Murdercycle (1999)

A guy on a dirt bike gets lost outside a secret military installation and sees a small meteorite which turns him into a part human part alien killing machine on a motorcycle.  It transforms not only the kid but his dirt bike. What alien magic is this?!

When the guy manning the installation disappears, the Feds decide to go in and check on their underground laboratory. Marine Kirby, who is drinking and considering suicide due to his suspension, is called on to lead the secret mission. He’ll be going with forensic scientist Dr. Adams, Mr. Wood from the CIA, mind reader Dr. Lee and two marines.

Dr. Lee is able to pick up memories and impressions from touching people or things. People are unnerved by her reading their thoughts and Wood has been trained in mental jujitsu to avoid her reading him. Unfortunately this involves him being super creepy and imaging raping her so as to repel her from his mind.  He also equates having someone read his thoughts to rape,which while a violation, would be more akin to someone revealing private correspondence rather than being sexually assaulted.

The characters are all cliches.  The fed keeps everyone in the dark as to the real mission.  The marine threatens to not follow the rules unless he’s told what is really going on.  There is a civilian who believes in aliens and surprises everyone by knowing how to get past the security system to enter the site. The forensic doctor turns green at the sight of a body, which clues us in that he may not be what he appears to be.  The female civilian ends up in situations where her safety is in jeopardy and the lower level marines are the equivalent of the red shirts on Star Trek. 

You’d think something called Murdercycle which involves aliens would be awesome, but instead it’s boring. The background music is really distracting. It’s very noticeable which is the last thing background music should be.   The oddest scene in this movie is when an injured marine is shot in the head as if he’s a horse.  What the heck? Maybe they should have tried to save him.  

Ridiculous dialogue:

I think the Murdercycle’s been through here.

Wood: You don’t like the idea of being raped. 

Lee: I supposed I don’t.

Wood: Well that’s funny, what do you call what you do?

What name will they give people who rape other peoples minds?

If it’s so dangerous, why are we taking civilians in?

Sorry, that’s a restricted need to know basis.

How many men were you willing to fee to the sausage grinder to protect your secrets?

The chain link fence the aliens melted. And what is up
with those bursts of light having the black trails behind them?

If only he hadn’t gotten lost and hadn’t seen the meteorite 

The alien sphere and the psychic

The ridiculous wisps of hair on either side of her face

Demon in the Mountain (2012)

Aka Bleeding Mountain

Xin Yue and her boyfriend Shang Hai head into the mountains with three friends.  On the drive, Xin Yue looks in the rear view mirror and sees herself running after the van screaming, “don’t go up the mountain!”  They stop the van, but there is no one in the road. The rest of the group are skeptical and the group continues up the mountain to set up camp.  If only they’d noticed the large plastic bag that covered their windscreen and almost made them drive off the road has followed them to base camp. 

The next day Xin Yue remains at base camp while the other four climb the unnamed peak. Whoever reaches it first gets to name it, and Shang Hai wants to name if after Xin Yue.  

After radio contact is lost and the climbers disappear from the tracking screen, Xin Yue panics but can do nothing but wait for their return. Later the other climbers return and tell her Shang Hai is dead.  But in the middle of the night, Shang Hai returns and tells her the climbers are ghosts who’ve come to kill them.  The next day the other climbers tell her Shang Hai is the ghost and he’s trying to kill them.  

Who’s alive? Who’s dead? Who cares?  This started out pretty interesting, but devolves into a confusing timeline where it’s not clear if this is real, exactly how long they’ve been on the mountain, or which are really the ghosts. Be prepared to go insane as you hear Xin Yue say Shang Hai over and over and over. I wish I’d counted how many times she said it because it became annoyingly infuriating.

I’m not sure why the bag followed them to camp.

Get ready to hear her scream this a lot.

The sand doesn’t look like it would hold the tent spike.

Dinosaur Hotel (2021)

Single mom Sienna gets a call that her online application has been accepted for a game show. Sienna applies for a lot of things online so she is confused and asks for more information. All they’ll tell her is the winner gets $100,000.  Sienna should be more discerning.

Sienna brings her kids even though the rules specify no guests. She can’t find a babysitter and the kids have agreed they won’t be an issue. Oh, have they?  Well then I’m sure she doesn’t have to worry about them being eaten by dinosaurs. 

There are five contestants and they’re all pretty low key for being on a game show where they can win a lot of money. They don’t even seem suspicious when the only info provided is they’ll need to complete the challenges and make it through the night.  Even after the disembodied voice uses the words survive and weapons, and the phrase death will stop the others, only one of the group wants to leave. Then the dinosaurs appear and the contestants freak out.  It is amazing how people scream at the top of their lungs when trying to hide or escape, thus luring the beast with their siren song.

Oh dinosaur hotel, with a name like that you should have been amusing at the least. But you’re long and boring and surprisingly void of dinosaurs.  I can’t help but wonder how has no one noticed a T-Rex outside. Surely this is not something you could hide on your property.  They seem to have contestants daily or weekly, so this ongoing ploy should have been discovered.  Also I’m curious how do they pick their victims and why no one notice they have disappeared.  Sienna was not supposed to bring her children. So theoretically she should have showed up alone and left the address of the hotel with the babysitter. Perhaps the local police department are missing after being repeatedly called to the hotel and eaten by dinosaurs? Surely some victims had families who knew where they were going and would have wanted the disappearance investigated. The children in this film are not actors. They are devoid of any emotional tone. It’s like watching a grade school play, which is age appropriate skill level, but not for a movie. I looked on IMDB to see if they had ever been in another movie and they aren’t even listed as part of the cast. So I’m guessing the answer is no.

Ridiculous dialogue:

Maddie: She’s gone. A dinosaur ate her.

Sienna: What do you mean she’s gone? What happened?

This is nothing like what happened to Dad. 

The ultimate death match. -man versus dinosaur.

The dinosaur that looks like it’s hovering while devouring a person

If a dinosaur is outside, don’t go outside

The way she’s holding that gun, it’s not going to help

The disembodied host

She tripped over her own feet

The contestants look super pumped for the game show

Alone in the Ghost House (2015)

Lana and Derek are paranormal investigators. They are heading to the location of a murder suicide to film footage for their show.  Lana’s college roommate Sophie is coming along, as is Ford, their cameraman. 

Derek hires Tabitha, a psychic he found on Craigslist. He tells the others he’s vetted her, but it later becomes apparent either Derek lied or his critical thinking skills are nonexistent.  Tabitha is very odd and tells them they’re going to die if they don’t leave. Derek laughs and says they’ll be spending the night. 

The group decides to sleep in three different rooms. This is a terrible idea when you’re in an abandoned house which you’ve been told is haunted. Even if it wasn’t haunted, is a hobo staying there or kids hanging out there?  When one of the team gets injured and cell phones/chargers disappear, you can’t help but think this wouldn’t have happened if they’d had even the smallest bit of safety protocol.

At one point Lana says she’s “proving once and for all I’m not afraid of anything.”  Was that even on the table? At not point did I wonder, or care, how brave Lana was. If someone is not afraid of anything, they’re probably not smart enough to calculate the risk and whether it’s a good idea or not.

Ford makes numerous inappropriate remarks to Sophie, who barely tolerates him.  Yet he doesn’t take the hint.  “I’m not a creep or anything,” says the guy who is being a total creep.  He interacts with Sophie as if he believes he is charming and funny.  But he is actually unlikeable and off putting.  Ford seems like the type of guy who would get fired for sexual harassment and then blame the person he was harassing.

Not much happens in this movie other than spending time with some annoying, and seemingly disingenuous characters.  The biggest problem is what appears to be a huge plot hole based off Derek hiring Tabitha.  So if he hadn’t decided to use Craigslist to find a psychic, none of this would have happened?  It’s way too random to make any sense.

Ridiculous Dialogue which shows some questionable cranial functioning:

Derek, about the psychic - I brought her here because she had the credentials. She’s the real deal.

Lana, Sophie and Derek are not impressed

The most notable thing about the seance scene?
The huge box that says Eggs

If this is the creepiest thing Derek has ever seen, then he’s not only
a terrible paranormal investigator, he’s lived a sheltered life

American Poltergeist: The Curse of Lilith Ratchet (2018)

When Lauren and Alice discover a box with a shrunken head, Lauren decides she must have it.  Lauren believes everything has a price. But when the clerk won’t sell it, she goads Alice into stealing it for her.

For some reason that is never explained, they figure out where a local YouTuber lives, show up at his home, tell him they’re big fans, and try to sell him the box.  Hunter gives them two hundred dollars and they merrily skip on their way.  Hunter hopes the head is real so he can get more hits on his paranormal channel.

Laster that night,  Lauren and Alice tune in to his live broadcast and hear him say something about Lilith Ratchet.  Lauren is not too bright since she she says, “Lilith Ratchet? Wasn’t that the name of your head?” How many shrunken heads does she think Hunter owns?  You just sold him one and the paper in the box had her name. Of course, it’s the same head.

Hunter is always looking for more subscribers so he does a live podcast at a local bar, and brings the head.  The paper in the box has a rhyme you will hear endlessly. As if that isn’t annoying enough, it doesn’t actually rhyme since they used hatchet with basket, and game with pain.   Apparently the game is hot potato using Lilith’s head.  The bad news is anyone who plays the game dies.

This leads to the question if six people in a small town who know each other die within days, how does no one catch on?  And this is apparently an ongoing problem where people get the box and play the game.  The cops in this town suck, and apparently there are no armchair detectives, no podcasters other than Hunter, and no journalists in a sixty mile radius.

Also how is Hunter not going to be arrested for murder? The owner of the bar left Hunter and his companion with two staff members. Now they’re all dead except Hunter.  It’s incredibly suspicious and he’s not entirely innocent.

The film can’t decide if it wants to be about Hunter, or Alice and Lauren.  Hunter appears to be twice as old as all the women in the movie, his patter is insincere, and his hair looks like a yellow eraser.  Also the kids at the end ask him if he’s the guy on the radio, yet he’s not. He’s on YouTube.

Lauren is a terrible friend.  She pressures Alice into stealing the box, ensuring that if anyone is arrested it won’t be her. Then she insinuates Alice is a loser for still working at the ice cream store, while simultaneously asking for free ice cream and later leaving her trash on the table for Alice to clean up. Finally she thinks Hunter screwed her over, not her and Alice. Does that mean she took the entire $200?  And how  would it be a rip off when she didn’t own the head or risk anything to get it?

This is a low budget movie and the acting reflects that. Many of the exchanges of dialogue appear as if someone shouted “Act!”   If you notice they’re acting, that’s a problem.  The rhyme reminds me of Lizzie Borden and Lilith appears to be from the same era.  

Dialogue by characters you don’t care about:

Lauren: I dare you to take it.

Alice: Are you serious?

Lauren: Yes I’m serious. I want it.

How much to you think that head was actually worth? You don’t think he screwed me over, do you?

Some fans brought this over for me today.

Wherever they filmed, this old bank vault is really cool

Sunglasses at night? Who does he think he is, Corey Hart?

The guy on the left never changes expression or gaze

Another couple who appear to be father and daughter

The rhyme and head in a box

A tub with a step and wet feet? Are they trying to kill her?

The look of a girl who is going to manipulate
 the hell out of you and be a terrible friend

Continuity issue - after getting out of the tub her back is dry

Yet when she gets back in, her back is covered with suds

This should never be the last shot in any movie

No one has ever done a worse job at hiding. 

Unhinged (2017)

While driving to her wedding, Melissa, her sister and two friends head down a private road which is blocked by a weirdo they saw earlier at a gas station.  When he threatens them with a machete, one girl hits him in the head and accidentally kills him.  Instead of calling the police, the stupidest girl insists no one will believe them so they need to dispose of the body. Thus ensuring that if anyone does discover he’s dead, it will surely appear to be murder.  This is the first of many bad decisions these idiots will make.

In a scene that confirms their lack of functioning brain stems, they decide to load the body in their trunk, and continue to the wedding.  When the car gets low on gas, they are in the middle of nowhere and stop at a house to get help. The owner, Miss Perkins, is understandably confused as to why they think she has gas, but invites them to stay. She has no phone, but there is a guy that stops by on Wednesday and maybe he can help them.  

Since the girls have no gas and no cell reception, they feel they have to stay. Miss Perkins tells them to keep out of the woods and as long as they respect her house rules, she’ll give them space. That night they can’t sleep and hear their host talking to some demonic voiced being in the shed.  So the next day, they leave. No, of course they don’t. It’s all down hill from there.

The bad decisions in this movie are astounding.  Why is the best option to bring the body with them?  What did they do with his car? Did they hide it, or just leave it blocking the one lane private road?  Why would they dig a grave only a couple feet deep and within view of Miss Perkins windows? Why did Melissa wait until the road trip for her wedding to pick her maid of honor?  How can she get her fiancés voicemail when there is no reception? And if the phone suddenly worked, why wouldn’t she call for help? 

And why is there only one voicemail, rather than many frantic calls asking if she’s okay?  If her fiancés first reaction when his bride, her sister and two friends disappear is assuming she doesn’t want to get married, it makes me think their relationship isn’t that great.   Your bride disappears? Yeah it may be cold feet. Your bride, her sister and two close friends disappear? Damn, sounds like foul play. And if you stop at a weird ladies house and wander into the woods, where you’ve been warned not to go, and you see a woman dressed as a bride on the staircase of an abandoned building, why would your first thought ever be, is that my friend who is getting married?  No, of course it isn’t.

Yes, lets bury the body here. No one will ever know.

Wearing rubber gloves and a wedding dress while standing
 on the staircase of an abandoned building in the woods
where you’ve been warned not to go?
Yes, it must be my friend who’s getting married.

She looks like she’s from Mordor.

Don’t go down roads with these signs, Just don’t.

Guess who’s got the bad attitude.

The Lost Footage of Leah Sullivan (2018)

Leah is doing a student project on the 1986 murders of a Massachusetts family. While filming herself driving, she almost hits a woman and then is approached by a cop named Patrick whose brother went to school with her.  Patrick asks her out for coffee and she tells him why she’s in town.

The plan is to interview people who could provide information into the family and the murders. Leah also wants to visit the location.  The house appears to be isolated and has been abandoned since the killings. No trespassing signs are everywhere, but Leah doesn’t cotton to following the rules when there is journalism at stake. 

Patrick is a voice of reason through the film, even though Leah pays him no mind.  Patrick is concerned that someone could be in the house. Also they are trespassing and filming it, which is essentially documenting their own criminal activity, which isn’t great since he’s a cop.  

Leah’s only concern is solving this murder mystery and doing whatever it takes to get the story.  Curtain moves? Ah it’s only the wind.  Someone walks by the window? Ah it’s only a trick of the light. Creepy trap door into the basement? Let’s go into the basement with only one flashlight between us and only one way out. Creepy noises in the basement and certain impending doom since our names are written below the names of the murdered family and others who it is assumed disappeared in the house? Ah let’s get more footage of the basement. I’m sure we don’t need to run as if our lives depended on it.

Oh Leah. Poor, sweet, brain stem lacking Leah.  It’s a bit annoying when characters are in bad situations and they want to stay just a little bit longer.  Patrick has good instincts but Leah puts him in bad situations.  Leah is one of those people where you tell them it’s a bad idea to do something bu they decide they’ll do it anyway. Because they know you’re responsible enough that you’ll tag along since it’s too risky for them to go on their own.  Thus Leah puts others in danger by being self absorbed and caring more about her story, than the safety of herself and Patrick.  That being said, while that aspect of Leah was annoying, overall she was pleasant and the movie was better than average for found footage movies.

Butterfly Kisses (2018)

In the basement of their new home, Gavin’s in-laws find a cardboard box labeled do not watch, which is full of video tapes.  Gavin is a filmmaker so he’s curious about was shot.  He finds a rough cut of what purports to be a student film by a woman named Sophia and her cameraman Feldman.

The film project is about an urban legend, Peeping Tom. The story is if you go to the railroad tunnel at midnight and stare into the tunnel for an hour without blinking, Tom will appear.  However it’s unclear as to why anyone would want to do this since one you’ve seen him, you can’t unsee him.  He’s one of those things in your peripheral vision and each time you blink he gets closer and closer until he’s right on you and you die.

Along with the rough cut made by Sophia, there are a ton of other tapes with interviews, footage of the tunnel, and Sophia talking with Feldman about the project. Gavin becomes obsessed as he is currently only doing wedding videography and feels this footage will help him get a footing as a real filmmaker.

Gavin does research to determine if the film is real or fake. He manages to track down one of the interviewees - an author - who he hopes can confirm if Sophia was a real person making a film or a character in a fake documentary. Gavin believes she’s real and just needs one person who met her to confirm his beliefs.   But Gavin is his own worst enemy as he gets aggressive with the author and asks if he had anything to do with the disappearance of Sophia and Feldman.  The author thinks the footage is fake, which offends Gavin so much that he calls the author and his books stupid. 

Gavin sees this film as his ticket to a career, not realizing that he’s basically taking someone else’s work and finishing it.  His belief in his project causes him to get aggressive or irritated anytime someone questions him or the validity of the film.  He is single minded in his focus on proving he is right, while ignoring things that don’t fit, and ignoring his wife, child, finances, job, and others opinions on the film.

This movie is interesting in that it’s from the point of view of a documentary maker who is filming Gavin as he tries to prove the found footage is real.  While Gavin can remove or add things to the rough cut of Sophia’s to suit his theory, he signed a release giving the documentary crew access to all the tapes. So if he manipulates things, their movie can call him out.

This is one of the better found footage movies. It’s got a different take with Gavin being the subject, rather than the person actually making the film we are seeing.

Sophia and her wall covered in Peeping Tom art

Gavin and his hat reenacting finding the box in the basement

It Came From Below (2021)

After the death of their father, Jess and Sam go to the mountains to find a cave where dad claims he saw a monster. Jess is glad to be spending time with Sam. But she’s visibly irritated when she finds out Sam has invited his girlfriend Joanna and Marty, who has some sort of past with Jess.  

Joanna is a real dud.  She scoffs at Jess wanting to prove her dad saw a monster. She complains about the length of the hike,  getting a permit to camp, and that the campsite has no view. When Jess gets mad about the condescending and passive aggressive comments, Joanna gaslights her by saying it was all a joke and she was trying to lighten the mood.  She tops it off by being rude to the rangers. So yeah, I’m all in for Joanna to never come out of the cave.

Though the rangers warn them not to go into any caves, they ignore them since that’s the point of their trip. The group has a map pointing them to the location where the monster was seen.  They strap on their helmets and go inside, using string that could be easily broken as a guide to find  their way back.

Once inside things go horribly wrong, as they do when you’re going into a cave rumored to have monsters in it. When Jess runs out to get help, she turns into a complete idiot. At some point she loses consciousness and wakes up lying in a bunk bed. She seems to think she’s in danger, which makes no sense since shes unharmed, is not locked in the room and she’s at the rangers station. But she grabs a butter knife and breaks a light bulb while threatening the rangers who rescued her and who she’s asking for help. 

When the rangers say they will get help, but they shouldn’t go to the caves, she runs off alone back to the caves she just ran away from. She may as well not have left, and has effectively wasted not only her time, but ours.  As you could guess, this isn’t a great movie and you won’t care about any of the characters.  

Her fathers diary and drawing of what he saw

Be prepared for a lot of dark cave scenes

A bike helmet isn’t the best thing to wear caving.

I’m so glad I got to see what Jess is filming

The entrance of the hard to find cave is pretty big

Villmark Asylum (2015)

A group is sent to an abandoned asylum to check for hazardous  material and do an inventory before the building is demolished.  It sits in the middle of nowhere and they need to be flown in to the site.  

The asylum closed down in the 1970s so they don’t expect anyone to be there. But they hear music and find a man named Karl who claims he is the caretaker and is surprised to hear the asylum is set for demolition.

As they fan out to cover different quadrants, one person finds a man suspended from a rope at the bottom of a stairwell.  He dies soon after they get him down.  They assume he’s the person whose tent they saw by the water when they flew in, but can’t figure out what happened or why there appears to be a recent incision in his midsection that’s been sewn up.

The group hears voices, sees movement, and catches on video what appears to be a nurse and a small child.  Are they ghosts? Are they people, and if so, why are they there?

This is a Norwegian film by the same guy who did Villmark, aka Dark Woods, which I’ve heard is good.  This one has a good location and the characters are decent. There is a creepy feeling but not a lot of scares, although one death is a nightmare.