The Terror Within (1989)

After "the accident", a small group of survivors living in an underground complex run low on supplies.  When the scouting team screams "Gargoyles!" over the radio and doesn't return, another team is sent to look for them.

The second team discovers the first team dead, as well as numerous bodies near a cave where they appear to have taken up residence.  They also find a lone female survivor in a state of fear trying to escape the gargoyles that are chasing her.

When they get her back to the base, the doctor examines her and discovers she's three months pregnant.  The next day her pregnancy appears to be at seven or eight months. Uh oh, that's not good.

They decide the baby must be terminated and set about operating on her.  Out pops a Gargoyle baby who quickly runs off into the  air vent.  Damn it!  Why aren't people more careful to lock their air vents?!  Don't they know that's the first place monsters hide to  have the run of the ship.

Soon the whole crew is fighting the gargoyle in the complex.  They construct flame throwers, laser blasters, and use a bow and arrow.  But when the terror strikes, all they can do is scream and neglect to fire their weapons.  Shame on you, Roger Corman!  Actually, it's not that bad. It's not good, but it's kind of fun in a stupid 1980s movie way.

Inkubus (2011)

Joey Fatone (NSync) is a cop.  Robert Englund is the Inkubus.  William Forsythe is a cop brought out of retirement.  And a twitchy Jonathan Silverman wishes he were in a movie where he wasn't playing second fiddle to Joey Fatone.

A skeleton crew at a police station that will soon be shut down are questioning a kid covered in his girlfriends blood.  He claims a stranger just showed up in his room and decapitated his girlfriend.  The police don't believe him - not until the killer shows up in the interrogation room holding the severed head.

Sounds exciting?  Well it's not.  It moves at a snails pace and the police don't seem all that good at their jobs.  I wanted to like this as Robert Englund and William Forsythe have done some cool films.  But we were so bored that we shut it off half way through the movie.

Alien Opponent (2010)

When an alien ship crashes in a junkyard shortly after the murder of the owner, his wife and his mother-in-law (who killed him) decide to pin the killing on the alien.  Then they realize they can't collect their big inheritance without a body, which is in the junkyard with the alien.

They go on tv to offer a $100,000 reward to whoever can retrieve the body and kill the alien.  Tons of idiots show up the next day in hopes of getting rich quick.  The alien does not take kindly to a mass of idiots trying to kill him as he just wants to be left alone to  repair his ship.

There are a few characters that are briefly introduced to us before the carnage starts, but mostly it's just people streaming in and out of the story line.  The most enjoyable one is Roddy Piper who  plays a priest that teams up with a couple other reward seekers.

There are some funny moments in the film, and the requisite back stabbers who manipulate, start rumors, and cause general distrust among the competitors to ensure that will be the ones to get the money.

Curse of the Headless Horseman (1972)

After Mark's uncle dies in an accident, he brings his hippie friends to the Wild West town he's inherited.  The narrator informs us that Mark must make the ranch, i.e. ghost town, profitable within six months or ownership will revert to the creepy caretaker Solomon who lives on the property.

Mark and his friends fix up the town and put together a show for tourists, while creepy Solomon warns them about a man on a horse who rides through town looking for a head.  Mark ignores this talk, but makes sure to keep on all the gunfighters who worked for his Uncle so that they can entertain the tourists.

The film has lots of padding.  There is a long sequence in the theater where most of the group sits in the audience while they take turns heading up on stage to sing songs, do yo-yo tricks, and perform improv comedy.  If this is an indication of what the tourists are going to see, they're going to be very disappointed.

There's a whole lot of talk about nothing and the first kill doesn't happen until fifty minutes into the film.  The foley is questionable, especially when a girl hit by a truck on a dirt road sounds like it's a car on cobblestones.  Watch for the adult female tourist carrying the Superman lunchbox.   This was done by the same guy who did Carnival of Blood.

Ridiculous dialogue:

"It's a super generation gap."

"Try as he could to save her life, he could only fail."

"All these people have been splattered with real blood?  Who but a doctor would have access to that much blood?"

Carnival of Blood (1970)

Newly promoted Assistant District Attorney Dan takes his fiance Cathy to Coney Island on what is supposed to be a date, but turns out to be an investigation into a recent series of murders.  Cathy is not impressed, but who would be since trying to track down a serial killer isn't what a newly engaged woman wants to do on a date with the man of her dreams.

Cathy's neighbor Tom runs a booth at the park.  His assistant Gimpy, played but Burt Young of Rocky fame, covers the booth when Tom needs to run errands.

Suspicion for the killings is thrown onto several characters:  Dan is a little too intense; Gimpy is weird and antagonistic; and Tom can be super crazy scary when he's angry.

The victims are all females who are irritating, rude and nasty.  In fact there is only one woman in the whole film who is nice.  I'm not sure if that's the filmmakers view of women as a whole, or it was just a convenient way to make us okay with their deaths.  I usually don't even think about that, but this was so blatant that I did wonder if the writer hated women.

Overall the film has the feel of a Ray Dennis Steckler movie.  There's lots of padding and pointless conversations.  That being said, I find Stecklers movies to be oddly charming, although this film tends to border on tedious at times.  But I guess the same could be said of Steckler's films.

The thing I enjoyed the most was the footage of Coney Island from the late 1960s.

Starcrash (1978)

David Hasselhoff, Marjoe Gortner, and Carolyn Munro star in this outer space ripoff of Star Wars.  Hasselhoff is Prince Simon who is stranded on a planet after a spaceship crash.  Gortner is Akton... well I'm still not sure if he's part robot or what's going on there as he can play with electricity in his hand.  Munro is Stella Star, a Han Solo type of character, who wears tiny little costumes no matter where she goes.  And Christopher Plummer.... wait, how did he end up in this mess?

Evil bad guy Count Zarth Arn plans to take over the universe while Munro and Akton try to stop him while looking for Simon, the lost son of the Emperor (Plummer).

There are robots, bouncing cavemen, special effects right out of Mystery Science Theater, an Emperor who can stop the flow of time, a bad guy who chews the scenery, a doomsday device, and lots of laughs.  While there are times that the film slows down, the next ridiculous thing will be along soon, such as Stella working in the mines wearing a bikini.  Yes, she's the only one in the mining prison colony who wears a bikini instead of a loose drab outfit.  Ridiculous!

The Key (2008)

A group of friends help buddy Dylan with his documentary and spend the weekend at an abandoned building rumored to be haunted.  But Dylan has a hidden agenda. His grandfather was a Freemason who told him stories of a treasure located within the building.

Dylan has surreptitiously chosen this site to film because he wants his friends to help him find the long lost treasure hidden there.   I guess Dylan figures he can cover more ground with a group since the building is huge.  But as he hasn't told any of them about the treasure, it's not like anyone is actually looking for it.

His plan changes when three friends in a love triangle start fighting and one decides to leave.  In order to get him to stay, Dylan finally tells them all why he invited them for the weekend.  There's also a curse, but he's not all that concerned with mentioning it.

And so begins a completely nonsensical scene where Dylan remembers that his grandfather left him a key hidden in a book.  How could he forget?  It's a key to the treasure and that's why they're there.  The key reminds one of the girls about a creepy door she saw while exploring. She insists this must be the door the key goes to.... because it's just so creepy and all.

When they arrive at the door - which you'd assume must be incredibly creepy since she made note of it before she was told there was any evil afoot - we discover that it looks like every other door in the building.  Even more puzzling is why they believe the key is for this door since it isn't locked.

A normal door that is not creepy in any way...

...and the incredibly creepy door to nowhere.

It's also odd that they refer to it as a door to nowhere.  When they open the door, you can see the slant of a ceiling and possibly a sink.   To make matters more ridiculous, since they didn't need the key to open it, they decide the key must be intended to lock the door.  What the.....???   Wouldn't you look for a different door that was locked?  Why would you even think of that?  No reason other than to advance the plot since they need some way to release the demon.

And speaking of releasing the demon, you'd think that means we actually get to see a demon.  Ah but your standards are too high, my friend. What we get instead are actors pretending to be choked or flinging themselves around the room.  It's something right out of a 1960s Star Trek episode.  In fact, the demon isn't visible until literally the last three minutes of the film and then it's just some doofus in a monks robe. Good god, the terror!

Oh my god! I'm being choked by an invisible demon

The picture often seems to be slightly out of focus and there is uneven mixing on the sound.  One character might be too soft to hear while the other is at a good volume.  The film gets really crappy looking after they open the demon closet.  I'm not sure whether it represents the change in the atmosphere due to the demon or if it's just bad movie making.  Well it's bad either way since the focus isn't consistent and the lighting is terrible.  If this was intentional, then that makes it worse.

Pre-demon lighting

Post-demon lighting

Other things that don't work for the film?  The first kill is fifty minutes into it.  The opening credits list D-Rizzle as one of the actors. He also does music for the film, including the song over the end credits which is a rap tune called "Take a Shit".   Seriously?  Not only is it a stupid thing to write a song about, but it's even stupider to use it over the credits of your movie.  Also the DVD has no menu or chapters and doesn't even autoplay when you pop it in.  And that dvd cover?  Yeah, there's nothing like that in the film.

The funniest thing is I kept wondering why Justin looked familiar.  When he lost his hat, I realized he reminded me of a cross between Shaggy and Velma from Scooby Doo.  Right after that thought occurred, he got into a fight and lost his glasses.  Oh Shaggy Velma... what will we do with you?

It's Shaggy and he's wearing Velma's glasses.

None of the screen shots have been altered.  The odd colors and soft focus are how the film actually looks.

Does this shot mean someone is peering between the books and watching them?  No.

Should the characters hair blend into the darkness? No.

Should you randomly roll paint on the wall to imply abandonment? No.

Should you wear pearls to explore an abandoned building? No.

Can our characters escape a locked glass door? No.

Can your ample bazooms stop the walls from closing in? No.

Not of This Earth (1988)

Nadine is hired to be a live in nurse for Mr. Johnson, who has some sort of ailment that requires regular blood transfusions.  Johnson, a secretive man who always wears sunglasses, is an alien scout trying to determine if Earth is a good planet to take over.  He picks up hookers and sends their blood - or tries to send their bodies - back to his planet.  The aliens need blood to survive, hence his constant transfusions.

The opening credits include all sorts of monsters and death scenes that are not in the film, so don't get too excited.  It's just a jumble of scenes from other Roger Corman movies.  Traci Lords stars as the nurse and was better than I expected.

Blood Moon (1989)

Students start mysteriously disappearing from a private girls school and neighboring boys school.  When a teenage couple sneak away to the woods one  night for some extracurricular activities, a killer with a barbed wire noose chokes them and gouges their eyes out. Yuck!  The thought of a barbed wire noose is horrible.

After the quick kills at the beginning of the movie, the film veers off into a teen comedy plot line where the townies are being harassed by the rich prep kids.  The rivalry culminates at a weekend dance when the preps are humiliated by being sprayed with a water canon.

There is also  a romance between a townie and a rich girl, following stereotypical plot lines where they  sneak around because they're dating outside their class, before going back into the slasher part of the film.

The band at the dance is called Vice. They sing a song called Blood Moon which has a ballad style verse but then kicks in at the chorus.  It contains the lyrics:

Love is the messenger
And death is his rage
Blood moon a-rising

The Howling Reborn (2011)

Combine Twilight, The Howling, and a lead who looks like Daniel Radcliffe, and you've got The Howling Reborn.  High school loser Will pines for popular girl Eliana, who is dating cool kid Roland.  Roland doesn't like Will looking at his girl, so he beats Will up and threatens worse if Will's attention continues.

Eliana becomes interested in Will due to his creepy semi-stalker obsession with her and invites him to a party.  While there, he gets drugged and starts to feel as if he is being chased by a growling creature  which he fears is a werewolf.

After the party, Roland tracks down Will to administer another beating.  But Will's tired of being pushed around and finds he has some sort of superhuman strength.  After Roland is beaten up and left bleeding, he pulls a gun and chases Will, only to be pushed to his death.  Will starts wondering he if is a werewolf.

There's lots of teen angst leading up to graduation.  Then on graduation night, (yes the class is graduating at night), Will's mother - who he'd been told died when he was born - shows up.  As his mother tries to indoctrinate Will into her new life, the school becomes a blood bath while the graduation ceremony takes place outside.

There is no tie in to previous Howling movies.  It's purpose appears to be to revitalize the franchise by giving the werewolf story a Twilight spin.  It's not so much a horror movie as a teen movie.  There are voice overs by Will with super deep comments that teens will identify with, but adults will find trite.

Evil Eyes (2004)

Jeff is a screenwriter who is hired to write a script based on a filmmaker who murdered his own family and then killed himself.   Jeff delves deep into his research, watches the killers film, visits the house where the murders took place, starts having nightmares and then whatever he writes in the script happens in real life.

After trying to get out of writing due to his fear that any horrible thing he writes will occur to someone he knows, he gets writers block.  With the production company putting pressure on him,  Jeff decides that the only thing that could inspire him is to move into the murder house with his wife Tree. Yes, that's right, his wife's name is Tree.

Once they move in, Jeff's nightmares get worse, weird things happen, and he starts thinking about killing his wife.  Is he crazy?  Is it all coincidence?  Does he have some sort of biological connection to the killer?  And why isn't this movie better?  It would have been far more creepy and enjoyable with Udo Kier as Jeff.

Nazis at the Center of the Earth (2012)

Researchers in Antarctica are kidnapped and brought beneath the surface into a world inhabited by the infamous Dr. Mengele and his nazi zombies.  Mengele transplants living tissue, organs, and bone into any nazis who are wearing out.

With the help of some of his captives, Mengele brings to life Robo-Hitler, who is right back at it with his plans for domination.  But long monologues full of exposition drag the movie to a stand still.

Here's the problem I have with the movies put out by The Asylum.  Great title, great idea, but the execution of said great idea is not all that interesting.  Just because you're a low budget movie doesn't mean you shouldn't try even a little bit to be entertaining and competent.

You would think a movie couldn't miss with zombies, nazis,  and Robo-Hitler. That's right, Hitlers head in a bubble with a huge robot body. On top of that he owns a UFO that he can use to fly right out of the Earth and cause havoc.  But somehow, even with all this, the film ends up getting a reaction of myeh.

Paranormal Incident (2011)

A group of friends working on a thesis (which is never explained) go to an abandoned lunatic asylum for the weekend.  The team is split into believers and skeptics, a point which is repeatedly hammered into your head - even though when it comes down to it, the skeptics aren't very skeptical at all.

The movie is told in flashback form by John, who is in the hospital, being questioned by police as to what happened to his friends.  He's a suspect in their murders, even though no bodies have been found.

The movie is mostly told via P.O.V. footage from the cameras the group brought into the building.  It's strange that the police  think John is a suspect since the footage shows he was not at the scene when his friends died.

In fact, John excused himself before they started the investigation.  He and Tess were planning to scare the others by having John coming back to the asylum around 3am to make noises.  Seems like a stupid idea for multiple reasons, including that this is work for their thesis.  Also questionable is that when John leaves he padlocks everyone else in for the night.  God forbid there should be a fire or medical emergency where they actually need to leave the building.

Unintentional humor is caused when the group attempts to leave due to the spirit activity and can't find a way out.  As they sit at base camp and discuss the problem, in the background there two air conditioners in the windows, one of which appears to have blue painters tape around it to keep out  drafts.

Another movie where people go looking for ghosts, then freak out and run away when something scary happens.

Creatures (2011)

A group of friends traveling to New Orleans for a vacation take a short cut through swamp country and end up in a backwater town. While stopped at a hillbilly store to buy some beer, the gang is told the story of Lockjaw, a gator man.

It seems there was a backwoods incestuous swamp family who lived in the swamp. When a crazy swamp gator kills Grimley's pregnant sister/wife, Grimley goes insane.  He hunts the gator to its lair, kills it, and consumes it.  This causes him to transform into a mutant half man, half gator who takes his anger out on anyone who happens to come near the swamp.  And thus Lockjaw is born.  Why must these crazies always target people who had nothing to do with their twisted fate?

After insulting the hillbillies, the gang asks them to provide a map to the House of Grimley.  Yes, always good to ask the pissed off hillbillies to draw you a map to an abandoned tourist attraction.  When the group arrives, there isn't even a path.   But since it's getting late, they decide to wander into the swamp and camp next to the old Grimley house.  Ummm, what?

Even if they weren't concerned about the legend, it's a swamp! So it's crazy to camp out there, what with the gators, mosquitoes, and angry hillbillies, not to mention the legend of Lockjaw. Soon they feel as if something or someone is watching them.  Is it the hillbillies?  The creature of legend?  Whatever.

You won't care about the characters, and while I applaud anyone who uses a monster suit rather than cgi, it's not a good looking monster suit.  Also why do they call the gator man Lockjaw?  If he's got lockjaw, he's not going to be much of a threat.

Metal Tornado (2011)

Good god! Run for your lives!  It's a metal tornado!  Actually it's more apt to say a magnetic vortex filled with swirling metal debris which was sucked in by the massive magnetic pull in an experiment gone wrong that supposedly had no design flaws and has just been sold for big money.

A scientist discovers a design flaw in a program he devised to harness energy from solar flares.  When he tries to call the company he formerly worked for, they are in the midst of selling his idea and don't want to deal from him.  Within a few minutes of this call, his design flaw kills him.

When the first practical run of the program is complete, the scientists monitoring it notice that 2% of the energy has been released.  But what they do not know is that this energy has caused a magnetic vortex and our metal tornado is off and running.

As the tornado ingests cars, grocery shelves, and gas pumps, those who saw it don't think to mention it to the investigators.  Oh, there is one guy who is blind without his glasses, but his wife emasculates him and no one takes him seriously. We get about half way through the movie before someone decides it's important to mention that a magnetic funnel is responsible for the damage.

Lots of eye rolling is to be had at the plot point cliches, dialogue and stupid characters doing exactly what you'd expect them to do - ignore the obvious.  Hilarity ensues when they look at the inventors files and he has one labeled Design Flaws.  Thankfully the scientists are not made up of the Insane Clown Posse and they know how magnets work.

Cheerleader Massacre (2003)

Anytime there are boobs in the credits, you know you're in trouble.  It's not even part of the storyline.  It's just clips of topless ladies with the actresses names next to the nakedness.  Next thing you know they're in a jacuzzi squirting chocolate syrup on each other.  This is still the credits!  Whenever I see embarrassing nudity in a movie, I always wonder if there's a conversation that begins, "Hey Mom and Dad, I'm in this movie....."

Also I'd like to point out that it's not a good idea to show a woman with huge bazooms and then go to a woman with tiny breasts because it makes them look even smaller.

So if you want to see naked women and you're too young to rent porn, I guess this would be the movie to watch.  We were barely able to make it past the credits before the wretchedness  compelled us to shut it off.

The Haunting of Marsden Manor (2007)

Jill, a blind girl with a bad attitude and a chip on her shoulder, has just inherited her Aunt Lillian's home.  Jill never met her Aunt and is a bit unnerved as the house is so far out in the middle of nowhere.  So she asks her friends Rob and Erica to go with her and stay at the house for the weekend.

When they arrive, she starts having visions of a woman in the house.  No one believes her since she's freakin' blind.

The house was built in 1830 and is a huge home with nice woodwork, massive rooms, a huge staircase, and fancy old furniture.  This makes the kitchen all the more strange since it appears to be a modern kitchen in a small New York studio apartment.  It's basically an aisle with cabinets and appliances on both sides.

They stay in the house overnight but not much happens.  There is a door that keeps popping open, the blind girl complains about everything and has a few glimpses of a ghostly woman.  When the door  refuses to stay latched,  Rob takes the unusual tact of nailing it shut.  I can't believe that's the best idea he could muster.  What if they need to get into the room?  Plus it's a beautiful wooden door, but since Jill can't see it, I guess it's not a problem.

The group finds a hidden room behind a modern bookcase and via flashbacks we are treated to a boring interaction between Kate, who has a bad southern accent, and a confederate soldier who she treats after he is injured.  It explains everything that's going on, but it's so lame that you'll think, that's it?  If this is supposed to be scary, they've done a terrible job.

Jills blind shtick wears thin as she takes offense so easily.  When Rob asks her about playing the piano, she states that she no longer knows how to play anymore since she's blind.  Did she use her eyeballs on the keys?  Because unless she had some sort of super eye power, she should be using her fingers.

In another instance when a lawyer is kind of snotty with her, she angrily exclaims, "I am not bright eyed because I'm blind.  So obviously I can't go to law school or any other school.  I can't make the world a better place because I can't see it."  Many blind folks would beg to differ.

When they find the family bible, which says it is owned by Lillian, things become a muddled.  According to the birth dates inscribed, Lillian was born in 1814 which would mean she can't be the same person as Aunt Lillian who just died.

Another issue is the bible verses that were bookmarked were in red ink and everything else in black.  Somehow I don't think the bible publisher is going to print the verses about fear that the family needed in red ink.  Since it was from the 1800s, perhaps underlining with a pencil, or just the bookmark with the verse number to direct them to the appropriate place on the page.

Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutters Cover (2005)

While opening a treasure chest found on the beach, a teenager cuts his finger which drips blood onto the chest. This somehow awakens a rotting old pirate who comes back for revenge on those who stole his treasure.  But in true horror movie fashion, he picks some teens who had nothing to do with it but happen to be  on the beach having a bonfire.  After four deaths in the first fifteen minutes, the surviving couple are blamed by the police for the murders of their friends - even though they called the cops themselves and a cutlass killed the kids.

The teens are put in a holding room at the station, but get upset when the cops want their DNA and won't let them make a phone call.  After discovering a locked door behind a large file cabinet and escaping - is that really an appropriate room to hold your  murder suspects? - the teens attempt to find the real killer.

Their idea of a search for the killer is simply going to their high school, accessing the Internet and looking up serial killers.  After the first site they view doesn't have any info on serial killers who dress like pirates, they decide to switch to looking for pirates.

"Here's a gallery. Let's check out these photos."  Ummm, no. Those are illustrations, you idiots.  Oh, that was easy. They've found him!  Yes, they exclaim that the "photo" looks just like our pirate.... uh no it doesn't.  Our Jolly Roger pirate is more reminiscent of that hippy Dr. Teeth from the Muppets.

illustration of dead pirate - killer pirate come back to life - Dr. Teeth

Also might I make a suggestion?  If you're going to have your characters look at web sites that are central to the plot, make sure you actually take the time to upload your made-for-the-movie web pages to the internet.  Either that or don't show the address bar since we can clearly see that all the pages are saved to your desktop.

When the pirate kills a girl in a strip club, the surveillance cameras are the exact same footage as the scenes in the movie - multiple camera angles, editing, zooms, etc - except they're in fuzzy black and white.

So much ridiculousness, so little quality.

Jazz hands

Nice job taping off the murder scene.

A pirate walks into a bar.....

Make sure not to show the address bar for your fake web site
or someone may notice it's saved to your desktop.

How seriously can we take their research when the one web site
on pirates they look at coincidentally contains only one link
and it's for - gasp -  the one pirate that has been killing their friends.

Shiver me timbers, are ye trying to steal me treasure? 

Don't Go in the Woods (2010)

A lame indie band heads into the woods for a weekend of camping and song writing.  They figure if they concentrate on their songs it will help them get a record deal.   As they're heading into the woods, there is a big sign which reads "Don't go in the woods."  Of course, they ignore it.

The lead singer mandates that this weekend will have no drugs, no alcohol, no cell phones and no girlfriends.  They write a crappy song, tell a long drawn out story about the Windigo, and then their girlfriends show up.  After that more singing ensues... and we're done with this one.  If you can get through it, good luck.  We couldn't.

Husk (2011)

A group of college students going away for the weekend crash their car on a deserted road when they are dive bombed by a murder of crows.  When they wake up from the accident, they realize their friend Johnny is gone and assume he went to get help. But as night approaches and he hasn't returned, two others head toward the farmhouse they see in the cornfield.

Once they manage to get to the house, they discover it is deserted.  When a light appears in the upstairs window, they climb the stairs to find Johnny, bloodied and in a trance, making a burlap mask on an old fashioned sewing machine.

When the rest of the group heads through the corn field towards the house, they are attacked by something in the corn.  The scarecrows are kind of creepy and thinking of being attacked while lost in a sea of corn is unnerving.  But overall the film is unsatisfying and the flashbacks don't add much to the story.

Pontypool (2008)

This is a movie I never would have watched based on the name or the dvd cover.  The word Pontypool reminds me of some sort of pool game and the cover is boring.

After being fired, shock jock DJ Grant Mazzy ends up in an isolated small town called Pontypool.  He's not happy to be there and is even less excited about being expected to broadcast reports on such mundane topics as missing cats.

One night during his broadcast, he gets a call from a listener who tells him an angry mob is trying to break into a doctors office.  The stations reporter in the sky (who is really in a small car on a hill overlooking the town) also phones in a report of the mob before having to go on the run and file sporadic reports while hiding from the blood thirsty mob.

A press call from outside the town limits inquires into what is really going on and asks if the town has really been sealed off by the military.  Grant and his crew start trying to get the real story from listeners and discover there is some sort of virus changing people into uncontrollable mobs of killers.  Their only hope is to figure out how the contagion spreads so they can avoid becoming infected.

I really liked this movie, although I was not completely satisfied with the ending.  Unlike many recent movies, I was actually interested in the three main characters and wanted them to survive.  The actors do a fantastic job, the tension builds, and you keep wondering what is happening outside the studio.

He-man and She-Ra Christmas Special (1985)

Honestly I can't remember much about this because I was laughing hysterically.  We may have been overtired as this was the last thing we watched for the night, but oh my god it almost killed us!

All I can remember is that screw up Orko mistakenly goes to Earth, meets two kids, and brings them back to Eternia.  The kids teach everyone about Christmas and Skeletor's heart grows a smidge, he sheds a tear and does something kind.  There are five million new characters brought in every other minute, but it's so ridiculous that you won't care.

The best summation I can think of is here - The Greatest Christmas Story Ever Told

Mask Maker (2010)

What are the odds that we would randomly pick two movies that had the same lead actor which none of us had ever seen before?  Weird.  The guy who plays Evan was also a lead in Kill Katie Malone.

Evan buys an old farmhouse as a surprise for his fiance Jennifer.  At first Jennifer is angry, but when she finds out the house is full of antiques, plus there's the barn, a few out buildings, and forty acres of land which only cost ten thousand dollars, she cheers up.

The house has been abandoned for fifty years, yet there is no dust and everything is in good condition.  Evan's lack of intelligence is apparent as he is not the least bit suspicious of this incredible deal.  Granted, he probably wouldn't think of a psycho killer who may rise from the dead buried on the grounds, but at a minimum he should check to see if the land was used as a toxic waste dumping ground, or there is some sort of smog belching factory about to be built right next to the house.

While in town to buy supplies, the kindly local store owner (played by Micheal Berryman) and drunken helper Mr. Peck are stunned to hear they've purchased the farm.  Peck spouts a warning, which puzzles the couple, but Evan surmises that Peck is just jealous because Evan got such a good deal on the home.  Oh Evan, simple soft headed Evan....

When Peck drops off the supplies at their house, he sees they have removed the stick topped with an  animal skull from the graveyard - oh did I mention there's a small graveyard behind the house?  Peck  literally drops the supplies and peels out of there.  Jennifer wonders why he's so terrified, while Evan's lack of cranial functioning is confirmed when he reiterates Peck is jealous.  Yeah, jealous people always look terrified and run away in a panic.  And I'm sure he couldn't save up the hefty $10K in the fifty years that the property has been empty.  Yup, he's totally jealous.

The movie takes liberties with films like Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Friday the 13th.  We've got an isolated farmhouse, a killer who wears the faces of his victims, and a girl who puts on the clothing of the killers mother in order to save herself.

There is a twist ending which is obvious.  The most ridiculous part of the film is that when the killer  wears their friends faces, they don't notice.  Oh hey buddy, what are you doing out here? Seriously, they can't tell.

Kill Katie Malone (2010)

When three college students see an online auction for an old box which is said to contain a ghost, they make a bid and win it.  After receiving the box, they open it and find a locket.  They decide to make a wish on the ghost to see if it comes true as this will prove the ghost is real.  Since when do ghosts grant wishes?

When their dorm room is trashed by an unseen force, they are convinced that someone snuck into their room to do it.  Their thought process makes no sense since they were in the room at the time, saw things flying, and no one was there.

When people they dislike start dying, they are unable to make the connection to the ghost box even though the trouble started when the box arrived.  Once a possible connection to the box is mentioned, they dismiss it.

There's not a lot that makes sense in this film.  How can they not suspect a connection between the ghost box and the recent killings since only those who've wronged them die?  Why is selling a ghost box the way to get the ghost back inside, and if it is, why do you need to tell the ghost you've sold the box?  Shouldn't the ghost already know? And if you could buy the box from your father, then why couldn't you sell it back to him, thus trapping the ghost after it got out?

Also I have to mention, when the package is delivered, it is left outside the door to their college dorm room.  First of all, there is no way it wouldn't have been stolen.  Second, University's do not deliver to individual rooms. You usually get a notice in your mailbox, then have to pick it up and sign for it.

Dark House (2009)

Claire is plagued by repressed memories from her childhood when she witnessed the murder of seven children at a foster home.  Her therapist tells her the only way to recover is to face her fears by going back to the house.

In her college acting class, Walston Rey shows up and offers each student $300 to act for one night in his new haunted house attraction, which happens to be the sight of the murders.

The class of six joins the four person team who set up the house.  They are assigned roles and given a tour.  The house is rigged with two thousand laser projectors which react via an infrared sensor that can read excitement or fear.  Walston uses "the worlds most advanced hologram transmissions" to fill the house with creatures, mad scientists, zombies, killers and their victims.  So it seems odd that they want five students to play roles since the house is full of hologram creatures.  The holograms look real, appear solid, and can speak.

As is expected, something goes horribly wrong in the run through.  Mainly the spirit of the murderer takes control of the holograms.  Oh lordy, no!  It gets a little confusing at a few points due to Claire's flashbacks, but eventually that is straightened out.  There is a twist ending.  It's an average film and the hologram technology is a bit silly, but Jeffrey Combs is enjoyable as Walston Rey.

Serial Killing 101 (2004)

aka Serial Killing 4 Dummys

Casey hates school but has a crush on Sasha who reads books about serial killers. When he has to write an essay for career class on where he'll be in ten years, Casey writes he'll be a notorious serial killer and decapitate his gym teacher. Nowadays that would get you arrested for that.  But the kids laugh and the teacher gets angry, not because it's a threat, but because he's not taking the assignment seriously.

Sasah, played by Lisa Loeb, decides she'll help him learn how to be a successful killer if she can be his first victim. After studying serial killers, they decide that the most successful ones are very intelligent and blend into society. Casey, whose general appearance, attitude, and clothing peg him as a troublemaker, starts dressing in sweaters and excelling at school.

As the two work out their plan, they find that there may already be a killer in town targeting high school students. Since serial killers have a specific type of victim, Casey decides he must go after a different group.  But his efforts are a failure as he can't kill. Sasha and Casey develop a theory as to who the real killer is, but the killer may have already set his sights on them as the next victims.

While it's not great, it was mildly entertaining.  It's odd to see Lisa Loeb playing a high school student since she was in her thirties. But if I didn't know who she was, I wouldn't have known there was an age difference as she similar in age to Casey. 

Grave Mistake (2008)

When evil stepfather Karl disposes of barrels of chemical waste in a cemetery, zombies start invading a small town in the middle of nowhere.  Karl's step son Alex is at the local garage with mechanic Mike and a few others, including Karl, who decide to try to get to the local Armory.

When Alex's friend turns into a zombie in the car, Mike shots him in the head causing his mother to freak out.  But a few minutes later, she's telling Mike she knew he had to do it.  Shortly after that when they look for weapons in a hardware store, she's joking around with young Alex.

This is seriously a bad movie.  I appreciate that they were able to get it done, as I know the effort it takes to actually pull this off.  But holy moly, the script, acting, and cinematography are not good.

There are CGI kills and blood.  The make up is sketchy as some zombies seem to have black grease paint covering their faces, while others seem nicely done.  Maybe there were several make up artists of varying skill on the film and some got the crap make up artist?

Our hero Mike, who I think they said is a former Navy Seal, is afraid of abusive stepfather Karl.  Monica sees her sons head blown off and minutes later is laughing and play fencing with Alex.  And oddest of all, stepfather Karl, who is physically abusing his son, seems to be tasked with the comic relief as he mugs his way through the film like he's in a Three Stooges short.

The comic stylings of the abusive stepdad

Also if you're trying to convey that zombies have taken over the town by showing a kid walking down the empty street at dusk, make sure your close ups don't contain the tail lights of cars driving by in the background.

Stopping on a deserted highway during a zombie outbreak is the
perfect place to get engaged. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

Mike, the hero... such as it is

Cars driving by the zombie mob outside the garage