Final Exam (1990)

A parapsychology class professor offers his students a class project instead of a final exam. They are to go to the old Nostrand  house, where the family was murdered and the father disappeared. The bank seized the home but no one will stay there.  In an odd move, the government has asked the university to investigate.

The professor proposes the students stay in the house over the weekend to see if they can find evidence of supernatural activity.  There needs to be a minimum of six students who volunteer for the project.  If they participate, they can get their names in the trade journals - for what is never clearly explained.

Ten students volunteer  and drive out to the house, which is in the middle of nowhere. The house still has electricity and running water. The kids bring a camp stove, but forget the butane. A couple head out to the nearest store which is forty miles away.  This is confusing since they brought a can of kerosene. What was that for if not the stove? We never find out.

The group explores the house, sets up cameras and tape recorders, and then go to sleep. The next day they arise to eat breakfast which consists of Hostess products and Pepsi.  When reviewing the tapes, they see a weird ghostly figure and hear noises which they determine came from the basement. 

Later they realize two of the students are missing, and a couple the students see horrible apparitions of the father murdering his family.  Everyone wants to leave except Dave who says damn it, he came here to investigate and he’s going to do it even if he’s all alone.  The others decide a few people will go for help while the others stay with Dave.  Things go off the rails at this point.

This is a regional horror movie which would benefit by editing to decrease the run time. It was shot in 1985 but not released until 1990.  I definitely have a soft spot for regional 1980s horror and while nothing happens in the most of the movie, I still liked it. The sleeveless tshirts, huge station wagons, Hostess cupcakes and a character who has a yo-yo but isn’t considered a dork.  If only he’d used the yo-yo as a weapon.

Dave’s hair does not meet continuity requirements.
The second day, all of a sudden his hair gets short…

…when this is what his hair looks like most of the movie.  
Dave’s love of Pepsi is apparent.

The clue to where to look, but should you?

Yo-yo out the back window while driving? Yep.

He has multiple sleeveless t-shirts.

The insane painting found in the house.

Reading a tiny book from the dollhouse.

The crack parapsychology class

The murder house

Just a typical day at college

Duhrrrrr

Footage on the video tape from overnight

Detail of the painting

Deadly Manor (1990)

A group of friends head to the lake to camp for the weekend, but get lost on the way.  When they see a guy by the side of the road, they ask if he can knows the way.  When he says yes, they ask him to hop in.  After driving awhile, they ask if they are close and he says no, it’s still a couple hours away.  No one is concerned as to why someone would get in their car to give directions, especially when it’s hours to the location.  

When it starts getting dark, they randomly drive down a dirt road to find a place to camp for the night. The road leads to a huge house which appears to be abandoned, causing the driver to be extremely pleased with himself.

Across the yard, there is a crashed car that appears to be part of a monument. As if that isn’t creepy enough, Helen sees someone close one window. The rest of the group is skeptical and decide to check it out.  It’s getting dark and everyone wants to stay except Helen, because she gets it. But no one will believe her and her boyfriend is unconcerned about her distress. So she heads back to town which is miles away while everyone else goes inside.

In the basement under the barn, they find some coffins. And in the house, they find the walls plastered with pictures of a woman. They also find scalps in a hidden room…. And they decide to stay. You’d think all of this, combined with the car crash monument and Helen seeing the window shut, would send them fleeing. 

Horror movies have a surprisingly large number of people who believe that entering a house they don’t own is fine if they need somewhere to spend the night.  And that’s where the trouble starts since the home owners or weirdos who hang out in abandoned places think it’s okay to kill trespassers. Watch for the scene near the end of the film where the character meets the killer upstairs but once she runs downstairs it’s daylight. That is one long staircase.

Dialogue from the boyfriend who doesn’t care about your feelings:

• Helen - This house scares me. I mean, just look at this place. Somethings wrong with it. Can’t you feel it? We can’t stay here. We just can’t stay here.
• Tony - Helen, you’re not making any sense.

Our intrepid campers and the potentially dangerous hitchhiker 

Let’s randomly drive into the woods to find a place to camp

Our campers

If you see this in someone’s yard, run away

Creep point of view

The cool abandoned house

Guests (2019)

Katya and Sasha are teenagers who make money waitressing.  When they wait on four people who throw invite only parties in abandoned buildings, Sasha is excited to be invited. Katya doesn’t care, but is convinced by Sasha to go anyway.

At the party, the group reveal that the real parties are the one they do in empty houses. They go in, party and then leave everything as it was when they arrived. This way they have a great party, but the homeowners never know they were there.  Sasha’s told them Katya knows of a house where the owner is away. Katya is not amused, but responds to peer pressure and leads the way.

While the house is locked up, it looks like no one has been there in a while and there is mold on the walls. The group tries to light a fire, but the chimney is blocked so they go looking for a heater.  Why would the electricity work? They look around and find a book about demons which has a picture of the author in front of the house they’re in. This doesn’t bode well.

After they’ve been partying for awhile, a man comes in and tells them to get out. As they start to pack up,  he says he won’t call the police on them. Unlike most people who are trespassing and would be grateful to not get arrested, one of the guys questions why the man wouldn’t call the police. Then he jumps him. After another kid tases the man, and they decide to lock him in the basement, which oddly enough is across the yard.  Oh stupid kids, what will you do next?

Some of the group wants to leave, but the guy who jumped him decides to stay and party.  This is a terrible idea, even if only for the reason that they just tased a man and locked him up. How are they going to let him out so he doesn’t die in there? 

But that is the least of their worries since now we’ve got mold  going across the floor as if it’s a glass of spilled water. Plus there are two spirits who don’t seem happy to see the kids. And if you couldn’t already guess based on the book, they aren’t actually ghosts. They’re demons. So our kids are in for a world of hurt. But for the most part you don’t care because they’re breaking into peoples homes to party. Even Katya who seems innocent at first proves to be misguided, and self serving. I mean, she did let them into someone else’s house so I guess everyone gets what they deserve.

Hell Trip (2018)

Seven friends go on safari, including the requisite girl who packs a rolling suitcase even though they’re only going for a few days. This turns out to be a worse decision than it seems when the van breaks down in the middle of nowhere and they decide to hike eight miles to the lodge. 

When they finally arrive, the lodge is silent.  There are no guests to be seen and plates of half eaten food are found in the dining room, as if something urgent pulled everyone away. At the front desk, they find a note saying here are your room keys, help yourself to food and drink, and we’ll be back later. Our tired travelers approve, rather than feeling anxious about the possibility that something bad has occurred.  

When they go to their cabins to freshen up, the killings start. One person is late to the barbecue, but they assume she’s just taking a  long time to get ready, but she’s dead.  Then another disappears in the woods. Then they find a body they assume is their guide since it’s near the barn where he was heading. 

The characters in this movie make one bad decision after another. Every time you think you’ve seen the worst of their stupidity, they up the ante.  Hiding under a porch because a killer is searching for you? Yes, let’s talk and then assume he’s gone because we don’t hear any noise. It’s an effort in frustration as the kills mount. And then there is a discovery in a cabin which you’d think would make them more cautious, but no, their brain stems refuse to function. 

Lurking Woods (2015)

Six friends from college decide to rent a cabin for a weekend to catch up. They don’t seem to have done much research into where they are staying.   The couple who own the place are dirty and coarse.  There is a mute who chops wood and looks dangerous.  Also the cabin is actually a house. When they see it, they say, “oh my god.”  For the life of me, I can’t tell if they think it’s great or terrible.  If you rented it and hadn’t seen it before, you would be terribly disappointed upon glimpsing the exterior.

There are three girls and three guys. They can’t decide who will hang out with who, so they set up this scavenger hunt where the guys have to follow clues to find the girls.  Why wouldn’t they want to have a say in who they spent the weekend with? Oh, turns out two of the girls have already picked out guys and rigged the game by providing them with the answers to the clues.  Then why are they even doing this? 

While on the scavenger hunt, someone starts killing members of the group. Could it be the creepy hitchhiker they saw earlier who just got out of jail? Could it be the mute guy with the ax? Could it be the unfriendly couple who own the place? Or are we in totally different territory with a killer that we haven’t met yet? Also these college students have fairly bad peripheral vision because people can sneak up on them when they’re in the open  

When I saw the title, all I could think is, so the woods are lurking?

Ghost Boat (2014)

Aka Alarmed

After being acquitted of murdering her family, Sam goes out on the family yacht with her ex boyfriend Mark and a couple of friends. An accident leads the others to seek help leaving just Mark and Sam on the boat. Things get weird because Sam starts seeing a ghost girl in the hallway, the doors lock with Mark stuck outside on the deck, and a mystery voice regularly commands Sam to mutilate herself. And if she doesn’t, an unseen force makes her do it anyway.

This has a Groundhog Day quality in that she wakes up each day with every injury healed, other than bruising or scarring. Cut off a hand? It’s back in place when she wakes up. But to what end?  There are flashbacks to family parties, the murder, the trial, jail, and visits with a psychiatrist. There are jumps in time and you start wondering if her time on the boat is actually the present or another flashback.  The problem is it’s not that interesting.

Although it takes place on a boat, it could have taken place anywhere, as long as they were isolated enough that they couldn’t get help.  And since it’s supernatural, it even could have taken place in a high rise where Mark got stuck on the balcony.  

There is a strange man in a boat who rides by and stares at them but doesn’t help them.  He seems to be a supernatural douche in a fedora. I never figured out who he was or why he kept driving by them. There also isn’t much ghost action in this. It’s mostly a disembodied voice commanding her to cut pieces of her body off. Again, it sounds much more horrible and suspenseful than it is.

Angels v. Zombies: Army of the Dead (2018)

Aka Dark Patch

Police attempt to arrest a man whose grandparent are found dead in the house, but the man dies in the process. While being transported in the ambulance, he appears to be alive. They start treatment but don’t realize - and why would they - he’s come back from the dead. When theygets to the hospital, things go crazy, but not crazy good, more crazy meh.

Zombies are walking the Earth and angels are trying to stop them. Everyone is boring. The angels wear jackets that look like they were made from your grandmothers upholstery.  There are angels that are supposed to be tough, but they come off like when your dad’s friend who works in an office tries to act tough.

The cover pretty much tells you all you need to know. I watched about half of this but it wasn’t interesting enough to continue.  The cover makes it appear as if the angel is perched on a chicken leg. Oh mutant angel, you’ll be delicious.

Zombies

This is supposed to be a police station. 

The upholstery style coats, complete with buttons and cross hatch.
It also seems to be bedazzled on the shoulder.

The Curse of Buckout Road (2017)

Three students in a humanities class do a project on urban legends and mythology, concentrating on local legends about Buckout Road.  When their teacher hangs herself at the sight of the legend, a local psychiatrists son, who is home from the military, is suspected.

This is supposedly based on a real urban legend, but I hope it’s different from the main mythos of the movie. Supposedly if you go to Buckout Road and  you honk your horn three times, some crazy albinos will come out of the woods and eat you.  

Cleo the sheriffs daughter and Aaron the psychiatrists son start to think there is something supernatural going on when both start having dreams about Buckout Road.  The other two guys working with Cleo on the project are also having strange dreams and get picked up sleep walking near Buckout Road. So tensions are running high and get even worse when the psychiatrist dies in an accident. 

This is one of those movies where you have so many questions at the end, including if there are multiple suicides, legends, and something that occurs repeatedly, why has no one noticed it?  Shouldn’t the legend have brought attention to what is really going on in this town?

The Haunting of Hythe House (2021)

Danny the Destroyer does movie reviews and has 10 million followers.  As he gleefully types up another review for a bad movie, a voice comes from his laptop saying he’s been hacked. Danny sits there like a dub, rather than trying to disconnect from the attack.

The voice accuses Danny of being a troll and says his last review caused the director to commit suicide.  If one review made him kill himself, then he has bigger issues to tackle. Even if you’re a genius, you’re going to get bad reviews. Also these days anyone can make a movie and realistically much of what is released is bad.  

The voice tells Danny he must spend 24 hours in an abandoned building where it’s rumored there is one million in treasure. If he refuses, then the mystery voice will reveal his secrets.  He must put his phone in a bag, use the equipment they provide, and explore the house. People will be watching as he goes through the building. 

Oddly enough, at times Danny chooses to lay down and take a nap.  I’m not sure why he would do this since there are some odd things that happen, and he knows the people who blackmailed him hate him.  He’s not safe, yet he’s careless about his safety.

At times the movie cuts to other people in the house looking for the treasure. However it’s never clear who they are or if they are there at the same time as Danny.  The only people he sees are a maid and butler. But you don’t know he’s a butler since he’s wearing a top hat. The maid devours a chicken while Danny just sort of goes, huh?  We don’t need to see anyone using their teeth to tear through a chicken. And eventually our movie reaches an unsatisfying ending where Danny is asked to choose between two vials of liquid, one of which will allow him to live.

So based on the premise, we can assume the screenwriter is mad because his films aren’t getting good reviews.  However I’m not sure how calling reviewers trolls will help his cause. Also what if the reviews are justified and his movies are bad?  Just because you made a movie doesn’t mean it’s good. And just because your movies suck doesn’t mean you have to stop making them. 

This writer works with Louise Warren (who played the maid) and Jeffery Scott, who are both prolific movie makers. Are their movies good? Nope. Do I watch them? Yep.  Even though they’re awful and I often question why I would watch another one of them, I am fascinated by their prolific output of ultra low budget movies.  Somewhere I saw a comment that this movie had a three day shoot and a zero budget. I can believe it. But they seem to have a good licensing agreement because their movies can be found on various streaming services. If their budget is zero or only a few hundred dollars, they must be making money.

Aw man, are we supposed to root for this sad sack?

Butlers don’t wear top hats 

It looks like he’s being tortured, but he just fell asleep

The clock counting down his time left in the house

The best comment about the film

Teenage Wasteland (2018)

Aka Reel Killz

A group of psycho twenty somethings spend their time murdering people and shooting video of it.  This story meets up with a family drama about two sisters who don’t get along with their mother but have decided to spend the weekend together.  

This family reunion is going to be great. Mom is insufferable, likes to drink and passive aggressively insult her daughters.  The younger sister just got married, while older sister Jennifer hasn’t worked in a month and is pregnant. No information will be provided on either of those situations.  After Mom harasses Jennifer, the younger sister consoles her by telling her she’s unique and different. However there is never any indication that this seemingly mundane woman is anything other than ordinary. 

When a scared woman named Claire knocks on the door and wants to use the phone, Jennifer invites her in. After finding out she’s escaped from someone, Jennifer runs off to find her sister but the house is empty when they come back. Jennifer mentions the girls name, which is weird since I never heard the girl mention it. I’m not sure if I zoned out or it’s an error in continuity.

Weird things keep happening but no one is concerned. A guy shows up looking for the Claire but disappears.  The younger sisters husband is nowhere to be found and his phone goes directly to voicemail. There are knocks on the door and they find a door to door vendor sold them what appear to be snuff films.  Jennifer goes for a walk even though they are creeped out. Then while in town  - how far did she walk? - she passes by a group of youngsters in a van and they ask her name. That’s not normal.

By the time everything comes to a head, you realize you don’t care what happens.  But you do have questions. Why isn’t Jennifer suspicious when she discovers Claire only pretended to make a call on her phone? Why does everyone keep going out the front door to get to the bunkhouse, making it seem like it’s a separate building, but later they head toward the back of the house to get there? If you hear a weird noise outside on a day in which creepy people have been in your yard, why would you ever open the window and stick your head out? Why does no one question how Claire has Jennifers sisters cell number? If the killers in the bunkhouse can hear the cop siren, then why doesn’t anyone in the house?  Also did anyone realize that Jennifer sister runs like a baby giraffe? Because it’s very distracting.  

If only he’d realized he wasn’t tied to the tracks

A doll is better than a crumpled blanket,
but it still looks like a doll

The Leprechauns Rage (2021)

Aka the Leprechauns Curse

Tilly inherits Marigold Estate, which appears to be a rooming house with an indoor pool. Her dad died years ago but for some reason she’s just inherited this building now.  So Tilley, her boyfriend, her mom and two friends cram themselves into a sedan for a four hour ride.

When they arrive, they walk in and start exploring. There is a maid in the pool area who admonishes them to remove their shoes. They find four leaf clovers in little plant pots in the shed, and when they go swimming, they find gold pieces in the pool. Tilley also finds a note on her clothes accusing her of being a thief, and injures herself by stepping on some tacks.  She and her mom tell people to stop pulling such jokes. What kind of friends does she have? Are accusations and injuries normal?  

The note turns out to be from the largest leprechaun ever who is looking for his gold.  How would Tilly  know there was stolen gold on the property she just inherited, or where it was located? It seems like she should get a pass for anything other than the gold she found, which to be fair was in a house she owns. So she got a really raw deal.

When the leprechaun kills the maid, Tilly and her mom rescue her baby. In a truly nonsensical maneuver, they hide the baby behind a chair in a bedroom and then run out of the house. Wouldn’t the baby be safer with you? If the leprechaun kills you, that baby may not be found for weeks.  

Another movie where questions abound.  Why did they run to the shed rather than running to get help? Why do they continue to live in the murder house?  Why does Mom get a gold tooth? Not only is it aesthetically unpleasant to the eye, but a leprechaun was trying to kill you over gold. 

That is one big leprechaun

Apparently leprechauns don’t have peripheral vision

He is the worst at hiding from leprechauns

If you find a note about gold thievery, get out while you still can

The odd leprechaun mask

So leprechauns wear tube socks and loafers?

Decent eyeball effect

Why do people always put their hands over their
own mouths when they hide?

5 am (2016)

Five friends meet up to tell tales of supernatural occurrences and summon a spirit who cursed them. Each has a story about some creepy or supernatural thing that happened.  While there are some flashbacks, most of the stories are told by the characters speaking softly while we see a close up of their face. So it’s not the most exciting or scary film. 

One of the guys says he needs their help and they can’t ask any questions.  This should in itself prompt a question as to why they can’t know what is going on.  But they proceed to talk and later go into a room to play a game which involves using scrabble tiles and a wine glass to contact the dead.

There is also a parallel story with someone’s aunt in the attic and a maid that doesn’t get paid enough to deal with this crap.  The story takes place in Buenos Aires while a storm is coming, which I thought would play into it, but didn’t.

The eyeliner in this movie is excessive.

Expect a lot of this while they relay their scary story.

Dawn of the Beast (2021)

A masters level cryptozoology class goes on an overnight field trip into the woods. One girl brings her controlling boyfriend, which is weird because most colleges don’t let people who aren’t enrolled come on class trips. Also some people said they’re talking the class because it’s supposed to be an easy A.  Are there really masters classes that are easy?

The group follows the professor into the woods, but randomly decide to split off. One girl wanders on her own in the woods and meets a creep. A few others end up in a field where they find a corpse. Instead of notifying anyone, they keep it quiet so as not to spoil the weekend plans.  Also one of the girls steals a necklace from the corpse. Who does that?

Their cabin is within an area where people are known to disappear and they’ve been warned that it’s not safe to be out there.  They are unconcerned.  When a creature show up later that night, people are confused. These guys are taking a masters class in cryptozoology but seem to have no knowledge about the subject. The ending is very unsatisfying.

The Beast of Bray Road (2005)

A new Sheriff investigates reported creature sightings and missing persons. Then a cryptozoologist shows up, thinks the problem is a werewolf and insists on silver bullets. The Sheriff doesn't believe these sillly stories, even though the town has a legend of werewolves and Bigfoot, so it’s not like it came up out of the blue.

There is a definite low rent Jaws vibe going on.  Even though people are getting killed, the town leaders want to keep it quiet since it could ruin deer hunting season.  There is a Quint like character who claims he can kill it. Plus there is the line, “We’re definitely going to need bigger guns.”

Also problematic is the town is filled with abusive hillbillies. Plus the Sheriff’s girlfriend doesn’t want him to look for the beast because it could be dangerous. Maybe she shouldn’t be dating someone in law enforcement.

This is hard to get through because it’s not very interesting.