Star Hunter (1996)

When the team bus is full, three bench warmers and two cheerleaders are forced to take the short bus home with the principal, Mrs. March.  They get lost and end up in the bad part of town, where the only pay phone is making a weird buzzing noise. So they decide to look for a building with lights on where someone might have a phone they can use.

Most of the neighborhood seems to be deserted, but in the only lit building they meet Reicher, a blind man who has a collection of weapons on his wall.  He's very hospitable and tells them to get something to eat while he calls a taxi for them.  What they don't know is that he's one of the Star Hunters and they are about to become the game.

Star Hunters work in pairs, where one is the lure and the other the killer. No one shall ask how Reicher got the job as the lure since he is blind and they had to enter his building and shout to get his attention.  The killer wears a suit that looks similar to the Predator but appears to actually be the Saurod costume from Masters of the Universe.

When a couple of the kids find a collection of heads in Reichers bathroom, the game is on.  As they flee for their lives, they find that there is a force field around the neighborhood and their wits are the only thing that will keep them alive. Unfortunatly most of them aren't that bright. But on the plus side, another alien possesses the stoner kid to try to keep everyone safe. Unfortunatly he doesn't do a very good job.

The killer has a suit that can regenerate and repair any injuries to the Star Hunter.  He also has something similar to a large flip phone that he gets reports from the lure. The primitive graphics show the lures face while he quotes the passage of time in keyless - whatever that equals - and tells the killer how many people are left to kill.

The strangest scene in the movie is when two of the kids manage to escape and head to the police station to report that their friends have been murdered. Now I know they are talking about aliens which is stupid, but they're also reporting a murder.  So you'd think the police would take that part seriously enough to investigate. But they're skeptical because no one in the neighborhood has reported anything. Yes, because no one has ever been murdered without multiple people reporting a ruckus.

This is one tedious movie.  The sad thing is that it has Stella Stevens and Roddy McDowell in it. They deserve better.

Santa's Summer House (2012)

A van full of tourists heading to a resort drive through a bank of fog - which apparently was too expensive to reproduce digitally or in real life. The fog disorients the driver and they end up at the mansion of an older couple who offers them cookies and a place to stay for the night.  It seems like that would be the start to a horror movie, but it's actually a Christmas movie.

The older couple asks everyone to call them Nana and Pop. In reality they are Santa and Mrs. Clause and this is their summer home.  The characters staying at their home are a sleazy businessman, two bickering sisters and a disconnected couple with a teenage son.

As their guests act nasty or ignore each other, Santa tries to teach everyone a lesson about appreciating what they have and being supportive of those you love.

Perhaps a child would like this film, but it's really difficult to sit through. If you like to watch people play croquet, then you may enjoy about ten minutes of the film. The mansion will be familiar to anyone who's seen one the 1313 films done by David Decoteau.

The most interesting thing about this film is that there are four former b-movie action stars in the cast, including the most well known, Cynthia Rothrock as Ms. Clause.

The Last Shark (1981)

aka Great White

When a wind surfer disappears and his board is found bitten in half, a writer and a boat captain realize that there is a killer shark in the area. They ask the mayor to close the beaches, but there's a wind surfing regatta coming up. So safety be damned! This town needs tourism and that regatta is going to bring in a ton of money.  Needless to say, when the brightly colored sails are all over the harbor, carnage ensues.

This is a Jaws rip off. From the mayor who won't listen about the danger in the water, to the boat captain just like Quint, or the protagonists children being in the water when the shark makes his appearance. It's all right out of Jaws, but nowhere as good.

Mother Krampus (2017)

aka 12 Deaths of Christmas

When Vanessa's husband leaves her, she goes to stay with her father and brings her daughter Amy with her.  A number of children have recently disappeared from town, but Vanessa doesn't seem worried. Neither does Amy, who is perfectly fine being approached by a dirty woman wearing a black cloak and holding out candy in her filthy hand.  Amy confirms her nonfunctioning brain stem status when she sees the same woman holding a cat outside her home and opens the door, never considering this could be a problem.

Years ago a number of children disappeared from town and were found murdered in the woods.  The parents believed the murderer was a local woman. Taking a page from the Freddy Kreuger origin story, they decide to mete out vigilante justice.   Before they strung her up, the woman cursed them all.  Now that children have started to disappear again, people wonder if the curse is true. Guess what? It is.

If you're expecting a Krampus of any kind, you'll be disappointed because this is a witch who eats children.  But hey, that won't sell it to the Christmas horror crowd, so slap a Krampus on it and it will sell itself.

The most distracting thing about Mother Krampus is that with the cloak over her head and dark areas around her eyes, she reminded me of Brain Guy from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Into the Dark: Pooka (2018)

I hadn't heard of this movie until my friends showed me the trailer.  We all decided we had to watch it as it looked insane.

Wilson moves to Los Angeles to get a fresh start. While at a coffee shop, he spots an ad for an audition. The experience is strange and unnerving. But he gets the job which turns out to be dressing up like a new toy called Pooka.

With this new job, Wilson's life seems to turn around. He starts dating a woman that he really likes and bonds with her son.  Pooka is a hit and children love him.

But there is a dark side.  He becomes way too attached to the Pooka suit and starts wearing it when he's not working.  Sometimes Pooka seems to do things on his own, when Wilson isn't even around.  And most disturbingly, Wilson seems to be losing track of time and seems easily angered.

This is really good and while I enjoyed it, I wasn't so keen on the ending.  But I would definitely recommend it.  There's some good humor and some really creepy scenes. Plus I love that Pooka's eyes appear to be made of car headlights.  Currently it's only available on Hulu.

Krampus Unleashed (2016)

The film opens in the late 1800s where a group of treasure hunters looking for gold unearths a box with a strange rock. Messing with the rock awakens Krampus and carnage ensues.

After Krampus sends them to their maker, we quickly cut to present day where a family is going to visit grandma and grandpa for Christmas.  Unfortunately they live in Arizona so  there's no Christmas to be had except for a few lights.

Grandma and grandpa seems nice, but their kids have grown up differently. One is kind and has a nice family. The other is condescending and has a jerk family.    The males in the family go out to pan for gold down at the creek, and end up finding an interesting rock.  And once again, some poor idiots have awakened the Krampus.

Watch for the worst 911 operator in the world. Someone calls for help after their boyfriend is murdered.  She relays this info to the cops as if the woman said she's seen a bigfoot in her back yard.

Also check out the heads mounted on the wall in the living room. While listening to Grandpa tell his grandson about hunting them, you'll notice something odd about the heads on the wall.  They're all  obviously plastic.  Hilarity ensues.

This is low budget and not very entertaining. Half the characters are totally unlikeable and you'll keep wishing some would get punched in the throat.  Also people seem to be getting sunburned in this movie. Either that or their color is off because their heads are way too red for it to be natural.

The most annoying thing about this film is that it opens with an off key version of Let It Snow.  The  vocals are in a completely different key than the music. How did this happen? Were the people who made it tone deaf? It's mind bogglingly uncomfortable to hear.

Slice (2018)

Pizza delivery guys are being murdered in a city where ghosts and people live together in an uneasy truce. One of the main suspects is a werewolf on a scooter who used to deliver chinese takeout, and the pizza place in town might be a portal to hell. With a premise such as that you'd think this would be great. But it's not.

This is one of those films where the comedy falls so flat that you find yourself asking your friends, "Okay, that line was supposed to be funny, right? Because it feels like that's how they intended it, but none of us are laughing."  Is it the delivery, the writing, the tone of the film, or all of the above? There are almost no laughs to be had, which is a shame since Paul Sheer is in this film. He's the best part of this, but even he can't save this one.

Puppet Master: the Littlest Reich (2018)

In this reboot of the puppet master franchise, comic book store worker Edgar has to move in with his parents after a messy divorce.  When he finds a creepy doll in a box in his brothers room, Edgar figures out it may have value since it was made by Andre Toulon, a creepy Nazi whose dolls murdered people.

Edgar, along with girlfriend Ashley and his boss Markowitz, head to a hotel where there is a Toulon Murder convention. He's hoping to make some money by selling the doll at auction.

With a hotel full of guests with Toulon puppets to sell, things go horribly wrong. Puppets start disappearing and people start dying.  The police are called in and aren't much help. But to be fair, how do you train to fight murderous Nazi puppets.

I'm not a fan of the Puppet Master franchise and was hesitant when a friend wanted to watch this. But it has Thomas Lennon. Barbara Crampton, and Michael Pare in it, so those are positives.  Surprisingly I enjoyed this more than the other films. People who are fans of the previous Puppet Master films will probably have an issue with this since they've made Toulon a Nazi. Also the puppets don't have personalities. They are just little killing machines and they target any group that Nazis dislike.

It seems like there may have been big hunks of the script edited out because there are things that just come out of nowhere or go nowhere. An example is the relationship between Edgar and Ashley.  She's the younger sister of someone he grew up with and hasn't seen him in years. They take a short walk together and catch up. Next thing you know she comes into the comic book shop and kisses him. Wait, are they dating? When'd that happen?  How'd that happen?

When they go to the convention, they've upgraded from dating to being a couple and even say they love each other. WHAT?!? What is going on? How much time has passed since they met? Are they horribly codependent? Or has a long period of time passed and the movie hasn't let us in on this?  It's completely confusing.

Also there is never an explanation of what happened to Edgar's brother. Based on the photos in his room, the brother died when he was in high school. Edgar mentions his brother died in an accident, but there's no context and it's never mentioned again. I thought for sure that was going to have some significance later in the film. Or did I miss something? I did drift off a bit at one point.

The end of the film could stand on it's own, but there is a to be continued in the last scene. I'd watch the next one based on this.

Gonjiam Haunted Asylum (2018)

A paranormal investigation team that has a YouTube channel called Horror Times decides to investigate Gonjiam Asylum, which is on CNN's list of seven freakiest places in the world.  They have a contest to pick a few other young people to join them on their investigation.  They are planning on broadcasting their exploration live and want to hit 300,000 viewers to make it a very profitable venture.

They sneak onto the grounds of the abandoned asylum and set up a tent as home base.  Ha-joon is in charge so he stays in the tent to make sure the transmission is going okay and to monitor the number of viewers.  The others go in and investigate.

The investigation starts slow but things build as the night goes on.  The climax of the investigation is going to be opening room 402 which has been closed for years. Many people have tried to open it, but none have succeeded.  The movie opens with a couple of teenage boys who taped themselves trying to get in. The footage was found after they disappeared.

There's nothing new about this, but it's not bad. It's a slow burn so don't expect constant scares.

I was worried about the camera work because many found footage films make me nauseous but you need to keep watching because there are subtitles. So what the hell am I going to do if I start feeling sick?  Thankfully once they started exploring, the camerawork straightened out.  This is something that more found footage films should realize. Just because you can shake the camera around like an idiot, doesn't mean you should do it.

It Came From the Desert (2017)

Motocross winner Lukas, his mechanic Brian, and their friend Lisa head out into the desert for a kegger to celebrate Lukas winning a big race.  Brian has a crush on Lisa, but doesn't have the confidence to let her know.  After he sees a motocross racer hits on her, he feels like he's blown his chance and wanders off from the party.

When Lukas finds him, they discover a nearby tunnel in the bottom of a canyon and head down to check it out. They end up at a recently abandoned military base and decide to explore.

Brian wants to err on the side of caution, but thrill seeker Lukas keeps exploring so Brian goes along with him.  Soon they are trapped in the underground building by giant ants and more ants are on the loose heading towards the party.

While not anything special, it's fun enough to watch.  There are stupid decisions made, but you don't hate the main characters and Lisa is smarter than a lot of female characters.

Lavalatula (2015)

I've never been a Steve Guttenberg fan, and this movie doesn't change that. Guttenberg is action star Colton West who leaves the set of his latest film when he gets in an argument with the director.  Colton is stuck in traffic on the freeway when there is an earthquake which unleashes tarantulas that spit lava. Hooray!

When he gets home, his wife tells him that his son has gone into the city.  Colton tells his wife to get to safety and goes to search for his son.  With the family split up, we've got three different stories to follow as they all try to survive the lava spiders.

This is essentially Sharknado with lava filled spiders, except it's not as interesting.  I do like movies with a combination of ridiculous things, but Guttenberg is not the best choice for a leading man. Nia Peeples would have been a better choice for the lead.

WNUF Halloween Special (2013)

Presented as a home video recording of the October 31, 1987 Halloween broadcast by tv channel WNUF, the movie starts with a local news show, complete with anchors in Halloween costumes, segments on Halloween safety, and sporadic reports from reporter Frank Stewart.  Stewart is going to be doing a live broadcast later on from the Webber Mansion. The home has been empty since the Webbers were murdered by their son, who claimed a demonic presence made him kill after he accidentally contacted the entity through a ouija board.

Joining Stewart are a husband and wife team of paranormal investigators, as well as a priest.   The group sets up inside the mansion and conducts a seance where viewers can call in and ask questions. As expected, they get a number of prank calls. My favorite was the one where someone screams, "Iron Maiden rules! White Lion sucks!" where I misheard the first part as, "I'm eating rolls!"

Things go wrong during the seance and there seems to be a malevolent presence in the house. The whole thing seems to be spiraling out of control when Frank and the priest get locked in the basement by someone or something unknown. I don't want to give too any details about what happens after this in case you plan on watching it.

The faux local commercials are spot on and so are the cringeworthy jokes and banter between the anchors.  I absolutely loved the commercial for an 80s hair metal compilation. They've done a fantastic job of making it look like it was actually a tape of an 80s broadcast. In fact, if I had found a VHS of this at a flea market and it had a hand written label, I would have thought it was authentic until I saw how the movie ended.

The film was actually copied multiple times from VHS to VHS to give it the authentic feel of a generated bootleg tape.  As a former tape trader,  the fuzzy video brought me back to the time where I obsessively traded tapes and would have traded for something like this.

What I didn't like was that the first half hour is the local news.  Sure it's spot on, but it wasn't that interesting and we almost bailed on watching the rest since nothing was really happening.  And while I liked the commercials, there were too many of them and sometimes it was frustrating.  It seemed like some of them repeated also.

Overall an effective and fun throwback, but unfortunately they will probably lose a lot of viewers during the opening half hour newscast since they've done such a good job that it's actually like watching some random towns local news.

Killer Fish (1979)

A group of jewel thieves blow up a factory to distract authorities from their heist. Since they know police will be searching anyone they meet in the area, the group throws the loot in a reservoir to avoid being caught. Unbeknownst to them, the mastermind behind the jewel heist has filled the lake with piranhas so that no one can sneak back to double cross him and grab the jewels.

In a side plot, a model and her photographer arrive for a photo shoot and end up cavorting with one of the jewel thieves. Through a serious of coincidences, everyone ends up stuck on a marooned ship in the piranha filled reservoir. Close enough to shore to be enticing, terrified enough of the piranhas to think twice about swimming for it. You'd think they'd band together to try to survive, but there's always some jag off who is only in it for himself. Piranha carnage ensues.

I've wanted to see this for a long time since it's about deadly fish and it stars Lee Majors, but it's not very good.  You're much better off watching Piranha. 

Initiation: Silent Night, Deadly Night 4 (1990)

Kim has a new job working at a newspaper.  When she hears about a woman who may have spontaneously combusted when she fell off a building, Kim decides to do a story on it.  The problem is that Kim is a classified ad writer, and she doesn't seem to understand that just because you have an idea, doesn't mean you get to run with it if you're not hired to do that job.

Kim gets mad at her reporter boyfriend Hank when he is assigned the story she wanted.  But nothing is going to keep our intrepid classified ad writer from doing that story.

While investigating, she wanders into a bookstore near the death scene and buys a book on spontaneous combustion. The bookstore owner Fima gives her a free book, invites her to a picnic, and offers her a bowl of dates.  Kim partakes of this free food because she hasn't eaten lunch, while I'm left wondering why a bookstore would be offering bowls of food to it's patrons.

Since I happened to be watching the movie with a friend who owns a bookstore, I asked her if she would start offering dates to her customers. She looked at me like I was crazy and said "Of course not. They're sticky."  So there you have it. If a bookstore offers you dates, be incredibly suspicious.

The next day, Kim goes to the picnic and ends up sitting on a blanket with Fima and two other women. It's really weird and Kim is way too blasé about this intimate little event.  She falls asleep on their blanket and then Hank shows up unexpectedly because she should be at work.

As the bookstore women get more involved in Kim's life, she seems to get more and more crazy. And the viewer is left wondering what this has to do with Christmas or the Silent Night, Deadly Night franchise. The answer is nothing. This is about witches and because there are a couple scenes with Christmas trees, they've slapped this title on it because that is how to get people to watch it. It worked  on us.

The worst thing about this movie is there is no joy to it.  It's just plain gross and you'll feel icky when it ends.  You'll wish you hadn't watched it because it's not fun at all.

Trucker's Woman (1975)

Holy crap.  This movie is ridiculous.  After his father is killed in an accident, Mike Kelly drops out of college to become a truck driver.  He believes his fathers death wasn't an accident and wants to figure out who was behind it.

Mike teams up with mumbling old timer Ben to keep an eye on what is going on at the trucking company and to have meetings with other truckers.  If you're not paying close enough attention, you'll think Mike and Ben are have gone to an AA meeting because there's folding chairs and a podium.

When he meets Karen at a bar, Mike tries to follow her when she leaves. Then he becomes super creepy and shows up at her motel room.  When she asks him to leave, he hides outside the door until she opens it to check to make sure she's gone.  Ahhh, the 70s... where men could be rape-y and women would fall for their supposed charm.

Things go from bad to worse.  Mike is framed for having drugs in his truck. He discovers there is definitely corruption in the trucking industry and gangsters show up at inopportune times. Mike becomes a police informant and discovers Karen's father isn't a great guy. No one seems to notice that Karen appears to be wearing a bad wig.

Mike is played by Michael Hawkins who turns out to be Christian Slaters father.  Mechanic Diesel Joe is played by Larry Drake who later played Dr. Giggles.  Ben is played by Doodles Weaver.

Mike had to drop out of college because his father died.
Poor guy. He's just a kid

Check Your Spelling, Movie

Are they bad spellers or did someone just make a typo?  Either way, it makes for amusement when it's on a DVD menu forever.

Dark Heritage title screen 

It's a Blooper Reel, not real (from The Stitcher)

The Gracefield Incident (2017)

Months after a car crash in which Matthew loses an eye and his wife loses their baby, they decide to spend the weekend at Matthew's bosses cabin in the woods. They invite two other couples and plan to have a fun weekend at the luxurious cabin in the middle of nowhere.  Matthew makes a fake eye and places a camera in it so he can record the whole weekend. Why? I don't know. How does he keep the camera running and how does he charge the battery? No idea.

The first night, a bright light streaks through the sky and a meteor lands in the woods.  Matthew and his friend go out to wander the woods and find where it hit.  There is a hole in the ground that Matthew sticks his hand into to see what made it.  Matthew is an idiot.  No good can ever come from this.  

Soon after he pulls a mystery blob of what looks like rock from the hole, a creature starts stalking them.  They decided not to tell the girls that there is something out there as they don't want them to panic. Because it's so much better to have something dangerous near you that you're totally unaware of, right? Am I right?

Things go from bad to worse as this creature doesn't seem to conform to the same gravity and time that humans do. There is talk that perhaps the creature is Bigfoot since his boss mentioned Bigfoot sightings in the area. But it's ridiculous based on the creatures movements and size.

Most of the video is shot from the point of Matthews eyeball. If you are prone to motion sickness, you'll hate the filmmaker for this.  I wish people who shoot point of view videos understood the impact of watching a film that literally makes you feel like you're going to puke.  It's only going to make your movie less likable. 

Also stop Blair Witching it. We don't need another movie where someone stands there not moving with their back to the camera, while someone tentatively shouts their name.  Yes, we get it. Something is terribly wrong.

Tales from the Hood 2 (2018)

A horror anthology with a wrap around story about a rich,  white, racist, sexist, jerk named Dumass Beach who invents the Robo-Patriot - a robot that can police the populace and hand down sentences to those who commit crimes.  Beach hires Portifoy Simms to tell the robot stories about human behavior. Then the robot can use these tales to build a profile of unacceptable behavior and punish those who go past that line.

Here is a synopsis of each tale:

Good Golly - Two college friends, one white and one black, go to a museum of racist artifacts where they see a doll called a golliwog.  The white girl has a collection of the dolls and doesn't see them as racist since they were part of her childhood. After failing to get the proprietor to sell it to her, she comes back after dark to break in and steal it. Things go horribly wrong.

The Medium - After thugs accidentally kill a pimp while attempting to find out where he keeps his money, they kidnap a famous psychic in an effort to contact the pimp in the afterlife. As you can imagine, thing go horribly wrong.

Date Night - Two clean cut date rapists use a dating app to find two females and then roofie them while at the women's house. Thankfully things go horribly wrong.

The Sacrifice - a black politician is subservient to a white politician and is not true to himself in a bid to get more power.  His pregnant white wife keeps seeing a boy who she says wants to take their baby. The real story of Emmett Till is part of this morality play, and other tragic real deaths are referenced to hit home the point.

I'm not sure how it would affect anyone if they are not familiar with Emmett Till. But if you are familiar with history, then this story will suck the air out of the room. There were three of us watching the movie and when it ended, we were all silent and depressed. So if they were trying to make an impact, point accomplished. I'm just not sure if will impact those who don't know that Emmett Till was a real person who was brutally murdered. Also many people watch horror movies as a fun escape which this segment is not.

Keith David is awesome, as he is in almost everything. He's a lot of fun to watch. And of course you know that Beach is going to get what's coming to him, since he has no redeemable qualities.

One thing that drove us all nuts was that in Date Night, you actually have to watch four people play two rounds of Cards Against Humanity. This is annoying on it's own because who wants to watch someone play cards? But even more so because they keep track of who plays which card. That's not how you play it, people.


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Ghostwitch (2015)

When Nerd Zeke and his computer go to a cool kids pool party, they get thrown in the pool.  Zeke is rescued by Mattie, sister of the parties host. Since his computer is ruined, she offers him her computer and they discover they both are interested in the paranormal.

Zeke is part of a paranormal group called G.H.O.S.T. (we're never filled in on what this stands for). Mattie asks if he'll investigate an old house her family owns. She had an experience there as a child and there are legends that it is haunted.

Zeke, Mattie, and the team arrive at the home and find there is no dust or cobwebs, and the floors are super clean. It looks like someone lives there but nope, it's abandoned.

The characters do things that make no sense.  When their friend disappears, they wonder if they should call the police but decide not to because they don't want to call the locals attention to the house.  But they'd already been to the local diner and asked the waitress about the legend and the house. When she warned them about it, they scoffed at her. So yeah, the locals are already on to you, and they don't like you - especially since you ordered breakfast and then left before your order came and never notified your waitress.

Later someone knocks on the door of the home and they are afraid. They decide to be quiet so whoever is outside will go away. First of all, the lights are on in the abandoned house and it's night - they can see you. Second, they can hear you. Third, you're there with a girl whose family owns the building. So why are you afraid? If this scares you, are you going to be able to handle seeing a ghost?

This is the only paranormal team with a member who complains about investigating a house that might actually be haunted. She is angry that so many things are happening that she can't explain. Isn't that why you ghost hunt? To find some sort of proof that ghosts exist?  Why is this girl on the team? She's unnecessarily aggressive, accusatory, angry and other unflattering things that start with the letter A.

Skip this one as there is nothing new to see here. Move along.


Stupid dialogue about ghost hunting at a home known to be haunted

"She brought us here to investigate some house that she already thought was haunted and miraculously all these unexplainable things start happening. Coincidence? I think not.  It's probably not even real." - paranormal investigator that doesn't seem to grasp that unexplainable things happening can be classified as paranormal

The Revenge of Robert (2018)

Holy crap, why did I watch this. I wish I had remembered that I barely got through the first movie, Robert. Since sequels are never as good as the original, it's a good idea to pass when the first flick was crap.

The first forty minutes of the film are focused on two people who appear to be the main characters, but disappear half way through the film. Be prepared to wait to see the dolls since they don't show up until then.  One of those dolls is a clown whose make up is just like John Wayne Gacy's, which is creepy in a gross way, rather than a scary way. Also creepy? That I recognized the make up.

The puppet master is obviously wearing old man make up. He's an old man in the 1940s and yet still alive in present day.  Everyone has a bad german accent, and there are no likable characters in the movie.

This takes place during World War II. Nazi's want to kill the toymaker and the Allies want to protect him.  At one point, they end up on a train. It's a finite space, yet the Nazi assassin can't find the toymaker.  What an idiot.  Also one of the Nazi's has a hat that is too big for him which is really distracting because it waggles when he moves his head.

I ended up fast forwarding through some of it to see if anything interesting was going to happen. It doesn't.  If you're looking for Nazi's and puppets, you'd be much better off watching one of the Puppetmaster movies.  Avoid Robert at all costs.