Tooth Fairy (2018)

Aka Toof

Carla goes back to the family farm to get a birth certificate for her nephew Corey.  There she runs into Joe, who she used to have a relationship with until he got her sister pregnant.  Joe is Corey’s father. There’s no explanation for why Joe hasn’t seen Corey in five years, has no contact with him, and Carla is his guardian. In fact, Joe doesn’t seem okay with not having a relationship with his son.

When Carla arrives, her mother tries to tell her about a threat to Corey since he’s about to turn ten. Carla is having none of it.  She resents that her mom sent her and her sister away as children.  Carla needs some serious counseling. Everything irritates her and she has no tolerance for others.

Too bad she doesn’t listen to her mom who is trying to warn her about the tooth fairy.  Apparently you can contain the tooth fairy by using sugar. Just dump a bag on the floor, or on her back, and light it on fire.  Although mom and her accomplices thought they’d killed her years ago, she’s currently being held in the barn by just a small latch, which is undone by a homeless guy who wants some sweets.  As is expected, releasing a dangerous supernatural entity is going to result in a number of deaths.

There are many questions.  When the power went out, how did she get online? The wi-fi wouldn’t work on the laptop. Why doesn’t Joe have custody of his son? How is it this vicious evil could be released by simply opening a latch? Wasn’t there a more secure place they could put her? Why not a padlock to keep people from releasing her?  Is there a reason people don’t make any effort to get away when she pulls their teeth?  And most importantly of all, why do Carla and her mother appear to be the same age? I thought they were sisters but then Carla keeps calling her mom.

This looks like it was filmed at the same farm as Bride of the Scarecrow, which also has some of the same actors.

Tooth Fairy is Blair Witching it in the corner

So if this is the daughter….

…how can this be her mother?  

Joe trying to figure out why mother and daughter are the same age.

The Rift (1990)

When Siren 1 disappears, the government calls in it's creator Wick Hayes.  Wick doesn't want any part of this mission but they plan on blaming him for the failure, even though they modified his plans and kicked him off the project.  

Feeling trapped, Wick heads onto Siren 2 where he is greeted by an unenthusiastic crew who think he's to blame.  To make things more uncomfortable, his ex also shows up with the military to help with the rescue.

When they get down into the depths, they find seaweed growing which is odd since nothing should be growing at this depth. A sample shows it’s highly toxic to fish.

They also find a pressurized cavern under the ocean where someone has been doing experiments. There is lots of equipment and signs that people have recently been there.  When they hear noises in the holes in the walls, they peer in. A cute little creature comes out and kisses them on their helmets.  No, of course it doesn’t. It’s a harbinger of death.

It’s standard 90s ocean horror with a few names you’ll recognize and some exploding heads.

Suited up for exploring the cave

Oh no, don’t put your head so close to that hole.

A nicely done head explosion

I’ll be fine. Nothing to see here.

Dead Squad: Temple of the Undead (2018)

Three guys on vacation meet three girls on vacation and decide to go rafting in the jungle.  When they get to a fork in the river, they ignore the map, the advice of the rafting company, and the signs saying not to take the chained off right fork.  After traveling for awhile, they stop to swim and before they know it, their raft is gone.

With the realization that no one is coming to help since they took the closed fork in the river, they start walking through the jungle and find a huge ruin.  They think maybe they can get cell reception if they climb to the top of it. But of course they’re in a jungle so it doesn’t work.

They decide to camp in the ruins for the night because it’s going to be dark soon.  Instead of preparing for the night, they decide to explore. Behind a metal door, they discover a locked gate and a control room, but don’t consider they could get locked in. Even when they find a generator and some gas, there is no thought of danger. Too bad since this used to be a secret lab where Nazis’ recruited by the CIA experimented on people trying to create a super soldier.

This isn’t enjoyable, other than a moment right out of Scooby Doo where a hand reaches out and tries to grab a girl but it misses as she walks away.  The Nazi pronounces developing as devil-op-ing which emphasis on the op, and I don’t know if it was bad acting or someone thinks that’s how it’s pronounced. Also one girl goes on the trip in high heels, makeup and carrying a stuffed animal dog that barks.  

It looks like the letters on the MP’s helmet are made from tape.

This supposed to be blood but the consistency is all wrong

The Gallows II (2019)

Anna Rue moves in with her older sister and starts attending a new high school.  She tanks her reading for a theater class after being undermined by her insecurity when the kids in the class are rude, giggle or don’t pay attention while she’s acting.

Anna is a vlogger with a YouTube channel with 200 subscribers. When one of her followers suggests she do the viral Charlie challenge to increase hits, she figures why not.  This involves reading a passage from the play The Gallows. Supposedly if you read this passage the spirit of Charlie, a kid who was accidentally hanged while performing the play, will show up.

When weird things start happening, Anna gets a ton of new subscribers, but she’s also got something supernatural stalking her and her sister. Oh my, what will she do.  Honestly I don’t remember because it’s forgettable.

The Demon’s Waltz (2021)

Rebecca, a private investigator who always looks sad, is hired by mortuary worker Harper to look into the death of a teenage girl who died after doing a viral Tik Tok dance challenge. They discover that many young people who do the dance end up dead, which becomes more alarming after finding out Rebecca’s younger sister has done the challenge and her multiple sclerosis seems to have gotten better. 

We also find out that Rebecca isn’t much of a private investigator when she doesn’t do any research on anything or any background checks.  She just blindly bumps along until her teen sister does some research on the internet, or a client does a reverse image search. Holy crapRebecca, you shoudn’t be charging anyone for your time.

There is a lot of talk about God and the movie is way too long, clocking in at almost two hours.  Why does everyone want to make two hour movies nowadays? For all the issues I had with The Stalker a few weeks ago, at least it lasted only slightly more than sixty minutes. Two hours should be set aside for brilliant filmmakers or amazing storytelling, not run of the mill low budget horror. There’s so much padding in this film and scenes that go nowhere.

This is the happiest Rebecca gets

Trace (2015)

 A bunch of twenty somethings record themselves summoning a demon in hopes of getting an EVP (Electronic Voice Phenomenon).  Some of them think they hear something on the recording, but the others aren't sure. Jerk Jarek's girlfriend gets mad at him so he stays at Nicks for the night. When Nick gets up the next morning, Jarek is dead.

One thing I find annoying is the plot contrivance where conflict occurs because one character doesn’t tell another important information.  In this case, the police ask Nick if he and Jarek had a fight, or if Jarek wanted to leave.  Nick asks if he's being accused of something and gets defensive.  He never says Jarek had a fight with his girlfriend and slept on the couch because he was too drunk to drive, which would explain the situation easily.

Nick becomes obsessed with the recording and determines that there is a voice speaking. The voice lists everyone's name in the order of their death. Jarek was first on the list so Nick is understandably freaked out.  He wants to tell the police about this but Duffy says it's incriminating evidence linking them to Jarek's death.  Nick and the audience are confused. 

As the deaths mount, Duffy seems unconcerned and tells Nick things become real because you choose to believe it.  

I spent half the movie trying to figure out Jarek's name. Is it Jared? Jerrick? Jarrett? Derrick? I never figured it out and had to look at the credits.

This movie has an ending that will tick you off.

A Werewolf in England (2020)

Parrish counselor Horace is transporting prisoner Archie to court.  Archie is accused of murder, but claims the thing he killed was an animal which turned into a man after it died.  No one believes him. 

When they stop at an inn to stay the night, things go off the rails since they arrive on the night the owners let werewolves eat the guests as some sort of sacrifice.  So Archie is going to be believed soon enough.

The acting often feels overdone as if they’re playing to the back row.  I wasn’t aware it was supposed to be a horror comedy since there no laughs. The comedy seems to be based towards teenage humor with scenes of pissing in chamber pots or a prostitute having sex with a repulsive old dude while he’s handcuffed to the prisoner to ensure he can’t escape.  To ad insult to injury, they’re British but their accents aren’t even convincing. I thought they were Americans attempting lame olde timey accents from the Victorian era.

The best thing about this movie is the Dark Temple video logo and music before the film. It’s got an 80s VHS feel to it.  Other than that, nothing to recommend this. Also not sure if they were purposely trying to mislead people into thinking this was An American Werewolf in London, but it’s too close for comfort.

Possession Diaries (2019)

After using a ouija board a few days earlier, strange things start happening to Rebecca. She’s seen a priest and a psychiatrist but neither believes her story. It’s pretty impressive she could get an appointment with a psychiatrist within a day or two. 

Rebecca starts a vlog to document her possession.  She tells her audience she’s not an actor and that this is real.  That’s funny considering the acting in this film isn’t very good.  The fake crying is so bad that if someone did it in real life, you’d turn to your friend and  raise your eyebrows as if to say, are you seeing this?

I’m not sure anyone would be interested in her vlog. For days not much happens other than she constantly complains, talks to her boyfriend Dante (but not about what’s going on), and gets a few crank calls from what may be a demon.  She also says “hey guys” a millions times in a lifeless way, and almost every sentence between Rebecca and Dante contains the word babe. The biggest questions are will she ever change her clothes and what year is this supposed to be? Because she’s using a landline and most college students use cell phones.

Day three - Rebecca still hasn’t changed her clothes, and she’s kind of an idiot. She sees a psychic who believes her demon story and mentions a priest that can help. Rebecca says, “Forget it. They don’t believe me.”  She never considers that perhaps a priest who has a working relationship with a psychic would be open to tales of possessions or demons. What has she got to lose? Finally someone believes her story but she shrugs and slinks away. Also people online think she’s faking it so latch onto anyone who will believe.

Day five - The same clothes still cloak her while she cries to her camera, “My boyfriend Dante broke up with me because I tried stabbing him with a knife this morning.”  Unsurprisingly her online audience is not sympathetic. But on the plus size, the priest comes to do an exorcism.

Day six - it’s Halloween, it’s her birthday and now she has changed because the demon is gone. Hurrah. She calls a friend to ask for a favor and based on the ten digits she had to dial, he’s long distance. So that makes it even stranger when he arrives and she asks him to get rid of her ouija board.  Couldn’t she ask someone who lived closer?

If you’re thinking about watching this, be forewarned. It has a 1.9 rating on IMDB. While most of the movie is shown from the angle of the computer so we can see the entire room, she is actually only broadcasting her head and shoulders, which is insane. No wonder people online don’t believe her. She basically has no proof except for some crank phone calls and things that happen off screen.

Ridiculous dialogue

That was Dante. I can’t let him know what just happened.

Rebecca: I’m scared.

Dante: Scared of what?

Rebecca: Never mind.

I’m sorry to call you so late. I had a really bad dream about you. Maybe it was the sandwich I ate before I went to bed.

This is what she’s broadcasting. It’s useless unless
the demon conks her on the noggin.

This is what we see when she’s talking to the camera.

Berserkers (2014)

 Right off the bat you know you’re in trouble when the movie starts with random shots of downtown under the credits, and then the first line is “what’s up my little nipple hair.” Blurgh! I’m not sure what is worse. That someone thought this was a good opening line, or that someone might talk like this in real life.

Hunter, who looks like a cross between Matthew Perry and Quentin Tarantino, is planning to propose to his girlfriend tonight.  But Kimmi already has other plans which is pretty crappy since it’s his birthday. She says she’s going out with the girls, but she’s dressing as if it’s a date and a guy picks her up. 

After his jerk friend organizes a keg party for him and invites a girl who wants to date him, Hunter feels better. Even though he’s still planning to propose so he can give Kimmi the life she deserves. Good god man, she ditched you on your birthday to go out with another guy. She isn’t wife material.

Meanwhile a woman with blood streaming down her face goes into the worst hospital in the world. She asks for help, but the nurses give her the eyeball and laugh as if to say yeah right.  Too bad they didn’t take her seriously since she is infected and now she’s getting blood everywhere. 

The virus gets loose in town, and Hunter and three others band together in an attempt to evacuate. Apparently blood in your face and mouth don’t matter in this zombie scenario. Also what sort of idiot walks up to someone in a zombie fight and puts their hand on their shoulder. How would they know it’s not a zombie grabbing them? They don’t so chaos and injury ensue.

I couldn’t even get through this one. The characters weren’t like able and while there are a lot of attempts at humor, they all fall flat. Also a big FU to whoever decided that ringing that doorbell over and over was a good idea. It’s freaking annoying.

Rent-A-Pal (2020)

David is a lonely man who takes care of his dementia addled Mom and lives in the basement. He doesn’t work since taking care of her is a full time job.  He joins a dating service but has no luck. He picks up a tape called Rent-A-Pal where someone named Andy pretends the viewer is his best friend and leaves spaces where the viewer can answer questions.

At first David is not impressed. But he has no company except for his mother and after repeated viewings, David feels like he has a new friend.  He watches the tape over and over, and gets to know it by heart.

When he gets matched with a kind woman who works with the elderly and understands what he’s goes through with his Mom, they hit it off. David is excited and can’t wait to tell his best friend. But  Andy feels like David has deserted him.  The rest of the movie is just kind of icky.

The quote on the cover about the scariest villain of the year totally skewed my viewpoint of what was going to happen in this film. I kept waiting for terribly villainous things to happen, but it was just a video tape being watched by a man having a mental breakdown.

Nosferatu.com (2020)

A group of movie makers and explorers head to an abandoned factory to look for a friend who disappeared. They split up to cover more ground and discover what appears to be fresh blood on one of the walls.  

Meanwhile a reality show has chosen the same location for a dating show.  This is unfortunate since the building is full of vampires.

The most impressive part of this film is that they filmed themselves running through the dark in an abandoned building without getting injured.  Also the camerawork is fantastic in the sense that I am prone to motion sickness and I never got nauseous. They’re running down hallways and up stairs, yet they kept the camera really steady. This is a lesson for other filmmakers in that it’s possible to do found footage that looks self shot while maintaining fairly steady camerawork.

This is a French movie. I watched it on Amazon Prime and the subtitles were off by about four seconds, which was really disconcerting.  Even worse, the subtitles were too early so you would know something was going to happen before it did on camera. Someone would scream and then four seconds later, you’ d see a vampire come out of the dark.

The Final Project (2016)

A film class with six students decides to do their final project on an abandoned plantation. They have no thesis and can’t articulate their story. One of the guys in the class keeps mispronouncing the name of the plantation. When a student who grew up in the area corrects him, he gets bent out of shape. Dude, if you don’t care enough to learn how to pronounce the name, then I don’t trust your research methods and can’t take your documentary seriously.

The groups camera work leaves much to be desired. They film interviews on the street but don’t appear to have looked through the lens to see what they’re filming. Often half of the persons face isn’t in the shot. They also set the camera down and leave it running while they are eating or using the computer. So we’re looking at footage of plates of food and torsos, or arms, a computer mouse and a desk.  They’re shooting without any thought. 

They don’t even talk about the plantation. They talk about mundane things, such as one girls ex who will need to interact with her new boyfriend on the trip. Then there is a long sequence of everyone in the van playing never have I ever.  Oooo, don’t you love when you watch a documentary and the filmmakers talk about themselves?

For the most part, the students are unlikeable.  The pink girl is antagonistic and condescending to a convenience store clerk. Why are you being so aggressive when the cashier says it’s a bad idea to go to the plantation? You’re doing a documentary. You should be curious about a warning from a local. Even if their information is flawed, it can give you a place to start your research and teaches you about local lore.

Another odd interchange is when they arrive at the plantation. They are an hour late and the caretaker is about to to leave. He starts warning them about the house and one of the kids irritatedly says, “Just give us the keys and a quick tour, man. We don’t have all day.”  If they hadn’t been late, this wouldn’t be an issue.  Then they wander around outside rather than unlocking the house or getting a tour. Another missed opportunity to collect information about the house and property. With their lack of curiousity and poor camerawork, they are surely the worst documentary makers ever.

Of course the warnings about the property are correct and people start disappearing, dying, or just going mental.  At one point, two of the group run into a closet and one screams, “lock the door.” This is weird because closets don’t usually lock. But if they do, they lock from the outside. It’s an old house so maybe the lock used a key? I didn’t see a key in the lock so not sure if I missed it, or this was a convenient plot device to keep them safe for awhile from the horror, such as it was.

Ridiculous dialogue 

My friends are missing. Let’s all split up.

There’s nothing in here guys. (Said after stepping into the entry way and going halfway up the stairs)

We have no lights. We’re in the middle of nowhere. (said while there is literally a light shining on them)

Why? Why would they shoot an interview like this?

You are sure to fail your film class. No one wants to see
 the crew eating dinner in a documentary.

The Mermaids Curse (2019)

According to this film, mermaids do the following: walk on land;  have legs and feet instead of a mermaid tail; are super strong; have fungus on their faces; can chomp into a human neck; hiss; wear nightgowns and shoes; eat people; and can’t talk. 

Jake is having a weird week. First he caught his girlfriend and best friend in bed together. Then he got his first byline assignment writing a story about a murder, and tonight  he’s found an injured woman on the beach.  When he tells her he’ll get help, she hisses at him. He tells her not to be afraid and takes her home with him to help her. Oh my god, if anything would scare a woman, it’s that.

When he says he’ll call an ambulance, she signals no. So instead he runs a bath for her and goes to the store to get some medicine.  Poor sweet, naive, idiotic Jake.  While he’s gone, his best friend comes home to get his stuff, and Jake’s new friend kills him and eats him, bones and all.  Yes, another creature with mad house cleaning skills because there is no sign of any carnage when Jake gets back.

Jake’s girlfriend keeps trying to get him back, even though he’s not interested. Yet he keeps talking to her and she weasels her way into dinner.  But Jake hears the call of the mermaids siren song and is more interested in his new friend.  Oddly enough both his girlfriend and best friend seem to think him catching them in bed together shouldn’t be a big deal. They gaslight him like crazy trying to convince him that he should let it slide and everything can go back to like it was before.

The explanation of the mermaid curse is when things get even weirder. You see, there are no mermaids in this film.  They are witches in the ocean.  The tale says in the 1600s, sisters with the gift of the siren song were thought to be witches. So the townsfolk cut off their hands and feet so they couldn’t swim. Good god!  Then one of the women performed one last spell, (so they were witches?!?). 

The spell was they would live forever under the waves.  Wait, how is that a good thing?  Why would you do that? Shouldn’t you have let them rest In peace? Isn’t making them live forever in the ocean punishing them further? 

Most importantly, why in gods name do they have feet now when they were cut off in the 1600s? Did the ocean make them grow new feet? And where’d they get shoes for those new feet?

The problem with the siren song is when they open their mouth the sound doesn’t appear to be coming from them. It sounds like background music.  So you don’t realize it’s the siren song until it’s been going on awhile. Then to make things more confusing, later in the film the same sound is used when the girls mouths are shut. 

The most hilarious part is Jake and his news story. He’s so excited about his first potential byline.  Yet his headline is Abandoned Car Found.  Oooooo I must know more about the abandoned car.   There are murders happening and he’s fixated on the car. Also he goes out at night to sneak up to the car and take photos. He’s skulking behind bushes, running crouched over to the car, and then lifting his camera up to take a shot of whatever is inside the car before being chased off.

Ridiculous dialogue:

Things Jake’s best friend says to him after Jake walks in on his friend in bed with Jakes girlfriend:

• This girl up there, she loves you. You can’t just walk out on her.
• Don’t throw away what we have. Why are you being an asshole? You’re doing this to yourself, not me.

Jake’s girlfriend:  I know what it looked like. But it truly was the first time and only time it happened…. But I want you to know how much I really do care about you.

People are not as alarmed as they should be about her face fungus

Jake peeking out from behind something waiting for an
opportunity to sneak up to the car

Photos of a cars interior shot through the back window
at night? Oh yeah, those are going to be amazing

The Leprechaun’s Game (2020)

A rich weirdo hires a couple of sketchy guys to look for gold at the end of the rainbow. They bring in some friends and go tromping through the woods.  After a ridiculous search where they look in places there is obviously no gold, they find the treasure.  They decide to keep the gold for themselves since it’s more than the weirdo was going to pay them.  Then the leprechaun appears to retrieve his treasure and these idiots have already started spending it.

One of the weirdest things about this movie is that the leprechaun doesn’t look like a leprechaun. He’s played by a very slender, normal sized person wearing a rubber mask.

At one point, one of the guys who found the gold calls Ruby and tells her to get to Carl’s now. No time for questions because things have blown up.  Ruby goes into a church and sits down next to a policewoman to talk. After that she heads off to see a psychic. Why isn’t she going to Carl’s?  It sounded like an emergency. Why is she gallivanting around town?  The psychic tells Ruby she’s dabbling in black magic and needs a four leaf clover to end it. Even though Ruby just stole a leprechauns gold, her peach pit brain doesn’t put it together and she calls him a fraud.

Later when things go sideways and she remembers she needs the clover, she goes outside and starts running her hands over the grass, as if she can feel the difference between a clover with three or four leaves.  We are also treated to a scene where the music is so loud,  you can’t hear the person on the other end of the phone.

Another tough one to sit through, but I am fascinated by Scott Jeffreys films for the simple reason that his output is amazing. He’s cranking this junk out. So here’s to dedication. It’s impressive in quantity, rather than quality. I’m guessing the actors in these films are doing them to build up their resumes or for fun. I can’t imagine they are getting paid or how there would be any kind of budget for these films. 

Ridiculous onscreen text:

Some have claimed to have found the riches and lived a life of pure luxury, having everything they have ever hoped and dreamed of. But they are always on the run… or they have not survived long enough to tell the tale.

[The leprechaun] may take your life and soul as payment… forever.

The not so leprechaun looking leprechaun

Apparently leprechauns can conjure green mist

I wonder if the pot of gold is under the twig.

Pet Graveyard (2019)

 Nursing student Lilly is not doing well in school due to the death of her mother. Her brother Jeff dropped out to pursue other projects and Lillys advisor says she may want to follow his footsteps and take a semester off.

Jeff decides that he wants to try brinking, which is a ritual he saw online where you cross over into death so you can speak to your loved ones. He’s already found two others who want to join him.  There’s Francis, who lost his girlfriend in a car crash, and Zara who wants to talk to her brother.

Since Lilly is a nurse, Jeff asks her to be there in case something goes wrong. They also need someone to revive them after they die.  She’s not interested, but he guilt trips her into it.

They film the ritual so they can post it on online.  Each one states they are taking full responsibility for their actions. Then Jeff wraps plastic around each persons head and smothers them, before asking Lilly to do the same to him. I can’t help but think that Lilly will be expelled from her nursing program when they  find out.

Each person successfully meets their loved ones, and is revived.  But the problem is now they’re seeing their loved ones in the real world. The dead say they must come back with them because no one cheats death. Plus there is a strange cat in their house. 

This is less Pet Semetary and more Flat Liners.  The only time we see a cemetery is when they walk through one. We only see the cat a few times and no person or pet gets buried.

So many questions.  Why was Lilly willing to murder Jeff for his experiment? She got guilted into helping make sure they were revived, but he never told her she’d have to kill him.  Why does Death need a pipe wrench to kill? Shouldn’t he be able to kill with a flick of the finger? Why does Lilly decide to brink to save Jeff? Wouldn’t it make more sense for Jeff to do it since he’s already been there and they know death doesn’t want to be cheated? Why don’t they realize that if they both brink, there is no one there to wake them up or revive them if something goes wrong?  Why does each person that brinks do a big speech? Shouldn’t all of them have given their speeches in advance before the first person died? The time frame and timers are totally off because it’s going to take more than three minutes to give the speech and die. Also why do none of them realize that saying I’m taking full responsibility for my death doesn’t keep the person who suffocates you from being arrested for murder?  They still killed you.

Ridiculous dialogue:

Technically we’re not actually killing ourselves since we come back

We’re not getting into this full steam ahead without research.

There must be a better way to do this experiment than having 
someone else hold plastic over your face

The map using push pins and string to link 
photos to locations, ooooo fancy

These people gave monologues and it took time to suffocate,
yet the timers are all essentially the same.

The Legend of Halloween Jack (2018)

After the police forget to advise a murder suspect of his rights, the evidence against him and his interview are thrown out and he is released.  Policeman Frank, victims relatives Jerry and Johnny, and the mayor decide it’s time for vigilante justice and murder the suspect. The mayor forces them all to swear a vow of silence about what they’ve done.

One year later on Halloween, Johnny’s guilt over the murder causes him to commit suicide on the burial spot.  Oh damn, blood on the grave site of a serial killer is never a good thing. Before you know it, the blood seeps into the ground and revives Jack. Now Jack is on the prowl to get revenge on those who killed him. Nuff said.

There is a bizarre scene at a Halloween party with a band. Jack jumps up on stage and says trick or treat. The crowd screams in horror. Why?  It’s a Halloween party. Why would they not be admiring what they would think is his costume? They would have no idea he was a corpse risen from the dead bent on revenge. Also why is he killing them? They didn’t do anything to him. So much for proclaiming yourself innocent of murder.

The Vanished (2020)

A couple goes on a trip with their young daughter at Thanksgiving. Within an hour of stopping at an RV park, their daughter has disappeared and the sheriff is on his way. 

The parents are frantic and suspect everyone. Is it the unfriendly RV park owner? The odd handyman? The couple in the RV next door who can’t have children? Or is it the escaped prisoner that could be somewhere nearby?

As the movie winds on, we are none the wiser. The parents frantic need to find their child becomes dangerous when they accidentally kill more than one person who they suspect knows what where their child is located.

The strangest thing about this movie is although the police go looking for the child, they seem less apt at police work than the parents.  They don’t seem to search any of the houses or RV’s on the property. Are we supposed to assume they’d already checked them before they went into the woods? 

It kept my attention and I give the filmmakers credit as I never saw the ending coming. 

Blood Pi (2020)

Crazy Amber kills her parents and then asks Agnes, the plain girl in class, to come over for a make over.  She basically takes Agnes’s glasses off and dresses her in short, tight clothing. The next day at school when she sees Agnes isn’t wearing the necklace she gave her, Amber flips out and slaps her.  

The horrible sorority girls in their class hate Amber and Agnes, but they decide to ask Agnes to their party since she’s hot now. Also they know it will make Amber mad since she seems to be fixated on Agnes. Mean girl Victoria makes Agnes start calling herself Angie and sets her up to be assaulted at the frat party.  

Although Amber rescues Agnes after the assault, Agnes is not grateful. She doesn’t remember anything, plus Victoria and the other girls are her friends. She’s even pledging the sorority now.  What Agnes doesn’t know is Victoria’s plan is to roofie her and she’s put the word out there is a pledge who wants a gang bang.  

The characters in the movie are reprehensible. Even the characters who are supposed to be decent aren’t that great.  And why is everyone lusting after their professor? He’s not charming or handsome. Most importantly, how does no one recognize Amber just because she has a mask? I can recognize her and I’ve seen her for less time these characters who are in the same college class as she is.

Clown Doll (2019)

Lane stops at a second hand store and buys an ugly four foot clown doll.  I don’t know why anyone would ever want this thing. It’s not cool. It’s not cute. And it’s not creepy.  It inhabits a no mans land where there is no reason anyone would want it.

Lane’s mother gets her a nice, but temporary, apartment as a thank you for being a surrogate for her step brother and his girlfriend.  The couple don’t want to know the sex of the baby, but Lane has boundary issues. She gets the gender and wants to tell them.  She is also considering keeping the baby.  Yikes!

When she gets a phone call that’s a wrong number, unlike a normal person, she gets into a conversation with the guy and finds out his name is Oliver.  Oliver keeps calling and Lane keeps talking.  Every time the calls occur, the clown in her house starts rocking in the rocking chair.  Just like with the clown purchase, I’m not sure why Lane would do this.  I’m guessing the guy’s supposed to be charming, but he sounds super creepy.  Lanes decision making process is just off.

As people around her start disappearing, the police suspect Lane. Even her step brother thinks she might be on something since she seems kind of crazy. Mom seems to have an issue with decision making also since she gets angry at the police for questioning Lane when she’s pregnant. 

This is a fairly tedious slog to get through.  Questions abound: why didn’t Mom notice a four foot clown doll in the backseat of her car? Why did she plug a radio in right next to the tub? Why does Lisa not believe someone was on the phone when she heard it ring? Why does Lane think she’s being accused of something when they are asking where her friend is?  Is there a reason you can’t cut the clowns head off or rip it’s arms off? Why can’t anyone stop this thing?

Ridiculous dialogue that will totally make the police think you’re guilty of murdering your friend:

Police: Josh explained he didn’t see her all day.

Lane: Uh sorry. What’s going on here? Are you accusing me of something?

Why would anyone want to buy this clown?

Ouija House (2018)

 When her mothers house goes through foreclosure, Laurie pushes to finish her research in the paranormal in the hope she can buy back the house with the money from her upcoming publishing deal.  When she tells her mother she’s going to an old family property, her mother warns her to stay away due to the history of witchcraft.

Laurie, her boyfriend Nick, along with friends Spence and Tina head out to the house where they met up with her cousin Sam.  The caretaker unexpectedly shows up and gets upset because Sam said she was going to be there alone.  They ignore his warnings and make excuses as to why they’re going to stay.

When they find a ouija board in the house, they decide to play. The rules are: never play alone; never play where someone has been murdered; and always say good bye.  They decide to break rule two by playing in the house. 

After some strange goings on, skanky Tina decides she wants to be a human ouija board, draws letters on her body, and grabs a large smooth stone to use as the planchette. Why, Tina, why?  And why does Laurie  go along with it? There is tension in the group because last month Tina kissed Laurie’s boyfriend at a party. No way would I want my boyfriends hands anywhere near this womans body.

The human ouija experience gets worse when the stone used as the planchette moves up her body, into her mouth, and down her throat. No one tries to stop it. They just stand there and stare while she chokes.  Apparently no one knows the Heimlich maneuver because no one tries to dislodge the stone in her throat. 

To make things weirder, it turns out the house is actually a ouija board. This leads to the most ridiculous scenes where they uncover the letters underneath the wallpaper in various places in the house and play a real life game of ouija with the possessed ouija board girl growling and running from letter to letter to spell out messages.  Gadzooks movie, how? Why? 

Ridiculous dialogue:

Caretaker: There’s mold in the house. It’s not safe if you breathe it.

Idiot: Oh can’t we just stay a few days?

Ouija Exorcism (2015)

When Joe was a kid, he took a ouija board from his fathers room and brought it to his friend Max’s house for a sleep over.  When they used it, things wet horribly wrong because a demon trapped in the board was released.

Joe was put in foster care after the incident and has no relationship with his father. When his father dies, they have a a gathering at the house where he reconnects with a girl he knew as a child who used to have a crush on him.

She invites him and his son Noah to join her, her daughter, and her boyfriend at the house they rented for the weekend.  This is a really weird set up. Would anyone really invite someone they hadn’t seen in thirty years to go on vacation with them?

Joe and Noah decide to go. But what Joe doesn’t know is that Noah brought the ouija board, which he found in his grandfathers house.  Things don’t go well because Noah unintentionally releases the demon.

This is a rough one.Amusement is to be had at the dishing washing scene where both the dishes and the dish cloth are dry.   And his childhood friend seems nuts.  She tells Joe they’ve been friends their whole lives. When he says he hasn’t seen her in thirty years, she angrily says, “How dare you! Do you have any idea how hard it was for me the first time you left?”  Lady, you were ten years old. Yes, it sucks to lose a friend but if you’re still traumatized thirty years later, you have issues.

Ouija Warehouse (2021)

Matt invites Kay and Noah over to help decorate for a party. But what he really means is he wants them to clean up a spare room full of junk. It’s not clear why this room would need to be touched at all, since this appears to be an office and a warehouse with a bunch of small rooms off a long hallway. Just have the party in another room.

The two find a ouija board and start to play with it. If you want to hear someone ask, “is anybody there” about twenty times, then this scene is for you.  

Elaine, who I think it Matt’s mom, is irritated at everything and super controlling.  She sends Matt out to get a cake even though someone else is planning on bringing one.  She yells at Noah and Kay because they are playing with the ouija rather than working, even though they were invited to decorate, not clean.  She’s mad at Candy from the party store who supplied free balloons in exchange for free studio time, because the balloons should have been a different color. She’s mad at Lynette because she doesn’t know who invited her so she puts her to work cleaning shelves.  She’s mad at Star who was hired to strip. And she’s mad again at Noah and Kay because Noah wouldn’t have gotten injured if he’d been working rather than playing with the ouija. Can someone please hit Elaine in the head or lock her in a closet until this is over?

This is a bunch of people wandering around trying to get things set up for a party that never happens. And why they need that little room cleaned is never explained. Why does the party need to be in that room? Why can’t it be in the large room at the end of the hall? And why didn’t Matt clean the room since he lives there?

The most confusing part of this movie is when they use the ouija board. The messages are random acronyms, yet they understand each one. Since when does a ouija use acronyms?  It spells out ISBL and they say okay we’re talking to Isabella. Then it spells JNUS. Oh it’s saying join us.  RTHR. Oh it’s right here.  How would anyone get that from those letters?

Also when Noah gets a head injury, they give him alcohol. Jesus, that’s the last thing you should do if someone needs to lie down after hitting their head.  And they know the ouija rules are you need to say goodbye, but Kay is totally cavalier about it, and says they’ll do it later. That’s not how saying goodbye works

Ridiculous dialogue:

Star: Are you the sound person?

Lynette: I don’t think so.

Matt: What is going on?

Michael: You guys will figure it out.

Deadly Promises (2020)

Dillon lives with his Uncle Max and likes Meagan.  Total douche Travis also likes Meagan, but he thinks he’s so hot that she’s not in his league. He’s got that backwards.

Dillon has lived with his uncle since his parent were killed in a car accident, maybe six or eight years ago.  After Travis gets Dillon suspended, Dillon is assigned chores around the house.  When he stumbles across the keys to the basement, he decides to unlock the door and see what’s down there. It is a horrible decision.

The hardest part about this is suspending disbelief that someone could live in a house for six to eight years and never go into the basement.  You would want to know what’s down there and why your uncle kept it locked.  And there are sounds down there. Granted, you’re never going to think he’s got someone in a cage, but you certainly would feel like something untoward is going on.

One Remains (2019)

A documentary film crew heads to the mountains to interview Mr. Mahoney about the Pass Incident, where a group of hikers went missing. Mahoney was the ranger on duty who went looking for them and found them dead.  The camp was still intact with food on the fire, but the bodies were away from the campsite. It’s still a mystery as to what happened.

The group stays at an isolated house on a mountain across from Mahoney's house.  Mahoney is a little squirrely so they've been told to be careful with their interactions because he has good days and bad days.

Even though they're there to work, they spend the first night getting drunk, and hooking up. Hanna proves to be not only a bad intern, but stupid when she asks for the wi-fi password after they've been told there is no reception on the mountain.

Mahoney mentions he has video of the day of the search which the group wants to see. There is an awkward moment when Mahoney thinks one of the women is his dead wife Kathy and freaks out. "He thinks all women are Kathy," his sons says, in a bit of information that definitely should have been provided beforehand.

With the night at an awkward end, one of the group steals the video on the way out.  Back at their cabin, they watch the tape only to find it shows each of their deaths.  How is this on the tape? Is it a prank or a predictor of things to come?  And why do the Mahoney not only give the film crew a house to stay in, but stock the fridge? Why can’t they pay for their own food. He’s doing them a favor by allowing them to stay for free and interview his dad. 

Hey movie, what's up with having so many unlikeable characters? Most of the film crew are jerks. The cameraman is condescending. The intern resents having to do grunt work. There's a loud girl who doesn't like it when she's not the center of attention, and there’s an annoying Christian girl.

Watch for the phone that keeps ringing after it’s picked up. The premise of the hikers being found dead mirrors the real life incident at Dyatlov Pass incident in Russia.

Condescending dialogue from annoying characters:

Yeah. It's a documentary. We document.

Fucking actors. Say your line, line sayer.

Cupid (2020)

When bully Elyse finds out Faye has a crush on Mr. Jones, Elyse steals his phone and sends texts to Faye pretending the teacher likes her too. Faye is super excited since she thinks the love spell she put on him is working.   

Elyse gets Faye to send photos and also leads her to believe that she should come to his room after school.  Faye is roundly humiliated when Mr. Jones reacts negatively. She is even more humiliated when  Elyse plays footage of the prank during class.

Faye is so upset she summons Cupid, because apparently you can do that if you’re being abused. She asks Cupid to destroy love in the school. A human sized cupid shows up and starts murdering everyone.

It’s not clear where this is supposed to take place. Mr. Jones starts out with an English accent, but then seems to have an American accent for the rest of the film. 

This was tough to watch. I didn’t enjoy anything about it. It’s tedious and the actors playing the teenagers seem to be the same age as the teachers.

Tooth Fairy 2: Root of Evil

A group of friends from college rent a cottage for a weekend. Edgar invites Corey, who is so awkward he makes people really uncomfortable.  Paul hates Corey because there was a killer in their hometown who killed his relatives, but Corey managed to survive and blamed the killings on the tooth fairy. Paul thinks Corey had something to do with the murders.    

Actually it seems like the only people on the trip who like Corey are his best friend Edgar and Jess, a girl he has a crush on.  The other girls think Corey is mental. I guess I can see their point since he’s running around in the yard holding his head.  Also he’s yelling “leave me alone” at those voices in his head.

When Paul says they should spend the first night trying to summon a demon, surprisingly Corey is in. This leads down the path to a prank gone wrong, Corey being threatened, the tooth fairy being unleashed, and doppelgängers with raccoon eyes.  

The people in this movie aren’t that bright. Even once they realize someone  is killing people, they don’t find anything strange about someone all of a sudden acting weird and having raccoon eyes. Plus Corey shows up covered in blood, acting weird, and people are dead, but Jess is still willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.  

The sound in this movie is a problem.  You can hear the white noise cut in and out as the shots change. Sometimes the sound is overblown like they set the levels too high, while other times it sounds like something is rubbing on the mic.  Occasionally it seems like there may even be a different voice saying the characters lines. Or the voices sound like they’re further away when they’re standing in the same place as the other actors.  

Also the foley is way off.  You hear what you think is the sound of rain, but then it’s supposed to be a fire burning.  Or a girl runs and the sound of her feet hitting the ground makes it seem like she’s made out of lead.   

Cannibal Troll (2021)

 A group of girl friends go camping in the woods, even after receiving a warning from a priest not to go north. I guess to be fair, the trail is marked with signs so it seems okay to hike there. However you may want to take a warning from a local seriously. He’ll be more aware if there has been trouble in the area.  

There is drama in the group. One girl is pregnant but wants to find a man, the bride isn’t sure if she should get married, and the friend she previously had an affair with wants to admit she’s in love with her.

The next day they go on a hike and stumble across a cabin in the woods. They go up to the door and knock. When no one answers, they decide to go in and check it out. 

Why do people in horror movies insist on going into other people’s houses?  I could see if the house were boarded up, or all the windows were broken out, or the front door was missing, and the place looked deserted. But this is a house full of possessions and it looks lived in. You are breaking and entering.

When a panicked girl runs up and says they need to run because something is chasing her, the brides mom doesn’t grasp the seriousness of the situation and keeps asking her questions.  This leads to a troll onslaught. Also if you’re in a strangers house and you find blood on the floor, you may be in danger. The rest of the movie is the women trying to escape the troll. 

This is an effort in patience to get through.  The biggest issue is a cannibal troll would, by definition, eat other trolls. Yet this one eats humans.  So many questions: why did they bring stemmed wine glasses on an overnight hike? How do trolls know how to open car doors?  How did the troll buy a house? Where did the money come from? Where did it get pots, pans, and furniture? Who pays the trolls utility bills?

Centipede (2004)

When his best friend David gets engaged, Jake decides the bachelor party will be in India where they will go caving at Shanlaki Caverns.  Everyone has agreed to go, including David’s ex girlfriend Sara who is now dating his friend Dirk.  What a terrible idea.

The caverns are three miles deep and only eight people have ever been to the bottom.  If these lunkheads know about this cavern, then it seems odd that so few people have explored them.  

They meet up with their guide and start caving. David and Sara don’t seem very bright when they jump into the hole and race to see who can rappel down the fastest.  Before we know it, the entire group has traveled through the cave system to the bottom. Well that was easy. It looks like once they got into the caves, they could walk the rest of the way. So why have only eight people been down here?

Oh that would be because the cave is filled with man sized centipedes, which they will discover shortly after an accident causes a cave in and they have to find another way out.  They band together and come up with a plan, but the longer things go on, the more they fall apart. Some of the group realizes there is something in the caves with them, while others are clueless.

By this point, the authorities have discovered they have gone to the cavern without permission and that they are trapped. So there is a concentrated effort to try to find them.  

I’ve never been caving before, but it seems odd that all the men are wearing either long sleeve shirts or multiple layers, while the women are wearing crop top tank tops.  

In one scene they find a supply bunker, Sara runs off to find David who is still in the caves. When the others look for her, they shout her name. Sara and David see them and keep saying “shhhhhh” but Dirk asks “what’s wrong?”  It’s like he’s forgotten they’ve just spent the day being chased by giant centipedes and all their friends are dead.

Sara is super annoying. She is dating Dirk but she’s far more concerned about David’s safety.  If David is holding a flare to keep the centipede at bay, Sara must be held back from running towards him.  And when she gets free from their grasp, does she help David? Nope, she runs up next to him and stands there holding his arm. She’s useless.  

While it wasn’t a great movie, it did have a 90s feel to it and was kind of entertaining.  The romance between David and Sara was a pain point.  The music in the film seemed to mirror the game Centipede as it would get faster and faster as the centipede got closer. The two biggest questions I have at the end of the movie are:  why did they bring flares into a cavern; and why does everyone hate David’s fiancé? 

Ridiculous dialogue:

High society types, I know. Whatever. It’s New Hampshire.

You’ve wanted this for a long time and now in three months you’ll be Master Stone of New Hampshire.

Owen - I just saw the larvae but these things were huge, man. They’re huge and there’ s a whole hive of them.

Dirk - Owen, calm down. It’s probably just some weird maggot or something.

I can budge this damn door.