Saturday, April 25, 2015

America 3000 (1986)

Why is the future so stupid?  Scifi movies seem to either go for brutal post apocalyptic wasteland, or a world with unintentionally silly clothing, ridiculous dances, amusingly strange bars, and awkward nonsensical lingo.

In what has to be the cleanest apocalypse ever, women have big hair, make up, shaved legs, and clean barbarian clothing.  Men are second class citizens who are artfully stubbled, used for the purpose of breeding and the only ones with dirty faces.  Actually only the good looking men are used for breeding while the uglier men are more like mentally challenged cavemen.

Korvis and his hunky top hatted friend were captured as teens, but quickly managed to escape.  Now adults, they raid the women's fort to set the less intelligent men free and get  supplies.

When the women seek revenge for the attack, Korvis is shot with an arrow and falls off a cliff straight into the underground hideout of the President. They don't seem familiar with this term since they haltingly pronounce this Prezzydent, and then refer to him as Prez.  Apparently Prez must be known for wearing a gold lame suit space suit and carrying a boom box because when Korvis puts on the suit and goes outside, people mistake him for Prez. Yeah, it makes no sense.

It's hunky guys and bearded cavemen vs. women with big fancy hairstyles and make up. Plus there's a strange looking monster called Argh the Awful, and a rocking 80s soundtrack.  I'm surprised the bad wigs don't fly off peoples heads as they fight, run, and fall off horses.

This is a silly movie and the silly future lingo drove me nuts, but then started to fascinate me because of it's stupidity.  The first seventeen minutes of the movie is filled with exposition.  Parts of it were amusing and other parts were boring.  It was made by Golan Globus, and due to my love of ninja films of the 80s, I'm all about Golan Globus films.  Overall it's good for mindless entertainment.

Ridiculous future dialogue:

Hot scan what I say...

It's a cold Plugart trick.

Legends don't say what the Prez will scan like.

I am a man. Neggy macho... neggy toy.

If I wanted to pain you, I wouldn't have brought you here.

Solemn swear.

Woggos.. oh that wacky future lingo.
Low rent Lisa Kudrow is not amused
Requisite killer monster who turns out to be lovable
What? I'm not wearing a wig! 
Lots of hairspray and make up after the apocalypse
Only a hunky guy could pull off a top hat in a wasteland
Tube tops - fashion of future barbarians
Your sort of greasy hero, ladies and gentlemen
Surprisingly Prez's suite is dust free
He doesn't know what a boom box is, but he understands video?
Gold lame? must be Prezzydent.
All hail Prez
There are no words....

No comments: