Lurking Woods (2015)

Six friends from college decide to rent a cabin for a weekend to catch up. They don’t seem to have done much research into where they are staying.   The couple who own the place are dirty and coarse.  There is a mute who chops wood and looks dangerous.  Also the cabin is actually a house. When they see it, they say, “oh my god.”  For the life of me, I can’t tell if they think it’s great or terrible.  If you rented it and hadn’t seen it before, you would be terribly disappointed upon glimpsing the exterior.

There are three girls and three guys. They can’t decide who will hang out with who, so they set up this scavenger hunt where the guys have to follow clues to find the girls.  Why wouldn’t they want to have a say in who they spent the weekend with? Oh, turns out two of the girls have already picked out guys and rigged the game by providing them with the answers to the clues.  Then why are they even doing this? 

While on the scavenger hunt, someone starts killing members of the group. Could it be the creepy hitchhiker they saw earlier who just got out of jail? Could it be the mute guy with the ax? Could it be the unfriendly couple who own the place? Or are we in totally different territory with a killer that we haven’t met yet? Also these college students have fairly bad peripheral vision because people can sneak up on them when they’re in the open  

When I saw the title, all I could think is, so the woods are lurking?

Ghost Boat (2014)

Aka Alarmed

After being acquitted of murdering her family, Sam goes out on the family yacht with her ex boyfriend Mark and a couple of friends. An accident leads the others to seek help leaving just Mark and Sam on the boat. Things get weird because Sam starts seeing a ghost girl in the hallway, the doors lock with Mark stuck outside on the deck, and a mystery voice regularly commands Sam to mutilate herself. And if she doesn’t, an unseen force makes her do it anyway.

This has a Groundhog Day quality in that she wakes up each day with every injury healed, other than bruising or scarring. Cut off a hand? It’s back in place when she wakes up. But to what end?  There are flashbacks to family parties, the murder, the trial, jail, and visits with a psychiatrist. There are jumps in time and you start wondering if her time on the boat is actually the present or another flashback.  The problem is it’s not that interesting.

Although it takes place on a boat, it could have taken place anywhere, as long as they were isolated enough that they couldn’t get help.  And since it’s supernatural, it even could have taken place in a high rise where Mark got stuck on the balcony.  

There is a strange man in a boat who rides by and stares at them but doesn’t help them.  He seems to be a supernatural douche in a fedora. I never figured out who he was or why he kept driving by them. There also isn’t much ghost action in this. It’s mostly a disembodied voice commanding her to cut pieces of her body off. Again, it sounds much more horrible and suspenseful than it is.

Angels v. Zombies: Army of the Dead (2018)

Aka Dark Patch

Police attempt to arrest a man whose grandparent are found dead in the house, but the man dies in the process. While being transported in the ambulance, he appears to be alive. They start treatment but don’t realize - and why would they - he’s come back from the dead. When theygets to the hospital, things go crazy, but not crazy good, more crazy meh.

Zombies are walking the Earth and angels are trying to stop them. Everyone is boring. The angels wear jackets that look like they were made from your grandmothers upholstery.  There are angels that are supposed to be tough, but they come off like when your dad’s friend who works in an office tries to act tough.

The cover pretty much tells you all you need to know. I watched about half of this but it wasn’t interesting enough to continue.  The cover makes it appear as if the angel is perched on a chicken leg. Oh mutant angel, you’ll be delicious.

Zombies

This is supposed to be a police station. 

The upholstery style coats, complete with buttons and cross hatch.
It also seems to be bedazzled on the shoulder.

The Curse of Buckout Road (2017)

Three students in a humanities class do a project on urban legends and mythology, concentrating on local legends about Buckout Road.  When their teacher hangs herself at the sight of the legend, a local psychiatrists son, who is home from the military, is suspected.

This is supposedly based on a real urban legend, but I hope it’s different from the main mythos of the movie. Supposedly if you go to Buckout Road and  you honk your horn three times, some crazy albinos will come out of the woods and eat you.  

Cleo the sheriffs daughter and Aaron the psychiatrists son start to think there is something supernatural going on when both start having dreams about Buckout Road.  The other two guys working with Cleo on the project are also having strange dreams and get picked up sleep walking near Buckout Road. So tensions are running high and get even worse when the psychiatrist dies in an accident. 

This is one of those movies where you have so many questions at the end, including if there are multiple suicides, legends, and something that occurs repeatedly, why has no one noticed it?  Shouldn’t the legend have brought attention to what is really going on in this town?

The Haunting of Hythe House (2021)

Danny the Destroyer does movie reviews and has 10 million followers.  As he gleefully types up another review for a bad movie, a voice comes from his laptop saying he’s been hacked. Danny sits there like a dub, rather than trying to disconnect from the attack.

The voice accuses Danny of being a troll and says his last review caused the director to commit suicide.  If one review made him kill himself, then he has bigger issues to tackle. Even if you’re a genius, you’re going to get bad reviews. Also these days anyone can make a movie and realistically much of what is released is bad.  

The voice tells Danny he must spend 24 hours in an abandoned building where it’s rumored there is one million in treasure. If he refuses, then the mystery voice will reveal his secrets.  He must put his phone in a bag, use the equipment they provide, and explore the house. People will be watching as he goes through the building. 

Oddly enough, at times Danny chooses to lay down and take a nap.  I’m not sure why he would do this since there are some odd things that happen, and he knows the people who blackmailed him hate him.  He’s not safe, yet he’s careless about his safety.

At times the movie cuts to other people in the house looking for the treasure. However it’s never clear who they are or if they are there at the same time as Danny.  The only people he sees are a maid and butler. But you don’t know he’s a butler since he’s wearing a top hat. The maid devours a chicken while Danny just sort of goes, huh?  We don’t need to see anyone using their teeth to tear through a chicken. And eventually our movie reaches an unsatisfying ending where Danny is asked to choose between two vials of liquid, one of which will allow him to live.

So based on the premise, we can assume the screenwriter is mad because his films aren’t getting good reviews.  However I’m not sure how calling reviewers trolls will help his cause. Also what if the reviews are justified and his movies are bad?  Just because you made a movie doesn’t mean it’s good. And just because your movies suck doesn’t mean you have to stop making them. 

This writer works with Louise Warren (who played the maid) and Jeffery Scott, who are both prolific movie makers. Are their movies good? Nope. Do I watch them? Yep.  Even though they’re awful and I often question why I would watch another one of them, I am fascinated by their prolific output of ultra low budget movies.  Somewhere I saw a comment that this movie had a three day shoot and a zero budget. I can believe it. But they seem to have a good licensing agreement because their movies can be found on various streaming services. If their budget is zero or only a few hundred dollars, they must be making money.

Aw man, are we supposed to root for this sad sack?

Butlers don’t wear top hats 

It looks like he’s being tortured, but he just fell asleep

The clock counting down his time left in the house

The best comment about the film

Teenage Wasteland (2018)

Aka Reel Killz

A group of psycho twenty somethings spend their time murdering people and shooting video of it.  This story meets up with a family drama about two sisters who don’t get along with their mother but have decided to spend the weekend together.  

This family reunion is going to be great. Mom is insufferable, likes to drink and passive aggressively insult her daughters.  The younger sister just got married, while older sister Jennifer hasn’t worked in a month and is pregnant. No information will be provided on either of those situations.  After Mom harasses Jennifer, the younger sister consoles her by telling her she’s unique and different. However there is never any indication that this seemingly mundane woman is anything other than ordinary. 

When a scared woman named Claire knocks on the door and wants to use the phone, Jennifer invites her in. After finding out she’s escaped from someone, Jennifer runs off to find her sister but the house is empty when they come back. Jennifer mentions the girls name, which is weird since I never heard the girl mention it. I’m not sure if I zoned out or it’s an error in continuity.

Weird things keep happening but no one is concerned. A guy shows up looking for the Claire but disappears.  The younger sisters husband is nowhere to be found and his phone goes directly to voicemail. There are knocks on the door and they find a door to door vendor sold them what appear to be snuff films.  Jennifer goes for a walk even though they are creeped out. Then while in town  - how far did she walk? - she passes by a group of youngsters in a van and they ask her name. That’s not normal.

By the time everything comes to a head, you realize you don’t care what happens.  But you do have questions. Why isn’t Jennifer suspicious when she discovers Claire only pretended to make a call on her phone? Why does everyone keep going out the front door to get to the bunkhouse, making it seem like it’s a separate building, but later they head toward the back of the house to get there? If you hear a weird noise outside on a day in which creepy people have been in your yard, why would you ever open the window and stick your head out? Why does no one question how Claire has Jennifers sisters cell number? If the killers in the bunkhouse can hear the cop siren, then why doesn’t anyone in the house?  Also did anyone realize that Jennifer sister runs like a baby giraffe? Because it’s very distracting.  

If only he’d realized he wasn’t tied to the tracks

A doll is better than a crumpled blanket,
but it still looks like a doll

The Leprechauns Rage (2021)

Aka the Leprechauns Curse

Tilly inherits Marigold Estate, which appears to be a rooming house with an indoor pool. Her dad died years ago but for some reason she’s just inherited this building now.  So Tilley, her boyfriend, her mom and two friends cram themselves into a sedan for a four hour ride.

When they arrive, they walk in and start exploring. There is a maid in the pool area who admonishes them to remove their shoes. They find four leaf clovers in little plant pots in the shed, and when they go swimming, they find gold pieces in the pool. Tilley also finds a note on her clothes accusing her of being a thief, and injures herself by stepping on some tacks.  She and her mom tell people to stop pulling such jokes. What kind of friends does she have? Are accusations and injuries normal?  

The note turns out to be from the largest leprechaun ever who is looking for his gold.  How would Tilly  know there was stolen gold on the property she just inherited, or where it was located? It seems like she should get a pass for anything other than the gold she found, which to be fair was in a house she owns. So she got a really raw deal.

When the leprechaun kills the maid, Tilly and her mom rescue her baby. In a truly nonsensical maneuver, they hide the baby behind a chair in a bedroom and then run out of the house. Wouldn’t the baby be safer with you? If the leprechaun kills you, that baby may not be found for weeks.  

Another movie where questions abound.  Why did they run to the shed rather than running to get help? Why do they continue to live in the murder house?  Why does Mom get a gold tooth? Not only is it aesthetically unpleasant to the eye, but a leprechaun was trying to kill you over gold. 

That is one big leprechaun

Apparently leprechauns don’t have peripheral vision

He is the worst at hiding from leprechauns

If you find a note about gold thievery, get out while you still can

The odd leprechaun mask

So leprechauns wear tube socks and loafers?

Decent eyeball effect

Why do people always put their hands over their
own mouths when they hide?

5 am (2016)

Five friends meet up to tell tales of supernatural occurrences and summon a spirit who cursed them. Each has a story about some creepy or supernatural thing that happened.  While there are some flashbacks, most of the stories are told by the characters speaking softly while we see a close up of their face. So it’s not the most exciting or scary film. 

One of the guys says he needs their help and they can’t ask any questions.  This should in itself prompt a question as to why they can’t know what is going on.  But they proceed to talk and later go into a room to play a game which involves using scrabble tiles and a wine glass to contact the dead.

There is also a parallel story with someone’s aunt in the attic and a maid that doesn’t get paid enough to deal with this crap.  The story takes place in Buenos Aires while a storm is coming, which I thought would play into it, but didn’t.

The eyeliner in this movie is excessive.

Expect a lot of this while they relay their scary story.

Dawn of the Beast (2021)

A masters level cryptozoology class goes on an overnight field trip into the woods. One girl brings her controlling boyfriend, which is weird because most colleges don’t let people who aren’t enrolled come on class trips. Also some people said they’re talking the class because it’s supposed to be an easy A.  Are there really masters classes that are easy?

The group follows the professor into the woods, but randomly decide to split off. One girl wanders on her own in the woods and meets a creep. A few others end up in a field where they find a corpse. Instead of notifying anyone, they keep it quiet so as not to spoil the weekend plans.  Also one of the girls steals a necklace from the corpse. Who does that?

Their cabin is within an area where people are known to disappear and they’ve been warned that it’s not safe to be out there.  They are unconcerned.  When a creature show up later that night, people are confused. These guys are taking a masters class in cryptozoology but seem to have no knowledge about the subject. The ending is very unsatisfying.

The Beast of Bray Road (2005)

A new Sheriff investigates reported creature sightings and missing persons. Then a cryptozoologist shows up, thinks the problem is a werewolf and insists on silver bullets. The Sheriff doesn't believe these sillly stories, even though the town has a legend of werewolves and Bigfoot, so it’s not like it came up out of the blue.

There is a definite low rent Jaws vibe going on.  Even though people are getting killed, the town leaders want to keep it quiet since it could ruin deer hunting season.  There is a Quint like character who claims he can kill it. Plus there is the line, “We’re definitely going to need bigger guns.”

Also problematic is the town is filled with abusive hillbillies. Plus the Sheriff’s girlfriend doesn’t want him to look for the beast because it could be dangerous. Maybe she shouldn’t be dating someone in law enforcement.

This is hard to get through because it’s not very interesting.  

Lake Fear (2014)

Four girls plan to stay in an old cabin in the woods, which turns out to actually be at the edge of a field. They have no idea who owns the place or if someone lives there. They’re not even exactly sure how to get there, which leads to our teens hiking through the woods to get to the mystery cabin. It’s not clear why they’re going there or how they found out where it was, but it sounds like a bad idea over all.

Tina is a mean girl with a bad attitude who you hope dies first.  When one of the girls says they may get in trouble if the owner of the house show up, Tina scoffs and says they’ll pretend they’re lost and needed help so they went in.  None of them are very bright since there is a light on outside the cabin and its fairly clean inside. So someone is keeping this place up. But they go in and make themselves at home.

Soon evil spirits are unleashed, a large man shows up, and the film uses tons of horror movies tropes, which they probably thought were scary, but combining them just makes the film super annoying.  There is a lot of dissonant noise, voices with echo or devil effects which make them unintelligible, and a couple sections of complete cacophony where a soul singer and horror movie music play at the same time. It’s all annoying, rather than scary.

Not only are the characters unlikeable, but they make terrible decisions.  One is lying in mud on her stomach and her arms are pulled into the ground. But once she frees herself, she continues to lie there and look at her arms as if perplexed.   Yup it would be confusing but also creepy as hell so why would you continue to lie there? At a minimum, please move back three feet.

This had tons of padding. There are slow motion scenes of them driving in the car and an inexplicable time lapse of an industrial building while the girls walk into the woods.  What is the building? Why are we seeing it? I have no idea.  You’d be better served by watching the Evil Dead.  At least you want those characters to escape. These girls are so annoying and entitled that you just think, well they got what they deserved since they decided to take over someone else’s house.

I was stunned when I saw on IMDB that this a horror comedy. The synopsis provided by the filmmaker says it’s a generic spoof premise. What was supposed to be funny? Where was the over exaggeration for comedic effect?  A lot of low budget movies have painfully unfunny dialogue which you can assume is supposed to be funny, even though it’s not.  That this was supposed to have comedy makes the movie all the more disappointing. It wasn’t interesting, funny or enjoyable. Surprisingly there are two sequels.

Who is he and why does he show up out of nowhere?

Tina’s usual expression because she thinks everyone is an idiot

The Devil Complex (2016)

Aka Baciu Forest

This is basically Blair Witch in the snow in Transylvania but nothing happens.  When one of his students disappears while researching Baicu Forest, a professor spends a few years trying to figure out what happened to her. He discovers her video camera buried in the snow, uploads the footage to the web and commits suicide.  The rest of the movie is footage of Rachel, her cameraman and sound guy. 

Rachel, Joe and Tom travel to Transylvania to investigate the myths surrounding Baicu Forest. They start by doing interviews with locals in the street. Some of them believe the stories, while others think it’s just rumors.  But no one really wants to go there.  They are warned to stay away because “the forest looks into your soul and judges you and decides if you live or die.”

The group talks to a cantankerous old dude and follows him into the Forest, which seems like it may be more of a park based on the gaps in trees which could be paths.  There is snow covering the ground so we can’t really tell.  The group walks for a long time and eventually the old due freaks out and runs off. They yell after him and aren’t sure what to do since he ‘s their guide. No one can figure out that there is snow on the ground and they can follow his footprints, or try to retrace their step.  

It’s not clear how long they’ve been walking or how much it has snowed. So maybe retracing their steps would eventually lead to a place where their footprints are covered. But it might be better than sitting in a forest in winter that is ruomored to kill people who go into it. And again, there are gaps in the trees which potentially are paths hidden by the snow.

There is a lot of running, falling, nausea inducing camera swings, and people making bad decisions.  What there isn’t a whole lot of is anything scary.  Also when the movie opens with footage from their camera, it sounds like they are laughing. Then you realize it’s people running through the woods in the dark and it’s probably supposed to be the sound of fear and panic. But that’s not a good start when you can’t tell if the shouts are fun or fear.

Legitimate question from the crew:

If he believes in that ghost crap, why did he agree to bring us here?

Going full Blair Witch

He calmly says his ankle itches and then reveals this

I know they’re suppose to be students,
but their boom mic is showing

The Curse of Bloody Mary (2021)

Aka Summoning Bloody Mary; aka Bloody Mary

Four friends go away for a relaxation retreat, which is incredibly unrelaxing. Two of the four haven’t spoken in years after one slept with the others boyfriend. Also the retreat is in a large building but there are no other guests and the manager is very odd. She seems confused as to why they are there and doesn’t seem to have any activities to offer, even though it was discussed via email. Also they can choose any room they want, which is pretty weird. Even if no one is there, an actual spa would need to know which rooms need to be made up later.

The group does yoga, has a camp fire, and well, that’s about it.  The trip was a last ditch effort to get the two estranged friends talking again, but they didn’t tell either about inviting the other. Also if one person has wronged another, you may want to talk to the offender to see if they have taken responsibility for their actions and could apologize without defending what they’ve done. When you’ve betrayed your best friend by sleeping with her boyfriend, and you say you did them a favor or they should get over it because it was so long ago, that just makes you a total asshole. 

Our weird manager asks the girls if she can join their campfire, and tells them the story of Bloody Mary.  They don’t believe the legend. When they are dared to try it, they all agree. Each will go into a different room and say Bloody Mary three times while looking in a mirror. Damn women, what were you thinking? 

Screams are heard, horrible decisions are made and people die. When they realize there is a book that may help them stop Mary, three people go back into the building.  This makes no sense. Why not have one go in? Plus if you hear knocking, why would you stop to check out what the knocking was and put your face two inches from a mirror?  You already know there is supernatural activity in the house that involves a mirror.

Ridiculous dialogue:

Kate: It’s a little unorthodox but we have have this whole place to ourselves.

Dani: But is that a good thing?

Kate; I have to get this finished.

Manager: what are you doing?

Kate: Working

In some ways, I did you a favor [by sleeping with your boyfriend].

I don’t want to talk about a mistake i made way back in school.

A spa doing yoga without yoga mats is a red flag.

He is aware of Bloody Mary in the mirror. Yet when
he hears a sound, he puts his face a few inches from it.

The awkward square-ish pregnancy bump

If your hostess is always looking off to the side
as if there is something going on, be wary.

Ouija 3: The Charlie Charlie Challenge (2016)

Aka Charlie Charlie 

While trying to find a way to get business for Hangman’s House of Horrors, Gene sees a news broadcast about college girls who died doing the Charlie Charlie challenge. He comes up with the bright idea of allowing a group of people in the house after dark. He’ll tell them they’re alone, give them freedom to roam the house, and then his actors will scare them. Thus giving the haunt publicity and increasing their revenue, which is apparently zero at this time.

Five friends show up after winning tickets. Gene charges them $20 each claiming they won time in the house, not the cost of entry. That should be their first clue that something is off, but they pay and follow Gene into the house.

The group are taken to a room with school desks and told to do the Charlie Charlie challenge which supposedly summons a Mexican demon. The challenge is done with two pencils, one on top of the other, and a sheet of paper with yes and no written in four squares. You ask Charlie to play and then he answers questions. Oh and he also kills you.

No one notices the blue flash of light that comes out of the pencils on the first question.  When they ask if Charlie will hurt them if they continue to play, he says yes.  The girl with the least cranial functioning asks Charlie to prove the challenge is real and hurt them.  Why? Why would you ever do that? How about ask Charlie to shut a door, or knock a picture off the wall? The last thing you want to do is ask for physical pain from a demon.

When I saw the opening scene with college students, I wondered if I needed to watch the first two movies to understand what was going on. Then the title card came up and it was actually called Charlie Charlie. So apparently it’s not a squeal but an opportunity to get people to watch it by implying it is part of the ouija franchise.

There are a few pointless scenes with a couple in a car outside the haunt. There’s no reason for these people to exist other than to pad the film, and make the movie worse. It’s not like these scenes are interesting or clever or add anything to the film.  There’s also a scene with a sheriff sleeping in his car who is asked if he responded to a possible homicide. He says yes and goes back to sleep.

Another rough one to get through. The characters aren’t particularly likeable, other than Charlie and Skeeter.  And naming a characters Charlie when the challenge is called Charlie, well not sure why that was a good idea.

Self aware dialogue

Guys this is exactly how bad horror movies start.  Irrational decisions to play a game we all know could end up badly but we do it anyway.

The manager of the haunt has a pretty cool mask

This isn’t a great start to a night in the haunt.

This isn’t going to get you more business

Cool tunnel in the haunted attraction

The amazing Charlie challenge

Six Rivers Cabin (2013)

Aka A Monster Among Men; aka Beast: A Monster Among Men

Five friends go to a cabin for the weekend. Although to be fair, Bill is the only one who considers all of them friends.  Eli is ignoring everyone except Bill, and the other three - Mike, Sean and Chris - ask Bill why he brought Eli since they don’t like him.

Mike is the type of guy you don’t hang out with once you get out of high school because he’s so unlikeable.  He’s a bully and almost every interaction he has is aggressively insulting or antagonizing another member of the group. It’s a mystery as to why these guys are still hanging out with him, other than Sean who Mike seems to have control over to some extent.

When Eli walks off after being harassed by Mike again, Bill heads off after him. Awhile later, the three left around the campfire hear a woman scream. This starts the search for who screamed, as well as Bill and  Eli.  Unfortunately Mike continues to bully people, including those in another campsite in the woods.  And when you think you can’t hate Mike any more than you already do, you find out he’s even worse than you thought and you hate him even more.

The movie clocks in at a little more than an hour and has a ton of padding. The ending doesn’t make a lot of sense.  Why does Mike stop the car and get out? He’s supposed to be meeting them at the cabin. What smelled so bad when he got out of the car? He walked into the woods and it didn’t seem like the bodies were close to the road.  How did he happen to find the exact spot where all the bodies were piled?  Also was that Bigfoot?

The Legend of Jack and Jill (2021)

 Aka Jack and Jill

A horror movie based on a nursery rhyme, yet with seemingly no relation to it except a pail and their names.   Our movie opens with a mother dragging a son and daughter up a hill as a man chases them.  She tells them to keep running and never trust anyone, while she goes back to stop the man from harming her children.  Fifteen years later -  oh crap, that’s not a good sign - a woman hiking by herself in the mountains finds a pail and is set upon by people in the woods.

Cut to a group of friends who meet up at a hostel for a weekend hike in an area where there seem to be a lot of missing hikers.  No one is concerned, even after meeting two sisters handing out flyers of their recently missing sister. Away everyone goes into the woods and carnage begins.  

So much nonsense.  Why do soon to be dead hikers find shiny new pails in the wild? Shouldn’t they be rusty or do Jack and Jill have a pail guy? Why do the sisters ask the group to hand out flyers on the trail when they are going hiking themselves?  Why do  the sisters shy away when they hear someone in the woods when it could be their missing sister? Also why does everyone think no one else will be hiking on this trail?   Why does Jill talk like a caveman?  Did she get a head injury during her years in the wild?  Both children spoke correctly when their mother left them in the mountains. They wouldn’t lose the ability to speak just because they only had one other person around. And what’s with actors who have no idea how to fake cry? Or was it supposed to be a panic attack or asthma attack? And when they knew there were killers in the woods, why didn’t they group together to run back to the hostel? It seems it would have been easy to go either up or down that hill so all could be together, rather than go back separately. 

Ridiculous dialogue:

She has to be here. She’s our little sister.

Sister 1 - There’s someone in the woods.

Sister 2 - Don’t let your mind play tricks on you. People go missing in the woods all the time.

No one else would be up, here, would they?

That’s a lot of missing people flyers for one area.

Would you pick up a pail in an area known for missing
people where local legend is about the killer spawn of an
insane woman roaming the hills

It seems like a lot of these films have one really
cool shot in them and the rest is meh.

How could no one have stumbled on them before if
they are living in the cool bunker? Also what a
great place to shoot a movie.