Saturday, November 2, 2013

Death Machines (1976)

Madame Lee, an Asian women with an overly large hairdo and a knack for sounding like she has a mouth full of glue, picks three martial artists to comprise her squad of Death Machines. Each one was the winner in a fight.  No one shall mention the lack of technical prowess in their opponents or that the white Death Machine used a gun to defeat his opponent.

Lee, who reminds me of a Madeline Kahn character, has decided to corner the market in assassins. So anytime someone hires a hit man, Lee sends her Death Machines kill the hit man. 

Then for some unimaginable reason, the Death Machines wipe out an entire karate dojo.  The teacher and all his students are killed, except for one guy who turns out to be really whiny.

The surviving student, Frank is missing a hand and swears revenge. Forgive me for being skeptical, but the Death Machines killed everyone in the building and took your arm. I don't really think you're up to the challenge.

Frank's nurse is a little too attached and once he's released from the hospital, she shows up wherever he goes, bringing a slightly stalker-ish vibe with her.  She is very encouraging and tells him he's not useless just because he lost an arm. And here the film takes a left turn into a love story between the nurse and only survivor Frank, who is soon beat up by an old codger at the bar. Granted, the guy beats up everyone in the bar, but still it's not going to help Frank's self confidence.

At one point the cops actually catch the white Death Machine, but thankfully for him they are the equivalent of the Keystone Cops and he's soon back on the streets to kill some more.

All I know is that the words "What the hell?!?" were uttered quite often while watching this ridiculous mess. Although I do love the teeth on the logo on the cover.

Pretty sure this bridge is in one of Sho Kosugi's Ninja films
Nothing better than dropping a dummy
Nice three piece suit. It goes well with the carpet.
Death Machines! 
Low rent Hal Linden does not approve
The days of colorful sports coats and serious smoking
Something is very wrong with his makeup, and it
looks like he was wearing goggles when it was applied
Note the chalk outline around the hand.... which
is not attached to the arm
Framing is important - don't be the guy who has a fountain
of water streaming from your nose
Madeline Kahn?
The Sears Catalog model Death Machines

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