Cradle of Shadows (2013)

aka Le Berceau des Ombres

After a worker in a massive underground bunker disappears, a private investigator is hired to look into it. The owner tells the PI that he has three days to spend in the bunker and figure out what is going on down there.  Rumor has it the bunker is haunted and was also used by the Nazi's in World War II.

Along with his assistant, the PI recruits a professor of parapsychology and two of his students.  They set up their equipment and start to explore. Almost immediately the hear noises and get video of what appears to be one of those Japanese ghost girls with long hair.

This starts an argument about whether to leave or stay. Some people want to get out, while others want to locate the girl.  This begs the question, why do people looking for ghosts always get the hell out when they find one?  Shortly after this they realize there is something else down there with them, and the key to the bunker door is missing leaving them trapped.

Unlike many American horror films where the characters are annoying jerks you'd rather punch in the face than spend a minute of your time with, the characters are overall pretty likable.  That doesn't mean they don't get a less appealing as the film goes on though and they start to freak out.

The best part of the film is the location. It was filmed in casemates on the Maginot Line and Fort Hestroff Frescoes.

Whoever did the subtitles was not on the ball.  My friend has some knowledge of the French language and said the subtitles didn't match what they were saying.  This was obvious at some points, such as when one character says "What's going on?" and the other one answers, "No!"  Way to phone it in, subtitle guy.


Ridiculous subtitles-

"So what? You are softened out?"

"There someone?"

Backwoods Bloodbath: Curse of the Black Hodag (2007)

In a plot never before seen in a horror movie, a group of twenty somethings rent an isolated cabin for the weekend, get stalked by a monster, and their blood starts a-flying.

After the funeral of one of their old high school buddies, a group of friends who were the popular crowd in high school decides to get away for the weekend.  Also along for the trip is an unpopular guy who was invited by one of the girls.  Proving that some people never outgrow high school, the guys pick right up where they left off by mocking his masculinity and his interest in photography.

After going to a local bar, one of the patrons tells them about the curse of the Black Hodag, a mysterious creature rumored to kill people in the woods. Other locals think the story is a joke, but the viewer knows that someone who resembles a Klingon is stalking through the scenery and killing whoever he finds.

The movie uses comedy in a lot of scenes, but it's not funny. It's low budget with stereotypical characters, but is better made than many movies you'll find on multipack horror collections. So take that for what it's worth.  There is a very nice effect near the end when someones face is half bitten off.

Leprechaun 6: Back 2 the Hood (2003)

Emily and Lisa are chilling in the hood with their friend Jaime, while Emily's ex Rory rides around on his flashy motorcycle with his new girl.  Lisa invites Rory to a cookout in the park, which upsets Emily.  When she stomps off, the ground gives way and she falls into a hidden cave that contains a room with a little box of gold.

The four grab the riches and decide to split it evenly. Too bad Emily doesn't remember the warning she just received from a psychic who stated she would get riches beyond her dream but she should refuse them because they'd bring nothing but heartache.  This turns out to be true when our little leprechaun friend shows up wanting his gold.  You'd think he'd do a better job hiding his precious gold but people always seem to find it. Stupid evil leprechaun.

Basically if you've seen one leprechaun film, you've seen them all.  They can all be summed up by saying someone steals his gold and he tries to kill them.

In the Woods (1999)

Firefighter Alex and his wife are having a difficult time.  Alex drinks to deal with the the emotional toll of deadly fires.  His wife is tired of being married to someone with an alcohol problem who hangs out in the bar drinking with his buddies instead of talking to her about his feelings.

To help cheer Alex up, co-worker Wayne takes him on a hunting trip where they can have peace and quiet, and no alcohol.  They go to privately owned land where no one is allowed, but Wayne says his in-laws family own it, so what the heck.  when they stumble across what appears to a burial site, the reason no one is allowed on the land seems clear. Especially because people have been disappearing and the police believe there is a serial killer on the loose.

Wayne insists on digging up the grave, but Alex wants to tell the police.  Alex proves to have better critical thinking skills because it's always a bad idea ago dig up a grave. Unfortunately he caves and they dig up a weird horned skull, something in the woods bellows, and they are chased off the land by a strange creature.  Contrary to his promise to his wife, Alex and Wayne head to the nearest bar and vow to tell no one about their experience since no one would believe them.

When his wife comes home, Alex is asleep on the couch.  Alex proves to have married a woman with a distinct lack of olfactory receptors since she never knows he's been drinking until she kisses him.  No wonder he's been getting away with drinking for so long.

After his wife moves out, Alex is alarmed to find his garage has become a dumping ground for body parts. It would have been much more interesting if this turned out to be some psycho revenge done by his estranged wife who is trying to frame him for being the serial killer, but alas it turns out to be some convoluted story regarding the monster they previously saw in the woods. Naturally many of the local police and residents think he's the serial killer. But he'd have to be stupid to suddenly start leaving body parts on his property and calling the police to report it when he's gotten away with it for so long.

While the movie is called In the Woods, 90% of the movie takes place in the someone's house or the fire station.  This isn't that good a movie, but it's better than a lot of the crap I've been watching lately.  So take that with a grain of salt.

Dr. Shock's Grindhouse of Horrors (2007)

I'm not a big fan of anthologies. Often times it's just a way to couple together a bunch of junk to make it the length of a film.  This one is three different films, each around thirty minutes long, and all by the same filmmaker.   The wraparound with Dr. Shock is also made by the same guy.

Dr. Shock is a tv host with lame jokes and skits.  He lacks the charm of older horror hosts, so you just wait for it to be over so you can view the movies.

Wilbers Bed and Breakfast - 
Wilber owns a bed and breakfast, and wants to be Internet beef jerky king.  His brother owns a garage. When tourists cars breakdown, the brother tows the car, says it won't be fixed until the next day, and sends people to stay at Wilbers. Surprisingly no one is alarmed by Wilber greeting them in a lab coat, goggles, and industrial strength gloves.

Blood Sucking Hillbillies - 
Three hillbillies running moonshine in their old truck end up running out of gas and go to the local brothel for help.  But the girls there aren't human.  No one shall ask how the brothel manages to stay in business if they're killing their customers.  The movie is in black and white to try to make it look old, and the first ten minutes are jokes about farts and poop. Boo.

Black Rose - 
Okay, each movie gets worse.  Sal Miller is an intrepid reporter right out of the 1940s, whose boss threatens to fire him if he turns in another lame story.  Sal decides to hire some stoners to get a photo of a killer who lives nearby.  Based on this brilliant idea, Sal will soon be unemployed.

The stoners are called Fatso, Skateboard, Dude, and Headshop.  Get used to hearing these names because they are repeated over and over and over, often in the same scene.  There are scenes where  almost every other word is dude, which will drive you absolutely insane.

There is a scene where someone keeps saying something like, "Hey throw Skateboard's skateboard over the fence."  Comedy gold my friends, comedy gold.  Another scene has Sal looking for the stoners, and the entire time he's wandering around he repeats the same thing over and over.  It's something like, "Fatso?.... Skateboard?... Dude?... Headshop?... It's me. Sal Miller."  Try hearing that five times in a row without screaming.  Also of note - Skateboard appears to be very uncomfortable and not at all adept at being on a skateboard.

I picked this up on a used box set of 50 crappy movies.  I knew the movies were going to be crap, but at a cost of forty cents per film, I can't complain about the price.  But when I tried to find a copy of the DVD cover, I discovered this DVD has a list price of $9.99. I'd be really pissed off if I paid that much for something this amateur.

Animal (2014)

A group of friends decide to go hiking in the woods.  As the light fades, some of them want to head back to the car, but a couple of the guys want to keep going. Consequently they're deep in the woods when the sun goes down.

While trying to find their way back to their car, they stumble across a pile of bones and flesh which appear to be a body. Even worse, there are noises in the woods that turn out to be a hideous monster, which reminded me of the one in Feast.

While attempting to get away from the dangerous beast, they stumble upon a cabin, and try to convince the people inside to let them in.  Once inside, they discover others who've experienced the same creature in the woods.  The cabin appears to have been used previously for the purpose of remaining out of the clutches of the creature since there are various barricades. The people already in the house warn that the animal keeps trying to get inside.

The rest of the movie revolves around determining if they can find a way to escape, or if the monster will find a way into the house.  There are cliche situations between the totally bitter downer character who is out for himself, and everyone else in the house. While there's nothing new about the movie, it was actually okay, even though there were plenty of bad decisions to go around.

The biggest question I'm left with is, if this creature can devour seven people in less than 24 hours, wouldn't someone notice that so many people are going missing?  This can't be it's first foray into humans as a food source.

The Savage Bees (1976)

When I was a kid the trailer for The Swarm freaked me out. What? Killer bees coming to the United States? How will we survive?  So it's a good thing I didn't see this movie, which is also about killer bees coming to America to kill us all - especially those who wear red or black, which are colors that make bees the angriest.  They also don't like loud noises. So don't rev your tractor, or drunkenly scream for hotdogs, or get your car horn stuck by conking it with your head, or anything preposterous stuff like that.

Sheriff McKew finds his faithful dog dead, and vows to track down whoever killed him.  So he drives into New Orleans in the middle of Mardi Gras and takes his dogs carcass to the Coroners Office. This surprises the coroner on duty, Jeff Durance, since the office only handles human remains, not pets.

The Sheriff thinks his animal pal has been poisoned, and talks  Jeff into doing some tests.  While doing the dog autopsy,  Jeff discovers that the pooch wasn't poisoned. The dogs stomach is filled with bees which stung him to death. Ewwwww.

Jeff calls on ex-girlfriend Jeannie who just happens to be an entomologist. They head to the city offices to try to shut down Mardi Gras, but the city official played by James Best, aka Roscoe P. Coltrane, won't stop the biggest party of the year without proof of these  supposedly killer bees and their need for vengeance. Since they can't get any help from the city, Jeannie connects with one of her insect crazy scientist friends who he has a hotline to the number one bee expert in the world and asks for immediate help. Meanwhile the streets are filled with drunken party goers completely unaware that they could soon be overrun by bees which may be out for blood.

The Sheriff sends his men out to look for the location of the swarm.  Nothing like trying to find a swarm of bees in the country. The only way to tell them from swarms of regular bees is to see if they kill you.

The Sheriff's search party proves to be inept at understanding the actual danger quotient of a killer bees since their protection consists of entirely of cheesecloth draped over their heads.  Luckily the number one bee expert in the world locates the savage bees in a hot dog stand, and enters wearing what is essentially a silver hazmat suit.  If only his plan hadn't been foiled by two drunk Mardi Gras loving teens who run a police road block and really want to eat some hotdogs.  Or perhaps everything would have been fine if the kid dressed as a pirate didn't bring a real sword do Mardi Gras.  But before you know it our bee expert has a slice in his protective suit, and we're back to square one.

Perhaps the funniest scene in the movie is when they decide to get the bees to follow a VW Beetle. As they drive through the streets of New Orleans, Jeff yells over the loud speaker telling everyone they have sixty second to get off the streets because they're bring a bunch of killer bees through town. Also the DVD is obviously taken from a VHS copy since the picture tends to roll at the beginning of the film, like when the tracking is off.

It's a decent 70s movie and I liked it better than the Swarm.  Michael Parks and Gretchen Corbett do a good job, although Ben Johnson is wasted in his role as Sheriff.

At the House of Madness (2008)

Sarah is discouraged that they're unable to sell their house and believes it is because the home is cursed. Her husband is having none of this nonsense. So Sarah begins reeling off names of all the people who lived in the home and met untimely ends.

In an abrupt switch, we find ourselves watching Tracy, a women who is either wearing a bad wig, or whose hair looks like a bad wig.  She drives to the beach,  uses a metal detector and discovers a strange book buried in the sand. I'm not sure what's more surprising  - that the clasp has a demon head on it, or that it didn't sustain any damage from the damp sand and salty ocean water.

Back at home while trying to pry the book open, Tracy sees a rat and beats it to death with a magnifying glass. Odd choice I know, but the clasp releases and Tracy is in evil heaven flipping through the pages. As the clock strikes the next hour, the book slams shut, and Tracy is back to attacking the clasp with a dull butter knife.

Since the book opened when she killed the rat, Tracy decides the best way to get the book to open  again is to start murdering people. No one shall ask why where she came up with this huge leap in logic or why she doesn't continue to murder small rodents who won't be missed.  Perhaps the fumes from her sad looking wig have rotted her brain. As you'd expect, evil books always punish those who read them.

Back to the wrap around segment of the anthology, Sarah's husband is no more convinced of the curse than before. So Sarah tells him the tale of a young woman named Izzy whose cousin lived in the house. Izzy feigned a breakup with her boyfriend and no place to stay, but in reality she plans on robbing the home.  Her cousin says he has an old ventriloquist dummy passed down though the family. Izzy decides they need to steal the dummy since it must be worth a lot of money. Izzy is not too bright.

We all know nothing good can come from a ventriloquist dummy, so there.  Sarah's husband is wondering why he married a woman who believes in curses.  Both stories make Sarah look a bit nutty  since neither story makes the house itself look bad.

I'm not a big fan of anthologies and this didn't change my mind.  The story with the book has a big chunk of time where they pad the film as Tracy wanders on the beach, walks, or tries to get the book open. There is no dialogue and the film making is not good enough to support this type of silence.

Wolfcop (2014)

Officer Lou Garou, a cop with an alcohol problem, is sent on a call for what he thinks is a bunch of noisy teens partying in the woods.  But after finding someone hanging upside down and then being conked on the head, Lou wakes up the next morning in his bed but with a pentagram carved in his chest.

With the discovery of a body in woods, the annual Drink and Shoot is cancelled.  Lou notices a pattern regarding cancellation of the Drink and Shoot. Previously a lazy and slightly drunk cop, he becomes focused on solving who is committing the murders.

Lou also discovers that he turns into a werewolf at night, but due to the alcohol impairment, he's not completely lost to the wolf inside him.  So he's still able to drive and mumble. Felons are no match for a werewolf in a cop uniform.

It's a decent effort and there are a few really funny lines, but it could have been so much better. I expect so much more than an average movie from a film titled Wolf Cop.

Deadhouse (2005)

Three teens on their way to visit a relative get lost and end up in a small town where the only inhabitants seem to be overweight men.  After asking directions from a creepy butcher who operates out of the basement in the back of what could be an abandoned building, the group drives down a dirt road, where they almost run someone over.  Basically they're all idiots. The SUV is  driving on dirt tracks in a field trying to get back to the highway, and the guy in the field isn't aware enough to hear the vehicle  coming.  SUV's aren't stealthy, people.

Feeling guilty, they give the guy a ride, but their car mysteriously gets stuck while moving on the dry dirt road.  They abandon their vehicle hoping to find a house, but again, common sense takes a back seat as they wander through a field rather than sticking to a road.

Upon discovering a creepy abandoned looking home, they trot inside to look for a phone and are confronted by the homeowner, who looks like he's in a metal band and is uninterested in their plight.  Surprisingly, this causes the group to react with sarcasm, seeming to miss the point that they've walked uninvited into his home.

It's no surprise when things go horribly wrong and a behemoth, mask wearing, wrestler type, serial killer comes out of nowhere to clean house.  While the killer is huge and has a creepy mask, the scare factor is undermined by a ring of duct tape wrapped around his ample belly as if it's a belt, (it's not).

The town's law enforcement proves incompetent, and there is a twist ending that isn't surprising if you've watched your share of horror movies. Also the killer is referred to as a clown in the description of the movie, but there's nothing clown like about him. He's just a big guy with a strange mask.

Watch for the young guy with the unfortunate haircut at the beginning of the video who falls over when a fairly light branch that is masquerading as  a tree falls on top of him, where upon he mutters, "Fuckin' tree...."  Also look for the fuzzy video of two little girls inserted into the credits, which at first sight will make you think someone accidentally edited snippets of their home movies into the film.

The music often drowns out the dialogue, and even when the music isn't playing, it can be hard to hear what the characters are saying.  Luckily that's no great loss.

Torment (2008)

Look at that DVD cover.  You already know this movie isn't going to be very good.

Ray decides to take wife Lauren to a remote home for a relaxing vacation.  Probably not the best idea since he's just picked her up from the loony bin. Also it's later revealed that she was only released because his insurance ran out and he couldn't afford to continue her treatment.  In other words, Ray is stuck with her and  has no confidence in her mental well being.

When Lauren sees a trash bag blowing down the road she thinks it contains a body.  Later she tells Ray there's a clown outside their vacation home.  Ray doesn't believe her.  A clown? In a rural setting?  Why you'd have to be crazy to think.... oh.

Ray's kind of a dick.  If Lauren is hallucinating because she hasn't recovered from her breakdown, he should be more sensitive and considerate.  Also it's probably not a good idea for him to get drunk, especially when Lauren alludes to him having a drinking problem.

When Ray goes out for groceries, Lauren is visited by a Sheriff looking for two missing Mormon teens... teens who appears to be in their thirties.  Later that night when Lauren goes to bed, the clown is looking in her window.  Since Ray hasn't seen the clown or the Sheriff, he makes it clear that he doesn't believe her, and the marital conflict flares.

While the movie doesn't hit any marks for acting or dialogue, which is essentially handled by Ray and Lauren, the biggest issue is that we damn well know Lauren isn't hallucinating. The movie opens with the killer clown torturing and killing the Mormons.  So the uninteresting dialogue between a married couple in emotional crisis, pedestrian acting, and the lack of any real tension complete a trifecta of blandness.

The most interesting thing in the movie was a discussion involving maps and copyright. I'd never heard of trap streets, which are a nonexistent street added to a map to trap potential copyright violators.  If this fictional information shows up on another companies map, the original company knows their map has been reprinted without permission.

Kill List (2011)

I almost gave up on this movie before it kicked into gear. The beginning of the movies is very slow.  It's a couple with their child, some heated arguing, but mostly two British couples talking and having dinner.  But once Jay and Gal go away on a business trip, the whole thing takes a quick 180 degree turn into horrific violence.

Jay and Gal are hit men who've been given a list of three people to eliminate.  Their client is an odd duck who cuts Jay's hand, and then his own, when Jay and Gal decide take the contract.  The list includes a priest, a librarian, and an member of Parliament.  The hit men wonder what these men did to get on the kill list.

Jay's bursts of anger are concerning to Gal, especially when he goes off the hit list to kill some people who are implicated in the horrible actions of one of the men they're hired to eliminate.  Jay's wife Shel has also been concerned about Jay's state of mind. There is the mention of something that went terribly wrong in Kiev, but it's not clear if that was a hit, or something that happened when Gal and Jay were soldiers.

After finding photos and evidence that someone is watching them while they're completing their job, they get uncomfortable about the job.  They try to get out of the last hit by asking the client to approve passing it off to another professional. The client declines and threatens to kill everyone they know if they don't complete their contract.  Things get even more screwed up after that and while I figured out the fight at the end, I was left with a "what the....?!" feeling when the film ended.

With the slow start and WTF ending, I ended up searching online to see people's theories on what happened. I quickly realized that there was a key clue in the film that I hadn't seen. I must have stepped out of the room for a minute, because that one thing would have provided a different perspective on what was occurring.  So don't zone out during the slow parts or you'll miss something that is pretty important. But honestly, I probably liked it more since that lack of information left me totally in the dark and kept me confused about what was going on.

Candy Stripers (2006)

When football star Jack ends up in the hospital with a broken leg, he realizes that something strange is going on with the Candy Stripers.  His buddy Joey, who is in the next bed, has insane teenage bravado which makes him believer he can score with the hot Candy Stripers. Joey's sister Tammy, a tomboy type with a raging crush on Jack, agrees that the Candy Stripers are acting really weird. Jack's girlfriend doesn't care what's going on because she wants to get out of the icky hospital and is annoyed by how Jack's injury will affect her.

Jack's suspicions are correct because the Candy Stripers have been taken over by aliens.... disgusting aliens who wiggle down your throat if your mouth gets to close to someone who's infected.  As more and more hospital staff become aliens, the building goes into quarantine due to the unknown sickness.  Jack and his friends must try to escape before they become victims too.

While not the worst movie in the world, the premise is ridiculous.  What the hell is wrong with the nurses?  Oh I'm dying and I want my mother, so kiss me?  I can see holding hands and comforting an ill teen. But kissing them? What the hell?  And a candy stripers initiation which involves kissing the other candy stripers? And the girls are fine with this? Come one.  That's just some stupid male fantasy.

The Return of Swamp Thing (1989)

After her mothers death, Abby decides to see her stepfather Dr. Arcane to confront him.  They've been estranged and Abby isn't aware that Arcane has a secret basement in his mansion that is filled with his experiments, which seem to consist of combining different life forms.

The experiments aren't going too well and there are a variety of dangerous creatures locked in cages, plus some roaming through the nearby swamp.  The monsters on the loose include Swamp Thing, who was once a scientist that worked with Arcane.

When trouble comes calling, Swamp Thing is there. He saves young children, Abby, and anyone else that he sees menaced by the strange creatures Arcane has created.  Abby is one of the few people not scared by Swamp Things appearance, which I guess is because she works with plants.  Also she's sweet in a way that makes one think she might be slightly dense.

There is a side plot with two little kids who go into the swamp with a camera hoping to get a shot of Swamp Thing.  They want to sell the photo to a national magazine that is promising $10,000 for a snapshot.  The little red haired kid has acting chops right out of a 1930s Little Rascals short.  Heather Locklear isn't very good in this either.

This is a really hard movie to watch.  It's just not that good and I found my mind wandering while I watched it.  Even a friend of mine who liked it, but hadn't seen it for years, was surprised at how bad it was.  I know it was made as a campy movie, and I might have enjoyed it when it was released, but it hasn't stood the test of time.

Beast of the Bering Sea (2013)

When you see the beast on the cover, you're going to have one of two reactions - good god no, or oh hell yes!  I was pretty darn excited because it looks so ridiculous. But my excitement was unwarranted since this turned out to be a fairly boring movie, with brief patches of enjoyable cliches and ridiculous monsters.

Donna, her brother Joe, and their father Glenn have a dredging business.  Glenn is about to bid on the rights to dredge a particular area of the sea where they believe there is a large amount of gold.

Donna is an ornery woman and isn't impressed with new hand Owen, who was hired because her dad used to work with his dad. We don't learn anything about how Owen's dad, except that he was a damn hard worker.

Donna, Joe, Owen and deck hand Jonas take the boat out for a last dive of the area before the auction. While Jonas is exploring the murky depths, he is killed by an underwater creature which Joe mistakenly assumes is a shark. Surprisingly they don't notify anyone about the death. Glenn doesn't want to alert the authorities because it will reveal the spot they're going to bid on.

Meanwhile Megan, a marine biologist who is not very good at her job, shows up the next day to notify Donna and the crew that she found a skull sporting a crab on the shore and it appears to be Jonas.  No one shall ask how the body could have gone from deep water to shore in a day.

Megan has the body in her lab, because she isn't going to notify the police either.  She believes Jonas was killed by a creature that has been killing seals and she wants to examine the body. I'm not sure how much human anatomy a marine biologist knows, but since they aren't hired to work in hospitals or morgues, I'm guessing it's not enough to perform the tests she wants to do.

Everyone scoffs at Megan's theory that an unknown creature is killing people.  But then the sparkly sea vampires start flying out of the sea... and walking on land on their tiny feet.... and enveloping people in their bat-like wings and biting peoples heads off. It's never clear how creatures who've lived in the dark depths of the sea their entire lives have genetically developed so that they can fly and walk on land. We just know that no one is safe!

This is a truly ridiculous movie.  The sea vampires are the best part of the movie since they are so silly.  They're sort of like a black plastic trash bag with sparkles on it.  It's very silly indeed.  Also at one point, it looks like there is a string on one of them. I'm not sure why a flying CGI creature would have a string on it, but there you go. That's the level of entertainment here.

Sea Vampires - they sparkle!

If the sea vampire were slightly cuter, it would be right out of
a Sid and Marty Krofft show from the 1970s.

The Quiet Ones (2014)

In 1974, Professor Coupland hires Brian to film the psychological research project he's working on.  The Professor and his two grad assistants are working with a teenager named Jane who believes she is being haunted by the spirit of a girl named Evie.  Jane was a foster child and it's not clear if her parents are alive. So Coupland doesn't have any nosy adults snooping around or anyone checking on Janes well being.

Coupland believes that Evie exists in Janes head.  He thinks that if  Jane projects this evil energy into a doll, they can free Jane from the belief that she is possessed by destroying the doll.  Coupland proves to not be that great a researcher since anything that happens to disprove his theory is ignored.

Jane is kept locked up in a room and music is constantly played to keep her awake or disorient her.  It's not explained why they have to keep playing it, but Coupland isn't the most ethical man, which is why his funding is pulled by the university and he is forced to take his experiment off campus, where he rents an isolated home.

Brian, who is supposed to procure film stock, be the cameraman, and keep his mouth shut, has a hard time doing this when he sees how Jane lives. Not only does he feel sorry for her, but he develops  feelings for her, which Coupland warns him is dangerous.

Brian is right to be concerned since Couplands methods include depriving Jane of sleep, food, and even burning her arm with a candle.  The longer the research goes on, the more strange things happen and it seems that Couplands theory is incorrect and there are actually paranormal things going on in the house.

This is a Hammer film, and as such it focuses on story rather than blood and gore.  As opposed to the majority of the low budget movies I've been watching, the acting was good.  The story wasn't all that original and wouldn't be something I'd watch again, but it was a decent effort and I liked that it was set in the 1970s.  Also the main song they play over and over is Slade song Cum on Feel the Noize, which is cool.

Dead Country (2008)

After his space ship explodes over the town of Romero, a large alien wanders around the countryside while wearing camouflage pants and wondering where everyone has gone.

Meanwhile in a nearby location, kids make out in the woods. Other kids drink and smoke in a car. And it seems that no matter what time or place, almost every woman in the movie has been caught unawares while wearing either her underwear, a bikini, or lingerie.

There's no real plot and nothing much happens.  The alien wanders around talking to himself, and no one else really has anything important to say.  The sound isn't great, there's random scenes with a chubby karate master killing zombies, and randomly the picture suddenly changes to imitate old drive in movies by replicating scratches on film.

The sound track is the 2008 equivalent of a 1980s Casio keyboard.  The zombie make up is really basic - painted green faces or clown white.  A few times during the film, there is text laid over the screen, with lines out of a bad comedy. This is not good.

I thought they were in an Italian restaurant, not a spaceship.

The best effect you'll see in the movie

Typical of the effects you'll see in the movie

Um... it's a zombie?

Somehow he misses the non-threatening zombie in a hoodie.

Random change to old film feel

Why are these corny jokes interspersed through the movie?

Zombies? They are literally a death metal band

This is an alien.

There's too much face in this shot.

Uncomfortable Morrissey zombie

Unseen Evil (2001)

Professor Peter Jensen hires a Native American guide to lead him and a few associates to the sight of some rumored hieroglyphics.  Jensen is cantankerous and rude to the guide.  He wants to keep the trip a secret because he plans to steal Native American artifacts from the cave he's seeking.

On the drive, their guide stops at the ranger station to let the ranger of their plans. This is unfortunate because the muscle that Jensen's hired decides to make sure the ranger won't talk and conks him on the head.

While trekking through the woods, the thugs guns and Jensens plans are inadvertently revealed.  The guide and female member of Jensens party (who wasn't on the plan) are restrained and brought with them so Jensens nefarious activity can't be reported.

The problem Jensen didn't count on is there's an invisible monster in the cave who isn't very happy about being disturbed or the theft.  Also the artifacts are the cheapest looking relics ever. They appear to be plastic.   Either we're not supposed to notice, or Jensen is a terrible archaeologist.

This low budget film has Tim Thomerson in a brief role as the ranger and Richard Hatch, aka Apollo from the 1970s Battlestar Gallactica series, as Professor Jensen.  The invisible monster is occasionally visible and is a ridiculous looking, cartoonish CGI creature that is incredibly unrealistic.  And as if the invisible monster isn't silly enough, they even toss a mention of UFOs into the mix.

Hell's Highway (2002)

A bunch of drunk college kids in two cars are driving cross county and trying to see who can get to Redondo Beach first.  'Cause who doesn't love drunk driving, right?

As they're driving down a deserted highway, the two couples in the car behind see what the guys refer to as a hot hitchhiker. Their girlfriends are not amused.  But the group decides to give her a ride.  To make our characters even more unlikeable, after picking her up, they dump a bag of trash all over a group of crosses by the side of the road.

The hitchhiker tells them her name is Lucinda and beings to tell them the legend of Devil's Highway, the route they're on.   Lucinda acts creepy and talks about killing people, which for some reason they assume is a bad joke. Yes, because it's not at all threatening or weird when a complete strangers gets in your car and jokes about murder.

After discovering she's not joking, they manage get away from her.  Shortly after this, they pull over by the side of the road for a drink because they're just not that bright.  But I guess it doesn't matter since Lucinda seems to be everywhere they go, and they start to believe she is the devil.

This is a low budget movie which isn't that interesting. It one weird scenes with the group starring at each other, and close ups of their eyes as they wait to see if their pager is going to ring.  Yes, I said pager, which is odd since their friends in the other car have cell phones.  Also watch for the miniatures that are used for the gas station explosion scene. You can't miss it.

Continuity -
When they pull over and stop at the side of the road, the car is stationary. But in the shots of the driver you can tell the car is moving because the scenery is going by outside the car window.

Swamp Zombies (2004)

A Doctor doing secret experiments with corpses - isn't that always the way? - is alarmed to hear that an agent from the government is there to do an inspection.  The stranger literally says, "I'm Agent Schiller with the Federal Government," but no one blinks an eye or even questions why he doesn't identify himself as being from a specific branch of the government.  It's not a plot point, just bad writing.

The Doctor hires two thugs to get rid of the bodies, and asks them to take the bodies to the lake and bury them deep.  I'm not sure how they are supposed to bury them in the lake, but the thugs don't seem to have any questions about these instructions. So they may not be too bright.

Meanwhile a group of college students and their professor are heading into the swamp for an overnight trip.  Also in the swamp, we have a pot farmer and his girlfriend, who are spending a night in a tent to keep an eye on their crop.  There's also a swamp hermit, and a couple of fishermen who borrowed a walkie talkie from a friendly ponytailed ranger who likes to practice martial arts while not wearing a shirt.  Plus a large lady ranger who should not have been called on to do stunt work.  So there are plenty of victims for the taking when the corpses come to life and rise from the swamp...lake...whatever.

This is a very low budget movie in every sense of the word. The sound appears to have been recorded by the mic on the camera, and ambient noise often drown out the dialogue.  The video looks any homemade movie you've ever seen, and the acting is on par with the homemade style of the video.  The most horrifying thing about this film is that it was originally three hours and was then cut down to just two... two very, very long hours.

Ridiculous dialogue:

He was in a rather vicious house fire.

Death Factory (2002)

When someones parents unexpectedly stay home on the night of a party to celebrate the end of the semester, a small group of super old college students decide to move the party to the abandoned chemical factory at the edge of town. Because nothing says party like remnants of toxic chemicals and dirt covered rooms full of useless and broken items.

The group arrives at the factory dressed to party. One woman even wears a tight white dress, as if she was going out to a nightclub. So she's expecting the abandoned building to be clean?  Based on the few things they bring to the party, it's going to be really lame.  And while they refer to this building as a factory, it looks more like a Halloween Haunt that's shut down for the season.  There's lots of plywood and passageways with no drywall.

Inside they search for a good room to use as party central. But all the rooms are dirty and most don't have any furniture. When they get tired of wandering, they stop in one of the filthy rooms and set up the boom box.  

Later they discover a room with a fancy four poster bed sporting clean sheets.  One couple decides to make good use of that, while another settles down in a room with the dirty couch.  No one shall ask why people in horror movies are never concerned about the filth, dirt, debris, and possibility of insects or bodily fluids on these abandoned couches or bedding.

Legend has it that when the chemical factory was operating, one of the workers went crazy after there was a chemical spill.  No one is concerned enough to leave, although the girls worry that there may be weirdos wandering around in the factory.  They'd be smarter if they worried about the toxic chemicals that may be in the building, and seeping into their pores.

Since the movie starts with a couple of murders in the factory, we already know there is a killer on the loose. The monster is interesting, but not threatening.  It's a girl with metal teeth, ripped clothing, a face of clown white, and metal fingernails attached to what resembles wire coat hangers going down her arms to the elbow.  Not so scary. This creature will leave you questioning what sort of chemicals would make someones teeth turn into metal and pointy.

Watch for the scene where two of the women get into a fight in the basement while searching for a door or tunnel out. As they tussle with each other, they bang into the set wall in the back, which ends up falling over and bonking them on the heads.

Channeling the daughter from American Dad

Best thing to wear to an abandoned chemical factory?
A short tight white dress 

Rabid Clown?

The fabulous decor of the abandoned factory

Death is so ridiculous

The weird wires on her arms are interesting, not scary

Continuity police - he has a smear of blood on his head and his
hand is stained red from blood, but they haven't found the body yet

Two women near the wall in the top photo. In the bottom, they've
moved into the foreground and the set has fallen down onto them.
Note how close the blue blanket hanging off the
wall is in the second frame.

Raving Maniacs (2004)

Tuesday, her boyfriend TJ, her friend Katie and Katies younger brother drive to swinging downtown Providence, RI to go to a rave.  On the way, they almost run over a guy standing in the street. When he gets in their car without an invitation, TJ wants to throw him out. But Tuesday insists they give him a ride, even though every one is uncomfortable with this weirdo in their midst.

When they park the car, he's gone. But on the ground, they find four capsules in plastic bag. The girls assume the stranger left them drugs to thank them for the ride. Yeah, no one ever said these kids were bright.  No one shall ask why they ingest the capsules since they are filled with glow in the dark liquid, are the size of suppositories, and no one has a freakin' clue what they actually are.

The mystery drug is going around the rave, and everyone who can get their hands on it is gulping it down.  So when things start to go horribly wrong, it's not a surprise - except to the viewer because it takes an hour for anything to happen other than bad dialogue, flashing lights, makeup, and dancing.

The description on the DVD stated "...the reckless kids become part of an alien plot to distribute some strange drugs."  But I never would have known this movie had anything to do with aliens without this sentence.  You'll end up with more questions than answers.  Why is there no mention of aliens in the movie?  Why isn't there an alien in the film?  Is this really the beset level of distribution they could think of?  Why does the drug change some people into zombies, while others die or hallucinate before doing crazy things?  If these are aliens, then how come they don't have a better idea on how to harvest their eggs? They can travel to another planet, but have to get kids to ingest these large capsules in order to complete their mission? Was the girl at at the end supposed to sing off key? And couldn't they have picked a better public domain song to use?