Bachelor Games (2016)

 Leon goes on a weekend bachelor party in Argentina with his best man and a few friends. The first night is spent getting drunk at a bar, which doesn’t bode well for everyone the next day when they get up early to hike into the hills.  One of the guys hires a guide, which would be great if only he was actually from the area. But he’s not, so none of them know where to go.

There is a local legend about a man called the Hunter. He was murdered by the father of the woman he loved. Dad was pretty hard core since dogs ripped the hunters head off.  Now his spirit searches for those with darkness in their hearts and makes them pay.

The group stumbles across a small town that isn’t on the map and has a building with a giant shrine to the hunter. One of the guys steals a cross from the alter. Good god man, not only does this show a lack of respect, but don’t you know that you never steal from a sacred site? Either the local legend will come true, or someone local who believes the legend will kill you.  Also you’re in a foreign country and you don’t know the laws. Never do anything that could mean you end up in jail in another county.

A number of hours into the hike, they discover the person responsible for bringing food forgot it. One of the group gives up and heads back to town. But a short time later they find his shirt on the rocks covered in blood and a figure appears in the distance on the rocks.  Is it the Hunter?  Is the legend true? Do we care? No, we don’t.  

The characters are either a little too soft or too arrogant. Also if you’re in the middle of nowhere and get stabbed in the leg, don’t pull the knife out. It may keep the blood from spurting. Oh my god, the guy who did that is a nurse?!? How did he not know that?

The Stalker (2020)

Steve is a businessman who decides the way to fix his money problems is fire Mark and take his bonus.  When Steve tells his wife Wendy about it, she wonders if Mark will be ok. Steve assures her he’ll be fine and says she can buy a new car.  These are our protagonists and we already hate them.

Cut to a year later and Wendy is being stalked. When she sees someone in the yard at night, she pulls a gun and shoots him without saying a word. She just flat out murdered a meter reader.  The couple never check to see if he may be alive or try to get him help.

Since she doesn’t want to go to jail, the family flees to their lake house, making them even more unlikeable. For a woman being stalked, they aren’t very careful.  The stalker calls right after the murder so he is obviously watching them. Yet they drive directly from their house to their cabin.

Steve and Wendy are cavalier about things which would be alarming if you were being stalked. When their son says someone was following him in the woods, they tell him he imagined it. A cop shows up asking about her son Hayden’s friend, and Hayden says his Mom wouldn’t call the cops since she didn’t expect him back for another day. But Wendy says let the cop do his job. Or she and Steve come home and can’t find the boys, but never consider the stalker may have upped his game. 

The filmmaker has done the actress playing Wendy a real disservice.  There is nothing wrong with how she looks. Yet there is also no reason every male character who sees her, or hears her voice, should immediately want her.  Is she gorgeous, fit, charming, engaging, flirtatious? No to all of the above. She looks like anyone you would see at work or in the supermarket. Nothing wrong with her, but everyone acts as if shes a model.  They all think she’s so hot - her sons friends, the pizza guy, the cable guy, the stalker.  The cable guy became enthralled just by hearing her voice. Once he sees her photo, there are some awkward moments where he forgets what he’s doing and just stands there staring at it. I think the only male character she interacted with who didn’t immediately want her was the guy who took the pizza order over the phone. 

So many nonsensical things about this one:

• Steve and Wendy are crappy parents. When they wonder why their son went upstairs early, they send the other kid to find out. You’re the parents. You go check on him. 
• Hayden jumped out a second story window to go to a party, yet only needs a boost from a friend to get back in. 
• After the murder, Wendy says they can’t call the police because the stalker told her he’d kill her sons. Yet she already called the police earlier that day asking for help.
• The cable guy installs the cable the same day she calls.  
• As soon as the guy who takes Wendy’s order hangs up the phone and asks for a delivery drives, the pizza guy grabs two pizza’s sitting on the counter and runs out to deliver them.  Do they cook pizza’s in advance in case someone orders? Do they only have one type of pizza? How did he know she wanted two? The only info communicated was they need a driver for her address.
• Why has the no one ever considered Mark could be the stalker?
• How does Wendy stop Mark with a jackknife?
• Why does the family dispose of the stalkers body rather than calling the police?  
• In the scene after the credits, why does Steve have no peripheral vision?
• Whose body is in the trunk? I thought they left the meter reader in the yard, packed their bags and headed to the lake. They talk about using the lake house as an alibi, which I’m not sure why they’d need if they didn’t leave the meter reader in the yard. If the body was actually the meter reader, then the dialogue was not clear.
• Where does Steve work that getting rid of an employee entitles him to that employees bonus?

Crazily enough, part two is currently in preproduction. Well they got me. I’m going to need to see if it’s as nonsensical as this one. This is only 60 minutes, but it feel like a full length movie.

Also it’s a problem when the most likeable character in this movie is the stalker.  I suppose the kids are okay, but Steve and Wendy are terrible people. Mark is far more likable because he’s getting revenge against those who have wronged him.  They ruined his life so they could steal his bonus to fund living beyond their means.

Ridiculous Dialogue

Pizza Guy (to Wendy) - “Woah, woah, woah, woah, let me get the door for you, pretty lady.  (When they get inside, her sniffs her hair).

Pizza guy (to cashier) - “Oh man, she’s hot. And I’m pretty sure she’s really into me. Do you know if she’s available?” 

Cable guy (to Steve) - “Hi I’m Leon. Is Wendy here?… I uh I talked to her on the phone, yeah… She sounds like a really nice lady by the way. Good job, yeah…. So you and the boys are gone all day leaving that beautiful wife of yours here all alone?”

Wendy looks like anyone you might see on the street.
Yet every man who sees or talks to her is spell bound.

Harvest Moon (2007)

Adam inherits his families apple orchard and invites his friends to join him to harvest the crop.  Adam has one worker who he treats like dirt and he’s kind of a dick to his friends. But hey, this is a beautiful orchard so let’s all enjoy it.  

The first night he warns everyone it’s dangerous to be outside.  He doesn’t provide any info as to what danger they should be aware of, but there are clippings that show his mother and sister were apparently killed by wolves in separate incidents.

I should have known this wasn’t going to be good when it had two of the three signs of a bad movie - boobs before the credits and a sudden jump to present day after an initial set up.   

The most ridiculous part of the movie is that the killer gags his victims with apples. It’s the most inefficient gag ever. Apples are edible! You can bite through them!  Although I guess they’re picking victims who aren’t that bright since they seem to struggle with this concept.

Tomorrow, When the War Began (2010)

A group of teens goes on a weekend camping trip and returns to find Ellie’s parents are gone. A check of the others homes reveal their  parents have disappeared as well. 

One of the kids cautions that they should stay hidden because they don't know what is actually going on and they saw fighter jets when they were hiking.  A few of the teens sneak into town that night and find a compound with spotlights where all the townsfolk are corralled inside.

This is basically an Australian version of Red Dawn.  Ellie is supposed to be heroic, sensitive and strong. Yet she may be stupider than the others. There are multiple incidences of her revealing herself when she should be hidden, or being loud when they should be quiet, and just not being careful.  Based on their actions, I can't believe they could actually survive.

The movie doesn't have any sort of resolution. Apparently it was based on a book and there were to be sequels that never happened.

Hallowed Be Thy Name (2020)

After his Mom gets divorced, she and Devon move in with her mother. Devon isn't happy about moving away from his friends but meets Mick the first day at school. Mick lives across the street and is friends with Skylar who just got dumped by the star football player.

Skylar wants Mick and Devon to go to a cave with her to make a wish. Devon doesn't want to go, but she says her Mom has cancer and thinks this is the only way to save her.  

Later that day at the cave, Skylar has no idea why they are mentioning cancer. She’s forgotten her lie and has to admit she really wanted to wish for her boyfriend back.  Surprisingly they don't kick her ass or never speak to her again. But they do steal an offering from the cave, not realizing a demon will come for them for stealing his stuff. 

They spend the rest of the movie trying to survive and figure out how to stop the demon. The biggest question is why is anyone friends with Skylar? She thinks nothing of being manipulative, lying, being condescending or rude. She insults people when they don't do what she wants. It's inexcusable to lie about someone in your family having cancer so people will go along with  what you want. 

Dialogue that makes one wonder why anyone would be friends with Skylar:

After walking for more than an hour and finding out Skylar has no idea where the cave is -

Mick: If I would have known you did not know where we were going, I'd be at home at this point,

Skylar: God,you're so fucking annoying.

Mick: If we don't find this place in the next fifteen minutes, we're going home.

Skylar: Oh my god. you're getting on my last damn nerve. You're such a diva.

Devon: Skylar was just being Skylar. (after knowing her for one day and excusing all her terrible behavior)

Legend of Six Fingers (2013)

Neil and Andrew decide to make a documentary about Six Fingers, a beast rumored to be responsible for a recent spate of disappearances and killings of domestic animals. They pretend to be film students doing a class project because they figure people will be more likely to talk to them.

Their approach would be likely to get them punched in the face. They go house to house ringing doorbells and when anyone opens the door  the camera is already rolling. You can’t do that unless you are the news. Also you’d really want someone more personable than Neil doing the interviewing. 

Neil is off putting and I’m unsure whether the actor was doing a character or whether he’s really awkward. If it was a character choice, then why? 

Andrew is completely unlikeable. He mutters insults under his breath when they interview people. He takes girls home and leaves his camera on hoping he can convince them to take their clothes off. When he has a party, his friends are just as bad, with one guy being even more repulsive.

When Neil and Andrew finally interview someone who believes in Six Fingers, they end up camping in the woods. They want proof of the creature  and to solve the mystery of the disappearing pets. Since this is a found footage movie, we know that they are going to meet an untimely end of some sort. But since Sam in unlikeable, and Neil is off putting, there aren’t really any sympathetic characters to root for.

Questions you’ll have at the end are:Why did they show Neil slurping cereal? Why does the figure on the beer bottle look like Elton John? I’m assuming it was some local beer where the label was displayed to promote the brand, but I couldn’t read it.  Why is Neils shirt wet? It’s not wet all over, but a huge area on the chest and neck? Why would anyone want to sleep with Drew? He’s not gorgeous enough to overlook that his personality sucks. Why does Six Fingers just follow them around rather than killing them immediately? If the exposition is on camera, then why didn’t the person being filmed get rid of the evidence?

Snapper: The Man-Eating Turtle Movie That Never Got Made (2021)

Snapper is a 30 minute documentary about two friends in Worcester Massachusetts who decided to make a horror movie about a killer snapping turtle.  They worked with a local effects guy to build a turtle, but could only afford to construct the head. There was a smaller turtle for full body shots.

In 1991 they shot footage for a trailer to try to promote interest and get financial backing for the project. The actors were typical of any indie film from the early 90s.  They had a stuntman who went all out for stunts, such as setting himself on fire and falling off a fire escape, or crashing a car.  

They shot on film because they wanted to be seen as real filmmakers. They had high hopes for responses when they sent the trailer out, but nothing ever came from it and the project was scrapped.

This is a really interesting documentary and a nice peek into regional indie filmmaking in the late 80/early 90s.  There is behind the scenes footage and interviews with both filmmakers and the effects guy.  The filmmakers are still friends, have a great fondness for the film, and seem like nice guys. The effects guy was also a sculptor and went on to sculpt Star Wars figures for Hasbro.

I’m not sure if this is available online or dvd yet. I saw it at a showing with another indie movie. The director John Campopiano was there and seemed like a really nice guy.  He also also made Unearthed and Untold: The Path to Pet Semetary.  

I really enjoyed this. At 30 minutes, it’s leaves you wanting more, which is much better than overstaying it’s welcome. The topic was interesting since I love regional indie movies from the 80s/90s. Unlike today when anyone can make a movie, you had to be dedicated and really make an effort to shoot a film.  

Thirst (2015)

A bunch of city kid delinquents are sent to an outward bound type program where they'll spend several weeks with Bert, an ex fighter, and Claire, who isn't very likable.  Nephew Roth is drafted to help out when the other staff member doesn't show up.   The purpose of the camp is to teach these spoiled troublemakers to work together as a team and stop being such jerks.  However they didn't count on an alien in the desert who wants to kill them.

After stumbling across a crashed truck with a dead body, Bert wants to turn back so they can inform the authorities.  Since they need money, Claire brow beats Bert into waiting until after the camp is over, even though they know the dead man.

Later that night a stampede comes through their camp and we discover Clair is unable to function in emergency situations. This is not a good quality for someone in charge of troubled kids in the desert. Yet as Claire becomes less capable, Roth's character arc increases.  He's on a collision course with the girl who hated him at the beginning of the film. But now that they're being chased by an alien, she's gone from whining that he's a perv, to telling him she feels safer when he's around.

The movie is pretty predictable. Everything follows a path that's been done before.  It's not horrible, just  pretty average. The most amusing part of the movie is when the teens are told to go go GO to the cave a couple miles away where they keep their supplies. They all start running, even though no one has mentioned which direction to go or provided instructions on how to get there.

What the Waters Left Behind (2017)

A group of people travel in a van to the town of Epecuen, which flooded years ago when a dam broke.  After 28 years the water has receded. So they plan to make a documentary and are traveling with a survivor of the flood to interview her in the ruins of the town.

On the way there, they stop for gas and to use the restroom. I’m not sure why they stopped at this gas station. When they pulled up, I thought it was an abandoned building. Inside is an old woman with dirt on her face, a filthy bathroom, and a couple of creepy guys who act like predators. There are a few unpleasant exchanges before the group drives off.

At the site of the flood, they split up into groups and start filming. When they get back to the van, they don’t notice their gas line is cut. You would think they might smell it. After their van dies, they are approached by a stranger who ends up being a man looking for his missing daughter.  He offers to take one of them with him to go get help. Unfortunately there are other people in the area who have evil intentions, and people start dying.

This was shot in Argentina and Epecuen is a real town that flooded. That’s the most interesting part of this film. Otherwise it’s just a bunch of hillbillies wearing animal skulls on their heads and killing innocent people. And maybe I missed it but what happened to the father looking for his daughter? Did he just fade into the background? I don’t remember him dying, but he’s not in the movie anymore. Is it me or did they just figure no one would miss him since he was a red herring?

Lake Mungo (2008)

While on a family picnic at the beach, Alice disappears and days later her body is discovered in the lake. Shortly afterwards odd things start happening in the families home. Her brother sets up a video camera and seems to capture Alice’s ghost. He also captures a similar image in a photo taken of the backyard.

The family hires a psychic but don’t get any answers. More cameras are set up and they catch a person searching Alice’s room. As time goes on they find out things about Alice that they didn’t know, and discover Alice had nightmares about drowning.

This is not horror in the typical way you’d expect. While there is an overall creepiness to it, there are no big scares. And if you’re expecting some big pay off at the end, you’ll be left disappointed. But it is a great fake documentary.  If I stumbled across this on TV, I’d think this was real because unlike most found footage movies, the actors seem very natural.  It held my attention, but I as it neared the end I was wondering if anything was really going to happen.  Think of this as if it’s a true crime documentary. A tragedy happens and the documentarians interview people, provide context, details of what happened and then sum up the story. There isn’t a huge final act because it’s not building up to a huge scare. It’s telling the tale of a tragedy. 

Bats (2021)

10 years after nuclear contamination caused a town to be evacuated, people are told they can come back.  Most people don’t care since they’ve started new lives elsewhere. 

One family goes to their grandfathers house and finds a human sized bat in the attic.  The bat had previously killed kids who were partying in the house. The bat must be really adept at cleaning blood because there is no sign of the carnage that occurred. Also did it consume the kids entire bodies, bones and all?

The whole thing makes no sense.  The house has been abandoned for ten years, yet the water and electricity still work.  Multiple remarks are made about the dust in the house, but everything is clean.  If the movie weren’t named Bats, I wouldn’t know what the creature was supposed to be. Also I don’t think there is anything specific to it being a bat, since it’s the size of a human and does nothing bat like.  

Worst of all, one of the teen or college age daughters is the least convincing crier in movie history.  It reminded me of some purposely fake crying I’d seen in an episode of Black Adder.  Did the filmmakers think this was good, or was it just the best she could do and they gave up?  It is so bad that it becomes the only thing you can focus on. Not only do you want to slap her, you’re praying for a bat attack. Just make it stop.

Finders Keepers (2018)

Five urban explorers travel five hundred miles to visit an abandoned school and then spend most of their time doing other things.  These guys are the worst explorers ever.  They drive hundreds of miles without knowing where the school is located,  get in a fight with a couple creepy guys in town, and when they finally locate the school, the passage they were told to use to get in has been boarded up. Also why would they have specific instructions on how to enter the school, but not on how to get there? Seems like a major oversight. 

They use a crowbar to break in, pull a few pranks on each other, and then pick rooms to sleep in for the night.  That’s just weird and a total waste of a night.   They talk about how no one can see their flashlights since all the windows are boarded up. Yet as they speak the moonlight from a window is reflected in the hallway, and later when decide to bed down for the night, you can see the reflection of the light through every window in the room. 

The group ignores basic safety precautions by having everyone wandering off on their own in this huge building. Plus three of the five seem to have no interest in the building at all. So why are they even on this trip? Dani spends her time in the gym working out or sitting around. While Eric shoots topless photos of his girlfriend Courtney. 

They’re still there the next night when a crowd gathers outside for a fight. They stay quiet until the thugs leave, but then hear a woman screaming for help as men sexually assault her.  Courtney insists Eric go down to stop them.  While that’s the right thing to do, it’s not the smart thing to do since it’s four against one and you have no idea what sort of weapons they have.  As expected things go horribly wrong, and dumbass Courtney betrays her location inside the building and the hunt is on. 

If there’s one thing that drives me nuts, it’s when people are hiding from someone who is going to kill them, but instead of being quiet, they get in a fight or start screaming about what is going on.  Or they’re hiding but they inexplicably stand up and start talking loudly which progresses to screaming. Yes, you’re freaked out, but shut the hell up so you don’t get killed. 

Based on the cover, it looks like the group is going to find something paranormal in the abandoned building. But instead the threat is middle aged deviants. There is nothing supernatural in the school or anywhere in the movie. The face on the cover doesn’t even seem to be anyone in the film.

Also while the cover says Finders Keepers, the title card said Danny LeGare’s Finders Keepers. Are we supposed to know who that is?  Why do I care that he made this film? I would expect this with a director whose name is going to bring in viewers, like Martin Scorsese or Stanley Kubrick, but not with someone who doesn’t have a name in the movie business.  

Secrets of the Clown (2007)

Val comes home to find Bobby hiding under the bed trying to scare her. Bobby is a grown man who doesn't understand that's not a good prelude to asking Val to jump into bed, or that trying to cajole her with the words, "It'll be quick" is not a great selling point either.  

When Val leaves Bobby, his best friend Jim comes to the house. As they drink. Jim talks bad about Val and smashes a bottle of alcohol over her clown doll.  What a weird thing to do. When Val calls Bobby, Jim steps outside and is murdered on the back porch.

A month later Bobby and his friends go to visit Jim's grave. Bobby gets in a fight with Jon, who runs away like a big baby and ends up  murdered in his car.  At the funeral, Bobby tells the gathering Jon was the best friend anyone could ever have. Uhhh, he hated your girlfriend, betrayed your trust, laughed at your fears, and scoffed at you while calling you stupid.

They hire a psychic to come to the house for a seance. But Bobby's friends start the seance while the psychic is talking to him and an evil spirit breaks a light in Ken's face.  Instead of taking him to the hospital, Bobby uses tweezers to remove glass from Ken's face and eyes. 

When Louie is attacked outside by a musclebound clown, inexplicably he tries to get in the window.  If he only made his way to the door, perhaps he could have been saved.

This is the type of film that makes you ask, are these actors?  The movie opens with boobs before the credits which is a sure sign the movie is going to be bad. The dubbed sound track is slightly off so the voices don’t quite match the mouths which can be distracting.  I do give the movie credit for the most dramatic blind closing I’ve ever seen.

Ridiculous dialogue:

Bobby: Someimtes I think Jim's spirit it still in my house.

Jon (condescendingly): You're joking, right? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard

This clown is of significance, but why?

Luckily the spell I cast transferred Jim's life force to the clown doll before the demon could transfer it to the psychic.

Nothing strange about this doll.

Bobby’s questionable taste in decorating

I’ll just use these tweezers to take the glass
shards out of your eyes

If your friend is this messed up, stop using tweezers
and take him to the hospital.

Never get into a car with a man who looks like this.

The fabulous seance and ouija board scene

Tail Sting (2001)

A flight from Australia to the US contains a biohazard crate with genetic experiments. Sounds perfectly safe. Nothing could possibly go wrong... unless one of the scientists planned to betray his colleagues by selling their discovery to the highest bidder. Damn. 

Scott hires people to hijack the specimens on their way to the plane, but security prevents the loss which leaves Scott with the task of stealing them. He goes into the cargo hold in the middle of the flight and moves the specimens into an empty coffin sitting nearby.  

Scott isn't much of a thinker.  The scorpions are suspended in liquid in a cylindrical container. Scott never considers there is nothing to ensure they stay upright and safe in the empty coffin.  He also doesn't notice that the coffin is balanced on some smaller boxes which are not stable at all.

And voila, we have scorpions on a plane. But not just any scorpions. These were crossed with Paleolithic  scorpion DNA. In no time at all, the scorpions have grown to six feet long. Oddly enough, this doesn't hinder their movements through the plane. They are able to get into the bathroom and cockpit without being seen. 

Thankfully not all the scientists are evil and Scott's ex Jennifer is there to save the day.  But you do have to wonder about Jennifer. She dated Scott for three years and couldn't tell he was unethical? He doesn't seem like a master gaslighter, and Jennifer seems confident.  Did he start going down hill and that's why she broke up with him. It's a mystery.

So many questions. 

• How did no one notice two passengers going through a trap door in the aisle into the cargo hold? 
• How did the scorpion get into a tiny bathroom already occupied by two people?  
• How did the scorpion manage to get into the cockpit without being seen? Also is locking it in the cockpit really going to contain it? 
• Why does Jennifer, who's never had a conversation with pilot Jack, think it's appropriate to give him advice on getting over his dead wife in the middle of an emergency?  
• Why do movies think it's a good idea for people to flirt during life threatening situations? Isn't that a red flag regarding their potential as a partner?  
• How did the scorpion liquid get cleaned from the interior of the coffin so Jennifer and Jack could hide in it? 
• Why is it blue outside the windows of the plane? Did they forget to put something in there in post?
• Why does Jennifer take time to curl her hair and put it in an up do before fighting the scorpion?
• And most importantly, why does pilot Jack ask Jennifer if he can use her credit card to make a phone call? I know he gave her reasons, but they are so ridiculous I still can't believe the movie went with it.

Ridiculous dialogue:

Hey doc, you're one of these science people, right?

I knew the cloning process would quadruple their size, but not this fast!

Alright, enough jibber jabber.

Say what you want, that girl got moxie.

Philip: Just how big is this big ass son of a bitch in the cockpit?

Pilot: Big
Scott: Mighty big or....?
Pilot: Yeah

Creative idea for protection, but the angle is not
efficient to do anything but stab yourself in the face

Always good to have an empty coffin to hide in

If I’m in a life or death situation, I don’t want
someone flirting with the pilot.

Your pilot is flying blind. I repeat, the pilot is blind

Ghostbusters

Using defibrillates for weapons. And why there is
so much empty space in that cabin?

It’s great that she had time to curl her hair before
changing clothes and fighting the scorpion

Blackout (2014)

You know you're in trouble when the movie has a bible quote before the credits.  Four college students go hiking in the woods, a couple arrives in a small town and a survivalist is prepared when a blackout hits. You'd think people in a small town would look out for each other, but they do not.

Within five days, the town becomes feral. Everyone is angry and in a panic. The general store is almost out of food. People are threatening each other because someone else bought the last can of whatever they wanted. When two cons kill the sheriff and steal the last of the food, some of the townsfolk join them. What the hell, people? Why are you willing to go off with murderers and thieves? As is expected, the cons are not humanitarians and those who team up with them are treated poorly.

The biggest questions you’ll have is how the hell did this small town fall into chaos so quickly, and over what time period does this take place?  Other than one point where then mention it's been five days, there is no clue whether this is two weeks or two months.

The scenes involving the college students are especially confusing. I thought they went for a weekend hike, but I could be mistaken. When they come back, their car is gone. They hike back to town where they find a burned out car still smoking, bullet casings, and blood. Surprisingly they are not very concerned. 

They start knocking on doors to get help. When no one answers, they break in because they're starving.  How long have they been without food? Is this the same day they walked into town? Why are they so hungry?

They find food, water, and canned goods in the first home they enter.  They stuff their faces and continue walking.  Then they approach another house and argue about whether to break in. One guy angrily exclaims he's starving, and needs food and water. This makes no sense based on the previous scene. Didn’t they just eat and load canned goods into their packs? You're left wondering if there is something in the air or a virus causing people to go insane.  But ultimately it seems the film is just lousy about providing  any basis for determining how long these people have been outdoors fending for themselves.

And if there are smoking cars, dead people, and someone shooting at you, don't stop in the makeshift tent city just because no one is there when you wander in.  Use your heads, people.

Rise of the Mummy (2021)

Three people are killed by the Army as they are trying to stop a murderous mummy while stuck in a time loop. I'm guessing their ritual worked since the Army wasn’t in the loop. However I'm confused as to why the Army was so gung ho to stop this mummy, when they had no plans to destroy it or quarantine it. You'd think if the Army is concerned enough to kill civilians, they'd want to keep the killer mummy off the streets. Well you'd be wrong, my friend.

The next time we see the mummy he's in Miss Dawson's class at the local university.  How did the University get this mummy? The class has less than ten students, and they don't even seem to have any grasp of archaeology. Miss Dawson asks, "Who can tell me what a mummy is? Anyone? No?"  Is this even an archaeology class? How can students who have no idea what a mummy is actually be given a real mummy to study?

The class is the first group of people granted access to this valuable mummy.  Again, I must ask why? How? Miss Dawson says they will be published if they discover anything significant. I would counter that inexperienced students who can't even muster a guess to define a mummy are not the brain trust that is going to find anything worthwhile.

Even more confounding, their research and safety protocol is terrible. The mummy is on a table under a sheet in a classroom. They don't even have a box to keep him in.  The students are told to wear masks in case there is mold or gas that could kill them.  However Miss Dawson pulls her mask down to talk. Many students have their masks under their chins, or walk into the room not wearing one. They touch the mummy, as well as a gross looking book in the mummy hand, without ever using gloves.  Even if you're inexplicably not concerned about deadly mold or spores on the book, from a historical preservation perspective, you always wear gloves so the oils on your hands don't damage anything.

Holly takes the book from the mummy's hand to see what she can find. In less than an hour, her crack research leads her to believe that this mummy is one of the lost kings. I'm skeptical that a book referencing  the lost kings just happens to be in the hand of a lost king.

Soon the mummy is up and about, and killing whoever he finds. They in turn become something undefined and help the mummy kill anyone in the building.  When the students try to call for help, the phones don't work.  However their internet is just fine. No one thinks to use that to call anyone for help.

Ridiculous Dialogue:

If your findings prove to be substantial, they'll be published in writing.

Remember the mummy is very, very old and we have to preserve it.

Kira: "We're just really scared that Tracy's dead."

Miss Dawson:  [Sigh]

Thankfully the captions tell me that blood is
spurting because it's not on screen

More useful captions to tell us the heart is squishing

The old book that everyone touches without a 
thought of what kind of filth is staining the pages

Ladies and Gentlemen, the mummy and his 
mop like bandages

Gremlin (2017)

Uncle Jim has a gremlin box and apparently he hates his family because he gives it to his mother.  The box has a dial on top and a creature inside. If you don't give the box away prior to the timer running out, the creature will kill you. Also you have to give it to someone you love, so technically Jim loves his mother, but since he's killing her by giving her the box, meh.

Jim's niece and her family are also in the house. When grandma is found dead in her bed, their son insists it was a monster. But no one believes him.

Daughter Anna stays out all night with her boyfriend and when they show up, her dad Adam gets mad. You'd think the first thing he would do is tell her about grandma's death, but they get in a fight about her behavior.  

In a movie called Gremlin, you'd expect to see at least one gremlin, but there isn't one.  When providing the legend of the box, they say it contains a god. 

The rules of the box are inconsistent. You need to give it to someone you love before the timer runs out. Yet Grandma gives the box to Adam, and the creature kills her.  Later the box is given to someone they don't love and that person is immediately killed by the creature. Then it is given to someone Adam loves, and that person is immediately killed so they had no chance to give the box to someone else. What the heck?

With dead bodies piling up, Adam doesn't want to call the police because they'll think they killed them. Yeah, he's probably right, but it definitely looks like you killed them when you hide it from the police. There's a backstory about their middle son being kidnapped and murdered, which I guess makes them suspicious even though there doesn't seem to be any indication that they had anything to do with this or were ever investigated.

And how does the creature grow to be the size of a house? What prompts this? And still I come back to the overwhelming problem with this movie that there is literally no gremlin in a movie called Gremlin.

Black Pumpkin (2018)

Elliot and Porkchop are doing a documentary for school on Diablo’s Den and somehow awaken the spirit of Bloody Bobby who shows up  to kill everyone he can get his hands on. End of story.  There's not much to this one.  It seems to be aimed at junior high school kids, but then again there are some make out scenes that seem to old for that audience. 

The film has a fair amount of padding and I always feel bad when a characters name refers to their size. It can't feel good to be an overweight actor and have to answer to Porkchop. Or have banter about your weight be part of the characters friendship. As Porkchop is wolfing down candy, Elliot says, "I can actually see you getting fatter." 

At one point some high school students in a van chase Porkchop from Devils Den. Even though Porkchop is on a bike, he doesn't pedal, just pushes with his feet. Does he not know how to ride a bike? Why would a kid being chased high schoolers not be pedaling like a maniac? 

The kids catch up with Porkchop at Elliots house, and older sister Lori comes out to yell at and threaten the punks. She’s not wearing any pants.  Why are they scared of her? They could break her stick legs in half. I don't know why high school thugs would be afraid of a girl. There was nothing about her that seemed tough.

The local news shows photos of murder victims dead at the scene of the crime  In a later report, they say they aren't going to identify some dead teens until their relatives are notified. Yet they show their van which has a very distinctive logo on the side. So everyone already knows who it is. 

When Lori and her boyfriend find out their friends are dead, their reaction is as if someone told them they'd run out of their favorite type of pizza. They look sort of disappointed, but don't show any emotion. 

Sam from The Barn needs to give Lori some lessons on the rules of Halloween. Lori gives all her candy out, but leaves her light on. She can't figure out why people keep knocking on her door. It's supposed to be a creepy scene because you know Bloody Bobby is out there and she's living in his old house. You’re supposed to fear that Bobby is knocking at the door, but all I could think was kids are going to keep knocking because she left the light on.  How does she not know to shut the damn light off? She's a teenager. She's been trick or treating. You only go to houses with the lights on.  Come on!

Also the frozen pizza Elliot throws into the oven is not frozen. It bends when he picks it up. I’ve never seen a frozen pizza bend before. Either they shot that scene a number of times, or their freezer doesn’t work. 

Happy Birthday (2016)

After discovering his girlfriend cheated on him, Brady's best friend Tommy convince him to go to Mexicali for this birthday.  Tommy has a great birthday story in this past and wants Brady to end the trip with a story to rival it. Tommy is one of those friends who doesn't actually care what you want, but pressures you into doing what he wants you to do. In other words, Tommy is a horrible friend.

Their first night in town, Tommy insists they hire a couple of locals to show them things the tourists don't normally see. They also run into a couple of girls who want to meet up with them later, and warn them about the cartel that runs the town.

The film isn't really a comedy or a horror movie. It takes a long way to get to the payoff and then you find yourself slightly irritated that you wasted your time.  I don't want to talk about what happens because that would give too much away. However Tommy is the worst friend ever and if this situation happened in real life, Brady would be traumatized, and need massive amounts of counseling. For it to end with kind of a shrug and an oh well... geez.

Fateful Findings (2013)

Eight year old Dylan and his friend Leah are playing in the woods when they  find a mushroom which has a box underneath filled with beads and a black gem. Leah takes most of the beads to make a bracelet, and Dylan takes the gem. Then Leah and her family move. There's no context for the time frame so it's not clear if it was a day, a week, or an hour.

Now an adult, Dylan is a successful novelist.  One day he's hit by a car while crossing the street. The gem from his childhood gives him some sort of super healing power and he checks himself out of the hospital without consulting his doctor.  

Once home Dylan gets into the shower even though his head and half his face are covered by a bandage.  By the time his wife - or girlfriend - Emily notices he's back from the hospital, his bandage is soaked with blood. There is also a massive amount of blood running down his legs and on the shower floor.  Oddly enough Emily is completely unconcerned with this turn of events and joins him in the shower. The excessive blood loss is never mentioned.

Dylan abandons his novel writing to become a computer hacker.  He targets corruption by using his multiple laptops.  He also reconnects with his childhood friend Leah who just happened to be his doctor when he was in the hospital. He didn't recognize her until she dropped her childhood journal at a barbecue, which revealed the page written on the day they found the mushroom. Because all well adjusted adults carry around their diary from when they were eight, even in social situations.  

Meanwhile supporting characters Jim and Amy are on the brink of divorce or murder. Jim is a drunk and Amy is so angry she's withholding all intimacy. Their teenage daughter thinks Dylan is dreamy so she repeatedly tries to seduce him.  When she drops her towel, he runs over, grabs it and wraps it around her. The narrative is supposed to make Dylan seems like a good guy. Yet it's super creepy to run over to an exposed teen to pick up her towel, when you could just shut the bathroom door to give her privacy.

Meanwhile Dylan and Emily are having problems due to her addiction. It doesn't help that Dylan is pursuing his childhood love interest. After Dylan consummates his love with Leah, he comes home to find Emily dead in their bed from an overdose.  He reacts by holding her and saying, "No! No!"  Well there isn't actually any dialogue on the soundtrack but he mouths it. He doesn't check for a pulse or call 911 like a normal person. 

The death of Emily leaves his schedule open so Leah moves in. Is this a day, week, month, year?  No idea. At one point, they sit in his office while he eats a salad and Leah laughs.  Then you realize it's not a salad. It's a pile of uncooked spinach. No dressing, no other vegetables, no nothing. It's like someone bought a bag of spinach at the supermarket and dumped it on a plate.  Just another thing to add to the bewildering tone of this movie.

As if the narrative isn't crazy enough, Leah gets kidnapped, and Dylan rescues her by teleporting through the a trailer door. Then the movie ends with Dylan giving a press conference in which he calls out the corruption in politics and big business, and the big wigs take responsibility for their actions. Oh and then they all commit suicide.  What the hell, movie?!  

Made by the same guy who made Double Down, this follows some of the same tenets: the main character is a hacker/computer expert who is fighting for the people; a gem gives the owner magical powers; meeting the love of his life before he's ten;  the actress who plays his love interest appears to be half his age even though they are the same age in the film; he gets naked and shows his butt; and nothing really makes sense.

I highly recommend checking it out. Just know what your'e getting into - it's not good, but it sure is  entertaining, and isn't that the most important thing?  If you like Ed Wood or Tommy Wiseau, then you should like this one.

It's not enough to find a mushroom,
you must behold it

The worst diary entry every - no context,
no date, no nothing

I didn't realize that when hit by a car,
you land perfectly aligned

Hope he doesn't really need that oxygen
since they put it on over his bandage.

Nothing awkward about a man leaving the 
hospital looking like this

And we ramp up the awkwardness

Shouldn't you take him back to the hospital
based on the massive blood loss?

Even a blood soaked bandage
can't stop the passion

Another awkward bandage.

Passing out and spilling coffee on the keyboard
is the sign of a true hacker

Why yes, this is a perfectly normal way
to meet with your psychiatrist.

The second psychiatrist takes a different approach
which is also exceedingly uncomfortable

His friends teenage daughter who is 
totally into him

This looks less like a love connection and more 
like a hostage situation

You're using the mic holders incorrectly

the green screen corruption press conference