Lake Fear (2014)

Four girls plan to stay in an old cabin in the woods, which turns out to actually be at the edge of a field. They have no idea who owns the place or if someone lives there. They’re not even exactly sure how to get there, which leads to our teens hiking through the woods to get to the mystery cabin. It’s not clear why they’re going there or how they found out where it was, but it sounds like a bad idea over all.

Tina is a mean girl with a bad attitude who you hope dies first.  When one of the girls says they may get in trouble if the owner of the house show up, Tina scoffs and says they’ll pretend they’re lost and needed help so they went in.  None of them are very bright since there is a light on outside the cabin and its fairly clean inside. So someone is keeping this place up. But they go in and make themselves at home.

Soon evil spirits are unleashed, a large man shows up, and the film uses tons of horror movies tropes, which they probably thought were scary, but combining them just makes the film super annoying.  There is a lot of dissonant noise, voices with echo or devil effects which make them unintelligible, and a couple sections of complete cacophony where a soul singer and horror movie music play at the same time. It’s all annoying, rather than scary.

Not only are the characters unlikeable, but they make terrible decisions.  One is lying in mud on her stomach and her arms are pulled into the ground. But once she frees herself, she continues to lie there and look at her arms as if perplexed.   Yup it would be confusing but also creepy as hell so why would you continue to lie there? At a minimum, please move back three feet.

This had tons of padding. There are slow motion scenes of them driving in the car and an inexplicable time lapse of an industrial building while the girls walk into the woods.  What is the building? Why are we seeing it? I have no idea.  You’d be better served by watching the Evil Dead.  At least you want those characters to escape. These girls are so annoying and entitled that you just think, well they got what they deserved since they decided to take over someone else’s house.

I was stunned when I saw on IMDB that this a horror comedy. The synopsis provided by the filmmaker says it’s a generic spoof premise. What was supposed to be funny? Where was the over exaggeration for comedic effect?  A lot of low budget movies have painfully unfunny dialogue which you can assume is supposed to be funny, even though it’s not.  That this was supposed to have comedy makes the movie all the more disappointing. It wasn’t interesting, funny or enjoyable. Surprisingly there are two sequels.

Who is he and why does he show up out of nowhere?

Tina’s usual expression because she thinks everyone is an idiot

The Devil Complex (2016)

Aka Baciu Forest

This is basically Blair Witch in the snow in Transylvania but nothing happens.  When one of his students disappears while researching Baicu Forest, a professor spends a few years trying to figure out what happened to her. He discovers her video camera buried in the snow, uploads the footage to the web and commits suicide.  The rest of the movie is footage of Rachel, her cameraman and sound guy. 

Rachel, Joe and Tom travel to Transylvania to investigate the myths surrounding Baicu Forest. They start by doing interviews with locals in the street. Some of them believe the stories, while others think it’s just rumors.  But no one really wants to go there.  They are warned to stay away because “the forest looks into your soul and judges you and decides if you live or die.”

The group talks to a cantankerous old dude and follows him into the Forest, which seems like it may be more of a park based on the gaps in trees which could be paths.  There is snow covering the ground so we can’t really tell.  The group walks for a long time and eventually the old due freaks out and runs off. They yell after him and aren’t sure what to do since he ‘s their guide. No one can figure out that there is snow on the ground and they can follow his footprints, or try to retrace their step.  

It’s not clear how long they’ve been walking or how much it has snowed. So maybe retracing their steps would eventually lead to a place where their footprints are covered. But it might be better than sitting in a forest in winter that is ruomored to kill people who go into it. And again, there are gaps in the trees which potentially are paths hidden by the snow.

There is a lot of running, falling, nausea inducing camera swings, and people making bad decisions.  What there isn’t a whole lot of is anything scary.  Also when the movie opens with footage from their camera, it sounds like they are laughing. Then you realize it’s people running through the woods in the dark and it’s probably supposed to be the sound of fear and panic. But that’s not a good start when you can’t tell if the shouts are fun or fear.

Legitimate question from the crew:

If he believes in that ghost crap, why did he agree to bring us here?

Going full Blair Witch

He calmly says his ankle itches and then reveals this

I know they’re suppose to be students,
but their boom mic is showing

The Curse of Bloody Mary (2021)

Aka Summoning Bloody Mary; aka Bloody Mary

Four friends go away for a relaxation retreat, which is incredibly unrelaxing. Two of the four haven’t spoken in years after one slept with the others boyfriend. Also the retreat is in a large building but there are no other guests and the manager is very odd. She seems confused as to why they are there and doesn’t seem to have any activities to offer, even though it was discussed via email. Also they can choose any room they want, which is pretty weird. Even if no one is there, an actual spa would need to know which rooms need to be made up later.

The group does yoga, has a camp fire, and well, that’s about it.  The trip was a last ditch effort to get the two estranged friends talking again, but they didn’t tell either about inviting the other. Also if one person has wronged another, you may want to talk to the offender to see if they have taken responsibility for their actions and could apologize without defending what they’ve done. When you’ve betrayed your best friend by sleeping with her boyfriend, and you say you did them a favor or they should get over it because it was so long ago, that just makes you a total asshole. 

Our weird manager asks the girls if she can join their campfire, and tells them the story of Bloody Mary.  They don’t believe the legend. When they are dared to try it, they all agree. Each will go into a different room and say Bloody Mary three times while looking in a mirror. Damn women, what were you thinking? 

Screams are heard, horrible decisions are made and people die. When they realize there is a book that may help them stop Mary, three people go back into the building.  This makes no sense. Why not have one go in? Plus if you hear knocking, why would you stop to check out what the knocking was and put your face two inches from a mirror?  You already know there is supernatural activity in the house that involves a mirror.

Ridiculous dialogue:

Kate: It’s a little unorthodox but we have have this whole place to ourselves.

Dani: But is that a good thing?

Kate; I have to get this finished.

Manager: what are you doing?

Kate: Working

In some ways, I did you a favor [by sleeping with your boyfriend].

I don’t want to talk about a mistake i made way back in school.

A spa doing yoga without yoga mats is a red flag.

He is aware of Bloody Mary in the mirror. Yet when
he hears a sound, he puts his face a few inches from it.

The awkward square-ish pregnancy bump

If your hostess is always looking off to the side
as if there is something going on, be wary.

Ouija 3: The Charlie Charlie Challenge (2016)

Aka Charlie Charlie 

While trying to find a way to get business for Hangman’s House of Horrors, Gene sees a news broadcast about college girls who died doing the Charlie Charlie challenge. He comes up with the bright idea of allowing a group of people in the house after dark. He’ll tell them they’re alone, give them freedom to roam the house, and then his actors will scare them. Thus giving the haunt publicity and increasing their revenue, which is apparently zero at this time.

Five friends show up after winning tickets. Gene charges them $20 each claiming they won time in the house, not the cost of entry. That should be their first clue that something is off, but they pay and follow Gene into the house.

The group are taken to a room with school desks and told to do the Charlie Charlie challenge which supposedly summons a Mexican demon. The challenge is done with two pencils, one on top of the other, and a sheet of paper with yes and no written in four squares. You ask Charlie to play and then he answers questions. Oh and he also kills you.

No one notices the blue flash of light that comes out of the pencils on the first question.  When they ask if Charlie will hurt them if they continue to play, he says yes.  The girl with the least cranial functioning asks Charlie to prove the challenge is real and hurt them.  Why? Why would you ever do that? How about ask Charlie to shut a door, or knock a picture off the wall? The last thing you want to do is ask for physical pain from a demon.

When I saw the opening scene with college students, I wondered if I needed to watch the first two movies to understand what was going on. Then the title card came up and it was actually called Charlie Charlie. So apparently it’s not a squeal but an opportunity to get people to watch it by implying it is part of the ouija franchise.

There are a few pointless scenes with a couple in a car outside the haunt. There’s no reason for these people to exist other than to pad the film, and make the movie worse. It’s not like these scenes are interesting or clever or add anything to the film.  There’s also a scene with a sheriff sleeping in his car who is asked if he responded to a possible homicide. He says yes and goes back to sleep.

Another rough one to get through. The characters aren’t particularly likeable, other than Charlie and Skeeter.  And naming a characters Charlie when the challenge is called Charlie, well not sure why that was a good idea.

Self aware dialogue

Guys this is exactly how bad horror movies start.  Irrational decisions to play a game we all know could end up badly but we do it anyway.

The manager of the haunt has a pretty cool mask

This isn’t a great start to a night in the haunt.

This isn’t going to get you more business

Cool tunnel in the haunted attraction

The amazing Charlie challenge

Six Rivers Cabin (2013)

Aka A Monster Among Men; aka Beast: A Monster Among Men

Five friends go to a cabin for the weekend. Although to be fair, Bill is the only one who considers all of them friends.  Eli is ignoring everyone except Bill, and the other three - Mike, Sean and Chris - ask Bill why he brought Eli since they don’t like him.

Mike is the type of guy you don’t hang out with once you get out of high school because he’s so unlikeable.  He’s a bully and almost every interaction he has is aggressively insulting or antagonizing another member of the group. It’s a mystery as to why these guys are still hanging out with him, other than Sean who Mike seems to have control over to some extent.

When Eli walks off after being harassed by Mike again, Bill heads off after him. Awhile later, the three left around the campfire hear a woman scream. This starts the search for who screamed, as well as Bill and  Eli.  Unfortunately Mike continues to bully people, including those in another campsite in the woods.  And when you think you can’t hate Mike any more than you already do, you find out he’s even worse than you thought and you hate him even more.

The movie clocks in at a little more than an hour and has a ton of padding. The ending doesn’t make a lot of sense.  Why does Mike stop the car and get out? He’s supposed to be meeting them at the cabin. What smelled so bad when he got out of the car? He walked into the woods and it didn’t seem like the bodies were close to the road.  How did he happen to find the exact spot where all the bodies were piled?  Also was that Bigfoot?

The Legend of Jack and Jill (2021)

 Aka Jack and Jill

A horror movie based on a nursery rhyme, yet with seemingly no relation to it except a pail and their names.   Our movie opens with a mother dragging a son and daughter up a hill as a man chases them.  She tells them to keep running and never trust anyone, while she goes back to stop the man from harming her children.  Fifteen years later -  oh crap, that’s not a good sign - a woman hiking by herself in the mountains finds a pail and is set upon by people in the woods.

Cut to a group of friends who meet up at a hostel for a weekend hike in an area where there seem to be a lot of missing hikers.  No one is concerned, even after meeting two sisters handing out flyers of their recently missing sister. Away everyone goes into the woods and carnage begins.  

So much nonsense.  Why do soon to be dead hikers find shiny new pails in the wild? Shouldn’t they be rusty or do Jack and Jill have a pail guy? Why do the sisters ask the group to hand out flyers on the trail when they are going hiking themselves?  Why do  the sisters shy away when they hear someone in the woods when it could be their missing sister? Also why does everyone think no one else will be hiking on this trail?   Why does Jill talk like a caveman?  Did she get a head injury during her years in the wild?  Both children spoke correctly when their mother left them in the mountains. They wouldn’t lose the ability to speak just because they only had one other person around. And what’s with actors who have no idea how to fake cry? Or was it supposed to be a panic attack or asthma attack? And when they knew there were killers in the woods, why didn’t they group together to run back to the hostel? It seems it would have been easy to go either up or down that hill so all could be together, rather than go back separately. 

Ridiculous dialogue:

She has to be here. She’s our little sister.

Sister 1 - There’s someone in the woods.

Sister 2 - Don’t let your mind play tricks on you. People go missing in the woods all the time.

No one else would be up, here, would they?

That’s a lot of missing people flyers for one area.

Would you pick up a pail in an area known for missing
people where local legend is about the killer spawn of an
insane woman roaming the hills

It seems like a lot of these films have one really
cool shot in them and the rest is meh.

How could no one have stumbled on them before if
they are living in the cool bunker? Also what a
great place to shoot a movie.

Return of the Scarecrow (2017)

After spending the first 25 minutes of the movie in flashbacks that could be quickly covered by telling the legend of the scarecrow, we cut to present day where a group of friends is heading into the woods to camp. When they stop at a bar, they’re warned it’s not safe, but as in any horror movie, they decide to go camping anyway.

Two guys from the bar decide they’ll scare the campers by dressing as scarecrows, but end up getting separated.  When one of them bumps into the real killer scarecrow, he thinks it’s his friend and spends the rest of the movie hanging out with it while trying to scare people.

This is supposed to be an 80s throwback horror comedy. However it doesn’t evoke any feeling of the 80s and the jokes fall flat. I only laughed once, which was when a mob was trying to fight the scarecrow and one guy kept repeatedly trying to stab it with a plastic fork.

One of the problems with the film is there are too many characters being introduced for no real reason.  Not including the people in the first twenty five minutes of the film, we have: 

• the bartender and former bartender
• the four campers 
• the two guys who dress as scarecrows
• a cop and a receptionist 
• A priest in a car with a passenger
• A couple at home
• Partying teens and a kid on a bike
• A couple kids
• A person reporting a mob to the police

How many of these people matter? Not many as you could get rid of most of them without any real difference in the movie.  The cop is only there it take phone reports about the scarecrow and ignore them because he thinks it’s a prank. Even though he gets multiple calls, one from the priest, he says nope, not going to look into it.

Another problem is the tough chick isn’t tough, but just an unlikeable woman with anger issues. Is it the actresses delivery, the dialogue or both? It’s always odd when movies have characters who are jerks but they seem to want you to root for them. Nope, they’ve got to be likeable or have some character arc where they learn a lesson. 

Ridiculous dialogue:

I have a gun and I’ll use it.

Oh yeah, well I have a stick and I’ll kick your ass.

Isn’t it a sin for a man of the cloth to participate in pranks on people?

Amityville Cult (2021)

Aka Amityville Secret

Stanley DeFeo gets an email from someone stating they are trying to settle an estate and are 99 percent sure Stan is the woman’s grandson and the inheritor of her house.  It sounds like a scam, especially since the inquiry is through email. But Stan figures he’ll take a chance and heads out to Amityville to meet the lawyer. 

After arriving at the run down house, Stan pads the film by walking around outside before heading in where he finds his grandmothers journal.  As he reads, we get a flashback in which grandma Marie tells of moving to Amityville with her lawyer husband, feeling lonely, falling for a creepy guy who works with her husband, and devil worship. Well that escalated quickly.

Back in the present, Stan meets the lawyer at a local cafe to ask some questions. When the diary is mentioned, the lawyer becomes interested and asks Stan to bring it by the office. That’s pretty weird.  But not as weird as a stranger who screeches warnings at Stan to get out of town and not trust anyone.  Stan is alarmed, but the lawyer brushes it off.  As they speak, we are treated what sounds like coffee grinding in the background.

Soon Stan will learn the devil cult is still in town and they’re interested in him.  Stan will also discover that you can’t get out a door by jiggling the handle.  We see multiple scenes of him jiggling door handles and panicking because he can’t open the doors.  Just turn the handle, Stan.

There is tons of padding in this movie, including more than five minutes where we are literally shown footage we saw earlier in the film, but with a filter and whispering in the background.  We also see Stan walking everywhere even though the size of the town is unclear. He drove for a long time to get to his house, yet he walks everywhere. He walks around his yard, through town, and follows the crazy guy into the woods. 

Also is plating and putting dinner on the table for a person who isn’t home really a thing? Has anyone ever done this in real life?  I’ve never run across this except in movies.  If someone isn’t home, you either leave it in the oven to stay warm, or leave it in the serving dish. 

Lastly in this day and age, how could Stan get an email saying he has an inheritance and not do any research on whether this is legit or not?  He calls the lawyer to say he’ll drive out there. But he never googles the lawyer, his family name, the house, the town, or his grandmother.    

Best line in the movie

Now run, you little idiot!

This is so awkward looking. They almost look conjoined.

First day on the job and there’s a creepy guy

Super creepy guy somehow steals his wife

Oooo, it’s the Amityville house. Isn’t it scary, kids?

The pumpkins are still good. How long has this house been empty?

I like this building.

Rats nest hair when meeting her husbands coworkers

It looks like someone dropped a cloth rather than
a baby on an orphanage doorstep.

Amityville Scarecrow (2021)

Aka Scarecrow Camp 

When their mother dies, estranged sisters Tina and Mary inherit the Amityville Cornfield, Camp and Caravan Park.  Unlike the cover, there are no houses in the film. They aren’t even in the US, which should be pretty apparent based on the fact the trailers are called caravans.

The will states both sisters inherit the estate and must agree on how to manage it.  Tina wants to fix up the park and rebuild her relationship with Mary. Mary wants to sell the park and get the hell away from Tina.  They are at an impasse. Tina tells Mary she’s not selling.  Neither can summon the cranial capacity to figure out that one way to agree on management is for Tina to buy the park, paying off Mary for her share.

The sisters are estranged because Tina slept with Mary’s husband Derek, who then left her to be with Tina. Why Derek is a catch is beyond me, but they’re still together so this family reunion is pretty awkward.  Tina is delusional since she thinks Mary should just get over it.  And Derek is a super douche since he tells Mary she’s being unfair and that Tina misses her and would do anything for her.  Right, except keep her hands off her husband, sell the caravan, do anything to make her comfortable, or listen to how she feels.   Tina is all about Tina.

But when the scarecrows on the property come to life, the sisters put aside their differences to try to survive.  They also find a camcorder which has a tape in it and in the middle of their fight for life, decide to watch it. It’s their mother telling them to never touch the land, or what’s on it, and to leave it to rot.  Uhhhh, she may have wanted to include that in the will since this is extremely important and they stumbled across it by chance while hiding from a killer scarecrow.

Another crappy Amityville movie which has nothing to do with Amityville except using the name to get you to watch it.  Questions abound. Why would their mother not include the vital info about the cursed land in the will? Why does the family split up when heading to the car? Why not wait for the person who is going into the caravan to get the keys? Why would only one cop be sent to the scene when a caller says someone is trying to kill her family? Why are Tina and Derek so callous that they believe it’s no big deal they betrayed Mary since it was so long ago and Mary should just get over it?  

Clueless dialogue:

Daughter - Why wasn’t there any corn in the fields?

Mother - Stuff never grows. It was as though someone harvested it for years.

Mary - You destroyed any chance of a relationship with me the day you started sleeping with my husband.

Tina - That was a long time ago, Mary.

Mary - I don’t think I could ever trust you again.

Tina - Things take time.

The land was purchased by a company who promised to turn it around and in memory of the awful crimes promised to call it Amityville.  

Mary - How have you been?

Derek - Well the business never took off like I wanted. Shit happens.

Derek - You don’t need to stay in the past, Mary. To be honest, I think you’re being a little unfair. 

Derek - Your sister has missed you. You only get one chance in life. Don’t block her out. She’d do anything for you.

Police woman - Who goes there?

Harriet - It was me. Harriet Childs. I was the one who called.

Tina (to Mary about Derek) - You know, in a way, I think he missed you at times.

It’s Amityville UK. 

It’s not a good sign when your title is a basic font.

The caravan park has seen better days.

It looks like they actually lit it with headlights.

The awkward reunion. And why fight over this guy?

I kept thinking her head band was a bandage.

Mummy Reborn (2019)

Tina inherits her mothers estate, which is essentially a house she can’t pay for and care of her mentally challenged brother Max. She’s not doing a good job paying the bills, getting to her job on time, or caring for her brother.  

When the antique store she works at tells her they’re closing because they’re operating at a loss, bizarrely she begs them to reconsider since she needs her job.  Since Tina has no proposal for how they can actually turn a profit, they ask her to do inventory so they can auction off their inventory.

When Tina’s boyfriend Luke sees a photo of an amulet in the back room , he determines it’s worth a lot of money and proposes they steal it. His bandmate is involved in some sketchy stuff .The guy can steal it, sell it and their money problems will be solved. 

Tina reluctantly agrees since she doesn’t know how to pay for her house or take care of Max. She unlocks the store and lets them in.  I’m not sure why she thinks that wont point to her, but the police don’t seem very bright so she’s in the clear.

The group of thieves not only take the amulet, but a large crate. When the theft is discovered, the shop owner tells the police she’s not concerned with the property, but is concerned because whoever took it is in danger.  Since the security footage was also stolen, the police suggest she stole it so she could get an insurance payout for her failing business.  Surprisingly neither of them consider Tina a suspect, even though she’s wide eyed and nervous looking, and is the other person with a key.

When Tina meets up with the thieves later, she’s upset about the crate and that her brother Max is with them.  But since she hasn’t paid her babysitter in awhile, Luke had to bring him along.  When they open the crate, they find the mummy and assume that means a bigger pay day. Later Max breaks a piece off the amulet and the mummy starts strolling around. Soon the mummy is turning women into his wives and when the buyer shows up, no one knows where the it’s gone.

The description of the movie says a group of teens steal the amulet, but these guys are nowhere near close to teenagers. It’s hard watching the guy who plays Max. He’s so unconvincing. It’s like he watched What’s Eating Gilbert Grape and wanted to channel Arnie, but ended up channeling a three year old. 

Also unconvincing are the randomly inserted lines of what is supposed to be humor. None of it is funny so you start questioning if other non-funny scenes are supposed to be humorous.  At one point, Max gets injured and blood is streaming out of his head as if from a garden hose. This was the only time I laughed because the blood stream was so over the top. Was it supposed to be funny?  Based on his sister sobbing and the sad music, I guess not.

Also if you hope for anything like the dvd covert to appear, you’ll be sorely disappointed. No motorcycles, no Jeep, no guns, no desert, no glowing mummy eyes, and no pyramids.  They never leave England and the mummy wears a rubber mask. I don’t remember any CGI in this film so if it was, it wasn’t much and wasn’t that good.  It’s another in a long line of not very interesting bad movies that makes me wonder why I watched it. Oh yes, I keep hoping something hysterically ridiculous will happen. It usually doesn’t.

What the hell is on the table?

Yeah, the mummy’s walking outside.

Why is Tina’s hair always a total mess

It’s hard to take the mummy seriously when he give his
wife a headpiece of soft fabric rather than gold.

From out of nowhere, this happens

The least threatening larpers

This was my favorite shot in the film.
Drone above over the woods

Oh damn, the headpiece gets worse.
Since when do ancient Egyptians use Velcro?

Ladies and gentlemen, your mummy and amulet