Aquanoids (2003)

In1987, an Aquanoid killed a number of people in a small town, including Vanessa’s mother. The medical examiner covered up the deaths by ruling them boating accidents.  Jackson, who saw the creature, became known as the town loon.

Seventeen years later, environmentalist Vanessa is doing work at the beach and sees an Aquanoid.  I’m not sure what sort of work she’s doing because she’s in denim shorts and a bikini top, but shes on a first name basis with the Mayor. She barges into his office and tells him to close the beaches. And by office, I mean the hallway where his desk appears to be.

Since it’s the 4th of July weekend,  the Mayor is having none of her “close the beaches” nonsense. So Vanessa and her friend hand out flyers telling people to stay out of the water. They also go to the beach and shout at people about the danger of the Aquanoids. 

When a dead body is discovered, the Mayor blackmails the medical examiner into saying it’s another boating accident. Then he pays Officer Stanze to make Vanessa disappear.  Oddly enough, Stanze seems fine with killing her. The Mayor also sends the developer he’s working with to seduce a reporter and steal a tape with a story about the Aquanoids. 

We end up with multiple people at the beach, more deaths, a human who gives birth to a creature, and a fight against the Aquanoids. Or I guess I should say Aquanoid because it’s not like there is a group of them. It appears to just be one who is causing a ruckus. And why did they come back after 17 years? 

This is a low budget movie. The music is similar to someone with a Casio keyboard writing music for a local soap opera. The beginning of the movie was fairly amusing, but about thirty minutes in I started wondering if I was actually watching a bad comedy because the acting was often over the top.  While the first part was amusing, it got tedious as it went on.

Ridiculous dialogue:

Close the beaches now!

Vanessa - The Aquanoids are back! I just had a run in with one down at the cove.

Developer - What?

Mayor - Wait a minute, now just a minute now. Aren’t you uh, maybe it was just an oversized fish.”

What we have here is a hysterical female who saw a large fish.

Dangerous water! Dangerous water! Look I know it’s the Fourth of July, just stay out of the water. Tell your friends. Tell your family.

Your mother was an old fashioned girl. We were married and she didn’t know how to tell you.

Boom mic alert

The Mayor’s office?

The loneliest Aquanoid

Vanessa speeds around on a scooter

She’s swimming but looks like she’s drowning

Vanessa’s photographic proof the Aquanoid is real

Would you believe two people in bathing suits handing
out generic flyers about dangerous water?

Witches in the Woods (2019)

A group of college kids go on a ski weekend. When an accident closes the road, they decide to take a short cut. The short cut is blocked with a chain that says no trespassing, which they literally drive through.  As if that isn’t warning enough, it’s winter, the road might be dirt, there’s no way to know if it’s plowed all the way through, and they do not have four wheel drive.

On the trip is Allison,who has been having a rough time since she was roofied and sexually assaulted. Jill thought this would help her feel better, but this may not have been advisable since this trip is far from drama free.  At least two guys in the van are on the football team and may have been involved in her assault, including Jill’s boyfriend Derek. No one knows Matty’s girlfriend Brie but she’s making catty remarks about Allison’s assault which imply she’s seen a video of it. Plus Jill is cheating on her boyfriend with Phillip.  So even if the short cut goes okay, they’re bound to end up hating each other.

No one seems to be paying much attention to where they’re going since three hours later, they’re still on the shortcut. When Derek takes his eyes off the road, the van ends up in a ditch. While they are able to get it back on the road, Allison’s foot hits the gas and they’re off the road again, getting stuck for good. There is no cell service and it’s going to be dark soon. It’s also the woods where there were witches in colonial times

Is there actually anywhere in Massachusetts where you can drive for three hours and not hit a road? If you’re on the highway, it takes less than three hours to get from one side of the state to the other.  Why is no one concerned about the snow covered road and the lack of four wheel drive in the van? It’s one thing if you’re going to a friends house, but it’s another to go down a random snow covered road in the woods. 

And why do they seem to constantly have the van running when they have no idea how long they are going to be there? They seem unconcerned about running out of gas.  Shouldn’t they have put on their winter hats and coats, and bundled up before they ran out of gas? Also why are they all sitting apart?  It’s freezing. You’re cold.  Huddle together for body heat to keep warm. It’s like they’ve know nothing about winter.

There are two puzzling aspects of this movie. The first is that Philip is pressuring Jill to tell Derek about their relationship.  A weekend ski trip with friends is not the time to reveal you’ve been cheating, especially when the other man is on the trip. It makes no sense.  But the second issue is more problematic which is there are no witches in this movie. Yes, there is talk of witches and they pick up a brochure about witches and their local history. But if you’re looking for a witch, you will be severely disappointed. 

Bad winter decisions -  go from bare pavement…

To packed ice….

To a couple inches of snow on a road that isnt open

The Door in the Woods (2019)

Evelyn, Redd and their son Kane move to a new town.  Kane goes to a  special school because his brain works differently. What is so special about the school, and what is wrong with his brain, you ask?  You’ll never know.

Although Kane is bullied and hates it there, Redd and Evelyn are too invested in him going to this school.  They can’t afford the tuition so in exchange Redd’s construction business is pouring concrete.  It’s unclear how they can afford the materials for the job or payment for the crew when no cash is coming in. But he’s hoping this will lead to more work from the other parents.

After Kane is suspended for fighting his bullies, the family goes to a state park for a hike and finds an upright door covered in chains in the middle of a clearing. Evelyn wants it, but Redd thinks it’s creepy. Evelyn counters she’ll be able to start her new online craft store if the closet door isn’t missing. Red overlooks the fact that these two things aren’t related.

They steal the door, refurnish it, and put it in the hallway. I was hoping the next day we’d get a newspaper headline saying an art installation had been stolen from the state park. Soon after strange things start to happen in the house and Kane is blamed.  But when Evelyn invites her deaf psychic over to bless the house, he realizes there is something wrong. She’s invited evil into the home and must get rid of the door.

Evelyn asks the librarian about hauntings and supernatural happenings in town and the librarian mentions the vanishing children.  As a woman with a child, Evelyn is surprisingly unconcerned. But she reads up about the disappearances and starts searching for more info on the door.

It is no surprise to anyone who’s seen a horror movie when Kane disappears. What is surprising is that the psychic can actually connect with the other side.  When the entity refuses to do what they ask, Evelyn thinks it gives her leverage to say she’ll refuse to leave his realm. Sigh. Oh Evelyn, just because you can manipulate your husband into getting your way doesn’t mean you can do it to a demon.

The biggest questions you’ll have are: why is Evelyn so calm when discovering the town is known for missing children?  Why did the parents offer to trade both their lives for Kane? Did they not realize that would make him an orphan?  Why did Kane have to go to this school?  What was special about it? What is wrong with Kane’s brain? And most importantly, why are so many closets in this town non-standard size and a perfect fit for the creepy door?

Ridiculous dialogue:

I set up a simple web site. It connects to all the crafty sites.

Redd - It’s just creepy. What, someone just left a door out here?

Evelyn- No, people dump treasures all the time

If he won’t bargain, then we won’t leave.

Nothing creepy about this. It’d be a fine addition to any home.

Surprisingly no one is concerned about getting locked in.

So demons have card table and folding chairs?

Carver (2105)

Shawn is a bully who decides he wants the grand prize in the pumpkin contest.  He sees his favorite target Silas and destroys his pumpkin.  Too bad Shawn doesn’t realize there are other pumpkins and Silas wins using his friend Penny’s pumpkin. 

In an effort to steal the Xbox prize, Shawn and his friends chase Silas and Penny into the woods, where Silas falls into a hole.  When Penny tries to help him out, Shawn pushes her in.

Josh says they need to call someone, but Shawn pressures them to keep their mouths shut or they’ll end up in juvenile detention. Sadly the other kids don’t realize only Shawn is in danger of this. To hammer the point home that Shawn is the worst, days later at the search for the kids, he asks Silas’s mother for missing flyers to hand out. 

Eight years later, Shawn is the star quarterback, and the others are on the team or cheerleaders. So much for karma.  Josh, the only kid with a conscience, isn’t their friend anymore and hasn’t been the same since they left Silas and Penny to die. 

At Halloween, someone leaves carved pumpkins on everyone’s porch. They suspect Josh since he’s different now and he warned Shawn’s new girlfriend to be careful of him. The day of the dance, people start disappearing. Someone is killing everyone who left the kids to die.  

So many questions. Why didn’t Shawn steal the Xbox from the wagon after Silas ran off, rather than chasing him into the woods?  Why was there a rectangular hole in the ground? Why did they order a pizza, but never take a bite of it? How long did Silas’s mom wait to kill herself? She’s passing out flyers and the next scene she’s got a pistol. Was it two weeks? Three months? A year?  There’s no time frame. And why do we have a really long scene of Dustin dancing?

Is this movie good? No, I watched it because the acting in the trailer was so stilted. It’s what you would see in a high school play or community theater. But probably that’s because the person who directed it and co-wrote it was thirteen years old.  So in that sense, it’s impressive because a thirteen year old raised $30,000 to make a movie on kickstarter.   

Ridiculous dialogue:

I found this in the woods covered in blood. What’s wrong>

What the hell guys? You left me with the check.

Get over it, you jag.

It’s always awkward when an unknown director puts their name
above the title like Hitchcock.

Black wall paper 

The one kid haunted by leaving Silas and Penny to die

The pizza scene where no one eats the pizza.

The bullies vs. the good kids

The overly long dance scene

Smarmy Shawn

My favorite scene -  the blood spray from the head.

The Land of the Blue Lakes (2021)

Five friends head out on a five day kayak trip, There are multiple islands which they can camp on, and they plan to see the Stone of the Sacrificed, which was used by Pagans to make sacrifices.

Twenty minutes in I felt like I was watching someones home movies.  While it was beautiful scenery shot from a kayak, the only scare was storm clouds which made me worry about them getting struck by lightning.

After the group spends a night drinking and goes to bed in their tents, at thirty six minutes we get the first creepy thing where someone films them as they sleep. They also bury something in the ground at the camp site.

In the morning, the group finds a creepy doll nailed to a tree. They don’t remember it being there, but since they are leaving they aren’t that concerned. And we’re back to shots of kayaking.

There are various obstacles to overcome and at forty seven minutes their camera pans by someone in the weeds with a skeleton type shirt on. No one notices.  But since our group got through the narrow water way and is back on the lake, will this person factor into their journey?  We know they never made it home, but is it due to this creep? Does this person have a kayak or boat? It would seem they’d notice if someone was following them.

Since the movie is only a little over an hour, there’s not a lot of time left for things to go sideways.   The viewer has to wait for the last few minutes of the film to discover the fate of our kayakers.   

The movie was filmed in Latvia. While I didn’t like the characters enough to be invested in their fate, I was thankful they were pleasant and got along well.  Too many movies have obnoxious unlikeable characters that are hard to watch. 

Yup, it’s definitely too dark.

If something is outside in the dark, don’t shine
the light toward your face. You’ll be night blind.

They spend a lot of scenes of figuring out how to get
through the water ways.

The lakes are beautiful, but get used to a lot of this.

Attic Void (2022)

Alan and Ray head to Norway to film a travel show. They’ve worked together for a long time, with Ray in front of the camera and Alan behind as a producer.  When their cameraman bails at the last minute, they manage to get Sean to shoot the footage.

The boat trip is long, but the Captain is entertaining. There are twenty other passengers. Some are tourists, while others are doing research. Everyone is on the deck, eating, drinking and socializing, except Alan and Ray who have gone inside because Alan felt sick.

After a brief power outage, Ray and Alan head back up on deck to find no one there. Belongings are scattered on the table, but there is no sign of the people. As they frantically search the boat, they come across Sean but no one else.

Their theories as to what might have happened make no sense. But then again the situation doesn’t make sense. How do people on a boat just disappear?  They wonder if the the Captain took everyone to the nearby town, and decide to take the raft to check it out. If the passengers aren’t there, maybe they can get help.  

The viewer already knows Sean was on deck when the people disappeared. So the question is will we ever find out what Sean saw?  Since Sean neglected to tell them he was on deck, is he part of this?  And is there going to be a pay off?  At the end, I was hoping they’d get eaten by bears, and I felt meh about the movie.  It doesn’t quite wrap things up. And while some movies are ok to be left open ended, this one didn’t sit well.

Lake Artifact (2018)

A group of friends heading to a cabin have car trouble and meet a man carrying a case of beer.  He helps them with the car, offers them beer, and is invited to join them at the cabin.  Only one man is wary of inviting a stranger to stay with them,

The next day one girl finds a 8x0 glossy of the group standing by the lake.  But they didn’t go the lake. So who took the photo and when was it taken? Someone says it must be a prank, while not providing any reasoning on why or how it could be.

One of the guys leaves to get more food and beer, but doesn’t return. That night they hear noises outside and discover an old man, who they conk on the head and lock in the shed. They figure they can call the police the next day.  No one realizes there is an issue with imprisoning someone over night.

Things get every weirder the next day. More photos are printed. The missing guy returns, but his girlfriend tries to stab him. No one knows what the hell is going on, and no matter how far they walk or drive, they seem to be get nowhere.

Interspersed with this story is footage from someone making a documentary. There are interviews with a religious group The Hand of God, who claim the legend of the Hand of One - where there is a fight to the death between dozens of men based on urging of the founder of the church - was meant to discredit their religion.  At the end, I just felt meh about it.

Dialogue of people who may soon be arrested for imprisonment:

Tie him up. Put him in the garage. Call the cops in the morning.

Should be fine, I mean, he’s an old man.

Char Man (2019)

Cam and Eric decide to make a fake documentary about the Ojai vampire. They rent a house and drive to town with Andy, their cameraman, to scout for locations.   They’ve ordered coffins which they plan to “find” in the woods and solve the vampire mystery. As if a vampire legend wasn’t enough, they make up a story that he was a toymaker and incorporate a doll Eric’s had since he was a kid.  

While interviewing a local historian, he asks if they’ve ever heard of Char Man, who was burned when a fire swept through town in the 1940s. There are multiple origin stories as to the person and how it happened. Over the years people have reported the stench of burning flesh or a figure in the woods.  It is said if you go to the bridge after dark or yell for help while on the bridge, the Char Man will come for you.

Cam and Eric decide to scrap the vampire story and use Char Man as their subject. Rather than do any research, they’ll just do another fake documentary where they make it up as they go along. What the hell.   When they smell something terrible in the middle of the night, they wonder what it could be. The next day they go the bridge and smell something horrible but they never consider the legend of Char Man, even though it’s their project. 

Things don’t go well for them, but aren’t particularly scary. Faucets turn on by themselves and a doll disappears at the bridge, but shows up at home.  Then in the middle of the night,  kids in masks look in their windows.  While creepy, the guys aren’t alarmed enough to shut the shades. They stand there with the lights blazing, essentially sitting in a fishbowl.

The town folks don’t want to talk about Char Man, the police dismiss their calls about people outside the house, and weird things keep happening. But do we care? No. No, we do not.  There’s tons of b-roll, and even conversations about how they’re shootings b-roll. There’s not much going on except three guys wandering around a town talking about the fake movie they’re going to make.  Also what’s the point of wanting to interview real towns people about the legend, when you’re just making stuff up and shooting a fake documentary? 

Escape Room (2017)

Kristen has been doing research on escape rooms. For what, you ask? I have no idea. So when an invite to an escape room shows up in her email, she assumes it’s because of her research and books a room for her boyfriends birthday. Two other couples join them in the party bus that brings them to their mystery destination.  They must put their phones, wallets, purses and everything in their pockets in a bag so they have no access to help while trying to escape. 

They are blindfolded, led inside and put in different rooms. There are no instructions or explanation about what to do. Eventually they end up in the same room, except for Kristen who is somewhere in a cage.  They need to find her before she dies.  And thus starts a series of people not taking things seriously even though others have literally died and they could be next.  

Also what is up with people arguing about personal matters in the middle of a life or death crisis? It seems to happen in so many movies.  You don’t have time to talk about this crap right now. If you’re all worked up about being cheated on, you’re not going to notice someone coming up behind you.

Ice Demon (2021)

Two hikers get stuck in a snowstorm and they find a body.  They camp nearby since there is no way back to town, but in the middle of the night something goes horribly wrong leaving one woman dead and the other with severe frostbite.

The next day Tanya is surprised to get a call that her husband Matvei, who disappeared ten years ago, has been found.  Tanya is living with her new husband Mischa and Ksyusha, her daughter with Matvei.

When Tanya goes into visits Matvei in the hospital, she is surprised to see he hasn’t aged. Then everyone else is surprised when she decides to bring her coma husband home and take care of him.  Mischa and Ksyusha are not amused. 

Ksyusha thinks he’s creepy and strange things start to happen. She thinks she sees him move and her mother seems like a different person, who is only interested in her ex. 

This is a Russian film.  It starts out with a bang and although there are some creepy. Moments, it gets slower as the film goes on.

Ridiculous dialogue:

My dog is missing.

What do you mean?

Reed’s Point (2022)

Aka Reed’s Point: Bad Blood Never Dies

Kelsey, her boyfriend Alex, and cousin Sarah hitch a ride in her rich daddy’s RV. The next thing you know the RV crashes and they’re flying around the cabin like something out of 1960s Star Trek.  Unfortunately for them, they’ve crashed in the woods where the Jersey Devil is rumored to exist.  Sarah and Alex are the only ones to be rescued. Kelsey’s body is never found and Sarah is convinced she saw a creature drag her off.

Cut to Sarah and Alex who are now journalism majors and writing for the college paper. They decide to do a story about the Jersey Devil and head to a town near the crash site. They find a guide to take them into the woods. And by guide I mean someone they don’t know whose name was mentioned by a waitress.  

While trekking toward the crash site, Alex falls down a hill and gets his leg wedged in a tree. Yeah it’s as stupid as it sounds.  The guide heads goes off to get some help, saying he’ll be back in a few hours. Sarah decides to wrap a tourniquet around Alex’s leg.  Sarah should have taken a first aid class since it’s not the best idea to cut off circulation to a major appendage unless he’s going to bleed out - which he isn’t.

When the sun starts to set and the guide is not back, Sarah and her non-functioning brain stem decide to wander off to find help.  It’s dark, she isn’t sure where she is, and she’s leaving her friend alone in the woods where she believes the Jersey Devil is active. Nothing good can come from this.

Ridiculous dialogue:

You want to go into the woods with a complete stranger?

I suggest that if and when we find your friend, you two get out of here, you leave this place behind. You never come back.

I don’t know if I can do that.

This is all my fault.

Woah woah woah, Sarah.  This is not your fault.

Really?

Heading towards disaster

Holy crap,is his bicep abnormally large, or is it the angle?

Leg stuck in a tree? He’s the Gilligan of this story.

Her outfit and shoes show she’s never hiked before.

He seems totally trustworthy.

Flatline (2021)

A paranormal show heads to Rome to investigate a case.  They’ve been contacted by a Damiano, a hollow eyed guy who can’t sleep.  He suffers from sleep paralysis and sees a young girl at the foot of his bed. Harold says they don’t usually take on this type of case, but Damiano seems subservient. Uh okay.

The village Damiano lives in is an old one where the buildings are all connected and you walk through passageways to get around.  The citizens aren’t very friendly but the team is able to find a place to stay and a nearby restaurant.

Michelle is in front of the camera, and Harold and Lisa are behind it. They are constantly in each other’s shots. When they go to visit Damiano, his door is open but he’s nowhere to be found. Then an angry man shows up and kicks them out.

The town folks don’t want to talk to them once they discover the group are ghost hunters. But one family with a missing girl is willing to talk, until they say something that upsets them.  In the course of their questionable research skills, they discover one of the old families in town used to sacrifice children in the Middle Ages, and a child has gone missing every seven years on the new moon since the 1700s. What’s that now? It’s the new moon creeping up behind you to tap you on the shoulder? Good luck 

Ridiculous dialogue:

We receive loads of requests every month and we have to judge who deserves our attention and who doesn’t.

[Listening to a conversation in Italian]

Harold: What did she say?

Girl:  English!

Harold: Actually American.

Our three paranormal investigators

This host needs a camera person who doesn’t get in the shot.

Not the bet thing to see drawn on the wall

The door to one of the houses

If Harold was filming himself and that’s his leg,
 then who’s holding the camera?

Damiano and his lack of sleep

Walking through the passageways in the village