Raptor (2001)

When three kids in a jeep are slaughtered, Sheriff Jim Tanner calls in animal control officer Barbara Phillips. Phillips wears a confusing outfit with a shirt that is half unbuttoned and has a patch on the arm that seems to be military rather than animal control.  She's not sure what type of animal killed the kids, so they head off to think about what it could have been.

Meanwhile at the old factory across town, Dr. Hyde is berating his employees for letting one of their raptors escape.  Until 12 years ago when there was an incident, Hyde was funded by the US military. Now he's receiving help from Pakistan, for what ends I have no idea. Is the country going to wage war using dinosaurs? Who knows. It's never clear.

Tanner has a rule that no one in the Sheriffs office should ever go on a call without back up. Yet everyone does and it always ends badly.  This leads to Tanner and Phillips being taken prisoner when they go to investigate the factory.  Unfortunately for them, this is also the time that the US military decides to go in and destroy the factory to cover up what Hyde has been doing as they don't want any leaks that reveal they used to fund him. Hilarity ensues. No, no it doesn't.

Actually it's pretty boring overall. When I was looking for into on the movie, I read that footage from other Roger Corman movies was used in this one, which would explain a lot about why this feels so disjointed.

 I wonder how real marines feel when they watch movies like this where marines are called in and they are total dolts.  It must be really frustrating.  Although there is a hilarious scene in which the marines are being given instructions on their mission that are so vague they have no idea what they are seeking.  So we take out the genetically engineered thing that is dangerous? But what is it?

Uncle Sam (1996)

Three years after being shot down over Kuwait, the body of Jody's Uncle Sam is returned home for burial.  Jody is a patriotic kid who idolizes his uncle, even though his mother does not share this fondness and is unnerved by memories of her violent brother Sam.

Oddly enough the family follows the old time practice of putting the body in the living room of their house for viewing, rather than in a funeral parlor.  The first night, Sam rises from his coffin, goes outside, and kills a guy on stilts in an Uncle Sam costume who was peeping in windows looking at girls.  Peeping is not patriotic.

The next day everyone heads to the fourth of July festival downtown, including Sam.  He's going to make people pay for their disrespect.

There's nothing special about this, except that off the top of my head I can't think of anther fourth of July horror movie.

Octopus 2: River of Fear (2001)

Something is killing people in New York harbor.  The police don't have any clues. Nick sees an empty liquor bottle near the pier and decides that someone must have witnessed the deaths.  No one shall ask why that couldn't be trash from earlier in the day.

Nick and his partner go into the subterranean tunnels under the city and find a man who claims the killer was an octopus. But that's ridiculous and he's drunk, so they leave it alone.

Meanwhile the mayor wants to know how close they are to solving the murders because thousands of people will be coming to the city for independence day.  We can't have those pesky murders ruining peoples holiday.

After doing some questionable research, Nick decides an octopus could actually be the culprit.  Nick's octopus theory makes him the butt of jokes throughout the precinct and even his partner thinks he's nuts.  Well, until he gets caught by the octopus at the next diving job and it crushes the life out of him.

Now that Nick's seen it with his own eyes, he tries to get Rachel from the mayors office to do something to protect the tourists coming to town.  But the mayor doesn't care, and Rachel gives up knowing that she's not getting anywhere if she's telling him a giant octopus is going to ruin the celebration.  So she does the only think she knows how to do - she takes a short bus full of handicapped kids into the city through an underground tunnel. Good god Rachel!  What were you thinking? There's a killer octopus on the loose!

While this isn't that great a movie, it's kind of fun.  Watch for the old woman who drives into the tunnel ahead of the short bus.  She's like a character right out of SCTV, with Andrea Martin playing the role to comedic perfection.

Star Hunter (1996)

When the team bus is full, three bench warmers and two cheerleaders are forced to take the short bus home with the principal, Mrs. March.  They get lost and end up in the bad part of town, where the only pay phone is making a weird buzzing noise. So they decide to look for a building with lights on where someone might have a phone they can use.

Most of the neighborhood seems to be deserted, but in the only lit building they meet Reicher, a blind man who has a collection of weapons on his wall.  He's very hospitable and tells them to get something to eat while he calls a taxi for them.  What they don't know is that he's one of the Star Hunters and they are about to become the game.

Star Hunters work in pairs, where one is the lure and the other the killer. No one shall ask how Reicher got the job as the lure since he is blind and they had to enter his building and shout to get his attention.  The killer wears a suit that looks similar to the Predator but appears to actually be the Saurod costume from Masters of the Universe.

When a couple of the kids find a collection of heads in Reichers bathroom, the game is on.  As they flee for their lives, they find that there is a force field around the neighborhood and their wits are the only thing that will keep them alive. Unfortunatly most of them aren't that bright. But on the plus side, another alien possesses the stoner kid to try to keep everyone safe. Unfortunatly he doesn't do a very good job.

The killer has a suit that can regenerate and repair any injuries to the Star Hunter.  He also has something similar to a large flip phone that he gets reports from the lure. The primitive graphics show the lures face while he quotes the passage of time in keyless - whatever that equals - and tells the killer how many people are left to kill.

The strangest scene in the movie is when two of the kids manage to escape and head to the police station to report that their friends have been murdered. Now I know they are talking about aliens which is stupid, but they're also reporting a murder.  So you'd think the police would take that part seriously enough to investigate. But they're skeptical because no one in the neighborhood has reported anything. Yes, because no one has ever been murdered without multiple people reporting a ruckus.

This is one tedious movie.  The sad thing is that it has Stella Stevens and Roddy McDowell in it. They deserve better.

Santa's Summer House (2012)

A van full of tourists heading to a resort drive through a bank of fog - which apparently was too expensive to reproduce digitally or in real life. The fog disorients the driver and they end up at the mansion of an older couple who offers them cookies and a place to stay for the night.  It seems like that would be the start to a horror movie, but it's actually a Christmas movie.

The older couple asks everyone to call them Nana and Pop. In reality they are Santa and Mrs. Clause and this is their summer home.  The characters staying at their home are a sleazy businessman, two bickering sisters and a disconnected couple with a teenage son.

As their guests act nasty or ignore each other, Santa tries to teach everyone a lesson about appreciating what they have and being supportive of those you love.

Perhaps a child would like this film, but it's really difficult to sit through. If you like to watch people play croquet, then you may enjoy about ten minutes of the film. The mansion will be familiar to anyone who's seen one the 1313 films done by David Decoteau.

The most interesting thing about this film is that there are four former b-movie action stars in the cast, including the most well known, Cynthia Rothrock as Ms. Clause.

The Last Shark (1981)

aka Great White

When a wind surfer disappears and his board is found bitten in half, a writer and a boat captain realize that there is a killer shark in the area. They ask the mayor to close the beaches, but there's a wind surfing regatta coming up. So safety be damned! This town needs tourism and that regatta is going to bring in a ton of money.  Needless to say, when the brightly colored sails are all over the harbor, carnage ensues.

This is a Jaws rip off. From the mayor who won't listen about the danger in the water, to the boat captain just like Quint, or the protagonists children being in the water when the shark makes his appearance. It's all right out of Jaws, but nowhere as good.

Mother Krampus (2017)

aka 12 Deaths of Christmas

When Vanessa's husband leaves her, she goes to stay with her father and brings her daughter Amy with her.  A number of children have recently disappeared from town, but Vanessa doesn't seem worried. Neither does Amy, who is perfectly fine being approached by a dirty woman wearing a black cloak and holding out candy in her filthy hand.  Amy confirms her nonfunctioning brain stem status when she sees the same woman holding a cat outside her home and opens the door, never considering this could be a problem.

Years ago a number of children disappeared from town and were found murdered in the woods.  The parents believed the murderer was a local woman. Taking a page from the Freddy Kreuger origin story, they decide to mete out vigilante justice.   Before they strung her up, the woman cursed them all.  Now that children have started to disappear again, people wonder if the curse is true. Guess what? It is.

If you're expecting a Krampus of any kind, you'll be disappointed because this is a witch who eats children.  But hey, that won't sell it to the Christmas horror crowd, so slap a Krampus on it and it will sell itself.

The most distracting thing about Mother Krampus is that with the cloak over her head and dark areas around her eyes, she reminded me of Brain Guy from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Into the Dark: Pooka (2018)

I hadn't heard of this movie until my friends showed me the trailer.  We all decided we had to watch it as it looked insane.

Wilson moves to Los Angeles to get a fresh start. While at a coffee shop, he spots an ad for an audition. The experience is strange and unnerving. But he gets the job which turns out to be dressing up like a new toy called Pooka.

With this new job, Wilson's life seems to turn around. He starts dating a woman that he really likes and bonds with her son.  Pooka is a hit and children love him.

But there is a dark side.  He becomes way too attached to the Pooka suit and starts wearing it when he's not working.  Sometimes Pooka seems to do things on his own, when Wilson isn't even around.  And most disturbingly, Wilson seems to be losing track of time and seems easily angered.

This is really good and while I enjoyed it, I wasn't so keen on the ending.  But I would definitely recommend it.  There's some good humor and some really creepy scenes. Plus I love that Pooka's eyes appear to be made of car headlights.  Currently it's only available on Hulu.

Krampus Unleashed (2016)

The film opens in the late 1800s where a group of treasure hunters looking for gold unearths a box with a strange rock. Messing with the rock awakens Krampus and carnage ensues.

After Krampus sends them to their maker, we quickly cut to present day where a family is going to visit grandma and grandpa for Christmas.  Unfortunately they live in Arizona so  there's no Christmas to be had except for a few lights.

Grandma and grandpa seems nice, but their kids have grown up differently. One is kind and has a nice family. The other is condescending and has a jerk family.    The males in the family go out to pan for gold down at the creek, and end up finding an interesting rock.  And once again, some poor idiots have awakened the Krampus.

Watch for the worst 911 operator in the world. Someone calls for help after their boyfriend is murdered.  She relays this info to the cops as if the woman said she's seen a bigfoot in her back yard.

Also check out the heads mounted on the wall in the living room. While listening to Grandpa tell his grandson about hunting them, you'll notice something odd about the heads on the wall.  They're all  obviously plastic.  Hilarity ensues.

This is low budget and not very entertaining. Half the characters are totally unlikeable and you'll keep wishing some would get punched in the throat.  Also people seem to be getting sunburned in this movie. Either that or their color is off because their heads are way too red for it to be natural.

The most annoying thing about this film is that it opens with an off key version of Let It Snow.  The  vocals are in a completely different key than the music. How did this happen? Were the people who made it tone deaf? It's mind bogglingly uncomfortable to hear.

Slice (2018)

Pizza delivery guys are being murdered in a city where ghosts and people live together in an uneasy truce. One of the main suspects is a werewolf on a scooter who used to deliver chinese takeout, and the pizza place in town might be a portal to hell. With a premise such as that you'd think this would be great. But it's not.

This is one of those films where the comedy falls so flat that you find yourself asking your friends, "Okay, that line was supposed to be funny, right? Because it feels like that's how they intended it, but none of us are laughing."  Is it the delivery, the writing, the tone of the film, or all of the above? There are almost no laughs to be had, which is a shame since Paul Sheer is in this film. He's the best part of this, but even he can't save this one.

Puppet Master: the Littlest Reich (2018)

In this reboot of the puppet master franchise, comic book store worker Edgar has to move in with his parents after a messy divorce.  When he finds a creepy doll in a box in his brothers room, Edgar figures out it may have value since it was made by Andre Toulon, a creepy Nazi whose dolls murdered people.

Edgar, along with girlfriend Ashley and his boss Markowitz, head to a hotel where there is a Toulon Murder convention. He's hoping to make some money by selling the doll at auction.

With a hotel full of guests with Toulon puppets to sell, things go horribly wrong. Puppets start disappearing and people start dying.  The police are called in and aren't much help. But to be fair, how do you train to fight murderous Nazi puppets.

I'm not a fan of the Puppet Master franchise and was hesitant when a friend wanted to watch this. But it has Thomas Lennon. Barbara Crampton, and Michael Pare in it, so those are positives.  Surprisingly I enjoyed this more than the other films. People who are fans of the previous Puppet Master films will probably have an issue with this since they've made Toulon a Nazi. Also the puppets don't have personalities. They are just little killing machines and they target any group that Nazis dislike.

It seems like there may have been big hunks of the script edited out because there are things that just come out of nowhere or go nowhere. An example is the relationship between Edgar and Ashley.  She's the younger sister of someone he grew up with and hasn't seen him in years. They take a short walk together and catch up. Next thing you know she comes into the comic book shop and kisses him. Wait, are they dating? When'd that happen?  How'd that happen?

When they go to the convention, they've upgraded from dating to being a couple and even say they love each other. WHAT?!? What is going on? How much time has passed since they met? Are they horribly codependent? Or has a long period of time passed and the movie hasn't let us in on this?  It's completely confusing.

Also there is never an explanation of what happened to Edgar's brother. Based on the photos in his room, the brother died when he was in high school. Edgar mentions his brother died in an accident, but there's no context and it's never mentioned again. I thought for sure that was going to have some significance later in the film. Or did I miss something? I did drift off a bit at one point.

The end of the film could stand on it's own, but there is a to be continued in the last scene. I'd watch the next one based on this.

Gonjiam Haunted Asylum (2018)

A paranormal investigation team that has a YouTube channel called Horror Times decides to investigate Gonjiam Asylum, which is on CNN's list of seven freakiest places in the world.  They have a contest to pick a few other young people to join them on their investigation.  They are planning on broadcasting their exploration live and want to hit 300,000 viewers to make it a very profitable venture.

They sneak onto the grounds of the abandoned asylum and set up a tent as home base.  Ha-joon is in charge so he stays in the tent to make sure the transmission is going okay and to monitor the number of viewers.  The others go in and investigate.

The investigation starts slow but things build as the night goes on.  The climax of the investigation is going to be opening room 402 which has been closed for years. Many people have tried to open it, but none have succeeded.  The movie opens with a couple of teenage boys who taped themselves trying to get in. The footage was found after they disappeared.

There's nothing new about this, but it's not bad. It's a slow burn so don't expect constant scares.

I was worried about the camera work because many found footage films make me nauseous but you need to keep watching because there are subtitles. So what the hell am I going to do if I start feeling sick?  Thankfully once they started exploring, the camerawork straightened out.  This is something that more found footage films should realize. Just because you can shake the camera around like an idiot, doesn't mean you should do it.

It Came From the Desert (2017)

Motocross winner Lukas, his mechanic Brian, and their friend Lisa head out into the desert for a kegger to celebrate Lukas winning a big race.  Brian has a crush on Lisa, but doesn't have the confidence to let her know.  After he sees a motocross racer hits on her, he feels like he's blown his chance and wanders off from the party.

When Lukas finds him, they discover a nearby tunnel in the bottom of a canyon and head down to check it out. They end up at a recently abandoned military base and decide to explore.

Brian wants to err on the side of caution, but thrill seeker Lukas keeps exploring so Brian goes along with him.  Soon they are trapped in the underground building by giant ants and more ants are on the loose heading towards the party.

While not anything special, it's fun enough to watch.  There are stupid decisions made, but you don't hate the main characters and Lisa is smarter than a lot of female characters.

Lavalatula (2015)

I've never been a Steve Guttenberg fan, and this movie doesn't change that. Guttenberg is action star Colton West who leaves the set of his latest film when he gets in an argument with the director.  Colton is stuck in traffic on the freeway when there is an earthquake which unleashes tarantulas that spit lava. Hooray!

When he gets home, his wife tells him that his son has gone into the city.  Colton tells his wife to get to safety and goes to search for his son.  With the family split up, we've got three different stories to follow as they all try to survive the lava spiders.

This is essentially Sharknado with lava filled spiders, except it's not as interesting.  I do like movies with a combination of ridiculous things, but Guttenberg is not the best choice for a leading man. Nia Peeples would have been a better choice for the lead.

WNUF Halloween Special (2013)

Presented as a home video recording of the October 31, 1987 Halloween broadcast by tv channel WNUF, the movie starts with a local news show, complete with anchors in Halloween costumes, segments on Halloween safety, and sporadic reports from reporter Frank Stewart.  Stewart is going to be doing a live broadcast later on from the Webber Mansion. The home has been empty since the Webbers were murdered by their son, who claimed a demonic presence made him kill after he accidentally contacted the entity through a ouija board.

Joining Stewart are a husband and wife team of paranormal investigators, as well as a priest.   The group sets up inside the mansion and conducts a seance where viewers can call in and ask questions. As expected, they get a number of prank calls. My favorite was the one where someone screams, "Iron Maiden rules! White Lion sucks!" where I misheard the first part as, "I'm eating rolls!"

Things go wrong during the seance and there seems to be a malevolent presence in the house. The whole thing seems to be spiraling out of control when Frank and the priest get locked in the basement by someone or something unknown. I don't want to give too any details about what happens after this in case you plan on watching it.

The faux local commercials are spot on and so are the cringeworthy jokes and banter between the anchors.  I absolutely loved the commercial for an 80s hair metal compilation. They've done a fantastic job of making it look like it was actually a tape of an 80s broadcast. In fact, if I had found a VHS of this at a flea market and it had a hand written label, I would have thought it was authentic until I saw how the movie ended.

The film was actually copied multiple times from VHS to VHS to give it the authentic feel of a generated bootleg tape.  As a former tape trader,  the fuzzy video brought me back to the time where I obsessively traded tapes and would have traded for something like this.

What I didn't like was that the first half hour is the local news.  Sure it's spot on, but it wasn't that interesting and we almost bailed on watching the rest since nothing was really happening.  And while I liked the commercials, there were too many of them and sometimes it was frustrating.  It seemed like some of them repeated also.

Overall an effective and fun throwback, but unfortunately they will probably lose a lot of viewers during the opening half hour newscast since they've done such a good job that it's actually like watching some random towns local news.

Killer Fish (1979)

A group of jewel thieves blow up a factory to distract authorities from their heist. Since they know police will be searching anyone they meet in the area, the group throws the loot in a reservoir to avoid being caught. Unbeknownst to them, the mastermind behind the jewel heist has filled the lake with piranhas so that no one can sneak back to double cross him and grab the jewels.

In a side plot, a model and her photographer arrive for a photo shoot and end up cavorting with one of the jewel thieves. Through a serious of coincidences, everyone ends up stuck on a marooned ship in the piranha filled reservoir. Close enough to shore to be enticing, terrified enough of the piranhas to think twice about swimming for it. You'd think they'd band together to try to survive, but there's always some jag off who is only in it for himself. Piranha carnage ensues.

I've wanted to see this for a long time since it's about deadly fish and it stars Lee Majors, but it's not very good.  You're much better off watching Piranha. 

Initiation: Silent Night, Deadly Night 4 (1990)

Kim has a new job working at a newspaper.  When she hears about a woman who may have spontaneously combusted when she fell off a building, Kim decides to do a story on it.  The problem is that Kim is a classified ad writer, and she doesn't seem to understand that just because you have an idea, doesn't mean you get to run with it if you're not hired to do that job.

Kim gets mad at her reporter boyfriend Hank when he is assigned the story she wanted.  But nothing is going to keep our intrepid classified ad writer from doing that story.

While investigating, she wanders into a bookstore near the death scene and buys a book on spontaneous combustion. The bookstore owner Fima gives her a free book, invites her to a picnic, and offers her a bowl of dates.  Kim partakes of this free food because she hasn't eaten lunch, while I'm left wondering why a bookstore would be offering bowls of food to it's patrons.

Since I happened to be watching the movie with a friend who owns a bookstore, I asked her if she would start offering dates to her customers. She looked at me like I was crazy and said "Of course not. They're sticky."  So there you have it. If a bookstore offers you dates, be incredibly suspicious.

The next day, Kim goes to the picnic and ends up sitting on a blanket with Fima and two other women. It's really weird and Kim is way too blasé about this intimate little event.  She falls asleep on their blanket and then Hank shows up unexpectedly because she should be at work.

As the bookstore women get more involved in Kim's life, she seems to get more and more crazy. And the viewer is left wondering what this has to do with Christmas or the Silent Night, Deadly Night franchise. The answer is nothing. This is about witches and because there are a couple scenes with Christmas trees, they've slapped this title on it because that is how to get people to watch it. It worked  on us.

The worst thing about this movie is there is no joy to it.  It's just plain gross and you'll feel icky when it ends.  You'll wish you hadn't watched it because it's not fun at all.