Monday, December 29, 2014

Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987)

Agent Donna and civilian Taryn are working undercover as pilots for the Molokai charter service. When they take a couple to a deserted beach for a romantic weekend, the girls accidentally intercept some diamonds intended for a drug kingpin. In another bad move, the girls are also transporting a contaminated snake that escapes when it's crate is damaged.

When the bad guys go after the girls to get their diamonds back, hunky agents Rowdy and Jade are called in to help.  Not only do they need to figure out how to protect the girls and take down the drug lord, they've got to find that snake before something horrible happens!

If you've seen one Andy Sidaris movie, then you'll know exactly what you're in for - topless scenes, guns, and ridiculous dialogue. Overall, they're pretty boring unless you want to see nudity, but this one is hilarious. It ups the ante by including death by razor blade Frisbee, a goon known as Shades because he always wears sunglasses, a snake infected with toxins from cancer infested rats (say what?), a radio controlled plane that confounds our female agents, and a guy on a skateboard holding a blow up doll who gets hit by a bazooka.

Amazingly incredible ridiculous dialogue:

"That snake they have is dangerous. It's contaminated!"

(Donna and Taryn, as a toy helicopter flies in and lands in a clearing):
What is that?
It's coming right at us!
Look out! Get out of the way!
Damn, it's landing right here!

Director - "Charlotte, Charlotte. Thank goodness you decided to come. Charlotte, I'm not just some fast talking New York television director. I care for you a great deal.  Trust me, Charlotte."
Charlotte - You practically raped me last night.
Director - That was last night, Charlotte. This is today.

"I want you to listen carefully to everything I have to say.  We had a snake delivered here for the department of health.  Now that snake has been infected by deadly toxins from cancer infested rates."

"If brains were bird shit, you'd have an empty cage."

Rowdy - Who's the girl?
Donna - She's a local. She plays Frisbee with this guy every day.
Rowdy - Hmmmm, good. I can use that.

"The guards name is Shades. We have a file on him."

Chorus of Theme song-
It's a hard ticket to Hawaii
It's not paradise all the time
It's a hard ticket to Hawaii
Although it's like a dream, it's not what it seems

Rowdy is pleased with himself and his speedo
get ready for credits on butcher paper taped to things
Our heroes are Rowdy....
....and the exotically named Jade
This is the reaction of a little girl who sees a snake fifty feet away,
not a drug dealing villain. On the plus side, he must have excellent
eyesight to be able to spot that thing at night when it's so far away.
Meet Taryn and Donna - the women, not the bazooms
The inexplicable series of events that start with a man on a
skateboard hiding behind a blow up doll as he tries to kill
Rowdy and Jade (doesn't that make him MORE noticeable?)
 and ends with Rowdy blowing up said man with a bazooka.
If you can't put your arm in your shirt, just take it off.
Step 1 - line Frisbee with razor blades.   Step 2 - get into friendly game of
Frisbee toss .   Step 3 - substitute razor blade Frisbee resulting in severed
fingers and a damaged jugular. Step 4 -celebrate success with fist pump.

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