Awake in the Woods (2015)

Ronnie, Tucker and Derek have been best friends since grade school.  They decide to go into the woods to look for any sign of a girl who disappeared.  Their plan is to camp in the woods for three days and film themselves.

But we start the movie with a young woman in an asylum.  No one knows who she is, and the orderlies are pretty lax since she propositions the guy interviewing her and disrobes.  Why do we care about her? Who is interviewing her? Is it relevant that she wants to go to the woods? Why is she sitting in front of drywall? And why does it sound like it’s raining in the room?

Later a second woman in the asylum is interviewed. She has amnesia but they know her name.  The nurse discusses her medical condition in an interview.  Wouldn’t that violate HIPPA laws? Who is the second interviewer? Is it Tucker or Derek?  We never find out.

The parents and younger sister of the missing girl are also interviewed. Do we need to know any of this? Will it help propel the story? Nope, we could have just been told she’s missing. If this is Ronnie interviewing the parents, she is the worst because she keeps interrupting them while they’re answering questions. 

Eventually Ronnie, Tucker and Derek drive to the woods and hike till they find a spot to camp. I don’t now why they need to camp here to search for the girl.  Weird things start happening and Ronnie screeches a lot.  It’s super annoying. 

At one point Ronnie gets separated from the others. When they find her, she says she saw a little girl, but no one believes her.  They get in an argument and I can’t help thinking all she has to do is show them the footage she shot. But she doesn’t mention it.

And why is it so mind boggling to find names carved into a tree in the woods when there is a dirt road, a path, and we’ve been told kids play in the woods? I carved my name into a tree when I was a kid and if the woods nearby was supposed to be haunted, my friends and I still would have gone into it.  Also if that’s so crazy, then why are they camping in the woods for three days?

Ridiculous dialogue

We got two cameras, we got a whole bunch of batteries, and electrical equipment. Everything that we need to document or check out or I guess hunt our findings and see what we come up with.

Interviewer - Do you have any hope for her?

Nurse - Well as therapists, we’re taught to always have hope but in her case I truly do not think there is any hope for her. She’s become essentially a liability for us.

Derek - Why are there peoples names on a tree…

Ronnie - Someone must have been back here before us.

Tucker - That’s messed up.

You passed out and fell on the floor. [They are in the woods. There is no floor].

I don’t think they understand…

…how to use an ellipsis 

Our three intrepid searchers

The crap load of stuff haphazardly thrown in the van

Mental patient with drywall

Behold the visual splendor

Freaked out by names carved into a tree even
though there is a road and paths in the woods

Pointing a flashlight at your own face to light the scene

Carrying a color printout from a trail cam

Amityville Scarecrow II (2022)

Oh no, not another one.  If you hoped the name of Amityville would not be taken in vain again, you’d be dead wrong.  

Picking up a year after the first movie, Mary and Tina decide to open the caravan park and camp ground.  It seems odd that anyone would come to this place due to the multiple murders on the property, the last one being a year ago when they set murderer Lester on fire.

Along with Tina and Mary,  there is Mary’s daughter Harriet, Harriet’s boyfriend Dylan, and seven staff members to keep the place running. This is a glamping site and the staff are told to cater to the guests every whim.  Most of the staff aren’t aware of the properties past, but are concerned when they hear about it. Tina and Mary assure everyone that they’ve gone to great lengths to make sure the place is safe.  

When four counselors disappear without a word, the owners brush it off saying it doesn’t mean they’re dead, just that they didn’t show up for work. But you think they’d look into it due to the properties history. Even if there had never been any killings there, four out of seven workers gone without a word should be cause for concern. 

There is a confusing scene where a staff member who wants to leave is smacked with an inspirational speech about how the camp needs strong, moral people who are willing to stand up for what they believe in.  What does she believe in? That a murder camp can function as a holiday camp?    

I don’t know why I keep watching these movies.  And if you think they can’t get worse, they’ve upped the ante by throwing bad sex scenes and unnecessary, long winded drama into the mix. I should have appreciated they weren’t doing that before. As you’d probably guess, there is nothing like the cover in this movie.  

Cringeworthy dialogue

We’re in the middle of nowhere, right.  And I’m sure if there was a killer around they wouldn’t be opening in the next two weeks.

This is going to be the best glamping location in the country.

Every guest is a priority and every request must be heeded.

We need people like you, Lily.  And people like you. Strong people with morals and dignity, ready to stand up for what they believe in.  Willing to do what it takes.

Yeah but they burnt him alive so don’t worry about it.

There’s no evidence that they’re dead. They just didn’t show up to work.

I cant stay here. I can feel my skin crawling. I get nightmares.

We all do, but you belong here.

Hi, yes police please…. I need to report a murder…. Yes someone’s killed my friend…. What? No, this is serious…. Please just send someone right away. I’m at the Amityville Farm camp site….Please just hurry…. I don’t think they believed me but they’re sending someone.

So the staff is going to live in tents all summer?

The squared off eyebrows that remind me of Sharpies

Red pool of mystery liquid? Let me stick my finger in it

The crack staff of the camp grounds

Barn on fire? I’m sure leaning up against the door is fine

Don’t wear fake eyelashes in the shower

Graduation Day (2015)

A group of teens decide to film their senior year of high school. They have at least two cameras going at all times and the footage shows they are unlikable douchebags.

During a huge party at Dawsons house, his friends and some girls convince him to leave and head to a cliff where they take turns jumping into the water.  When Melissa refuses to jump because she can’t swim, the other girls are inexplicably condescending and accuse her of wanting attention. After being egged on by Brian, Dawson pushes her off the cliff.

When she doesn’t surface, Brian jumps in and finds her body. While some people want to call the cops, Brian says this will ruin their future. He convinces everyone to go along with hiding the body, pretending they never left the party, and never speaking of it again. 

Apparently things went pretty well because the next thing we see is their graduation and how happy everyone is about their bright future. But after everyone gets a text to meet at Dawson’s, a dvd is left on the porch for them to watch. It starts with footage of graduation, before cutting to video of them loading Melissa’s body into Brian’s SUV and the words if you don’t tell, I will.

Brian, who pressured everyone into hiding the body, says Dawson is the one who murdered her, so the others will be okay if the police are involved. Dawson feels betrayed and plays the victim. Things are left up in the air until members of the group are stalked by a killer in a graduation gown and cap.

They suspect Melissa’s brother, who is a veteran, of trying to kill them. So Dawson and his girlfriend visit him, saying they are making a documentary about his sister. That’s pretty weird, but not as weird as saying, “We had no idea that they never found Melissa’s body.”  If she’s missing and no one knows what happened to her, it’s not a great idea to talk about her as if she’s dead.

I’d advise you not to spend your time on this one because it’s not that compelling to begin with and the twist at the end makes it all the more frustrating. So if you don’t want to know the twist, don’t read any further. 

What makes this movie so ridiculous is that the opening scene of the kid with a gun outside the school is also the ending. Dawson walks out of the school after finding another friend dead at the hands of the killer. He doesn’t notice the three or four cars in front of him with their headlights illuminating him. Then he puts the gun to his head and fires as his friends come running from the darkness.   It was all a prank.

Yes, his friends had a brilliant idea for the best senior prank ever. They would convince him he killed Melissa on the night of the party, and keep the prank going the entire senior year. Then after graduation, they would pretend someone knew their secret and was murdering them one by one. Ow my sides, the hilarity. 

What sort of friends think it’s funny to convince you that you killed someone and then keep the ruse going for the whole school year? It’s bad enough to do for one night, but to do this for eight or nine months is horrendous.  They are the worst.

The questions this brings up:

1. Did Melissa transfer schools just for this prank?
2. If a killer is in your house, why would you call your friend rather than the police?
3. Why doesn’t Dawson notice no one at school is talking about Melissa being missing and there is no mention of it on social media? 
4. How does he miss this story is not in the news and the police aren’t questioning anyone?
5. Why would they keep the tapes from that night?  They plan to say they never left the party, but they hold onto tapes that destroy their alibi. 
6. Why would Dawson keep the tapes at the high school? It’s a public space and someone could find them.
7. Why did he leave the tapes at school after he graduated? It would be odd to go back since he isn’t a student.

Ridiculous dialogue

You’re a sweetheart. You’re one of the sweetest, most genuine people I know and I actually feel kind of bad for this but I had to go along with it. It was too good.

Dawson tells his Mom he wants
a lock on the door so she can’t barge in, 
but there is deadbolt already on the door.

Yeah we’re going to film our entire senior year

Uh I think you’re taken filming every thing a bit too far

Always good to call your friend when an intruder’s in the house

They are jumping off the cliff into the water…

…but when they look for Melissa, the water is only knee deep

The Dead Girl in Apartment 03 (2022)

Laura hears a scratching noise in her apartment and discovers it’s coming from her roommates room.  When her knock goes unanswered, she opens the door to find her roommate Elizabeth dead.

When the police talk to Laura, Detective Richards is suspicious and  surprised she doesn’t know Elizabeth’s last name. Detective Miller likes Laura and thinks she’s innocent. He gives her his card and Richards warns him that getting involved with her is a big mistake. He may think she’s innocent now, but new information could come to light which reveals she had something to do with it.

The police seem a bit sloppy in that they release the scene and give her the number for a crime scene clean up business. When the clean up company says they’ll be there in the morning, Laura complains that their card says 24 hours, not grasping the concept there are other people with murder scenes in their home ahead of her.  So she grabs a bucket and cleaning supplies from under the sink. 

When she moves Elizabeth’s bed, she finds a circle with strange symbols, and feels like this may be more than an accident.  She goes online to find information and also repeatedly calls Det. Miller. She forgot to  mention the scratching sound. She also changes her outfit and primps a bit prior to Miller coming back.

Laura doesn’t have the best judgement. She calls her ex-boyfriend who is hours away and asks him to come stay with her. She also let’s Elizabeth’s creepy boyfriend into the apartment.  It’s a lot of talking and dark rooms for atmosphere, with occasional creepy things happening in the background.

Questions: why is Laura handling this mess? Shouldn’t the landlord pay for and arrange the cleaning? When the lights go out, why doesn’t she check to see if it’s the building or her apartment? Why does she call her ex-boyfriend who is hours away to ask for advice rather than call the landlord?  How does her towel stay dry when half of it is hanging inside of the shower?  Why did she break up with her boyfriend to move to New York when she didn’t want to break up?  Why does she never think to run out of the apartment when things start to get weird?  Why does she look through Elizabeth’s stuff, thus getting her fingerprints on everything which is going to be awkward if the death is deemed suspicious? Why is this movie so dark?  And why did the police take photos of the scratches on the wall without using anything for a frame of reference to show their size? 

Quotes? So she’s not a detective? It’s just her nickname?

Who takes a shower and hangs the towel over the shower rod?

She’s going to clean the bodily fluids herself
because waiting till morning is just too long. 

 It’s perfectly normal to hang a portrait of yourself on the wall.

Tooth Fairy 5: Drill to Kill (2022)

After surviving the tooth fairy, Sammy is back at work as a teacher.  But sometimes she hears noises out in the hallway even after the kids have left for the day. She tells her therapist she feels like she’s being watched and she thinks the Tooth Fairy is back.  Sadly Sammy is right and she’s quickly dispatched by this weirdo.

Sammy’s sister, who is a teacher at the same school, comes back to work after some bereavement days.  The other teachers think work is a good distraction and decide to throw a party after hours.  Two of the teachers are more concerned with hooking up than being supportive and wander off. This is unfortunate since the Tooth Fairy is wandering the school and apparently hates teachers.

Another movie in which the Tooth Fairy wants to come in, someone sees her jacked up face, hears her odd way of speaking, and doesn’t question if there is something horribly wrong with her. The school security guard isn’t suspicious at all when she arrives after hours to pick up a child.  Her oversized melon and non-moving mouth should be red flags. It should also be a red flag if her child is not on the roster and she disappears.  Yet he leaves the building to look for her. 

This movie is so frustrating and boring.  The party gives the Tooth Fairy some people to murder, but why is she targeting this school? Why does she hate teachers?  Why doesn’t anyone make an effort to fight her? She’s an escaped mental patient, not a supernatural being.  She moves slow and that huge head would be an easy target, but no one tries to fight.  

And what’s up with Sammy’s legs? Last movie she had arm crutches which implies some sort of long term disability, but she’s walking fine in this movie. And if she’s freaked out about the Tooth Fairy, then why is she watching videos for at home dentistry which show how to perform tooth extractions on yourself?

Lastly how did this security guard get this job?  He has no peripheral vision. There is a freak on a scooter holding a hammer zooming up on him and he doesn’t even notice. What makes it worse is he went into the parking lot to look for her, yet never turned his head to the right.

Just a perfectly ordinary parent looking for their child

The security guard with the worst peripheral vision ever. 

Await Further Instructions (2018)

 Nick and his girlfriend Annji visit his family on Christmas Eve. Nick hasn’t been home in a few years and thinks this is a mistake, but Annji is excited about meeting his family.  His mother asks them to stay the night since the rest of the family will be there for Christmas.  When Nick hesitates, Annji says they’d love to stay.  Honestly if your partner is hesitant about visiting or staying with his family, you’d be wise not to make a commitment he’s not willing to make.

Shortly after Nicks’ sister arrives, she makes a racist remark and grandpa piles on to stoke the discomfort.  She tells Annji she wasn’t referring to her, but things get more heated so Nick and Annji head upstairs where they’ll stay in separate rooms since they’re not married.  They decide to get up early the next morning and leave before the rest of the family gets up. For the life of me, I don’t know why they didn’t just drive home. 

The next morning when they try to leave, there is something over the front door that seems like metal.  They check other exit points but the entire house seems to be locked down.  The rest of the family is woken by the commotion and on the TV it says to await further instructions.  Nick’s father starts theorizing the government has locked them in to keep them safe after some sort of attack.

When the tv starts broadcasting commands, the father says this is proof the authorities have everything under control. But the commands become more and more divisive.  They are asked to use a trial vaccine in unsterilized needles. They are told to wash their bodies in bleach to decontaminate themselves. They are told to figure out which one is infected and quarantine them.  While Nick and Annji question if these commands are valid and who is issuing them, Nick’s father has taken control and demands everyone do what is required, even if it’s by force.  As the commands keep getting crazier, you wonder if any of them will get out alive, who is really giving them commands, and what is actually going on outside.

While the set up was interesting, the resolution isn’t satisfying. It leaves you with more questions than answers. 

The Yearly Harvest (2020)

Journalist Jin goes to the town of Seleh because she’s heard many Christmas traditions started there.  She’s convinced something is up because no one in town has holiday lights or says happy holidays. Also Kyle, another journalist, died in town when he was researching the same story. 

When Amy visits the library to do research, she finds a book which seems to have something under the inside of the back cover. She peels back the paper and finds a hand drawn map. She believes Kyle made this map.  Although there is no proof of this, she stuffs it into her pocket as her first clue to solving the mystery.

After being warned not to tell people why she’s in town, Jin gets in an altercation with a man outside the diner and is saved by Amy, a private investigator in town for a job.  Amy gives Jin a ride and ends up going door to door with her as she asks people if she can interview them. All doors are slammed in their faces until they find one woman who celebrates Christmas and agrees the town is weird.  She tells Jin about Beth, who shares the rest of the towns beliefs but doesn't mind talking about them.

By this time Jin has overshared her past and more personal information than any rational person you just met would be comfortable with, but it doesn’t phase Amy. When they get to where Jin is staying, she invites Amy in and introduces her to her little sister Lindsay. Jin doesn’t like Lindsay because she’s a pain. Amy tells her she needs to be more careful with how she speak to and about her sister.  

Although Amy tells her to wait for her, the next day Jin visits Beth who, unlike the others in town, seems friendly and willing to share about the town. She explains mythology, pagans, tradition and the Bible, which should be a warning but Jin is focused on her story. 

When Jin leaves, she walks home through the woods. Another sign that Jin isn’t the brightest bulb since she’s been threatened, warned, and had almost all hostile experiences.  When she’s hit on the head, it’s not surprising. Oh poor naive little Jin.  Do you really think if the town folk are hostile and don’t want you digging into their history that the one person willing to talk is safe? The worst part is this movie is two hours long and at this point, we’re only a little over the hour mark.

The people in this town are kind of dense.  They want to kill anyone who tries to investigate the town, thus calling more attention to them due to disappearances. Jin is there because the prior journalist disappeared.  And if they want to keep this knowledge private, why is Beth willing to speak about it?  Sure I’ll tell you our secrets, but I just need to kill you afterwards. How about telling Jin she’s wrong? 

At two hours, this movie could do with some editing. There are long scenes of dialogue that could be cut without any impact. Do we really need to know Jin’s family history, or about her Mom’s illness, or why she dislikes her little sister?  Would it make any difference if we chopped out the scenes of her Mom, little sister or the family she’s staying with? And we could do away with her overly personal scenes with Amy as well. 

At the end, I still had questions. Why did Amy think the map was from Kyle and why would he hide it inside the back of a book where someone may never find it?  Was there any significance to what was on the map?  Why does Jin tell Amy her backstory?  There’s no reason for it and it’s odd to do with someone you just met.  Is it a regional accent when Jin says woof instead of wolf?   When Amy brings Jin home to help her recover, why does she sleep in the same bed? Was there any relevant info in the scene where Amy meets the detective? And was that supposed to be the police station? Because it appeared to be someone’s home office.

Cringeworthy dialogue

Jin - You can’t threaten me.

Bill - Says who.

We write for a national magazine and we’re writing an article on the Christmas traditions. We actually heard a lot of them started in Selah.

Lindsey - You’re tall!

Jin - Linsey, that’s not the first thing you say to someone. That’s rude.

Don’t trust a town that has names and dates on it’s trees

 Looking through papers at the library and finding a photo of
you in the library in the same seat wearing the same
clothes with a black figure behind you

Kyle’s map - is there anything important to see?
Would not a map of the city be the same?

Why are they sleeping in the same bed? 

The mystery scratches

12 Disasters (2012)

 Aka The Twelve Disasters of Christmas

When disasters starts occurring in a small town, Jacey’s grandmother gives her a ring which causes her birthmark to get more pronounced.  Then grandma is killed by an icicle from the sky before she can explain the meaning of the ring. Luckily her estranged friend Grant has an idea what is going on, except people think he’s the town crackpot since he’s been talking about the end of the world.

It turns out the 12 days of Christmas is an Aztec prophecy put into song so it was not lost to time.  So we watch Jacey try to find five golden rings since she is the only one who can stop the end of hte world. 

First the townsfolk think she’s the cause of the troubles after she stops a freeze front from killing her younger brother. Then her dad produces an ancient book showing 12 disasters and says Jacey is the only one who can stop the end of the world. Unfortunately the book appears to show a human sacrifice, which the villain decides is Jacey. Surprisingly the townsfolk band behind him and don’t seem bothered at the thought of sacrificing a teenage girl.

This movie is fairly heavy handed. The dad’s name is Joseph, mother is Mary and daughter is Jacey (JC). Her brother is Peter, the man who betrays the family is Jude, and the villain is Kane.  So have fun watching two hours of this.

13 Slays Till X-mas (2020)

Five middle aged misogynists receive an invite to a dive bar on Christmas Eve. Surprisingly they all show up. While they wonder who invited them, they decide to tell scary stories. 

Here brief descriptions of most of them:

1. Danny invites Sammy to their mom’s house to decorate for Christmas one last time before they sell the place, and something isn’t right.
2. A father made a deal for extra time and now payment is due
3. Suicidal dad whose kids are with his ex and new partner
4. Two guys break into the home of a mall Santa who lost his wife and daughter a year ago to a drunk driver
5. Dad tells his bratty kid if he isn’t good, Santa’s helper Kringles will kill his parents, kidnap him and make him a slave at the North Pole.
6. Teenager says he can summon Santa’s evil twin by playing a Christmas song backwards
7. Woman’s partner puts up a creepy doll from her childhood which she’s afraid of and inexplicably keeps
8. A Christmas to Dismember
9. Shock Jock who can’t take it when people treat him like he treats others

The one that stands out the most is the one where the Dad tells his son Colton about Kringles. It would be horrifying as a kid to be told you would be kidnapped and your parents murdered if you aren’t good enough.  Also Colton is a mumble mouth and its super hard to understand half his dialogue. I’m not sure why they would cast a kid who can’t enunciate clearly.

Also why did the woman with the creepy doll still have the doll?  Don’t pack it in a box. Hack it to bits or throw it away.  The woman’s partner is abusive. She’s obviously terrified, but the abuser says it’s no big deal and tries to manipulate her to leave it up. When she wakes up afraid in the middle of the night, her abuser pushes her out of bed and screams at her. Holy cow lady, the doll may be the least of your problems.

I’m not really a fan of anthologies, and this one didn’t change my mind.

Vikings Vs. Krampus (2019)

Aka Pagan Warrior

King Rollo learns the Vikings are planning to storm the castle and decides to flee with his family.  This isn’t a good idea since there are only five Vikings and Rollo has six people in the castle. He could just bar the door and the Vikings would be out of luck.   

Instead he heads into the woods where the Vikings are laying in wait. After a tepid sword fight, the king and queen are dead, and the others are kidnapped.  The bodies are found by the women of the myth who decide to bring the king and queen back to life.

When he mentions revenge, the women offer to summon Krampus, warning he will pay a price ten years from today.  Rollo is fine with the carnage, and we all know this will ultimately go terribly wrong.

Who knew Vikings were so boring and clean?  They always have clothes that are spotless and without any wear. But sometimes their faces have a few smudges of dirt.  The sword fights are slow and resemble kids play. Hurrah for safety, but there’s got to be a way to make it look like they’re actually fighting.  

How did the Vikings get into the castle? One of the King’s men stayed behind because he said they’d be better off if he did. Why did he stay?  Shouldn’t the castle have been secure? Or did he let them in and I missed it in my stupor?   But the biggest question is why did the King run away from five Vikings when he had more people and the safety of a castle?

Ridiculous dialogue

Tonight we shall have a feast such as they have. In Valhalla.

Krampus the Yule monster

I think you think you’re really clever.

812, got it.

Uh 1812, got it.

The Vikings

The King and crew

Happy Krampus

Nice of the Vikings to mow the field

Amityville Christmas Vacation (2022)

Wally Griswold wins a contest he doesn’t remember entering. The prize is a stay at a bed and breakfast in Amityville. So we get a two minutes montage of him packing to what sounds like a Casio keyboard soundtrack.

When Wally arrives, the owner Samantha gives him a bit of info for this stay, advises there is another guest as well, and then leaves. Wally isn’t suspicious, even though it’s not normal for a B&B to leave you to fend for yourself.  The other guest turns out to be a ghost who kills people who stay in the B&B.

I couldn’t get through this even though it clocks in at a little less than an hour. While it’s a comedy, it’s not funny.  The most amusing scenes were when Wally apologized for repeatedly walking in on the ghost, totally missing that she isn’t alive. 

Family Reunion (1989)

While on the way to visit family for Christmas, the Andrews plan to stop in Sutterville, an old ghost town.  Grandpa Henry doesn’t want to go, but little Billy is excited about it.  

On the road to town, they run across a man being arrested. When the police find out they’re going to Suttervsille, they tell the Andrews they’ll have the town to themselves due to the vagrants. As they drive off the arrested vagrant stares out the back window of the police car at the family and dad Tom gets a sudden headache. 

Due to safety concerns, the family decide not to stop in Sutterville, but drive through it to get to their destination.  However the car mysteriously accelerates and almost crashes into a building. After making sure everyone it okay, it won’t start so they plan to stay the night.

Things in town keep getting weirder. Tom is angry and scary. Grandpa is uneasy and wants to leave now. Billy meets a little girl. Mom and teen daughter hear voices when in the buildings.   What they don’t know is the vagrant they saw has psychokinesis. He’s influencing their car, the dad, things in the town, and is not the slightest bit concerned about being arrested.  

Ridiculous dialogue

You ain’t go no dough. You don’t smoke. You never heard of Rat’s Ass. What planet are you from?

Listen honey, I don’t know who you really are or what you really want, but I can refer you to a good therapist who can help you figure it out.

It’s going to be a long trip stuffed together like that

The good old days when adults left the windows up
and filled the car it’s smoke

Merry Christmas on the windows doesn’t make it cheery

The police and the vagrant

Yeah they totally underestimated him

Old station wagon with luggage on top? Is this Family Vacation?

The forced perspective shot that makes it look like she’s wearing
 a  weird hat, when it’s a light in the foreground

Boom mic alert