Halloween Night (2006)

A group of friends throwing a Halloween party decide to pull what they consider the greatest prank ever on their unsuspecting party guests.  Unfortunately it is actually an incredibly stupid prank in which another friend, who is unknown to everyone else, pretends to crash the party.  When asked to leave, he beats up the host, pulls a gun and kidnaps one of them.  Then he takes off with his hostage as fake police chase them.

Why this seems like a good prank is beyond me.  There's so many things that can go wrong: someone at the party has a weapon; someone knows karate; someone grabs a steak knife,  etc. Or someone calls the real police, which is what happens.

Interwoven into the plot is an escaped lunatic whose mother was murdered in the very house in which they are having the party.  Think that will factor into this at all?  You bet your sweet bippy it will!

The movie is completely disjointed.  There are scenes that go nowhere, plot points that make no sense - such as putting on your costume in a gas station restroom when you're one of the party planners who is going to be there hours earlier than any of the guests -  and an absolutely ridiculous ending.

Shark Night 3D (2011)

A group of friends head to an island for a weekend of fun.  While on the way, they almost get into a fight with a couple of creepy rednecks at a small town store. But the confrontation ends when Sara recognizes one of the rednecks as her ex-boyfriend.

After the group reaches the island, they decide to go water skiing on the lake which signals it's shark time.  That's right, it's a salt water lake with a huge shark which comes right out of the screen in 3D - or it would if we were watching it in 3D.  Instead, things just loom at the camera making no real impression on us at all.

After the shark rips off Maliks arm, the group discovers their cell phones don't work.  As if things can't get worse, the rednecks show up to make sure everyone is okay.  Odd that they've had a 180 degree personality change and are only concerned about the injured.

Instead of everyone getting on the boat and going back to shore for help, only two of the group go off with the rednecks in order to contact the Sheriff and bring back help.  They don't want to move the injured guy for fear of more blood loss.  But I would think it would be your best bet since he's in serious trouble.  Also it's going to take twice as long for help to arrive since they boat has to get to land, find help and come back.

After the rednecks and their friends drive off, that is when Sara decides to relay an incredibly relevent story about how she broke up with the redneck to go back to college.  This resulted in said redneck taking her scuba diving the next day and... oh my god he tried to kill her in a diving "accident."!?!  Uh, maybe she should have told her friends  he tried to kill her before they got on his boat.

Back to the story - Sara managed to get back on the boat. But as she was trying to escape, she accidentally hit the redneck in the face with the propeller.  She brought him to the hospital but never went back to visit and feels guilty as she believes the redneck thinks she did it on purpose.

Holy mother of God!  Are you kidding me?  Why does she feel guilty?  She accidentally hit him after he purposely tried to kill her!  Come on!  And why would she bring her friends here?  How could she let her friends get on his boat?  Someone gives me that back story and I'm passing on the boat and taking my chances of being stuck on the island or eaten by the shark.

Oh movie, why do you taunt me so?  Sadly enough for a movie called Shark Attack, there are not so many shark attacks in it.

Big Money Rustlas (2010)

It's good vs. evil in the Old West which is full of Juggalos and the Insane Clown Posse. The town of Mudbug is controlled by villain Big Baby Chips.  He's a mean, rich, evil man who does what he wants and won't take no for an answer.  The Sheriff is useless and everyone in town lives in fear of angering Chips.

After a number of years riding the trail, Sugar Wolf heads back into town to find the place in disrepair.  He decides to pin on the Sheriff's badge and clean up the town, starting with Big Baby Chips.

ICP wear their trademark face paint, even though they're cowboys in the 1800s.  There is a ghost with laser eyes (who is barely in the film) and an assassin called The Foot who tools around in a steam powered wheelchair due to his over sized, odorous appendage.  Look for cameos by former stars like Vanilla Ice, JJ Walker, and wrestler Razor Ramon.

Yeah, that's about all there is to it.  The jokes are based on the lowest common denominator and will appeal to Juggalos and fourteen year old boys.

The Gits (2005)

I wasn't familiar with the Gits other than that they were based in Seattle and Mia Zapata, their lead singer, was murdered.  This documentary draws you in and makes you feel for Mia and the friends she left behind.

The film focuses on who Mia Zapata was rather than on her demise.  There are interviews with family, band members, and friends who all paint a picture of Mia as a kind, empathetic person who everyone loved.  A girl who was shy and gawky, but shined when she got on stage.

Friends and band members laughingly recall her awkwardness, yet have such affection for her so many years later that you can tell how much she touched their lives.  Her fathers remarks are particularly moving.

There is a lot of footage of Mia singing.  Even those who never met her or were never fans of the band will sense a feeling of loss at what might have been if she had lived.  The film includes video, photographs, and the recollections of people still moved by someone they will always miss.

Although she was murdered in 1993, the case went unsolved until ten years later when they were able to match DNA from the crime scene to a man who had recently had his DNA added to the national database.

And for anyone wondering, their name was based on the Monty Python skit involving Sniveling Little Rat Faced Git. (I know that sketch is what I always think of when I hear the word git).

Flashback: Murderous Vacation (2000)

As a child Jeanette witnessed the murder of her parents by a serial killer wearing a dress and carrying a sickle.  After spending the next ten years in an asylum, her doctor releases her to take a summer job tutoring French to three rich kids.

Jeanette is not all that keen to do this since she hasn't been outside the institute in ten years and still can't remember what happened after the killer cornered her the night of the murder.  But the doc thinks it would be good for her and sends her on her way.

When she arrives at the mansion, her luggage disappears from the front of the house.  Later it shows up again, but there is a dress missing.  The housekeeper warns her that the kids are horrid, but Jeanette thinks they're lovely.

Jeanette keeps seeing a light on in the stable, but no one will talk about it.  Driving home one night with the kids, she sees a figure in a dress holding a sickle on the edge of the road.  No one else sees it.  But soon someone with a sickle is killing the rich kids friends.

Is it the killer come back for Jeanette?  Is it a terrible coincedence?  Is it all in her head?  And what kind of a doctor would release a women with unresolved mental issues from witnessing the double murder of her parents?

This is a German film so be prepared for questionable dubbing.  While there's nothing new here as far as the story goes, overall it's okay and held my interest. But the last scene made me sigh and roll my  eyes.  Really?

Final Stab (2001)

Kristen invites her estranged sister Angela and boyfriend Charlie to a party at a remote estate.  When they arrive, Kristen tells Angela it's a surprise party for her as she wants to mend their relationship.  But Kristens real intent is to get revenge on Charlie for rejecting her advances.

Charlie has been having nightmares and is not real jazzed to be there, especially since the house is the scene of a multiple  murder a number of years ago.

Kristen enlists the help of her friends by saying she plans to open a mystery murder theater and this will be the run through to see if it works.  Since she browbeats and blackmails her friends, none of them mention that this isn't a viable test run since patrons of murder mystery theaters know it's a show, as opposed to Angela and Charlie who will believe real murders are taking place.

She hires an actor to wear a mask and pretend to kill their friends.  Of course what else could happen in this situation other than a real murderer shows up, kills the actor, and starts murdering people for real.  Extra victims are provided by way of three guys who follow them to the house because one wants revenge on Kristen who is a horrible nasty person.  The three wander around, two get killed pretty quickly, and the last one is still wandering around late at night and annnoyed because he can't get the others on his phone.

The music seems beyond the budget for this film.  And yes, the mask looks as stupid as it does on the cover.  Add knives that are obviously fake, characters you'll dislike, numerous plot holes and you've got yourself a movie, I guess.

Video Violence 2 (1987)

The sequel to Video Violence revolves around Howard and Eli, the killers from the first movie, who have a pirate tv station.  They cut in on other channels and broadcast aptly named The Howard and Eli Show.  The two act as hosts and introduce clips of  murders they commit, and encourage fans to submit their own homemade snuff films.

Three girls are so enamoured by the show, that they decide to kill a pizza delivery guy.  Seriously?  You don't think they can trace that back to you?  These amateur killers aren't even clever.

The movie is just like watching bad public access tv, and I mean that in the worst possible way.  It's painful to watch, the acting is horrible, and most of the movie takes place on a badly put together sound stage.

Video Violence (1987)

A couple moves from New York City to a small town in New Jersey to open a video store.  When an unknown tape is returned  in a video box, the owner and clerk pop it in the VCR and see what appears to be the murder of a local man.

When the owner tries to file a report with the police, the Sheriff begrudgingly accompanies him back to the store. But upon their arrival, they discover the clerk and the tape are missing.

When another tape is left at the store, the owner goes to the the police again.  The Sheriff doesn't believe him. Since the owner  won't leave, the Sheriff puts the tape into a huge old vcr but hits the record button instead of the play button.

The couple start getting uneasy as they realize the townsfolk only rent gore or porn, and tapes of murders keep showing up at the store.

This is very low budget.  Sound appears to have been recorded using the on camera mic as there is no sign of ADR.  There is lots of background noise, the music sounds like a midi keyboard, the Sheriff has a bad toupe, and there is tons of padding in the film.  Also the killers are really annoying characters.

Attack Girls Swim Team Vs. The Undead (2007)

Aki, the new girl in school, bonds with an overly friendly girl who is on the swim team. Oddly enough they have matching birth marks.

When the school begins mandatory vaccinations, those who get the shot turn into zombies except for the girls on the swim team.  The girls try to determine why they aren't changing and figure out how to survive.

Flashbacks show that Aki used to be the prisoner of an insane, flute playing, rapist, mad scientist who trained her to be a water assassin.  That refers to her coming out of the water to kill, not  assassinating water.

With zombies and mad scientists, you'd think this would be great (other than the rape), but it's not. Great title, so-so movie.

Illegal Aliens (2007)

I'm at a loss as to figure out how this got approved every step of the way.  You'd think someone would have said no at some point.  There is so much wrong with this.  It's like watching a train wreck.

Three space aliens come to Earth, take the form of sex pots and become stunt coordinators in Hollywood.  Soon after a bad alien arrives and plans to destroy Earth while the good aliens try to stop him.

Anna Nicole Smith is a retarded space alien with a squeaky baby voice who mugs for the camera and can turn herself into cars, helicopters, or anything else.  Joanie Laurer is another alien and chews the scenery so badly that it's hard to believe she's not the worst actress in this film.

Meanwhile a federal agent played by the cab driver from Giancola's Time Chasers runs around trying to catch the aliens.  It's painfully bad and there are too many jokes about flatulence.

Yellow Brick Road (2010)

In 1940 the entire population of Friar, NH walked into the woods never to return. Searchers found the bodies of half the townsfolk along the path, but what happened to the others  and why they left remains a mystery.  As the documents on the case have recently been declassified, a research team decides to go to Friar to discover what really happened.

When the team arrives in town, they are stumped to find that the coordinates for the head of the trail are on a sidewalk in front of a movie theater.  This leads me to conclude they are the worst researchers ever.  Seriously, did no one look at a map?  Has anyone ever done basic research before? Have they never heard of this thing called the internet?  Or did they just decide to make like Scooby Doo, pack their cars and go solve a mystery?

They obviously didn't do any research online as they could have found information regarding the current state of the town, including google maps to check out the current terrain.  Yeah, real nice research, jackasses, I'm sure you'll be successful in your quest.

After talking to people in the theater they do stumble upon the path.  After going deep into the woods, they begin to hear music.  But they are terrible researchers and only entertain theories involving the music having something to do with the mystery of the missing people.  How about entertaining some other possibilities?  Maybe someone else is camping in the woods and listening to music.  Or perhaps the sound is carrying up the mountain from a lake area.  Or maybe it is a radio station being picked up by something.

The group start to act weird and get urges to hurt others.  After a fight with his sister who steals his hat - a hat that he had found in the woods and believes is from the townspeople who disappeared seventy years ago, yuck why was he wearing it? - her brother goes insane, chases her down, and starts pummeling her.  Then he rips her leg off at the femur with his bare hands. That's right,  I said the femur. Sigh, it's all down hill from here people.

The best summation for this film is people wander through the woods for days listening to big band music, and then they're insane.  Yup, that about sums it up.  The biggest problem is that not much happens in the first half of the movie.  Plus almost every scene takes place during the daytime.  Pretty scary, huh kids?

Also the music is happy, bouncy, big band stuff, and while sometimes music can be effective when used ironically, it isn't here.  When bursts of noise occur, it was just unbelievably annoying, rather than scary.

Shallow Ground (2005)

As the last boxes are being packed up at a small town Sheriffs station that is closing, a naked boy drenched in blood and clutching a knife wanders into the building.  The boy appears to be in a daze and won't speak.  Strange things start to happen after his arrival.  At times he bleeds profusely. The blood spills across the floor but it seems to have a life of its own as the boy can make it move at will.

The Sheriff is convinced that the boy has done something horrible.  Not sure why he doesn't consider that perhaps something awful has happened to the boy, traumatized him and sent him in shock.  If he's a killer, its unlikely that he'd go to the police rather than trying to hide his crime.

The Sheriff and deputies spend their last day in the office trying to figure out who the boy is, what happened to him, and what else is going on in the town as people start disappearing.

While the premise is interesting, the trailer is effective, and the music is creepy, overall the movie fails as there are too many plot holes.  A bus breaks down on the only bridge out of town as a convenient plot device to keep anyone from leaving.  The Sheriff doesn't notice the stench of dead bodies when they are in the next room.  The killer, who seems to have lead a normal life, not only wants revenge but apparently is completely psycho since the victims are held together with fish hooks and sitting them at the dinner table.  Also the killer needs strength to tie up the victims and hang them from trees, as well as stealth to sneak up on them. Once the killer is revealed, I'm not buying that the killer could do any of that.

Creature (1985)

Heavily influenced by the movie Alien, a space ship lands on Titan, are targeted by a hostile life form, meet a melty faced German who eats a big sandwich, and end up feeling really stupid when the tiny alien that attaches itself to the astronauts head can be ripped off and destroyed by being stepped on.  Boy do they feel stupid, especially the dead guys.

It's hard to tell the characters apart since they all wear the same type of space suits and have over sized helmets.  The Ripley character is supposed to be able to handle anything but she ends up getting felt up by Klaus Kinski, and then gets lost on the planets surface.  Really, she's not much help at all.

This is more of a slow moving, dialogue heavy movie typical of space movies in the 80s.   The alien life force takes over the bodies of its victims and there are a few bloody scenes of space carnage, but other than Kinski there's not much of interest here.

Sigma Die! (2007)

A group of sorority girls rent a house for the summer and plan to meet up with some frat boys who concoct a ruse to get the house mother to go away for a week.  The house comes with a couple of creepy caretakers and an overly involved property owner.

Flashback to 1985 where a few guys in a fraternity go on a panty raid.  Their newest pledge is hoisted into the bedroom and instructed to grab some underwear. But instead of stealing it, he tries it on and preens in front of the mirror.  When he is caught by the girls, he panicks and runs down stairs through a huge party and out into the street never to be seen again.  Later a body is discovered in the woods but is too mutilated to determine the sex of the victim.

Back to the present, a killer is on the loose, and at 34 minutes into the film, it starts over.  I mean literally the film begins again -  the exact same footage is used. Why?  All the scenes are repeated, with a little additional footage here and there.  If the first 34 minutes were removed from the film, you wouldn't miss a thing.

The kids are obnoxious.  Joe Estevez looks perpetually confused and Reggie Banister needs to lay off the hair dye.  The sound is inconsistent, but then again the dialogue isn't that great so it's not a big loss.

The ending leaves us with too many questions, including why did the pledge blame the frat guys for leaving him?  They asked him to do a panty raid, not make like a transvestite.  He was the one who decided to try the underwear on and prance around in front of the mirror.  I still can't believe anyone would be stupid enough to do that during a party at a sorority house.

Fear House (2008)

Famous author Samantha rents an isolated home whose basement door is boarded up.  Don't know about you, but there's no way I'd want to stay even one night in a pristine home with the basement door boarded up. It's not normal, I tell you!

Nine months later, her brother, agent, agents assistant, and the daughter of the real estate agent who showed her the place take a ride out to the home since no one has heard from her.  Why are they all in the same car?  Who the hell knows?!

Samantha's husband, who she has a restraining order against, and his new girlfriend show up at the same time as everyone else.  He needs her to sign the divorce papers because apparently he gets half her money once they're divorced.  Why did they arrive at the exact same time as everyone else?  Who the hell knows?!

After searching the house, they find Samantha hiding under a table in the dark.  She tells them they can never leave as the house can read minds and will prey on their fears.  She also spews the legend of Analise who will kill them if they try to leave.  Sounds incredibly stupid so someone leaves, and yup, they're killed by the house.

The rest of the movie is Samantha making you want to punch her stupid face, her hemophiliac brother Anthony accidentally cutting himself repeatedly, general stupidity, and everyones fears trying to kill them.

A major error in continuity occurs when Samantha states the abusive Reverend of legend is their great grandfather, but when they show the family tree, she and her brother aren't on the same branch.  Oops!

Harvest of Fear (2004)

Billy McKinley arrives in Devils Lake to work as an intern at the medical clinic.  Billy wants to go into forensics just like his dad, who worked at the same clinic twenty years ago during the Devils Lake Harvest Festival murders where twelve kids were killed.  A local man was convicted of the murders, but to this day his family still insists he was innocent.

The Harvest Festival involves a bunch of drunk kids rolling into town, running around with masks and causing trouble.  The town puts up with this as it's good for business and the festival provides tons of money for the towns economy.

A group of friends rents a cabin and before long two of them are murdered behind the barn near the cabin.  Normally if a friend were murdered that would put a damper on the trip.  But not for these kids.  Only one kid is upset their friends are dead and wants to leave. The others want to stay because they came there to party.

The police want everyone to keep quiet about the dead bodies as it's the first day of Harvest Fest and they don't want to scare off the tourists.  Eventually there are more murders which prompts the ridiculous comment by the police spokesman, "Although there have been nine murders, we're not prepare to say they're connected..."  Really?

It's pretty obvious who the murderer is. In fact it's so obvious that I thought it was a red herring to throw us off the trail of the real murderer.  Oh stupid movie, I gave you far too much credit.

Also strange is the scene where Billy is picked up for interrogation.  He's in the office being grilled when his girlfriend just walks into the room.  What kind of police station is this?

Girl - I'm freaked that a killer is running around.
Guy - I left my lighter at the bbq. Stay here and I'll go get the lighter.
Girl - Okay (as he leaves her alone in the middle of the woods).
Carnage ensues.

Ripper 2: Letter from Within (2004)

Son of a bitch!  That's what you'll say when you get to the end of this one.  On second thought, don't make that mistake and bypass this altogether.

The movie opens where the first one left off - same scene, same voice over narrative.  Molly, who is now in an asylum, is told that none of her treatments are working so they'd like to offer her the chance to sign up for an experimental program.  The treatment would be in Europe as the methods used would not be allowed in the US.  Molly gladly signs and is promptly shipped off to Prague.  Strange, I didn't know it was legal for insane people to sign themselves up for experimental treatment that is outlawed in the US due to questionable research methods, but oh well.

Doctor Weisser of the Weisser Institute introduces her to the others in the experiment and provides exposition on each individuals problems.  Weisser believes that introducing stimulated trauma in a virtual environment will help the brain heal itself.  Basically, reality is suspended and the person believes everything that is happening in their head.  Uhhhh, wouldn't they already be doing that since they're all insane?!?  And since when is it a good idea to subject a damaged person to more trauma, even if it's simulated?

Weisser believes genetic material contains life experience.  Since Molly is a descendant from Jack the Ripper, she would have Ripper DNA.  Fantastic!  So it shouldn't be a problem to let her roam around the nightmare in her head where she's stalked and killed by the Ripper.   When the nurse wants to taper Molly's dosage due to Molly's excessive response to the simulated trauma, Weisser says no since she's his best subject.

Here's where the plot starts to twist uncontrollably, as if it wasn't in jeopardy of imploding already.  Software problems cause Weisser to take his test subjects to Prague for a day of cavorting.  Here the film is padded out with raves, a dance club, and more death.  Ooops!  Nope, it's all virtual reality.  They never went to Prague.  Oh wait, somethings in the program with them.  Scratch that, it's a dream.  No wait, it's real.  Nope, that was actually a dream again.  Is this real?  Yes..... no, wait, it's really a dream.  Wait, what?  Seriously movie, why would you do this?!?!

Of laughable note: The Ripper sounds like a Tiger.

Nonsensical dialogue:
Molly - "Can the brain lose touch with reality and get lost in the dream world?
Weisser - If so, we wake you up.

Ripper: Letter From Hell (2001)

Formerly the leading profiler of serial killers before dropping off the map, Professor Kane is teaching a class on - what else -  serial killers.  He teaches his students they must think outside the box or become a victim.

During a party at an old warehouse, one of the class members is murdered.  One of the study groups in class decides they want to try to solve the murder.  But Molly,  the only survivor of a killer five years earlier, opts out as it's now real and not just theory.

After more students in the class are murdered, the policy believe the killer is targeting the class. Molly suggests that the killer is mirroring Jack the Ripper as the wounds on the students match the wounds on the Ripper's victims in order of their death.  The professor doesn't listen to Molly's Ripper theory so a classmate who works in the morgue decides to inspect the body of the latest victim.  Before she meets a similar fate, she is drugged and hallucinates Cockney prostitutes.

The study group, or what is left of it, heads up the the Professors cabin in the woods.  A cabin which has no phone and no way to contact anyone in case there is a problem, oh like say... a killer in the woods.  While discussing the case further, Molly notices that the Rippers victims and her dead classmates have the same initials and are dying in the same order.  Instead of sticking together to stay safe, they start fighting and split up.

The odds of the students in the same class having the initials of the Rippers victims is astronomical.  I'm guessing they thought they were clever by coming up with this angle, but instead it makes it seem so contrived.  Also the professors whole class revolves around thinking outside the box to avoid being a victim, and studying the methods at which serial killers gain the trust of their victims.  So I guess none of them did much studying because everyone ends up doing things that put them at risk.  I guess the one thing you can say about it is that it's way better than the absolutely horrible sequel.

Bloodlust Zombies (2011)

Scientists devise a chemical for use in war that causes enemy soldiers to kill each other, thus eliminating the need for our troops to risk their lives.  The problem is the scientists have been so focused on their task of creating a killing machine, that they never devised a way to stop them once the enemy is dead.

An accident in the building unleashes the toxin and the building goes into lock down.  Although the lab has  just celebrated the success of the serum - with champagne in blue plastic flute glasses -  once it is released in the building their reaction is, "God help us."  So maybe they should have done better work since accidents and sabotage are always possible.

For a lab that does secret government projects like this, they have a terrible security system.  In order for the doors to be released from lock down (security can't override it), they need to shut off the power to the building, then turn it back on and reboot the system which takes twenty five minutes.  Security has to check the doors to make sure they are locked and no one can get out until the system reboots.  Strangely everyone panics when the lights go out, even though there was just an announcement that the power was going to be shut off.

When the accident occurs,  several people in the isolation lab become infected and begin killing.  Since no one can get out of the building, the virus starts spreading.  A temp worker who just arrived for her first day of work convinces security to let her into the control room and then proceeds to verbally rip the guard apart.  She is the most annoying character.  Everyone watching the film hated her and wished she'd die. It's the only film I can think of where you want people to stop helping the annoying asshole character.  So we all cheered when the guard pushed her out of the safe room. Yay!

Also of note is that Alexis Texas is a porn actress, so that tells you the quality of the film when she's listed as the selling point.

Vampegeddon (2010)

The oldest goth teens on Earth go to the desert to perform a vampire ritual.  It's all fun and games except for one girl who hates her life and actually wants to be a vampire.

After being coerced into taking an old book at a yard sale, they find the book of rituals is real.  When actual vampires arrive, the ancient teens freak out.  The rest of the movie revolves around the spirit of a vampire hunter possessing the smart girl, and the group whining about their miserable lives.

This is one of those movies where you'll laugh hysterically through the first half, but then the laughs wind down and you'll get bored.  The vampires are the white grease paint type and they spend most of their time hissing.  And yes, they do look like the guy on the cover.

We spent some time debating whether the actors were supposed to be teenagers or college students.  They appear to be older than either, but eventually we settled on them being high school students due to the following:

1. they live with their parents
2. they need to steal alcohol from their parents rather than buy it
3. a bell rings to signal the start of class (something that does not happen in college)
4. they need an explanation as to why they are late to class (again, not in college)
5. they keep bitching that they wish they didn't have to live in this town (if you're over 18 you can move)

Things that made us laugh:

• the vampire make up makes them look like Pandas
• the goth mobile is a large white Bronco (or similar looking vehicle)
• excessive use of a fog machine
• distracting dubbing
• bad dialogue
• there are three girls - two have large fake boobs and the third one is smart
• make up sometimes wears off the vampires faces, necks and bald heads
• the line, "Prepare my bride" apparently means remove her clothes since that's all the minions did

Very, very low budget and it shows.

Steven Seagal Lawman (2009)

It's Steven Seagal.  He's in New Orleans.  He's a lawman. He's a one many army and he enemy is crime.  Yup.

It's basically Cops starring Steven Seagal. As if Seagal being a police officer isn't surreal enough, he disrupts every crime scene visits.  Both victim and criminal does a double take, forgets their problems and asks for an autograph.

Night of the Living Dead 3D (2006)

Barb goes to the cemetery with her brother Johnny, an even bigger douchebag than he was in the original film.  When two zombies appear, Johnny drives off and leaves her at their mercy.  Barb runs away, through the woods and down a dirt road.  She's either been running a really long time or there's a lack of continuity as it's now nighttime and  she's still running.

When Barb calls Johnny for help, her phone message confirms that she has major issues.  She apologizes for getting mad at him as he had no choice but to leave her alone with killer zombies.  Oh Barb, grow some self esteem and a backbone.  Johnny is a jerk for abandoning you.

Somehow the zombies find her again, but luckily a young man on a motorcycle rescues her and brings her to his friends farm.  They find the family and their farm hand smoking weed and watching the original Night of the Living Dead.  Inexplicably after zombies bite the  farm hand, they are not alarmed.  They try to make him comfortable rather than taking heed of the movie they are currently watching.

In more stupidity, they shoot the zombies in the chest, not the head.  And what sort of idiot shoots a zombie through a window?  By breaking a window on ground level, you've just given them a way into the house.  Aargghh!

An explanation for the zombies is provided by the local mortician who hates cremation, but it's not a great explanation and the ending is really stupid.

Eye of the Beast (2007)

Dr. James Van Der Beek - referred to as Science Guy by the less intellectually developed locals -  arrives in town to conduct research as to why the fish population is disappearing.  The town's economy is based on fishing and there is mounting tension with blame being levied at the Native Americans who do not have the same restrictions on their catch.

Our Lady Sheriff is not a very bright bulb.  She invites Science Guy on a search for a missing tourist, but spends her time strolling down the beach chatting as if on a date.  Luckily after she walks by the dead body without noticing, the ever alert Science Guy brings it to her attention.

For years Lady Sheriff has insisted the tales of a giant squid in the water are true and when Science guy tries to back her up, things in town take an ugly turn.  In a twist, Lady Sheriff closes down the lake and doesn't risk everyones life.  Then again, there wasn't a big festival that weekend, it was just the towns livelihood.  Everyone gets mad at her, but seem to have amnesia regarding the fact that Science Guy was called in because the fish are disappearing from the lake.

It's a harmless little movie with cliches we've all seen before, but it's an okay way to waste a rainy afternoon.

Zebraman (2004)

Ignored by family and picked on by students, a teacher escapes into a fantasy world where he pretends he is a superhero.  Inspired by a short lived TV show he watched as a child, he makes his own Zebraman costume and ventures onto the streets at night.

The first night he hears a woman scream and stumbles upon a serial killer who has what appears to be a giant crab on his head.  As the teacher clumsily fights this villain, he discovers that somehow he has acquired the actual powers of Zebraman.

At school, he befriends a young boy in a wheelchair who is also ostracized, and by coincidence also enjoys the obscure show Zebraman.  The two team up as they deal with government agents  looking for aliens, criminals, and the alien menace itself.

I enjoyed this film, but I found myself looking at the clock since it is overly long at almost two hours.

House of Bones (2010)

Sinister Sites, a ghost hunting show, has been losing viewers so the network decides to change its format.  Since reality shows are popular and cheaper to produce, they decide to send the shows host out into the field to work directly with the ghost hunters and camera crew.  The host, Quinn, is not happy about this because he's a pompous ass with slicked back hair, a pony tail, and an enormous ego.

When the crew arrives at the old house they are going to investigate, the producer is upset as it looks decidedly less spooky than when they last saw it and appears to be freshly painted.  The interior is also clean and they find food in the kitchen.  Strange since the home has been deserted since 1951.

The psychic who's been hired does not have a good feeling about the house.  But since everyone thinks shes a fake, they just ignore her and tell her to wait until the cameras are on to start her act.  The show has been on for four years, but they've never found anything paranormal.  None of them believe in ghosts or psychics.

The realtor who rented the house to them flips out when she discovers they are already inside.  When they tell her the door was unlocked when they arrived, she is skeptical.  She is also upset that they plan to stay the night since their contract states they only have five hours in the daytime inside the home.  Not only that but an overnight stay is not covered by the liability insurance.  Although she could lose her job by letting them violate the contract, she agrees to let them film overnight.

Trouble starts for the crew when Bob the PA disappears while setting up.  Then the psychic coughs up blood and says the house holds a malevolent spirit.  No one else is concerned with either of these incidents.

Once the cameras start rolling, the psychic tells of her impressions of the house.  While she does this the producer talks over her and shouts about how he loves the house, thus rendering their footage unusable.  The producer thinks everything is fake - blood spewing out the psychic, ectoplasm in the wall, a shoe stuck halfway into the wall that wasn't there when they arrived and looks just like the PAs shoe.  It all culminates in a ridiculous, harbinger from hell,  haunted house with a devil pit ending.

Stupidest dialogue:
"There's ectoplasm in the wall"
"Where did it come from?"
Producer - "The bank realtor most likely."

Seriously?  Why would a realtor ever put ectoplasm in a wall?

Death on Demand (2008)

A rich college student decides to launch a business venture in reality TV with a pay per view web cast.  He offers three couples $5000 to spend the night in the supposedly haunted house of a mountain climber who killed his entire family.  The house is filled with web cams and the couples need to survive the night and find the exit by following clues that he's left for them.

The webcast starts with a seance in which they call the spirit of the mountain climber who arrives from the beyond complete with climbing gear and an ice axe.  The house isn't that big and with all the web cams, the host should have noticed him before he'd killed some of the contestants.  See that house on the cover?  Yeah, that's not the one in the film.  It's probably 1/3 the size.

The characters are obnoxious and you don't care whether they live or die. Actually, you prefer that they die.  The worst are the annoying shrieking girl and the girl with the weird voice.

Dead Mary (2007)

How many Bloody Mary movies are there? Even though this says Dead Mary, it's still the same game - go into a dark bathroom with a candle, say her name three times while staring into a mirror, and pray nothing kills you.

A group of friends gets together at a remote cabin for the weekend.  One couple, Matt and Kim, break up on the way there which makes things awkward.  All of them attended college together except for Baker's new girlfriend, Lily.  Since no one knows her and it is a reunion full of in-jokes and reminiscing, she is mostly ignored or made fun of behind her back.  Everyone jokes that she's just a baby because she's twenty two, but she doesn't look any younger than the rest of them.

The first night, some of them decide to play Dead Mary.  After nothing seems to happen, they decide to go to bed.  During the middle of the night, Matt hears noises, wanders outside, and is killed by someone he recognizes.

As the others run towards the front door after hearing his screams, they find Lily dazed and bloody.  She accuses Eve of killing Matt, and the others head into the woods to see if Matt is okay.  They find him dead, but he appears to be regenerating and coming back to life.  They repeatedly kill him, but he keeps coming back.

The movie is inconsistent with too many plot holes and characters who seem to waiver about their sense of self preservation. I will give credit to the premise of not being able to kill the creature as the scene of them repeatedly trying to kill Matt creeped me out.

But the movie left me wondering as it never offered an explanation for the following:

1. So Dead Mary is hiding in the mirror waiting to start the apocalypse?
2. On their way there, the gas station is abandoned and they later realize there are no campers or boaters on the lake.  The creatures say it is happening everywhere.  So it has nothing to do with Dead Mary?  Because I'm pretty sure everyone isn't playing that game.
3. After Eve is accused of being the killer, they pair off and her partner is nonchalant about it, even though they know one of them is the killer.  Argh!  Stick together, people!
4. Where did the drops of blood in the bathroom come from?  Were they significant?
5. How does the creature know how to dismantle automobile engines?
6. Lily is locked in the closet and Amber is guarding her. Why do they close the door to the room effecting leaving Amber alone?  Wouldn't it be better to keep in visual contact to make sure nothing happens to poor Amber?
7. I know it's a long way to town, but there's a freakin' killer at the cabin, so why not walk there?
8. What happened to Ted?  It's his parents cabin, but there's no sign of him.
9. Why would Dash believe the rant of a reanimated corpse who says that his wife is cheating on him with his best friend? When a corpse comes back to life, isn't the proper response Oh my freakin' god! rather than beating up your best friend based on the corpses comments?

The Haunted Boat (2005)

Kevin inherits a boat from his uncle, invites his friends out for the weekend and who the hell knows what happens.  The motor stops working. The geeky guy jumps into the water and never resurfaces.  The others freak. They hear things at night. There is a presence  outside on the deck. Two guys go off in a dinghy and disappear.  A creepy ghostly stranger show up. Wait, the two guys are back.  Ooops, they're gone again. Wait, they're all dead.  Um, what?

When you try to be tricky and put twists, red herrings, dreams, parallel universes, and hallucinations in a film, unless you're very lucky and good at your craft all you end up with at the end is viewers uttering a collective, "what the hell.....?!"

The Curse of the Screaming Dead (1982)

aka Curse of the Cannibal Confederate Soldiers

Six friends head to the woods for a weekend of camping and hunting.  After hearing noises in the woods, they discover the ruins of an old church and a graveyard.  Inside the church they find an old box which contains diaries and a Confederate flag.

Sarah thinks they should steal the flag because it might be valuable.  Most of the others argue that they shouldn't take something that doesn't belong to them.  Idiot Mel decides to steal the diaries which causes zombies to rise out of the ground and seek revenge on all of them.

The group gets lost in the woods, the police show up, zombies do some chompin' and there's tons of padding to round out the film.  Of particular note is the footage of zombies rising out of the ground which is repeated.

This is difficult to watch as it's not good on so many levels.  Sometimes the film looks washed out while other times it has deeper colors.  Not sure if this is the print or the film stock.  The police chiefs close ups are in the dark, but in the far shots the sky is light.  There are rotting zombies with clean teeth and pink gums.

None of the characters are particularly likable and the acting won't win any awards.  The worst are Sarah, a haughty blond who reads her lines like she's in a 1940s comedy, and Kyomi, a whiny blind girl who acts like she's six and cries when she hears bells.  Why they brought a blind girl on a hunting trip is inexplicable.

Proteus (1995)

When their boat explodes, a group of drug smugglers take refuge on a deserted oil rig in the middle of the ocean.  Unfortunately the rig is a cover for a lab which does genetic experiments.  Basically think  Aliens with a monster on the ocean instead an alien in outer space.  The monster vision looks as if they are shooting through a film of red water.

Fangs (2002)

A college professor experimenting on bats is murdered and his bats escape. Detective Ally Parks, who recently came to town from the big city, wants to work the case.  But the chief of Police thinks her theories regarding bat attacks being responsible for the professors and other recent deaths is ridiculous.

Meanwhile local real estate developer Carl Hart has a new neighborhood in the construction progress that he hopes to pitch to the crowds at the annual Apple Festival.  So when Parks and local vet/animal control officer Dr. John Winslow want to shut down the festival, Hart will not hear of it!  The Chief sides with Hart as he believes Parks is a trouble maker, what with her big city ways.

In a major script error, those trying to stop the bats discover that tin cans mess up the police's radar and theorize it will work on bat radar.  One problem - bats don't use radar, they use sonar.

This movie was written for kids, so there is no gore or real scares in it.  It's okay for what it is, but don't expect anything original.

The Nesting (1981)

An author suffering from agoraphobia decides to rent an amazing old house that looks exactly like the one she envisioned for the cover of her latest book.  Lauren moves in expecting peace and quiet so she can concentrate on her next novel, but soon starts seeing and hearing things.  She starts to wonder if it's all in her mind and begs her therapist to make a trip to visit her.

Lauren is unaware of the buildings past use as a house of ill repute, but her nightmares are filled with ghostly images of women throughout the home.  There is a creepy caretaker, scary locals, and a town secret that Lauren threatens to uncover.

The architecture of the house is incredible.  It was shot at the Amour-Stiner House in Irvington, NY.  The house is an octagon and has all sorts of fantastic details.

The movie is an atmospheric ghost story so don't expect to see lots of blood.  It relies mostly on a pervasive feeling of uneasiness as you're not always sure what is happening, or why Lauren resorts to some of the stupid moves she does. Really, a floor board breaks and instead of getting your feet over onto another solid board, you drag yourself out the window five stories up onto a tiny ledge? Come on!

Seance (2006)

During school break, some friends stay in the dorms and decide to have a seance as one of the girls keeps seeing the ghost of a little girl in their bathroom.  The dorm used to be apartments and a murder took place in their room.

But instead of contacting the little girl, they summon the spirit of a murderous Janitor who used to live a couple of apartments away.  He starts roaming the halls, whistling, and killing.

The students aren't supposed to be in the dorm during break, so they don't ask the security guard for help.  When he leaves the front desk, they try to get out the doors but find them locked.  Are there really dorm doors that don't let people inside out without a key?  It seems like that would be a major safety violation as if there were a fire no one would be able to get out.  

With their escape plan thwarted, they go back up to their rooms and ties some sheets together even though it looks like they are about twenty floors up.  Why not look for a window closer to the ground? I'm not impressed.

Diego is played by AJ Lamas, spawn of Lorenzo, and it shows.  Time for Renegade: The Next Generation.

The Vineyard (1989)

A group of actors visit a winemakers estate in hopes of landing a role in his new movie.  While they all believe this weekend is a  casting call, in reality he needs blood to prevent aging.

Victims shacked in the basement and when they die are buried under about six inches of dirt.  At night, the corpses rise and attempt to get into the house.  Seems like there is a better way to handle that since his security guards are constantly fighting off the dead.

There is an overly long and confusing costume party scene where everyone dances and acts stupid.  The scene just appears out of nowhere.  Were they told to bring costumes for the weekend?  It's just weird.  One guy dresses in drag and another dresses in short shorts, muscle shirt, and a fake mustache. Creepy.

James Hong not only stars in the film, he also wrote it.  This is probably why the film features him in a sex scene.  The film also features a girl puking up spiders, a guy in a crop top, and a female character named Jezebel.  Watch for the newspaper clippings and photos in books which are obviously poorly done paste jobs.

Code Red: The Rubicon Conspiracy (2001)

An elite military team is sent into the jungle on a mission and discovers the bodies of the previous team.  The bodies look like beef jerky as they've had the life sucked out of them and appear extremely gaunt and old. An alien in body armor is seen near the bodies and another creature is draining people like juice packs.

The leader of the team has been brought back from a dishonorable pschyciatric discharge, but he's the best man for the job and of course, the back story is not what it seems.  It's fairly tame and scene after scene is taken right out of Predator.

Deep Space (1988)

When a government experiment in outer space goes awry and crashes to Earth, the creature aboard - a dormant killing machine - is revived, which is unfortunate since control over the creature is questionable at best.  It always amazes me that whenever scientists  make a creature that's a killer, they never figure out a fool proof way to destroy it in case they lose control.

In another story line soon to intersect, two buddy cops involved in a shoot out turn in their guns until internal affairs can clear them of wrong doing.  They end up at the crash site and grab two rocks that look like over sized pecans in order to conduct their own experiments, which as you'd expect go horribly wrong.

First rule of mystery items that fall from outer space?  Do not stick your hand into them, poke them, or crack them  open.  Second rule?  Don't wander through a crash site or take home inexplicable items as souvenirs.

Unintentional comedy is achieved when our hero flings an alien bug off a doctor and onto his girlfriend.  His girlfriend is a cop.  She is extremely useless.  She freaks out over anything that happens.  I'd hate to call the cops and have her show up.

Also the foley was ridiculous.  Footsteps sounded like horses, or like kids hitting upside down plastic cups against a table top.  It was really distracting.

Deadlands 2: Trapped (2008)

When the government releases a virus into a small town to check it's effectiveness, those affected become zombies with an insatiable blood lust.  Success!  Oddly enough that is what the government wanted since their intent is a zombie soldiers who will attack the enemy and keep on killing until no enemies are left alive.   As usual, there is no thought of how to make sure the zombies only attack the enemy or how to stop them once they've eaten the enemy - a major flaw in their planning indeed.

A group of survivors take refuge in a theater.  Their cell phones don't work and zombies have surrounded the building.  One of the survivors has been bitten, but as is often the case, they don't consider that he may turn into a zombie at some point.

Deadlands 2 is a sequel in name only.  The film is a big step up from the first Deadlands, which admittedly was a bunch of friends who got together to make a movie, (and it showed).  While it's much better than the first movie, there's nothing exceptional about it as the plot points are fairly cliche.

Croc (2007)

A land developer wants to shut down a local crocodile tourist attraction that also includes elephants who play basketball and monkeys in cages who screech a lot.  The developer pays some goons to let loose the crocs, and also calls in reports of animal abuse which cause an investigation.

Coincidentally a giant croc eats some teens and the escaped crocs are blamed.  The police can't figure out that the crocs weren't released until that night even though there is a witness to the attack which was in the day.  Also the fences are cut so the crocs can escape, but owner Jack is told that he is responsible.  How does that make any sense?  There's not much you can do if someone sabotages your fence.  But this is in Thailand so maybe things are different there, or perhaps the law is in the pocket of the land developer.

Then right out of Jaws, their own Captain Quint shows up  - a crocodile hunter with a steel leg who has been chasing the great beast for years. So the hunter and Jack, who reminds me of Kevin Federline, team up to smite this menace from their town.  Hurrah!

Actually it's fairly bland and there's not so much giant croc in it.

Spiker (2007)

After opening credits with a way too happy theme song, serial killer Spiker escapes from the police while being transferred by ferry to an island asylum.  News reports state he's died since he was shot by the cops while jumping into the water and didn't surface.

Cut to a group of teens who head out to party at the old Shaw place.  Lisa is a descendant of the Shaw's, but no one has stayed in the house for years.  Once at the home, they find a creepy caretaker and a grave in the back yard.

The mention of Spiker, who killed twenty seven people in town, freaks out Lisa and also makes her unnerved at being at the house.  I kept expecting some back story as to why no one should ever  mention Spiker around her, but it's never revealed.  Yes, it does turn out there is a connection between Spiker and the Shaws, but Lisa didn't know about it until later in the film.

Spiker, whose name is derived from his use of railroad spikes to kill his victims, mysteriously surfaces from the water.  It seems like railroad spikes wouldn't be an easy thing to run across as I don't think I've ever seen them just lying around.  Luckily Spiker rises from the water right where a workman is repairing a railroad trestle.  It's never clear what is going on with Spiker or how he survived.  Though he looks kind of spooky, he might just be an albino.

The most ridiculous scene is the one that leads to Spikers escape.  While on the ferry, he is shackled to a metal pole.  When he fakes a Grand Mal Seizure, one of the policemen insists on releasing him.  It wouldn't be good to hit him with a defibrillator paddle since he was attached to a metal pole.  However their alternate plan is to lay him down on the deck of the ferry which is obviously metal.  Yikes!

The Dead and the Damned (2011)

aka Cowboys vs. Zombies

The generic cover drawing made me wary since it screams "here are things which do not happen in our movie but we think you'll be enticed since they appear to be zombies."  That sentiment was spot on.

When I see this type of cover, I know what I'm getting which is something not very good. However I was surprised at how well shot the movie was.  Usually this level of movie making has camera work that lets you know they have no grasp of photography and their only basis for film making is that they own a camera.

Bounty hunter Mortimer is in search of Brother Wolf, a "savage" who raped and killed a white woman.  Mortimer buys a woman named Rhiannon to use as bait to catch Brother Wolf.   The idea works but not for the reason Mortimer intended.  With his captive, Mortimer sets Rhiannon free and heads back towards town to claim the reward.

Meanwhile a couple of prospectors find a glowing meteor in the hills and transport it back to town in a long padded sequence included to show how far they traveled and how heavy the object is.  As the town folk gather round to stare at this odd find, the prospector takes a pick to it and releases green gas which turns everyone into zombies.

Back in the woods, zombies have spotted Mortimer and Brother Wolf.  Rhiannon lets Wolf go in hopes that he'll help her when she needs it.  Mortimer and Wolf team up to fight the zombies and protect Rhiannon.  They head back to town not knowing that they are walking into the source of the problem.

One of the biggest problems with this film is there is tons of padding.  At least one third of the movie is people walking, Mortimer riding a horse, or people running around.  None of it is exciting and if these scenes were deleted it wouldn't make any real difference.

Another issue is that while it is set in the Old West but there many modern things in the movie.  The wanted posters appear to be computer printed, the town is newly built using plywood, and many of the characters are wearing modern pants and boots, including Brother Wolf.  Plus the music is modern rock which completely detracts from any western feel to the movie.  If I'd heard the score by itself, I would think it was for a modern film about teens or college students full of angst.

Historically speaking, no one would ever ride into town and ask a random stranger on the street to take care of their horse.  You'd board your horse at the Livery stable.  But I don't think they could afford to rent more than one horse for this movie as I don't recall seeing any other horses on the streets of town or anyone other than Mortimer riding a horse.  Hmmmm, maybe a western wasn't such a great idea.

The blood is CGI which isn't the worst I've ever seen, but it's not that great.  The problem with CGI is that when you shoot someone in the foot and the blood splatters, you need to make sure your next shot doesn't reveal that his boot is unscathed.

Also I would be remiss if I didn't mention that as soon as Mortimer opens his mouth, you will be shocked at his unnaturally high voice.  It reminded me of Michael Jackson and was very disconcerting as he's supposed to be a tough, gun slinging, bounty hunter.  I got used to it after awhile, but it's very  distracting and does nothing to portray Mortimer as a tough bounty hunter.

Bloodmask: The Possession of Nicole Lameroux (2007)

In 1491 in France on what appears to be the set of a high school play - dark fabric background, black table cloth and echoey dialogue like in a high school gym - a priest puts the blood mask on a witch who curses him and his descendents.

After an overly long scene of the witch rolling on the ground with blood coming from under the mask, we cut to present day and an  amateur rendition of a college classroom where everyone is act-ing!

The movie mirrors The Curse of Lizzie Borden, which is no surprise since some of the same people are involved.  Nicole has hallucinations in class, just like the lead in the first movie, and has a priest for a father.  When the class decides to have a party in Old Lady Munford's abandoned mansion, it's the same house as in Lizzie Borden. So we've got some of the same actors, same locations, same plot,  but it's much more painful.

Classmate Justin has a key as he's keeping an eye on the house.  When he lets everyone into the mansion, we find it miraculously free from dust, dirt, and cobwebs. It looks like someone is currently living in it.  The house is ornate and old fashioned except for two rooms which look like modern offices.  To start the party, one of the girls pulls out some homemade burritos.  Because nothing says college party like ziplock baggies of burritos.

The group decide to tell scary stories in the parlor.  One story is that Ms. Monford's plastic surgeon put the blood mask on her.  When her gardener showed up - he was having an affair with her -  he finds her   with the mask stuck to her face.  Even though she's bleeding and panicked, he doesn't take her to the hospital or call the cops.  Legend has it that the lady and mask disappeared.

Shortly after the story finishes, a hooded figure kills one of the girls and puts her head on a silver platter in the kitchen.  When the group discovers it, they barely react.  They stand around discussing what action to take as if they were trying to decide who to call if their car broke down.  One of the guys even tries to make out with a girl while standing next to the body of their dead friend.  Are you kidding me?!

Turns out Nicole is a hallucinating virgin, plus there is a subplot about girls being spanked that has something to do with becoming a witch.  Foreign girl June has an annoying accent and gets in a slap fight with Nicole, reigning little girl blows on her.  And it just keeps going downhill from there.  This is a tough one to sit through and you'll get no satisfaction from the resolution.  It's ultra low budget and you'd be better off watching the similar, but not so painful, Curse of Lizzie Borden.

The Cave (2005)

The best cave diving team in the world is called in to help Dr. Nikolai explore a newly discovered cave.  As the team heads deep into the underground channels to set up base camp, an accident causes a collapse which blocks their way out.  Since everyone is trapped  - good job, best team on Earth - they decide to attempt to find another way out since they believe they will perish before help will arrive.   They are usually the ones called in for this type of rescue mission and they don't have enough supplies to last until someone realizes they're missing.

As they explore the caverns and waterways, they find that they are not alone.  Something is attacking and killing their team.  Legend has it that demons live in the cave, and the creatures they see are not anything known to man.

While it's big budget makes for some nice scenery, there isn't really any life or excitement to this movie.  It's okay compared to some of the low budget movies, but that's about the best you can say about it.  Also just a question - did he really need to rip open Kathryn's wet suit to administer CPR?  It seemed gratuitous.

Alligator X (2010)

aka Xtinction: Predator X


After her fathers disappearance, Laura returns to the bayou to run his swamp tour business.  Charles, her professor ex-husband who has been banned from teaching in the US due to his experiments on living creatures, shows up unexpectedly to talk about her father's land.

After brushing him off, Laura takes a young couple on a tour which is bound to end in disaster.  Not only has Laura not been in the swamp for years, but the young man is in the marines and will be shipping out in two days.  Oh and he's going to propose to his girlfriend on this tour.  All you'd have to throw in is that he's going to retire and he's about to have his first child, and you'd have hit all the bases for guaranteed death.

Meanwhile the Sheriff is looking for some missing people, including some of his own force. After heading out into the swamp, he manages to get stranded on a ladder after the giant alligator chomps his boat.  Not sure why a ladder is leaning against a tree in the middle of the swamp, but the Sheriff spends quite a bit of time up there, so I guess it is handy for something.

Meanwhile Charles is working on his secret cloning project with his two inbred hillbilly henchmen.  Why would anyone ever hire inbred hillbillies to work with scientific equipment?  I can see using them as enforcers, but they're involved in the actual scientific process too, which makes no sense especially since one appears to be mentally challenged.  So much for valid scientific progress.

Alligator X is a much better title than Xtinction:Predator X.  I would not have even bothered watching something that reminds me of the Predator. But alligators are another story. However the problem with both titles is that they bring thoughts of Malcolm X and how are you supposed to take the alligator seriously after that thought?

Also the CGI alligator is as ridiculous looking as the one on the cover and it's size is inconsistent.

Rottweiler (2004)

With a movie named Rottweiler, I would expect a lot more  Rottweiler in it.  Instead our story centers around Dante, who escapes from prison after a year behind bars, and heads across country to find his girlfriend, Ula.  The back story is told via flashbacks and as Dante's memory returns, more of the blanks are filled in.

A prison guard and rottweiler are hot on Dante's heels. When the guard is killed, the dog continues after him alone. For this is no ordinary dog, this is a killer robot dog.  It's got metal teeth and a steel skeleton. Oh lordy!  It will stop at nothing to get it's man.

The description of a killer cyber dog sounds pretty awesome, but there's not enough dog in it.  The movie is more about Dante trying to find Ula and remembering the events of the last night he saw her.

Since this is a foreign film, there are some scenes of full male nudity as Dante decides to take a bath in the river after having just dispatched of the dog. Foolish man.  This leads to a naked man  / cyber dog fight, and lots of footage of Dante running away.  I'll have to give him credit for one thing though.  This is the only film I've ever seen where a naked man scampers up a cliff like a monkey. It's actually pretty impressive as all I could think was that if he fell he would seriously hurt his nether region.

2012: Supernova (2009)

Scientists in a race to stop a supernova headed towards Earth decide to try their top secret computer program.  But while trying to access it, lead scientist Kelvin is attacked by a masked intruder who tries to gain access to the system.  But the intruder is denied during the fight - chop socky!

The scientists wife and daughter (who look too much alike and are often interchangeable) are trying to get to the base as that is the safest place.  But instead they spend most of the movie driving poorly, wrecking cars, retracing their steps or running across the desert.  Silly women!

While the movie has many ridiculous moments, there are two that stand out.  The first is when the mother and daughter are driving one of their many cars down the road.  The daughter screams "Look out!" and the mother swerves off the road, risking their lives and wrecking another car.  The ridiculous part is that if they'd just kept driving straight, everything would have been fine.

The other one is during the fight in the secret computer room, when the mystery masked intruder makes an exclamation and the voice is obviously female.  Yet Kelvin is apparently only book smart as he can't figure out the masked fiends identity - even though there is only one woman in the entire base.  Oh silly scientist, should you really be in charge of saving the earth from destruction?