Death Island (2017)

 Aka Death Island: Paranormal Retribution

Film maker Chris decides to do a documentary about four kids who disappeared in 1989 while at a camp for troubled youth on Garden Island.  Along with the film crew,  Chris brings a paranormal team and Chuck, who was a kid on the camping trip. 

Before they head to the island, townsfolk tell them not to go. Rumors are the island is haunted and people tend to disappear out there.  Also there are seven species of snakes, coyotes and poison ivy.  So it is not a safe place to set up camp. I’m wondering why they took the troubled children out there.

But nothing will stop our intrepid crew and they take a boat to the island to look for the Indian graveyard and stay over night.  Showing a complete lack of understanding of their surroundings and the dangers they’ve been warned about, they wear shorts, sleeveless t-shirts and sandals.

While exploring, they stumble upon a couple guys with guns who give chase.  Chris yells that they have every right to be there because it’s state land, completely missing the fact that this is not an appropriate response to being chased by men with guns. Later someone says they think the guys are meth makers. 

Their survival instincts aren’t very good because later that night, the whole group traipses into the woods to look for paranormal activity.  When they hear something in the woods, it turns out to be guys with lasers which I assume are on their guns.  The crew turns out to be the least stealthy team ever as they keep talking and making tons of noise as they run. They also have lights on.  

Chris questions what they did or said to those guys who chased them, while insisting they have every right to be there.  Once again he’s clueless as to why meth making hillbillies would not want them around. He brow beats his crew into going out again, but the paranormal team refuse to go.  When Chris goes out on his own, the crew go to look for him and get lost. Amy is super annoying since she keeps giving Chuck crap because they’re lost. But Chuck hasn’t been to the island since he was a child. Why would she expect him to know his way around?

Then we go all Blair Witch with unflattering close ups of people crying in the woods at night.  We know from the beginning that they disappeared, but what’s weird is that when they list those who disappear it’s Chris, Chuck, Amy and Sophia.  So the paranormal team are fine? Did get home  okay? Was there a search? Did the authorities find the meth makers? What the hell, movie!

Dialogue from annoying characters:

We really want to know how you can have supervised children on an island and they vanished.

This is state property. We have every right to be here.

Dude, he’s got a laser, go!

Oh my god, it’s just getting darker and darker out, and you don’t know even know where we’re going. I don’t now where we’re going. Do you?

The missing poster uses stills from the movie.

The magic marker sign at the indian graveyard

Is wearing tags on the back of your hat a thing?
Or were they going to return it after they shot the film?

Lots of unflattering shots in this film

Was this actually built by Native Americans?
It appears to be milled lumber.

They’re totally Blair Witching it. 

There are multiple scenes where the background is in
focus, and the person in the foreground is out of focus

Deadware (2021)

Rachel calls her friend Jay on video chat, which is this new fangled thing because the movie takes place in 1999.  While they are supposed to be friends, they seem uncomfortable with each other.

When Rachel asks about Amy, Jay says he hasn’t heard from her in a year or two. Rachel says she didn’t get any response to her remails, which is fine since they don’t need to talk every month since they have a connection. Rachel has overlooked that if you have a connection with someone they will respond to your emails.

The last entry on Amy’s blog says she’s playing an online game. Even though Jay is a gamer, he’s never heard of it. They locate the game online and decide to play.  Rachel’s cognitive functioning is in question when she says maybe the game is unreleased, which doesn’t make sense since it’s online and their friend was playing it.  

Rachel is not only cranially impaired, she’s a bad friend.  At 2am, Jay decides to sign off because he needs to get up early for work. Rachel begs him to continue, but he leaves. When she discovers she can’t play the game without him she calls him back and says she won’t be able to sleep if they don’t finish the game and they’re almost done anyway. It’s a weird lie to say since neither knows how long it takes to play. As with any movie where your friend is missing and you see someone in the game who looks like her, playing is a bad decision.

There are a number of annoying things in this film.  Every web site they need is the name of what they’re seeking. Rachel is condescending and manipulative to Jay.  As soon as Amy’s web cam connects, there is a painting in the room that matches one in the game. It is so distinctive I noticed it immediately. Yet they don’t notice until Jay goes over to Amy’s apartment and looks around her room. And if Amy’s web cam connects and Amy is nowhere to be seen, why would you assume she left for a bit? If she was going out, she wouldn’t connect and never speak to you.  Jay and Rachel, I curse you.

Ridiculous dialogue from some jerks:

They are eternal beings who can not pay their own rent.

I did send her some emails and never got a response.  But it’s not really that big a deal because when you’re close, you know, I just feel there’s an unbroken bond between us and we don’t have to talk every day or month or whatever.

I was trying to play it without you and it wouldn’t let me…. I just feel bad not finishing it. I don’t want to leave it open.

I won’t be able to sleep unless we finish this.

Kind of weird the only name in the guest book is Amy

Amy connects and they see an empty chair

The movie takes place entirely online so you’re always
looking at a computer screen and two people

Exorcist Vengeance (2022)

Father Jozsef is called to an estate where there’s been a death and a maid seems to be possessed.  There are multiple family members staying at the estate and Rose is way too flirty with her cousin, (although I swear he was referred to as her brother earlier which is even creepier). 

While the Father tries to get rid of the demon, the majority of the family gets in his way or argues with him.  Since he’s arrived, two people have died and most of the family blames him.  They seem to have forgotten someone died prior to his arrival and about the vomiting, levitating maid in the upstairs bedroom.

The most interesting thing about this movie is the father is played by Robert Bronzi, who looks like Charles Bronson.  In true Bronson style, the Father has a gun and shoots people when he feels it’s necessary.

Ridiculous dialogue:

She was traditional, to put it mildly.

Christine: We should call the police:

Father Jozsef: No, the church takes umbrage with the police getting involved.

Why don’t you suspect her? Magda. I mean if anyone was going to conjure the devil, it’d be her, right? She was probably jealous of us and our money.

Rebecca: Father, wait!  They don’t know.

Father Jozsef:  Funny. They do know. I told them.

Low rent Charles Bronson

Because all police wear their shirts unbuttoned.

Glass Trap (2005)

What could be better than a disaster movie about giant ants attacking a skyscraper?  Well, many things because this isn’t great. In true disaster movie fashion, a ton of characters are introduced at the beginning and it’s hard keeping track of everyone. Sometimes you’ll forget who is in the building.  

The characters starting in the high rise are: janitor Curtis; his uncle Hank who’s his supervisor; rich lady Ms. Heisman; her brow beaten assistant Sharon; photographer Paulo and his models who are doing a shoot on the roof; a guy stealing company secrets;  his daughter who is waiting in the car; and a security guard . I’m not sure if I got everyone, but be prepared for Paulo’s Italian accent right out of the 1950s. “Hey, I’m-a Italian.”

There is also the greenhouse which is the source of trees filled with the ants and where we get additional characcters: the owner; a dead worker; Sheriff Hansen who is investigating the death; and Agent Lucera who works for the USDA.

The ants were hiding in the leaves of the trees transported to the high rise, but now inside the building, they are the size of large dogs.  And I am an unreliable narrator because I got bored and have no idea how they got so big.

Ridiculous dialogue from people soon to be killed by ants:

Ms. Heisman: Who will be the fresh new face to adorn the cover of our fresh new faces issue?

Sharon: Brad Pitt?

Ms. Heisman: Over

Sharon: Johnny Depp?

Ms. Heisman: Too weird.

Paulo: Which-a way to the roof?

Security: Just take the elevator up to the penthouse and take a right.

Curtis doing his charming janitor thing

The biggest mystery is why she’s so doe eyed over Curtis.

Well that escalated quickly. He was just walking around.

The only movie I can think of where someone is
brained by a wooden mallard.

She dropped sugar cubes on the floor and
put them back in the container

Asylum of the Dead (2012)

Aka The Lost Episode

A group of teens visit an abandoned asylum where a film crew disappeared a year ago.  Apparently it’s sometimes used as a haunted attraction since there are dummies in some of the rooms.

Suddenly we are catapulted into a van full of people. Is this the film crew? Yes, it is and get ready for abrupt shifts from the teens in the asylum and flashbacks to the ghost hunting team who disappeared.  The only constant between the two groups is that neither is very bright.

The ghost hunters and their crew are really disorganized. When someone shows up as they’re getting out of the van, they ask if he’s the caretaker. When he warns them to leave, they ask the location manager if he has the permission to shoot there.  If you’re meeting someone, you should be aware of it. So a stranger out of nowhere should be a bit of a red flag.  Also they just walk into the buildings. No security? No key to get in?

The group split up to look the place over and set up, breaking the first rule of abandoned buildings which is never go off on your own.  The floor could collapse, other people could be in there, or you could get locked in somewhere.They are completely disorganized and one guy gets locked in the van by a spirit. How? How do you get locked in a van?

We can’t trust the researcher on the team since she says the asylum has seventeen buildings connected by  underground tunnels, totally missing that by definition a tunnel is underground.

Since we know they disappeared, it isn’t a surprise when they run into ghosts who decide to murder them. Just as you start to forget you’re in a flashback, we switch to the present with the teens talking about the disappearance. The teens had no trouble walking in, which you’d think it would be more difficult since people disappeared a year ago.

Ridiculous dialogue:

Security:Lady, you would not believe how many kids I’ve had to run off since American’s Most Haunted was here. But we’ve collected more than $300,000 in trespassing fines in the last year.

Lady looking for her son after he was dared to go there (angrily): My son is not a trespasser.

Thanks for the history lesson here but we’re trying to work. Do you need something specific or are you going to keep freaking us out?

If they hadn’t assumed he was the caretaker,
maybe they would have listened to him

There is definitely peeling lead paint on those walls.

The room with the dummy and paint to make it look old

You’ll forget teens are telling the story of the lost film crew.

The host who wanders off alone

Nothing awkward about holding an iPad to see ghosts

Black Rat (2010)

Six teenagers get a text from Asuka to meet at midnight in the school. This is odd since she died 49 days ago when she jumped off the roof. Apparently parents no longer have an issue with kids going out late at night because they walk into the unlocked school as requested. 

When midnight strikes, a girl wearing a rat head comes into the room and says it’s time for revenge. Through flashbacks we discover Asuka made the rat head for a dance she wanted everyone to do. This was a special thing to do together since they’d be graduating soon. But the other kids didn’t care and blew her off.

While everyone is trying to figure out what is going on, the rat head girl holds up a sign that say, “let’s start the vengeance.” Everyone scatters and attempts to survive the night.

Is it worth watching?  If you want to see someone in a rat head killing kids, then I guess so.  

What could go wrong when summoned by a deceased friend?

I love that she says squeak before the carnage

Do Asian schools normally allow kids access to the roof?

I’m not sure if it’s scarier to have to read it.

Tooth Fairy: Queen of Pain (2022)

Oh tooth fairy, previously you said it was the last extraction, but here you are again.  Five teachers bring four students - referred to as special - to a farm for the weekend. Why do they need so many teachers for so few children?  When one of the kids says they see someone in the woods, the teachers brush it off saying the kids have never been out of the city. Are the teachers special as well?

The first night, the adults want to head to the pub.  Sammy, who has forearm crutches, says she’ll stay with the kids.  Once the kids are in bed, there’s a knock at the door. Sammy hobbles to the entryway and hears an odd voice says she’s collecting for children’s charity.  Sammy finds it odd they’d be collecting at night and isn’t interested.  Yet she also keeps engaging with the stranger and tells her to come back tomorrow. Get some boundaries, Sammy. 

The creepy lady keeps coming back and manages to gets past the outside door.  She asks to use the phone and if children are in the home. The most surprising aspect of these interactions is Sammy doesn’t notice the woman’s messed up face or call the police.  Sammy is a little light in the belfry since all she does it text Neil and wait for her doom.

Several times there are newscasts about escapees from an asylum. Yet this weirdo with the odd voice, creepy face, and questionable requests doesn’t prompt any urgency to contact the police.  When Sammy says someone has been knocking, asking about the children and she thinks they’re in the house, the others wonder if she made it up. Why would she? No good decisions are made by this group. 

The characters aren’t particularly likable.  Neil is a wink wink flirty type of guy who appears to like Sammy, but then gets overly friendly with Ellen at the pub.  Ellen keeps buying drinks for Kim, even though she says she doesn’t want them. Kim says she doesn’t drink but is sucking them, down showing she has a high tolerance for alcohol.  And then there is Jeff, a miserable grump who complains about everything.

Ridiculous dialogue from some dullards:

Jessie thought she saw someone watching us in the woods.

That’s the problem. These kids have never been out of the city.

Where is Jeff anyway?

Jeff? I don’t know. Probably taking a dump or something.

Someone is in the house?  Why I must text my roommate.

Sammy is not alarmed at the strangers jacked up face.

They look joyous, but this is from the killers point of view.

Jeff being his usual glowering self

The door is barely tall enough for a teen to walk through

The disturbing soapy butt shot that appears like he
either has horrible cellulite or a skin disease.

The Last Radio Call (2022)

Police Officer David Serling is called to the abandoned Yorktown Hospital and finds the door wide open. He and his partner enter but then split up to investigate and David disappears.

One year later, his wife Sarah hires a film crew to make a documentary on her search to discover what really happened to David. The police haven’t been helpful. His supervisor resigned one month after his disappearance without ever talking to her or releasing information. Does he have control over that?

Sarah wants the film crew to follow her while she tracks down her husbands movements.  She starts by going to the houses of his supervisor, who isn’t interesting in dealing with her.  Then she visits his partner, who escaped the hospital without injury. Well, he seems to have terrible PTSD, but Sarah ignores that.  Her whole tactic of getting information is flawed.  Instead of trying to appeal to their humanity, she immediately antagonizes them by being aggressive and rude. It does not go well.

Usually a woman who’s husband disappeared would be a sympathetic character, but Sarah is not. She tends to be sarcastic, condescending, and angry.  She’s also kind of an idiot.  When someone calls to say they have info about her husband and to come alone, she brings the film crew with her.  Later she shows up at a shaman’s house with the cameras running.  If you’re trying to get information from people, ask if you can film. Because when you start filming them without their consent, they already know they can’t trust you. And why would they help you after that?

The shaman asked her to bring a personal item of Davids, and she chooses his police radio.  The last thing I would think of as a personal item would be something from work. But it turns out to be convenient for the plot since soon we hear a voice coming through the radio. I couldn’t help but think what if she brought one of his shoes. 

Sarah’s idiocy rises to the surface again when during the ceremony,  she grabs the radio when she hears the voice and starts shouting into it. Thus interrupting the ritual and destroying any hope of getting information. This all leads to Sarahs’s last resort being going back to the hospital in a last ditch effort to find her husband. Oh Sarah, what will we do with you.

The many moods of Sarah

Getting ready to meet someone who has info

Waking up is the most emotional part of Sarah’s day

Visiting the Shaman

Heading to where her husband disappeared

The dust free tapes and tape recorder

Finding her missing bloody soaked husband

Realizing something may be amiss

Finally reacting when the cameraman takes off