Tales from the Hood 2 (2018)

A horror anthology with a wrap around story about a rich,  white, racist, sexist, jerk named Dumass Beach who invents the Robo-Patriot - a robot that can police the populace and hand down sentences to those who commit crimes.  Beach hires Portifoy Simms to tell the robot stories about human behavior. Then the robot can use these tales to build a profile of unacceptable behavior and punish those who go past that line.

Here is a synopsis of each tale:

Good Golly - Two college friends, one white and one black, go to a museum of racist artifacts where they see a doll called a golliwog.  The white girl has a collection of the dolls and doesn't see them as racist since they were part of her childhood. After failing to get the proprietor to sell it to her, she comes back after dark to break in and steal it. Things go horribly wrong.

The Medium - After thugs accidentally kill a pimp while attempting to find out where he keeps his money, they kidnap a famous psychic in an effort to contact the pimp in the afterlife. As you can imagine, thing go horribly wrong.

Date Night - Two clean cut date rapists use a dating app to find two females and then roofie them while at the women's house. Thankfully things go horribly wrong.

The Sacrifice - a black politician is subservient to a white politician and is not true to himself in a bid to get more power.  His pregnant white wife keeps seeing a boy who she says wants to take their baby. The real story of Emmett Till is part of this morality play, and other tragic real deaths are referenced to hit home the point.

I'm not sure how it would affect anyone if they are not familiar with Emmett Till. But if you are familiar with history, then this story will suck the air out of the room. There were three of us watching the movie and when it ended, we were all silent and depressed. So if they were trying to make an impact, point accomplished. I'm just not sure if will impact those who don't know that Emmett Till was a real person who was brutally murdered. Also many people watch horror movies as a fun escape which this segment is not.

Keith David is awesome, as he is in almost everything. He's a lot of fun to watch. And of course you know that Beach is going to get what's coming to him, since he has no redeemable qualities.

One thing that drove us all nuts was that in Date Night, you actually have to watch four people play two rounds of Cards Against Humanity. This is annoying on it's own because who wants to watch someone play cards? But even more so because they keep track of who plays which card. That's not how you play it, people.


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Ghostwitch (2015)

When Nerd Zeke and his computer go to a cool kids pool party, they get thrown in the pool.  Zeke is rescued by Mattie, sister of the parties host. Since his computer is ruined, she offers him her computer and they discover they both are interested in the paranormal.

Zeke is part of a paranormal group called G.H.O.S.T. (we're never filled in on what this stands for). Mattie asks if he'll investigate an old house her family owns. She had an experience there as a child and there are legends that it is haunted.

Zeke, Mattie, and the team arrive at the home and find there is no dust or cobwebs, and the floors are super clean. It looks like someone lives there but nope, it's abandoned.

The characters do things that make no sense.  When their friend disappears, they wonder if they should call the police but decide not to because they don't want to call the locals attention to the house.  But they'd already been to the local diner and asked the waitress about the legend and the house. When she warned them about it, they scoffed at her. So yeah, the locals are already on to you, and they don't like you - especially since you ordered breakfast and then left before your order came and never notified your waitress.

Later someone knocks on the door of the home and they are afraid. They decide to be quiet so whoever is outside will go away. First of all, the lights are on in the abandoned house and it's night - they can see you. Second, they can hear you. Third, you're there with a girl whose family owns the building. So why are you afraid? If this scares you, are you going to be able to handle seeing a ghost?

This is the only paranormal team with a member who complains about investigating a house that might actually be haunted. She is angry that so many things are happening that she can't explain. Isn't that why you ghost hunt? To find some sort of proof that ghosts exist?  Why is this girl on the team? She's unnecessarily aggressive, accusatory, angry and other unflattering things that start with the letter A.

Skip this one as there is nothing new to see here. Move along.


Stupid dialogue about ghost hunting at a home known to be haunted

"She brought us here to investigate some house that she already thought was haunted and miraculously all these unexplainable things start happening. Coincidence? I think not.  It's probably not even real." - paranormal investigator that doesn't seem to grasp that unexplainable things happening can be classified as paranormal

The Revenge of Robert (2018)

Holy crap, why did I watch this. I wish I had remembered that I barely got through the first movie, Robert. Since sequels are never as good as the original, it's a good idea to pass when the first flick was crap.

The first forty minutes of the film are focused on two people who appear to be the main characters, but disappear half way through the film. Be prepared to wait to see the dolls since they don't show up until then.  One of those dolls is a clown whose make up is just like John Wayne Gacy's, which is creepy in a gross way, rather than a scary way. Also creepy? That I recognized the make up.

The puppet master is obviously wearing old man make up. He's an old man in the 1940s and yet still alive in present day.  Everyone has a bad german accent, and there are no likable characters in the movie.

This takes place during World War II. Nazi's want to kill the toymaker and the Allies want to protect him.  At one point, they end up on a train. It's a finite space, yet the Nazi assassin can't find the toymaker.  What an idiot.  Also one of the Nazi's has a hat that is too big for him which is really distracting because it waggles when he moves his head.

I ended up fast forwarding through some of it to see if anything interesting was going to happen. It doesn't.  If you're looking for Nazi's and puppets, you'd be much better off watching one of the Puppetmaster movies.  Avoid Robert at all costs.

The Meg (2018)

When a research sub with three crew members becomes disabled on the ocean floor, Jonas Taylor is called in to attempt a rescue. Jonas is the only one man in the world can perform this type of rescue. Coincidentally his ex wife is on the stranded sub.

Years ago Jonas saved eleven people in a sinking vessel from death. But the ships doctor - who was one of the men rescued -  states Jonas is a coward who left two men behind to die. Jonas has a different story - there was something down there in the depths that was attacking the sub and if he hadn't made the decision to leave, they all would have perished.

Things go horribly wrong as almost every cliche you can think of is packed into this film which made it lots of fun.  Every time someone got knocked into the water at an inopportune time, I had to laugh.  And theres a scene right out of Jaws where the killer shark is hung up and people gather round to take photos of their prize, when the most knowledgable person on board mutters, "that's not the right shark."

I'd recommend going to the theater with some friends and seeing it on the big screen. 

Deadshadows (2012)

When Chris was a boy, his parents were killed on the night that Halleys comet was seen.  Now an adult, Chris is scared of the dark and socially awkward, preferring to stay in his apartment and work online so he doesn't have to interact much with people.

There is a new comet that is passing over Earth and theories of an apocalypse abound.  People throughout the city use this as an excuse to throw huge parties and get crazy.

Chris is invited to a party by his attractive neighbor and decides to go. But at the party things get weird. People start acting strange, some get violent, and others mutate into creatures with disturbing appendages.

While Chris is able to retreat to the safety of his apartment, he eventually is attacked and has to team up with other survivors to try to figure out how to stay alive.

You can't help but think of Night of the Comet since it all revolves around something strange happening as a comet passes over the Earth.   Overall it's okay, but the ending is unsatisfactory... kind of like this review.


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The Nightmare (2015)

Well I guess if you like seeing people talk about their night paralysis, then this film is for you. There is no narration, no set up, and no explanation for the stories.  It's made up of watching re-enactments of the stories, or people sitting in front of a camera relating their thoughts and experiences.

One of the drawbacks about the film is there is no background on what sleep paralysis is, or any scientific theories and explanations. So if you aren't familiar with it, you could be  confused.  There aren't even any crazy theories. Just people endlessly talking about their nightmares.

Sleep paralysis is incredibly frightening for those who experience it, and some people have hallucinations.  One person talks about shadow people he saw in the bedroom and that he couldn't move, but later he says "and then I woke up..." Not sure if it's the editing or how he told it, but if your story ends with you waking up, then all the viewer is left with is that you had a terrible dream.

Stories include the following:

• guy whose visitors were aliens
• guy who'd never heard of sleep paralysis until his girlfriend told him about hers. Then he started suffering from it the next night. So he tells a friend, and then the friends suffers from it the night after that.
• woman whose sleep paralysis stopped when she found God .... hiding under the bed (rimshot)
• woman who reveals she suffered extreme abuse as a child
• man who mentions not wanting to stay at parents home due to terrible things that happened there (beside his sleep paralysis)

Prom Night IV: Deliver Us From Evil (1992)

In the 1950s, Father Jonas kills two teens having sex in the back of a car. Instead of calling the police, his fellow priests sedate him and lock him in the basement of the monastery.

Thirty years later, a young idealistic priest is tasked with the care of Father Jonas, who is still sedated and shackled to a bed. It looks like he hasn't aged a day. But he desperately needs a shave and a haircut because he resembles Rasputin.

Our idealistic young priest had one job, sigh.  But he decides sedation is not needed and soon he's sleeping the eternal sleep while Father Jonas gallivants off into the night to find more sinning teens to murder.  Surprisingly no one asks how a man who hasn't moved for thirty years still has enough muscle tone to overpower a priest and run off.

In a convenient plot point, this happens to be the night of the prom and two couples are winding their way to ones family mansion for a romantic evening.  A mansion which coincidentally happens to be the old monastery. They're on a collision course with wackiness and Father Jonas.

It's snowing which is really weird considering they are going to the prom. What kind of school holds  prom in the winter? I'm highly suspicious of this.


Ridiculous Dialogue that implies someone was held back an amazingly large number of times -
"I can't believe we finished 12 years of high school."
(If it took you 12 years to finish high school, you've done something terribly wrong.)

Vanishing on 7th Street (2010)

During a blackout, anyone without some sort of flashlight, candle or other battery powered light source disappears, leaving behind nothing but a pile of clothing. Those that are left alive figure out there is something in the dark and the key to staying alive is staying in the light. Yet their grasp on the life giving lights is tenuous at best.

Never have so many people tripped and dropped flashlights when they are the only things keeping them from being taken by whatever lurks in the darkness. Yet there our characters are, falling and flailing while their lights roll out of reach when they hit the ground. Damn it, people! Hold onto your damn flashlights like your life depends on it - because it does.

The lead character isn't that likable which is a problem, and there's no real resolution or explanation for what's happening. While some movies can pull that off, this one can't and you'll be left feeling kind of annoyed.


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The Temple (2017)

When Kate heads to Japan to photograph temples for her college thesis, she brings along her jerk boyfriend James and her best friend Chris. Chris speaks Japanese which is useful but Kate doesn't notice that Chris seems to want to be more than friends.  James discomfort with this situation is the only  likable thing about him.

While at a small shop, Kate tries to purchase a book. But the shopkeepers smile fades when she sees it. She tells them it's not for sale and immediately closes the shop.  Not a good sign in any culture, but Chris doesn't get the hint and later that night, buys the book from a small boy who says he works there.

The book shows the location of a shrine and the next day they travel to a small town near its location.  When Chris asks the locals about it, he receives a warning about people being multilated when they visit. He decides not to scare his friends and holds back this incredibly vital information.

People, if you go to a foreign country and someone says, hey don't go to that place because people die or get horribly mutilated there, and you're the only one who speaks the language - tell your friends! They have the right to know so they can decide whether they should laugh it off as superstition, or stay away.  Sometimes superstitions are based on facts that can't be explained. Or there just may be  horrible people wanting to hurt you hiding in isolated places.

Our protagonists traipse on and do everything they can to get themselves in stuck at the haunted temple. Mission accomplished.  This is a frustrating movie to watch and the ending will not make you feel any better about what happened before.  Expect to be disappointed.

Iced (1988)

A group of friends head to a ski lodge for the weekend. Jeff brags about his skiing prowess to impress Trina. But when he loses a ski race, Trina ends up arm wrestling (yeah you heard me) with winner Cory in his hotel room. Jeff screams at Cory for stealing his girlfriend. But as Trina points out, they didn't come together and they've never dated.  Oh god, Jeff's one of those guys.

In a rage, Jeff heads downstairs to drink and pours his anger out to...someone, or maybe no one as we never see anyone with him. Then he goes night skiing, falls off a boulder, and lands on a small pile of rocks. And when I say rocks, I'm talking about four or five stones that might be used in building a rock wall.  Jeff rolls off the rocks and sighs, leaving the viewer to wonder if he's had the wind knocked out of him or he's dead.

Four years later, the gang is invited to a ski chalet for a sales presentation on the same mountain where Jeff died. Okay, so that establishes he's dead.... or does it?  Because there is a killer after everyone who went to the mountain with Jeff.

Alex, the real estate agent for the chalet, is barely introduced before he's in a hot tub having visions of being naked with a woman.  What's the deal?  Is this a fantasy? Is he remembering something from his past? Is he psychic and seeing something in his future?

An hour into the film, you'll wonder when the killing is going to start  - and then you'll realize there was already one murder. A slow moving snow plow runs over a man who would have survived if he'd only thought to step out of the way. Instead he remains rooted to the road while the plow slowly lumbers up and runs him over.

Be prepared for lots of hanging out at the chalet and conversations where nothing happens. Trina is always exercising. Jeannette is always getting naked and so is Carl. The killers point of view is from inside a broken ski mask which is pretty awesome but it's few and far between.

Prepare yourself for kills that are nonsensical.   Along with the guy who can't move out of the way of the snowplow, we have other confusing options. Such as the guy who's stabbed in the chest, which based on the positioning would mean the killer had walk up in front of him and lean across the kitchen counter to stab him.  And a guy who steps in a bear trap, yet ends up dead his torso covered in blood. How did that happen?  Did he somehow get the trap off his leg, reset it, and fall onto it torso first? What the hell, movie?

The most awkward scene is when Jeannette decides she's going to get all dolled up and put the moves on Alex when he comes to do his sales presentation.  After some pleasantries with the group, Alex and Jeannette get cozy next to the fire for some one on one time.   They drink wine, flirt it up, and make out. This is all fine and dandy until the phone rings.  Cut to the other side of the room where you can everyone is sitting on the couch a foot away from Alex and Jeannette while they make out. Holy crap! Who does that as an adult?

This has one of the most ridiculous reveals regarding the killer and his motivation.  Stop reading now if you don't want to know the unintentionally silly explanation.  The killer blames everyone for Jeff's death. Yet Jeff's accident had nothing to do with them. Jeff was kind of nuts and got angry because he thought he was dating someone that he wasn't actually dating.   It's not the others fault that he skied at night and died.  But the killer was in the bar and Jeff poured his heart out about the betrayal he felt.  So when Jeff didn't come back after heading up the mountain, our killer went looking for him the same night, fell off the same rock and broke his damn leg.  He blames the group not only for causing Jeff's death, but also his accident which resulted in the loss of his leg. This caused him to lose his dream of skiing in the Olympics. You see, our killer has a prosthetic leg, and it does come into play, although laughably.  So it's got that going for it.

Make sure to stick around for the snowman scene at the end.

Lake Alice (2017)

Ryan and Sarah join her parents at their cabin for Christmas.  Sarah is super happy when Ryan proposes, but her father is concerned because they've only been dating for a year and believes Ryan will not be able to support her since he is trying to become a filmmaker.

To make things more awkward, Sarah's ex-boyfriend and his mother stop by with a Christmas gift which turns out to be a framed photo of him  and Sarah with their mothers. Nothing weird about that.

For more than half the movie, nothing much happens. Then late  one night knocking is heard in the middle of the night and the family is attacked when they try to investigate.  This is where the film goes totally sideways.  Characters make the worst decisions they could possibly make.  Ryan insists that they go outside to make a run for it even though the killer is outside. Once outside, they all head in different directions and do not seem to grasp the concept of how to remain hidden or stay quiet.

Need tips to remain safe from killers at night in an isolated home or woods? Don't go outside. Just don't.  Stop shouting angrily because your cell phone doesn't work. Don't use flashlights in the dark because it makes it obvious where you're hiding. Don't talk loudly if you find someone you know.  Don't yell to cars on the road when you're deep in the woods.  If a truck drives into a snow bank, see if you can drive it away from there rather than running away from you only possible means of transport.

It was so frustrating to watch Ryan sneak into the basement whispering Sarah's name when he's shining a flashlight around. If the killer is there, the light is a beacon in the darkness, you idiot.

The twist ending is predictable as well as who is in the mask when Sarah sneaks up on him. It's nothing that hasn't been done before.  It's a small town, there's a big snow storm and there are only so many characters. As people start to die, you'll be able to narrow it down. 

One of the most awkward scenes was watching Sarah's ex play a really crappy gig.  It would be stupid if it weren't exactly like so many bad gigs I've sat through.  It's not a club so there's no stage.  The bar just puts a stool and microphone on the floor as a designated area for the person to play. And the bar patrons politely applaud but mostly ignore him and wait for him to stop.  He was so close to the pool table that if someone was playing pool, they would have hit him in the face when they drew back their cue.

Also don't invite someone to your house multiple times if you don't want them to show up. Sarah's mom invites Carl, the snowplow driver, to the house. While he politely say he doesn't want to intrude, she doubles down and tells him it's no trouble and he should really stop by.  So he does and they ask what he wants and shut the door in his face. Holy crap, that alone made me hate them.

If for some unknown reason you feel obligated to invite him and he turns you down, let it drop. Don't keep asking him to stop by.  That makes you a total asshole. Yeah the guys weird  and you don't want him in your house - which is exactly why you don't invite him in the first place.  So now you've extended an invite and retracted it by shutting the door in his face. Don't humiliate the guy. He would have been fine not going to your stupid house.

It also drove me nuts that Sarah invited her ex to come visit her and her fiancé in California. You don't do that. You don't invite your ex to visit unless your fiancé is okay with that, and you check with him first.

When I got done with the DVD, I noticed there was an option that said Bonus.  I was hoping that the bonus would be that when I clicked that option the DVD would be spit out of the player in a million pieces.  But it was not to be.


"Slow down! I can't run!"  - the worst thing to say when running away from someone trying to kill you.

The Ultimate Weapon (1988)

Hulk Hogan is Cutter, a man for hire who has a bad toupee and a conscience - both of which are a real problem for a mercenary.  He should maybe think about changing his line of work, or only sign up for wholesome family mercenary jobs.

After Cutter and his new partner complete their mission, Cutter gets suspicious that the goons he's delivering weapons to are not part of a U.N. operation like he'd been lead to believe. So he does what any good mercenary would do - he blows up the weapons.  In typical action movie consequences, this causes his family to become targets.

Cutter is quite the family man.  He casually delivers the worst proposal in the world to his girlfriend and hasn't seen his daughter in about 10 years.  If we follow the bad movie making playbook, this is cause and effect which leads to her work at a strip club.  She must not have been doing this for long because the light hasn't gone out of her eyes yet. But it will soon because her dad is watching her dance.

Family drama ensues as Cutter tries to protect his daughter while she bitterly avoids him for not being part of her life.

There a stunt double for Hogan that looks nothing like him, which is really distracting.  The stunt is jumping a fence. Not a chest high fence, but one where you can literally put a  hand on it and jump over.  I'm guessing Hogan is so bulky that his giant frame could not accommodate the slight jumping action.  But it's disconcerting to see someone who is far younger and in far better shape jumping the fence because at first glance, you think "who the hell is that" even though you know it's supposed to be Cutter.

The worst name a villain can give a document that has
secret info for his eyes only? Secret File.

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Abandoned (2015)

Single mom Streak takes a job as a night time security guard at an abandoned high-rise building.  On her first night on the job, she's told that she will patrol the building at regular intervals while her partner - a grumpy middle aged man in a wheelchair - watches the security monitors and communicates over the radio to her.

Before her manager leaves for the night, he makes it clear that no one is allowed in, and if someone does get in, her job is to get them out.  Streak is desperate for this job. She needs this job as she's worried that she's going to lose custody of her daughter and this appears to be her last chance of avoiding this.

This is why it's so crazy when a few hours later, and against her partners instructions, Streak lets a homeless man in to spend the night because there's a storm outside. Argh! Sure, come on in crazy homeless guy and bring your dog too.

As if that isn't a bad enough decision, she is told to stay away from the part of the building where there are no cameras. But she wants to figure out why the cameras don't work and heads into the basement to fix them. While there she hears something behind a padlocked door. What is a new employee to do on their first day? Obey the rules and continue your rounds, or break the padlock off the old door and explore? Streak decides it's padlock breaking time and off she goes.

Oh Streak, don't you understand that they've hired you to keep people out?  Even if someone is in there, the padlock keeps them out. Now she's opened up an avenue for anyone in there to come into the building. And if your employer has a padlocked door, it's not a good idea to break the lock and explore, ever.

Strange things start happening, and Streak sees little kids in the labyrinth behind the padlocked door.  Is it real? Is she crazy?  Will there be a payoff at the end? No, no there won't. The ending will annoy the hell out of you as it's totally unsatisfactory.

Zoombies (2016)

Eden wildlife zoo is opening soon and college interns arrive to help get the place in shape.  They are shown the amazing set up of this new marvelous zoo which includes an app to track all the animals.

A CGI monkey gets a virus and dies. An experimental serum is used to bring it back to life. Oh snap! Things do not look good for our intrepid undergrads.

The students on the internship are the standard characters including a girl with a terrible attitude. How did she even get  this internship?  They do interviews for internships and no one would have touched this girl with a ten foot pole.  She's horrible.

When an alarm goes off, everybody ignores it.  That alarm? Oh it's just that darn researcher who's always setting it off. It can't be anything important.  No, we don't even pay attention to it anymore. No, it couldn't possibly be zombie animals planning to kill all the workers in the park.

Eventually they figure out the alarm is for real this time.  So they lock down the park and wait for SWAT to save them.  Oddly enough the SWAT team shows up on the animal tracking system.

While this is a film by The Asylum, which is not a good thing, it is one of the more entertaining Asylum movies because things happen quickly. Usually Asylum has some crazy plot that could be awesomely ridiculous and fun, if only the movie wasn't idiots standing around talking.  There's some of that in this, but the animals go crazy pretty quickly and then everything is chaos.  There's nothing new about it, and it's not stellar by any means, but it had more going for it than most.  Watch for the continuity issue where the guys tattoo switches arms as he goes down zip line.  (I can't even remember his name at this point).

Darling (2015)

A young woman known as Darling is hired to take care of a wealthy matrons New York home.  When she shows up to start the job, she is warned that the previous caretaker committed suicide by jumping off the roof and the house is said to be haunted. But Darling is game, as what else is she going to do since she'd have nowhere to live if she didn't stay. Also maybe the owner should have mentioned this prior to hiring her.

Darling stares at the camera a lot.  She wanders around the house and stares.  She has what are either flashbacks or hallucinations, which rely on jump cuts and jarring noise accompaniment in an attempt to startle and induce fear. Instead it just induces annoyance at this cliched manipulation.

The movie spends an inordinate amount of time watching Darling.   So if you want to watch a young woman stare emptily, act slightly weird, and not speak much, then you'll probably enjoy this.

The ending is not a surprise and you'll find yourself wondering why anyone - especially someone rich -  would not check references before hiring a caretaker.

Also there is a locked door at the end of the hallway that you assume will figure into the story line at some point.  There is talk that the house may have been the site of Satanic ceremonies, that it might be haunted and that other caretakers have left suddenly or killed themselves.  Yet the mystery of the locked door is never used effectively so it just becomes another dead end which doesn't contribute to the story, such as it is.

The film is in black and white, and while this can be an effective choice when making a film, the lack of contrast in this movie is noticeable. It's as if they shot in color and just stripped the color out. There seems no thought to the contrast, which could have made the film moodier, spookier and more visually appealing.  If you watch films from the 50s and 60s, you can see how lighting is effectively used to deliver tension and mood. This film is far too bright and flat to effectively work.

The extras on the dvd include an interview with the director who seems very convinced that this is a special film and the viewer has never seen anything like this. Yet it borrows heavily from his influences and anyone who watches horror regularly will not be surprised by anything that occurs. Also the use of chapters in a film has to be done carefully to be effective or it comes off as pretentious, which it does here.

Red Christmas (2016)

Diane, her children and their spouses are getting ready to open their Christmas presents, when there is a knock on the door. Diane opens it to find a creepy man with a speech impediment wearing a cloak who has slightly oozy bandages obscuring his entire face.  His gloved hands hold out an envelope which has the word Mother scrawled across the front in pencil and it is obvious there is something very wrong with him.

Diane does what anyone would do in this situation and invites him in to sit down with the family. Keep in mind that it is a beautiful day in sunny Australia and the home has a huge front porch on which this stranger could have cooled his heels.  Based on the mans odd behavior, there is no way even the most compassionate person would have invited him into their home, especially when among the inhabitants are a very pregnant woman and a teenager with Downs syndrome.  What about the safety of your family?

Things get even weirder when the stranger, who's name is Cletus, insists on reading his letter to Mother and it is revealed that this is the child whose birth Diane terminated twenty years earlier.  The clinic was bombed while she was there and someone pulled the baby from the trash... the living baby... the large living baby who would never have been terminated at that age of development. It even waves it's larger than a newborn hand at the man who picks it out of the garbage.

There are two huge problems with this film.  Diane's family is completely unlikeable and ungrateful, other than Jerry the teen with Downs Syndrome who is totally in the Christmas spirit.  And the film is a complete bummer.  You don't care about the family, you don't care about Cletus, and when the movie ends you just feel yucky.  It's completely depressing and worst of all, it's just no fun. The only reason we managed to make it through this thing was Dee Wallace.

Mothman (2010)

Graduation is fast approaching and a group of teens is hanging at the lake, drinking and having fun.  Well it would be fun if they didn't have to babysit Jamie, Jared's little brother who is a couple years younger.

When they decide to scare Jamie and play a prank on him, he accidentally drowns.  The group decides they don't want to ruin their own lives.  So they come up with a story that he hit his head and drowned. Argh!  What is wrong with these people? And Jamie's brother goes along with it? What a tool.

To seal the deal, they each hit Jamie in the head with a rock, which is incredibly stupid as it's not going to look like an accident with six hits to the cranium. But apparently either there was no autopsy or the medical examiner is incompetent because they get away with it.

Ten years later Katharine, who is now a reporter, is sent back to town to cover the Mothman festival.  So I guess she isn't a good reporter since that isn't the type of assignment you'd give a serious journalist.

After running into her ex-boyfriend, Katharine reluctantly meets up with her old friends and discovers she was the only one who ever left town. Coincidentally it is ten years since Jamies death and the old gang gets together every year to toast Jamie.  A very odd tradition since you would think they'd never want to think of that horrible night they accidentally killed someone and then bashed his head with a rock to make sure everyone kept the secret.

Within a day of her arrival, members of the group start getting killed by the Mothman.  The police have no idea that it's a supernatural being. Because no one really believes in the Mothman. It's just a  harmless legend. Not so, says the creepy old blind guy who claims to have scratched his own eyes out to avoid being killed by the Mothman.

Intrepid reporter Katharine and her high school sweetheart Connor pursue leads as to why their friends are dying and how they may avoid the death sentence themselves.  The blind dude tells Katharine that Mothman can only come into their world through reflective surfaces, and Katharine notes there are no mirrors in his home.  Someone should tell him that he's wearing glasses and his house has windows because glass is reflective, dumbass.

Turns out Mothman only kills those who have killed others and hidden it to avoid paying the price.  So basically, he's a good guy getting justice for those have been wronged.  This leads us to the big problem with this movie, which is why would I care that he is killing these horrible people?

Seventh Son (2105)

Centuries ago, a witch named Mother Malkin was imprisoned underground  in a cage by Master Gregory, a spook (knights who hunt witches).  Now Malkin has escaped and plans to wage war on Gregory and the rest of humankind.  Gregory is looking for a new apprentice, seeing as they keep dying, and finds Tom, the seventh son of a seventh son.

They set out on a quest, with Master Gregory training Tom in the way of the knights.  Gregory is the last of his kind so he's looking for an apprentice to take over some day.  Since they all inconveniently die before this can happen, here's hoping Tom can survive long enough to learn the ways of the spooks.

Jeff Bridges plays old Master Gregory as if he's got a mouthful of oatmeal, a curious choice indeed as it's awkward and annoying.

Microwave Massacre (1983)

Construction worker Donald just wants a normal sandwich, but his wife May wants to expand her culinary expertise. She whips up complex inedible dishes for Donalds lunch and dinner.  Oddly enough, Donald doesn't just throw the lunch away and buy a sandwich at the lunch wagon.

One night he comes home drunk. When he gets in a fight with May about her cooking, he kills her and stuffs her in the biggest microwave known to man.  The next morning when he realizes what he's done, he hacks her up, wraps her in foil, and throws her in the fridge, which is already filled with foil wrapped food.

When Donald accidentally eats May's arm, he decides it's better than what he's been eating. He shares a sandwich with some friends at work, and they tell him it's tasty but seems a bit old. So Donald starts praying on young women in the area to get tender flesh.

The lead actor is comedian Jackie Vernon, who is probably best known as the voice of Frosty the Snowman, and is essentially a low rent Jackie Mason.  The movie is filled with bad jokes that you'd expect to hear in vaudeville of 1950s movies, and parts of the film seem as if you're watching Jackie do a monologue, complete with supposedly comedic inflections.  There are a couple of sex scenes with topless woman and a fully clothed Jackie writhing on top of them.  No one wants to see that.

The Forest (2016)

Sara and Jess are twins.  Sara is the good reliable one, and Jess is the troublemaker.  When Jess disappears, Sara's twin-tuition tells her that Jess is still alive.  So she travels to Japan, and learns that Jess was last seen going to Aokigahara, known as the Suicide Forest.

Sara refuses to believe that Jess would kill herself, plus her spider sense tells her that Jess is still alive.   She decides to go to the forest, even though locals warn her it is a dangerous place and if she goes, then she must not leave the path.  It is said ghosts haunt the forest and target those who are sad. Also it's easy to get lost because there's such a tangle of brush.

Stopping in to a bar for a drink, she meets Aiden, a reporter.  He is planning to go into the forest with his friend Michi, a forest guide who does sweeps for bodies.  Aiden says he'll take her along, if he can write her story.

They traipse into the woods and Michi leads them off the path to look for bodies. When they find her sisters tent, it is late in the day.  A tent in the forest casts doubt on whether the person intended to kill themselves.  Michi tells them they must go back, but Sara refuses to leave.  Aiden is torn between safety and leaving Sara alone, but stupidly decides to stay with Sara. Hilarity ensues. No wait, not hilarity, horror. Yes, pure horror because they did not heed the warning of staying on the path. Always stay on the path and always heed the warning of a stranger who says don't go into the woods. Stupid girl.

Dead By Dawn (2009)

A group of high school students, whose advanced age means they must have limited intellectual capacities, go to a cabin to celebrate their graduation.  Tanya is invited along by one of her friends. When the kid whose family owns the cabin finds out, he is not happy.  His older brother was accused of rape by Tanya's identical twin sister, which led to the brother committing suicide in this very cabin.  Well that's awkward.

Tanya's sister disappeared after the suicide, and the police suspect she ran away. But Tanya is convinced something happened to her sister. She has terrible nightmares and being around these jerks isn't helping since they want to make her pay for her sisters accusation.

Aaaaand lots of people die, there's a vengeful spirit and sadly enough you may fall asleep because it's not very interesting.

Ticks (1993)

Tyler gets dropped off under a city overpass in a bad part of town to wait for the youth group bus to take him to camp.  A tough urban kid appears out of nowhere and starts to hassle him.  But he's played by Alfonso Ribiero, who is the least tough person ever to play a street kid, so no need to worry.  It turns out he's waiting for the bus too.

The counselors drive the kids up to the woods for some sort of bonding experience to try to get them on the right path.  It's not really clear why most of the teens are enrolled as they don't seem particularly troubled.

Panic is street smart but friendly to the adults.  Tyler has nightmares from being lost in the woods as a child.  Dee Dee is a spoiled rich girl.  Her boyfriend Rome just appears to be along for the ride, and to get a little more ethnic diversity in the film.  Kelly doesn't speak to people, and the last girl is the counselors daughter.  She seems more troubled than any of the others, but is only there because she's got nowhere else to stay.

When they stop for supplies, the group runs into a couple of creepy guys at the general store.  Later  the same two guys wander up to their campsite to ask questions. Oh that's not good. You don't want the creepy guys knowing where you sleep at night. And in horror movies there is no such thing as a coincidence so watch out!

But the creepy guys not the worst of their problems since the woods are full of mutated killer ticks and they aren't discriminating in who they attack. The most interesting part of the movie is that one of the kids is played by Seth Green.

Worst line of dialogue:
"They call me Panic - because I never do."

Most Likely to Die (2016)

Prior to their tenth year reunion, a group of friends gathers at one of their homes to catch up with each other.  Their host is nowhere to be found, so they start without him.

On the wall are large copies of their yearbook photos stating what they were voted most likely to do.  Oddly enough, everyone in the graduating class was named Most Likely something.  Not sure if that's something schools actually do now. When I was in school, there were specific categories for senior superlatives and a different section of the yearbook for those who won.

The group sits around talking about their successes or analyzing  their own faults.  None are that interesting.  One guy is a famous actor who brings his model girlfriend, which makes things very awkward since one of the others is his high school ex still nursing a broken heart. Yikes! She still isn't over it, and doesn't trust anyone. You see, that's why she's bad at poker. Yes, really. She's a poker player but manages to blows every good hand due to the trauma of being dumped in high school.

Talk turns to their time on the yearbook staff which leads to how they took the senior photo of one of the school losers, scratched out his eyes and mouth, wrote die on his forehead, and gave him the title Most Likely to Die.  Oh it was so hilarious - until one of them managed to slip it into the final proof and it got printed in the yearbook.  They never intended for it to be printed, but hey those were good times, right? Right?

The group parties it up while the creepy caretaker watches. Old creepy graduated with them and the rich hockey player who they're visiting gave him a this job.  Um kind of weird, but okay.   Is it any weirder than inviting your high school friends to a party at your house, and not inviting the guy from high school that lives in your house as a caretaker?

When the killings start, their first thought is it's old creepy. caretaker guy.  Each time someone dies, a read X marks the yearbook photo on the wall, and their death is in a manner corresponding to their Most Likely To quote in the yearbook.  And there you have it.  It's a fairly typical slasher with unsympathetic characters.

Starry Eyes (2014)

Sarah is a struggling young actress who works as a waitress at Big Taters while trying to make it in Hollywood.   Her roommate and friends are actresses, actors and filmmakers all looking for their big break.  They're more friends of convenience than real friends since they can't keep her secrets, and one girl constantly makes passive aggressive comments meant to undermine her self esteem.

When Sarah gets an audition for a movie at a well known studio, her friends are jealous. But the audition doesn't go well and Sarah ends up in the bathroom screaming and tearing her hair out.  One of the casting directors catches Sarah in mid fit, and asks her to  repeat this in the auction room.  Sarah does but leaves feeling confused since they seem just as unimpressed as when she did her reading.

When Sarah gets a call back and is then invited to meet the producer, she is thrilled. They tell her this is a gateway role. She'll be the star and her face will appear on all the posters.  But there's a catch and it involves the casting couch.  Sarah is horrified and bolts.

But later that night as she hangs out with her crappy friends, she begins to rethink her decision  She's selling her soul working at dead end jobs, so what's the difference between that and selling herself for the stardom she wants?   Oh poor misguided, delusional, mentally fragile Sarah. This isn't going to end well.

Sarah's transformation, or disintegration, is pretty gross.  While she's a fragile character, she's too messed up to be sympathetic.  At times you feel bad for her, but she's willing to do anything to get what she wants.

Drive Angry 3D (2011)

Drive Angry is a crazy movie in 3D.  Is it good? No, not really, but it's got tons of action and William Fichtner gives a fantastic  performance as The Accountant.

Nicholas Cage - looking like the lead singer of Nickelback - is Milton, a man who's escaped from hell in a souped up muscle car.  He's come back to Earth to avenge the death of his daughter at the hands of a satan worshipping cult, and rescue his granddaughter before the cult can sacrifice her.

Milton teams up with Piper after he saves her from her abusive boyfriend.  Piper isn't your normal helpless female, although she appears young and helpless.  She drives muscle cars and isn't afraid to throw punches or shoot cops, if needed.

The two are tracking Jonah King, leader of the cult. On their tail are the police and the Accountant, who plans on bringing Milton back to hell.

This is one weird messed up movie. In one scene Cage has a gun battle and dives about the room while having sex with a waitress.  The Accountant has the most amusing scenes and Fitchner gives the best performance in the film.  Also watch for Tom Atkins as the Sheriff as it's always good to see him show up.

Eaters (2011)

After a pandemic turns most of the population into zombies, a weirdo doctor searches for a cure with the help of a few other survivors who procure zombies for his experiments. Oddly enough the zombie population is pretty slim.  There are more Nazi's than zombies, but that doesn't make things any more interesting.

The majority of the movie is the two main characters driving around, talking to each other, and occasionally shooting zombies.  Only two characters don't come off as total jerks, and overall the movie isn't that interesting.

A Good Man (2014)

Every time I watch a Steven Seagal film, I assume it's going to follow the typical trajectory - he bonds with a small child to show how sensitive he is, and then kills everyone. This movie is no exception.

Seagal is Alexander, a bloated pufferfish with a jet black goatee and synthetic hair crafted into a questionable widows peak. Alexander is former Special Ops living in a low rent part of a European city where the Russian mob is prevalent.  He meets his neighbors - a twenty something woman and a child - when they get locked out of their apartment.  Since he's a handyman, he can help them get in. Let the bonding begin.

His neighbors brother Sasha is trying to pay off their fathers debt to the Russian mob.  The debt puts the whole family in danger, which is not okay with Seagal since he's a sensitive guy who cares about their well being. See? He's a multifaceted hitman.

After the plot set up, the next hour will be full of Seagal mumbling and walking slowly towards people who've threatened him. People who are saying things like, "it's none of your business old man" because they have no idea that this old jowel-y handyman is going to make them wish they'd never been born.

I'm guessing the opening dialogue, which consists of Seagal using the word fuck in every sentence, may be trying to convey he's a tough guy since he can't really do physical work anymore.  The fight scenes consist of Seagal twisting someones arm, causing them to cascade through the air in multiple spins.  Between the quick cuts and the stuntmen's talent, there are some passable action scenes.  Oh,  I forgot Sasha is still young enough to pick up the slack so we do have some okay fights in the film.

Occasionally there appears to sometimes be someone else dubbing Seagals dialogue, which isn't totally a surprise once you've noticed it in some of his other films.  Also watch for the scene where we discover that the Russian mob doesn't know how backpacks work.  They don't realize these bags  have more than one pocket.

Unfathomable dialogue-

Well I'm sorry to hear that because now I'll snatch every motherfucker birthday.

(There was a debate on whether he was mumbling snatch or smash. I like smash better.)

Navy Seals vs. Zombies (2105)

When the Vice President gets trapped in Baton Rouge by an outbreak of violence, an elite unit of Navy Seals is sent to rescue him.  No one informs the Seals of the real issue plaguing the city, which is zombies.

After locating the survivors, an annoying reporter trapped with the VP tries to show the Seals footage of what actually happened, but they blow her off.  They may want to be more open minded since they have no idea what made the VP and secret service scamper into a hiding place like frightened children.

They call for the chopper to evacuate the VP and are told that anyone who has been bitten is not allowed to leave.  No one shall ask why the Seals don't check any of the survivors for bites before allowing them on the copter - especially those who are mysteriously ill and can't walk without help.

Now you'd think that Seals would be leaving with the others, but instead they are told they have a second mission. Go across town and collect a scientist who may  (or may not) be the key to curing the zombie outbreak.

The annoying reporter and her cameraman refuse to leave because they want the story. So the Seals agree to watch out for them.  This is a terrible idea. It's not their job to babysit pesky reporters and this extra burden could jeopardize their mission.  And what the hell is Michael Dudikoff doing in this film?  I expect better from the American Ninja.

The Seals are not up to their usual caliber. One one is taken out by a single zombie, and another decides that he won't shoot a zombie because it's a child. It's a goddamn zombie, kill it!  I expect better decisions from the Seals.  But then again, it was obvious AJ was not going to get through this mission unscathed.  Not only is he a rookie Seal but his wife is expecting their first baby. He may as well have a target on his head.

The best thing about this movie is that it was  $2.99 to buy it, but $3.99 to rent it.  So... if I have don't keep it, you'll charge me more?  Hilarious!  This prompted a debate on whether it was worth saving a dollar if you have no interest in owning the movie.  It was 2 against 1 to save the dollar and purchase the damn thing.

screenshot of the options for rent and purchase

closer shot of prices showing it's cheaper to buy than rent

Unfriended (2015)

The biggest problem with this movie is that it takes place on a computer screen. So be prepared to spend a lot of time listening to characters type and reading their instant messages to each other.

Blair, her boyfriend Mitch, stoner Ken, blond Jess, mean Val, and jock Adam get on a private chat but  another person keeps joining them.  Since no one allowed this other person to join, they try a new chatroom. The mystery person is able to join their conversation again.  Creepily enough, it appears to be Laura, who committed suicide a year ago.

The kids can't get away from her.  She seems to have access to everywhere they go online.  They  even mute the sound, but Laura turns it back on. No one thinks of shutting down their computers or having a real life conversation. Sigh, kids these days.

Blair looks for advise online and finds a website which says you should not not answer message from the dead. This leads to a ton of exposition done through web searches, texts, and watching the kids faces as they're reading the texts.  I'm still wondering how the dead are able to type.

As people start dying and they need help, they use Chat Roulette to try to get the police.  Oh hey naked, creepy, non-English speaking, German guy in any town on the other side of the world. I need the police sent to my home asap because someone is trying to kill me.  Seriously?  Use your cell phone! Or how about texting someone nearby or post on the police Facebook page? It's all going to be quicker than finding someone on Chat Roulette, who is more than likely going to hit because you're a freak and they don't want to be pranked
.

This is what you'll spend 90 minutes watching

Toxic Zombies (1980)

aka Bloodeaters

A group of hippies living in tents in the woods waiting to cultivate their crop of weed is targeted by the Feds. The Feds hire someone to crop-dust using a toxic chemical, but he doesn't differentiate between plants and people.

The hippies try to stagger away, but start vomiting blood and before you know it - boom, they're zombies and attacking their own kind rather than hoofing it out of there. The rest of the movie is random characters going camping and stumbling upon the killer zombies, some of whom carry machetes.

This is low budget with mediocre acting. It's fairly slow paced also, but if you like independent 80s movies, it's okay.  This is from the time when it was a big deal to get the resources and drive to make a movie, as opposed to the past twenty years where everyone has access to computers and video cameras.

Amityville: It's About Time (1992)

Jacob returns home from a business trip with an antique clock.  His teenagers, Rusty and Lisa, are underwhelmed with this new addition to the home decor.  Jacob's exgirlfriend has been staying with the kids, which is awkward since she has a new boyfriend. But that doesn't stop her from ending up in the sack with Jacob, even though she isn't interested in him anymore.

In the wee morning hours, the clock drills down into the mantle to secure it's place in the home.  Strange things begin happening immediately.  Rusty sees a different room in place of the living room when he flips on the lights. Virginal Lisa begins dressing like she's an extra in a 90s hair metal video, and Jacob is attacked by a neighbors dog while on a jog.

Jacob's ex doesn't feel right about leaving him alone. That's not a great decision especially since Jacob is actually on the path to glowering, hobbling, possession,and a nasty infection in his dog bites.  Because it is no ordinary clock that Jacob brought home.  It is the Amityville house clock. That's right.  They've officially run out of ideas. This movie doesn't even take place in Amityville, but across the country in California.

This could be named anything because it really has nothing to do with Amityville. The home is modern, but they show us that the two upstairs windows look like the windows in the original home. Well, they don't really because the home is modern, but they're in a similar area of the house.  Nothing original about this one.

Malibu Shark Attack (2009)

When an earthquake releases the supposedly extinct goblin sharks my the depths of the ocean, the first thing they do is start eating humans. No one shall ask why these deep water sharks who've been in darkness for years don't have issues with sunlight, or why they wouldn't suddenly develop a taste for human flesh.

Just when you think things couldn't get any worse for the  beach goers and lifeguards, they are hit with a tsunami.   Oh hell no!  Head for the hills because a giant wall of water filled with goblin sharks it coming to a beach near you.  Oddly enough, the wooden lifeguard tower easily survives this natural disaster. So hurrah!  Everyone will be perfectly safe unless the goblin sharks figure out how to make holes in the floor... oh. Who knew that blood likes to burrow down through a foot of water and right through the floor boards where goblin sharks wait to bash their heads against said floor.

The lifeguards and a few people working at a new construction project seem to be the only ones affected by the tsunami of sharks.  Oddly enough some of the construction workers decide to swim for it rather than stay at in the building which is above water and shark free. Chomp.

This follows the typical story line of killer sharks who appear to be more intelligent than the humans who are trying to escape from them.  This is your standard Syfy channel movie.

As Above So Below (2014)

Scarlet is an archaeologist in search of the legendary Philosophers Stone.  She has a charming accent, but she's annoying as hell. Plus she's a lousy friend. Also for a reason that I can't remember, someone named Benji is shooting a documentary on her.

After risking her life to get information from a hidden chamber about to be destroyed, she calls upon her old friend George to translate the text. He reluctantly agrees due to the significance of the discovery. The translation leads them to a museum in France where George is able to secure entry from a n acquaintance.  Scarlet removes an ancient tombstone from the wall and pours cleaning fluid on it. George is not amused.

But Scarlet doesn't care because she finds info on the tombstone that leads them to France, where they secure the help of underground explorer Papillion. He agrees to guide them into the catacombs, and brings along two friends, Siouxsie and Zed, who are experienced explorers.

Scarlet brings Benji, but George wants no part of it.  Even though Scarlet knows George was traumatized as a child when his brother drowned in a cave and he was unable to help him, she pressures him to go with her.  Her lack of compassion regarding George or anyone else's feelings is something that will make you repeatedly want to punch Scarlet in the throat.

George makes the bad decision to accompany them to the entrance of the catacombs. This involves trespassing in an area where there are overly zealous police patrols.  When they are caught by the police, George is forced to head into the tunnels or risk arrest.  Scarlet cheers as George ponders why he doesn't have better friends.

When they reach a spot where the passageway Scarlet wants is sealed off, Papillion suggests a different way. He doesn't want to open the passage because anyone who enters it is never seen again. Locals believe the passageway is evil. Scarlet doesn't like listening to other people, even when it's a guide she hired to navigate a tunnel system she doesn't know.

As an archaeologist, Scarlet should be aware that legends and tall tales are often based on fact. They are stories to explain what is not understood.  So if everyone who goes into a corridor disappears, it probably isn't because of evil. But what about the possibilities of falling rocks, animals, bad air, mold spores, cave ins, holes in the floor, water, or a crazy person who kills everyone who enters.

You just know they're going to end up in that damn evil tunnel, and as expected, things do not go well.  They get lost, find strange things, people die, Benji's fat ass gets stuck, and Scarlet straight arms a ghoul (which is the best moment of the film).

At one point Benji screams, "First bones? Now rats?"  Good god, does he not even realize what the catacombs are?  You're underground in a dank tunnel where people are buried. Of course, there are bones and rats.

Although I couldn't stand Scarlet and wished someone would push her down a well, overall the movie wasn't bad. Actually for a point of view/found footage movie, it was way better than most of the crap out there. If only Scarlet weren't so annoying.  It's great to have a confident woman as the main character, but tone it down a bit.   She could have used more humanity and humility, rather than trampling over everyone else's feelings.  You can be driven, but still compassionate.

Cyber Vengeance (1997)

Will likes to play virtual reality games. He's one of those guys that calls the video company to complain about the authenticity of the weapons in the game he's playing.  In fact, he calls the company multiple times about different issues. So yeah, he's pretty annoying.

His girlfriend isn't too pleased with him either. He's not steadily employed at the moment, but is making some money doing testing of a virtual prison.  So between the hobby and testing, he spends most of his time in virtual worlds, much to the chagrin of his nagging girlfriend.  It's not clear which came first, - her nagging or Will's immersion in virtual reality.

When a hot woman appears all of a sudden and wants to have sex with Will, there is only one conclusion you can make.  Yup, it's virtual reality.  But that's not much comfort to his girlfriend, who catches him in the act. Awkward.  Will tries to  explain he's just testing out the program. But since his virtual get up looks like something out of a leather bar, she may want to be more concerned about which way he's swinging.

Will's work involves going into the virtual prison world and reporting any issues he finds with system.  But owner Mr. Crowley isn't happy about Will being so friendly with the prisoners.  He's warned to stop interacting with them.  But Will believes one of the men is innocent, so he just becomes more cautious in his interactions.

What Will doesn't realize is that Crowley is using the prison as a hunting grounds for rich men, in a lame-o Dangerous Game storyline. The rich pay handsomely and can request any historical time period and location.  Crowley then sends prisoners to this virtual location, and when the hunter follows at a specified later time, the game begins.

This is one of those cyber movies where you never know what's real, and what's virtual reality.  Will isn't a character that you're going to root for, and the storyline is one that's been done many times before, with the difference being the cyber aspect of it.

Worst comeback ever:

Will - You can suck my fuck you.

the embarrassing of virtual reality sex

may want to ease up on that hair gel - we can see your scalp

low rent Max Headroom, complete with stuttering

Will is ready for the leather bar