She Walks the Woods (2019)

Dennis, Brad and Mike have a channel called Ultimate Survival where they go exploring and gives tips on camping and survival skills. They’re getting ready to shoot their latest video, where their home base will be a small cabin deep in the woods.  

Accompanying them is Hope, who went to film school with Dennis and whose parents own the cabin.  Dennis and Mike admonish Brad to be on his best behavior once they pick up Hope because Brad is kind of a pig.

The cabin turn out to be tiny and off the grid up in the mountains.  Behind it up the hill are remnants of a tipi and an old VW bus. People used to live in both.  Hope says the cabin was rented out, but the people staying there disappeared a few months ago and left all their stuff behind. They owe her parents money but the tenants can’t be found anywhere.  None of them are concerned, consider this alarming, or question why Hope’s parents didn’t report them missing since they could have been the victim of a crime.

The tipi is torn apart and I believe Hope said the person in the van vanished one day as well.  None of this stops them from traipsing off into the woods the next day with a plan to camp in the wilderness. And from the beginning of the movie, we know more than one thousand people go missing in national parks every year and there is something on this mountain that’s killing people. 

Yet another found footage movie where not much happens and someone has a light on in the dark while trying to hide.

Cringe inducing dialogue

Just a friend, huh? You sure you didn’t bang her back in the day?

Where are we picking up this chick?

It’s completely off the grid. So there’s no electricity, no power, no running water and no cell service.

The Last Thanksgiving (2020)

Lisa Marie is not happy the diner where she works is open on Thanksgiving. She’d prefer to stay home, even though she doesn’t get along with her parents.  Her boyfriend is going to be working at the movie theater. She doesn’t seem to get along with him either. In fact, she’s unpleasant to everyone.

The diner has a full staff as the owner expects a crowd, but only one customer shows up.  Do they usually have a crowd on Thanksgiving?  They don’t even seem to have a Thanksgiving meal, just their regular menu.

It’s unfortunate they’re open because a family of cannibals live nearby and spend their day killing those who don’t celebrate Thanksgiving. So basically they victimize those who have low paying jobs and are forced to work on the holiday. Everyone in the diner would have been celebrating if they could.  

Also by their own definition, the cannibals aren’t celebrating either since they’re out driving around searching for people to kill. Just as they plan to eat later in the day, their victims do too since the diner was going to let them go early if no one showed up to eat.

The lead character is not likable. Also you’d expect the weirdo in the pilgrim mask to get more screen time, but he’s under utilized.  Not good by any means, but better than the other Thanksgiving horror movies I’ve seen.

The staff at the diner and only one customer shows up

Lisa Marie’s typical expression

Crowsnest (2012)

Justin has a new video camera.  He films neighbors who don’t have shades on their windows, attempts to film in bed without his girlfriends knowledge, and keeps barging in on her when she’s undressed. What a great guy.

His friend Kirk offers up his parents cottage for the weekend. So Justin, girlfriend Brooke, Kirk’s girlfriend Amanda and Amanda’s sister Danielle head out for a weekend of fun.  As he’s getting in the car, Justin gets angry when he discovers Kirk has not picked up the  beer yet.  But Kirk says there’s a place on the way where beer is fifty percent cheaper.   

As they drive, we discover they are the whiniest group of people. They complain about everything.   They get lost trying to find the store with discount beer until driving down a long dirt road to what appears to be an abandoned town. Kirk assures them this is the place based on a spray painted sign near the disturbing fresh mystery carcass.  The girls wander off while the guys go to get beer. Brooke sees a little girl near an old building, but no one else sees her.

Back in the car, the guys say the store owner warned them, “Go home now. You keep driving down the road and you’re all going to die.”  They quickly forget about the creepy town, creepy warning and creepy little girl as they pull over to pee.  They’re on a one lane dirt road and Amanda feels the need to dance in it while saying they’re the only one for miles. When a camper comes zooming by, she dives into the mud to keep from being hit. This camper is either very stealthy or Amanda has no peripheral vision.

The group is furious at the camper and in a case of road rage, they give chase so they can get the license number. But almost getting hit isn’t a crime so this is an exercise in futility.  Also Amanda was standing in the one lane road so she bears some responsibility.  

They’ve almost caught up to the camper when it stops dead in the road, which freaks them out. What is he doing? Why has he stopped?  When he drives off, they are relieved until they see him coming back at them. Now he’s chasing them and they are afraid of what’s going to happen next.  Surprisingly no one remembers the storekeepers warning that they’re all going to die.

This is a group of friends making terrible decisions. They lose the camper by making a sharp turn but it never occurs to them the camper could double back and find them. They think a camper cant go up hill, yet it repeatedly does.  When one of them is hit, another suggest leaving her in the road until they can get help, never considering she could get run over again.  When they put the injured party in the SUV, they have her head up against the door at a 90 degree angle to her body so if there’s a neck injury it’s so much worse now.  They drive further into the woods to try to get higher up for cell reception, rather than turn around and go back to town. And this is another movie where people reveal serious issues while in the middle of a stressful situation when their lives are in danger. You’ve kept your secret this long, but don’t blurt it out in a crisis. 

The craziest thing about this movie is IMDb says budget was 1.2 million?!?  What did they spend it on??!

Justin being a douche

Do you really want to go to the store down the
dirt road that has a spray painted sign?

Mass Hysteria (2019)

Aka The Devil in Salem

It’s Paige’s last day playing a witch in a reenactment of the witch trials in Salem.  She’s heading from Salem to Broadway to work on a play.  But instead of a fun last day, her last performance is plagued by obnoxious patrons.

When a disruptive man dies during Paige’s performance, she is blamed for the death.  People in the audience claim she’s a witch and put a curse on the man.  A sketchy preacher in attendance eggs on the crowd until they hit the level of mob mentality.

When Paige and her friends leave the attraction for the night, the crowd is waiting outside to make them pay for their friends death.  When they won’t believe she’s not a witch, Paige decides the only way out is to pretend she is a witch and try to frighten them by cursing them.  When several of the group die the same way as the man in the theater, the crowd is even angrier and things get a lot worse for Paige.

The preacher and the rest of the crowd start chasing Paige and her friends. Since they’re fresh out of work, they’re still dressed in period costumes, and are in what is essentially a modern witch hunt.  They’re chased through the streets of Salem as they try to keep from being killed by the crazy mob and the nut job preacher.

This was filmed in Salem, Massachusetts and utilizes some local tourist attractions.

Underground (2011)

Special forces head to an underground military facility where some creatures are on the loose. The creatures are intelligent, hard to track, difficult to destroy, faster and more lethal than humans.  Special forces are decimated and the military wash their hands of this issue leaving these dangerous killing machines to roam the corridors.

Two years later, a rave takes place at the abandoned military base. Matt and his friend Storm are glad to be back home after fighting overseas.  Matt brings his girlfriend Mira, the doctor that saved his life after he was injured in combat.

They meet up with Matt’s friends, Eric, Jena and Evie.  Everyone’s having fun until a gang shows up at the rave, and a fight occurs.  Matt and Storm dominate the few troublemakers, but then the whole gang joins in and they decide to leave. 

They run away, find an entrance to the underground, and slam the door shut before the gang can enter.  Matt says all military bases are the same and they just need to get to the second entrance.  But Storm feels like something is wrong.

As they navigate through the corridors, one of the group is attacked and seriously injured.  Then there is a second attack and they realize what they’re up against. Will this rag tag bunch of ravers make it out alive?  

There is a fair amount of whining from the friends.  When one whiner is dispatched, then another one takes it up.  No one wants to be in a stressful situation with someone who won’t shut up about how everyone is going to die.

I liked the set up and the start of the creature attacks, but later another character is introduced which threw it off and I didn’t like the ending.  Also these characters are jerks.  Instead of telling the police woman to close the grate, they run off and look back as she’s attacked.  They didn’t try to help her and left the grate open so others might decide to explore it.  Plus if a cop disappears and you have her cruiser, you’re going to be blamed for her disappearance.  And what sort of cop leaves their keys in the ignition?   Also how did they get to the rave? They didn’t come with the other guys so shouldn’t their car still be there? 
 

Escape Room (2017)

Brice is looking for something to set his escape room apart from the others.  He sees a box resembling a skull in an antique store and asks the price. The owner says it’s not for sale.  Brice tries to convince her to sell it, but she says it’s one of the most cursed objects in the world. If you open it, a demon comes out. So she keeps it where it’s securely shut, overlooking she could keep it in the back so people aren’t asking to buy it. 

When she goes to answer the phone, Brice takes the box and leaves a wad of cash in its place.  When the owner discovers it’s gone, she shrugs and says good luck with the demon.

Meanwhile Jeff, who writes about horror, is going to the escape room to do a review.  He’s going with girlfriend Angie, best friend Ben, and Ben’s girlfriend Jess. Once inside the escape room, they wander around and seem unable to figure anything out.  Jeff and Ben keep getting into arguments about horror movies instead of trying to solve the puzzles. Let’s face it. These guys can barely figure out there are any puzzles in the room. They are terrible at this. Angie is a dud who whines the whole time. She sounds fun to date.

The weird part about this escape room is that one side is dark. When they hear a noise on that side of the room, they discover there is a guy with a burlap bag over his head who is chained to the wall. Every five minutes the chain let’s out a little further and if they don’t solve the puzzle, he’s going to get them.

Unfortunately, the box Brice stole is in this room and when they open it, the demon possesses the actor in the burlap sack. So now he really is going to kill them if they can’t get out before the time is up.  He’s also ripped the cameras out of the wall so Brice can’t monitor what’s going on and doesn’t know people are dying. And as mentioned, this group is not skilled at figuring out where the puzzles are, let alone solving them.

This isn’t the worst escape room movie I’ve ever seen, but there are too many questions:

1. Why didn’t Brice open the box before putting it in a room? Wouldn’t he be curious?.
2. Why doesn’t the store owner try to get the box back before the demon can be released? He told her where he worked.
3. Why was the escape room locked? The escape rooms I’ve been to are not locked due to fire codes or   someone needing to use the restroom.
4. Why did they bring Angie, the biggest drag in the world? She is no fun and complains the whole time.
5. Why does Brice think the way to increase business is to add a props? Wouldn’t it be more effective to change the rooms and/or come up with new puzzles to solve?

Skull box. Not gonna lie, I’d buy it other than the demon.

Bloody Homecoming (2012)

A group of underclassmen are barred from the homecoming dance by some of the seniors.  This arrangement was made by one of the football players so he could have a private party where he plans to consummate his relationship.

After attempting to convince his girlfriend to have sex, he turns out to be an a-hole who thinks rape is a valid option if the girl says no. Luckily one of her friends hears screaming, rescues the girl, and locks loverboy in the closet.  But his flailing knocks over one of the candles and tragedy strikes as he dies in the ensuing fire.

Three years later, the school decides it's time for another homecoming dance. But someone starts killing the students who were there when the boy died.

The movie is full of cliche roles and is a throwback to more of an 80s vibe where the characters aren't all assholes.  If you like the standard 80s slasher storyline, it's an okay watch but nothing special.

Demonic (2015)

Michelle and her friends are paranormal investigators. They’re heading to the house where the Martha Livingston murders took place twenty five years ago.  

Michelle’s boyfriend John is going with them. His mother knew Martha and he’s been having nightmares about the house. Michelle is an unsympathetic girlfriend in that her first priority is the investigation, which includes her ex Brian. She chastises John that it’s no big deal, even though Brian is openly hostile to John and obviously isn’t over her yet.

The group heads into the house to start the investigation.  But what Michelle hasn’t told John is they’ve going to do a seance. John tells them it’s a horrible idea because they could summon Martha.  Jules says no need to worry as they’ll only summon good energy.  Oh okay, I’m sure nothing has ever gone wrong in a seance.

While John said his mom knew Martha, the truth is his mother was in the house the night of the murders and was the lone survivor.  So apparently the paranormal investigators didn’t do any research on this case before heading in.  They also aren’t unnerved about a seal carved into the wooden floor of the murder house and think it’s the perfect  room to have the seance. Good god man, don’t do it! As expected things go horribly wrong.  

The story is told in flashback after the caretaker for the house finds it’s been broken into, sees a body on the floor, and calls the police.  They locate John and question him outside while trying to figure out where the people who came with him are and whether they’re dead or alive. 

So we’ve got a film that tells a large part of the story by flashback and found footage.  It’s a typical kids break into an abandoned murder house and there really is something supernatural inside that is going to kill them type of story. 

Mansfield Ghost (2022)

Lilly is an influencer excited about hitting 100,000 followers.  She hires her friend Michael to monitor her feed and add multi-cam shots when she streams.  She’s going to live stream at a house rumored to be haunted and it’s her first sponsored video.  The owner wants to open a haunted bed and breakfast so she’s paying Lilly hoping for publicity.

As Lilly enters the house, Michael sees a figure in a hood behind her. But when he gets her attention, Lilly says no one is there. It’s weird but she’s not alarmed. 

Lilly does some questionable things, such as scoffing at the owner in her live stream because the owner says she was possessed by a spirit in the house. It seems counter intuitive if she wants to be paid to vlog since who would pay someone who makes fun of them?  She also brings tons of Halloween decorations and a framed poster to put on the wall.  Why would she do that in a house that wasn’t hers?

She decides the live stream is a great time to do a make up tutorial and paints her face for Halloween.  This is her opportunity to partner with Tania who has two million followers and a cosmetic line. Tania annoyingly refers to Lilly as babes, while Lilly says Tania is an inspiration.  Lilly is hoping the partnership will increase her followers.

Lilly hears heavy footsteps in the house and when she goes to the basement a figure is seen in her feed.  Her guest Peter, a psychic, tells her to get out once he is told there was a murder in the house. But at this point Lilly has 500,000 on her live stream so there’s no way she’s leaving. She says she doesn’t want to let her fans down and she’s worked too hard to get the followers.  Since it’s found footage, we know Lilly will not bode well.

Questions abound. Why is Lilly picking up candy for trick or treaters when she’s supposed to be investigating the house? Why doesn’t Lilly believe Michael the second time he tells her something was behind her?  What is the point of filming with two phones pointed at her face when it’s essentially the same view?  Why does Lilly bring so many decorations to the house?   Is the owner okay with her putting holes in the wall to hang pictures and lights? Lilly is both an ineffective and overly lax investigator.

Doing it for the fans dialogue

We can’t let them down. I’m not stopping right now.

There’s absolutely no way I’m stopping. This is incredible. Look how many people are watching it, guys.

Peter, I don’t think you realize how many people are watching this.

Two lives shots in the feed. How? Why?

Lilly hauled all this crap into the house. Why?

Lilly holding a cell phone in each hand
and aiming them both at her face. Why?

Kill Game (2018)

Three years after high school, a group of friends attend a funeral for one of their own.  Afterwards Blake, who is now a cop, tells them it appears Jimmy was murdered. As the group considers who would want to kill him, they wonder if it had something to do with the pranks they played in high school, one of which resulted in a friends death.

This group of idiots loved doing pranks except what they call pranks are cruel and criminal.  A few of the things they admit to and still laugh about are:

1. Forging a letter from a doctor to tell a mother her sick child has HIV
2. Shooting the valedictorian’s graduation gown and face with paintballs
3. Putting a firecracker in a bathroom stall while someone’s in it
4. Slipping adult pictures into a teachers slide projector for a class presentation
5. Convincing their girlfriend to seduce a coach so they can take photos and blackmail him
6. Drugging and burying Brandon in the sand while the tide is coming in, resulting in his death

So they killed one kid and traumatized countless others at their high school. How will they figure out who the killer is when they had so many victims? Jessie decides to apologize to Helen but it’s not a real apology.  It’s one of those where she says the words I’m sorry but takes no responsibility or acknowledges she’s done anything wrong.  When Helen angrily rebuffs her, Jessie smiles and condescendingly tells her to get over herself since it was just a funny prank.  

While they’re trying to figure out who might want them dead, Beth tells them she was approached by Liam, Brandon’s twin brother. They were unaware he had a brother. Liam is hoping Beth can tell him about Brandon since she knew him and was there when he died. The group thinks he may be the killer since it seems too much of a coincidence that he would show up and people involved in Brandon’s death are dying.

Based on their lack of remorse, you’ll want them all to die. The movie takes an odd tact when the killer murders innocent doctors, nurses and a receptionist in a hospital.  When it’s more upsetting to see peripheral characters died than the main characters, that seems like an odd choice. Couldn’t they have given us one person to root for?

Listen for the Wilhelm scream near the end of the film when a character gets his hand cut off as he’s reaching for the door.

Unrepentant dialogue

Enough with the drama, Helen. It was all in good fun.

Brandon had a way of seeing things. He liked to laugh. He had a sense of humor too.

Everyone involved in the death has a full page in the yearbook

Check out the text on the left. They forgot to replace
the filler text and  it’s mostly a list of different cuts of meat

Only Jimmy and Beth were in the flashbacks at
the beach so how did the others get involved? 

This isn’t how you should look when apologizing for
traumatizing someone with a cruel prank

Wearing sunglasses inside at night inside

Rush for Your Life (2022)

Tasha goes undercover at college, pledges a sorority, and joins the college newspaper to expose what happened the prior year when a pledge named Sophie died.  Clancy, the editor of the paper, was Sophie’s roommate. She was also a pledge but dropped out after Sophie’s death. She hates the sorority and would love to publish an expose on them.

Why is it when people go undercover to look into a crime, they are super obvious?  Tasha has no sense of subtlety. She asks way too many questions about Sophie and has her phone out recording secret ceremonies. 

She meets frat boy Anthony and they become friendly.  While trying to find info on Sophies death, they break into oher students rooms. But then they sit there and have an heart to heart where Tasha reveals guilt from her past. There is no heartfelt conversation you should have when breaking and entering. Wait until you’re no longer committing a crime.

To get into the sorority, you download an app where you will be assigned tasks. These brainiacs put their hazing in writing.  Tasha is assigned tasks that get more and more dangerous, which ends with her on the same roof Sophie fell, jumped or was pushed off.  Silly Sophie, don’t you know you should never join a sorority, especially when you’re investigating a death and they’ve realized you’re a mole?

Social media for the person on the phone

Live streaming your illegal activities during hazing

How did the sisters not notice she was recording?

Breaking into a dorm is a great time for a heart to heart.

Obviously recording on her phone during the secret initiation

It’s not much of a threat if it’s been printed in the paper

Triggered (2020)

A group of high school friends who haven’t seen each other in years go camping in the woods.  There’s some tension in the group but it’s not clear why.  When Cici gets mad at her boyfriend, they joke about how he’d better be careful after what she did in school. It turns out a teacher gave her detention for using her phone in class. So she used his computer to sign up to websites and newsletters which got him arrested and put on a sex offender registry. The weirdest part of this reminiscing none of them are horrified. You’d think being ten yers older they’d feel awful, but they just laugh. Good times.

After some tense moments, everyone heads off to their tents. Later that night they all wake up wearing weird vests with timers on them. Who could have done this?  Well if you guessed it was the high school teacher whose life they ruined, you’d be wrong.  It’s because their friend Caleb dies at a party and someone thinks one of them killed him.

They get no explanation about the vest, other than the timer shows how much longer they’ll live and only one of them will leave the woods alive. Later they learn that you can steal other peoples time by murdering them or being near them when they die.  So the rest of the movie is people either partnering with each other to find a solution, or trying to murder their friends.   

The biggest problem is the person who set this up overlooked one thing. Since one person will make it out alive, it could be the person who killed Caleb. If someone has already killed, it might be easier to kill again. Shouldn’t revenge ensure the killer dies, rather than leaving it to chance? Also what if not everyone in the group decided to go camping? Plus for most of the film we are left to wonder if Caleb was really murdered or it was an accident.  

Amusing dialogue

This is why I wasn’t allowed to sleep over at Caleb’s house.  

Spirit Halloween: The Movie (2022)

Alec Windsor shows up at the orphanage and tells them he’s bought the property and they need to get out.  The woman tending the orphans is a witch who curses him and he falls down dead.  

Eighty two years later, junior high students Jake, Carson and Bo have decided they’re too old for trick or treating. They see the Spirit Halloween store and decide to sneak in and spend the night. What they don’t realize is it’s on the  land where the orphanage was and Windsor’s spirit is still there.

The kids hide inside the store and once the staff leaves, they run around and hang out until one of the animatronic ghosts comes to life, possessed by Windsor’s spirit.  When they try to escape, they find there is no way out, and must fight the ghost.

Meanwhile Carson’s sister Kate has come looking for them after discovering Carson is not at either friends house. She discovers their bikes outside the store. When she can’t get in, she climbs through a door in the roof down into the store.  Except now she’s trapped as well and the four try to figure out how to stop Windsor and survive the night.

This is a kids movie.  There’s nothing really scary in it and it takes place mostly within the Spirit Halloween store.  My friend contemplated whether it was written by AI due to the flow and lack of originality. It’s not horrible, but doesn’t have the charm that other kids movies have managed to pull off, probably because it’s a promotion for a Halloween store.

The thing that struck me the most is they live in a town where they can leave their bikes unlocked, even over night.  We also questioned whether a store would have no motion detectors or video surveillance which would alert them that someone was inside. After the battle the kids fought, you’d think there would be some sort of alert. The poor worker who opens the store in the morning has to deal with picking up everything they trashed.

Valley of Death (1988)

 Aka Memorial Valley Massacre

A developer opens a camp ground, even though there’s no running water, the road isn’t complete and there was a death in a construction accident that morning.  The ranger doesn’t think it’s safe, but the developer thinks that’s a lame excuse to not make money from the rubes waiting to camp.

David, the developers estranged son, shows up to work. He’s the opposite of his father, is going to college and wants to do what’s right for the environment.  The ranger doesn’t cotton to no city boy telling him what to do, but David is just here to do his job and isn’t trying to question his authority.

The camp ground must have had good marketing. There’s a line of campers waiting to get in and a number of stock characters waiting to be murdered by what is essentially a caveman that’s been living in the area since he was a child. With no human interaction, he’s reverted to grunting rather than speaking, and wants everyone off of his land. 

As the deaths mount, some of the people leave in fear that an animal is on the loose.  But we’ve still got the featured characters left to meet their maker.  It’s kind of slow moving and you’ll wonder why the caveman has unruly hair, yet is clean shaven.

Vaudevillian dialogue

Teen: Does he look sorta like you?

Chuck: Why yes.

Teen: Sorta dumpy and stupid?

Chuck: Now wait a minute

Rick: Kind fat and weird?

The Prey (1983)

Three couples go on a weekend camping trip. They check in at the park to get their permits and then hike deep into the woods.  The girls talk about how romantic this trip will be, while the guys talk about scoring. 

When they stop for a short break, Gayle says her feet hurt and boyfriend Greg tells her she should have broken in her new boots before the hike. Gayle is not amused. However she is obsessed with how she looks and opts to stay behind to continue brushing her hair rather than leave with the others.

When Gayle catches up too group, she says there was something in the woods following her, but the others don't believe her. Sadly Gayle’s boyfriend pays the price for not protecting her, even though she’s the one who told him to leave while she finished her hair. 

The first night they sit around the fire telling stories and eating marshmallows.  After they go to bed. Gayle hears a noise in the woods and Greg thinks it may be Skip pulling another prank.  Gayle isn’t sure since she heard noises earlier in the day. You’d think that Greg would check to see if Skip was at the campsite, but instead he tramps off into the woods.  

At day break, there is no sign of Gayle, Greg or their belongings.  Nancy is concerned but the others think the couple either went back to the ranger station, or will catch up with them later.  They pin a note to a tree and move out.

Cut to Rangers Mark and Lester having lunch  Lester tells Mark that fifteen years ago there was a horrible forest fire in the mountains. Some gypsies living in the caves were burned to a crisp.  When Lester went up to help with the reseeding, he saw a burned boy who scampered away into the forest.  Lester has never told anyone about this, but he really should have.  Maybe get him some medical attention? So we know where this is headed as Ranger Mark goes out the door to see if he can find the animal that killed two middle aged campers.

Apparently there are two versions of this movie.  The one I saw was the theatrical release which was 80 minutes. There was a home video version that clocks in at 97 minutes. It cut out some scenes and added an origin story and gypsy back story.

The theatrical version has a ton of padding. I would not be surprised if almost half of it was nature stock footage.  There are also plenty of scenes with no dialogue and one cut away to the ranger playing a banjo. Why? 

Gayle should not be on this trip.  Combing her hair is more important then hiking with the group. Later she puts on lipstick and cranks her radio up while Greg asks her to turn it off and appreciate nature. At one point Skip mentions that Gayle must be dating Greg because his father is rich. Because a pretty girl like Gayle could never like a geek wearing short shorts. 

This is a slow paced movie.  It’s nature shots, the group walking, occasional dialogue, and the only deaths in the first hour are the two campers at the beginning.  The most interesting thing about the movie is that Lester is played by Jackie Coogan, who played Uncle Fester on the Addams Family tv show.

Amusing dialogue

Stop it, you octopus!

Look girls, it’s hunky Ranger Mark

Gayle choosing to stay behind for her hair

Popeye

Why did we cut to the Ranger playing a banjo?

Margaux (2022)

Drew and his friends rent a house for vacation and on the way there, he tells them it’s a smart house. Each of them downloads the app and agrees to the terms of service, except Hannah who hits the decline button.  Hannah is a programmer who is concerned about online privacy and doesn’t use social media.

The house is referred to as Margaux and interacts with the group. It keeps urging Hannah to download the app. It’s located every one else’s social media and knows what they like, but hasn’t been able to figure Hannah out, other than the small amount of info on her friends pages.  

It’s unclear how Margaux manages to have every type of food they like in stock or how she cooks it. And do any of them really like their ham cut a half inch thick? It’s not appealing. 

Tentacle arms come out of the wall, which should be alarming but the group oohs and aahs over the house doing so much for them.  It even provides top grade weed after Clay drops his in the pool.  But what the group doesn’t realize is that Margaux has killed guests before and now she’s set her sights on them.

The biggest question is if Margaux has killed a ton of people, why has no one noticed? How could so many people disappear from one house? Has anyone notified the police that their loved ones have gone missing?  Who cleans up? Does Margaux get rid of the blood and personal belongings? Where does she put them? Where does the food come from? Is Margaux creating it out of the goo that runs out of the vents?  How does the house have ultra modern AI when her hardware is super old? And why is the exercise equipment outside? It’s electrical and it would seem rain would be an issue. 

Muck (2015)

The movie begins and we are thrown right into the middle of a story already in progress.  A group of friends are stumbling through a field. Something big has already happened because one guy is seriously injured and a dazed woman is in her underwear.   Where have they been? Who did this? Who are these people? Why are they in town since they don’t live here? Who attacked them? What happened?  I hope those questions aren’t important to you because they’re not going to tell us.

The group stumbles across someone’s home and breaks in. While there’s some panic over the injury and the traumatized girl, there’s no real sense of urgency. One girl is fixated on taking a shower.  Noah decide to get help since there is no phone. The injured guy says don’t ask the local Sheriff for help, but call someone for a ride.  Why don’t they want the Sheriff to help? Did the local police attack our group? No idea.

Noah runs till he finds a bar. Does he ask for a phone or for help? No, he quietly walks up to the bar, then heads into the bathroom to wash his face. When he comes back, a woman hits on him, he orders drinks and then asks to use her phone.  He calls his cousin Troit and asks for a ride for five people. Then he runs back to the house to make sure his girlfriend is okay. But on the way back, he runs by a house and sees a girl inside in underwear so he stops to peep through the windows. What the hell, movie.

Troit gets in his car with the two women he’s drinking with and drives to the town of Wescraven, yeah I know.  And that’s when the albinos show up. The rest of the movie is the few people left alive trying to survive the multiple albino attacks.  And it ends as it starts - with no resolution and seemingly in the middle of the story.

They just took the middle of a movie, no beginning or end, and no plot.  Noah never tells Troit where he is, other than the name of the town, yet Troit finds him.  The bartender warns Troit not to go to that town, but there’s no info as to why or what the bartender knows.  The women with Troit are overly concerned with their clothing.  When the first one thinks they’ve going home together, she goes into the bathroom and tries on multiple sets of matching underwear. Who brings that many changes of clothing to a bar?  After their car tips over, the other woman says she needs a change of clothing. Why? Her clothing isn’t  even dirty.

Legend of the Lizard Man (2023)

In 1988, Darnell is found in a small boat in a stream in the woods, claiming he and his parents were attacked by a lizard man.  No creature is ever found and rumor has it Darnell’s father killed his mother and ran off to avoid the consequences.

Cut to current day and a group of friends come to town because Sidney is doing research on the lizard  man.  They head to the Lizard Man museum where the proprietor has his face like painted like a lizard.  If you saw him anywhere but the museum, you wouldn’t know he’s supposed to be an lizard. The group also gets in a brief verbal spar with some locals who hang out outside the museum and harass women. Why?

The guy at the museum gives them a map so they can find the location of the lizard man incident, which is where they’ll set up camp. They’ve brought beer and a boombox on their trek into the woods, which is always conducive to research. One of the guys wanders off on his own since he believes if he finds the lizard man, it’ll be easy money and make him a millionaire.

Soon we’ve got the lizard man, the local thugs, Darnell, the ranger, and the group of friends on a collision course with wackiness.  Actually it’s more a course of tedium as you’ll wonder if anything is going to happen and there’s no satisfaction in the end. People make ridiculous decisions and the twists are lackluster. 

While this takes place in South Carolina, the accents are either over the top southern hick or have a lilt of the actors own accent, which is distracting. Louisa Warren is a UK filmmaker so I’m assuming they shot this in the UK based on the accent issues.

The movie ends with interviews with the proprietor of a museum with lizard man info. So it’s a real legend.  Plus theres an interview with a woman who went to high school with the guy who actually saw the lizard mani in 1988.  What is hilarious is the filmmaker didn’t edit this woman’s train of thought monologue. We get info like in high school she worked at the KFC, which she then expands upon because it was called Kentucky Fried Chicken when she worked there. Or everyone in high school believed the guy because why would he make up a lizard man since he was handsome and popular.  This overlooks the fact that sometimes people just want attention and a little story can become so big they don’t see any way out of the lie and have to perpetuate it. Who knows if it’s true, but people lie for all sorts of reasons.

Ridiculous dialogue

Missing people go missing all the time.

Ding ding bingo.

Jason: Then what is it?

Darnell: Short answer, no idea.

Sid: How long have you been tracking it? The whole time?

Darnell: Not at first.

A view of Darnell’s car from inside the lizard man’s mouth

The van right out of the 70s.

The sign to the museum is taped up using electrical
tape, and the arrow is also electrical tape. 

On the right is a man on a bicycle. I thought this must be
someone following them and was part of the plot but
apparently it was just someone riding down the road. 

The group sees a cabin in the woods and gathers on and
near the porch which is weird since the lights are on and
they aren’t staying there.

What sort of forest has lanterns hanging off trees
that anyone can take to go into the forest at night

Uh okay, not what I was expecting for a lizard creature

The decidedly un-lizard like lizard make up.

Eradication (2022)

David has been in isolation for a couple years due to a virus that’s broken out.  He spends his days with timers set for tasks and is told not to venture out after dark.  He misses his wife Sam, who he only sees on video calls at designated times.

Sam tells David his blood is the only hope for the future. She’s infected and his blood could be the cure.  Apparently he’s the only person who hasn’t become infected by the disease. 

At designated intervals, he draws blood and brings it to a drop off point where he exchanges it for food.  At one point he gets bent out of shape because he’s given canned food that contains meat and he’s a vegetarian.  It’s ridiculous to be so arrogant during an apocalypse.  

It feels like the zombies must come out after dark since he’s told not to leave the house other than during the day. But at one point, he runs into a zombie during the day. So what’s really going on at night?

There are only a few actors in this film and it’s mostly David alone.  There’s no zombie action, it’s pacing is slow, and you’ll be left with questions.