Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Malibu Express (1985)

Private Investigator Cody Abilene is recommended to the Contessa. Her way of determining if he's a good man for the mission is to go out to dinner and then sleep with him.  Guess he passed the test since he's off to work for Lady Lillian Chamberlain, who feels like something is going on in her house behind her back.  She is currently in a wheelchair due to a skiing accident so she's not that quick at turning around.

Cody stays at the house for a few days and meets the family, the butler/chauffeur Shane, and maid Marion.  What Cody discovers is affairs, cross dressing, an investment scheme, people selling computer secrets to the Russians, and murder. Hey-o!

This is an Andy Sidaris film, and in case you're not familiar with these movies, it means there's going to be hot tubs, Playboy playmates, blow dried hair on both the men and women, remote controlled cars or planes, questionable acting, unbelievable dialogue, a silly plot, and lots of bazooms.

There's also a reoccurring joke invoking the Buffingtons, a hillbilly family who keep showing up to race Cody.  He's driving down the road and all of a sudden there they are, blocking his way, jumping out of the car, and harassing him.  The back story is that Cody's dad beat Buffington in a stock car race thirty years ago and they want revenge. Yeehaw, it's right out of Smokey and the Bandit.

The background music is like something you'd hear on the Dukes of Hazzard, and there's plenty of exposition provided by Cody's voice over, which is supposed to be him talking into his new tape recorder - because he's heard all private eyes use them.  Cody's got a bit of a low rent Tom Selleck thing going for him, and as in all of Sidaris movies there is pointless nudity.

Ridiculous dialogue:

Cody (voice over, while fiddle music is playing) - I'm just testing out my new little tape recorder I got.  They say all private investigators need one so they can keep a record of their daily routines. I hope my days are never routine.

Anita - Shane, what did a guy like you do in jail?
Shane - Ate a whole lot of furniture, baby.

Cody - I said hello earlier to Anita's husband, Stewart Chamberlain.  He's okay, I guess.  He seems a little light in his loafers.

Cody (describing exactly what is happening on screen) - They're making a u-turn and stopping across the street.

Murderer - As you know, I'm an artist. I was able to make a mask similar to this one and wear it the night I killed Shane. It will melt in a matter of seconds.  There will be no evidence, except for your eyes only.

Cody - Shane's pulling the limo in front of the Screaming Cockatoo. This should be good.  I don't believe this one. Stewart has just turned into the most gorgeous woman.

Liza - Cody do you cook?
Cody - Not much.
Liza - Well what do you usually make for dinner?
Cody - Reservations.
Lady Lillian - Ahahaha, very good.

Those nails make any task difficult.
What the hell? That hat appears to lace up
and doesn't cover the back of his head.
Meet June Khnockers
Although her bazooms are hanging out the bottom
of her dress, surprisingly this is not Ms. Khnockers
Low rent pseudo Magnum P.I. pose and car
I'll bet there's long hair all through out that dinner.
Oh yeah, that's right. His sweatsuit has zip off sleeves.
The first thing people usually do when they're shot?
Pick up the television and stagger towards the door.
It's good luck to kiss over the corpse. 
Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, we have the title.
The miraculous mask that will melt once he sees it.

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