Raptor (2001)

When three kids in a jeep are slaughtered, Sheriff Jim Tanner calls in animal control officer Barbara Phillips. Phillips wears a confusing outfit with a shirt that is half unbuttoned and has a patch on the arm that seems to be military rather than animal control.  She's not sure what type of animal killed the kids, so they head off to think about what it could have been.

Meanwhile at the old factory across town, Dr. Hyde is berating his employees for letting one of their raptors escape.  Until 12 years ago when there was an incident, Hyde was funded by the US military. Now he's receiving help from Pakistan, for what ends I have no idea. Is the country going to wage war using dinosaurs? Who knows. It's never clear.

Tanner has a rule that no one in the Sheriffs office should ever go on a call without back up. Yet everyone does and it always ends badly.  This leads to Tanner and Phillips being taken prisoner when they go to investigate the factory.  Unfortunately for them, this is also the time that the US military decides to go in and destroy the factory to cover up what Hyde has been doing as they don't want any leaks that reveal they used to fund him. Hilarity ensues. No, no it doesn't.

Actually it's pretty boring overall. When I was looking for into on the movie, I read that footage from other Roger Corman movies was used in this one, which would explain a lot about why this feels so disjointed.

 I wonder how real marines feel when they watch movies like this where marines are called in and they are total dolts.  It must be really frustrating.  Although there is a hilarious scene in which the marines are being given instructions on their mission that are so vague they have no idea what they are seeking.  So we take out the genetically engineered thing that is dangerous? But what is it?

Uncle Sam (1996)

Three years after being shot down over Kuwait, the body of Jody's Uncle Sam is returned home for burial.  Jody is a patriotic kid who idolizes his uncle, even though his mother does not share this fondness and is unnerved by memories of her violent brother Sam.

Oddly enough the family follows the old time practice of putting the body in the living room of their house for viewing, rather than in a funeral parlor.  The first night, Sam rises from his coffin, goes outside, and kills a guy on stilts in an Uncle Sam costume who was peeping in windows looking at girls.  Peeping is not patriotic.

The next day everyone heads to the fourth of July festival downtown, including Sam.  He's going to make people pay for their disrespect.

There's nothing special about this, except that off the top of my head I can't think of anther fourth of July horror movie.

Octopus 2: River of Fear (2001)

Something is killing people in New York harbor.  The police don't have any clues. Nick sees an empty liquor bottle near the pier and decides that someone must have witnessed the deaths.  No one shall ask why that couldn't be trash from earlier in the day.

Nick and his partner go into the subterranean tunnels under the city and find a man who claims the killer was an octopus. But that's ridiculous and he's drunk, so they leave it alone.

Meanwhile the mayor wants to know how close they are to solving the murders because thousands of people will be coming to the city for independence day.  We can't have those pesky murders ruining peoples holiday.

After doing some questionable research, Nick decides an octopus could actually be the culprit.  Nick's octopus theory makes him the butt of jokes throughout the precinct and even his partner thinks he's nuts.  Well, until he gets caught by the octopus at the next diving job and it crushes the life out of him.

Now that Nick's seen it with his own eyes, he tries to get Rachel from the mayors office to do something to protect the tourists coming to town.  But the mayor doesn't care, and Rachel gives up knowing that she's not getting anywhere if she's telling him a giant octopus is going to ruin the celebration.  So she does the only think she knows how to do - she takes a short bus full of handicapped kids into the city through an underground tunnel. Good god Rachel!  What were you thinking? There's a killer octopus on the loose!

While this isn't that great a movie, it's kind of fun.  Watch for the old woman who drives into the tunnel ahead of the short bus.  She's like a character right out of SCTV, with Andrea Martin playing the role to comedic perfection.

Star Hunter (1996)

When the team bus is full, three bench warmers and two cheerleaders are forced to take the short bus home with the principal, Mrs. March.  They get lost and end up in the bad part of town, where the only pay phone is making a weird buzzing noise. So they decide to look for a building with lights on where someone might have a phone they can use.

Most of the neighborhood seems to be deserted, but in the only lit building they meet Reicher, a blind man who has a collection of weapons on his wall.  He's very hospitable and tells them to get something to eat while he calls a taxi for them.  What they don't know is that he's one of the Star Hunters and they are about to become the game.

Star Hunters work in pairs, where one is the lure and the other the killer. No one shall ask how Reicher got the job as the lure since he is blind and they had to enter his building and shout to get his attention.  The killer wears a suit that looks similar to the Predator but appears to actually be the Saurod costume from Masters of the Universe.

When a couple of the kids find a collection of heads in Reichers bathroom, the game is on.  As they flee for their lives, they find that there is a force field around the neighborhood and their wits are the only thing that will keep them alive. Unfortunatly most of them aren't that bright. But on the plus side, another alien possesses the stoner kid to try to keep everyone safe. Unfortunatly he doesn't do a very good job.

The killer has a suit that can regenerate and repair any injuries to the Star Hunter.  He also has something similar to a large flip phone that he gets reports from the lure. The primitive graphics show the lures face while he quotes the passage of time in keyless - whatever that equals - and tells the killer how many people are left to kill.

The strangest scene in the movie is when two of the kids manage to escape and head to the police station to report that their friends have been murdered. Now I know they are talking about aliens which is stupid, but they're also reporting a murder.  So you'd think the police would take that part seriously enough to investigate. But they're skeptical because no one in the neighborhood has reported anything. Yes, because no one has ever been murdered without multiple people reporting a ruckus.

This is one tedious movie.  The sad thing is that it has Stella Stevens and Roddy McDowell in it. They deserve better.

Santa's Summer House (2012)

A van full of tourists heading to a resort drive through a bank of fog - which apparently was too expensive to reproduce digitally or in real life. The fog disorients the driver and they end up at the mansion of an older couple who offers them cookies and a place to stay for the night.  It seems like that would be the start to a horror movie, but it's actually a Christmas movie.

The older couple asks everyone to call them Nana and Pop. In reality they are Santa and Mrs. Clause and this is their summer home.  The characters staying at their home are a sleazy businessman, two bickering sisters and a disconnected couple with a teenage son.

As their guests act nasty or ignore each other, Santa tries to teach everyone a lesson about appreciating what they have and being supportive of those you love.

Perhaps a child would like this film, but it's really difficult to sit through. If you like to watch people play croquet, then you may enjoy about ten minutes of the film. The mansion will be familiar to anyone who's seen one the 1313 films done by David Decoteau.

The most interesting thing about this film is that there are four former b-movie action stars in the cast, including the most well known, Cynthia Rothrock as Ms. Clause.

The Last Shark (1981)

aka Great White

When a wind surfer disappears and his board is found bitten in half, a writer and a boat captain realize that there is a killer shark in the area. They ask the mayor to close the beaches, but there's a wind surfing regatta coming up. So safety be damned! This town needs tourism and that regatta is going to bring in a ton of money.  Needless to say, when the brightly colored sails are all over the harbor, carnage ensues.

This is a Jaws rip off. From the mayor who won't listen about the danger in the water, to the boat captain just like Quint, or the protagonists children being in the water when the shark makes his appearance. It's all right out of Jaws, but nowhere as good.

Mother Krampus (2017)

aka 12 Deaths of Christmas

When Vanessa's husband leaves her, she goes to stay with her father and brings her daughter Amy with her.  A number of children have recently disappeared from town, but Vanessa doesn't seem worried. Neither does Amy, who is perfectly fine being approached by a dirty woman wearing a black cloak and holding out candy in her filthy hand.  Amy confirms her nonfunctioning brain stem status when she sees the same woman holding a cat outside her home and opens the door, never considering this could be a problem.

Years ago a number of children disappeared from town and were found murdered in the woods.  The parents believed the murderer was a local woman. Taking a page from the Freddy Kreuger origin story, they decide to mete out vigilante justice.   Before they strung her up, the woman cursed them all.  Now that children have started to disappear again, people wonder if the curse is true. Guess what? It is.

If you're expecting a Krampus of any kind, you'll be disappointed because this is a witch who eats children.  But hey, that won't sell it to the Christmas horror crowd, so slap a Krampus on it and it will sell itself.

The most distracting thing about Mother Krampus is that with the cloak over her head and dark areas around her eyes, she reminded me of Brain Guy from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Into the Dark: Pooka (2018)

I hadn't heard of this movie until my friends showed me the trailer.  We all decided we had to watch it as it looked insane.

Wilson moves to Los Angeles to get a fresh start. While at a coffee shop, he spots an ad for an audition. The experience is strange and unnerving. But he gets the job which turns out to be dressing up like a new toy called Pooka.

With this new job, Wilson's life seems to turn around. He starts dating a woman that he really likes and bonds with her son.  Pooka is a hit and children love him.

But there is a dark side.  He becomes way too attached to the Pooka suit and starts wearing it when he's not working.  Sometimes Pooka seems to do things on his own, when Wilson isn't even around.  And most disturbingly, Wilson seems to be losing track of time and seems easily angered.

This is really good and while I enjoyed it, I wasn't so keen on the ending.  But I would definitely recommend it.  There's some good humor and some really creepy scenes. Plus I love that Pooka's eyes appear to be made of car headlights.  Currently it's only available on Hulu.

Krampus Unleashed (2016)

The film opens in the late 1800s where a group of treasure hunters looking for gold unearths a box with a strange rock. Messing with the rock awakens Krampus and carnage ensues.

After Krampus sends them to their maker, we quickly cut to present day where a family is going to visit grandma and grandpa for Christmas.  Unfortunately they live in Arizona so  there's no Christmas to be had except for a few lights.

Grandma and grandpa seems nice, but their kids have grown up differently. One is kind and has a nice family. The other is condescending and has a jerk family.    The males in the family go out to pan for gold down at the creek, and end up finding an interesting rock.  And once again, some poor idiots have awakened the Krampus.

Watch for the worst 911 operator in the world. Someone calls for help after their boyfriend is murdered.  She relays this info to the cops as if the woman said she's seen a bigfoot in her back yard.

Also check out the heads mounted on the wall in the living room. While listening to Grandpa tell his grandson about hunting them, you'll notice something odd about the heads on the wall.  They're all  obviously plastic.  Hilarity ensues.

This is low budget and not very entertaining. Half the characters are totally unlikeable and you'll keep wishing some would get punched in the throat.  Also people seem to be getting sunburned in this movie. Either that or their color is off because their heads are way too red for it to be natural.

The most annoying thing about this film is that it opens with an off key version of Let It Snow.  The  vocals are in a completely different key than the music. How did this happen? Were the people who made it tone deaf? It's mind bogglingly uncomfortable to hear.

Slice (2018)

Pizza delivery guys are being murdered in a city where ghosts and people live together in an uneasy truce. One of the main suspects is a werewolf on a scooter who used to deliver chinese takeout, and the pizza place in town might be a portal to hell. With a premise such as that you'd think this would be great. But it's not.

This is one of those films where the comedy falls so flat that you find yourself asking your friends, "Okay, that line was supposed to be funny, right? Because it feels like that's how they intended it, but none of us are laughing."  Is it the delivery, the writing, the tone of the film, or all of the above? There are almost no laughs to be had, which is a shame since Paul Sheer is in this film. He's the best part of this, but even he can't save this one.

Puppet Master: the Littlest Reich (2018)

In this reboot of the puppet master franchise, comic book store worker Edgar has to move in with his parents after a messy divorce.  When he finds a creepy doll in a box in his brothers room, Edgar figures out it may have value since it was made by Andre Toulon, a creepy Nazi whose dolls murdered people.

Edgar, along with girlfriend Ashley and his boss Markowitz, head to a hotel where there is a Toulon Murder convention. He's hoping to make some money by selling the doll at auction.

With a hotel full of guests with Toulon puppets to sell, things go horribly wrong. Puppets start disappearing and people start dying.  The police are called in and aren't much help. But to be fair, how do you train to fight murderous Nazi puppets.

I'm not a fan of the Puppet Master franchise and was hesitant when a friend wanted to watch this. But it has Thomas Lennon. Barbara Crampton, and Michael Pare in it, so those are positives.  Surprisingly I enjoyed this more than the other films. People who are fans of the previous Puppet Master films will probably have an issue with this since they've made Toulon a Nazi. Also the puppets don't have personalities. They are just little killing machines and they target any group that Nazis dislike.

It seems like there may have been big hunks of the script edited out because there are things that just come out of nowhere or go nowhere. An example is the relationship between Edgar and Ashley.  She's the younger sister of someone he grew up with and hasn't seen him in years. They take a short walk together and catch up. Next thing you know she comes into the comic book shop and kisses him. Wait, are they dating? When'd that happen?  How'd that happen?

When they go to the convention, they've upgraded from dating to being a couple and even say they love each other. WHAT?!? What is going on? How much time has passed since they met? Are they horribly codependent? Or has a long period of time passed and the movie hasn't let us in on this?  It's completely confusing.

Also there is never an explanation of what happened to Edgar's brother. Based on the photos in his room, the brother died when he was in high school. Edgar mentions his brother died in an accident, but there's no context and it's never mentioned again. I thought for sure that was going to have some significance later in the film. Or did I miss something? I did drift off a bit at one point.

The end of the film could stand on it's own, but there is a to be continued in the last scene. I'd watch the next one based on this.

Gonjiam Haunted Asylum (2018)

A paranormal investigation team that has a YouTube channel called Horror Times decides to investigate Gonjiam Asylum, which is on CNN's list of seven freakiest places in the world.  They have a contest to pick a few other young people to join them on their investigation.  They are planning on broadcasting their exploration live and want to hit 300,000 viewers to make it a very profitable venture.

They sneak onto the grounds of the abandoned asylum and set up a tent as home base.  Ha-joon is in charge so he stays in the tent to make sure the transmission is going okay and to monitor the number of viewers.  The others go in and investigate.

The investigation starts slow but things build as the night goes on.  The climax of the investigation is going to be opening room 402 which has been closed for years. Many people have tried to open it, but none have succeeded.  The movie opens with a couple of teenage boys who taped themselves trying to get in. The footage was found after they disappeared.

There's nothing new about this, but it's not bad. It's a slow burn so don't expect constant scares.

I was worried about the camera work because many found footage films make me nauseous but you need to keep watching because there are subtitles. So what the hell am I going to do if I start feeling sick?  Thankfully once they started exploring, the camerawork straightened out.  This is something that more found footage films should realize. Just because you can shake the camera around like an idiot, doesn't mean you should do it.

It Came From the Desert (2017)

Motocross winner Lukas, his mechanic Brian, and their friend Lisa head out into the desert for a kegger to celebrate Lukas winning a big race.  Brian has a crush on Lisa, but doesn't have the confidence to let her know.  After he sees a motocross racer hits on her, he feels like he's blown his chance and wanders off from the party.

When Lukas finds him, they discover a nearby tunnel in the bottom of a canyon and head down to check it out. They end up at a recently abandoned military base and decide to explore.

Brian wants to err on the side of caution, but thrill seeker Lukas keeps exploring so Brian goes along with him.  Soon they are trapped in the underground building by giant ants and more ants are on the loose heading towards the party.

While not anything special, it's fun enough to watch.  There are stupid decisions made, but you don't hate the main characters and Lisa is smarter than a lot of female characters.

Lavalatula (2015)

I've never been a Steve Guttenberg fan, and this movie doesn't change that. Guttenberg is action star Colton West who leaves the set of his latest film when he gets in an argument with the director.  Colton is stuck in traffic on the freeway when there is an earthquake which unleashes tarantulas that spit lava. Hooray!

When he gets home, his wife tells him that his son has gone into the city.  Colton tells his wife to get to safety and goes to search for his son.  With the family split up, we've got three different stories to follow as they all try to survive the lava spiders.

This is essentially Sharknado with lava filled spiders, except it's not as interesting.  I do like movies with a combination of ridiculous things, but Guttenberg is not the best choice for a leading man. Nia Peeples would have been a better choice for the lead.

WNUF Halloween Special (2013)

Presented as a home video recording of the October 31, 1987 Halloween broadcast by tv channel WNUF, the movie starts with a local news show, complete with anchors in Halloween costumes, segments on Halloween safety, and sporadic reports from reporter Frank Stewart.  Stewart is going to be doing a live broadcast later on from the Webber Mansion. The home has been empty since the Webbers were murdered by their son, who claimed a demonic presence made him kill after he accidentally contacted the entity through a ouija board.

Joining Stewart are a husband and wife team of paranormal investigators, as well as a priest.   The group sets up inside the mansion and conducts a seance where viewers can call in and ask questions. As expected, they get a number of prank calls. My favorite was the one where someone screams, "Iron Maiden rules! White Lion sucks!" where I misheard the first part as, "I'm eating rolls!"

Things go wrong during the seance and there seems to be a malevolent presence in the house. The whole thing seems to be spiraling out of control when Frank and the priest get locked in the basement by someone or something unknown. I don't want to give too any details about what happens after this in case you plan on watching it.

The faux local commercials are spot on and so are the cringeworthy jokes and banter between the anchors.  I absolutely loved the commercial for an 80s hair metal compilation. They've done a fantastic job of making it look like it was actually a tape of an 80s broadcast. In fact, if I had found a VHS of this at a flea market and it had a hand written label, I would have thought it was authentic until I saw how the movie ended.

The film was actually copied multiple times from VHS to VHS to give it the authentic feel of a generated bootleg tape.  As a former tape trader,  the fuzzy video brought me back to the time where I obsessively traded tapes and would have traded for something like this.

What I didn't like was that the first half hour is the local news.  Sure it's spot on, but it wasn't that interesting and we almost bailed on watching the rest since nothing was really happening.  And while I liked the commercials, there were too many of them and sometimes it was frustrating.  It seemed like some of them repeated also.

Overall an effective and fun throwback, but unfortunately they will probably lose a lot of viewers during the opening half hour newscast since they've done such a good job that it's actually like watching some random towns local news.

Killer Fish (1979)

A group of jewel thieves blow up a factory to distract authorities from their heist. Since they know police will be searching anyone they meet in the area, the group throws the loot in a reservoir to avoid being caught. Unbeknownst to them, the mastermind behind the jewel heist has filled the lake with piranhas so that no one can sneak back to double cross him and grab the jewels.

In a side plot, a model and her photographer arrive for a photo shoot and end up cavorting with one of the jewel thieves. Through a serious of coincidences, everyone ends up stuck on a marooned ship in the piranha filled reservoir. Close enough to shore to be enticing, terrified enough of the piranhas to think twice about swimming for it. You'd think they'd band together to try to survive, but there's always some jag off who is only in it for himself. Piranha carnage ensues.

I've wanted to see this for a long time since it's about deadly fish and it stars Lee Majors, but it's not very good.  You're much better off watching Piranha. 

Initiation: Silent Night, Deadly Night 4 (1990)

Kim has a new job working at a newspaper.  When she hears about a woman who may have spontaneously combusted when she fell off a building, Kim decides to do a story on it.  The problem is that Kim is a classified ad writer, and she doesn't seem to understand that just because you have an idea, doesn't mean you get to run with it if you're not hired to do that job.

Kim gets mad at her reporter boyfriend Hank when he is assigned the story she wanted.  But nothing is going to keep our intrepid classified ad writer from doing that story.

While investigating, she wanders into a bookstore near the death scene and buys a book on spontaneous combustion. The bookstore owner Fima gives her a free book, invites her to a picnic, and offers her a bowl of dates.  Kim partakes of this free food because she hasn't eaten lunch, while I'm left wondering why a bookstore would be offering bowls of food to it's patrons.

Since I happened to be watching the movie with a friend who owns a bookstore, I asked her if she would start offering dates to her customers. She looked at me like I was crazy and said "Of course not. They're sticky."  So there you have it. If a bookstore offers you dates, be incredibly suspicious.

The next day, Kim goes to the picnic and ends up sitting on a blanket with Fima and two other women. It's really weird and Kim is way too blasé about this intimate little event.  She falls asleep on their blanket and then Hank shows up unexpectedly because she should be at work.

As the bookstore women get more involved in Kim's life, she seems to get more and more crazy. And the viewer is left wondering what this has to do with Christmas or the Silent Night, Deadly Night franchise. The answer is nothing. This is about witches and because there are a couple scenes with Christmas trees, they've slapped this title on it because that is how to get people to watch it. It worked  on us.

The worst thing about this movie is there is no joy to it.  It's just plain gross and you'll feel icky when it ends.  You'll wish you hadn't watched it because it's not fun at all.

Trucker's Woman (1975)

Holy crap.  This movie is ridiculous.  After his father is killed in an accident, Mike Kelly drops out of college to become a truck driver.  He believes his fathers death wasn't an accident and wants to figure out who was behind it.

Mike teams up with mumbling old timer Ben to keep an eye on what is going on at the trucking company and to have meetings with other truckers.  If you're not paying close enough attention, you'll think Mike and Ben are have gone to an AA meeting because there's folding chairs and a podium.

When he meets Karen at a bar, Mike tries to follow her when she leaves. Then he becomes super creepy and shows up at her motel room.  When she asks him to leave, he hides outside the door until she opens it to check to make sure she's gone.  Ahhh, the 70s... where men could be rape-y and women would fall for their supposed charm.

Things go from bad to worse.  Mike is framed for having drugs in his truck. He discovers there is definitely corruption in the trucking industry and gangsters show up at inopportune times. Mike becomes a police informant and discovers Karen's father isn't a great guy. No one seems to notice that Karen appears to be wearing a bad wig.

Mike is played by Michael Hawkins who turns out to be Christian Slaters father.  Mechanic Diesel Joe is played by Larry Drake who later played Dr. Giggles.  Ben is played by Doodles Weaver.

Mike had to drop out of college because his father died.
Poor guy. He's just a kid

Check Your Spelling, Movie

Are they bad spellers or did someone just make a typo?  Either way, it makes for amusement when it's on a DVD menu forever.

Dark Heritage title screen 

It's a Blooper Reel, not real (from The Stitcher)

The Gracefield Incident (2017)

Months after a car crash in which Matthew loses an eye and his wife loses their baby, they decide to spend the weekend at Matthew's bosses cabin in the woods. They invite two other couples and plan to have a fun weekend at the luxurious cabin in the middle of nowhere.  Matthew makes a fake eye and places a camera in it so he can record the whole weekend. Why? I don't know. How does he keep the camera running and how does he charge the battery? No idea.

The first night, a bright light streaks through the sky and a meteor lands in the woods.  Matthew and his friend go out to wander the woods and find where it hit.  There is a hole in the ground that Matthew sticks his hand into to see what made it.  Matthew is an idiot.  No good can ever come from this.  

Soon after he pulls a mystery blob of what looks like rock from the hole, a creature starts stalking them.  They decided not to tell the girls that there is something out there as they don't want them to panic. Because it's so much better to have something dangerous near you that you're totally unaware of, right? Am I right?

Things go from bad to worse as this creature doesn't seem to conform to the same gravity and time that humans do. There is talk that perhaps the creature is Bigfoot since his boss mentioned Bigfoot sightings in the area. But it's ridiculous based on the creatures movements and size.

Most of the video is shot from the point of Matthews eyeball. If you are prone to motion sickness, you'll hate the filmmaker for this.  I wish people who shoot point of view videos understood the impact of watching a film that literally makes you feel like you're going to puke.  It's only going to make your movie less likable. 

Also stop Blair Witching it. We don't need another movie where someone stands there not moving with their back to the camera, while someone tentatively shouts their name.  Yes, we get it. Something is terribly wrong.

Tales from the Hood 2 (2018)

A horror anthology with a wrap around story about a rich,  white, racist, sexist, jerk named Dumass Beach who invents the Robo-Patriot - a robot that can police the populace and hand down sentences to those who commit crimes.  Beach hires Portifoy Simms to tell the robot stories about human behavior. Then the robot can use these tales to build a profile of unacceptable behavior and punish those who go past that line.

Here is a synopsis of each tale:

Good Golly - Two college friends, one white and one black, go to a museum of racist artifacts where they see a doll called a golliwog.  The white girl has a collection of the dolls and doesn't see them as racist since they were part of her childhood. After failing to get the proprietor to sell it to her, she comes back after dark to break in and steal it. Things go horribly wrong.

The Medium - After thugs accidentally kill a pimp while attempting to find out where he keeps his money, they kidnap a famous psychic in an effort to contact the pimp in the afterlife. As you can imagine, thing go horribly wrong.

Date Night - Two clean cut date rapists use a dating app to find two females and then roofie them while at the women's house. Thankfully things go horribly wrong.

The Sacrifice - a black politician is subservient to a white politician and is not true to himself in a bid to get more power.  His pregnant white wife keeps seeing a boy who she says wants to take their baby. The real story of Emmett Till is part of this morality play, and other tragic real deaths are referenced to hit home the point.

I'm not sure how it would affect anyone if they are not familiar with Emmett Till. But if you are familiar with history, then this story will suck the air out of the room. There were three of us watching the movie and when it ended, we were all silent and depressed. So if they were trying to make an impact, point accomplished. I'm just not sure if will impact those who don't know that Emmett Till was a real person who was brutally murdered. Also many people watch horror movies as a fun escape which this segment is not.

Keith David is awesome, as he is in almost everything. He's a lot of fun to watch. And of course you know that Beach is going to get what's coming to him, since he has no redeemable qualities.

One thing that drove us all nuts was that in Date Night, you actually have to watch four people play two rounds of Cards Against Humanity. This is annoying on it's own because who wants to watch someone play cards? But even more so because they keep track of who plays which card. That's not how you play it, people.


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Ghostwitch (2015)

When Nerd Zeke and his computer go to a cool kids pool party, they get thrown in the pool.  Zeke is rescued by Mattie, sister of the parties host. Since his computer is ruined, she offers him her computer and they discover they both are interested in the paranormal.

Zeke is part of a paranormal group called G.H.O.S.T. (we're never filled in on what this stands for). Mattie asks if he'll investigate an old house her family owns. She had an experience there as a child and there are legends that it is haunted.

Zeke, Mattie, and the team arrive at the home and find there is no dust or cobwebs, and the floors are super clean. It looks like someone lives there but nope, it's abandoned.

The characters do things that make no sense.  When their friend disappears, they wonder if they should call the police but decide not to because they don't want to call the locals attention to the house.  But they'd already been to the local diner and asked the waitress about the legend and the house. When she warned them about it, they scoffed at her. So yeah, the locals are already on to you, and they don't like you - especially since you ordered breakfast and then left before your order came and never notified your waitress.

Later someone knocks on the door of the home and they are afraid. They decide to be quiet so whoever is outside will go away. First of all, the lights are on in the abandoned house and it's night - they can see you. Second, they can hear you. Third, you're there with a girl whose family owns the building. So why are you afraid? If this scares you, are you going to be able to handle seeing a ghost?

This is the only paranormal team with a member who complains about investigating a house that might actually be haunted. She is angry that so many things are happening that she can't explain. Isn't that why you ghost hunt? To find some sort of proof that ghosts exist?  Why is this girl on the team? She's unnecessarily aggressive, accusatory, angry and other unflattering things that start with the letter A.

Skip this one as there is nothing new to see here. Move along.


Stupid dialogue about ghost hunting at a home known to be haunted

"She brought us here to investigate some house that she already thought was haunted and miraculously all these unexplainable things start happening. Coincidence? I think not.  It's probably not even real." - paranormal investigator that doesn't seem to grasp that unexplainable things happening can be classified as paranormal

The Revenge of Robert (2018)

Holy crap, why did I watch this. I wish I had remembered that I barely got through the first movie, Robert. Since sequels are never as good as the original, it's a good idea to pass when the first flick was crap.

The first forty minutes of the film are focused on two people who appear to be the main characters, but disappear half way through the film. Be prepared to wait to see the dolls since they don't show up until then.  One of those dolls is a clown whose make up is just like John Wayne Gacy's, which is creepy in a gross way, rather than a scary way. Also creepy? That I recognized the make up.

The puppet master is obviously wearing old man make up. He's an old man in the 1940s and yet still alive in present day.  Everyone has a bad german accent, and there are no likable characters in the movie.

This takes place during World War II. Nazi's want to kill the toymaker and the Allies want to protect him.  At one point, they end up on a train. It's a finite space, yet the Nazi assassin can't find the toymaker.  What an idiot.  Also one of the Nazi's has a hat that is too big for him which is really distracting because it waggles when he moves his head.

I ended up fast forwarding through some of it to see if anything interesting was going to happen. It doesn't.  If you're looking for Nazi's and puppets, you'd be much better off watching one of the Puppetmaster movies.  Avoid Robert at all costs.

The Meg (2018)

When a research sub with three crew members becomes disabled on the ocean floor, Jonas Taylor is called in to attempt a rescue. Jonas is the only one man in the world can perform this type of rescue. Coincidentally his ex wife is on the stranded sub.

Years ago Jonas saved eleven people in a sinking vessel from death. But the ships doctor - who was one of the men rescued -  states Jonas is a coward who left two men behind to die. Jonas has a different story - there was something down there in the depths that was attacking the sub and if he hadn't made the decision to leave, they all would have perished.

Things go horribly wrong as almost every cliche you can think of is packed into this film which made it lots of fun.  Every time someone got knocked into the water at an inopportune time, I had to laugh.  And theres a scene right out of Jaws where the killer shark is hung up and people gather round to take photos of their prize, when the most knowledgable person on board mutters, "that's not the right shark."

I'd recommend going to the theater with some friends and seeing it on the big screen. 

Deadshadows (2012)

When Chris was a boy, his parents were killed on the night that Halleys comet was seen.  Now an adult, Chris is scared of the dark and socially awkward, preferring to stay in his apartment and work online so he doesn't have to interact much with people.

There is a new comet that is passing over Earth and theories of an apocalypse abound.  People throughout the city use this as an excuse to throw huge parties and get crazy.

Chris is invited to a party by his attractive neighbor and decides to go. But at the party things get weird. People start acting strange, some get violent, and others mutate into creatures with disturbing appendages.

While Chris is able to retreat to the safety of his apartment, he eventually is attacked and has to team up with other survivors to try to figure out how to stay alive.

You can't help but think of Night of the Comet since it all revolves around something strange happening as a comet passes over the Earth.   Overall it's okay, but the ending is unsatisfactory... kind of like this review.


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The Nightmare (2015)

Well I guess if you like seeing people talk about their night paralysis, then this film is for you. There is no narration, no set up, and no explanation for the stories.  It's made up of watching re-enactments of the stories, or people sitting in front of a camera relating their thoughts and experiences.

One of the drawbacks about the film is there is no background on what sleep paralysis is, or any scientific theories and explanations. So if you aren't familiar with it, you could be  confused.  There aren't even any crazy theories. Just people endlessly talking about their nightmares.

Sleep paralysis is incredibly frightening for those who experience it, and some people have hallucinations.  One person talks about shadow people he saw in the bedroom and that he couldn't move, but later he says "and then I woke up..." Not sure if it's the editing or how he told it, but if your story ends with you waking up, then all the viewer is left with is that you had a terrible dream.

Stories include the following:

• guy whose visitors were aliens
• guy who'd never heard of sleep paralysis until his girlfriend told him about hers. Then he started suffering from it the next night. So he tells a friend, and then the friends suffers from it the night after that.
• woman whose sleep paralysis stopped when she found God .... hiding under the bed (rimshot)
• woman who reveals she suffered extreme abuse as a child
• man who mentions not wanting to stay at parents home due to terrible things that happened there (beside his sleep paralysis)

Prom Night IV: Deliver Us From Evil (1992)

In the 1950s, Father Jonas kills two teens having sex in the back of a car. Instead of calling the police, his fellow priests sedate him and lock him in the basement of the monastery.

Thirty years later, a young idealistic priest is tasked with the care of Father Jonas, who is still sedated and shackled to a bed. It looks like he hasn't aged a day. But he desperately needs a shave and a haircut because he resembles Rasputin.

Our idealistic young priest had one job, sigh.  But he decides sedation is not needed and soon he's sleeping the eternal sleep while Father Jonas gallivants off into the night to find more sinning teens to murder.  Surprisingly no one asks how a man who hasn't moved for thirty years still has enough muscle tone to overpower a priest and run off.

In a convenient plot point, this happens to be the night of the prom and two couples are winding their way to ones family mansion for a romantic evening.  A mansion which coincidentally happens to be the old monastery. They're on a collision course with wackiness and Father Jonas.

It's snowing which is really weird considering they are going to the prom. What kind of school holds  prom in the winter? I'm highly suspicious of this.


Ridiculous Dialogue that implies someone was held back an amazingly large number of times -
"I can't believe we finished 12 years of high school."
(If it took you 12 years to finish high school, you've done something terribly wrong.)

Vanishing on 7th Street (2010)

During a blackout, anyone without some sort of flashlight, candle or other battery powered light source disappears, leaving behind nothing but a pile of clothing. Those that are left alive figure out there is something in the dark and the key to staying alive is staying in the light. Yet their grasp on the life giving lights is tenuous at best.

Never have so many people tripped and dropped flashlights when they are the only things keeping them from being taken by whatever lurks in the darkness. Yet there our characters are, falling and flailing while their lights roll out of reach when they hit the ground. Damn it, people! Hold onto your damn flashlights like your life depends on it - because it does.

The lead character isn't that likable which is a problem, and there's no real resolution or explanation for what's happening. While some movies can pull that off, this one can't and you'll be left feeling kind of annoyed.


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The Temple (2017)

When Kate heads to Japan to photograph temples for her college thesis, she brings along her jerk boyfriend James and her best friend Chris. Chris speaks Japanese which is useful but Kate doesn't notice that Chris seems to want to be more than friends.  James discomfort with this situation is the only  likable thing about him.

While at a small shop, Kate tries to purchase a book. But the shopkeepers smile fades when she sees it. She tells them it's not for sale and immediately closes the shop.  Not a good sign in any culture, but Chris doesn't get the hint and later that night, buys the book from a small boy who says he works there.

The book shows the location of a shrine and the next day they travel to a small town near its location.  When Chris asks the locals about it, he receives a warning about people being multilated when they visit. He decides not to scare his friends and holds back this incredibly vital information.

People, if you go to a foreign country and someone says, hey don't go to that place because people die or get horribly mutilated there, and you're the only one who speaks the language - tell your friends! They have the right to know so they can decide whether they should laugh it off as superstition, or stay away.  Sometimes superstitions are based on facts that can't be explained. Or there just may be  horrible people wanting to hurt you hiding in isolated places.

Our protagonists traipse on and do everything they can to get themselves in stuck at the haunted temple. Mission accomplished.  This is a frustrating movie to watch and the ending will not make you feel any better about what happened before.  Expect to be disappointed.

Iced (1988)

A group of friends head to a ski lodge for the weekend. Jeff brags about his skiing prowess to impress Trina. But when he loses a ski race, Trina ends up arm wrestling (yeah you heard me) with winner Cory in his hotel room. Jeff screams at Cory for stealing his girlfriend. But as Trina points out, they didn't come together and they've never dated.  Oh god, Jeff's one of those guys.

In a rage, Jeff heads downstairs to drink and pours his anger out to...someone, or maybe no one as we never see anyone with him. Then he goes night skiing, falls off a boulder, and lands on a small pile of rocks. And when I say rocks, I'm talking about four or five stones that might be used in building a rock wall.  Jeff rolls off the rocks and sighs, leaving the viewer to wonder if he's had the wind knocked out of him or he's dead.

Four years later, the gang is invited to a ski chalet for a sales presentation on the same mountain where Jeff died. Okay, so that establishes he's dead.... or does it?  Because there is a killer after everyone who went to the mountain with Jeff.

Alex, the real estate agent for the chalet, is barely introduced before he's in a hot tub having visions of being naked with a woman.  What's the deal?  Is this a fantasy? Is he remembering something from his past? Is he psychic and seeing something in his future?

An hour into the film, you'll wonder when the killing is going to start  - and then you'll realize there was already one murder. A slow moving snow plow runs over a man who would have survived if he'd only thought to step out of the way. Instead he remains rooted to the road while the plow slowly lumbers up and runs him over.

Be prepared for lots of hanging out at the chalet and conversations where nothing happens. Trina is always exercising. Jeannette is always getting naked and so is Carl. The killers point of view is from inside a broken ski mask which is pretty awesome but it's few and far between.

Prepare yourself for kills that are nonsensical.   Along with the guy who can't move out of the way of the snowplow, we have other confusing options. Such as the guy who's stabbed in the chest, which based on the positioning would mean the killer had walk up in front of him and lean across the kitchen counter to stab him.  And a guy who steps in a bear trap, yet ends up dead his torso covered in blood. How did that happen?  Did he somehow get the trap off his leg, reset it, and fall onto it torso first? What the hell, movie?

The most awkward scene is when Jeannette decides she's going to get all dolled up and put the moves on Alex when he comes to do his sales presentation.  After some pleasantries with the group, Alex and Jeannette get cozy next to the fire for some one on one time.   They drink wine, flirt it up, and make out. This is all fine and dandy until the phone rings.  Cut to the other side of the room where you can everyone is sitting on the couch a foot away from Alex and Jeannette while they make out. Holy crap! Who does that as an adult?

This has one of the most ridiculous reveals regarding the killer and his motivation.  Stop reading now if you don't want to know the unintentionally silly explanation.  The killer blames everyone for Jeff's death. Yet Jeff's accident had nothing to do with them. Jeff was kind of nuts and got angry because he thought he was dating someone that he wasn't actually dating.   It's not the others fault that he skied at night and died.  But the killer was in the bar and Jeff poured his heart out about the betrayal he felt.  So when Jeff didn't come back after heading up the mountain, our killer went looking for him the same night, fell off the same rock and broke his damn leg.  He blames the group not only for causing Jeff's death, but also his accident which resulted in the loss of his leg. This caused him to lose his dream of skiing in the Olympics. You see, our killer has a prosthetic leg, and it does come into play, although laughably.  So it's got that going for it.

Make sure to stick around for the snowman scene at the end.

Lake Alice (2017)

Ryan and Sarah join her parents at their cabin for Christmas.  Sarah is super happy when Ryan proposes, but her father is concerned because they've only been dating for a year and believes Ryan will not be able to support her since he is trying to become a filmmaker.

To make things more awkward, Sarah's ex-boyfriend and his mother stop by with a Christmas gift which turns out to be a framed photo of him  and Sarah with their mothers. Nothing weird about that.

For more than half the movie, nothing much happens. Then late  one night knocking is heard in the middle of the night and the family is attacked when they try to investigate.  This is where the film goes totally sideways.  Characters make the worst decisions they could possibly make.  Ryan insists that they go outside to make a run for it even though the killer is outside. Once outside, they all head in different directions and do not seem to grasp the concept of how to remain hidden or stay quiet.

Need tips to remain safe from killers at night in an isolated home or woods? Don't go outside. Just don't.  Stop shouting angrily because your cell phone doesn't work. Don't use flashlights in the dark because it makes it obvious where you're hiding. Don't talk loudly if you find someone you know.  Don't yell to cars on the road when you're deep in the woods.  If a truck drives into a snow bank, see if you can drive it away from there rather than running away from you only possible means of transport.

It was so frustrating to watch Ryan sneak into the basement whispering Sarah's name when he's shining a flashlight around. If the killer is there, the light is a beacon in the darkness, you idiot.

The twist ending is predictable as well as who is in the mask when Sarah sneaks up on him. It's nothing that hasn't been done before.  It's a small town, there's a big snow storm and there are only so many characters. As people start to die, you'll be able to narrow it down. 

One of the most awkward scenes was watching Sarah's ex play a really crappy gig.  It would be stupid if it weren't exactly like so many bad gigs I've sat through.  It's not a club so there's no stage.  The bar just puts a stool and microphone on the floor as a designated area for the person to play. And the bar patrons politely applaud but mostly ignore him and wait for him to stop.  He was so close to the pool table that if someone was playing pool, they would have hit him in the face when they drew back their cue.

Also don't invite someone to your house multiple times if you don't want them to show up. Sarah's mom invites Carl, the snowplow driver, to the house. While he politely say he doesn't want to intrude, she doubles down and tells him it's no trouble and he should really stop by.  So he does and they ask what he wants and shut the door in his face. Holy crap, that alone made me hate them.

If for some unknown reason you feel obligated to invite him and he turns you down, let it drop. Don't keep asking him to stop by.  That makes you a total asshole. Yeah the guys weird  and you don't want him in your house - which is exactly why you don't invite him in the first place.  So now you've extended an invite and retracted it by shutting the door in his face. Don't humiliate the guy. He would have been fine not going to your stupid house.

It also drove me nuts that Sarah invited her ex to come visit her and her fiancé in California. You don't do that. You don't invite your ex to visit unless your fiancé is okay with that, and you check with him first.

When I got done with the DVD, I noticed there was an option that said Bonus.  I was hoping that the bonus would be that when I clicked that option the DVD would be spit out of the player in a million pieces.  But it was not to be.


"Slow down! I can't run!"  - the worst thing to say when running away from someone trying to kill you.

The Ultimate Weapon (1988)

Hulk Hogan is Cutter, a man for hire who has a bad toupee and a conscience - both of which are a real problem for a mercenary.  He should maybe think about changing his line of work, or only sign up for wholesome family mercenary jobs.

After Cutter and his new partner complete their mission, Cutter gets suspicious that the goons he's delivering weapons to are not part of a U.N. operation like he'd been lead to believe. So he does what any good mercenary would do - he blows up the weapons.  In typical action movie consequences, this causes his family to become targets.

Cutter is quite the family man.  He casually delivers the worst proposal in the world to his girlfriend and hasn't seen his daughter in about 10 years.  If we follow the bad movie making playbook, this is cause and effect which leads to her work at a strip club.  She must not have been doing this for long because the light hasn't gone out of her eyes yet. But it will soon because her dad is watching her dance.

Family drama ensues as Cutter tries to protect his daughter while she bitterly avoids him for not being part of her life.

There a stunt double for Hogan that looks nothing like him, which is really distracting.  The stunt is jumping a fence. Not a chest high fence, but one where you can literally put a  hand on it and jump over.  I'm guessing Hogan is so bulky that his giant frame could not accommodate the slight jumping action.  But it's disconcerting to see someone who is far younger and in far better shape jumping the fence because at first glance, you think "who the hell is that" even though you know it's supposed to be Cutter.

The worst name a villain can give a document that has
secret info for his eyes only? Secret File.

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Abandoned (2015)

Single mom Streak takes a job as a night time security guard at an abandoned high-rise building.  On her first night on the job, she's told that she will patrol the building at regular intervals while her partner - a grumpy middle aged man in a wheelchair - watches the security monitors and communicates over the radio to her.

Before her manager leaves for the night, he makes it clear that no one is allowed in, and if someone does get in, her job is to get them out.  Streak is desperate for this job. She needs this job as she's worried that she's going to lose custody of her daughter and this appears to be her last chance of avoiding this.

This is why it's so crazy when a few hours later, and against her partners instructions, Streak lets a homeless man in to spend the night because there's a storm outside. Argh! Sure, come on in crazy homeless guy and bring your dog too.

As if that isn't a bad enough decision, she is told to stay away from the part of the building where there are no cameras. But she wants to figure out why the cameras don't work and heads into the basement to fix them. While there she hears something behind a padlocked door. What is a new employee to do on their first day? Obey the rules and continue your rounds, or break the padlock off the old door and explore? Streak decides it's padlock breaking time and off she goes.

Oh Streak, don't you understand that they've hired you to keep people out?  Even if someone is in there, the padlock keeps them out. Now she's opened up an avenue for anyone in there to come into the building. And if your employer has a padlocked door, it's not a good idea to break the lock and explore, ever.

Strange things start happening, and Streak sees little kids in the labyrinth behind the padlocked door.  Is it real? Is she crazy?  Will there be a payoff at the end? No, no there won't. The ending will annoy the hell out of you as it's totally unsatisfactory.

Zoombies (2016)

Eden wildlife zoo is opening soon and college interns arrive to help get the place in shape.  They are shown the amazing set up of this new marvelous zoo which includes an app to track all the animals.

A CGI monkey gets a virus and dies. An experimental serum is used to bring it back to life. Oh snap! Things do not look good for our intrepid undergrads.

The students on the internship are the standard characters including a girl with a terrible attitude. How did she even get  this internship?  They do interviews for internships and no one would have touched this girl with a ten foot pole.  She's horrible.

When an alarm goes off, everybody ignores it.  That alarm? Oh it's just that darn researcher who's always setting it off. It can't be anything important.  No, we don't even pay attention to it anymore. No, it couldn't possibly be zombie animals planning to kill all the workers in the park.

Eventually they figure out the alarm is for real this time.  So they lock down the park and wait for SWAT to save them.  Oddly enough the SWAT team shows up on the animal tracking system.

While this is a film by The Asylum, which is not a good thing, it is one of the more entertaining Asylum movies because things happen quickly. Usually Asylum has some crazy plot that could be awesomely ridiculous and fun, if only the movie wasn't idiots standing around talking.  There's some of that in this, but the animals go crazy pretty quickly and then everything is chaos.  There's nothing new about it, and it's not stellar by any means, but it had more going for it than most.  Watch for the continuity issue where the guys tattoo switches arms as he goes down zip line.  (I can't even remember his name at this point).

Darling (2015)

A young woman known as Darling is hired to take care of a wealthy matrons New York home.  When she shows up to start the job, she is warned that the previous caretaker committed suicide by jumping off the roof and the house is said to be haunted. But Darling is game, as what else is she going to do since she'd have nowhere to live if she didn't stay. Also maybe the owner should have mentioned this prior to hiring her.

Darling stares at the camera a lot.  She wanders around the house and stares.  She has what are either flashbacks or hallucinations, which rely on jump cuts and jarring noise accompaniment in an attempt to startle and induce fear. Instead it just induces annoyance at this cliched manipulation.

The movie spends an inordinate amount of time watching Darling.   So if you want to watch a young woman stare emptily, act slightly weird, and not speak much, then you'll probably enjoy this.

The ending is not a surprise and you'll find yourself wondering why anyone - especially someone rich -  would not check references before hiring a caretaker.

Also there is a locked door at the end of the hallway that you assume will figure into the story line at some point.  There is talk that the house may have been the site of Satanic ceremonies, that it might be haunted and that other caretakers have left suddenly or killed themselves.  Yet the mystery of the locked door is never used effectively so it just becomes another dead end which doesn't contribute to the story, such as it is.

The film is in black and white, and while this can be an effective choice when making a film, the lack of contrast in this movie is noticeable. It's as if they shot in color and just stripped the color out. There seems no thought to the contrast, which could have made the film moodier, spookier and more visually appealing.  If you watch films from the 50s and 60s, you can see how lighting is effectively used to deliver tension and mood. This film is far too bright and flat to effectively work.

The extras on the dvd include an interview with the director who seems very convinced that this is a special film and the viewer has never seen anything like this. Yet it borrows heavily from his influences and anyone who watches horror regularly will not be surprised by anything that occurs. Also the use of chapters in a film has to be done carefully to be effective or it comes off as pretentious, which it does here.