Microwave Massacre (1983)

A slow talking, middle-aged construction worker gets sick of his wife and her obsessive culinary experimentation.  Longing for a simple sandwich, he murders his wife one night while drunk and throws her into the largest home microwave known to man.

After he realizes what he's done, he hides her body in the freezer which is stocked full of foil wrapped meals.  After accidentally eating his wife's arm, he develops a taste for flesh which he satisfies with a series of streetwalkers.  

A bizarre movie with bad acting and a leading man who you wish would speak faster.

April Fool's Day (1986)

A group of college students goes to a friend's summer home on an isolated island. Three of the guys play a practical joke which results in a serious injury for one of the workers on the boat.  Shortly after this people start disappearing and bodies start showing up.   Good 1980s slasher with a twist ending.

Dark Power (1985)

College students move into the home of a recently deceased Native American - his stuff is still in there.  Unbeknownst to them, there are also four Toltecs buried in the corners of the yard.  The Toltecs come to life on a day of evil and attack the students living in the house.

The only hope for salvation is our local sheriff played by  Lash LaRue, an old time western star known for his skills with a whip.  While it's certainly a unique skill and he knows how to wield the whip, there isn't anything exciting about a whip fight between an old sheriff and a Toltec.

Lake Placid 2 (2007)

Sheriff John Schneider's son comes to visit for the summer and immediately falls in with some local kids who look way to old to even be in college.  A big game hunter comes to town, ignores all the Sheriff's warnings, and we know the giant crocodile will soon have dinner.

When they camp on the lake shore, the seaplane they parked at the dock is no longer there.  Oh continuity.....

Voodoo Tailz (2002)

Three college students head to New Orleans during college break and end up being pursued by a voodoo cult.  The girls choose to drive from California to New Orleans - a stupid, time consuming move -  as the film is padded with slow pans across a map.   Ridiculously enough, when one's boyfriend follows later on, he too drives instead of flying.

When they get to New Orleans, the hotel room they reserved has been given away so they end up in this sketchy rooming house with a creepy manager.  They head to a voodoo museum and steal one of the items on display.  Yes, always good to steal a souvenir from people who practice voodoo.

Then the killing starts and things get even stupider. 

Witchcraft 7: Judgement Hour (1995)

A vampire, with fake teeth that look as if they might fall out at any minute, bites women willing to get naked at fancy parties.   A recently deceased vampire escapes from the hospital morgue, runs through the streets in a paper johnny while her butt hangs out, and has no trouble finding a victim by targeting a jogger.  It's all bad fangs and boobs.   I couldn't even watch it. 

Shadow Warrior (1996)

Crappy movie where things don't make sense, cyborgs go berzerk and start killing everyone.  Computer chips are planted in dead people but of course something goes wrong with their brains.  Mikhail goes nutzoid and can only be stopped by another cyborg who still has random memories of his family. 

Pink Angels (1971)

Pink Angels is a comedy about a gang of gay bikers heading to a drag queen dance.  They act tough when other people are around, terrorizing employees at a hotdog stand.  But when no one is around, they mince about and have picnics.

The group runs into another biker gang and there are long scenes of partying, topless girls, and Dan Haggarty.   There is also a subplot about a military bigwig and the light hearted film ends in an Easy Rider vein, which comes out of nowhere.  

Killing Spree (1987)

The incredibly named Asbestos Felt stars as Tom Russo, a man with trust issues who believes his wife is cheating on him after reading what appears to be her diary. 

Tom is so afraid that she'll cheat on him that he doesn't want her working even after he gets a 40% paycut at work.  He even kicks his best friend out of the house during a dinner party after imagining his friend and wife getting intimate on the kitchen table, (in a truly bizarre and icky scene unlike anything you've ever witnessed).

Every night Tom comes home, and red light bathes the room as he opens the diary.  As he reads day after day of her exploits with the workmen that come to the house, Tom understandably shouts, "why is she writing this down?!"

After the reason is revealed, the film shifts gears and all the people Tom has killed come back to life (huh?!?) and want revenge.  Truly bizarre and awesome film.

Not the best acting you'll ever see, and there is an inexplicable scene of Abestos vacuuming while wearing disturbingly small bikini underwear.   But I really enjoyed this movie and would watch it again.

Severed: Forest of the Dead (2005)

A logger who suffers a chainsaw accident turns into a zombie when experimental tree sap gets into his wound.   When no one can get in touch with the logging camp, the owner's son is sent into the woods where he finds zombies are running amuck and a small group of loggers and environmentalists are holed up in a small shack.

There is some very nice cinematography and lighting in the film, with a decent story line.  The characters are typical for this type of story.  As usual the rule should be when the weasel wants your help, don't do it.  

Pretty good film until the end, which was disappointing.

Modern Vampires (1998)

Van Helsing seeks revenge against modern vampires in Los Angeles.  These are hip vampires who hang out in vampire clubs, except for the dirty nasty girl nicknamed Slasher who pretends to be a prostitute to pick up her victims.

Not that great a film, but I did get a kick out of the bad fangs which made the vampires lisp. There's nothing like a vampire getting spiked through the heart while lisping, "Sthee you in hell!"

Blood Reaper (2003)

A group of friends goes camping for the weekend and meets up with a serial killer in a gas mask.  A guy with a guitar wanders up to the group's campfire the first night, warning them to leave and playing a song he's written about the serial killer.  For some reason, they aren't alarmed.

Lots of nonsensical things happen and there is never any information revealed about the killer or why he is doing the killings.

One Man's Justice (1995)

aka One Tough Bastard

After John North's daughter is killed by a man in federal protection, North decides he will seek justice - which includes teaming up with a drug dealing kid and lots of killing.  Fairly forgettable action flick with a title that should have been used by Steven Seagal.

Marina Monster (2008)

Idiots who fall or are pushed off docks in the marina are eaten by a shark, which consists of a fin in the water.  The people flounder, then submerge.  Yup, shark got 'em.

Meanwhile Earl Molar must call his father Commodore, which leads to a standing joke that will make you want to shoot yourself.  "Father... I mean, Commodore Molar..."  It's endlessly repeated and not funny the first time.

At the beginning of the movie, there are around four minutes of nothing but sailboats in the distance on the water. Then at the end, there are minutes full of a shot of ripples in the water.  Since there are no credits anywhere in the video, I'm assuming this is where they were supposed to go. 

One of the worst movies I've ever seen, and that's saying something.

Raptor Island (2004)

A group of ill-prepared navy seals set out to rescue an elite operative held hostage by terrorists and end up on an island inhabited by dinosaurs.

Oh Lorenzo Lamas, why must your navy seals be so inept?  They have an inflatable boat, but no repair.  They are weighted down with high tech equipment and huge knapsacks, but they do not seem to have anything they need.  

And let's not even talk about the cave full of dinosaurs or the ridiculous female operative, who seems incapable of taking care of herself.   

Warriors of the Wasteland (1982)

aka I Nuovi Barbari

Post-apocalyptic ridiculousness ripe with bad hair, future cars, explosions, laser sounds, big should pads, and a beheading all in the first ten minutes!   This is a combination of fourth rate Mad Max mixed with Megaforce's motorcycles and gangs dressed in white. It would seem like a bad idea to dress in white after the apocalypse, but their outfits are spotless.

The Templars want to kill everyone, while Fred Williamson is a mercenary who helps out our loner hero, Scorpion.  There are cars with bubble tops, a little kid mechanic, a bad guy with a disturbing cod piece, and cars so slow that a woman wearing high heels in sand can out run them.  Yup, everything in the future looks super cheap.

Bad hair and big shoulder pads.

The Gore Gore Girls (1972)

Another Herschell Gordon Lewis film with gore and strip clubs.  Obnoxious detective Abraham Gentry is hired by a newspaper to investigate a series of stripper murders.  Gentry carries a walking stick, has a distinguished mustache, wears a suit, and demands a clean glass when ordering his seltzer water.

The strippers are dispatched by various methods involving gore, such as cleavers, meat tenderizer, and boiling oil.  A woman's liberation group is protesting the strip clubs, and one stripper says the leader of the group has threatened to kill the strippers.  There is also a large insane gentleman who sits at the bar, draws faces on vegetables and then smashes them to bits.

Gentry is too clever for his own good, but does crack me up with the question, "please tell me everything you can about Suzy Creampuff."  Also amusing is the bottle brought to the scene by the killer, which has a label on it that states "Acid, Made in Poland."

The Wizard of Gore (1970)

I don't like gore, but I love Herschell Gordon Lewis's movies.  The music is great and the actors sound like they just came off the stage at a community theater.  Montag the Magician has a delivery similar to Criswell from Plan 9.

Montag's show consists of him telling his audience that they will see live gore on stage, and then asking for a volunteer.  Surprisingly, the audience does not look alarmed.  

When the poor woman gets on stage, Montag butchers her, pulls her guts out, and at the end of the act, shows that it was all an illusion as she doesn't have a mark on her.  Later that night, the woman is found murdered by the same method that Montag used on stage.

A sports reporter, who was at the show with his news reporter girlfriend Sherry, figures out this connection.  His first thought is that a maniac at Montag's shows is following the girls and killing them in the same fashion.  Later he begins to suspect Montag.  His girlfriend is skeptical, as are the police.

After five women are killed after being on stage with Montag, Sherry volunteers to be the next woman who Montag performs his trick on.  When her boyfriend professes his concern, Sherry cluelessly asks, "What can go wrong?"  

There is bad acting all over this film and some of the hairstyles are ridiculous.  Perhaps my favorite moment was when two of the reporters eat at a place called Chicken Unlimited!  Wow, I would totally eat there. With that name, how could you not?

There is a twist ending that I didn't see coming, and which is now cliche.  But at the time I believe it was less common, so is forgivable.

Bite Me (2004)

The owner of a failing strip club stashes a crate of government marijuana in his back room, not realizing that it also contains some strange bugs.  The bugs attack his bartender and strippers, so an exterminator is hired.  The bugs resemble those Cootie kids toys, and are totally unscary.

I'm not a fan of this movie, but my friends thought it was pretty good.  What I liked best about the movie was that the strip club had a giant dinosaur behind it, which didn't figure much into the movie but was amusing nonetheless.

Torso (1973)

aka I Corpi Presentano Tracce di Violenza Carnale

Female students are being strangled and stabbed, but the police have no clues except that the killer has a red and blue scarf.  One co-ed suspects a man she knows until she realizes his scarf is a blue design on red.  I was unaware that they were being so specific in their scarf descriptions.

A few girls decide to go out of town to get away from it all at a big estate overlooking the village. Unfortunately terror follows them and they become the next victims.

I'm not sure what it is about Italian films, but they are so creepy and leave me feeling disturbed and slightly sick when the movie is over.  So although I don't enjoy them, they are quite effective.

This movie also reminded me that CGI has robbed us of all the fantastic falling dummy scenes.  There is nothing better than a body going off a cliff when it's legs bend unnaturally and it's obvious that it is only a lifeless dummy.