The Cavern (2005)

aka Within

A year after their friend dies during an expedition, a group of cavers, with a writer tagging along to do research for his book,  go to a remote area where they plan to explore an uncharted cave.  Since "secrets spread fast in the caving world," they haven't told anyone where they're going because they want to be the first to explore it.

A short way into the cavern, they discover a huge hole in the caves floor which they decide to name Hell Pit.  I misheard this and thought they named it the Elf Pit, which has a totally different connotation.

They rappel into the cavernous hole and begin to explore when one of them disappears.  After back tracking, they discover his body.  When they get to where they rappelled down, they become trapped when the rope and body of the only person left up top tumbles down next to them.

Now these people are supposed to make their living in cave exploration, which I wasn't aware anyone could do.  Yet they flip out and scream in panic at the first sign of trouble.  Granted it's a really bad situation, but you've got to be able to think on your feet if you want to survive unexpected events in a cave.  Especially when you figure out that something is in the cave and it kills people.

Looking into the Elf Pit Hell Pit

The biggest problem with this film is that it is actually like being in a cave, which is unfortunate since we can't see half the movie.  Most of the movie is the cavers squeezing through small passages while their headlamps shine into the camera.  Either that or it's too dark to see.  Also shaking the camera adds nothing to the film except more footage in which you wonder what is happening since you can't tell what the hell is going on.  And why are some shots upside down?  It doesn't help, people!

At a certain point, you think the movie is over... but it continues.  Seriously?  There are so many problems with this.  So we are supposed to believe that the mystery creature that moves boulders bigger than a car, tears men in half with his bare hands, has perfect vision in total darkness, and survives multiple gunshot wounds without a problem is actually just some kid from a plane crash who has a burnt face and wears animal skins?  So our super strong, stealthy, lunatic is a caveman?  Come on!  It's like something right out of Scooby Doo.

When did this kid become a cannibal?  How do all these people end up in or near this uncharted mystery cave?   There are too many people's personal items to be from the plane crash.  How did he move the boulders?  How can he see in the dark?  And what sort of a kid was this?  Was he a sociopath?  It's not like he was three years old and was never socialized.  He was somewhere between 8-12 when he ended up there.  So he how did his isolation turn into a total raving psycho?

Oh and lastly, I'm not sure, but I think at the beginning of the film the group was gathered around a CGI campfire which makes no sense whatsoever since it is cheap and easy to build an actual fire.

Hey, there's too much light in the cave.  Can you take care of that?

Perfect! I can barely see the cavers or the rope.

Bad

Worse

Worst

This shot is confusing even when viewed in context.
It's the soles of boots as a caver rappels into the hole.

Wreckage (2010)

When their car breaks down outside of town after a drag race, two couples walk to the closed junkyard in hope of finding a belt for the car.  But an accidental shooting causes one of the guys to run back to town.  This begs the question, if it's close enough for him to run back to town, why not do that in the first place?

When he returns with the Sheriff, his friends are nowhere to be found.  As with many small town lawmen, they start suspecting it's a prank.  Sigh.

In an intersecting plot line, a serial killer has escaped from jail.  Even though the Sheriff is aware of this, when they find blood which supports the story the kid told, the Sheriff thinks maybe the boyfriend killed his friends.  Seriously? He went to get help and there's a serial killer on the loose.  Why are small town sheriff's so stupid?

There's a lot of fussing and running around in the junkyard while the bodies start piling up.  Scoot McNairy plays Frank, the nephew of the junkyard owner.  He comes out chewing the scenery and really irritated the hell out of us with the over the top lame hick routine.  But soon, we found ourselves laughing in spite of ourselves, at his comic delivery.  We ended up thinking he was the best thing about this film.

Dragon Crusaders (2011)

Templar Knights rescue a town which is being attacked by pirates and discover the pirates have kidnapped one of the women.  The pirates boat appears to be deserted and they complete their rescue.

However the woman has cursed the boat. Whoever boards the vessel that has spilled blood will turn into a gargoyle.  The amount of time it takes to turn depends on how good or evil the man.  This is why there were no pirates on board as they all turned immediately into gargoyles.

The woman got the spell from a book she stole from the Black Dragon Sorcerer.  The Knights, who wish to be released from the spell, give search for the sorcerer.  They can also be released by killing the woman, but since they are honorable Knights that's not an option... for most of them.

Surprisingly the Knights are not twenty something hunks, but  middle aged or older.

Watch for the continuity error when the large Knight with the Moe haircut is left behind to guard the girl, and is then seen walking into the village with the rest of the Knights.

Also check out the rope (is that nylon?) they use to get up to the cage hung from the ceiling.  Even more ridiculous, when swinging down from the cage, they cut the rope at the top!?!  This should cause a Don Martin-Mad Magazine type Splat into the cave floor since that means it's only attached to the floor now.  But nope, she swung down just fine.

All the characters reminded us of other actors or tv characters. We tagged them as Bjork, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Seth McFarland, Moe, Robert Plant (with black hair) or Sir John Gielgud (with black hair).  It's an Asylum movie which means it can be tedious.  Who'd have thought dragons could be tedious?  Also there aren't that many dragons in it.

Payback (2012)

Julian borrows equipment from classmate Quinn, who has a part time job at the local television station.  Julian is making a movie for class about Harlan Diehl, who killed his whole family before being gunned down by police.

After discovering there were local news stories about the murders, Julian asks Quinn to look for file footage that he could use in his film.  When Quinn views the raw footage, he is possessed by the spirit of Harlan.  Quinn's make up is nice, especially the fingernails.  He resembles a young Dolph Lundren which is distracting.

In a subplot, Quinn is also working for a policeman who likes young girls. The cop pays him to install cameras in the school locker room as well as the girls bedrooms. This is the creepiest thing about the film.

Julian is the worst researcher ever.  Even though the murders happened in town, he doesn't know where the murder house is, and can't figure out that the news anchor who did the story has retired.

He comes up with the brilliant idea to re-shoot the story in the murder house.  This would be questionable just as a matter of principal, but since Quinn is possessed it's certain to end badly.  It also ends lamely  

Prowl (2010)

Amber decides to move to the big city as she sick of living in a small town.  She and a group of friends decides to treat this as a road trip but their car breaks down.

They flag down a trucker and convince to give them a ride.  Bad move, kids. Don't you know you should never accept rides from strangers, even if you procure them?

There's only room for one up front, so the rest get in the back of his truck, and by truck I mean big rig.  In other words, they are locked inside the back of an 18 wheeler.  Oh no, this won't do.

They spend their time partying, but eventually realize that they are heading the wrong way. They frantically try to get the trucker to stop.  He won't.  Panicked, they start looking through the cargo and find it's blood.

Eventually the truck stops at an abandoned warehouse in the middle of nowhere.  The back door is unlocked and the group step out into the warehouse to find creatures right out of 30 Days of Night.  Will they survive? Will they escape?  Will you care?

The Hunters (2011)

Here is the description I saw for the movie: "Before parting ways after high school, six friends venture into a forbidden part of town and explore what they think is an abandoned fort.  But the adventure soon turns bloody, and the kids realize they're trapped in a nightmare of the goriest sort."

The only accurate part of that statement is that there is an abandoned fort in the film.  So where did this summary come from?  Was there a totally different plot that was scrapped and they forgot to change the text?  Or did the person who wrote it never even see a trailer or know anything about this movie?

Onward to the hunters who are beaten down in their everyday lives and only feel good when hunting.  They bond over their excursions, which they keep secret.

In another arm of the plot, we have a detective who is new on the force.  He has a theory about the recent rash of disappearances in the area.  When he broaches this subject with the Chief, who is an a-hole, the chief tells him to shut up.

The detective is assigned to meet with a crucial witness and told not to go anywhere near the old fort.  However there is a glitch in the plans and he ends up meeting the witness at the fort.  There are a few people inside, and there are also some hunters, which is odd since it's a park.  As you would suspect, these hunters are evil, evil I tell you!!!  And the detective ends up in a fight for his life.

There is also a subplot about the detective and a girl, who we see on the cover, but she is only briefly in the film.  You could have removed her entirely and it wouldn't make a difference.

Camp Hell (2010)

Tommy's parents send him to a Christian summer camp.  At this isolated camp deep in the woods, the counselors indoctrinate the teenaged campers with the view that everything fun is evil.

Putting teens with raging hormones in an overnight camp up in the woods means you're going to have fraternization, and where there's fraternizing, there's Christian guilt.  Tommy and a girl he likes meet in the woods at night, which causes conflicting feelings since he's being bludgeoned over the head that what he's doing is a sin.

The cover features Jesse Eisenberg who only has a cameo in the film and isn't even essential to the plot.  Also the film is nothing like the trailer which portrays it as a spooky story with demons.  The footage is taken totally out of context.  The movie has been marketed as a horror movie, but there's hardly anything spooky in it.

Hall Monitor (1999)

High school incidents have dropped fifty percent since installing a hall monitor.  That's because Dan is essentially Dirty Harry.  He's got the voice, suit, sunglasses, hair, sideburns and gun.

A voch-tech kid decides to infiltrate the regular class area of the school as he is unaware of the new enforcement.  Consequently after being caught without a pass, the kid is shot in the leg while trying to escape.

This starts a feud between the voch-tech kids and Dan. The popular girl in school tries to date Dan and high school news reporters pop up once in awhile in search of s story.

Then someone starts killing the football players and a political struggle in the administration relieves the hall monitor of his gun.  At this point everything goes to hell in the school.

The description of a gun toting hall monitor sounds pretty good, but it's not used effectively for comedic purposes or for violence.  Ultimately it's a good idea which is never realized.

Storm Trooper (1998)

After years of abuse, Grace kills her husband.  Shortly afterwards a bloody injured man shows up in her yard.  She administers first aid and tends to his injuries.  When she questions him, she finds he has amnesia.

After his memory returns, she learns his name is Stack.  He is an  escapee from a military installation.  A clean up squad has been dispatched to get rid of him.

When the hit squad arrives, they pepper the house with a hail of bullets.  When Stark is hit, they discover he is a cyborg.

First time I saw this, I thought it was kind of funny, unintentionally.  But I just watched it again and it's nothing special.  Corey Feldman wears an eye patch and Ross Hagan makes a quick appearance as a trucker.

Demolition University (1999)

A group of terrorists seize control of a hydro electric plant, kidnap the employees and demand money and safe passage in exchange for their safety.  The terrorists plan to poison the town's water supply and blow up the plant.

Unbeknown to them, a college physics class is on it's way to the plant for a field trip.  Corey Haim is football player Slater who ends up on the class bus after hiding from teammates that are chasing him.

The terrorists decide to let the class into the bulding to gain more leverage in their negotiations.  The teacher leaves Slater on the bus because he's not part of the class.  While outside, he spies the terrorists, sneaks into the plant to rescue a girl he has a crush on, and try to outwit the terrorists.  Problem - it's boring.

The witty reparte is so forced, it's painful.  Plus often it makes no sense.  The van has lots of padding to hold lethal liquid in beaker but they don't bring the padding in when they steal the liquid so  people die.  Also the students use the bad guys phone and don't realize they've called the terrorists, not the FBI.  Seriously?  Dialing 911 does not get you the FBI.  College students should know that.

Please note that Corey Haim in the movie does not look anything like he does on the cover.  He's at least ten years older, hair shaved close to the head, and has some extra weight.

Born to Raise Hell (2010)

Bobby Samuels works for a drug task force in Romania.  Before a mission one of his team members states, "Hey I'm going to be a father!"  As in most action flicks, this is code for "I'm going to die on this mission."  Such is the case and Samuels vows revenge on the drug lords and gangs who were involved.

As Seagal gets older and larger, the attractiveness of his love interest decreases.  When a woman was waiting for him at home, I wasn't sure if it was his wife or daughter.  Then she got naked and I prayed it was his wife.  There was a slow motion love scene with the naked woman and a fully clothed Seagal.  This was just plain weird, although I'm not complaining about the fully clothed part.

There are continuity issues in the villain fight where the face is bloody, then it's not.

Pistol Whipped (2008)

Matt, formerly an elite cop, is a lovable alcoholic with a preteen daughter who he neglects due to his excessive drinking problem.  When her step dad brings her over for the weekend, Matt often refuses to take her because he's too drunk.  Matt gets along well with the step dad who tries to protect the girl from her fathers alcoholism.

Matt also has a gambling problem, which a mystery man offers to clear for him if he'll help with some unfinished business which turns out to be killing the biggest scumbags in town.

Seagals films are so hit and miss nowadays, that it's nice to see one that is actually like a real movie.  There's a story to it, and although it's convoluted and contrived, it's still more of a story than many of his recent films.

Seagal has never been known for being subtle, but when it's revealed that the awesome step dad may not be so awesome, it's so heavy handed that they may as well have showed him lighting babies on fire as we couldn't hate him more.

There are continuity issues where Seagal is wearing sunglasses, then they're gone, then repeat.  Or maybe that was in the last Seagal film we watched right before this one.  Either way, there is a Seagal stand in who is obviously not Seagal in the shots from behind.

Lance Henricksen elevates the cast to a higher level because he's awesome.  And get a load of that excessively photoshopped face of Seagals on the cover. Yikes!

Assassination Games (2011)

Jean-Claude Van Damme is Vincent, a cold as ice assassin who has a secret luxury apartment hidden behind a wall in his tenement apartment.  When an abusive man and his girlfriend move in next door, tough as nails career hitman Vincent lets the girl stay in his place after rescuing her from a beating and finding she's locked out of her own place.

Vincent admonishes her not to touch anything and stay on the couch. But unfortunately our professional assassin forgot to close the door to his secret lair (palm smack to skull) and comes home to find her asleep in his  luxury bedding.  Instead of protecting his secret life, his heart melts as she teaches him how to pet his turtle, (that's not a euphemism).

On the other side of town, retired best assassin ever Roland cares for his comatose wife who was sexually assaulted and punched into oblivion by a drug kingpin who is due to be released from prison.

When Vincent, who has a contract to eliminate the drug lord, and Roland who is out for revenge, both blow the kill, they team up to complete the hit.

While Vincent spends the movie looking sad and walking through doors, Roland spends his time staring blankly at his brain dead wife (in what is supposed to be a display of emotion).

The concept is good and there's potential, but it falls flat as it's fairly boring.  How can it be boring when it is about two assassins and a hit?  Good question.

Arena (1989)

Aliens have arena fights on an intergalactic space station to determine who is champion.  No human has fought or been champion in fifty years.  But young blond Steve Armstrong decides he wants to fight.  After beating up a fighter and training with a coach, he becomes a contender for the championship.

But the fighting world is full of villains and there are nefarious goings on which threaten Steve's match.  One of those things includes the night before the fight when Steve is seduced by the evil guys girlfriend.  Steve is an idiot. He shacks up with the girl and drinks a lot, not a good move, but especially bad since the wine has been poisoned.

It's not a movie you'll need a brain for, but if you like 80s space movies (which look ridiculous by today's standards) then it's kind of fun.

Witchery (1988)

The dvd said Witchery, but the title in the movie said Witchcraft.  So who knows what title you'll find this under.  Apparently it's also available as Evil Encounters, Ghosthouse 2, or La Casa 4.  Usually the more titles a movie is sold under, the worse you are for seeing it. So be warned.

Gary (David Hasselhoff) is a photographer and his girlfriend Linda is a virgin obsessed with the study of witchcraft.  They are staying on an island in an abandoned hotel while Gary photographs it and Linda translates an old German text on witchcraft.

Things are going swell until a real estate agent shows up with a family who is thinking of purchasing the property.  Gary and Linda unsuccessfully try to hide because they do not have permission to be there.

As Mom and Dad talk to the agent, pregnant daughter Jane (Linda Blair) and son Tommy head upstairs and see a creepy old lady.  The lady in black (why are they always either in white or black?) is the spirit of an old movie actress who used to live there.  The spirit kills the captain who brought them over and his boat disappears from the dock, stranding them on the island.

When the supernatural starts getting more violent and the killing starts, the group tries to figure out how to get off the island.  Leslie starts talking as if she's on quaaludes, Jane ends up with crazy Robert Smith hair, and a kids tape recorder plays into denouement where history repeats itself in an endless cycle of ridiculousness.

Curse of the Wolf (2006)

Dakota is a werewolf who works at a vets office and uses medicine stolen from work to keep her lycanthropy at bay.  But her wolf pack doesn't want to let her leave.  When they can't locate her, the werewolves mind meld with random dogs on the street to find her. Yeah.....

After Dakota and a friend are attacked, she forms an alliance with a night club owner, played by wrestler Lanny Poffo. Since he's  involved in criminal activity, he has lots of firepower and goons at his disposal to fight the pack.

The worst thing about the movie is that it's boring as hell.  The acting is equivalent to someone in a high school play and a fat guy in a werewolf mask is not so much scary as ridiculous.  There are many issues with the continuity.  Also I'm curious what sort of dog medication can keep her from turning into a wolf.

13 Hours in a Warehouse (2008)

Five guys pull off a heist, but when they exit with the loot, their getaway car has been stolen.  Seriously guys, you didn't leave anyone in the car?  So they resort to a carjacking and take a hostage.

Not a good start, but what makes this more ridiculous is that they say if they didn't take her car, then it would have been the lady behind her.  So... there was a witness.  Why add kidnapping to your robbery?  Now you've got a hostage who knows your faces, names, location of hideout, and plans for the future.

A buyer for the merchandise is meeting them the next morning. So we get a lot of footage of the robbers killing time, sitting around a fire in an oil can, talking, drinking, and listening to music.  As the night goes on, they start to hear strange noises and things start happening.  They discover someone has released the hostage.  Also the warehouse used to be used for snuff films and now something is coming back for revenge.

There are so many problems with this, but one is that our hostage is a random stranger.  We have no idea who she is so there is no emotional investment in her well being.  If you're not rooting for the hostage, there's no tension.  At first I thought she was the woman at the store they robbed, but she was some random woman in a car.

Terrible, but not the worst thing I've ever seen.  The cover is better than the movie, which seems to be a trend nowadays.  The biggest question of the film is where did the ghost get little tables and chairs for the rats?

School Killer (2001)

A group of friends decide to spend the weekend at an abandoned high school where five students were murdered twenty seven years ago.  As soon as they arrive strange things start to happen.  The front door slams shut behind them even though there is no wind.  Lights are seen in another part of the building even though there is no electricity. Music is heard and silhouettes are seen dancing in the windows.  Also the cover to the well is found open after it was closed.

When the group splits up to explore, one girl goes off alone and disappears, only to be found murdered in the other side of the building.  When the group panics, Ramon reveals that he has a reason for the trip which is unknown to the others, and which should get him a severe beating.

There is a lengthy flashback which covers the earlier murders.  It also answers the question if you run in terror out of an abandoned high school but your jeep wont' start and the tires have been slashed, should you blow it off and opt to go back into the abandoned creepy old high school?  No... no you shouldn't.

The film is subtitled. It's okay. Some parts are creepy, but the characters do some really stupid things, which I guess is requisite for horror movies.  The most noteworthy thing is Paul Naschy is in it.

Descendants (2008)

In a post apocalyptic world where man has decimated the Earth, breathing the air turns people into zombies.  The populace only ventures out in gas masks.  But a small number of children born with marks on their necks are immune to the effects of the air.  They can go outside without being encumbered by masks.  They are also safe from the infected as zombies do not attack them.

Camille, one of those born with the neck marks, promises her mother she'll travel to the coast to find safety where the great octopus is... wait, what?  Did I hear that right? Yup, she said octopus.

Camille is entrusted with the care of two younger children just like her.  The three travel towards the coast, meet other kids, and try to keep from being killed by the military who are killing kids outside who can breathe the air.

Again, another zombie story with potential which doesn't pan out.  Numerous flashbacks to Camile and her mother, men in hazmat suits, and carnage provide the back story.  Much of the footage with her mother is extremely annoying due to the mother's screeching.

The cover is extremely misleading as there is nothing even remotely like this in the movie.

Exit Humanity (2011)

During the Civil War, Confederate soldier Edward Young sees dead soldiers come back to life.  Six years later after a hunting trip, he returns home to find his wife is a zombie and his son is missing.

After dispatching of his wife, Edward goes to search for his son.  Things do not turn as you'd hope and Edward sets out on a quest to bring his son to a waterfall he'd promised they'd visit.  A diary of his travels narrated by a current day relative entrusted with the tome provides the story.

Edward's quest brings him into contact with Isaac, who requests his help to free his sister Emma, who has been captured by renegade soldiers led by General Williams.  The renegades are trying to find a pure blood to fight the zombie infection.  Emma appears to be immune as she's been bitten but shows none of the after effects.

While the film is ambitious, it clocks in at almost two hours which is unfortunate as it would have been better as a short film.  Instead this low budget movie offers good make up and is well shot for the budget, but ultimately it's overly long and couldn't hold my attention.  I found the dialogue to be fairly boring. It's not that I need constant action to be amused, but give me something.  Good execution, but boring.  

Dark Woods (2003)

Twenty years ago Camp Vernon shut it's doors after a series of murders.  Now someone has decided to reopen the camp and the counselors are working to get everything set up before the kids arrive.

When several counselors stop in town, they receive a warning.  Then a crazy vet shows up in the camp bathroom wielding a huge knife and screaming that they "won't last the night."  You'd think they'd call the cops, but Pam, the cook, knows old crazy is just a mixed up war vet from town.

But what Pam and the staff don't know is there's a killer wearing  fatigues and a hockey mask running around the woods.  The back story makes it obvious who the killer is, but the confusing part is that he appears to be twenty years younger than Pam which wouldn't work since he was in Vietnam.

Also annoying is that there is so much ambient noise and background noise that it often drowns out the dialogue. I guess in one way that's not such a big loss, but it's still annoying.

There are issues with plot conveniences, such as the boyfriend who can't get hold of his girlfriend by phone so he goes to look for her.  He spies a random SUV by the side of the road, pulls over to check it out - why?  She had accepted a ride in it, but did he pull over and check every car he saw parked on the way to the camp?  Why that one? Oh yes, convenient to the plot.

Yet another film that asks the question, why do killers target the innocent who had nothing to do with their own traumatic experiences?

2012: Zombie Apocalypse (2011)

After a virus wipes out most of the population by turning them into zombies, several small groups of survivors travel to California where they've heard there is refuge on Catalina Island.

If I'd never seen a good zombie movie, and had only seen crappy poorly written low budget stuff, this would be a lot better.  But since I have seen good zombies movies, it's just sort of myeh.

Sometimes it's boring and the use of CGI blood for the zombie attacks is distracting.  There is some good make up and I must say it's the only movie I can think of where there is a zombie tiger.

High Lane (2009)

aka Vertige

A group of friends decide to go climbing, but the location they choose is closed due to dangerous conditions, among them rockslides and a trail that needs repair.  All are seasoned climbers except for one who is included as he's a new boyfriend.  Not a good idea to bring him on this trip because not only is he inexperienced, he seems to be afraid of heights.

As the group heads further along the trail, they encounter trickier obstacles which are not where a new climber should be going.  When a rope bridge collapses, they are cut off from retracing their steps and must continue on in hopes of completing the more difficult climbing route and long trek back to the car.

Two of the more experienced climbers go ahead to scout the easiest route through the trees and one ends up in a bear trap.  Well that's odd a bear trap neare a hiking trail.  What would anyone be hunting in this area?  Could it be a backwoods killer with a taste for hunting humans?  Of course it is. Who else would be up here other than some mentally challenged lunatic who hates society and everyone who is young and free?

Continuity is challenged when Karine is going through the woods with a head lamp.  She takes it off, then it's back, and then it's gone again.

Snow Beast (2011)

Scientists head to an isolated mountain cabin on a yearly trip to track an endangered species.  Jim brings his cranky teenage daughter Emmy who would rather be hanging out with her friends.  The group is confused as they don't see any sign of the animals from last year.

There have been some disappearances in the area.  The rangers are hanging missing persons posters.  One of them  mapped out where the people disappeared. He suspects there is more going on than they think as there is a pattern to the disappearances.

The other ranger scoffs theorizing that the missing snowboarder probably ran off to France to get away from his girlfriend.  Yeah, because that is so cliche.  I'm so sick of all the kids running off to France.

With their trail cameras, the scientists catch some shots of what appears to be a Yeti.  Since one of them fell into the Yeti cave, and they discovered dead bodies in there, they think it would be best to leave.

But greed and notoriety are rampant in the science world as it is everywhere.  One of the other scientists doesn't want someone else getting rich off their discovery.  Why not get proof of the beast so they can have their deserved fame and fortune?    Um, don't you already have proof from the cameras in the woods?  And why aren't you thinking about getting help so no one else is mauled by a Yeti?.

The problem with this type of movie is that people tend to have no frame of reference or knowledge of pop culture and creatures of legend.  In real life, I would expect one of them to say, "I know this sounds crazy, but that looks like a Yeti!"  Instead we get an argument over whether or not it's a bear.  Later  one mentions Yeti's,  but it's still considered ridiculous.

I was hoping this would be a remake of the 1970s Snowbeast movie starring Bo Svenson.  Like that era's horror films, it's a guy in a Yeti suit.  I wouldn't have minded except they made the chest area black so it looks like he's wearing a bra.  The movie is similar in production values and storyline to something you'd see on the Syfy channel.

The Terror Within (1989)

After "the accident", a small group of survivors living in an underground complex run low on supplies.  When the scouting team screams "Gargoyles!" over the radio and doesn't return, another team is sent to look for them.

The second team discovers the first team dead, as well as numerous bodies near a cave where they appear to have taken up residence.  They also find a lone female survivor in a state of fear trying to escape the gargoyles that are chasing her.

When they get her back to the base, the doctor examines her and discovers she's three months pregnant.  The next day her pregnancy appears to be at seven or eight months. Uh oh, that's not good.

They decide the baby must be terminated and set about operating on her.  Out pops a Gargoyle baby who quickly runs off into the  air vent.  Damn it!  Why aren't people more careful to lock their air vents?!  Don't they know that's the first place monsters hide to  have the run of the ship.

Soon the whole crew is fighting the gargoyle in the complex.  They construct flame throwers, laser blasters, and use a bow and arrow.  But when the terror strikes, all they can do is scream and neglect to fire their weapons.  Shame on you, Roger Corman!  Actually, it's not that bad. It's not good, but it's kind of fun in a stupid 1980s movie way.

Inkubus (2011)

Joey Fatone (NSync) is a cop.  Robert Englund is the Inkubus.  William Forsythe is a cop brought out of retirement.  And a twitchy Jonathan Silverman wishes he were in a movie where he wasn't playing second fiddle to Joey Fatone.

A skeleton crew at a police station that will soon be shut down are questioning a kid covered in his girlfriends blood.  He claims a stranger just showed up in his room and decapitated his girlfriend.  The police don't believe him - not until the killer shows up in the interrogation room holding the severed head.

Sounds exciting?  Well it's not.  It moves at a snails pace and the police don't seem all that good at their jobs.  I wanted to like this as Robert Englund and William Forsythe have done some cool films.  But we were so bored that we shut it off half way through the movie.

Alien Opponent (2010)

When an alien ship crashes in a junkyard shortly after the murder of the owner, his wife and his mother-in-law (who killed him) decide to pin the killing on the alien.  Then they realize they can't collect their big inheritance without a body, which is in the junkyard with the alien.

They go on tv to offer a $100,000 reward to whoever can retrieve the body and kill the alien.  Tons of idiots show up the next day in hopes of getting rich quick.  The alien does not take kindly to a mass of idiots trying to kill him as he just wants to be left alone to  repair his ship.

There are a few characters that are briefly introduced to us before the carnage starts, but mostly it's just people streaming in and out of the story line.  The most enjoyable one is Roddy Piper who  plays a priest that teams up with a couple other reward seekers.

There are some funny moments in the film, and the requisite back stabbers who manipulate, start rumors, and cause general distrust among the competitors to ensure that will be the ones to get the money.

Curse of the Headless Horseman (1972)

After Mark's uncle dies in an accident, he brings his hippie friends to the Wild West town he's inherited.  The narrator informs us that Mark must make the ranch, i.e. ghost town, profitable within six months or ownership will revert to the creepy caretaker Solomon who lives on the property.

Mark and his friends fix up the town and put together a show for tourists, while creepy Solomon warns them about a man on a horse who rides through town looking for a head.  Mark ignores this talk, but makes sure to keep on all the gunfighters who worked for his Uncle so that they can entertain the tourists.

The film has lots of padding.  There is a long sequence in the theater where most of the group sits in the audience while they take turns heading up on stage to sing songs, do yo-yo tricks, and perform improv comedy.  If this is an indication of what the tourists are going to see, they're going to be very disappointed.

There's a whole lot of talk about nothing and the first kill doesn't happen until fifty minutes into the film.  The foley is questionable, especially when a girl hit by a truck on a dirt road sounds like it's a car on cobblestones.  Watch for the adult female tourist carrying the Superman lunchbox.   This was done by the same guy who did Carnival of Blood.

Ridiculous dialogue:

"It's a super generation gap."

"Try as he could to save her life, he could only fail."

"All these people have been splattered with real blood?  Who but a doctor would have access to that much blood?"

Carnival of Blood (1970)

Newly promoted Assistant District Attorney Dan takes his fiance Cathy to Coney Island on what is supposed to be a date, but turns out to be an investigation into a recent series of murders.  Cathy is not impressed, but who would be since trying to track down a serial killer isn't what a newly engaged woman wants to do on a date with the man of her dreams.

Cathy's neighbor Tom runs a booth at the park.  His assistant Gimpy, played but Burt Young of Rocky fame, covers the booth when Tom needs to run errands.

Suspicion for the killings is thrown onto several characters:  Dan is a little too intense; Gimpy is weird and antagonistic; and Tom can be super crazy scary when he's angry.

The victims are all females who are irritating, rude and nasty.  In fact there is only one woman in the whole film who is nice.  I'm not sure if that's the filmmakers view of women as a whole, or it was just a convenient way to make us okay with their deaths.  I usually don't even think about that, but this was so blatant that I did wonder if the writer hated women.

Overall the film has the feel of a Ray Dennis Steckler movie.  There's lots of padding and pointless conversations.  That being said, I find Stecklers movies to be oddly charming, although this film tends to border on tedious at times.  But I guess the same could be said of Steckler's films.

The thing I enjoyed the most was the footage of Coney Island from the late 1960s.

Starcrash (1978)

David Hasselhoff, Marjoe Gortner, and Carolyn Munro star in this outer space ripoff of Star Wars.  Hasselhoff is Prince Simon who is stranded on a planet after a spaceship crash.  Gortner is Akton... well I'm still not sure if he's part robot or what's going on there as he can play with electricity in his hand.  Munro is Stella Star, a Han Solo type of character, who wears tiny little costumes no matter where she goes.  And Christopher Plummer.... wait, how did he end up in this mess?

Evil bad guy Count Zarth Arn plans to take over the universe while Munro and Akton try to stop him while looking for Simon, the lost son of the Emperor (Plummer).

There are robots, bouncing cavemen, special effects right out of Mystery Science Theater, an Emperor who can stop the flow of time, a bad guy who chews the scenery, a doomsday device, and lots of laughs.  While there are times that the film slows down, the next ridiculous thing will be along soon, such as Stella working in the mines wearing a bikini.  Yes, she's the only one in the mining prison colony who wears a bikini instead of a loose drab outfit.  Ridiculous!

The Key (2008)

A group of friends help buddy Dylan with his documentary and spend the weekend at an abandoned building rumored to be haunted.  But Dylan has a hidden agenda. His grandfather was a Freemason who told him stories of a treasure located within the building.

Dylan has surreptitiously chosen this site to film because he wants his friends to help him find the long lost treasure hidden there.   I guess Dylan figures he can cover more ground with a group since the building is huge.  But as he hasn't told any of them about the treasure, it's not like anyone is actually looking for it.

His plan changes when three friends in a love triangle start fighting and one decides to leave.  In order to get him to stay, Dylan finally tells them all why he invited them for the weekend.  There's also a curse, but he's not all that concerned with mentioning it.

And so begins a completely nonsensical scene where Dylan remembers that his grandfather left him a key hidden in a book.  How could he forget?  It's a key to the treasure and that's why they're there.  The key reminds one of the girls about a creepy door she saw while exploring. She insists this must be the door the key goes to.... because it's just so creepy and all.

When they arrive at the door - which you'd assume must be incredibly creepy since she made note of it before she was told there was any evil afoot - we discover that it looks like every other door in the building.  Even more puzzling is why they believe the key is for this door since it isn't locked.

A normal door that is not creepy in any way...

...and the incredibly creepy door to nowhere.

It's also odd that they refer to it as a door to nowhere.  When they open the door, you can see the slant of a ceiling and possibly a sink.   To make matters more ridiculous, since they didn't need the key to open it, they decide the key must be intended to lock the door.  What the.....???   Wouldn't you look for a different door that was locked?  Why would you even think of that?  No reason other than to advance the plot since they need some way to release the demon.

And speaking of releasing the demon, you'd think that means we actually get to see a demon.  Ah but your standards are too high, my friend. What we get instead are actors pretending to be choked or flinging themselves around the room.  It's something right out of a 1960s Star Trek episode.  In fact, the demon isn't visible until literally the last three minutes of the film and then it's just some doofus in a monks robe. Good god, the terror!

Oh my god! I'm being choked by an invisible demon

The picture often seems to be slightly out of focus and there is uneven mixing on the sound.  One character might be too soft to hear while the other is at a good volume.  The film gets really crappy looking after they open the demon closet.  I'm not sure whether it represents the change in the atmosphere due to the demon or if it's just bad movie making.  Well it's bad either way since the focus isn't consistent and the lighting is terrible.  If this was intentional, then that makes it worse.

Pre-demon lighting

Post-demon lighting

Other things that don't work for the film?  The first kill is fifty minutes into it.  The opening credits list D-Rizzle as one of the actors. He also does music for the film, including the song over the end credits which is a rap tune called "Take a Shit".   Seriously?  Not only is it a stupid thing to write a song about, but it's even stupider to use it over the credits of your movie.  Also the DVD has no menu or chapters and doesn't even autoplay when you pop it in.  And that dvd cover?  Yeah, there's nothing like that in the film.

The funniest thing is I kept wondering why Justin looked familiar.  When he lost his hat, I realized he reminded me of a cross between Shaggy and Velma from Scooby Doo.  Right after that thought occurred, he got into a fight and lost his glasses.  Oh Shaggy Velma... what will we do with you?

It's Shaggy and he's wearing Velma's glasses.

None of the screen shots have been altered.  The odd colors and soft focus are how the film actually looks.

Does this shot mean someone is peering between the books and watching them?  No.

Should the characters hair blend into the darkness? No.

Should you randomly roll paint on the wall to imply abandonment? No.

Should you wear pearls to explore an abandoned building? No.

Can our characters escape a locked glass door? No.

Can your ample bazooms stop the walls from closing in? No.

Not of This Earth (1988)

Nadine is hired to be a live in nurse for Mr. Johnson, who has some sort of ailment that requires regular blood transfusions.  Johnson, a secretive man who always wears sunglasses, is an alien scout trying to determine if Earth is a good planet to take over.  He picks up hookers and sends their blood - or tries to send their bodies - back to his planet.  The aliens need blood to survive, hence his constant transfusions.

The opening credits include all sorts of monsters and death scenes that are not in the film, so don't get too excited.  It's just a jumble of scenes from other Roger Corman movies.  Traci Lords stars as the nurse and was better than I expected.

Blood Moon (1989)

Students start mysteriously disappearing from a private girls school and neighboring boys school.  When a teenage couple sneak away to the woods one  night for some extracurricular activities, a killer with a barbed wire noose chokes them and gouges their eyes out. Yuck!  The thought of a barbed wire noose is horrible.

After the quick kills at the beginning of the movie, the film veers off into a teen comedy plot line where the townies are being harassed by the rich prep kids.  The rivalry culminates at a weekend dance when the preps are humiliated by being sprayed with a water canon.

There is also  a romance between a townie and a rich girl, following stereotypical plot lines where they  sneak around because they're dating outside their class, before going back into the slasher part of the film.

The band at the dance is called Vice. They sing a song called Blood Moon which has a ballad style verse but then kicks in at the chorus.  It contains the lyrics:

Love is the messenger
And death is his rage
Blood moon a-rising

The Howling Reborn (2011)

Combine Twilight, The Howling, and a lead who looks like Daniel Radcliffe, and you've got The Howling Reborn.  High school loser Will pines for popular girl Eliana, who is dating cool kid Roland.  Roland doesn't like Will looking at his girl, so he beats Will up and threatens worse if Will's attention continues.

Eliana becomes interested in Will due to his creepy semi-stalker obsession with her and invites him to a party.  While there, he gets drugged and starts to feel as if he is being chased by a growling creature  which he fears is a werewolf.

After the party, Roland tracks down Will to administer another beating.  But Will's tired of being pushed around and finds he has some sort of superhuman strength.  After Roland is beaten up and left bleeding, he pulls a gun and chases Will, only to be pushed to his death.  Will starts wondering he if is a werewolf.

There's lots of teen angst leading up to graduation.  Then on graduation night, (yes the class is graduating at night), Will's mother - who he'd been told died when he was born - shows up.  As his mother tries to indoctrinate Will into her new life, the school becomes a blood bath while the graduation ceremony takes place outside.

There is no tie in to previous Howling movies.  It's purpose appears to be to revitalize the franchise by giving the werewolf story a Twilight spin.  It's not so much a horror movie as a teen movie.  There are voice overs by Will with super deep comments that teens will identify with, but adults will find trite.