Wednesday, June 16, 2021

The Haunting of Whitlow House (2018)

An insufferable couple uses their life savings to buy a cursed murder house with the intention of turning it into a haunt.  This seems to be a questionable purchase, not only because it's in bad taste but it's in the middle of nowhere. I don't see how they're going to make a year round income off this thing. And don't even get me started on their props which look more like something you'd see in a department store, rather than something you'd see in a real haunt.

Perhaps the strangest thing about the house is the size of the basement. When the real estate agent shows it to them, it appears that they are on the catwalk in a warehouse. They explain the maze of hallways and this huge room by saying the basement is twice as big as the rest of the house. That's just weird.

Kate and her husband (whose name I can't remember) relate to each other with this sarcastic flirty banter that will make your eyes roll so far back in your head, you'll need a crowbar to set them right.  They are trying way too hard and seem very uncomfortable.  People only talk to each other like this in movies, or in bars. It’s so insincere.

Kate's brother is a policeman who can't believe she's gone along with her husbands lame idea of investing their savings in this house.  Kate asks if he can give her access to the case files for the murders because she wants authenticity.  Surprisingly he does and brings her a VHS tape of the murder scene of several college kids.

Kate has some creepy experiences in the house, as does her husband. At one point the lights go out and he yells that she's slammed the door so hard it shut off the lights. Is that really a thing?  I've been around a lot of door slamming and never once has a light turned off.

Before the opening of their lame haunt, they consult Penny, a local psychic with a vaguely European accent. At first she’s bored and then she ends up fleeing the home.  Then Kate spends some time washing the wall. Why Kate, why? What is the purpose of washing the wall?  And if your dream is to open your own haunt, and you've spent years in this profession collecting props, then why are your hallways covered in plastic and masking tape? And why are you using department store Halloween masks?  As expected, they don’t call it a murder house for nothing and things go horribly wrong.


Ridiculous Dialogue  

"The place has a lot of history. We've done our research. There's a lot of buzz." 



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