The Incredible 2 Headed Transplant (1971)

Oh boy, who doesn't love a mad scientist who tampers in god's domain? Well, most people wouldn't want to meet one, but they sure make for some weird movies.

Newlywed Dr. Roger Girard and his wife Linda live in an isolated home with a large piece of land maintained by a gardener and his mentally challenged son Danny.  When Roger's friend Ken calls, he's surprised to hear Linda say she's lonely.  Roger spends all his time locked in his lab with his sullen assistant who always wears gloves, and it's not because he's worried about a sterile environment.

The two are experimenting with methods to transplant a head onto another body, which seems like an extremely complex and not so  useful area of surgery to master. Their research so far has been  attaching a second head to a living animal. Yes, sooooo useful.

When an escaped inmate from the asylum for the criminally insane makes his way to their home, he kills the gardener and abducts Linda.  Roger and his assistant give chase, which ends with criminal Cass being shot.

While Roger tells Linda he'll call the Sheriff, he quickly realizes that this is the perfect opportunity to try  his transplant technique on a human.  But where to get another body to transfer the head? Opportunity presents itself in the form of the freshly orphaned Danny who is in shock back at the house.  No one shall ask why Roger thinks it's a good idea to attach an insane criminals head to the body of a 7 foot, 4 inch, hulking man-child with a barely functioning brain stem.

This is quite the movie.  Part of what's interesting about it is the cast: Bruce Dern as the doctor; Pat Priest, aka Marilyn Munster, as his wife; and Casey Kasem as their friend Ken who wears an ascot and realizes something is horribly wrong.  Albert Cole as killer Cass chews the scenery, and Danny truly does tower over the rest of the cast since he's over seven feet tall, but looks ridiculous with the fake bulk of whatever was stuffed under his sweatshirt to look like muscles.

And how did they handle the logistics of two heads, you ask?  Hilariously.  The far shots are of a fake head sitting on Danny's shoulder.  The close shots require the actors who play Danny and Cass to presse against each other, one in front of the other, with towels around their necks. Not very convincing, but good for a laugh.

Strangely enough, in 1972 there was a bigger budget movie called The Thing With Two Heads, which starred Rosie Greer and Ray Milland, although the twist was Milland's character was a bigot and Greer is African American.  They used the same method to portray the two headed man, and there is a hilarious scene where the Thing with Two Heads rides a motorbike.

Cass is chewing the scenery again.

Casey gets down with a kicky scarf

Look familiar? It's The Thing With Two Heads

Mantera (2012)

Sixteen year old Azman receives some packages in the mail. When he opens them he finds the disassembled prototype of Mantera, a motorcycle and outfit which contains... something that bites or pricks the user and gets into his DNA, which essentially enables him morph with the motorcycle.

Weston Tech, the company who developed Mantera, becomes aware of their missing prototype and notices the disappearance of top scientist Dr. Natasya Pushkion, who is behind the espionage.  Weston is not amused because the buyer from the Legion of Darkness is putting pressure on them and wants Mantera now.

When I heard the description of a man getting a package in the mail that contained something which caused him to morph with a motorcyle, I imagined all sort of craziness.  Surprisingly the movie is not very exciting because instead of a cool man motorcycle hybrid, what we get what is essentially a Transformer.  If I'd seen the dvd cover, I would have known this, but alas, the results could not live up to my imagination.

There's a lot of running around as the Legion of Darkness tries to acquire Mantera and so do the Russians. Honestly I can't remember if the Russians are part of the Legion or just the muscle for Weston Tech.  But the movie is confusing at times and nonsensical at others.

And what the heck is up with Azman? He's sixteen but appears to have his own apartment and no visible means of support... well until he's hired by the Legion of Darkness so they can get their hands on Mantera.  And how did Dr. Pushkin discover he had a pure soul? And why does every character pronounce his name differently?  First it's Azman, then it sounds like asthma, hazmat, assman - it just keeps getting more and more ridiculous.

Dogman (2012)

Hanklin and his wife Dorothy have started noticing things disappearing from their property. First someone steals the snowmobile from the garage, then Hanklin's bow and arrows are stolen from the picnic table, and later some chickens are missing.

Hanklin decides to mount a trail camera deep in the woods to try to capture what might be skulking around. No one shall ask why he doesn't mount this in his yard to catch a shot of who is stealing from him. Or why he mounts the trail cam about seven feet off the ground where it will only be able to see things that are far away.

When their nephew and his friend are attacked by a creature in the woods, Hanklin realizes that the wounds are the same as the ones he previously saw on a deer, and that a Native American woman saw on her dog. He becomes obsessed with finding out what is responsible for the attacks. Working with the police and the Native American woman, he tries to figure out what the creature is and maybe find an antidote to the deadly bacteria before it kills their nephews friend, just like it killed the dog.

Well I guess this could be classified as horror, but if so, it's tepid horror.  The creature is only seen in glimpses, a reflection, and a shot of a big hairy paw.  While imagination can be far scarier than what is on the screen, this only works when a film is able to provide the correct atmosphere, which this film doesn't.  Consequently they are unable to build any tension or come up with any real scares.

Also while I can understand some monster taking the chickens, why it took the bow, arrows and rode off on the snowmobile is a mystery. Random note - the Native American woman is played by the woman who played a Native American on Seinfeld, who was offended when Jerry bought Elaine a cigar store Indian.

Fright Club (2006)

Three teens go to an old building where they've been told there's a fright club. That's fright with an R. They had to do some digging to locate the place since it's super secret, but they managed to get an invitation from someone in an online forum.

They enter an art gallery where they are informed that the space is an exclusive gallery with a select membership.  The teens see a portrait on the wall of artist and founder Sebastian Crow, and assume they're in the right place.  Showing their lack of tact, they loudly ask about the fright club.  First rule of Fright Club, you do not talk about fright club.

The teens are ushered through a locked door, into the basement, and must see the ancient one. They will each tell a scary story and he will decide if they are allowed in the club. So if you hadn't guess before this point, this is going to be a lame anthology.

Little Red Riding in the Hood
On the way to visit her grandmother in the hood, a girl is accosted by her abusive ex-boyfriend at a tattoo parlor, rescued by the FBI, picks up some medicine from a psychic, and ends up in a battle with a werewolf.

The Boy Who Cried Vamp
A man and his girlfriend go to a club, but he's enthralled by another woman at the bar.  Later he goes back to the bar to talk with the owner about how he can help increase their business. He's offered big money and perks, which include the girl he saw at the bar. Things don't work out so well.

Spare Parts
A professor working on reanimation of the dead has his funding and lab access cut off. His brother, a cop, has just been promoted to lead detective, is engaged to be married, and is trying to track down the Black Dragon, the biggest drug lord in the city.  These are all signs he's not going to be alive very much longer, which will tie in conveniently with his brothers research.


Silly Dialogue

"Is it true there's a fright club here?"
"So you want to join the fright club."

Animal Room (1995)

When a school decides to deal with difficult students by putting them in a room in the basement (aka the animal room), bookish  Arnie ends up with the delinquents due to his drug use.  Arnie's lived with his alcoholic mother since his parents divorced, and his coping mechanism for his messed up life is to use drugs.

The school takes a zero tolerance approach to drug use and doesn't care that Arnie is an intelligent student with a passion for Shakespeare who really doesn't belong with the thugs banished to the basement.  The school psychologist knows Arnie shouldn't be in with Doug and his gang, but the principal insists Arnie stay down there until he gives up drugs.

High school jock Gary begins talking to Arnie. They used to be friends when they were kids. The two grew up dreaming of going on a Caribbean vacation when they graduated.  Gary feels bad for dumping strange Arnie for the cool kids, and has booked a trip for them to realize their childhood vacation dreams.

The psycho leader of the juvenile delinquents named Doug targets Arnie and makes his life hell. Sometimes Gary is able to keep Doug and his gang at bay, but Arnie is threatened and harassed every day.  The school doesn't do anything other than tell them to stay away from each other, which is ridiculous since they're both in a little room in the basement without supervision.

Although this is on a horror movie pack, it's not anywhere near horror. Sure, Doug is an obnoxious psycho, but mostly he just harasses Arnie.  I kept waiting for Arnie to go nuts and mow the gang down in a hail of gun fire. The other thing I kept wondering is why the hell Arnie didn't stop going to school.  Geez kid, get your GED, drop out, do something other than go to that freakin' room in the basement.

Oddly enough this film features a cameo by the Misfits. They perform a song in the studio while our bully Doug and his gang of thugs gets revenge on the engineer, another kid that ended up in the animal room.

The Snowtown Murders (2011)

Teenage Jamie's life is pretty crappy.  His single mother has a job where she often works long hours. So she has someone watch Jamie and his two younger brothers, and cook them dinner.  She and her four sons live in a run down neighborhood.  His mother's friend, who lives across the street, frequently offers to watch the kids. When he does, he takes pictures of them in their underwear, and since he's shown walking around naked, we can assume much more horrible things happen.  Even worse, his older brother like to beat Jamie up and sexually assault him.

When his mother begins to date John, things start looking up.  John cooks for the family, spends time with the boys, and protects Jamie and his younger brothers by driving away the child predator who lives across the street.  Jamie looks up to him and starts spending lots of time with him.  The bond is so great Jamie allows John to shave off his long hair so that he'll have the same haircut as John.

While John seems a charming man, in reality he is indoctrinating Jamie into a world that he keeps hidden from most others.  Through a series of neighborhood gatherings at their kitchen table, John puts together a few men that are willing to make the child predators in the area pay for their sins.  Jamie is slowly brought into this group. Although he is disturbed by it, his worship (and his fear) of John, along with Jamies own victimization make him keep John's secret.

This is a very disturbing drama based on the story of Australian serial killer John Bunting.  Even though I'm used to watching horror movies, there was one scene of torture and murder in a bathtub that was so intense that I had to look away.  While the crimes are truly shocking, most of the murders happen off screen.  So if you like movies with tons of blood or torture, you'll be disappointed.  Also it's more of a character study and story driven than your typical horror film.

Daniel Henshall, who plays John, does an incredible job.  He's very likable and charming. When his characters first appeared, I didn't even realize he was would be the serial killer.  When the character snaps, it's jarring. Henshall's facial expression goes from pleasant to rage in an instant, and it's freakin' scary.   I can't really say I enjoyed this film because it's too disturbing, but it was very effective.

Night Drive (2010)

An estranged father and son take a group of tourists out in the African wilderness on a night drive. The father is a tour guide who has been told he must stop stirring up trouble and stop reporting that there are poachers in the woods,. The son is back at the resort to put his mothers ashes in a local river where she loved spending time.

While the tour guide doesn't want to take the tourists out at night  because the poachers are hunting humans, his manager tells him that he'll be fired unless he makes the trip.  Grudgingly he decides to go, but plans on hunting the poachers while on the trip.  No one shall ask how he plans to keep the tourists from being slaughtered.

They stop by a river and the three couples on the tour stretch their legs. But the stop soon turns into a nightmare when they find a body and their guide tells them of the troubles in the area.

The three couples act as anyone else would and demand to get the hell out of there. But of course that would be too easy. So we have a tour guide who wanders off to find the killer, a bus that breaks down, an old man with a heart condition, and an obnoxious bully who's been snorting tons of coke.  It's just not going to work out well for anyone.

This is a bleak movie. There's no real tension, even though the situations should provide it.  For some reason it doesn't work, probably because there's no emotional investment in the characters.  It's just not that interesting and I didn't enjoy watching it.

The Lonely Ones (2006)

A group of friends head up to a cabin in the woods for the weekend.  On the way they stop at a gas station, where a stranger warns them to be careful.  Then he referneces the disappearnces of some female college students many years ago. Okay, nothing creepy about that.

At the cabin, they tell ghost stories and then discuss the legend of the missing college girls that just happened to live in a cabin  nearby.  A couple of the kids decide they want to visit the house. But when they look the location up online, they discover that the place this mystery took place is actually the cabin they are staying in.

When the power suddenly goes out, a couple of the guys go outside to the breaker box (because you know, it's so safe and useful to have your breakers on the outside of your house exposed to the elements and random psychos).  Once outside, they run into two ghouls and their night goes down hill from there. Stupid ghouls always wrecking college parties at isolated cabins.

This is exactly what I expect to find on these movie packs - a low budget movie that looks like it could have been made by someone you know.  It's not particularly original, although there are a few twists. But if you watch a lot of horror movies, they're not surprising. And let's face it with a plot that includes college students, an isolated cabin, a creepy stranger, a legend, the power going out, etc, we're not talking about anything you haven't seen before.

Pelt (2010)

A group of obnoxious friends - that you'll want to punch in their collective throats - hires a guide to take them to the Boneyard. They never mention exactly what the Boneyard is, but it's a two hour hike and they talk about rappelling, so I assume it's some sort of climb.

Their creepy guide decides to take a short cut, which they've been told not to take because it is on private property. Other than one guy, no one is concerned about this.  But what they don't know is that all the no trespassing signs have been removed by the guide,  so that they won't have to worry about trespassing.

After setting up camp, people either head into the woods to be alone, or sit around the fire.  In the morning, the three people  in camp discover that all their gear has been stolen and those that went into the woods never came back, including their guide.

Well damn, don't go on private property in the middle of nowhere, especially when the dirty gas station attendant (who you mocked) warned you not to go there. I'm sure no one expects to be slaughtered when they trespass, but there's a reason those signs are up and it may be for your own good.

This is one of those films where all the characters are jerks. They're irritating, arrogant, and obnoxious. If I dislike all the characters, then I'm not going to care if they die.  There's no reason to like them and without any background on these random a-holes, there's no empathy for them, especially when they're rude, condescending, and mock others.

Plus it's unclear why their guide wandered off in the night, didn't come back, but later turns up at the killer's shack.  He says he's going to stack some wood.  Was this literally stacking wood for the fire? Is it a euphemism?  Was he supposed to say he was going to saw wood, i.e. going to sleep? I have no idea, but he's a weirdo and who knows what he was doing alone in the woods at night. 

Annoying Dialogue-
Obnoxious guy - "Beer!.... I've got to get some suds inside of me..... Beer!..... Beer!... Beer!"
Skanky girl - "He's doing that thing again"
Annoying girl - "What thing?"
Ethnic guy - "Check it out. The only thing he's going to say is beer till his drink gets here."

Guide - "This is a private conversation."
Biker - "Really. Why don't you come over here and have a private conversation with the front of my pants."
Ethic guy (sounding hurt) - "Come on man, that was uncalled for."

Little Witches (1996)

A group of girls stay at their Catholic boarding school over the break because they have horrible parents who have better things to do than to see their kids.  Well what's a bunch of teenage girls to do except sneak out at night, steal candles from the church, and trespass through the hole in the wall where construction workers found a secret walled up chamber with a dead body inside? And did I mention they're going to hold a seance to figure out who died and why?

Inside the mystery chamber, the girls flit around until one of them finds an old book which is written in Latin.  They figure it must be written by the Illuminati - not the real Illuminati, but a secret group formed at the school in the early 1900s.

They decide it would be a fabulous idea to read the spells and call forth whatever the hell kind of demon they can summon.  This involves all the girls taking off their clothes since apparently the spells won't work with modern clothing.  

As with all movies involving seances and conjuring up either monsters or the dead, this is a bad idea.  There's a silly looking monster, girls who are under control of something evil, and a construction worker who takes his shirt off and ends up helping the good girl whose name is Faith (of course it is).  There's also a guardian who is tasked with making sure no one calls forth the evil. No one shall ask why she just doesn't take the book of Latin evil spells rather than writing warnings in Latin inside the chamber. Do you really think teenagers are going to listen when you say, hey kids don't read aloud from the book that conjures the demon?

Abandoned Mine (2013)

Teens! Halloween! Ghost stories! A haunted location! Barely functioning craniums with limited capacity!  That's what you'll get with the Abandoned Mine. Aw yeah, you just can't keep those darn kids out of dangerous mines.

Brad organizes a fun Halloween outing with his friends, and tapes his friends prior to and during their trip, as all the kids seem to do nowadays.  Everyone gets into their best costumes (queue wacky music montage), jumps in the truck, and heads out to the isolated, haunted, cursed, abandoned mine outside town.  Legend has it that the mine is haunted by a father and two little girls who were sealed inside.  Everyone freaks when Brad tells them where they're headed.  Yay, what a wonder party Brad has planned.

Although Brad assures everyone that they won't enter the mine, a storm forces them to take shelter inside, where they begin to explore.  As you'd expect, our intrepid teens end up trapped in the mine and must find another way out. But strange things start happening and something in the mine starts picking them off one by one, leading the survivors to believe the ghosts of legend are after them.

Well, this certainly is a movie. If only it were a good movie.  It's the type of thing you half watch when the TV is on, but you're doing something else. It would probably be good for junior high school kids since it's fairly tame.

The Eves (2012)

It's hard to resist the horror movie DVD packs that show up in the  bargain bin for $5. I watch so many movies that it's always kind of fun to pick up one of these with the hopes of finding something interesting, even if most of the time the movies stink.

When I quickly scanned the back cover, I thought this movie was called The Elves, which made me imagine a totally different type of horror than I what I actually got with The Eves.  Also while there are woods in the movie, there isn't really anything lurking in the woods. Lies! Lies, I tell you!

In this cliche driven movie, a group of students in a crappy truck break down on the way to Spring Break, and pull off the highway onto an isolated dirt road.  While they're waiting for the radiator to cool, the police stop to see if there's a problem, and advise the group to go to a hunting lodge a few miles down the road for help.

As usual in these type of movies, no one is around.  The hunting lodge has decor that makes it look like someones home, not a lodge, except for the large room with the chairs and huge bible quote that appears to be printed on computer paper.  The group walk in and make themselves at home. This includes couples going off on their own, people getting drunk, and a heavily made up, skanky girl putting the moves on a quiet guy who does crappy drawings and is rumored to be gay. Needless to say, this does not go well.

As the sun sets, they realize that some of their friends are missing.  Soon people are splitting up, someone is outside the house, and there are gunshots.  Cell phones are lost or won't work, and people aren't as careful as they should be.  This all leads us toward a few twists that are fairly easy to see coming, and one that there's no way to see because there are no clues or background on what is going on.

This is actually better than many movies on these horror packs, and at a minimum the film is  competently made. But there's nothing original or exciting.  The action doesn't take place until at least half way into the movie, and most of the characters are annoying.  None of the characters are fleshed out so there's no one to have a vested interest in.

Thank God It's Friday (1978)

It's the 70's. It's Friday. So everyone heads the disco. Not only is it the happening place to be, but there's a dance contest and the hottest DJ in town is broadcasting live from the club.  Yup, that's pretty much the plot of this movie.

Frannie and Jeannie are two high school girls with fake id's trying to sneak in to the disco and win the dance contest because they need money for tickets to the Kiss concert.  After getting tossed from the club, they sit dejectedly in the parking lot until they meet Marv the Leatherman, who contrary to what you'd think, is straight, wears a nice looking brown leather disco suit and is a fantastic dancer who is going to enter the dance contest.

Inside the club, DJ extraordinaire Bobby Speed is doing his first live broadcast, and waiting for the Commodores to show up.  Speed has promised his boss that the band will perform during the dance contest. But when they show up, he finds out that their road manager is lost and has all their instruments. Hilarity ensues as multiple patrolmen think he's stolen the van and he has to keep pulling over and playing all the instruments in an attempt to prove he's legit. That certainly is comedy... somewhere.

While dealing with this hiccup, Bobby also is harassed by singer Nicole, who has a copy of her new 12" and wants Bobby to play her record on the air.  Bobby doesn't want to be bothered as people are always giving him their demos and records, and ain't nobody got time for that.  Nicole keeps sneaking into the DJ booth (which is up over the dance floor and has a Buddha stomach and two hands holding it.)

Also we meet Dave and Sue, a stuffy couple celebrating their five year anniversary at a restaurant across the street. As they're getting their car from the valet so they can be home by 9pm, Sue notices the line outside the disco. She convinces super stuffy old Dave that they need some excitement in their lives. David is not amused by his wife's sudden interest in vitality, and proves to be a stick in the mud. This opens the door for creepy club owner Tony, who regularly bets he can seduce any woman the DJ points out in the crowd, and tonight it's matronly Sue.

Add to that Gus and Shirley, who are trying to meet up for their blind date, and Jackie, a dental hygienist high on nitrous who puts on a wig and becomes the queen of the party, and you've got the main players in this wacky disco comedy.

It's certainly dated, the comedy is cliched, and I wouldn't have been caught dead watching this thing when it came out. But hell, if you're up for stupid cliched movie, you may enjoy it.  Also of interest Terri Nunn, later in Missing Persons, plays one of the teenage girls trying to sneak into the disco.

Interesting disco font

The very small DJ booth

the strange Buddha belly held by hands DJ booth

Nicole aka Donna Summer, plus blond Terri Nunn on the right

Creepy owner Tony played by creepy Jeff Goldblum

Everyone will be too coked out to mind Leatherman
dancing on their cars in the parking lot

DJ Bobby Steele

Leatherman

Nicole and the belly of the DJ booth

Strippers vs. Werewolves (2012)

It's a normal night at the local strip club until a patron turns into a werewolf and is killed by one of the girls.  Hijinks ensue as they attempt to get rid of the body and avoid any trouble.  They can't report it to the police, because who would believe them.

But the werewolf  runs with a pack who manage to track down his body in the back of a car just as some delinquents are going to get rid of it. When the wolves figure out their pal was killed at the strip club, they vow to make the strippers pay.

There's a subplot about one of the wolves having a fiance who is a stripper, but doesn't know it since she tells him she works as a vet.  So the two groups are going to collide in a bad way which will surely reveal her secret.

The problem with most horror comedies, including this one, is that they tend to fall flat on both horror and comedy.  For the most part, the jokes are lame and there's nothing scary about the werewolves.  In fact, they look at if their cranial functioning is almost non-existent.  They have big floppy ears sticking off the sides of their heads - some at a 90 degree angle - and stupid expressions as if they're going, "duhrrrrr."

Our gang of mentally challenged werewolves are ready for a show down.

Vampire (2011)

Watching the trailer for this movie, it appeared to be a fast moving horror flick. But in reality it is a slow moving, brooding, overly long drama about a guy who drinks blood.

Simon is a high school biology teacher who takes care of his invalid mother who has alzheimers. In order to keep her from wandering away while he's at work, he came up with a harness attached to multiple large balloons so that she can't get out of her room.

In his spare time, he cruises chat rooms to find young women who want to commit suicide. After forming an online bond, Simon sets up a meeting using the pretext of a suicide pact.  Then he convinces the woman that the best way to go is by draining their blood.  Since he knows how to do the set up, he has them go first.

While Simon pursues these activities, he also gets involved with a police officer who invites him fishing after investigating why Simon's mother is confined to her room and strapped to lots of balloons.  Simon and his mother go fishing with the office and his sister Laura.  She turns out to be a pushy stalker who begins to show up  at his apartment every day. If he's not home, she has the super to let her in.

Simon also goes to a lavish home where there is a gathering of goths who're into serial killers and vampires.  It's never explained whether he was invited, or why he would go.  He doesn't seem to enjoy it at all.  It just provides an interlude for one of the goths to don his vampire teeth and bring Simon along as he decides to kill a random woman.  It's not clear why Simon just sits around as the murder happens.

There's never any real background given for Simon's delusions. Why does he think he's a vampire?  Why is he drinking blood when the only time he does it, he throws up afterwards?  How long has he been doing this?  How many women has he killed? And why doesn't he tell Laura to leave him alone? He seems totally put out by her obsessive attention (anyone would be), but doesn't ever stop her from inserting herself into his life and home.  And why does Simon try to save his suicidal student when she fits his criteria for a victim?

If you watch this be prepared.  It is almost two hours long and is mostly mopey dialogue or people brooding.  It's also not as interesting as the premise which is a vampire only targets those who are going to commit suicide.

51 (2011)

The military agrees to give a guided tour of Area 51 to two reporters and their photographers.  Colonel Martin isn't happy about this, but he's counting down the days to retirement.  This is the equivalent of telling us that he's going to die.

The plan is to keep the tour to designated safe areas of the complex, pretending to give them access to items that seem off limits.  Colonel Martin feeds them the line that there are no scary aliens there and it's only a big warehouse for government projects.

But soon there is an emergency call from one of the lower levels, which Martin said doesn't exist.  Seems the aliens weren't as docile as they thought and one is on the loose.  Now the focus changes from fooling the press to trying to get out alive.

The big problem with aliens on the loose is that one called Patient Zero can become someones doppelganger just by touching them.  So get ready for scenes with soldiers who should shoot Patient Zero as soon as he turns into someone else, but instead wait until they two twins end up wrestling on the ground, at which point no one can which is which.

This looks like a Syfy channel movie, which it could be. It's not scary and the reporters are annoying. Also the female who is instructed to take charge does not inspire any confidence in her ability.

The Dead Undead (2011)

When their jeep breaks down, a group of college students decide to stay in a nearby motel since they can't repair the problem.  The motel grounds are quiet and the office seems deserted.

After waiting a little while for someone to show up, they decide to grab keys for themselves and pay if the owner comes back.  They grab several rooms, one of which has a tiny vampire under the bed who promptly drools blood onto the forehead of one of the young women, before being chased off.

The girls lock themselves in a room while the guys get guns from the back of the jeep. It's not clear why they brought  guns on vacation or why they hardly brought any ammo.  Creatures that appear to be zombies begin coming out of the woods, while a van pulls up and unloads some large men and one large woman dressed in fatigues.  Lots of gunfire commences.

Hopefully you enjoy gunfire because most of this movie is zombies slowly charging while large guns are blazing.  The  creatures are zombie vampires. Seems there was a town full of vampires who drank cows blood instead of human blood.  Everything was great until mad cow disease made them turn into zombies.  The people in the van are trying to stop the zombies before they manage to get out of the valley.

This is not a good movie.  The fighting is mostly in one location, is very repetitive, and for some reason the group uses their only rocket launcher to kill a lone zombie in a wheelchair. Ooo, big threat there.

There's a scene where an injured man says he'll see the large woman in Valhalla.  Next thing you know, there he is in chain mail and sepia tone while sword fighting.  So I guess he's in Valhalla? But the scene just keeps going and going. Then we see the large woman. Huh? So she's dead too?  Why are they fighting? Why is this going on so long?

Nope, this isn't Valhalla, it's a flashback to their origins as vampires. Who cares?!?  The scene is pointless, long, and has no bearing on the rest of the movie. I thought there must be an explanation and that the person offering them eternal life would be a plot point, but no.  It's not mentioned again other than to show up in other flashbacks of vampire origin, all of which could have been cut from the film and it would have made no difference.