Evil Eyes (2004)

Jeff is a screenwriter who is hired to write a script based on a filmmaker who murdered his own family and then killed himself.   Jeff delves deep into his research, watches the killers film, visits the house where the murders took place, starts having nightmares and then whatever he writes in the script happens in real life.

After trying to get out of writing due to his fear that any horrible thing he writes will occur to someone he knows, he gets writers block.  With the production company putting pressure on him,  Jeff decides that the only thing that could inspire him is to move into the murder house with his wife Tree. Yes, that's right, his wife's name is Tree.

Once they move in, Jeff's nightmares get worse, weird things happen, and he starts thinking about killing his wife.  Is he crazy?  Is it all coincidence?  Does he have some sort of biological connection to the killer?  And why isn't this movie better?  It would have been far more creepy and enjoyable with Udo Kier as Jeff.

Nazis at the Center of the Earth (2012)

Researchers in Antarctica are kidnapped and brought beneath the surface into a world inhabited by the infamous Dr. Mengele and his nazi zombies.  Mengele transplants living tissue, organs, and bone into any nazis who are wearing out.

With the help of some of his captives, Mengele brings to life Robo-Hitler, who is right back at it with his plans for domination.  But long monologues full of exposition drag the movie to a stand still.

Here's the problem I have with the movies put out by The Asylum.  Great title, great idea, but the execution of said great idea is not all that interesting.  Just because you're a low budget movie doesn't mean you shouldn't try even a little bit to be entertaining and competent.

You would think a movie couldn't miss with zombies, nazis,  and Robo-Hitler. That's right, Hitlers head in a bubble with a huge robot body. On top of that he owns a UFO that he can use to fly right out of the Earth and cause havoc.  But somehow, even with all this, the film ends up getting a reaction of myeh.

Paranormal Incident (2011)

A group of friends working on a thesis (which is never explained) go to an abandoned lunatic asylum for the weekend.  The team is split into believers and skeptics, a point which is repeatedly hammered into your head - even though when it comes down to it, the skeptics aren't very skeptical at all.

The movie is told in flashback form by John, who is in the hospital, being questioned by police as to what happened to his friends.  He's a suspect in their murders, even though no bodies have been found.

The movie is mostly told via P.O.V. footage from the cameras the group brought into the building.  It's strange that the police  think John is a suspect since the footage shows he was not at the scene when his friends died.

In fact, John excused himself before they started the investigation.  He and Tess were planning to scare the others by having John coming back to the asylum around 3am to make noises.  Seems like a stupid idea for multiple reasons, including that this is work for their thesis.  Also questionable is that when John leaves he padlocks everyone else in for the night.  God forbid there should be a fire or medical emergency where they actually need to leave the building.

Unintentional humor is caused when the group attempts to leave due to the spirit activity and can't find a way out.  As they sit at base camp and discuss the problem, in the background there two air conditioners in the windows, one of which appears to have blue painters tape around it to keep out  drafts.

Another movie where people go looking for ghosts, then freak out and run away when something scary happens.

Creatures (2011)

A group of friends traveling to New Orleans for a vacation take a short cut through swamp country and end up in a backwater town. While stopped at a hillbilly store to buy some beer, the gang is told the story of Lockjaw, a gator man.

It seems there was a backwoods incestuous swamp family who lived in the swamp. When a crazy swamp gator kills Grimley's pregnant sister/wife, Grimley goes insane.  He hunts the gator to its lair, kills it, and consumes it.  This causes him to transform into a mutant half man, half gator who takes his anger out on anyone who happens to come near the swamp.  And thus Lockjaw is born.  Why must these crazies always target people who had nothing to do with their twisted fate?

After insulting the hillbillies, the gang asks them to provide a map to the House of Grimley.  Yes, always good to ask the pissed off hillbillies to draw you a map to an abandoned tourist attraction.  When the group arrives, there isn't even a path.   But since it's getting late, they decide to wander into the swamp and camp next to the old Grimley house.  Ummm, what?

Even if they weren't concerned about the legend, it's a swamp! So it's crazy to camp out there, what with the gators, mosquitoes, and angry hillbillies, not to mention the legend of Lockjaw. Soon they feel as if something or someone is watching them.  Is it the hillbillies?  The creature of legend?  Whatever.

You won't care about the characters, and while I applaud anyone who uses a monster suit rather than cgi, it's not a good looking monster suit.  Also why do they call the gator man Lockjaw?  If he's got lockjaw, he's not going to be much of a threat.

Metal Tornado (2011)

Good god! Run for your lives!  It's a metal tornado!  Actually it's more apt to say a magnetic vortex filled with swirling metal debris which was sucked in by the massive magnetic pull in an experiment gone wrong that supposedly had no design flaws and has just been sold for big money.

A scientist discovers a design flaw in a program he devised to harness energy from solar flares.  When he tries to call the company he formerly worked for, they are in the midst of selling his idea and don't want to deal from him.  Within a few minutes of this call, his design flaw kills him.

When the first practical run of the program is complete, the scientists monitoring it notice that 2% of the energy has been released.  But what they do not know is that this energy has caused a magnetic vortex and our metal tornado is off and running.

As the tornado ingests cars, grocery shelves, and gas pumps, those who saw it don't think to mention it to the investigators.  Oh, there is one guy who is blind without his glasses, but his wife emasculates him and no one takes him seriously. We get about half way through the movie before someone decides it's important to mention that a magnetic funnel is responsible for the damage.

Lots of eye rolling is to be had at the plot point cliches, dialogue and stupid characters doing exactly what you'd expect them to do - ignore the obvious.  Hilarity ensues when they look at the inventors files and he has one labeled Design Flaws.  Thankfully the scientists are not made up of the Insane Clown Posse and they know how magnets work.

Cheerleader Massacre (2003)

Anytime there are boobs in the credits, you know you're in trouble.  It's not even part of the storyline.  It's just clips of topless ladies with the actresses names next to the nakedness.  Next thing you know they're in a jacuzzi squirting chocolate syrup on each other.  This is still the credits!  Whenever I see embarrassing nudity in a movie, I always wonder if there's a conversation that begins, "Hey Mom and Dad, I'm in this movie....."

Also I'd like to point out that it's not a good idea to show a woman with huge bazooms and then go to a woman with tiny breasts because it makes them look even smaller.

So if you want to see naked women and you're too young to rent porn, I guess this would be the movie to watch.  We were barely able to make it past the credits before the wretchedness  compelled us to shut it off.

The Haunting of Marsden Manor (2007)

Jill, a blind girl with a bad attitude and a chip on her shoulder, has just inherited her Aunt Lillian's home.  Jill never met her Aunt and is a bit unnerved as the house is so far out in the middle of nowhere.  So she asks her friends Rob and Erica to go with her and stay at the house for the weekend.

When they arrive, she starts having visions of a woman in the house.  No one believes her since she's freakin' blind.

The house was built in 1830 and is a huge home with nice woodwork, massive rooms, a huge staircase, and fancy old furniture.  This makes the kitchen all the more strange since it appears to be a modern kitchen in a small New York studio apartment.  It's basically an aisle with cabinets and appliances on both sides.

They stay in the house overnight but not much happens.  There is a door that keeps popping open, the blind girl complains about everything and has a few glimpses of a ghostly woman.  When the door  refuses to stay latched,  Rob takes the unusual tact of nailing it shut.  I can't believe that's the best idea he could muster.  What if they need to get into the room?  Plus it's a beautiful wooden door, but since Jill can't see it, I guess it's not a problem.

The group finds a hidden room behind a modern bookcase and via flashbacks we are treated to a boring interaction between Kate, who has a bad southern accent, and a confederate soldier who she treats after he is injured.  It explains everything that's going on, but it's so lame that you'll think, that's it?  If this is supposed to be scary, they've done a terrible job.

Jills blind shtick wears thin as she takes offense so easily.  When Rob asks her about playing the piano, she states that she no longer knows how to play anymore since she's blind.  Did she use her eyeballs on the keys?  Because unless she had some sort of super eye power, she should be using her fingers.

In another instance when a lawyer is kind of snotty with her, she angrily exclaims, "I am not bright eyed because I'm blind.  So obviously I can't go to law school or any other school.  I can't make the world a better place because I can't see it."  Many blind folks would beg to differ.

When they find the family bible, which says it is owned by Lillian, things become a muddled.  According to the birth dates inscribed, Lillian was born in 1814 which would mean she can't be the same person as Aunt Lillian who just died.

Another issue is the bible verses that were bookmarked were in red ink and everything else in black.  Somehow I don't think the bible publisher is going to print the verses about fear that the family needed in red ink.  Since it was from the 1800s, perhaps underlining with a pencil, or just the bookmark with the verse number to direct them to the appropriate place on the page.

Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutters Cover (2005)

While opening a treasure chest found on the beach, a teenager cuts his finger which drips blood onto the chest. This somehow awakens a rotting old pirate who comes back for revenge on those who stole his treasure.  But in true horror movie fashion, he picks some teens who had nothing to do with it but happen to be  on the beach having a bonfire.  After four deaths in the first fifteen minutes, the surviving couple are blamed by the police for the murders of their friends - even though they called the cops themselves and a cutlass killed the kids.

The teens are put in a holding room at the station, but get upset when the cops want their DNA and won't let them make a phone call.  After discovering a locked door behind a large file cabinet and escaping - is that really an appropriate room to hold your  murder suspects? - the teens attempt to find the real killer.

Their idea of a search for the killer is simply going to their high school, accessing the Internet and looking up serial killers.  After the first site they view doesn't have any info on serial killers who dress like pirates, they decide to switch to looking for pirates.

"Here's a gallery. Let's check out these photos."  Ummm, no. Those are illustrations, you idiots.  Oh, that was easy. They've found him!  Yes, they exclaim that the "photo" looks just like our pirate.... uh no it doesn't.  Our Jolly Roger pirate is more reminiscent of that hippy Dr. Teeth from the Muppets.

illustration of dead pirate - killer pirate come back to life - Dr. Teeth

Also might I make a suggestion?  If you're going to have your characters look at web sites that are central to the plot, make sure you actually take the time to upload your made-for-the-movie web pages to the internet.  Either that or don't show the address bar since we can clearly see that all the pages are saved to your desktop.

When the pirate kills a girl in a strip club, the surveillance cameras are the exact same footage as the scenes in the movie - multiple camera angles, editing, zooms, etc - except they're in fuzzy black and white.

So much ridiculousness, so little quality.

Jazz hands

Nice job taping off the murder scene.

A pirate walks into a bar.....

Make sure not to show the address bar for your fake web site
or someone may notice it's saved to your desktop.

How seriously can we take their research when the one web site
on pirates they look at coincidentally contains only one link
and it's for - gasp -  the one pirate that has been killing their friends.

Shiver me timbers, are ye trying to steal me treasure? 

Don't Go in the Woods (2010)

A lame indie band heads into the woods for a weekend of camping and song writing.  They figure if they concentrate on their songs it will help them get a record deal.   As they're heading into the woods, there is a big sign which reads "Don't go in the woods."  Of course, they ignore it.

The lead singer mandates that this weekend will have no drugs, no alcohol, no cell phones and no girlfriends.  They write a crappy song, tell a long drawn out story about the Windigo, and then their girlfriends show up.  After that more singing ensues... and we're done with this one.  If you can get through it, good luck.  We couldn't.

Husk (2011)

A group of college students going away for the weekend crash their car on a deserted road when they are dive bombed by a murder of crows.  When they wake up from the accident, they realize their friend Johnny is gone and assume he went to get help. But as night approaches and he hasn't returned, two others head toward the farmhouse they see in the cornfield.

Once they manage to get to the house, they discover it is deserted.  When a light appears in the upstairs window, they climb the stairs to find Johnny, bloodied and in a trance, making a burlap mask on an old fashioned sewing machine.

When the rest of the group heads through the corn field towards the house, they are attacked by something in the corn.  The scarecrows are kind of creepy and thinking of being attacked while lost in a sea of corn is unnerving.  But overall the film is unsatisfying and the flashbacks don't add much to the story.

Pontypool (2008)

This is a movie I never would have watched based on the name or the dvd cover.  The word Pontypool reminds me of some sort of pool game and the cover is boring.

After being fired, shock jock DJ Grant Mazzy ends up in an isolated small town called Pontypool.  He's not happy to be there and is even less excited about being expected to broadcast reports on such mundane topics as missing cats.

One night during his broadcast, he gets a call from a listener who tells him an angry mob is trying to break into a doctors office.  The stations reporter in the sky (who is really in a small car on a hill overlooking the town) also phones in a report of the mob before having to go on the run and file sporadic reports while hiding from the blood thirsty mob.

A press call from outside the town limits inquires into what is really going on and asks if the town has really been sealed off by the military.  Grant and his crew start trying to get the real story from listeners and discover there is some sort of virus changing people into uncontrollable mobs of killers.  Their only hope is to figure out how the contagion spreads so they can avoid becoming infected.

I really liked this movie, although I was not completely satisfied with the ending.  Unlike many recent movies, I was actually interested in the three main characters and wanted them to survive.  The actors do a fantastic job, the tension builds, and you keep wondering what is happening outside the studio.

He-man and She-Ra Christmas Special (1985)

Honestly I can't remember much about this because I was laughing hysterically.  We may have been overtired as this was the last thing we watched for the night, but oh my god it almost killed us!

All I can remember is that screw up Orko mistakenly goes to Earth, meets two kids, and brings them back to Eternia.  The kids teach everyone about Christmas and Skeletor's heart grows a smidge, he sheds a tear and does something kind.  There are five million new characters brought in every other minute, but it's so ridiculous that you won't care.

The best summation I can think of is here - The Greatest Christmas Story Ever Told

Mask Maker (2010)

What are the odds that we would randomly pick two movies that had the same lead actor which none of us had ever seen before?  Weird.  The guy who plays Evan was also a lead in Kill Katie Malone.

Evan buys an old farmhouse as a surprise for his fiance Jennifer.  At first Jennifer is angry, but when she finds out the house is full of antiques, plus there's the barn, a few out buildings, and forty acres of land which only cost ten thousand dollars, she cheers up.

The house has been abandoned for fifty years, yet there is no dust and everything is in good condition.  Evan's lack of intelligence is apparent as he is not the least bit suspicious of this incredible deal.  Granted, he probably wouldn't think of a psycho killer who may rise from the dead buried on the grounds, but at a minimum he should check to see if the land was used as a toxic waste dumping ground, or there is some sort of smog belching factory about to be built right next to the house.

While in town to buy supplies, the kindly local store owner (played by Micheal Berryman) and drunken helper Mr. Peck are stunned to hear they've purchased the farm.  Peck spouts a warning, which puzzles the couple, but Evan surmises that Peck is just jealous because Evan got such a good deal on the home.  Oh Evan, simple soft headed Evan....

When Peck drops off the supplies at their house, he sees they have removed the stick topped with an  animal skull from the graveyard - oh did I mention there's a small graveyard behind the house?  Peck  literally drops the supplies and peels out of there.  Jennifer wonders why he's so terrified, while Evan's lack of cranial functioning is confirmed when he reiterates Peck is jealous.  Yeah, jealous people always look terrified and run away in a panic.  And I'm sure he couldn't save up the hefty $10K in the fifty years that the property has been empty.  Yup, he's totally jealous.

The movie takes liberties with films like Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Friday the 13th.  We've got an isolated farmhouse, a killer who wears the faces of his victims, and a girl who puts on the clothing of the killers mother in order to save herself.

There is a twist ending which is obvious.  The most ridiculous part of the film is that when the killer  wears their friends faces, they don't notice.  Oh hey buddy, what are you doing out here? Seriously, they can't tell.

Kill Katie Malone (2010)

When three college students see an online auction for an old box which is said to contain a ghost, they make a bid and win it.  After receiving the box, they open it and find a locket.  They decide to make a wish on the ghost to see if it comes true as this will prove the ghost is real.  Since when do ghosts grant wishes?

When their dorm room is trashed by an unseen force, they are convinced that someone snuck into their room to do it.  Their thought process makes no sense since they were in the room at the time, saw things flying, and no one was there.

When people they dislike start dying, they are unable to make the connection to the ghost box even though the trouble started when the box arrived.  Once a possible connection to the box is mentioned, they dismiss it.

There's not a lot that makes sense in this film.  How can they not suspect a connection between the ghost box and the recent killings since only those who've wronged them die?  Why is selling a ghost box the way to get the ghost back inside, and if it is, why do you need to tell the ghost you've sold the box?  Shouldn't the ghost already know? And if you could buy the box from your father, then why couldn't you sell it back to him, thus trapping the ghost after it got out?

Also I have to mention, when the package is delivered, it is left outside the door to their college dorm room.  First of all, there is no way it wouldn't have been stolen.  Second, University's do not deliver to individual rooms. You usually get a notice in your mailbox, then have to pick it up and sign for it.

Dark House (2009)

Claire is plagued by repressed memories from her childhood when she witnessed the murder of seven children at a foster home.  Her therapist tells her the only way to recover is to face her fears by going back to the house.

In her college acting class, Walston Rey shows up and offers each student $300 to act for one night in his new haunted house attraction, which happens to be the sight of the murders.

The class of six joins the four person team who set up the house.  They are assigned roles and given a tour.  The house is rigged with two thousand laser projectors which react via an infrared sensor that can read excitement or fear.  Walston uses "the worlds most advanced hologram transmissions" to fill the house with creatures, mad scientists, zombies, killers and their victims.  So it seems odd that they want five students to play roles since the house is full of hologram creatures.  The holograms look real, appear solid, and can speak.

As is expected, something goes horribly wrong in the run through.  Mainly the spirit of the murderer takes control of the holograms.  Oh lordy, no!  It gets a little confusing at a few points due to Claire's flashbacks, but eventually that is straightened out.  There is a twist ending.  It's an average film and the hologram technology is a bit silly, but Jeffrey Combs is enjoyable as Walston Rey.

Serial Killing 101 (2004)

aka Serial Killing 4 Dummys

Casey hates school but has a crush on Sasha who reads books about serial killers. When he has to write an essay for career class on where he'll be in ten years, Casey writes he'll be a notorious serial killer and decapitate his gym teacher. Nowadays that would get you arrested for that.  But the kids laugh and the teacher gets angry, not because it's a threat, but because he's not taking the assignment seriously.

Sasah, played by Lisa Loeb, decides she'll help him learn how to be a successful killer if she can be his first victim. After studying serial killers, they decide that the most successful ones are very intelligent and blend into society. Casey, whose general appearance, attitude, and clothing peg him as a troublemaker, starts dressing in sweaters and excelling at school.

As the two work out their plan, they find that there may already be a killer in town targeting high school students. Since serial killers have a specific type of victim, Casey decides he must go after a different group.  But his efforts are a failure as he can't kill. Sasha and Casey develop a theory as to who the real killer is, but the killer may have already set his sights on them as the next victims.

While it's not great, it was mildly entertaining.  It's odd to see Lisa Loeb playing a high school student since she was in her thirties. But if I didn't know who she was, I wouldn't have known there was an age difference as she similar in age to Casey. 

Grave Mistake (2008)

When evil stepfather Karl disposes of barrels of chemical waste in a cemetery, zombies start invading a small town in the middle of nowhere.  Karl's step son Alex is at the local garage with mechanic Mike and a few others, including Karl, who decide to try to get to the local Armory.

When Alex's friend turns into a zombie in the car, Mike shots him in the head causing his mother to freak out.  But a few minutes later, she's telling Mike she knew he had to do it.  Shortly after that when they look for weapons in a hardware store, she's joking around with young Alex.

This is seriously a bad movie.  I appreciate that they were able to get it done, as I know the effort it takes to actually pull this off.  But holy moly, the script, acting, and cinematography are not good.

There are CGI kills and blood.  The make up is sketchy as some zombies seem to have black grease paint covering their faces, while others seem nicely done.  Maybe there were several make up artists of varying skill on the film and some got the crap make up artist?

Our hero Mike, who I think they said is a former Navy Seal, is afraid of abusive stepfather Karl.  Monica sees her sons head blown off and minutes later is laughing and play fencing with Alex.  And oddest of all, stepfather Karl, who is physically abusing his son, seems to be tasked with the comic relief as he mugs his way through the film like he's in a Three Stooges short.

The comic stylings of the abusive stepdad

Also if you're trying to convey that zombies have taken over the town by showing a kid walking down the empty street at dusk, make sure your close ups don't contain the tail lights of cars driving by in the background.

Stopping on a deserted highway during a zombie outbreak is the
perfect place to get engaged. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

Mike, the hero... such as it is

Cars driving by the zombie mob outside the garage

Vampire Conspiracy (2005)

A bunch of annoying unlikable people wake up in a room together with no idea how they got there.  Turns out they've been kidnapped by a vampire who has outfitted them with jumpsuits, and will grant their freedom if they can escape his maze..... actually appears more like a corridor than a maze, but whatever.

The vampire, a French 1700s fancy lad, is fawned over my his minions while spouting dialogue which will make you go into a stupor and ask, "did he say something?"

The unlikable humans turn out to be tied together by an event that affected each persons life in a negative way.  As if their combative personalities aren't bad enough, once each persons connection is told via flashback, the antagonism between them increases.

I try to avoid Brain Damage films as they are usually boring, poorly written, and don't have the budget to do things well.  The acting often feels like community theatre, as do the sets.  As far as the dialogue goes, if you took out the word fuck out of this movie, it would probably only be half as long.

The outside of the ancient stone castle....

...inside the ancient.... modern security door?  

Sir Fancy Pants and his minions - their castle has seams in the walls

Uh yeah.....that (ahem) castle maze is going to be tough to escape.

Damn it, movie!  This is not acceptable!

Haunted From Within (2005)

aka Spirit Hunter: La Llorona


Well the box might say Haunted From Within, but the title on the film is Spirit Hunter: La Llorona.  The story is based on the legend of La Llorona where a woman in love with a man drowned her children to be with him.  When the man finds out, he is repulsed and rejects her, so she kills herself.  Her spirit wanders the earth, crying and looking for her children.

I'll be honest, I don't remember a thing about this movie.  While the plot seems like a decent starting place, the film could not hold my attention.  Every time I tried to watch it, I kept drifting off and thinking about other things, or started doing other things with the tv on.

The only thing I remember is that Anna's earring was found at the crime scene, but they didn't suspect her because a forensic expert said it would take the strength of two people to commit the crime.  How that factors into anything, I don't know as I can't remember one other damn thing about this movie.  That's probably why it was on an eight pack of movies that only cost five dollars.

Needle (2010)

Two years after his father's death, Ben receives the last of his estate.  It's a mysterious box with no  instructions and no one can figure out what it does.  Shortly after his estranged brother Marcus shows up, the box disappears.  Then Ben's friends start to die.

The box turns out to be Le Vaudou Mort, an 18th century box which contains voodoo dolls and is rumored to have supernatural powers.  Now they need to track down the person who stole it and is using it to kill his friends.

While a death box could have been an interesting idea, since how do you catch a killer who never  is in the vicinity of the victims, the movie is fairly bland.  I found my mind starting to wander and didn't care much about what happened.

Astro Zombies (1968)

Crazy disgruntled scientist Dr. DeMarco, who was fired from the Space Agency, decides to make a super human creature using body parts from murder victims.  When the astroman -  who has a defective brain - gets loose, he is responsible for a string of mutilation murders.

Dr. DeMarco decides to try again, but doesn't consider he may want to make an astro zombie who doesn't run on batteries.  There's this censor in their foreheads and if they run out of juice, they can slap a flashlight to their skulls and hightail it back to the lab for a charging.

There are also subplots involving a team of spies who want to make their own superhuman, as well as detectives trying to solve the mutilation murders.

I used to love Ted V. Mikels films but my tastes must be  changing as I found it very difficult to get through this.  Or maybe I just couldn't get into it the night I watched it.  Time will tell.  However it is far superior to the sequel, Mark of the Astro Zombies, which is a chore to watch.

On a side note, spellcheck gave me the option of using Austrian rather than Astroman.

Halloween Night (2006)

A group of friends throwing a Halloween party decide to pull what they consider the greatest prank ever on their unsuspecting party guests.  Unfortunately it is actually an incredibly stupid prank in which another friend, who is unknown to everyone else, pretends to crash the party.  When asked to leave, he beats up the host, pulls a gun and kidnaps one of them.  Then he takes off with his hostage as fake police chase them.

Why this seems like a good prank is beyond me.  There's so many things that can go wrong: someone at the party has a weapon; someone knows karate; someone grabs a steak knife,  etc. Or someone calls the real police, which is what happens.

Interwoven into the plot is an escaped lunatic whose mother was murdered in the very house in which they are having the party.  Think that will factor into this at all?  You bet your sweet bippy it will!

The movie is completely disjointed.  There are scenes that go nowhere, plot points that make no sense - such as putting on your costume in a gas station restroom when you're one of the party planners who is going to be there hours earlier than any of the guests -  and an absolutely ridiculous ending.

Shark Night 3D (2011)

A group of friends head to an island for a weekend of fun.  While on the way, they almost get into a fight with a couple of creepy rednecks at a small town store. But the confrontation ends when Sara recognizes one of the rednecks as her ex-boyfriend.

After the group reaches the island, they decide to go water skiing on the lake which signals it's shark time.  That's right, it's a salt water lake with a huge shark which comes right out of the screen in 3D - or it would if we were watching it in 3D.  Instead, things just loom at the camera making no real impression on us at all.

After the shark rips off Maliks arm, the group discovers their cell phones don't work.  As if things can't get worse, the rednecks show up to make sure everyone is okay.  Odd that they've had a 180 degree personality change and are only concerned about the injured.

Instead of everyone getting on the boat and going back to shore for help, only two of the group go off with the rednecks in order to contact the Sheriff and bring back help.  They don't want to move the injured guy for fear of more blood loss.  But I would think it would be your best bet since he's in serious trouble.  Also it's going to take twice as long for help to arrive since they boat has to get to land, find help and come back.

After the rednecks and their friends drive off, that is when Sara decides to relay an incredibly relevent story about how she broke up with the redneck to go back to college.  This resulted in said redneck taking her scuba diving the next day and... oh my god he tried to kill her in a diving "accident."!?!  Uh, maybe she should have told her friends  he tried to kill her before they got on his boat.

Back to the story - Sara managed to get back on the boat. But as she was trying to escape, she accidentally hit the redneck in the face with the propeller.  She brought him to the hospital but never went back to visit and feels guilty as she believes the redneck thinks she did it on purpose.

Holy mother of God!  Are you kidding me?  Why does she feel guilty?  She accidentally hit him after he purposely tried to kill her!  Come on!  And why would she bring her friends here?  How could she let her friends get on his boat?  Someone gives me that back story and I'm passing on the boat and taking my chances of being stuck on the island or eaten by the shark.

Oh movie, why do you taunt me so?  Sadly enough for a movie called Shark Attack, there are not so many shark attacks in it.

Big Money Rustlas (2010)

It's good vs. evil in the Old West which is full of Juggalos and the Insane Clown Posse. The town of Mudbug is controlled by villain Big Baby Chips.  He's a mean, rich, evil man who does what he wants and won't take no for an answer.  The Sheriff is useless and everyone in town lives in fear of angering Chips.

After a number of years riding the trail, Sugar Wolf heads back into town to find the place in disrepair.  He decides to pin on the Sheriff's badge and clean up the town, starting with Big Baby Chips.

ICP wear their trademark face paint, even though they're cowboys in the 1800s.  There is a ghost with laser eyes (who is barely in the film) and an assassin called The Foot who tools around in a steam powered wheelchair due to his over sized, odorous appendage.  Look for cameos by former stars like Vanilla Ice, JJ Walker, and wrestler Razor Ramon.

Yeah, that's about all there is to it.  The jokes are based on the lowest common denominator and will appeal to Juggalos and fourteen year old boys.

The Gits (2005)

I wasn't familiar with the Gits other than that they were based in Seattle and Mia Zapata, their lead singer, was murdered.  This documentary draws you in and makes you feel for Mia and the friends she left behind.

The film focuses on who Mia Zapata was rather than on her demise.  There are interviews with family, band members, and friends who all paint a picture of Mia as a kind, empathetic person who everyone loved.  A girl who was shy and gawky, but shined when she got on stage.

Friends and band members laughingly recall her awkwardness, yet have such affection for her so many years later that you can tell how much she touched their lives.  Her fathers remarks are particularly moving.

There is a lot of footage of Mia singing.  Even those who never met her or were never fans of the band will sense a feeling of loss at what might have been if she had lived.  The film includes video, photographs, and the recollections of people still moved by someone they will always miss.

Although she was murdered in 1993, the case went unsolved until ten years later when they were able to match DNA from the crime scene to a man who had recently had his DNA added to the national database.

And for anyone wondering, their name was based on the Monty Python skit involving Sniveling Little Rat Faced Git. (I know that sketch is what I always think of when I hear the word git).

Flashback: Murderous Vacation (2000)

As a child Jeanette witnessed the murder of her parents by a serial killer wearing a dress and carrying a sickle.  After spending the next ten years in an asylum, her doctor releases her to take a summer job tutoring French to three rich kids.

Jeanette is not all that keen to do this since she hasn't been outside the institute in ten years and still can't remember what happened after the killer cornered her the night of the murder.  But the doc thinks it would be good for her and sends her on her way.

When she arrives at the mansion, her luggage disappears from the front of the house.  Later it shows up again, but there is a dress missing.  The housekeeper warns her that the kids are horrid, but Jeanette thinks they're lovely.

Jeanette keeps seeing a light on in the stable, but no one will talk about it.  Driving home one night with the kids, she sees a figure in a dress holding a sickle on the edge of the road.  No one else sees it.  But soon someone with a sickle is killing the rich kids friends.

Is it the killer come back for Jeanette?  Is it a terrible coincedence?  Is it all in her head?  And what kind of a doctor would release a women with unresolved mental issues from witnessing the double murder of her parents?

This is a German film so be prepared for questionable dubbing.  While there's nothing new here as far as the story goes, overall it's okay and held my interest. But the last scene made me sigh and roll my  eyes.  Really?

Final Stab (2001)

Kristen invites her estranged sister Angela and boyfriend Charlie to a party at a remote estate.  When they arrive, Kristen tells Angela it's a surprise party for her as she wants to mend their relationship.  But Kristens real intent is to get revenge on Charlie for rejecting her advances.

Charlie has been having nightmares and is not real jazzed to be there, especially since the house is the scene of a multiple  murder a number of years ago.

Kristen enlists the help of her friends by saying she plans to open a mystery murder theater and this will be the run through to see if it works.  Since she browbeats and blackmails her friends, none of them mention that this isn't a viable test run since patrons of murder mystery theaters know it's a show, as opposed to Angela and Charlie who will believe real murders are taking place.

She hires an actor to wear a mask and pretend to kill their friends.  Of course what else could happen in this situation other than a real murderer shows up, kills the actor, and starts murdering people for real.  Extra victims are provided by way of three guys who follow them to the house because one wants revenge on Kristen who is a horrible nasty person.  The three wander around, two get killed pretty quickly, and the last one is still wandering around late at night and annnoyed because he can't get the others on his phone.

The music seems beyond the budget for this film.  And yes, the mask looks as stupid as it does on the cover.  Add knives that are obviously fake, characters you'll dislike, numerous plot holes and you've got yourself a movie, I guess.

Video Violence 2 (1987)

The sequel to Video Violence revolves around Howard and Eli, the killers from the first movie, who have a pirate tv station.  They cut in on other channels and broadcast aptly named The Howard and Eli Show.  The two act as hosts and introduce clips of  murders they commit, and encourage fans to submit their own homemade snuff films.

Three girls are so enamoured by the show, that they decide to kill a pizza delivery guy.  Seriously?  You don't think they can trace that back to you?  These amateur killers aren't even clever.

The movie is just like watching bad public access tv, and I mean that in the worst possible way.  It's painful to watch, the acting is horrible, and most of the movie takes place on a badly put together sound stage.

Video Violence (1987)

A couple moves from New York City to a small town in New Jersey to open a video store.  When an unknown tape is returned  in a video box, the owner and clerk pop it in the VCR and see what appears to be the murder of a local man.

When the owner tries to file a report with the police, the Sheriff begrudgingly accompanies him back to the store. But upon their arrival, they discover the clerk and the tape are missing.

When another tape is left at the store, the owner goes to the the police again.  The Sheriff doesn't believe him. Since the owner  won't leave, the Sheriff puts the tape into a huge old vcr but hits the record button instead of the play button.

The couple start getting uneasy as they realize the townsfolk only rent gore or porn, and tapes of murders keep showing up at the store.

This is very low budget.  Sound appears to have been recorded using the on camera mic as there is no sign of ADR.  There is lots of background noise, the music sounds like a midi keyboard, the Sheriff has a bad toupe, and there is tons of padding in the film.  Also the killers are really annoying characters.

Attack Girls Swim Team Vs. The Undead (2007)

Aki, the new girl in school, bonds with an overly friendly girl who is on the swim team. Oddly enough they have matching birth marks.

When the school begins mandatory vaccinations, those who get the shot turn into zombies except for the girls on the swim team.  The girls try to determine why they aren't changing and figure out how to survive.

Flashbacks show that Aki used to be the prisoner of an insane, flute playing, rapist, mad scientist who trained her to be a water assassin.  That refers to her coming out of the water to kill, not  assassinating water.

With zombies and mad scientists, you'd think this would be great (other than the rape), but it's not. Great title, so-so movie.

Illegal Aliens (2007)

I'm at a loss as to figure out how this got approved every step of the way.  You'd think someone would have said no at some point.  There is so much wrong with this.  It's like watching a train wreck.

Three space aliens come to Earth, take the form of sex pots and become stunt coordinators in Hollywood.  Soon after a bad alien arrives and plans to destroy Earth while the good aliens try to stop him.

Anna Nicole Smith is a retarded space alien with a squeaky baby voice who mugs for the camera and can turn herself into cars, helicopters, or anything else.  Joanie Laurer is another alien and chews the scenery so badly that it's hard to believe she's not the worst actress in this film.

Meanwhile a federal agent played by the cab driver from Giancola's Time Chasers runs around trying to catch the aliens.  It's painfully bad and there are too many jokes about flatulence.

Yellow Brick Road (2010)

In 1940 the entire population of Friar, NH walked into the woods never to return. Searchers found the bodies of half the townsfolk along the path, but what happened to the others  and why they left remains a mystery.  As the documents on the case have recently been declassified, a research team decides to go to Friar to discover what really happened.

When the team arrives in town, they are stumped to find that the coordinates for the head of the trail are on a sidewalk in front of a movie theater.  This leads me to conclude they are the worst researchers ever.  Seriously, did no one look at a map?  Has anyone ever done basic research before? Have they never heard of this thing called the internet?  Or did they just decide to make like Scooby Doo, pack their cars and go solve a mystery?

They obviously didn't do any research online as they could have found information regarding the current state of the town, including google maps to check out the current terrain.  Yeah, real nice research, jackasses, I'm sure you'll be successful in your quest.

After talking to people in the theater they do stumble upon the path.  After going deep into the woods, they begin to hear music.  But they are terrible researchers and only entertain theories involving the music having something to do with the mystery of the missing people.  How about entertaining some other possibilities?  Maybe someone else is camping in the woods and listening to music.  Or perhaps the sound is carrying up the mountain from a lake area.  Or maybe it is a radio station being picked up by something.

The group start to act weird and get urges to hurt others.  After a fight with his sister who steals his hat - a hat that he had found in the woods and believes is from the townspeople who disappeared seventy years ago, yuck why was he wearing it? - her brother goes insane, chases her down, and starts pummeling her.  Then he rips her leg off at the femur with his bare hands. That's right,  I said the femur. Sigh, it's all down hill from here people.

The best summation for this film is people wander through the woods for days listening to big band music, and then they're insane.  Yup, that about sums it up.  The biggest problem is that not much happens in the first half of the movie.  Plus almost every scene takes place during the daytime.  Pretty scary, huh kids?

Also the music is happy, bouncy, big band stuff, and while sometimes music can be effective when used ironically, it isn't here.  When bursts of noise occur, it was just unbelievably annoying, rather than scary.

Shallow Ground (2005)

As the last boxes are being packed up at a small town Sheriffs station that is closing, a naked boy drenched in blood and clutching a knife wanders into the building.  The boy appears to be in a daze and won't speak.  Strange things start to happen after his arrival.  At times he bleeds profusely. The blood spills across the floor but it seems to have a life of its own as the boy can make it move at will.

The Sheriff is convinced that the boy has done something horrible.  Not sure why he doesn't consider that perhaps something awful has happened to the boy, traumatized him and sent him in shock.  If he's a killer, its unlikely that he'd go to the police rather than trying to hide his crime.

The Sheriff and deputies spend their last day in the office trying to figure out who the boy is, what happened to him, and what else is going on in the town as people start disappearing.

While the premise is interesting, the trailer is effective, and the music is creepy, overall the movie fails as there are too many plot holes.  A bus breaks down on the only bridge out of town as a convenient plot device to keep anyone from leaving.  The Sheriff doesn't notice the stench of dead bodies when they are in the next room.  The killer, who seems to have lead a normal life, not only wants revenge but apparently is completely psycho since the victims are held together with fish hooks and sitting them at the dinner table.  Also the killer needs strength to tie up the victims and hang them from trees, as well as stealth to sneak up on them. Once the killer is revealed, I'm not buying that the killer could do any of that.

Creature (1985)

Heavily influenced by the movie Alien, a space ship lands on Titan, are targeted by a hostile life form, meet a melty faced German who eats a big sandwich, and end up feeling really stupid when the tiny alien that attaches itself to the astronauts head can be ripped off and destroyed by being stepped on.  Boy do they feel stupid, especially the dead guys.

It's hard to tell the characters apart since they all wear the same type of space suits and have over sized helmets.  The Ripley character is supposed to be able to handle anything but she ends up getting felt up by Klaus Kinski, and then gets lost on the planets surface.  Really, she's not much help at all.

This is more of a slow moving, dialogue heavy movie typical of space movies in the 80s.   The alien life force takes over the bodies of its victims and there are a few bloody scenes of space carnage, but other than Kinski there's not much of interest here.