The Legend of Jack and Jill (2021)

 Aka Jack and Jill

A horror movie based on a nursery rhyme, yet with seemingly no relation to it except a pail and their names.   Our movie opens with a mother dragging a son and daughter up a hill as a man chases them.  She tells them to keep running and never trust anyone, while she goes back to stop the man from harming her children.  Fifteen years later -  oh crap, that’s not a good sign - a woman hiking by herself in the mountains finds a pail and is set upon by people in the woods.

Cut to a group of friends who meet up at a hostel for a weekend hike in an area where there seem to be a lot of missing hikers.  No one is concerned, even after meeting two sisters handing out flyers of their recently missing sister. Away everyone goes into the woods and carnage begins.  

So much nonsense.  Why do soon to be dead hikers find shiny new pails in the wild? Shouldn’t they be rusty or do Jack and Jill have a pail guy? Why do the sisters ask the group to hand out flyers on the trail when they are going hiking themselves?  Why do  the sisters shy away when they hear someone in the woods when it could be their missing sister? Also why does everyone think no one else will be hiking on this trail?   Why does Jill talk like a caveman?  Did she get a head injury during her years in the wild?  Both children spoke correctly when their mother left them in the mountains. They wouldn’t lose the ability to speak just because they only had one other person around. And what’s with actors who have no idea how to fake cry? Or was it supposed to be a panic attack or asthma attack? And when they knew there were killers in the woods, why didn’t they group together to run back to the hostel? It seems it would have been easy to go either up or down that hill so all could be together, rather than go back separately. 

Ridiculous dialogue:

She has to be here. She’s our little sister.

Sister 1 - There’s someone in the woods.

Sister 2 - Don’t let your mind play tricks on you. People go missing in the woods all the time.

No one else would be up, here, would they?

That’s a lot of missing people flyers for one area.

Would you pick up a pail in an area known for missing
people where local legend is about the killer spawn of an
insane woman roaming the hills

It seems like a lot of these films have one really
cool shot in them and the rest is meh.

How could no one have stumbled on them before if
they are living in the cool bunker? Also what a
great place to shoot a movie.

Return of the Scarecrow (2017)

After spending the first 25 minutes of the movie in flashbacks that could be quickly covered by telling the legend of the scarecrow, we cut to present day where a group of friends is heading into the woods to camp. When they stop at a bar, they’re warned it’s not safe, but as in any horror movie, they decide to go camping anyway.

Two guys from the bar decide they’ll scare the campers by dressing as scarecrows, but end up getting separated.  When one of them bumps into the real killer scarecrow, he thinks it’s his friend and spends the rest of the movie hanging out with it while trying to scare people.

This is supposed to be an 80s throwback horror comedy. However it doesn’t evoke any feeling of the 80s and the jokes fall flat. I only laughed once, which was when a mob was trying to fight the scarecrow and one guy kept repeatedly trying to stab it with a plastic fork.

One of the problems with the film is there are too many characters being introduced for no real reason.  Not including the people in the first twenty five minutes of the film, we have: 

• the bartender and former bartender
• the four campers 
• the two guys who dress as scarecrows
• a cop and a receptionist 
• A priest in a car with a passenger
• A couple at home
• Partying teens and a kid on a bike
• A couple kids
• A person reporting a mob to the police

How many of these people matter? Not many as you could get rid of most of them without any real difference in the movie.  The cop is only there it take phone reports about the scarecrow and ignore them because he thinks it’s a prank. Even though he gets multiple calls, one from the priest, he says nope, not going to look into it.

Another problem is the tough chick isn’t tough, but just an unlikeable woman with anger issues. Is it the actresses delivery, the dialogue or both? It’s always odd when movies have characters who are jerks but they seem to want you to root for them. Nope, they’ve got to be likeable or have some character arc where they learn a lesson. 

Ridiculous dialogue:

I have a gun and I’ll use it.

Oh yeah, well I have a stick and I’ll kick your ass.

Isn’t it a sin for a man of the cloth to participate in pranks on people?

Amityville Cult (2021)

Aka Amityville Secret

Stanley DeFeo gets an email from someone stating they are trying to settle an estate and are 99 percent sure Stan is the woman’s grandson and the inheritor of her house.  It sounds like a scam, especially since the inquiry is through email. But Stan figures he’ll take a chance and heads out to Amityville to meet the lawyer. 

After arriving at the run down house, Stan pads the film by walking around outside before heading in where he finds his grandmothers journal.  As he reads, we get a flashback in which grandma Marie tells of moving to Amityville with her lawyer husband, feeling lonely, falling for a creepy guy who works with her husband, and devil worship. Well that escalated quickly.

Back in the present, Stan meets the lawyer at a local cafe to ask some questions. When the diary is mentioned, the lawyer becomes interested and asks Stan to bring it by the office. That’s pretty weird.  But not as weird as a stranger who screeches warnings at Stan to get out of town and not trust anyone.  Stan is alarmed, but the lawyer brushes it off.  As they speak, we are treated what sounds like coffee grinding in the background.

Soon Stan will learn the devil cult is still in town and they’re interested in him.  Stan will also discover that you can’t get out a door by jiggling the handle.  We see multiple scenes of him jiggling door handles and panicking because he can’t open the doors.  Just turn the handle, Stan.

There is tons of padding in this movie, including more than five minutes where we are literally shown footage we saw earlier in the film, but with a filter and whispering in the background.  We also see Stan walking everywhere even though the size of the town is unclear. He drove for a long time to get to his house, yet he walks everywhere. He walks around his yard, through town, and follows the crazy guy into the woods. 

Also is plating and putting dinner on the table for a person who isn’t home really a thing? Has anyone ever done this in real life?  I’ve never run across this except in movies.  If someone isn’t home, you either leave it in the oven to stay warm, or leave it in the serving dish. 

Lastly in this day and age, how could Stan get an email saying he has an inheritance and not do any research on whether this is legit or not?  He calls the lawyer to say he’ll drive out there. But he never googles the lawyer, his family name, the house, the town, or his grandmother.    

Best line in the movie

Now run, you little idiot!

This is so awkward looking. They almost look conjoined.

First day on the job and there’s a creepy guy

Super creepy guy somehow steals his wife

Oooo, it’s the Amityville house. Isn’t it scary, kids?

The pumpkins are still good. How long has this house been empty?

I like this building.

Rats nest hair when meeting her husbands coworkers

It looks like someone dropped a cloth rather than
a baby on an orphanage doorstep.

Amityville Scarecrow (2021)

Aka Scarecrow Camp 

When their mother dies, estranged sisters Tina and Mary inherit the Amityville Cornfield, Camp and Caravan Park.  Unlike the cover, there are no houses in the film. They aren’t even in the US, which should be pretty apparent based on the fact the trailers are called caravans.

The will states both sisters inherit the estate and must agree on how to manage it.  Tina wants to fix up the park and rebuild her relationship with Mary. Mary wants to sell the park and get the hell away from Tina.  They are at an impasse. Tina tells Mary she’s not selling.  Neither can summon the cranial capacity to figure out that one way to agree on management is for Tina to buy the park, paying off Mary for her share.

The sisters are estranged because Tina slept with Mary’s husband Derek, who then left her to be with Tina. Why Derek is a catch is beyond me, but they’re still together so this family reunion is pretty awkward.  Tina is delusional since she thinks Mary should just get over it.  And Derek is a super douche since he tells Mary she’s being unfair and that Tina misses her and would do anything for her.  Right, except keep her hands off her husband, sell the caravan, do anything to make her comfortable, or listen to how she feels.   Tina is all about Tina.

But when the scarecrows on the property come to life, the sisters put aside their differences to try to survive.  They also find a camcorder which has a tape in it and in the middle of their fight for life, decide to watch it. It’s their mother telling them to never touch the land, or what’s on it, and to leave it to rot.  Uhhhh, she may have wanted to include that in the will since this is extremely important and they stumbled across it by chance while hiding from a killer scarecrow.

Another crappy Amityville movie which has nothing to do with Amityville except using the name to get you to watch it.  Questions abound. Why would their mother not include the vital info about the cursed land in the will? Why does the family split up when heading to the car? Why not wait for the person who is going into the caravan to get the keys? Why would only one cop be sent to the scene when a caller says someone is trying to kill her family? Why are Tina and Derek so callous that they believe it’s no big deal they betrayed Mary since it was so long ago and Mary should just get over it?  

Clueless dialogue:

Daughter - Why wasn’t there any corn in the fields?

Mother - Stuff never grows. It was as though someone harvested it for years.

Mary - You destroyed any chance of a relationship with me the day you started sleeping with my husband.

Tina - That was a long time ago, Mary.

Mary - I don’t think I could ever trust you again.

Tina - Things take time.

The land was purchased by a company who promised to turn it around and in memory of the awful crimes promised to call it Amityville.  

Mary - How have you been?

Derek - Well the business never took off like I wanted. Shit happens.

Derek - You don’t need to stay in the past, Mary. To be honest, I think you’re being a little unfair. 

Derek - Your sister has missed you. You only get one chance in life. Don’t block her out. She’d do anything for you.

Police woman - Who goes there?

Harriet - It was me. Harriet Childs. I was the one who called.

Tina (to Mary about Derek) - You know, in a way, I think he missed you at times.

It’s Amityville UK. 

It’s not a good sign when your title is a basic font.

The caravan park has seen better days.

It looks like they actually lit it with headlights.

The awkward reunion. And why fight over this guy?

I kept thinking her head band was a bandage.

Mummy Reborn (2019)

Tina inherits her mothers estate, which is essentially a house she can’t pay for and care of her mentally challenged brother Max. She’s not doing a good job paying the bills, getting to her job on time, or caring for her brother.  

When the antique store she works at tells her they’re closing because they’re operating at a loss, bizarrely she begs them to reconsider since she needs her job.  Since Tina has no proposal for how they can actually turn a profit, they ask her to do inventory so they can auction off their inventory.

When Tina’s boyfriend Luke sees a photo of an amulet in the back room , he determines it’s worth a lot of money and proposes they steal it. His bandmate is involved in some sketchy stuff .The guy can steal it, sell it and their money problems will be solved. 

Tina reluctantly agrees since she doesn’t know how to pay for her house or take care of Max. She unlocks the store and lets them in.  I’m not sure why she thinks that wont point to her, but the police don’t seem very bright so she’s in the clear.

The group of thieves not only take the amulet, but a large crate. When the theft is discovered, the shop owner tells the police she’s not concerned with the property, but is concerned because whoever took it is in danger.  Since the security footage was also stolen, the police suggest she stole it so she could get an insurance payout for her failing business.  Surprisingly neither of them consider Tina a suspect, even though she’s wide eyed and nervous looking, and is the other person with a key.

When Tina meets up with the thieves later, she’s upset about the crate and that her brother Max is with them.  But since she hasn’t paid her babysitter in awhile, Luke had to bring him along.  When they open the crate, they find the mummy and assume that means a bigger pay day. Later Max breaks a piece off the amulet and the mummy starts strolling around. Soon the mummy is turning women into his wives and when the buyer shows up, no one knows where the it’s gone.

The description of the movie says a group of teens steal the amulet, but these guys are nowhere near close to teenagers. It’s hard watching the guy who plays Max. He’s so unconvincing. It’s like he watched What’s Eating Gilbert Grape and wanted to channel Arnie, but ended up channeling a three year old. 

Also unconvincing are the randomly inserted lines of what is supposed to be humor. None of it is funny so you start questioning if other non-funny scenes are supposed to be humorous.  At one point, Max gets injured and blood is streaming out of his head as if from a garden hose. This was the only time I laughed because the blood stream was so over the top. Was it supposed to be funny?  Based on his sister sobbing and the sad music, I guess not.

Also if you hope for anything like the dvd covert to appear, you’ll be sorely disappointed. No motorcycles, no Jeep, no guns, no desert, no glowing mummy eyes, and no pyramids.  They never leave England and the mummy wears a rubber mask. I don’t remember any CGI in this film so if it was, it wasn’t much and wasn’t that good.  It’s another in a long line of not very interesting bad movies that makes me wonder why I watched it. Oh yes, I keep hoping something hysterically ridiculous will happen. It usually doesn’t.

What the hell is on the table?

Yeah, the mummy’s walking outside.

Why is Tina’s hair always a total mess

It’s hard to take the mummy seriously when he give his
wife a headpiece of soft fabric rather than gold.

From out of nowhere, this happens

The least threatening larpers

This was my favorite shot in the film.
Drone above over the woods

Oh damn, the headpiece gets worse.
Since when do ancient Egyptians use Velcro?

Ladies and gentlemen, your mummy and amulet

Burning Bright (2010)

What’s that? The movie is about two kids trapped in a house with a tiger, while there is a hurricane coming. Wasn’t the tiger enough?

Kelly brings her autistic younger brother Tom to an institution so he can be cared for while she goes away to college. When they inform her the check bounced, she calls the bank and finds out the account was closed by her stepfather.  Kelly’s mother, who is deceased, put the money in the account so it could be used for Toms care.

When Kelly goes back home to confront her stepfather and demand the money back, she finds out he’s already used spent it. He bought a tiger and is going to open a safari park. The tiger is his show piece and the seller told him it’s an evil killing machine. 

But enough of this tiger business, here’s a hurricane coming and the windows and doors on the house are being reinforced with plywood.  Tom and Kelly head off to sleep, while her stepfather tries to figure out it what to do with the tiger.

When Kelly wakes up in the middle of the night, she finds she and Tom are trapped inside the house. Then she see the tiger walk by the stairs and panic sets in.  Imagine how afraid she’d be if she knew the tiger hadn’t eaten in two weeks.  

The rest of the film is the kids trying to stay alive and figure out how to get out of the house. Well, only Kelly is doing any of the thinking and hoping Tom can manage to keep quiet.  The tiger can break through walls, doors, whatever is in it’s way seems to crumble in front of it.  They did an okay job with tension, but you don’t have to worry too much because usually big budget movies don’t kill children. 

The Orphanage (2013)

Aka Milwood

After his parents are killed in an accident, Nathan is placed an orphanage.  The first day he throws jello in the face of a bully and head master Mr. Clemons tells Nathan he’s lucky they don’t lock him up since this could be considered assault. There is obviously an issue with Mr. Clemons.

Nathan is yelled at, scoffed at, and told he’d better not mess up. The kid just lost both his parents, his home, and his friends. So this is not so much an orphanage, but something out of Oliver Twist. He’s getting no counseling or any sort of compassion. The things he’s doing are minor, such as doodling in class or leaving his room at night, but the staff go ballistic on the poor kid.

The only one who treats him well is Judy, who is supposed to evaluate him.  But Mr. Clemons decides he doesn’t need her input and throws Nathan into B ward, which is for troubled children.   Nathan doesn’t want to be in B ward.  Nobody wants to be in Ward B. The kids in A ward says the place is haunted, plus the kids in B seem totally out of it. 

It’s never clear why the staff are so hostile or what is really going on. What do they get from harming the children? Why is no help offered to a child who just lost his parents? Why did they hire Judy to do evaluations when she is a caring person and everyone else is abusive? Wouldn’t it have been better to hire someone on the same page who wants to destroy children? When the Department of Family Services comes to check on Nathan, why don’t they actually check in on him? They walk the grounds with Mr. Clemons, but never talk to or even see Nathan.  

At first I thought this was going to be a rip off of Guillermo del Toro’s The Devils Backbone.  It starts so similarly. A child in an orphanage which is supposed to be haunted and has an abusive staff. Then the child wanders down to the pool at night and is surrounded by creepy children.  Argh! Ghosts!  Nope, there’s nothing haunted about this place. It’s just a bunch of horrible adults who, for reasons never explained, are all okay with abusing and murdering children.

Dead End Demon (2017)

Whenever a movie starts with a bible quote, I know I’m in trouble. The movie quickly introduces three characters and it’s not clear who they are or how they are related in the context of the story. A woman is attacked and shows up at what I thought was the police station - even though it’s a woman in an office and no one was wearing uniforms.  Then they mention someone is off on assignment in Seattle and I think okay, they’re reporters. Nope, they’re detectives and the person on assignment is the daughter of a detective. Totally confusing.

The story revolves around serial killer Cameron Crowe who was picked on in grade school. Fourteen years later, he found the bullies and killed them. Plus apparently he shot up a school and killed some innocent kids. 

Reporter Tina, who he had a crush on, figured out where he lived, broke into his house, and stabbed him with his own machete. What the hell? How is this woman not in jail? No explanation is offered.   Cameron was declared officially dead, even though there was no solid evidence the body was his since they had to “pick it up with a shovel.”  

Now it’s Halloween and the killer has returned. Is it Cameron?   You won’t care.  The movie kind of rips off Halloween even down to the music, but has nothing new to offer and isn’t very interesting.  Although it’s sometimes funny how the music abruptly stops as they transition scenes.

Dialogue that should have had ADR or been reshot:

Don’t you think you’re being a bit haste?

The unconvincing limping scene

There are three people in this shot.

Wreck (2020)

Mercifully short movie about a middle aged woman on a mission to deliver a briefcase whose partner accidentally crashes the car and dies. She’s left in the woods with her foot stuck under the wreck.  Her cranial functioning is limited since she spends several days lying there without making any effort to escape.

It should be an easy fix. The car is in the woods, the ground is dirt, and dirt can be dug with your hands, a stick, anything in your pocket, or the shoe on your free foot. Yet she lies there hoping someone will help her.  

At one point it rains and the ground gets muddy, which would make it easier to get her foot out. But still no thoughts of escape infiltrate her brain. As time passes, she even contemplates cutting off her foot rather than using the knife to loosen the dirt around her foot.  I wish I were joking about that.

After a few days, she makes a slight effort to escape and this is when the monster shows up. What monster, you ask?  The one that looks like it’s made out of those fuzzy foot shaped rugs from the 1970s. It’s a very silly looking monster and would more be confusing than scary.  

When she does manage to get out from under the car, she runs off as if her foot is absolutely fine. Not even a slight limp on this human wonder.  Her brain’s not great, but that foot must be made out of iron since there’s no injury or any issue with circulation after being crushed for two days.

There is a lot of padding in this film. Many scenes go nowhere or have awkward transitions to show a passage of time. And just when you think she can’t get any worse, she tries to hide in the basement of a barn and turns on the light.  Hiding 101 is never turn on the light if you don’t want to be found. 

Whatever will she do. How can she ever get out.

Still stuck. Maybe foot removal is the answer. 

Monster!… or a rug or a muppet

Psycho Scarecrow (1996)

 Five teens go to an old farmhouse to party for the weekend. When their car breaks down, they cut through the cornfield to get to the house.  There is a legend that the settlers of the area were refugees from the Salem witch trials and the cornfield protects those who protect it. Plus something about Satan which I can’t remember because I was confused about the witch refugees.

The story is told via narration on a tape recording made by one of the teens before she plummeted to her death from a high rise.  The police figure this out when they find a running tape recorder on her bed. Did she kill herself or was she murdered? Maybe the tape will tell them. 

However what they find is a long story, complete with useless narrative, such as “Floyd told us he was lost. Of course, he was only joking,” or “I was so relieved when we got to the other side. I promised myself I’d never walk through another cornfield.”   Someone in fear for their life would probably leave the mundane observations out of it.

At the farm, the teens have a campfire and cookout, and one couple goes off on their own.  Floyd, who likes taking photos, takes their picture as they’re making out and half undressed.  This causes Eric to beat creeper Floyd up and leave him in the cornfield.  When the others insist on going  back to make sure he’s okay, they find Floyd dead. Fearful of getting in trouble, Eric decides they need to get rid of the body and never speak of it again.  Oddly enough this involves putting Floyd in the cornfield as a scarecrow with a pumpkin on his head.  Sigh.  

And just like that somehow we’ve got a demented killer scarecrow on the loose looking for revenge. Plus two cops investigating either a suicide or murder, depending on which cop is speaking.  There is so much narration in this movie that I wonder if it didn’t make sense and this was a way to explain what was going on. 

While it’s not a great movie, it’s so much better than the crappy movies from recent years I’ve been watching. There is definitely more entertainment to older low budget bad movies, than recent horror which is just plain bad.  Sometimes enjoyment is relative. If I watch this after a good movie, it’s going to seem really bad. But if I watch this after recent low budget movies, it would seem like Casablanca. 

Ridiculous dialogue

I ain’t got no imagination. I’m jut a cop doing his job.

You’re a piece of work with your quick promotion and your fancy shoes.

This isn’t funny anymore.

Anyone who wears flip up glasses is a douche

Is this really the way to the farmhouse? There’s no road

They left the top down all night. Condensation must
be inside as well as outside

CGI pumpkin head goon on a motorcycle

No pumpkin has ever been this shape.

Conjuring the Genie (2020)

Aka Evil Genie; aka Devil Djinn

Journalism student Morgan stopped going to school after her dads death.  She returns after a friend urges her to start going to lectures, but her professor doubts she can make up three months of missed work.  Morgan asks for help in getting caught up and the professor decides if she writes a paper about an urban legend, he’ll consider that completion of the past work.  

For a journalism major, Morgan doesn’t seem to know much about research. She looks online for an urban legend for her project. At that point I must have lost consciousness because for the life of me I have no idea how she and her friends ended up doing a genie summoning ritual with a guy named Daniel they didn’t know, and who disappears when things get weird.  Did everyone see that rubber faced genie? Yup, but they shrug it off and go back to their lives.

Unfortunately the genie wants their souls, which requires them to make a wish.  And in true monkeys paw fashion, the wish is going to go horribly wrong.  While everyone else’s wish is going sideways, Morgan wishes for her dad to come back. He seems fine after three months of death.  He doesn’t even look bad. They later find that Morgans wish is working because she held the amulet during the ritual. However if she doesn’t recant her wish, all her friends wishes will go very wrong.  Will Morgan recant? Will all her friends turn into weird monsters with no souls?  Will we care?

This isn’t a great movie. The genie is wearing a rubber mask. His mouth never moves when he talks.  Leah, who told a guy she casually dated she was pregnant as a way to keep dating him, wishes she were actually pregnant. Wouldn’t it be a better to wish he loved you? A pregnancy without love is an obligation and she’s on borrowed time until he meets someone else.

Then there is the girl whose hairdresser says she doesn’t have what it takes to be a model. She wishes to be perfect and turns into this doll with a cracked face. What happened? How is that perfection?  It doesn’t make sense.  But I guess it’s a wishing demon so hurrah!

I don’t know what this is supposed to be but I like it

The rubber mask of the wishing genie. What is that in the
upper left? It sort of crept into the frame. Is it a camera lens?
A flood light? What is it?