Saturday, February 8, 2014

Deathstalker (1983)

Deathstalker roams the land, molesting women and killing people, lots of people - and he's the hero. But don't look to this big, square jawed, muscular blond jerk to do the right thing, because Deathstalker is the worst hero ever.

After saving a girl from a kidnapper, Deathstalker turns to the girl, cuts her bonds.... and takes off her top.  Say what now?  As he's having his way with her, a stranger interrupts him.  While Deathstalker asks to be left to finish his tryst, the girl slips away, leaving Deathstalker to complain about how it's not his day.

When he meets a disposed king whose daughter has been kidnapped by the wizard Munkar, the kings asks him if he will save his daughter.  But Deathstalker can't be bothered. However he becomes interested in Munkar's castle after an old witch tells says if he collects three different objects (one of which is at the castle) he will have mystical powers. Oh yeah, suddenly Deathstalker is all in.

While on the way he meets Oghris, a floppy haired hunk in a metal crop top, and Kiara, a female warrior who wears a cape and bikini bottom. Yup, that's all she wears and Deathstalker's digging it, especially since the cape usually reveals her toplessness.  In fact he's so enthralled that when she falls asleep, he takes the opportunity to have his way with her. Good god Deathstalker, why so rape-y?

In the morning, Deathstalker joins them since they are headed to Munkar's for a tournament of warriors.   Deathstalker is a warrior with a giant magical sword and the other items he seeks are at the castle.  This leads to a castle full of big meals, lots of nudity, mud wrestling,  muscular semi-clothed men, and a large pig man who eats a pig (which just seems wrong).  Plus a hilarious scene where Deathstalker holds his sword in relation to his body so that it appears that he's holding his giant, red, glowing wang.

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