Burning Bright (2010)

What’s that? The movie is about two kids trapped in a house with a tiger, while there is a hurricane coming. Wasn’t the tiger enough?

Kelly brings her autistic younger brother Tom to an institution so he can be cared for while she goes away to college. When they inform her the check bounced, she calls the bank and finds out the account was closed by her stepfather.  Kelly’s mother, who is deceased, put the money in the account so it could be used for Toms care.

When Kelly goes back home to confront her stepfather and demand the money back, she finds out he’s already used spent it. He bought a tiger and is going to open a safari park. The tiger is his show piece and the seller told him it’s an evil killing machine. 

But enough of this tiger business, here’s a hurricane coming and the windows and doors on the house are being reinforced with plywood.  Tom and Kelly head off to sleep, while her stepfather tries to figure out it what to do with the tiger.

When Kelly wakes up in the middle of the night, she finds she and Tom are trapped inside the house. Then she see the tiger walk by the stairs and panic sets in.  Imagine how afraid she’d be if she knew the tiger hadn’t eaten in two weeks.  

The rest of the film is the kids trying to stay alive and figure out how to get out of the house. Well, only Kelly is doing any of the thinking and hoping Tom can manage to keep quiet.  The tiger can break through walls, doors, whatever is in it’s way seems to crumble in front of it.  They did an okay job with tension, but you don’t have to worry too much because usually big budget movies don’t kill children. 

The Orphanage (2013)

Aka Milwood

After his parents are killed in an accident, Nathan is placed an orphanage.  The first day he throws jello in the face of a bully and head master Mr. Clemons tells Nathan he’s lucky they don’t lock him up since this could be considered assault. There is obviously an issue with Mr. Clemons.

Nathan is yelled at, scoffed at, and told he’d better not mess up. The kid just lost both his parents, his home, and his friends. So this is not so much an orphanage, but something out of Oliver Twist. He’s getting no counseling or any sort of compassion. The things he’s doing are minor, such as doodling in class or leaving his room at night, but the staff go ballistic on the poor kid.

The only one who treats him well is Judy, who is supposed to evaluate him.  But Mr. Clemons decides he doesn’t need her input and throws Nathan into B ward, which is for troubled children.   Nathan doesn’t want to be in B ward.  Nobody wants to be in Ward B. The kids in A ward says the place is haunted, plus the kids in B seem totally out of it. 

It’s never clear why the staff are so hostile or what is really going on. What do they get from harming the children? Why is no help offered to a child who just lost his parents? Why did they hire Judy to do evaluations when she is a caring person and everyone else is abusive? Wouldn’t it have been better to hire someone on the same page who wants to destroy children? When the Department of Family Services comes to check on Nathan, why don’t they actually check in on him? They walk the grounds with Mr. Clemons, but never talk to or even see Nathan.  

At first I thought this was going to be a rip off of Guillermo del Toro’s The Devils Backbone.  It starts so similarly. A child in an orphanage which is supposed to be haunted and has an abusive staff. Then the child wanders down to the pool at night and is surrounded by creepy children.  Argh! Ghosts!  Nope, there’s nothing haunted about this place. It’s just a bunch of horrible adults who, for reasons never explained, are all okay with abusing and murdering children.

Dead End Demon (2017)

Whenever a movie starts with a bible quote, I know I’m in trouble. The movie quickly introduces three characters and it’s not clear who they are or how they are related in the context of the story. A woman is attacked and shows up at what I thought was the police station - even though it’s a woman in an office and no one was wearing uniforms.  Then they mention someone is off on assignment in Seattle and I think okay, they’re reporters. Nope, they’re detectives and the person on assignment is the daughter of a detective. Totally confusing.

The story revolves around serial killer Cameron Crowe who was picked on in grade school. Fourteen years later, he found the bullies and killed them. Plus apparently he shot up a school and killed some innocent kids. 

Reporter Tina, who he had a crush on, figured out where he lived, broke into his house, and stabbed him with his own machete. What the hell? How is this woman not in jail? No explanation is offered.   Cameron was declared officially dead, even though there was no solid evidence the body was his since they had to “pick it up with a shovel.”  

Now it’s Halloween and the killer has returned. Is it Cameron?   You won’t care.  The movie kind of rips off Halloween even down to the music, but has nothing new to offer and isn’t very interesting.  Although it’s sometimes funny how the music abruptly stops as they transition scenes.

Dialogue that should have had ADR or been reshot:

Don’t you think you’re being a bit haste?

The unconvincing limping scene

There are three people in this shot.

Wreck (2020)

Mercifully short movie about a middle aged woman on a mission to deliver a briefcase whose partner accidentally crashes the car and dies. She’s left in the woods with her foot stuck under the wreck.  Her cranial functioning is limited since she spends several days lying there without making any effort to escape.

It should be an easy fix. The car is in the woods, the ground is dirt, and dirt can be dug with your hands, a stick, anything in your pocket, or the shoe on your free foot. Yet she lies there hoping someone will help her.  

At one point it rains and the ground gets muddy, which would make it easier to get her foot out. But still no thoughts of escape infiltrate her brain. As time passes, she even contemplates cutting off her foot rather than using the knife to loosen the dirt around her foot.  I wish I were joking about that.

After a few days, she makes a slight effort to escape and this is when the monster shows up. What monster, you ask?  The one that looks like it’s made out of those fuzzy foot shaped rugs from the 1970s. It’s a very silly looking monster and would more be confusing than scary.  

When she does manage to get out from under the car, she runs off as if her foot is absolutely fine. Not even a slight limp on this human wonder.  Her brain’s not great, but that foot must be made out of iron since there’s no injury or any issue with circulation after being crushed for two days.

There is a lot of padding in this film. Many scenes go nowhere or have awkward transitions to show a passage of time. And just when you think she can’t get any worse, she tries to hide in the basement of a barn and turns on the light.  Hiding 101 is never turn on the light if you don’t want to be found. 

Whatever will she do. How can she ever get out.

Still stuck. Maybe foot removal is the answer. 

Monster!… or a rug or a muppet

Psycho Scarecrow (1996)

 Five teens go to an old farmhouse to party for the weekend. When their car breaks down, they cut through the cornfield to get to the house.  There is a legend that the settlers of the area were refugees from the Salem witch trials and the cornfield protects those who protect it. Plus something about Satan which I can’t remember because I was confused about the witch refugees.

The story is told via narration on a tape recording made by one of the teens before she plummeted to her death from a high rise.  The police figure this out when they find a running tape recorder on her bed. Did she kill herself or was she murdered? Maybe the tape will tell them. 

However what they find is a long story, complete with useless narrative, such as “Floyd told us he was lost. Of course, he was only joking,” or “I was so relieved when we got to the other side. I promised myself I’d never walk through another cornfield.”   Someone in fear for their life would probably leave the mundane observations out of it.

At the farm, the teens have a campfire and cookout, and one couple goes off on their own.  Floyd, who likes taking photos, takes their picture as they’re making out and half undressed.  This causes Eric to beat creeper Floyd up and leave him in the cornfield.  When the others insist on going  back to make sure he’s okay, they find Floyd dead. Fearful of getting in trouble, Eric decides they need to get rid of the body and never speak of it again.  Oddly enough this involves putting Floyd in the cornfield as a scarecrow with a pumpkin on his head.  Sigh.  

And just like that somehow we’ve got a demented killer scarecrow on the loose looking for revenge. Plus two cops investigating either a suicide or murder, depending on which cop is speaking.  There is so much narration in this movie that I wonder if it didn’t make sense and this was a way to explain what was going on. 

While it’s not a great movie, it’s so much better than the crappy movies from recent years I’ve been watching. There is definitely more entertainment to older low budget bad movies, than recent horror which is just plain bad.  Sometimes enjoyment is relative. If I watch this after a good movie, it’s going to seem really bad. But if I watch this after recent low budget movies, it would seem like Casablanca. 

Ridiculous dialogue

I ain’t got no imagination. I’m jut a cop doing his job.

You’re a piece of work with your quick promotion and your fancy shoes.

This isn’t funny anymore.

Anyone who wears flip up glasses is a douche

Is this really the way to the farmhouse? There’s no road

They left the top down all night. Condensation must
be inside as well as outside

CGI pumpkin head goon on a motorcycle

No pumpkin has ever been this shape.

Conjuring the Genie (2020)

Aka Evil Genie; aka Devil Djinn

Journalism student Morgan stopped going to school after her dads death.  She returns after a friend urges her to start going to lectures, but her professor doubts she can make up three months of missed work.  Morgan asks for help in getting caught up and the professor decides if she writes a paper about an urban legend, he’ll consider that completion of the past work.  

For a journalism major, Morgan doesn’t seem to know much about research. She looks online for an urban legend for her project. At that point I must have lost consciousness because for the life of me I have no idea how she and her friends ended up doing a genie summoning ritual with a guy named Daniel they didn’t know, and who disappears when things get weird.  Did everyone see that rubber faced genie? Yup, but they shrug it off and go back to their lives.

Unfortunately the genie wants their souls, which requires them to make a wish.  And in true monkeys paw fashion, the wish is going to go horribly wrong.  While everyone else’s wish is going sideways, Morgan wishes for her dad to come back. He seems fine after three months of death.  He doesn’t even look bad. They later find that Morgans wish is working because she held the amulet during the ritual. However if she doesn’t recant her wish, all her friends wishes will go very wrong.  Will Morgan recant? Will all her friends turn into weird monsters with no souls?  Will we care?

This isn’t a great movie. The genie is wearing a rubber mask. His mouth never moves when he talks.  Leah, who told a guy she casually dated she was pregnant as a way to keep dating him, wishes she were actually pregnant. Wouldn’t it be a better to wish he loved you? A pregnancy without love is an obligation and she’s on borrowed time until he meets someone else.

Then there is the girl whose hairdresser says she doesn’t have what it takes to be a model. She wishes to be perfect and turns into this doll with a cracked face. What happened? How is that perfection?  It doesn’t make sense.  But I guess it’s a wishing demon so hurrah!

I don’t know what this is supposed to be but I like it

The rubber mask of the wishing genie. What is that in the
upper left? It sort of crept into the frame. Is it a camera lens?
A flood light? What is it?

Ghosts of Amityville (2018)

 Aka Amityville: Mt. Misery Road; aka Mt. Misery Road

After the credits are shown on a static shot of a street sign, we get a few paragraphs of text about Mt. Misery Road which is considered cursed. Then we abruptly segue to Florida where a middle aged man named Charlie drives a sports car and and picks up his mail.  We watch him open his mail in real time.  Doing things in real time is a theme in this film.  

Charlie is dating Buzi, a foreign woman half his age. Buzi is pronounced boojee. When I saw the name Buzi in the credits, I thought it must be an animal.  Charlie shoots tons of footage of trophy girlfriend Buzi. The footage smacks of someone who is always saying, “Hey guys, look who I’m dating, huh? Huh?” 

When a friend sends photos of orbs taken at Mt. Misery Road, Charlie and Buzi go online and do research on the subject. They’re ghost enthusiasts and are super excited to go on vacation to New York to visit Mt. Misery Road.  We watch in real time as they google Mt. Misery and read some web sites.

They make an appointment with a local historian and are excited - another theme of the film - to talk to him about the legend, his books, and various creatures that are said to prowl the woods.  When they meet, the historian tells them in no uncertain terms he has no interest in discussing his book or the legend. He’s only there to warn them not to go since a high percentage of people disappear in the woods.  No matter what the guy says, Charlie ups his irritation quotient as he keeps asking about ghosts, creatures, the legend, and ignoring any warnings about his own safety. 

Charlie is disappointed in the historians negativity about their trip, but decides to go anyway. After all, they’ve traveled all the way from Florida and put in too much time and money.  I have no idea how much time Charlie put into this, but it can’t be that much unless he’s counting the time they spent googling Mt. Misery. It should be pretty simple since they already know where they want to go and what they want to do.

The rest of the film is the two of them driving to Mt. Misery and walking through the woods.  They marvel at the slightest things. Ooo it’s a small patch of snow.  Ooo it’s a ravine!  Ooo it’s a cross hanging from a tree.  Ooo it’s cement so it must be the foundation of the old asylum.  Ooo there’s more cement so that must be the entrance.  I guess they should get credit for their positive attitudes since they’re excited at everything they see and think everything is amazing.

This is basically a two person vanity project. I’d guess ninety five percent of the credits are Charlie and Buzi, who are married in real life. I’m not sure why they opted to be dating in the movie.  There doesn’t seem to be any script and most of the film is padding. It was filmed on a cell phone so good for them, I guess, since they didn’t invest a lot of money into this  I’m not sure if Buzi was nervous because she laughs all the time, even though nothing funny is going on.  Also not sure why they opted to have a scene where Buzi gets up in the middle of the night and pees in the dark with the door open. No one needs to see that or the bedroom scene. 

The movie has absolutely nothing to do with Amityville, and uses the name to sucker people into watching it. Because who would watch this otherwise, except family and friends of the protagonists? I’m contributing to this trend of filmmakers slapping Amityville on their movies to get views since I’m randomly watching anything with the Amityville name in it. Unlike some people who innocently wander in expecting the Amityville house, I knew what I was getting. So maybe that makes me the bigger fool since I’m aware it will be awful if the only way to sell it is add Amityville to the title.

Cringeworthy dialogue:

You’re going to be my little ghost hunter.

Hey that’s the beast that we saw on our computer.

We’re ghost enthusiasts.

I can’t wait to meet that historian guy.

Historian - Just don’t go into the woods.

Charlie - Are you saying it’s a dangerous place to go? (after repeatedly being told it was dangerous)

Historian - You have to be a certain level of stupid to walk in there at this point after everything I’ve told you.

Charlie - What could happen if we go in at night?

Charlie - I don’t know. He was very negative about us going to Mt. Misery…. We came all the way from  Florida to make this happen so let’s do this.

This place looks very, very spooky. (Said about an old house which had a neatly mowed lawn and didn’t look spooky at all)

There’s an old timer on a horse. Isn’t that cool, Buzi?

Charlie - Wow! Check this ravine out!

Buzi - Oh my god, it goes down!

Babe, babe come here. Babe come over here. Oh my god.

Charlie - It’s so cool that you found that.

Buzi - Let’s go find some more stuff.

That looks like the front entrance or something. (Said about a pile of broken cement.)

The same two names over and over

The amazing ravine. Wait until they find out
these are everywhere in the northern states

Did they direct him to sit under a light?  Yikes!

The orb photos that got them excited to go on this adventure

Chuck and Buzi

A pile of broken cement. That must be the entrance.

Buzi is amazed by the snow. Also she seems to be
wearing fuzzy pajama pants for a hike
into the woods, which is just odd.

Tooth Fairy 3: The Last Extraction (2021)

 The third installment of the tooth fairy saga appears to take place twenty to twenty five years after part two. Corey is now an adult and has a daughter Sally who will soon be eighteen and off to college.  Sally is annoyed because she and her best friend want to go away for the weekend with two boys. Corey will only allow the trip if he and one of the boys mothers chaperone, much to the teens dismay.

The two adults and four teens arrive in Wales and bring their bags into the house. The teens quickly go on a walk to get away from the adults and buy some alcohol. As the two boys get the booze, the girls are approached by a hobo with items for sale. They waive him off until Sally notices a filthy book under his arm and asks to see it.  Surprisingly Sally recognizes this book is about black magic and  includes the tooth fairy. Even more surprising, the hobo knows it’s dangerous, stopping her from reading the incantation and insisting that she only look at it, but never say it out loud. 

The first night, the kids are allowed to stay outside in tents, which begs the question why did the adults bother to chaperone?  The teens act as expected, by drinking, fooling around and reading from the black magic book. Sally knows when her father was younger, the tooth fairy sent him over the edge, yet she still allows herself to be pressured into reading the passage to call forth the monster. As expected, this works out poorly for everyone involved.

The scariest thing about this film is that it sets itself up for a sequel.   I half heartedly watched this junk thinking I’m completing a crappy trilogy and discover in the last scene that there’s more planned. ARGH!

Here is another movie where someone has a closeup, their mouth moves, yet no words come out.  Also vexing is the breakfast scene where they set out five plates for breakfast and only have five croissants.  None of them know Toby is missing yet. So where is his breakfast?

Questions abound.  Why does Corey use a full glass of mouthwash to gargle after brushing his teeth? Why would Benji go on vacation with a tooth that needed to be pulled? How does the hobo instantly recognize the book in the dumpster as a black magic book? Why would anyone wear platform shoes to walk through a field and into town? Why would anyone ever want to date Toby?  Were there no young looking adults who could pass for teens? Why is Benji always grimacing?

“Why is there a dead animal in the sink?” 
It’s supposed to be an animal???

It’s not a glass of juice. It’s mouthwash. 

What time period does this movie take place in? This is 17 years ago
and selfies weren’t really a thing 17 years ago

I think they are using this book in all their films 
since it has a leprechaun and mermaid in it

The teens - was there no one more age appropriate.

Benji grimacing and Toby being creepy, as usual

I find this shot interesting

He’s playing the teen, but if you did not know that, 
he could pass for a teens father

Actually like the see through eyes and nose 

Low rent Adam Scott as the psychiatrist

Scarecrows Revenge (2019)

 

Aka Vengeful Scarecrow; aka Scarecrow Vs. Vikings

Back in the 800s, a group of Vikings rescue a kidnapped woman from a rapist and banish him, rather than kill him, because as they repeatedly tell us, they aren’t savages. They drag him into the cursed corn field and tie him to a scarecrow. Well that’s just plain weird and isn’t he going to die? 

The rapist, who delivers his lines in a bad Peter Lorre imitation, is furious there are consequences for his actions. He escapes his bindings and teams up with a witch to pursue his goal of killing the king, his subjects,and destroying the village.  Basically this involves him becoming a demonic scarecrow.

Usually kings rule countries but this king rules a village with thatched huts. He also looks more like a hobo than a king, with his ratty tunic and dirty face.  

This movie is a tedious slog and there is minimal scarecrow in it. There was also no title card and I watched it under the name Vengeful Scarecrow.  The sword fighting is equivalent to pretending to sword fight with your friends.  The Vikings wear modern shoes, which is amusing, and everyone keeps touching the scarecrows hair. I don’t know why since it’s stringy and gross. There were only two things I enjoyed.  In one scene, the king speaks to his men and his lips move while no sound comes out.  Then there is the drone shot where it appears there are cars parked under the trees. 

No one would ever know these were supposed to be Vikings.

Ladies and Gentlemen, our king

There appear to be some cars parked under the trees,
the one in red being the clearest.

This is my favorite shot in the film

While I appreciate that low budget films have a limited budget,
this has no resemblance to blood

So some Vikings don’t wear pants?

Someone used the cover art from
Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark and a
different title to promote this film.

Red Woods (2021)

 A group of urban explorers heads into the woods to meet up with another group that previously went in. While walking they find a building that was recently burned. One of the team falls through the floor and onto a burned body. Instead of going back and getting the police, they decide to keep going because Cross’s brother Adam was with the first group. They also decide not to tell the others since they’ll freak out and want to leave.  So I guess they’ll deserve whatever happens to them.

The first night they camp in the woods and a guy named Devlin shows up. He brags about ripping off the EPA by applying for a grant to get free money to buy an expensive video camera for urbexing and Cross pulls a gun on him. Cross is into conspiracy theories but thinks it unethical to rip off the EPA.

Devlin also tells a creepy story about an insane kid who used the woods as a playground.  When Devlin disappears, his camera is left behind and they discover that he was in the first group with Cross’s brother Adam, and that he’s been taping them on their trek through the woods.

The group wants to leave but Cross won’t go without his brother. So they trek further into the woods and find some hillbillies and a crappy cabin. The group says somethings not right here and oh my god  they go into the cabin to look for Adam.  The hillbillies are not amused.

Things keep going wrong and Cross’s conspiracy theories make him more and more paranoid.  While I thought this an okay movie, the biggest question I had was how did the firemen get to a burning building in the middle of the woods? The whole point was the group was walking hours into the woods to see this house. But now it seems like they could have just driven up to it? What the heck? 

The Wrong House (2012)

 Aka House Hunting

A random guy walking his dog in a neighborhood he doesn’t live in hands a home for sale flyer to Don, who is waiting for his family to come out of a house viewing. He doesn’t like the house so he’s refused to look at it, which begs the question why did his wife and son even bother?  

A flyer from a man who won’t identify himself or where he lives advertising a home for sale on 70 acres in the middle of nowhere?  Don sees nothing suspicious about that.  Damn it, Don!  Never trust a stranger handing out flyers which send you somewhere isolated where you could be murdered.

When Don and family arrive at the house, they find Charlie and his family already there. The door is open and there is a speaker system which provides info on the house when you press a button.  When they decide to leave, a girl darts out into the road causing Charlie to crash his car.   Although the car didn’t hit her, the girl is injured.  Everyone jumps into Don’s SUV so they can take the girl to the hospital.

Unfortunately all roads lead back to the house for sale. When they decide to spend the night, the girl freaks out and refuses to go in. It takes the two men to forcibly drag the injuring girl inside.  They don’t question why she doesn’t want to go in or even try to find out what happened to her. They’ve figured out she’s missing a tongue and she hates the house. Hmmm, what could be the problem?

As days pass with no way to get out off the property, the families start to argue and blame each other for the situation.  Paperwork shows that Charlie foreclosed on the house, so they blame him first. But both families end up having connections to the family who lived in the house.  Also everyone starts seeing people from their past who are dead.  

Questions abound.  Will they ever get out of this loop? Were there no pens or pencils in the house that the injured girl could write with to tell them what had happened to her? Why didn’t they question her? Who was putting cans of stew in the pantry? Why are teenage boys so creepy?  How many days does this movie take place over?  And most importantly, is there truly an unending supply of people who wronged the family who lived there or is the guy just a psychopath?  I mean, foreclosing on a house means the guy didn’t pay his mortgage which means he defaulted on his loan.  Unless I missed something where Charlie set him up so that the bank could seize his house, then it’s just bad money management or bad luck, not Charlie.

Worst pick up line ever

Can I kiss you? You remind me of my ex.

Scarecrow Country (2019)

Aka Murderous Scarecrow

The movie opens with a sketchy couple and a ouija board. They hear a noise outside which the guy says is Amish kids having a campfire in the fields. He’s going to scare them with a gun, which is the stuff tragic accidents are made of and boom! There’s a scarecrow in the room.  So the ouija summoned a scarecrow?  I still have no idea who these people were or what it had to do with the rest of the movie.

Small town librarian Winnie calls her sister Zoe daily. Zoe seems to hate everyone. Each phone call she gets make her irritated, and her only friend is the drawings she does of public domain cartoon Fantomah which talk to her.  Winnie’s dad runs the local club that books bands.  Dad wears a doo rag and oversized clothing, which is unfortunate. 

When a woman donates books to the library, Winnie finds a journal mixed in with them. It’s the diary of a teenager named Joey who committed suicide years ago.  When she asks her Dad if he knew the kid, he pleads ignorance but convinces her to leave the diary with him.  Later he burns it and calls the other members of the basketball team to tell them about the journal.

Shortly after this a scarecrow starts killing people who knew Joey in high school.  Is it Joey back from the dead?  If so, why is he a scarecrow? And since the journal was burned, why does it appear at each death scene prior to the killings? Also what sort of sheriff tells the librarian about two deaths that aren’t public knowledge yet? 

The ending will make you say, oh come on!!  The small town they filmed in looks kind of neat, but there’s nothing really to recommend this.

Ridiculous dialogue:

The scarecrow was you. And it wasn’t just you, it was everybody.

Who is this? Is this Joey? It’s never explained.

Why do scarecrows wear pointy dunce hats?

No Dad, you’re too old for a bandana

Small town Main Street is kind of cool