Saturday, March 21, 2015

Beast of the Bering Sea (2013)

When you see the beast on the cover, you're going to have one of two reactions - good god no, or oh hell yes!  I was pretty darn excited because it looks so ridiculous. But my excitement was unwarranted since this turned out to be a fairly boring movie, with brief patches of enjoyable cliches and ridiculous monsters.

Donna, her brother Joe, and their father Glenn have a dredging business.  Glenn is about to bid on the rights to dredge a particular area of the sea where they believe there is a large amount of gold.

Donna is an ornery woman and isn't impressed with new hand Owen, who was hired because her dad used to work with his dad. We don't learn anything about how Owen's dad, except that he was a damn hard worker.

Donna, Joe, Owen and deck hand Jonas take the boat out for a last dive of the area before the auction. While Jonas is exploring the murky depths, he is killed by an underwater creature which Joe mistakenly assumes is a shark. Surprisingly they don't notify anyone about the death. Glenn doesn't want to alert the authorities because it will reveal the spot they're going to bid on.

Meanwhile Megan, a marine biologist who is not very good at her job, shows up the next day to notify Donna and the crew that she found a skull sporting a crab on the shore and it appears to be Jonas.  No one shall ask how the body could have gone from deep water to shore in a day.

Megan has the body in her lab, because she isn't going to notify the police either.  She believes Jonas was killed by a creature that has been killing seals and she wants to examine the body. I'm not sure how much human anatomy a marine biologist knows, but since they aren't hired to work in hospitals or morgues, I'm guessing it's not enough to perform the tests she wants to do.

Everyone scoffs at Megan's theory that an unknown creature is killing people.  But then the sparkly sea vampires start flying out of the sea... and walking on land on their tiny feet.... and enveloping people in their bat-like wings and biting peoples heads off. It's never clear how creatures who've lived in the dark depths of the sea their entire lives have genetically developed so that they can fly and walk on land. We just know that no one is safe!

This is a truly ridiculous movie.  The sea vampires are the best part of the movie since they are so silly.  They're sort of like a black plastic trash bag with sparkles on it.  It's very silly indeed.  Also at one point, it looks like there is a string on one of them. I'm not sure why a flying CGI creature would have a string on it, but there you go. That's the level of entertainment here.

Sea Vampires - they sparkle!
If the sea vampire were slightly cuter, it would be right out of
a Sid and Marty Krofft show from the 1970s.

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