Friday, December 5, 2014

Incubus (2006)

Hoooboy, it's a Tara Reid flick. Well, that doesn't bode well for the viewer.

After their van crashes through a guardrail, a group of friends decide to walk to the next town ...because no one got injured when they rolled their van. The group are afraid of being stuck outside in the cold at night. So I guess that means they were totally ill prepared for the camping trip they were on.

The brainiacs decide to take a short cut through the woods - a bad idea in real life, let alone in a horror movie.  They believe flailing through the brush will be quicker than walking down the road. You see, the road curves but they can go in a straight line through the woods.  Anyone who's ever tried walking a straight line through unfamiliar woods will know this is a bad idea.

Their calculations are incorrect and it gets dark while they're still traipsing through the trees. Coincidentally, just as they decide they need shelter, motion sensitive security lights blaze and they discover an old bunker to their left.

"It's not on the map," one person helpfully observes, not realizing that bunkers hidden in the middle of the woods and absent from the map are not a place you should ever visit.  After ignoring the no trespassing sign and kicking a hole in the fence, they knock on the door to ask for help.  No one answers.  So Jay (played by Tara Reid) and her brother climb onto the roof and break in through a skylight. Because if there's one thing hidden mystery bunkers are known for, it's their hospitality to people who break in.

Although they didn't think to bring appropriate clothing for their camping trip, they do have the equipment to rappel into the building.  Jay is the first down, and tells the others it's okay to come in.  One of the girls thinks this is a bad idea, and once the others are in, she jets off without telling the others she's leaving.

While the group is rappelling into the building, Jay goes exploring and trips over a tongue.  No one shall ask how a grown woman could trip over a human tongue.  What kind of messed up walk does she have?  Wouldn't the toe of her shoe just push it?  It's not like the tongue was bolted to the floor.  And how'd she miss a single object in the middle of the concrete floor?  Nothing else there, and whoops, tripped on a severed tongue.

With a couple of dead bodies and a tongue on the floor, the group decides it might be time to leave, but the front door is locked. So they do the next best thing. They explore and discover a large room with a walkway that leads to a locked glass booth with a man strapped in a chair with tubes going into him.  It's not in their best interest to interact with him since they don't know if this is a quarantine situation.  So they unlock the door and start touching him. So much for airborne disease safety. Luckily he's only a serial killer who can use his mind to possess people. Hurrah!

So there you have it.  Trapped in a bunker with a killer with a magic mind, and no way out. What to do?  Something stupid, you ask?  Yes. Yes, indeed.  The movie provides a ton of exposition through the amazing Jay who randomly picks the one room in the complex that contains the files about his mystery man.  Thankfully she is also a speed reader since she plows through all the papers within a few minutes and knows the entire history of his life and the secret government experiment taking place in the bunker.

This is a ridiculous movie full of stupid people doing stupid things.  If you came up with a plan to determine if the coma patient was possessing people, wouldn't you devise a way to counter this possession, if it in fact occurred?  You don't just let the person be possessed and then scream like a madman. Oh no! What do we do? How did that happen? Let's kill it!

Questions this movie will make you ponder include:  if you found a room in a bunker with a comatose person locked in a glass booth, would you keep hanging out there, or think it was super creepy and get the hell away from it?  Why would you use a flashlight when the overhead lights are on?  How come all the flashlights fail at the most inopportune time?  How can the killer speak so well when he's missing a tongue?  Has the writer ever heard of atrophy because that coma victim has no issues with his muscle tone.  And why does Tara Reid think that crying involves saying, "eeeeh hehehehe, ooooooohhhhhh, eeeh hehehe, oooooh, a hahahahah"?  That is some of the worst fake crying I've ever seen in a movie.

Of course no one's hurt. The van only rolled fifty feet
after it went through the guardrail.
The mystery house not on any maps looks so welcoming.
What a charming place to spend the night.
A catwalk that goes to a locked glass room that contains
a guy in a coma?  Nothing suspicious about that.
This looks perfectly safe.
Uhhhh.....weren't you in a coma?
An appropriate reaction to a creepy guy trying to kill you.

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