Thursday, May 1, 2014

9 Deaths of the Ninja (1985)

When a group of tourists is kidnapped by crippled German drug lord Alby, who dotes on a monkey in a diaper, and the horribly named Honey Hump and her group of girls in camouflage short shorts, the government calls in one of the best anti-terrorist teams on the planet.  The team is comprised of Captain Spike Shinobi, Captain Steve Gordon, and Lt. Jennifer Barnes.  Yup, that's it. There's only three of them.

Shinobi is a master of disguise, was trained by a ninja master (but couldn't make the cut because he wasn't devoid of emotion), is skilled at hand to hand combat, is an expert in many weapons, and likes lollipops.  Gordon is completely unappealing even though he looks like a model due to his sleazy tendencies (which are supposed to be charming), and Barnes.... is a girl. Yeah, they're not the most useful teammates.

Sho Kosugi's sons, Kane and Shane, have roles in this film, with Shane getting the larger role where he has a chance to do some ass kicking of a few bad guys and shows some nice moves with the nunchucks.

When Alby demands the release of a doofus criminal and starts killing hostages, the government releases the large giggling oaf, who is tracked by our crack team led by Gordon, who promptly loses him. Luckily Shinobi is on the case and soon the team is back on track. But can they rescue the hostages before Alby takes his revenge or whatever the hell he's going to do now that his demands are met?  Or will Alby unleash the large idiot he released from jail who has already shown how evil he is by popping the balloons of some children?  Nooooo!

Sho Kosugi is one of my favorites, but this is not a very good movie.  There aren't many opportunities for him to show his ninja skills, and his partners are duds.  Even worse, his voice is dubbed.  No idea whether they thought his accent was hard to understand, or that they thought audiences wouldn't be able to handle someone with an Asian accent.  If it's the latter, it's made even more ridiculous when faced with Alby's strange German-esque accent and high pitched voice.

The title sequence is right out of a James Bond film with dancers and a slow theme song, but unfortunately both are lame. They need a better song and get rid of the dancers and just have Sho doing ninja moves.  Other James Bond similarities?  Vijay was in one of the Bond movies, and double entendre name of Honey Hump.  Sho Kosugi deserves much better.

Ridiculous dialogue:

Master - "A ninja does not allow himself to be swayed by emotion. You are not worthy."

Shinobi, undercover in a brothel - "I want a clean girl. No clap."
Madam - "Are you kidding? My girls are sterilized, sanitized and lobotomized."

Ninja Sho Kosugi rules, even though this movie is crap
The two useless members of the three man team
Low rent James Bond opening theme and title sequence
It's funny when little kids light a rapists ass on fire. 
Blackie Dammett aka the father of Anthony Kiedis
The Wilson tennis ball phone is an in joke-
Vijay used to be a professional tennis player. 
Trip wires work much better when they're at knee level.

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