Torment (2008)

Look at that DVD cover.  You already know this movie isn't going to be very good.

Ray decides to take wife Lauren to a remote home for a relaxing vacation.  Probably not the best idea since he's just picked her up from the loony bin. Also it's later revealed that she was only released because his insurance ran out and he couldn't afford to continue her treatment.  In other words, Ray is stuck with her and  has no confidence in her mental well being.

When Lauren sees a trash bag blowing down the road she thinks it contains a body.  Later she tells Ray there's a clown outside their vacation home.  Ray doesn't believe her.  A clown? In a rural setting?  Why you'd have to be crazy to think.... oh.

Ray's kind of a dick.  If Lauren is hallucinating because she hasn't recovered from her breakdown, he should be more sensitive and considerate.  Also it's probably not a good idea for him to get drunk, especially when Lauren alludes to him having a drinking problem.

When Ray goes out for groceries, Lauren is visited by a Sheriff looking for two missing Mormon teens... teens who appears to be in their thirties.  Later that night when Lauren goes to bed, the clown is looking in her window.  Since Ray hasn't seen the clown or the Sheriff, he makes it clear that he doesn't believe her, and the marital conflict flares.

While the movie doesn't hit any marks for acting or dialogue, which is essentially handled by Ray and Lauren, the biggest issue is that we damn well know Lauren isn't hallucinating. The movie opens with the killer clown torturing and killing the Mormons.  So the uninteresting dialogue between a married couple in emotional crisis, pedestrian acting, and the lack of any real tension complete a trifecta of blandness.

The most interesting thing in the movie was a discussion involving maps and copyright. I'd never heard of trap streets, which are a nonexistent street added to a map to trap potential copyright violators.  If this fictional information shows up on another companies map, the original company knows their map has been reprinted without permission.

Kill List (2011)

I almost gave up on this movie before it kicked into gear. The beginning of the movies is very slow.  It's a couple with their child, some heated arguing, but mostly two British couples talking and having dinner.  But once Jay and Gal go away on a business trip, the whole thing takes a quick 180 degree turn into horrific violence.

Jay and Gal are hit men who've been given a list of three people to eliminate.  Their client is an odd duck who cuts Jay's hand, and then his own, when Jay and Gal decide take the contract.  The list includes a priest, a librarian, and an member of Parliament.  The hit men wonder what these men did to get on the kill list.

Jay's bursts of anger are concerning to Gal, especially when he goes off the hit list to kill some people who are implicated in the horrible actions of one of the men they're hired to eliminate.  Jay's wife Shel has also been concerned about Jay's state of mind. There is the mention of something that went terribly wrong in Kiev, but it's not clear if that was a hit, or something that happened when Gal and Jay were soldiers.

After finding photos and evidence that someone is watching them while they're completing their job, they get uncomfortable about the job.  They try to get out of the last hit by asking the client to approve passing it off to another professional. The client declines and threatens to kill everyone they know if they don't complete their contract.  Things get even more screwed up after that and while I figured out the fight at the end, I was left with a "what the....?!" feeling when the film ended.

With the slow start and WTF ending, I ended up searching online to see people's theories on what happened. I quickly realized that there was a key clue in the film that I hadn't seen. I must have stepped out of the room for a minute, because that one thing would have provided a different perspective on what was occurring.  So don't zone out during the slow parts or you'll miss something that is pretty important. But honestly, I probably liked it more since that lack of information left me totally in the dark and kept me confused about what was going on.

Candy Stripers (2006)

When football star Jack ends up in the hospital with a broken leg, he realizes that something strange is going on with the Candy Stripers.  His buddy Joey, who is in the next bed, has insane teenage bravado which makes him believer he can score with the hot Candy Stripers. Joey's sister Tammy, a tomboy type with a raging crush on Jack, agrees that the Candy Stripers are acting really weird. Jack's girlfriend doesn't care what's going on because she wants to get out of the icky hospital and is annoyed by how Jack's injury will affect her.

Jack's suspicions are correct because the Candy Stripers have been taken over by aliens.... disgusting aliens who wiggle down your throat if your mouth gets to close to someone who's infected.  As more and more hospital staff become aliens, the building goes into quarantine due to the unknown sickness.  Jack and his friends must try to escape before they become victims too.

While not the worst movie in the world, the premise is ridiculous.  What the hell is wrong with the nurses?  Oh I'm dying and I want my mother, so kiss me?  I can see holding hands and comforting an ill teen. But kissing them? What the hell?  And a candy stripers initiation which involves kissing the other candy stripers? And the girls are fine with this? Come one.  That's just some stupid male fantasy.

The Return of Swamp Thing (1989)

After her mothers death, Abby decides to see her stepfather Dr. Arcane to confront him.  They've been estranged and Abby isn't aware that Arcane has a secret basement in his mansion that is filled with his experiments, which seem to consist of combining different life forms.

The experiments aren't going too well and there are a variety of dangerous creatures locked in cages, plus some roaming through the nearby swamp.  The monsters on the loose include Swamp Thing, who was once a scientist that worked with Arcane.

When trouble comes calling, Swamp Thing is there. He saves young children, Abby, and anyone else that he sees menaced by the strange creatures Arcane has created.  Abby is one of the few people not scared by Swamp Things appearance, which I guess is because she works with plants.  Also she's sweet in a way that makes one think she might be slightly dense.

There is a side plot with two little kids who go into the swamp with a camera hoping to get a shot of Swamp Thing.  They want to sell the photo to a national magazine that is promising $10,000 for a snapshot.  The little red haired kid has acting chops right out of a 1930s Little Rascals short.  Heather Locklear isn't very good in this either.

This is a really hard movie to watch.  It's just not that good and I found my mind wandering while I watched it.  Even a friend of mine who liked it, but hadn't seen it for years, was surprised at how bad it was.  I know it was made as a campy movie, and I might have enjoyed it when it was released, but it hasn't stood the test of time.

Beast of the Bering Sea (2013)

When you see the beast on the cover, you're going to have one of two reactions - good god no, or oh hell yes!  I was pretty darn excited because it looks so ridiculous. But my excitement was unwarranted since this turned out to be a fairly boring movie, with brief patches of enjoyable cliches and ridiculous monsters.

Donna, her brother Joe, and their father Glenn have a dredging business.  Glenn is about to bid on the rights to dredge a particular area of the sea where they believe there is a large amount of gold.

Donna is an ornery woman and isn't impressed with new hand Owen, who was hired because her dad used to work with his dad. We don't learn anything about how Owen's dad, except that he was a damn hard worker.

Donna, Joe, Owen and deck hand Jonas take the boat out for a last dive of the area before the auction. While Jonas is exploring the murky depths, he is killed by an underwater creature which Joe mistakenly assumes is a shark. Surprisingly they don't notify anyone about the death. Glenn doesn't want to alert the authorities because it will reveal the spot they're going to bid on.

Meanwhile Megan, a marine biologist who is not very good at her job, shows up the next day to notify Donna and the crew that she found a skull sporting a crab on the shore and it appears to be Jonas.  No one shall ask how the body could have gone from deep water to shore in a day.

Megan has the body in her lab, because she isn't going to notify the police either.  She believes Jonas was killed by a creature that has been killing seals and she wants to examine the body. I'm not sure how much human anatomy a marine biologist knows, but since they aren't hired to work in hospitals or morgues, I'm guessing it's not enough to perform the tests she wants to do.

Everyone scoffs at Megan's theory that an unknown creature is killing people.  But then the sparkly sea vampires start flying out of the sea... and walking on land on their tiny feet.... and enveloping people in their bat-like wings and biting peoples heads off. It's never clear how creatures who've lived in the dark depths of the sea their entire lives have genetically developed so that they can fly and walk on land. We just know that no one is safe!

This is a truly ridiculous movie.  The sea vampires are the best part of the movie since they are so silly.  They're sort of like a black plastic trash bag with sparkles on it.  It's very silly indeed.  Also at one point, it looks like there is a string on one of them. I'm not sure why a flying CGI creature would have a string on it, but there you go. That's the level of entertainment here.

Sea Vampires - they sparkle!

If the sea vampire were slightly cuter, it would be right out of
a Sid and Marty Krofft show from the 1970s.

The Quiet Ones (2014)

In 1974, Professor Coupland hires Brian to film the psychological research project he's working on.  The Professor and his two grad assistants are working with a teenager named Jane who believes she is being haunted by the spirit of a girl named Evie.  Jane was a foster child and it's not clear if her parents are alive. So Coupland doesn't have any nosy adults snooping around or anyone checking on Janes well being.

Coupland believes that Evie exists in Janes head.  He thinks that if  Jane projects this evil energy into a doll, they can free Jane from the belief that she is possessed by destroying the doll.  Coupland proves to not be that great a researcher since anything that happens to disprove his theory is ignored.

Jane is kept locked up in a room and music is constantly played to keep her awake or disorient her.  It's not explained why they have to keep playing it, but Coupland isn't the most ethical man, which is why his funding is pulled by the university and he is forced to take his experiment off campus, where he rents an isolated home.

Brian, who is supposed to procure film stock, be the cameraman, and keep his mouth shut, has a hard time doing this when he sees how Jane lives. Not only does he feel sorry for her, but he develops  feelings for her, which Coupland warns him is dangerous.

Brian is right to be concerned since Couplands methods include depriving Jane of sleep, food, and even burning her arm with a candle.  The longer the research goes on, the more strange things happen and it seems that Couplands theory is incorrect and there are actually paranormal things going on in the house.

This is a Hammer film, and as such it focuses on story rather than blood and gore.  As opposed to the majority of the low budget movies I've been watching, the acting was good.  The story wasn't all that original and wouldn't be something I'd watch again, but it was a decent effort and I liked that it was set in the 1970s.  Also the main song they play over and over is Slade song Cum on Feel the Noize, which is cool.

Dead Country (2008)

After his space ship explodes over the town of Romero, a large alien wanders around the countryside while wearing camouflage pants and wondering where everyone has gone.

Meanwhile in a nearby location, kids make out in the woods. Other kids drink and smoke in a car. And it seems that no matter what time or place, almost every woman in the movie has been caught unawares while wearing either her underwear, a bikini, or lingerie.

There's no real plot and nothing much happens.  The alien wanders around talking to himself, and no one else really has anything important to say.  The sound isn't great, there's random scenes with a chubby karate master killing zombies, and randomly the picture suddenly changes to imitate old drive in movies by replicating scratches on film.

The sound track is the 2008 equivalent of a 1980s Casio keyboard.  The zombie make up is really basic - painted green faces or clown white.  A few times during the film, there is text laid over the screen, with lines out of a bad comedy. This is not good.

I thought they were in an Italian restaurant, not a spaceship.

The best effect you'll see in the movie

Typical of the effects you'll see in the movie

Um... it's a zombie?

Somehow he misses the non-threatening zombie in a hoodie.

Random change to old film feel

Why are these corny jokes interspersed through the movie?

Zombies? They are literally a death metal band

This is an alien.

There's too much face in this shot.

Uncomfortable Morrissey zombie

Unseen Evil (2001)

Professor Peter Jensen hires a Native American guide to lead him and a few associates to the sight of some rumored hieroglyphics.  Jensen is cantankerous and rude to the guide.  He wants to keep the trip a secret because he plans to steal Native American artifacts from the cave he's seeking.

On the drive, their guide stops at the ranger station to let the ranger of their plans. This is unfortunate because the muscle that Jensen's hired decides to make sure the ranger won't talk and conks him on the head.

While trekking through the woods, the thugs guns and Jensens plans are inadvertently revealed.  The guide and female member of Jensens party (who wasn't on the plan) are restrained and brought with them so Jensens nefarious activity can't be reported.

The problem Jensen didn't count on is there's an invisible monster in the cave who isn't very happy about being disturbed or the theft.  Also the artifacts are the cheapest looking relics ever. They appear to be plastic.   Either we're not supposed to notice, or Jensen is a terrible archaeologist.

This low budget film has Tim Thomerson in a brief role as the ranger and Richard Hatch, aka Apollo from the 1970s Battlestar Gallactica series, as Professor Jensen.  The invisible monster is occasionally visible and is a ridiculous looking, cartoonish CGI creature that is incredibly unrealistic.  And as if the invisible monster isn't silly enough, they even toss a mention of UFOs into the mix.

Hell's Highway (2002)

A bunch of drunk college kids in two cars are driving cross county and trying to see who can get to Redondo Beach first.  'Cause who doesn't love drunk driving, right?

As they're driving down a deserted highway, the two couples in the car behind see what the guys refer to as a hot hitchhiker. Their girlfriends are not amused.  But the group decides to give her a ride.  To make our characters even more unlikeable, after picking her up, they dump a bag of trash all over a group of crosses by the side of the road.

The hitchhiker tells them her name is Lucinda and beings to tell them the legend of Devil's Highway, the route they're on.   Lucinda acts creepy and talks about killing people, which for some reason they assume is a bad joke. Yes, because it's not at all threatening or weird when a complete strangers gets in your car and jokes about murder.

After discovering she's not joking, they manage get away from her.  Shortly after this, they pull over by the side of the road for a drink because they're just not that bright.  But I guess it doesn't matter since Lucinda seems to be everywhere they go, and they start to believe she is the devil.

This is a low budget movie which isn't that interesting. It one weird scenes with the group starring at each other, and close ups of their eyes as they wait to see if their pager is going to ring.  Yes, I said pager, which is odd since their friends in the other car have cell phones.  Also watch for the miniatures that are used for the gas station explosion scene. You can't miss it.

Continuity -
When they pull over and stop at the side of the road, the car is stationary. But in the shots of the driver you can tell the car is moving because the scenery is going by outside the car window.

Swamp Zombies (2004)

A Doctor doing secret experiments with corpses - isn't that always the way? - is alarmed to hear that an agent from the government is there to do an inspection.  The stranger literally says, "I'm Agent Schiller with the Federal Government," but no one blinks an eye or even questions why he doesn't identify himself as being from a specific branch of the government.  It's not a plot point, just bad writing.

The Doctor hires two thugs to get rid of the bodies, and asks them to take the bodies to the lake and bury them deep.  I'm not sure how they are supposed to bury them in the lake, but the thugs don't seem to have any questions about these instructions. So they may not be too bright.

Meanwhile a group of college students and their professor are heading into the swamp for an overnight trip.  Also in the swamp, we have a pot farmer and his girlfriend, who are spending a night in a tent to keep an eye on their crop.  There's also a swamp hermit, and a couple of fishermen who borrowed a walkie talkie from a friendly ponytailed ranger who likes to practice martial arts while not wearing a shirt.  Plus a large lady ranger who should not have been called on to do stunt work.  So there are plenty of victims for the taking when the corpses come to life and rise from the swamp...lake...whatever.

This is a very low budget movie in every sense of the word. The sound appears to have been recorded by the mic on the camera, and ambient noise often drown out the dialogue.  The video looks any homemade movie you've ever seen, and the acting is on par with the homemade style of the video.  The most horrifying thing about this film is that it was originally three hours and was then cut down to just two... two very, very long hours.

Ridiculous dialogue:

He was in a rather vicious house fire.

Death Factory (2002)

When someones parents unexpectedly stay home on the night of a party to celebrate the end of the semester, a small group of super old college students decide to move the party to the abandoned chemical factory at the edge of town. Because nothing says party like remnants of toxic chemicals and dirt covered rooms full of useless and broken items.

The group arrives at the factory dressed to party. One woman even wears a tight white dress, as if she was going out to a nightclub. So she's expecting the abandoned building to be clean?  Based on the few things they bring to the party, it's going to be really lame.  And while they refer to this building as a factory, it looks more like a Halloween Haunt that's shut down for the season.  There's lots of plywood and passageways with no drywall.

Inside they search for a good room to use as party central. But all the rooms are dirty and most don't have any furniture. When they get tired of wandering, they stop in one of the filthy rooms and set up the boom box.  

Later they discover a room with a fancy four poster bed sporting clean sheets.  One couple decides to make good use of that, while another settles down in a room with the dirty couch.  No one shall ask why people in horror movies are never concerned about the filth, dirt, debris, and possibility of insects or bodily fluids on these abandoned couches or bedding.

Legend has it that when the chemical factory was operating, one of the workers went crazy after there was a chemical spill.  No one is concerned enough to leave, although the girls worry that there may be weirdos wandering around in the factory.  They'd be smarter if they worried about the toxic chemicals that may be in the building, and seeping into their pores.

Since the movie starts with a couple of murders in the factory, we already know there is a killer on the loose. The monster is interesting, but not threatening.  It's a girl with metal teeth, ripped clothing, a face of clown white, and metal fingernails attached to what resembles wire coat hangers going down her arms to the elbow.  Not so scary. This creature will leave you questioning what sort of chemicals would make someones teeth turn into metal and pointy.

Watch for the scene where two of the women get into a fight in the basement while searching for a door or tunnel out. As they tussle with each other, they bang into the set wall in the back, which ends up falling over and bonking them on the heads.

Channeling the daughter from American Dad

Best thing to wear to an abandoned chemical factory?
A short tight white dress 

Rabid Clown?

The fabulous decor of the abandoned factory

Death is so ridiculous

The weird wires on her arms are interesting, not scary

Continuity police - he has a smear of blood on his head and his
hand is stained red from blood, but they haven't found the body yet

Two women near the wall in the top photo. In the bottom, they've
moved into the foreground and the set has fallen down onto them.
Note how close the blue blanket hanging off the
wall is in the second frame.

Raving Maniacs (2004)

Tuesday, her boyfriend TJ, her friend Katie and Katies younger brother drive to swinging downtown Providence, RI to go to a rave.  On the way, they almost run over a guy standing in the street. When he gets in their car without an invitation, TJ wants to throw him out. But Tuesday insists they give him a ride, even though every one is uncomfortable with this weirdo in their midst.

When they park the car, he's gone. But on the ground, they find four capsules in plastic bag. The girls assume the stranger left them drugs to thank them for the ride. Yeah, no one ever said these kids were bright.  No one shall ask why they ingest the capsules since they are filled with glow in the dark liquid, are the size of suppositories, and no one has a freakin' clue what they actually are.

The mystery drug is going around the rave, and everyone who can get their hands on it is gulping it down.  So when things start to go horribly wrong, it's not a surprise - except to the viewer because it takes an hour for anything to happen other than bad dialogue, flashing lights, makeup, and dancing.

The description on the DVD stated "...the reckless kids become part of an alien plot to distribute some strange drugs."  But I never would have known this movie had anything to do with aliens without this sentence.  You'll end up with more questions than answers.  Why is there no mention of aliens in the movie?  Why isn't there an alien in the film?  Is this really the beset level of distribution they could think of?  Why does the drug change some people into zombies, while others die or hallucinate before doing crazy things?  If these are aliens, then how come they don't have a better idea on how to harvest their eggs? They can travel to another planet, but have to get kids to ingest these large capsules in order to complete their mission? Was the girl at at the end supposed to sing off key? And couldn't they have picked a better public domain song to use?

No One Lives (2012)

Driver and his young girlfriend are traveling to a new place to live and stop at a motel for the night.  Later they decide to get something to eat.  It's a long drive to the nearest restaurant and they are the only two there there until another group arrives.

The newcomers are local burglars who were robbing a mansion when the homeowners arrived back early from vacation.  One of the guys is a loose cannon, and things go horribly wrong.

Trying to make up for the loss of income and get back in the good graces of the leader, the loose cannon decides to target the Driver and his girlfriend. The leader of the group is smart enough to know you don't make trouble in your own backyard, and drags the troublemaker away. But they don't call them loose cannons for nothing and the troublemaker catches up with the young couple on their drive back to the motel.

The problem turns out to be that this couple is not what they seem. So instead of the plan to torture them for their passwords and pin numbers and walk away with lots of money, the burglars find themselves in the middle of something strange involving a kidnapped teenage heiress and a man who seems to be indestructible who is out for revenge.

While you need to suspend disbelief in a few key scenes, this was entertaining and I liked it.  The story was different from your typical plot line, there were some strange twists, and if you like blood, there's a ton of blood.

Deadheads (2011)

Mike wakes up in a strange place, and starts looking for someone, anyone, to figure out where he is and what's happening.  When he finally finds another person, it turns out to be a zombie. Panicked at this development, Mike frantically tries to get help, and is shot  which is when he discovers he's also a zombie, just not the stumbling inarticulate kind. Mike can talk and reason and if you talked to him on the phone, you'd never know he's dead. But his arm has a habit of falling off and he looks pretty bad, (although he looks good for a zombie).

When Mike runs into Brent, another highly functioning zombie, the two band together.  While at a bar getting a beer, Mike sees the date on a newspaper and figures out he's been dead for three years. He also finds an engagement ring in his pocket and decides to track down his girlfriend because he still loves her.  

With Brent and a stumbling brain eating zombie nicknamed Cheese by their side, they try to get back to Mike's home where he can surprise his girl.  They just need to get past the bounty hunters who're getting paid by a mystery corporation which seems to be run by the father of Mike's girlfriend.

Since this is a few years old, and I haven't really heard anything about it, I wasn't sure what to expect. While it's a comedy, it's more slightly amusing than laughable.  It's a low budget indie film, but has a much higher production value than those crappy films that look like they were shot in a friend backyard. As the movie went on, I warmed up to the main characters.  Overall, it's an average film with a couple laugh out loud moments.

The Curse of Blanchard Hill (2006)

A group of teens go camping at Blanchard Hill. A man disappeared there twenty two years ago and there are legends that the woods are cursed. But kids keep going there to make out and camp.  This turns out to be not such a great idea since the guy who disappeared - and was killed somehow by nature -  haunts the woods punishing those who don't respect nature - and by punish, I mean he murders them.

Two lame, drunk, coked up, undercover detectives are called in to investigate since they are close by.  They're essentially useless, just like every other character in this film.

This movie is the equivalent of a bunch of friends deciding to make a movie.  I have no idea if that's the case, but I hope so.  The campfire scenes have a crackling fire that's louder than the dialogue. There are a few scenes where people's lips move but there's no talking. Oddly enough, all the women are overweight and willing to be topless.  And one guy's hair drastically changes lengths overnight.

At first glance, one of the detectives appears to be a middle aged man, until you see him close up and realize he's in his twenties. Honestly he resembles my uncle who died at 45 when his heart exploded, what with the excessive drinking, smoking, and eating - all of which this kid is doing in the film.  And IMDB trivia says his puking scene was real because he was hungover.  This might be funny for your friends, but not so much for the poor audience.  Hung over and puking? Yup, that tells you what type of film to expect.

this shot lets us know we're in for a long uncomfortable ride

He starts as a short haired 45 year old man and transforms into
a long haired, greasy, drunken college kid overnight

He might be pretty cool if he weren't driving a minivan

When this is a set, you know it's a very low budget movie

The only thing more unflattering than this shot,
is that he's trying to look cool by leaning against the tree.

Idol of Evil: Hell is Forever (2011)

After his hijinks get him suspended, David is approached by two priests who want his help locating his former friend, Professor Kixley, who has disappeared.  The Professor disappeared while he was searching for the eye of Kali.

Since David is a published author in mythology, he's familiar with the eye and knows that when combined with the sacred skull, whoever controls it can use it to possess their enemies power. Thankfully none of these people have much power to begin with, and aren't that much of a threat.

Satanists are believed responsible for the kidnapping and for the plot to join the eye and skull. So David and Kixley's assistant set out to track down the Professor and see if they can stop the evil doers from gaining the means to the power and destroying the world... or at least taking over a corner in the city or something.

Luckily the evil Satanists tools of destruction turn out to be a cheap gem and a plastic skull, due to the low budget of this film.

This movie is a pretty dull and the special effects are pretty rudimentary.

The Sleeper (2012)

A sorority is throwing a party hoping to get some pledges. They give an invitation to a sweet pretty girl who goes back to the dorm and convinces her goth-like roommate to come with her, not exactly who the girls are trying to attract.

Unknown to the sorority and their pledges, there is a killer stalking them.  Strange phone calls are received, but the house mother thinks it's one of the girls boyfriends. When girls start disappearing, the sorority realizes that there is something more sinister going on.

Unlike Ti West's House of the Devil, which was so well done that at first I was wondering if it actually was filmed in the seventies, this film doesn't work as a period piece.  If I hadn't known this was supposed to be the 1981, I would never have guessed this was supposed to take place in the 80s. The hairstyles, clothing, and dancing don't fit.

I like 80s slashers. While I was disappointed by the overall feel, and it was an average slasher, it did follow a more typical 80s storyline with the random killer whose motivation is in question.