Miner's Massacre (2003)

A group of friends head out to the dessert to look for a secret cache of gold that was hidden years ago by an evil miner.  In their pursuit of this treasure, they run into the ghost of the miner, complete with pick axe and killing anyone who comes anywhere near him.  Luckily you won't care as all the characters are annoying and unlikable. 

The makeup on the miner is as bad as the cover makes it appear.  The movie has cameo's by Richard Lynch, Karen Black, John Phillip Law, and Martin Kove.  

The only amusing thing about the film is that the gold in the mine is already processed.  

Axe 'Em (2002)

Friends go to an old farm house for the weekend and a machete killer shows up.  Yes, that's right, the Axe 'Em killer uses a machete.   I guess no one involved with the movie had an axe they could borrow.  

This is cheap movie making at it's worst.  The sound appears to have been done with the in-camera mic and lots of the dialogue is completely unintelligible.  

There is a lot of food eating in this film.  So much eating that I suspect they got free food from restaurants in exchange for promising to eat it on camera.  It's really ridiculous.

This is just bad, bad, bad.  There are pointless scenes that go nowhere, an rrrrrr sound like out of Young Frankenstein, and you can even hear the director yell "cut" at one point before the scene ends.  Truly horrible.

Flight of the Living Dead (2007)

Scientists transport their newest experiment - a virus which brings flesh back to life and a donor body - on a commercial airline.  It's our pilots last flight before he retires to happily fulfill his dreams with his wife.  Death sentence confirmed, sir.

When the flight hits a storm, the crate in the cargo hold starts to leak and the guard in the hazmat suit doesn't notice until the body in the crate is reanimated.  Even then the idiot guard manages to shoot out the plane's communications rather than the raving zombie in front of him.

As zombies take over the plane, a small group tries to survive by banding together.  Two of the men have guns as one is an air marshall and the other was a lawman escorting a convict to a trial.

The screeching zombies sound like Pterodactyls, there is tin foil on the cargo area walls, the floors are cardboard thin, the air vents are big enough to crawl through, and surprisingly you can stuff about five zombies behind a plane's bathroom mirror.  

Biggest mistake of all?  Opening the cockpit door and letting in your sickly looking co-pilot when the plane is overrun by zombies.

Petrified (2006)

An alien mummy wanders around a hospital for nymphomaniacs looking for his hand and sucking the life out of anyone in his way, while a federal agent on an antique deal gone wrong tries to track down the alien.

The mummy aspect is portrayed by wrappings that are so  forgettable that I forgot it was a mummy as well as an alien.

I'm not a big Full Moon fan and this movie didn't do anything to change that.

Brain of Blood (1972)

Amir, the dictator of a small European country, is near death and arranges with a US doctor to transplant his brain into a young body.  Amir must be shipped to the US within a certain number of hours after death in order to have the transplant be a success.  This begs the question, why didn't Amir just travel before he died, thus relieving the question of whether the doc would have enough time to complete the transplant.

Once dead, Amir is wrapped in tin foil and his body placed in the care of his nehru jacketed advisor, Dr. Robert Nigserian.  Robert delivers Amir's corpse to crazy old brain guy, Dr. Lloyd Trenton.  Lloyd will be assisted by his twisted little dwarf sidekick and has sent his ward Gor out to look for a body for Amir's brain.

As is always the case when you send a retarded mutant to find a suitable freshly dead body, Gor causes a burglar to fall off a fire escape and break necessary bones, thus rendering the body useless.  As the allotted time for transplant is almost up and no body is available, wacky Lloyd decides to use the powerful, yet mutated Gor as the donor body.  Hilarity ensues.

Directed by Al Adamson, this is a mess of a movie.  It runs from boring to ridiculous, and all points in between.  There are some decent chase scenes as Robert chases a thug across rooftops and through the city.  

Skinwalkers (2006)

It's werewolf vs. werewolf, which is not as exciting as you would think.  There are two opposing groups of werewolves and both are interested in the fate of Timothy, a thirteen year old boy who holds to the key to their existence or extinction.

There is a prophecy that when the moon turns blood red and Timothy turns thirteen, the werewolf curse will end.  So the nice werewolves protect Timothy as they want to become normal again.  The bad werewolves look like something out of a biker movie, enjoy their wolfy power, and like to kill.  Thus they want  to kill Timothy.

As usual per this type of movie, Timothy's mother is clueless and incredibly annoying.

Frankensteins Castle of Freaks (1974)

Dr. Frankenstein experiments on a caveman who was killed while running around the countryside.  A creepy dwarf who was kicked out of the castle teams up with another cavemen to fight the doctor's reanimated caveman.  While this is going on, the doctor's daughter and her friends visit the castle for a ribald romp.  Very weird.

Tremors 3: Back to Perfection (2001)

Gun-toting Burt is back to take on the next wave of graboids and shriekers that threaten the small town of Perfection.  The town folk are using the graboid legend as a basis for tourism when new monsters show up.  As in Tremors 2, there is another mutation which results in flying monsters.  Luckily Burt is still there with his arsenal and the town bands together to fight the monsters.  

Other than Michael Gross as Burt, there are no main characters from the previous films, and is a step down from first two films.

Tremors II: Aftershocks (1996)

Mexico is overrun with graboids and Earl heads south with a new sidekick hoping to make some money.  Things go well at first with tried methods for dispatching of the monsters, but there has been an evolution and now there are also monsters known as shriekers who can see body heat.  This isn't as good as the original film, but is an okay sequel.

The Island (2005)

This movie blatantly rips off the 1979 movie The Clonus Horror, which was skewered by MST3K.  You can find reviews that compare the similarities, and they are staggering.

The plot is the same - a colony of clones is groomed for rich bastards who can afford to pay for replacement body parts. When the clones bodies are needed, they are told they have won the lottery and will be shipped out to live a wonderful life on "the island."

One clone discovers something from outside their compound, which leads to more discoveries and the horror of the truth. The clones escape to try to tell their sponsor what is really going on, assuming that they will be horrified and stop the death of the clones.  Huge gap in the reasoning since the person has paid to have this clone grown in case they need the body parts.

Fade to Black (1980)

Eric Binford is obsessed with the movies. His room is plastered with movie posters, he works at a movie company, and he has a movie projector in his room where he spends his nights watching classic films projected on the bedroom walls.

Eric's obsession is the only thing he has going for him.  He has no friends, his co-workers pick on him, and his wheelchair bound aunt constantly belittles him, reminding him that he destroyed her life. The movies are the only things in his life that don't disapprove of him.

After repeated abuse, Eric snaps and begins killing those who have tormented him.  For each kill he takes on the persona and costume of a classic movie character.

Dennis Christopher does a fantastic job portraying a range of emotions from vulnerability to rage, making you feel sorry for Eric and scared of him.

Black Demons (1991)

aka Demoni 3

A brother, sister, and her boyfriend head into Brazil to study voodoo.  The brother attends a voodoo ceremony and secretly records it.  

While traveling, their jeep breaks down in the middle of nowhere and they meet a couple of hikers, who happen to be renting a plantation home a short distance away.  

The brother goes to the plantation's cemetery, plays the voodoo tape and awakes a group of slave zombies who are seeking revenge.

It takes awhile for them to figure out there is evil afoot. When they try to escape in the jeep, the lunkhead boyfriend somehow drives off the road.  Then the brother slashes all the tires, which oddly enough are fine the next day.

Terrible, terrible acting in this one and some accents that are hard to understand.  The zombies are decent for a voodoo movie, but the best thing about the movie is the cover art.

Miami Vice (2006)

I don't know why there are so many movies based on old tv shows.  If the show was good, there is no need to remake it. Similarly if it was bad, there is no need to remake it.  So stop. Just stop.  Is there nothing else they can think up?  Are there no original thoughts in their heads?  Can they not think of names for two other characters?  As per usual, once they've updated the characters, they may as well have started with new ones.

Crockett and Tubbs spout terrible dialogue, keep us in the dark about what is going on, and run around with guns in this horribly disjointed mess.

  

Weasels Rip My Flesh (1979)

This is the type of movie that I love.  Made on 8mm film by  high school students, it's low budget fun with a giant mutant weasel.  The acting isn't great and neither is the script, but it's got a certain charm to it. Plus it's from a time when it was rare for kids to have the equipment necessary to make a film.

After being bitten by an animal, two kids throw some radioactive liquid down a  weasel hole, which in turn causes a gigantic, mutated, rabid weasel to begin wreaking havoc on the town.  There is ample gore for a homemade movie as arms fly, people are attacked, and giant weasels are hit by cars.

Watch for the scene where they find a metal door opening up from a hill in the ground and then cut to the group climbing into a room via a cellar window.  It's creative, but doesn't fool anyone.

Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust (2008)

A box of pastries delivered to a movie studio inexplicably contains the Gingerdead Man, who looks quite disgusting when thought of as something that could be eaten.  No one notices this massive icky cookie, even when he starts tromping around the studio on a killing spree.

There are many in-jokes and references as the plot involves a the filming of a low budget horror picture.  I'm not a Full Moon fan, but the idea of a killer gingerbread man is pretty funny.

The Majorettes (1986)

The movie starts out as a slasher when the high school majorettes keep getting murdered.  Then after revealing the killer about 2/3 of the way through the film, it changes over to an action movie with the high school quarterback becoming a one man army of vengeance against local drug dealers and thugs.  It veers so violently off course that you'll forget that there is even a killer who is still running loose.

To sum it up, it's another film directed by Bill Hinzman with subpar acting and dialogue.  This is only of interest for those who wish to see every 80s slasher flick.

Touch of Her Flesh (1967)

Richard's wife is a real winner.  While he's at work she cheats on him in a long, tame 1960s sex montage.  When Richard comes home unexpectedly and walks in on her, his horror and our boredom force him wordlessly out the door and into the street where he is hit by a car.

Richard ends up with an eyepatch and a wheelchair, ranting endlessly about his hatred of women and his need to kill hookers, who he insists die naked in public.  Oh sweet Richard... sweet, crazy, murderous Richard.

His killing spree starts when he puts slow acting poison on some roses and sends them to a topless dancer.  After being priced by a poisoned thorn, she goes back on stage and slowly collapses.  Yup, it's a long way to go for the first death.

The film features nudity, tons of hairspray, a lack of dialogue, death by blowgun, and a woman who puts straightening her hair above making sure she is safely away from the killer.

The Wicker Man (2006)

Detective Edward Malus gets a letter from his ex fiance Willow asking for his help in finding her daughter Rowan, who been missing for two weeks. She wants Malus to fly to Summersisle off the coast of Washington.

Malus hasn't heard from Willow since she walked out on him without explanation eight years ago. Unlike the majority of the population who would totally blow off such a letter, Malus confirms his loser status by flying up there at his own expense.

Malus bribes a pilot to take him to Summersisle, which turns out to be a an island inhabited by a strange beekeeping cult of women. Disturbing enough on it's own that he is stuck on this island full of women who don't like outsiders (especially men) until the supply copter comes back, but he also has a deadly bee allergy. How convenient to end up on Bee Island.

The island colony is run by Sister Summersisle. The school teaches that women are superior to men, and men are idiots whose only usefulness is breeding. Yes, Detective Malus ought to be really effective at investigating Rowan's disappearance.

When he starts his inquiries, he is told conflicting stories. One is that Willow never had a child. The other is that her child died. Willow insists that both are lies. In the course of tracking down the real story, Malus manages to get locked in an underground water tunnel, bumps into a beehive, and runs into a field of hives while being chased by a swarm. Malus turns out to confirm the teachings of the island as he is quite the idiot.

Malus only brings one suit, yet it is always clean, and his version of emotion is yelling. Then the ending is one of those "six months later" type of endings that will make you say aaarggh!! This is one terrible film.

The Reaping (2007)

Katherine, a former missionary who currently teaches at a University, is called in to investigate a small southern town whose river is said to have turned to blood.  Katherine is a skeptic but upon having water from the river analyzed, she finds it is blood.

The locals feel it's the work of a young girl who is said to have murdered her brother in the river.  The question becomes is the girl evil or is something else going on in the town.  

Lots of religion, a few good scares, well shot, but not anything special.

Zombie Aftermath (1982)

aka The Aftermath

Astronauts who have been unable to establish any contact with Earth for some time, crash their spaceship into the ocean.  The two who survive the landing come to shore in a scene right out of Planet of the Apes, and wander off into Los Angeles to find human contact.

The two decide to live in an abandoned mansion and eventually meet women and children with which to form surrogate families.  I guess the apocalypse messes with your emotions because the lead character claims he is in love after having known this woman for less than a day.

The villains in this film are not zombies, as would be expected from the title, but a motorcycle gang who do the disturbing things that bikers do.  

As for zombies, there aren't any - unless you include the three or four mutants who ineptly try to corner a young boy.  But since they don't look or act like zombies and are only briefly in the film, I can safely say this movie is severely lacking in zombies.

The score is totally inappropriate as it sound like something out of an old cartoon. The acting is on par with someone performing in their own backyard, and the writing is just plain bad.

My favorite scene in the whole movie is near the beginning as the astronauts come up the skeletons at a beach party.  They decide to raid their belongings and take anything useful, coming away with a machete and kerosene.  Surely that was the most dangerous beach party ever.

Urban Legends: Bloody Mary (2005)

Years ago at a school dance, a girl named Mary was accidentally killed by a brutish jock who was mad when she refused to make out with him.  No one ever knew what happened to her, but legend has it if you say her name three times she'll come to get you.  So three high school girls decide to test the odd's and carnage ensues.

Anyone who is afraid of what might be hiding under their bed -and I am - will get totally creeped out by the scenes of Mary crawling out from under the bed.  Otherwise I'm not sure if there's anything that would be all that scary.

Smiley Face (2007)

Jane is an aspiring actress and a total stoner. While stoned, she eats all her roommates cupcakes, not realizing they are laced with pot.  The rest of the film is spent following Jane's adventures as she tries to get to her audition, bake another batch of pot cupcakes for her roommate, and pay the drug dealer who she is supposed to meet at a pro-hemp festival in Venice.  Needless to say everything goes horribly wrong.

I got sucked into this one by a scene posted on Youtube in which Jane ponders why a former professor has a large framed  picture of corn.  She concludes that people frame pictures of things they love and decides she'll hang a picture of lasagne on her wall, which then leads to a President Garfield reference.  For some reason, I am a sucker for humor regarding lesser known Presidents of the 1800s. Oh actually it's probably because I have a history degree. But I digress...

As the film progressed, I found myself less and less enchanted with it, and ended up feeling disappointed.  There were some funny scenes and the opening was good, but overall it left me feeling like I wished I hadn't spent the time to watch it.  Anna Faris did a great job as Jane and there were some funny scenes, but it just didn't hold up over all.

Doomsday (2008)

God damn these post-apocalyptic movies - can any of them exist without the Mad Max mohawks and vehicles? Or what about Escape From New York? The lead character even has an eye patch!? Oh movie, what will I do with you?

Twenty five years earlier a virus wreaked havoc in Scotland, killing those who contracted it, and causing England to make a massive wall to keep the plague from spreading into it's cities. As time passed, it was assumed that everyone outside the wall had died. Within the past few years, cameras set up to take aerial photos of city streets in Glasgow started to show people.

The virus has broken out in London, so the government decides to send Major Eden Sinclair outside the wall to Glasgow. Once there, she and her ridiculously small team has 48 hours to find out if Dr. Marcus Kane - a scientist working in Glasgow at the time of the outbreak - discovered a cure for the virus, or how else these people managed to survive.


For military personnel, these people are pretty stupid and end up being attacked by Sol and his mohawked Mad Max tribe. There is even a strange dance number in the middle of the torture of the soldiers, where Sol and some girls do a sort of burlesque/vaudeville act and dance stupidly to 80s songs by Fine Young Cannibals, Adam and the Ants, and Frankie Goes to Hollywood. And the Mad Max crowd goes wild...yay. Wow, they are really hard up for entertainment if this is acceptable. And don't tell me it's the apocalypse. Just because there's an apocalypse doesn't mean you have to settle for sub-par jokers on stage doing a crappy act.

It starts off well and does have Malcolm McDowell in it, but it goes downhill pretty quickly and ends up leaving you cold.

The Eye (2008)

Sydney, a violinist who was blinded as a child, goes into the hospital to have a corneal transplant and ends up with the eyes of a woman who had visions. Consequently as Sydney gets used to her new eyes, she sees strange moving shapes, people who aren't there, and terrifying visions of a fire.

When she asks her doctor for help, he blows her off, suggesting that it is the plethora of visual information which she is not used to that is causing her brain to overload. I get what he's saying, but do cornea patients ever start seeing dead people or suddenly become crazy after their transplant?

I haven't seen the original Japanese film, but The Eye is an average film with a few scares and some creepy scenes. It isn't something I would watch again, but it isn't horrible either.

Megalodon (2002)

A news team heads to an offshore oil drilling site, which turns out to be completely CGI. The oil rig uses advanced technology which can be run by twenty two workers, and of those we get to see maybe six.

When drilling into the sea bed, they open an underwater cave with glorious sights. Unfortunately this also releases Megalodon, a prehistoric shark over sixty feet long who has a hunger for metal and humans. Weeeeeee, they're doomed!

Darktown Strutters (1975)

I was not expecting this. I thought this was going to be your typical blaxploitation crime film, so ending up with a slapstick comedy was mind boggling. A group of women on incredibly cool three wheel motorcycles and wearing outrageous funkified motorcycle helmets cruise around trying to find out what happened to the main characters mother, Cinderella. She was last known to be working at the Sky Pig, a rib joint run by a guy who resembles Colonel Sanders. The lettering on the Sky Pig sign is so bad that my friend that it said Slay Pig and I thought it said Slzy Pig, which I thought meant the Sleazy Pig.

The whole movie is like a madcap romp with scenes randomly coming and going with no real reason other than to try to get in another joke. Unfortunately the comedy falls flat most of the time. There are pimps, klansmen, acapella groups, blackface, a cloning machine, and police right out of the Keystone Cop school of law enforcement.

Diary of the Dead (2007)

I wasn't expecting much since I'd heard that this was terrible, and although I didn't like most of the characters, it actually wasn't that bad.

The biggest problem I had with the film is its overall preachy tone, hitting you over the head with how the media manipulates what we see. The characters and situations show this clearly. Yet one of the characters does narration to explain how our perception of reality is shaped by the media and how they distort or lie in their broadcasts. The narration is unnecessary unless your audience is too stupid to comprehend the story line, and if so, they're never going to truly understand that the news doesn't always tell the truth.

The story centers on a group of college students making a horror movie who hear news reports that the dead are returning to life. They jump into a Winnebago to head home to their families. Film student Jason has the camera to his face as he believes he is filming history and is compelled to film everything that happens. He is single minded in his pursuit of footage and continually uploads to the internet so that the people will get the real story, which they are not getting from the news.

He's so into filming that if one of his friends is being attacked, he keeps filming rather than trying to help them. His self importance is ridiculous as there are tons of people doing the exact same thing. Can you imagine if there really was a zombie uprising? Youtube would be clogged with lame videos on the subject, just like they are now with any other subject you can imagine. For every relevant piece of video on the net, there are countless other pieces with the same keywords that are a total waste of your time.

Plus Jason never even realizes that his truth isn't any better than the news, as he asks his friends to re-enter a house so that he can get everyone doing it. The video is Jason's vision, not what is real.

Even with that major issue, as well as some really stupid decisions when it comes to keeping themselves safe, there are some really good parts, especially the exploding eyeballs and the scenes in Amish country.

One other warning, if you're prone to motion sickness, you may have a problem as the film is shot as if it is a documentary done by the college kids. It's not as bad as Blair Witch, but there is more than the average camera swinging going on.

The Ruins (2008)

Two couples vacationing in Mexico decide to accompany a German tourist looking for his archaeologist brother who is working at a newly discovered ruin. Along with a Greek tourist who has also been invited, they take a taxi into the jungle and find the hidden ruin. Shortly after arriving and seeing no sign of anyone, a tribe appears from the trees and points weapons at them and the stupidity begins.

Would anyone really be this stupid? A stranger invites you to this remote, secret ruin in the middle of the jungle and you go, telling no one of your plans. They don't consider any possibilities other than visiting and then using their cell phone to call a cab to come back and pick them up. You're in the freakin' jungle. Ever think those cell phones might not work? (They don't.) Plus one girl actually wears flip flops. Come on! It's the jungle and ancient ruins - what good are flip flops?

Also first rule when non-English speaking jungle dwellers descend upon you with guns drawn, do not carefully compose and snap a photo or two. Holy moly, have you no cranial functioning whatsoever? It's not a good idea. (However I did like the fact that she had a camera that required film rather than the typical digital camera every tourist is packing these days.)

After one of them is shot, the kids run up to the top of the ruins, but don't really think twice about that fact that the tribe didn't shoot them during their ascent and have not followed them onto the ruin. Hey, ya think maybe something weird is going on here? Yup, it sure is and they're just the idiots to blunder into it.

New York Doll (2005)

An interesting documentary on Arthur "Killer" Kane of the New York Dolls, which follows Arthur as he gets ready for the Dolls reunion. When wondering where Arthur was all these years after the Dolls broke up, I never would have thought it would be converting to Mormonism and working in the family history library at the Church of Latter Day Saints. He looks like any older, soft spoken gentleman you might see working at a library in your home town. You would never guess this unassuming man used to be in a legendary NY band.

At the time I watched it I did not realize that a fellow Mormon had made the film, but I'm glad they did as I think a non-Mormon filmmaker might have leveled some sarcasm at the religion or perhaps there would have been an air like that in the scene in which David Johansen teases Arthur about it.

While there are joyous aspects of the film, there is also an overall sadness due to Arthur's having spent his post-Doll years yearning for the band to get back together, thinking several of the other members hate him, harboring that bitterness, and going into self-destructive rages when other former band mates are successful. Yet he seems a sweet sincere man who is thankful to his faith for helping him to beat alcoholism and his co-workers adore him.

Those looking for old footage of the Dolls will be disappointed as there is little to be seen, but the movie more than makes up for what it lacks and is a nice tribute to Arthur.

Flesheater (1988)

Bill Hinzman - the guy who was the first zombie in the graveyard in Night of the Living Dead - is all over this film. He is writer, director, producer, editor, actor, and cinematographer. This is another example proving that the number of times a person's name appears in the credits is directly proportional to how bad a film will be.

A group of college students go on a hayride and plan to spend the night outside on the farm. On their ride, they pass a farmer pulling a stump out of the ground... the stump of the living dead!! Uh no, not really.

As the farmer is filling in the hole, for some reason he starts brushing leaves off what appears to be a plot of potting soil under which he finds a stone with pentagram carved into it. Thinking it's damn kids and their pranks, he digs it up and discovers another stone with an inscription on it about evil being buried there. Oddly enough the farmer then rips that up and pushes more soil away to reveal a wooden lid buried only inches below the surface, which he opens up to reveal Bill Hinzman who promptly pulls him into the box and takes a bite out of him. Thus begins our zombie killing spree in which Bill and everyone he kills wanders around killing people.

There is no cohesive plot. Once the zombies kill everyone in one location, they go to another and kill everyone there. That's all there is to it. There is full frontal nudity, which always surprises me as I can't understand why girls get naked for low budget films like this. The film ends by ripping off Night of the Living Dead.

One thing of note is the growling sound that accompanies the zombies. Since when do zombies growl like animals? This is not a good zombie flick, but it does have Bill Hinzman.

The Mist (2007)

After a windstorm knocks out power and over turns trees in a small Maine town, local residents end up holed up in the supermarket after one of their neighbors comes running into the store warning that there is something in the mist, which is moving into the parking lot.

As the hours pass, large bugs and strange creatures appear in the mist and try to get into the store. The stress forces some of those inside to side with the crazy religious lady who says god is punishing them, that she is god's conduit, and has predicted what is going to happen. It is not a good situation and it's getting dangerous for those who have not decided to follow

I knew the ending of this movie before I saw it as someone I once worked with told me about it as the ending made her feel sick. Days later she was still extremely disturbed and upset by the outcome.

I think this is the only film I've ever seen where there is someone instigating trouble and you know something needs to be done, and it actually gets done. Hurrah for that.

The biggest problem I have with this is if he was driving down the Maine turnpike, how the hell did he end up running out of gas on a dirt road in the middle of the forrest? Come on!

Razorback (1984)

Beth Winters, a female reporter who is pro animal rights, goes to Australia to do a story on the slaughter of kangaroos. She goes into the outback and makes a nuisance of herself, which makes her a target of the owners of Petpak who are making dog food out of the 'roos.

The Petpak brothers are really creepy, but Beth still goes into the middle of nowhere to aim her camera in through their factory windows. Ohhhh so stupid. It doesn't end well as the brothers end up ramming her car with their vehicle, which resembles something you'd see in Mad Max. While it appears the boys are about to make her pay, from out of nowhere comes Razorback, the giant killer hog, who ends up gobbling up the injured Beth.

Her husband Carl flies out to try to figure out what happened to his wife and for some reason ends up on a hunt with the Petpak brothers in which he is stranded in the outback. Razorback only shows up every once in awhile and there is an old guy who keeps trying to catch him as he kidnapped and ate his grandson. Yeah, it's just a big mess as there is a serious lack of Razorback in the film. Giant killer pig concept - excellent; lack of titled character - lame.

Death Valley: The Revenge of Bloody Bill (2004)

A debate team on their way to a competition are car jacked by a drug dealer looking for his partner who ran off with their money. They track the partner to a ghost town where the partner stumbles upon them and bloodily warns them that they need to get out of town before they are killed. This prompts one student to remember that this is the town where Bloody Bill was killed and that he'd issued a curse on the town before he died. No one is as concerned as they should be, which is too bad as the zombies will soon be after them.

This is a sorry excuse for a film. The acting is sub par and the story is ridiculous. There is a sign showing the population at the town entrace which increases everytime the zombies kill someone. But when zombies are dispatched, the number doesn't go down.

The dvd had an extra entitled Zombie Dance. That sounded kind of interesting, but it was not to be. I have no idea why it they called it the zombie dance as it was just a collection of photographs with bad music playing.

There was also a short Behind the Scenes feature which consisted of interviews and people joking around, in which the jokes would probably be funny if you were on the set, but they fall flat if you weren't involved.

The girl who plays Mandy states that Mandy is a lovable charcter, everybody has a little Mandy in them, and that you have to have sympathy for her. She is dead wrong on all counts. Mandy is a royal pain in the ass who you want dead as soon as possible.

The most interesting thing about the Behind the Scenes is that there was actually some good zombie make up in the film. When I was watching the film, I thought the zombie makeup looked terrible. Perhaps the worst ones ended up in best camera position? I don't remember seeing any good makeup in the film, but there were some really nice zombies behind the scenes.

The makeup for Bloody Bill is ridiculous and one of the worst in the film. Look at the dvd cover. I thought that was probably just a bad drawing. Nope, that is what Bill actually looks like and it looks stupid.

Let me leave you with this exchange - The movie is in the $1.00 budget dvds at Walmart. When the clerk saw my purchase, she said, "Oh I bought that movie too. It was pretty good."

"Really?", I asked.

"Well...," she paused for a minute. "It was okay. I mean, for what I paid for it I guess I can't complain." Yup, that sums it up.

Acts of Death (2007)

aka The Final Curtain

Theater students sneak into the campus theater to have the lamest party ever. They plan to initiate the new girl, which consists of slipping her a mickey and date rape. As if that isn't mind boggling horrible enough, the date rapists girlfriend video tapes the assault, which goes horribly wrong and the girl ends up dead. Stupidly enough they choose to do get rid of the body. The next day the group are asked to stay for a late rehearsal and start getting picked off by an unknown killer stalking the halls.

The one thing going for it is that it has Reggie Banister, of Phantasm fame, as the night security guard. The pacing is absolutely tedious, the acting isn't very good, the characters are annoying and unlikable, and the ending is a long way to go for nothing. Plus there are plot developments thrown into the last few minute of the film that make you wonder if perhaps they didn't know how to end it, or realized that the ending made no sense so they threw this in.

In the Spider's Web (2007)

A group of people are camping and hiking in the jungle for reasons that are never fleshed out and their relationship, if any, is never explained. But their guide is an idiot and so are they as they sleep on the jungle floor without tents, blankets, or netting for bugs. Surprisingly enough they do not encounter any problems with this until the last night of their trip when one of the women is bitten by a spider.

The group determines that they can not get her back to the nearest town before she dies and decide to try to find a legendary white doctor who supposedly lives nearby in the forrest. Yes, if I'm ever bitten by a spider, I'd prefer my friends to randomly wander through the dense jungle trying to find a rumored doctor in a hut rather than get me to an actual town that they know exists.

They stumble a across the doctor living with a tribe and while he tends to the woman, three of the group head back to town to find some help. The other two stay with the doctor, but while out exploring run across a cave which houses not only loads of cgi spiders but the doctor's secret.

Please enjoy the spiders on strings, or as we liked to call them, the yo-yo spiders.

Star Slyderz (2005)

This is one of those films you'll either think is great or completely stupid. Part satire and part sophomoric humor, it looks like a kids space show right out of the 1980s, complete with catchy theme song. In fact, I thought my friends had told me this was filmed in the mid 80s and I wouldn't have known different with the costumes and sets looking the way they did, other than the copyright info. What a fantastic job these guys did on a zero budget. It's a truly bizarre film and thankfully there are no cgi monsters.

The story follows Captain Johnny Taylor, whose father Jason was killed while Captain of the first Star Slyderz. The president asks Johnny and the Star Sliderz crew to rescue his daughter from the clutches of Gorgon, an evil space criminal who plans to destroy the earth. Making the mission even more important is that Johnny's father was killed by Gorgon's right hand man, Mortikai. Oh yeah, and I should mention that this is a musical, but in the best possible way.

Neon Maniacs (1986)

Teenagers partying in the park are killed by a group of mutated maniacs. Contrary to the title, they do not glow brightly, but the neon refers to their bodily fluids as they glop they leave behind in neon.

Natalie, the lone survivor of the attack, tells the police what happened but they don't believe her. In fact, none of the parents of the missing kids believe her either. Everyone keeps saying it must be a prank. Yeah, what a great joke. Hey gang, let's all disappear and have Natalie tell everyone we were slaughtered. We'll all have a good laugh over that one.

The only person who actually believes Natalie is Paula, a junior high student who is into monster movies. In a disturbing casting move, Paul appears to be close to thirty even though she is playing a kid, which is symbolized by her baseball hat being slightly askew. It's also odd to see a horror movie loving kid to film a vampire movie during the day.

When Natalie won't talk to Paula, she takes it upon herself to go to the murder scene and try to get some footage of the killers.
She tracks the monsters to under the Golden Gate Bridge and using her movie camera, (which would have been an out of the ordinary thing for a kid to have in 1986), she attempts to film them but is seen by the monsters and has to flee. But not before discovering that their Achilles heel is water.

Natalie starts dating delivery boy Steve and the two end up teaming up with Paula as the maniacs keep trying to kill Natalie. Their brilliant idea is to try to dispatch the monsters at the battle of the bands Halloween dance at the high school where Steve is singing his horrible songs.

This goes horribly wrong as everyone is in costume and by the time they see the maniacs, it's too late and there is a panic with everyone forgetting to use their water pistols on the creatures. This leads to the police finally considering what Natalie has to say seriously. I'm not going to say more than that, except that this is one of those movies that has no real resolution and I'm not sure if they just couldn't figure out how to end it, or were preparing the way for a possible sequel.

Burst City (1982)

aka Bakuretsu Toshi

In Japan of the future, which looks like the barren post-apocalyptic world of Mad Max, punk bands live in abandoned factories and come together at night for drag racing and music. Add to this a biker with metal chest plate and his mute sidekick in a sidecar, plus some yakuza taking over the neighborhood and using gangs as forced labor. Oh you just know that's not going to go well.

The box has a synposis, but quite honestly I couldn't follow any sort of plot while watching it. Don't expect it to make sense and don't expect there to be any resolution. I did enjoy the bands, especially the Battle Rockers with their amusingly titled "Wild Supermarket". If you want more info on the film, I'd recommend reading about it either at KFC Cinema or Midnight Eye, both great Japanese cinema sites.

Be Kind Rewind (2008)

I like Jack Black. I think he's funny. But why does he have to make such crappy movies? In this one, Jack plays Jerry who ends up magnetized when he tries to sabotage the electrical station next to his garage. His magnetism accidentally erases all the tapes in the video store where he hangs out.

Once his friend Mike, who is taking care of the store while the owner is away, figures out what has happened, he and Jerry remake Ghostbusters as the woman checking in on them wants to rent it. They can't find he film on vhs in any other rental store in town, and she'll tell the owner they messed up if they can't provide the movie.

There are some funny scenes in the movie and the remakes are funny, but overall it's a generic big budget comedy with a cliched ending. Another disappointment and a reason I try to avoid mainstream films. This is another in the type of film I would call good background noise for a Sunday afternoon spent cleaning the house.

Life Without Dick (2002)

I was flipping around the channels on basic cable when I saw Sarah Jessica Parker killing that dumbass Johnny Knoxville. That made me very happy, so I continued watching. Harry Connick Jr. plays an accountant whose Irish mobster brother-in-law promotes him to hitman because he seems unhappy in his job as an accountant. But since he hasn't even made one hit in the year that he's been a hitman, it all comes down to his current assignment, which is to kill local PI Knoxville who is also Parker's boyfriend, and Connick likes Parker.

I hate to admit it, but I got sucked into this comedy of errors and watched the entire thing. It's not that great a movie. In fact, the comedy falls flat, but it's an okay Sunday afternoon movie and I'm sure many women would enjoy hearing Harry Connick Jr. sing Danny Boy. I wouldn't rent it, but if I was looking for mindless entertainment while I was doing something else, I'd let it play in the background.

Vampire Wars: Battle for the Universe (2005)

aka Bloodsuckers
In the future, there are space vampires, so there is a need for Vampire Sanitation (V-SAN), who responds to distress calls and kills whatever vampires are running amuck. They have a five man team, which includes good vampire Quintana (who can smell other vampires) and rookie Damien.

There are three types of vampires named Voorhees, Leatherfaces, and Nosferati, plus a new species which turns out to be a little phallic worm that inhabits a host in order to track and feed on humans. The worm is unintentionally hysterical when Quintana interrogates it, and when it's huge mouth let's out a girly scream, you'll die laughing.

It's not a very good movie, but it is fun to watch as there are plenty of ridiculous moments, lots of Alien ripoffs, and bad dialogue.

The Hitcher (2007)

Two college students heading off for the weekend with friends, almost hit a man on a deserted stretch of road in New Mexico.  As it is pouring out, Jim thinks they should give him a ride, but Grace thinks that is a bad idea.  

They meet up with the man at a truck stop down the road and when he asks Jim for a ride into town, Jim feels obliged to help.  Unfortunately Grace's feelings were correct as the man turns out to be a psycho who torments them until they are able to throw him out of the car.

Even though they are unnerved, they end up pulling off the road to sleep and the next day are passed by a family in a station wagon, who are giving the same psycho a ride.  They crash their car trying to warn the family, and stumble upon the poor family later, who have become victims. Driving the family's car to a truck stop to ask for help, they are arrested for the murders. 

The original Hitcher movie scared me, but this one didn't have the same effect.  I didn't feel the tension the first movie had.  Plus the characters did some really stupid things.  If a psycho killer and the police are after you, would you really feel comfortable enough to get naked and take a long shower?  This killing machine keeps showing up everywhere they go, yet they aren't concerned about being naked and vulnerable.

Black Heat (1976)

Anyone who buys this dvd for the cover is going to be sorely disappointed as neither person pictured is in the movie due to this being a 1976 Al Adamson blaxploitation flick.  

It seems to me they should market the cover towards someone who might actually want to see it, rather than those who will be totally alienated once they see what they've purchased.  I wouldn't take a second look at this cover.  The original poster art is much better and let's you know exactly what you're getting.  Personally I hate updated cover art as it is always worse than the original and is completely generic.

Kicks Carter and Tony are after two local bad guys, Guido and Ziggy.  Carter's reporter girlfriend carries around a movie camera which takes up a huge portion of the front seat of her car.  Tony's girlfriend has a gambling problem which gets worse after his death in a car crash engineering by Ziggy.

There is an incredibly bad lounge song called "No More Mail Until Tomorrow", and yes the lyrics are as bad as the title leads you to believe.  

There are also several misspellings in the film, such as the "Neigbor" Hood Pool, or the boxes marked "amuniton".

Not one of the better movies of this type, especially since it is noted in the liner notes that the movie had two different opening reels so that it could play in two types of theaters, either as Girls Hotel (naughty girls getting in trouble), or Black Heat, (action blaxploitation flick).  

The Day After Tomorrow (2004)

Paleoclimatologist Jack Hall warns the vice president of the coming danger due to global warming and his recent experiences on an ice flow. But does the VP listen to Jack? No, of course not. Granted, Jack said there would be catastrophic destruction within a thousand years, but how was he to know his timing would be off by a thousand years and the global destruction had already started. Um, well, yes, I guess his credibility does come into question, doesn't it.

Jack's son Sam, played by Jake Gyllenhaal - who looks way too old to be in high school - has gone to New York for a scholastic endeavor, which places him in the middle of disaster as New York is about to be hit by a tidal wave, followed by temperatures so cold that gasoline freezes.

When Sam and his friends hole up with other survivors in the NYC Library, Jack tells him to stay inside and he'll come get him. Jack and his two co-workers head off in a pick up truck to rescue Sam, which prompts the question, how are they going to fit everyone in the cab? And more importantly, what kind of crappy rescue is this?

It's an interesting and scary premise, but there are too many questions that arise, such as:

• how was Jack able to sink his ice ax into the glass roof of a building?
• if continuous exposure to the outside air temperature is deadly, then why does Jack think he'll succeed with a pick up truck, snowshoes, and a tent?
• if the storm is covering the northern US and Washington DC has already been written off, then how can Jack make it to Manhattan when he's walking?
• wouldn't wolves go after easier prey, such as the sickly or recently deceased?
  
• why the wolves?  Wasn't the global destruction enough?
• does there always need to be a sassy homeless man in movies that take place in New York?
• why does the statue of Liberty look so small compared to the size of Jack?
• if light showing beneath the door, then shouldn't the cold air have been able to get in and freeze everything in the room, even with a fire going?
• how did Jack get in touch with anyone once he was in Manhattan since the cell phones didn't get any signal and the pay phones were frozen under water?

Boy Eats Girl (2005)

I was disappointed in this film. The trailer was very well done and the description on the dvd went along with the trailer in making it seem like the movie was about the difficulty of high school and the lead character having a girlfriend who he was trying not to eat. Perhaps I am too literal, but that really wasn't what was going on in the movie. Maybe if I'd never seen the trailer I would have been better off.

Nathan wants to date his friend Jessica, but hasn't gotten the nerve to tell her. When she doesn't show up to meet him, he sees her out with the school sleaze and his heart is broken. Unfortunately he doesn't realize she has been trying to find Nathan and only accepted a ride home due to the downpour.

Nathan goes home, seeks solace in alcohol, and places a noose around his neck. In another unfortunate event, his mom chooses to walk through the door to turn down his music and Nathan expires. But not for long as mom has a book on rituals to restore life and Nathan is back on his feet again.... unfortunately the book is missing some pages and Nathan has been resurrected as one of the undead. This is the start of the zombie plague that breaks out in town after Nathan bites the ear off the high school bully at the school dance.

I'm not sure if I should wait a few months and watch it again, or if it's just an average movie. I was expecting something really different after the way the trailer portrayed it. So disappointing, but perhaps if you don't have expectations, it's okay.

Superbad (2007)

During the beginning of the movie, I was wondering why this was supposed to be so funny. I'm not into crude teenage boy humor where they talk about sex and girls in graphic detail that teenage girls would be horrified to be mentioned. However, once the plotline involving the fake id and the party started, the vulgarity was put aside for the most part and I actually thought the movie was funny.

Seth and Evan, best friends forever, are about to graduate from high school and have gotten into different colleges. When Seth's partner doesn't show up for their home economics class, he is paired with Jules, a girl he is interested in, who invites him to a party she is having that night. Seth and Evan haven't been invited to a single party during high school. They're excited to go, especially when Evan finds out Becca, the girl he has a crush on, will be at the party.

When their friend Fogell says he's getting a fake id, Seth tells Jules that he has a fake id. When she asks him to pick up the alcohol for the party, he agrees. The story really gets going once Seth, Evan, and Fogell meet up outside the liquor store. From there it's chaos and the goal of providing alcohol as well as getting to the party are in jeopardy.

If you can get past the crude beginning and overlook the weak ending, it's got some good laughs and is worth seeing.

Burial Ground (1981)

aka Le Notti del Terrore

I decided to watch this film because the vhs cover art is great and it was released on Vestron Video. Little did I know this was the same movie I saw years ago in a local theater that was on it's way out, and was a film that completely creeped me out, not so much due to zombies but rather to the incestuous freaky little boy, Michael.

The movie begins when a professor exploring a crypt awakens the undead, which prompts the ridiculous line "I'm your friend" as the zombies converge upon him. Cut to some upper class couples jaunting off for the weekend at a villa and to meet the professor - yes, the same professor who has just been eaten by zombies. Needless to say their choice of holiday plans goes very badly.

The couples cavort about the estate and then the undead begin to rise. It takes the couples a little while to figure this out as they are too busy making out. When they decide they must get back to the house, one of the girls ends up getting her foot caught in a bear trap. No, I'm not kidding. Even better, once they pry her leg out of the trap, the skin isn't even broken. It's just slightly discolored.

After they free her from the trap, they are able to get inside before the zombies get them. Unfortunately the couple in the basement are not so lucky and the husband is consumed. The mother and freaky little Michael manage to escape and meet up with the others.

The group tries to figure out how to keep the zombies out, but they aren't too bright. At one point, they even postulate that the zombies might not actually be after them, so why not let them into the house.

The film is ridiculous and disturbing. The dubbing is bad, especially when it comes to Michael as he appears to have been dubbed by an adult trying to sound like a child. The actor who plays Michael is obviously not a child, which is possibly because I don't think it would be legal to do what the incestuous plot requires. Yup, he's really creepy.

Days of Darkness (2007)

A meteor that looks like a vertebra hits the earth and people start turning into zombies. A group of survivors hole up in a bunker on top of a hill and try to formulate a plan for survival. One of the woman is a porn star and talks repeatedly about it, which makes you pray the zombies will soon eat her.

While there are zombies outside the compound, what the survivors discover is that the meteor also had some sort of alien life form which incubates in the zombie host. This leads to a really disgusting scene, which I must confess was original. I've never seen an alien sack that made me so squeamish.

The characters are annoying and the explanation as to why this particular group did not turn into zombies is incredibly lame. Also if you're looking for zombie action, there's not much. The carnage that does occur is due to the stupidity of the characters, so you don't feel sorry for them.

Angel of Death (2002)

aka Semana Santa

Mira Sorvino walks around looking sad while trying to solve the murder of twins. Along with her partners, she investigates an attack and slayings by a man in a red pointy hood, who appears to be part of a secret society.

The murders bring her in contact with an old woman who confides the story of her youth, which involves the atrocities of war and trauma. The information she provides about her youth is helpful in the murders the cops are investigating.

I found the film barely interesting enough to keep watching, but not horrible enough to mock.