Sunday, September 21, 2014

American Warships (2012)

aka American Battleships

Well, if you didn't get enough of the game Battleship by watching the movie inspired by it called Battleship, then how about this mock buster.  Originally titled American Battleship, The Asylum had to change the name due to the a lawsuit.  Surprisingly they didn't have to change the storyline, which also involves aliens in invisible ships on the ocean taking out electrical systems until a someone figures out how to be a hero.

The U.S.S. Iowa is on it's final voyage while the final touches are being done to make it into a museum. A group of college students are helping some lady Professor make sure it is historically accurate.  Captain Winston is charged with getting the ship to it's port, and along on the journey is a large group of Navy Seals. It's never explained why the Seals are on board since it's a decommissioned ship. The Seals don't seem to know why they're on the ship either and are a bit grumbly about being on such a lame mission.

But nearby something strange is happening.  Planes and ships are losing all power, and the US blames the Koreans and Chinese.  The U.S.S. Iowa is the only one that stands a chance of fighting these evil alien foes because they're still equipped with old equipment that has been restored as part of the museum. This also includes some reproduction shells which will apparently work if needed. Safety first, my friends. Love those military museums with live weapons.

Captain Winston is in a secret relationship with Lt. Bradley, who appears to have jaundice. Since this is never mentioned, then there's a serious issue with her make up.  When the ship comes under attack, the Winston and Bradley's relationship is a secret no more.  After lifting a huge piece of hot steel off her leg, they start kissing as they lay on the deck.

As in Battleship, aliens have come to Earth to do... something, and it involves destroying destroying the electrical systems of planes and ships. Luckily our Navy Seals are able to not only find they invisible ship from a small raft, but also locate the only entrance hatch and pry it open.  The footage of the seals trying to get into the boat looks unbelievably horrible.

Ridiculous things that this movie expects us to below:
  • Asian pilots speak stilted English when communicating with each other 
  • photos taken without a flash in near darkness will come out perfectly clear 
  • you can make an 8x10 glossy in a dark room using a video tape
  • if you're 50-100 pounds overweight, you can still be a Navy Seal
  • An electromagnetic pulse won't erase video tapes that have evidence of invisible alien ships
  • A history Professor will have extensive knowledge of how to work outdated equipment on a battleship due to stories her grandfather told her his tour of duty there
  • The modern navy will have no problem operating non-modern, outdated equipment.
  • Navy Seals standing on a raft next to an invisible alien ship may appear to be a boy band in a bad video

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