The Dead of Night (2004)

Mental patient Gerald kills some staff, breaks out of the asylum, and ends up hiding in a local cemetery.  Meanwhile at the high school, the popular kids are beating up on geeky Carl until new kid Mel forcibly removes jock Darryl's fist from Carl's face. The arrival of the principal breaks up the fight between Mel and Darryl.

Inexplicably Darryl apologizes and invites the geeks and Mel to the gang's party that night at the cemetery.  Carl is psyched to be included while his friend Howard is more skeptical.  Note to geeks:  Never accept an invitation to party with the popular kids, especially when your last interaction was them telling you what a geek you are and beating you up.  Don't you know it's always going to end up with some horrible prank at your expense?

When Carl and Howard show up at the party, they are tied up and dumped into a grave. Hey geeks, it's all in good fun. We're just hazing you so you can join our cool kid group.

But what no one knows is that there are strange creatures in the cemetery. What are they? What do they want?  Where did they come from? What does Gerald have to do with them? You'll never know.

Once characters are turned into creatures, all they do is slowly walk in tandem through the school. Oooh isn't that scary, kids? Oh and the monsters wear rubber masks which move as they talk, but not in a good way.  The mouths don't move but the masks do from the movement of the actors chins while speaking. Plus the monsters speak with an effect on their voices which makes their dialogue incomprehensible much of the time.  When you can understand it, lulls you into a sleepy state.

Note to movie makers: when your cast looks like this...

... make sure your stock footage of high
school students is from a caucasian school

Just your typical high school student. He's not a day over 18.

This is what we have to fear from these creatures

The rubber creature masks.

Hide and Creep (2004)

Well I didn't expect this. We've full frontal male nudity within first five minutes of film. Yikes!  And it's not even a hunky guy, which makes it considerably more shocking. It's just out of nowhere and you'll wish they got this man some pants quicker than it happens.

Chuck, a small town video store owner, finds a zombie in his shop.  He thinks it's just a crazy homeless guy and tries to stop him. Well you know you can't just stop a zombie, and after a short skirmish, Chuck dispatches of him.  So he calls the police to report the death.

The Sheriff is out of town and the secretary is useless. So Chuck ends up leaving the zombie in the police station with a note to call him, and then goes to get some lunch.

On the other side of town, some hunters go to investigate noises in the woods and find zombies munching on a friend.  They quickly figure out what's going on and run back to the cabin to get their guns. This makes the fact that Chuck couldn't figure it out really annoying since he was just talking to a customer about zombie movies.

Eventually Chuck, the hunters, the secretary, and her ex-boyfriend end up working together to try to escape the town and contain the zombie outbreak, whichever works.

This is a low budget horror comedy. Some of the jokes aren't that good, and the characters can be annoying at times. But overall it's okay and kept my attention.  The segment in the supermarket was the best part and the PA announcements regarding the zombies were pretty funny. Overall I liked it and can over look it's flaws.

John Carter (2012)

Civil War vet John Carter searches for gold and is captured by the Cavalry who requests his help to fight Indians.  Carter escapes but the Calvary gives chase and then he runs into   Indians.

After hiding in a cave, he runs into a being from another world who he kills in an altercation. John grabs the beings blinking medallion and is transported to a strange barren landscape where he appears to have acquired super jumping powers.

Shortly after finding a nest with eggs which birth adorable little aliens, Carter is captured by a four armed, twelve foot tall race of aliens.  He also discovers there are other people on the planet who look like him, and figures out he has somehow ended up on Mars where there is a war going on.

The first problem with this movie is that you need the right actor to play John Carter.  Carter's reactions are right out of a Clint Eastwood western, Dirty Harry or Indiana Jones movie.  But not every actor can pull off that delivery. So instead of endearing himself to the audience with his independence and refusal to blindly follow authority, he's more like a cantankerous, obnoxious, unlikeable guy.

Second big problem is the pacing is often tedious and plot points contradict themselves.  There's action, then romance, then long scenes of dialogue that you'll drift through waiting for something to happen.

The biggest problem is why did anyone think naming this John Carter was a good idea?  Who the hell is John Carter?  Why should I care?  It sounds like it's going to be serious adult themed drama, not an action scifi movie based on Mars.  Why not John Carter of Mars?  Or John Carter and the Alien Planet?  Something to clue people in on the fact that it's a scifi action film.  But John Carter? Boring!

The movie is based on the Edgar Rice Burroughs books, which influenced many filmmakers. This leads to another problem. Even though this is the source story for a lot of ideas of modern scifi film making, it looks derivative as it's ideas have been appropriated by others and done before.  So as you watch you think of Star Wars, the adventures of Indiana Jones, or Avatar or some other scifi movie.

The best parts are that the movie looks fantastic and unlike many movies, the CGI looks good and not like the actor is in front of a green screen.  Also the alien pug is absolutely adorable and it's speed makes it even cuter.

The House that Would Not Die (1970)

Aunt Ruth and niece Sara move into a huge old house that Ruth inherited from a long lost relative.  Manly neighbor Pat stops by to say hello as he's surprised that anyone is living in the house.  He invites them to a party so they can meet some of the local folks.

Turns out their new house is a mystery to the townfolk as Ruth's relative wouldn't let anyone inside. Everyone is curious to see what it looks like and there are rumors of a haunting so they also want to hold a seance.  Ruth and Sara think it might be fun so the gang comes over and they raise a supernatural ruckus.

Soon Sara is acting strange and falling into trances, and Pat is  getting rough with Ruth and being scary.  The portrait above the fireplace falls on the floor and the door to the cellar is found open when it had been closed. Also people start seeing ghostly figures from the Revolutionary War period.  Spooky.

The spirits in the house start gaining more power. They begin taking over Sara, even when she's at Pat's house.  And Pat's getting super creepy.  The kind of creepy where no woman is going to want to be alone in the same room with him, even if there are other people in the house.

One of the things I like about older films is that they have long shots where the camera follows the action unfolding.  Instead of the quick cuts that make up a scene in modern films, the characters have to relate to each during the scene.  It's just far more interesting and can really help to build tension.

Barbara Stanwyck plays Ruth.  When I was a kid, I only knew Stanwyck as the old lady on The Big Valley. She annoyed the hell out of me.  But actually she's a really good actress. She does a great job in this.

So if you're in the mood for an older film which is more about atmosphere than blood, this is a decent movie.  It's more along the lines of 1963's The Haunting, just not as good.  Be aware that if you need those quick cuts to keep from being bored, you'll want to avoid this.  This is story based and the tension builds based on the performances.  When Pat gets possessed, he's really uncomfortable to watch as there's something extremely menacing about him.

I have to mention the updated graphics for the movie.  The cover and main menu make it look like a recent horror movie with an eyeless Marilyn Manson ghost coming to get you. This is bound to disappoint everyone. Anyone who falls for the new cover will be disappointed by getting an old film.  While anyone who'd be interested in old film will ignore it due to the new cover made to appeal to teens.  Nice marketing ploy.

You think you're getting this....

...but you're really getting this

Hard Rock Zombies (1984)

A fun loving band goes on tour and ends up in a town where they were warned not to go.  The townsfolk don't want them there and don't like their big city rocknroll ways.  The real mystery is why the band was asked to play two shows in this town.  Surely whoever owns the local venue wouldn't have booked them?

The townsfolk try to make them cancel, but the band is expecting  a big talent scout to come to see them.  They are also staying at the family estate of a female hitchhiker wearing short shorts that they picked up on the way. Her family is a bunch of freaks who like to murder unsuspecting people who pick up the daughter.

The movie is bizarre and includes Nazis, a werewolf granny, Hitler, zombies, dwarves, wacky music montages of the band, and some of the most ridiculous zombie walking ever which looks like a cross between a robot and bad 80s dancing.

There is also a ridiculous scene where people trapped by zombies come up with the theory that "Ghouls don't like heads."  So they get huge cut outs of celebrities heads and hide behind them to try to escape.  As you can imagine, it doesn't work out so well.

There's also a love story between the lead singer and a teenager girl who looks way to young for him. Creepy.

His hair is disturbing

The strangest promotional tool for a band ever

Dancing! Skateboards! Mimes!  Silly Poses!
It's wacky music montage time!

Caterpillar brows is far too young for you.

The band is electrocuted by maniacs

Apparently zombie bands wear Kiss makeup

Nothing good can come from this

Ghouls hate heads

Yeah, you just knew that wasn't going to work

The Stitcher (2007)

A group of friends go to a small hick town for the weekend after one of the girls inherits a house from her aunt.  On the way there,   one girl loses her directions and stops at a local store to ask for directions and use the restroom.  The bathroom is covered in blood, which freaks her out, but not enough to stop looking for a  map.  Okay Crazy, good riddance!

None of the group is aware that the town is menaced by The Stitcher, a local killer who sews buttons on himself.  Yeah sounds like he'd be in more pain than anyone else until you realize that he's going to kill you to get your buttons.  You see, there's a textile mill in town and if you're wearing buttons, the Stitcher's going to get you.  Yeah.... that about sums it up.

The characters hang out, play pool, drink, are totally unlikeable and most of them are annoying.

This is shot on video and has all the hallmarks of an amateur film - the jokes fall flat, the acting ranges from passable to downright horrible, they plug the band who did the soundtrack in the film - not once but twice - and they ramp up the repulsion level by thinking fake hillbilly teeth and flatulence are comedy gold.  The local yokels all have dirt smudged on their faces and there is a wacky homeless lady.

Even the bloopers aren't funny.  It seems like the cast and crew had fun on the set, which is cool. But having fun doesn't mean you've made a good movie.  Well, I'm sure the bloopers are funny if you were on set, but if not, they're not that interesting.

Most ridiculous dialogue:  "...my aunt died. She never could have kids. So I'm the closest thing to family she has."  Uhhhh, wait, if she's you're aunt, she is family.

If you're going to make a movie, you need to lean how to spell check
Please note that we have a Blooper REAL

Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012)

Underwater drilling along the Jersey Shore causes vibrations which unleash deep water albino sharks which had towards the coastline.  A group of friends, based on the dopes on Jersey Shore, hang around the beach, drink in the bar, get in fights with rich preppy kids, discover the half eaten body of a fisherman, and notice the sharks swimming along the shore.

Being the good kids that they are, they try to warn the police, where The Complication's father is the chief, but no one believes them. So they ask the radio station to air a warning.  When that fails, they try to warn the crowd at the Joey Fatone concert on the beach.

When Joey and his manager don't believe them, they head over to the country club to warn the preps even though they hate them.  They don't believe them either.  In fact no one believes their warning until Joey Fatone is eaten mid performance by a shark. Hurrah!

As it's fourth of July weekend, the mayor does damage control by showing the press a dead shark and declaring the water safe for human frolicking.  But you know that's a big mistake as anytime someone says to close the beaches and the mayor is refuses, there's bound to be death in the water.

This is a stereotypical shark movie with annoying reality TV kids. It's passable if watching with friends or you've got it on in the background as you do something else.  I was sorely disappointed that the Guido's are the heroes and don't all die a horrible death.

Gantz (2010)

A group of strangers who may or may not be dead are transported to a small room where a large black orb called Gantz provides them with body armor and weapons, and sends them on a mission to kill an alien living on Earth.

The two main characters are teenagers who were best friends when they were children, but now they are essentially strangers.

They are teleported to a location near the alien with instructions to find him and kill him.  They must learn how to fight and use their weapons, or their intended victim may kill them.  Some players don't want to kill anyone. Others are willing to do what they have to as it keeps them alive.

Each person is awarded points based on their battle and the most going to the person who kills the alien.  Once they get 100 points, they can go back to their lives with their memory of this erased, or they can resurrect a dead player.  Since players often only get 1 point in a mission, it is almost impossible to get the required number of points.

Once the mission is over, they are transported back to their regular lives.  But they never know when Gantz may summon them again, and by summon, it means teleport them to the white room for another alien killing mission.

The movie is based on Anime, which I haven't read.  That's probably a good thing as I have nothing to compare it to and can't be disappointed if they take liberties with the story.  I liked this movie. It's bizarre but it's another one where there's a second movie which wraps up the first.  It wasn't as much of a cliffhanger as the Death Note movies, but just keep that in mind.

Filth to Ashes: Flesh to Dust (2011)

A group of teens head out to the old abandoned building in the middle of nowhere where a serial killer used to take his victims.  They plan to go in and take pictures since one of the girls hasn't gotten an acceptance letter yet from Harvard.  They figure if she gets the scoop on this serial killer, then Harvard will be impressed and accept her. Huh?!  That makes no sense whatsoever.  So she's going to send them photos taken with a point and shoot camera?  Oh yes, they'll be ever so impressed.

Once they get there, most of the group are scared to go in.  Our Harvard wanna be musters up her courage by repeating, "Harvard... Harvard..."  Her friends say this is an awesome idea because "who else is going to have access to a serial killer?"  Right. Because Harvard is really impressed by people who have access to serial killers.

Everyone knows the killer is dead as the story was in all the newspapers when the killings were discovered. But for some reason, he shows up. What's up with that? No explanation is ever offered.

Oh and some of the kids are racists, just like our killer.  This makes our annoying teen victims far more unlikeable than your normal obnoxious teen in horror movies these days.  Why are all teens/college students in recent horror movies hideous people? In older films there might be one or two that you hated, but the others were okay, even if they were dorky stereotypes.  But now it's just people you hate, and maybe an over the top nerd and one sweet innocent girl.  How about some characters I don't want to see die?  Damn writers!

Schizo (1976)

Famous figure skater Samantha gets married and the next week of her life sucks.  The wedding night and first week of married life should be best. But the Ice Queen's involves a bloody machete to cut wedding cake, attempted murder, fake spiders, fights, psychic arguments, drunks, stalking, and her friend hitting on her husband. What next?

William, who used to date Samantha's mother and stabbed her to death as Samantha watched, sees the wedding announcement in the paper and decides to get in touch - and by in touch I mean creepily stalk her and try to murder her.  The problem is that no one will believe her, including her new husband.

People she knows get killed and still no one believes her.  Odd things show up in the house, no one believes her.  Hey was the maid here today?  No. That's odd it looks like someone's been in the house.  Oh well, nothing to worry about, it's not like someone is trying to kill you or anything.  You'd think they'd believe her what with all the mysterious deaths and the large bloody machete which showed up at the wedding.

Forever Evil (1987)

Mark plans a weekend at his parents lake home before they put it on the market. His girlfriend Holly, his brother Jay and Jay's girlfriend Julie, plus another couple are ready for a weekend of partying. However evil has been unleashed... somewhere... but it  must be nearby since soon everyone is fighting for their lives.

After Mark, the only survivor, is released from the hospital, he meets Reggie, a woman who was the lone survivor of a similar  demonic slaughter of her friends.  The two team up with Detective Leo to figure out what is happening and why.

There is no question that this falls into the bad movie category.  But for some reason, I kind of liked it.  It's too long, clocking in at almost two hours, and our hero looks like a cross between Jack Black and William Shatner in his T.J. Hooker days. This is kind of creepy and kind of fascinating at the same time.

If you watch the trailer, it makes the movie look like the Evil Dead.  But it's not in the same league at all.

Most insulting fond recollection of a girlfriend ever:
Mark:  "So anyway, Holly wasn't exactly what you'd call beautiful, but she knew how to use make up."

Ouch!

Something happens.

William Shatner praises his brothers love of generic College.

Oh... this doesn't look good. Do you think we should leave?

Someone watched the Evil Dead.

Professional Lawman here. Yes, my wall is covered with
ridiculous tabloid clippings - why do you ask?

Mark's research involves looking at Microfiche and reading
obviously made up stories from tabloids.

High waisted slacks above the navel and a sleeveless
undershirt? What is this the 1940s?

This fabulous grappling hook invention
will save our lives... oh I guess it won't.

Jack Black is not amused.

It's never a good thing when there's a devil baby.

Grim (1995)

Suburbanites using a Ouija board in an abandoned shack set free a monster who prowls the caves under their neighborhood and materializes in living rooms to kill people.

Homes in the area are starting to show structural damage. So a group of spelunkers - including two of the people who unleashed the monster - go into the caves to see if local mining operations have been drilling under their homes.

Well, get ready for a collision course with a killing machine as the group runs into the monster and runs about in the caverns.  The monster on the cover is what it looks like, so that should tell you what you're getting into - and why are adults in an abandoned shack with a Ouija board?  They can do that in their own home.

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2011)

Johnny Blaze is back and he's chewing the scenery.  This time the Ghost Rider bands together with a monk to rescue a child that Satan, known as Roarke, is after. But the Rider is too busy killing wrong doers, like people who tell little white lies and those who do illegal downloading, (an extremely heavy handed bit of propaganda if ever there was one).  This makes me hope that instead of killing murderers and rapists, we're going to see the flaming skeleton smash into some Ivy League dorm room and vaporize a straight A student for downloading a Justin Bieber tune from a bit torrent.

The monk also states he can help the Ghost Rider rid himself of the curse. Hurrah!... uh wait.  Is that a good idea at this point in time, since Satan and his minions are chasing you and trying to steal the child you're protecting?  So why would Ghost Rider pick this exact moment to perform a ritual freeing himself from the curse and becoming a normal human being?  Well you'd be right to ask, as there is no good reason other than he's an idiot.

As soon as Blaze loses the Ghost Rider curse, the movie goes right into snores-ville since the only thing that was really entertaining was Ghost Rider vaporizing people and the flaming skull and fire effects.  What we have left is Nic Cage getting beaten up, and while that does sound appealing, it's not very interesting.

Watch for Carrigan, who is regenerated with the power of decay.  Whatever he touches decays to dust in seconds.  This makes it impossible to eat food since it decays at his touch, except for Twinkies. People also decay.  I kept wishing his steering wheel would decay as that would make things more interesting, but to no avail.

Overall - cool effects and flaming skeleton, but then the ghost rider disappears and there's no reason for the movie.

Maximum Conviction (2012)

Steven Seagal is Tom Steele, formerly black ops, assigned to decommission a prison along with his partner Manning, played be Steve Austin, (the wrestler not 6 million dollar man, although that would've been excellent.)

Two female prisoners are brought to the prison, and Seagal is in charge of signing them in and out.  When the FBI show up to take the women to another location, the warden states they need to see Steele, who isn't there at the moment.  This does not sit well with their leader, played by Michael pare as they are actually mercenaries who are up to no good.

When Seagal arrives back at the prison and discovers something is afoot, he puts on camo, a backward ball cap and sunglasses. So you know he's damn serious.

The movie ramps up... something at this point as it's good guys vs bad guys.  Pare's group tries to locate the women by threatening the warden and using an inside source.  While  Seagal and Austin try to get the women to safety and wipe out the bad guys.

The strange thing about this movie is that Austin and Seagal are hardly in any scenes together.  They each do their thing and it works to a certain extent, but it's still odd.

Laughs are at Seagal's expense when he wanders into a scene near the end of the movie with his huge camo vest which - upon his large frame -  resembles a sympathy pregnancy suit.  It just looks ridiculous.  Unfortunately for Seagal, at other times in the movie he could be referred to as a potato in an overcoat or Old Dracula.  Thus another reason for it being a good idea to team him up with Steve Austin again.

Voyage of the Rock Aliens (1984)

Instead of the desired effect of propelling Pia Zadora to a successful acting and singing career, this movie has essentially been lost in time. In one sense, that's good because it's not a good movie.  The jokes are lame, the plot is right out of a 1960s beach movie, and we have to hear Zadora sing pop songs.  On the other hand, it's so ridiculous that we had lots of fun watching it.

Aliens in a spaceship shaped like a guitar head to Earth to check out the source of a music video. Unfortunately for them the video is by Jermaine Jackson and Pia Zadora aka Dee Dee. So right off the bat we know the aliens have no taste.  However they do get points for styling themselves after Devo.

Dee Dee likes hanging out at the beach with her boyfriend Frankie, (Craig Sheffer with a face chiseled from granite).  But Frankie's main interest is his band The Pack, and he doesn't care about Dee Dee's desire to sing. She's just a girl so she should back off, stop bothering him, and come when he calls.

Hijinx ensue as the aliens wander around the town of Speelburgh trying to fit in with the kids.  When they meet Dee Dee, Absid (spelled ABCD), the leader of the aliens ,falls for her.  Dee Dee is tired of Frankie being a jerk and she's flattered by Abcd's interest.

Then it's time for the rock off at Heidi High.  The bands play at the opposite ends of the gym, and the crowd runs back and forth to watch whoever they think is best.  It's The Pack (aka Jimmy and the Mustangs whose best known song is Justine) vs. the Alphabet band (because all the aliens have names made up of letters of the alphabet) and their space robot.  Plus Abcd let's Dee Dee sing with them, so take that Frankie!

Pia's wardrobe is terrible and unflattering, especially her white suit with billiard pockets and her napkin ring hair accessory.

The film also has Ruth Gordon as the Sheriff who is obsessed with locating the aliens, and Michael Berryman as a mental patient.

Dorky aliens

The Pack aka Jimmy and the Mustangs at the diner

Are we not men? We are the Alphabet Band

Since when is a napkin ring a hair accessory?

Frankie's jaw can kill you

A sea serpents gives her the hook. Someone hit a
pool ball into her side pocket.

Promo shot of the Aliens

Slaughtered (2010)

After a pub closes for the night, the employees hang out and have a few drinks.  When one girl's obnoxious boyfriend shows up, the party stalls. Then they discover a drunk who was asleep in the bar and ask him to leave.  While he's walking to his car, he's killed.

The next night, the owner and another worker find the dead drunk lying in the pool room upstairs.  They decide to call the police and lock the all doors of the pub to make sure the killer doesn't escape. Doesn't seem like a very bright idea since it means they're all locked in with a killer.

It's low budget and not all that exciting but it's okay considering it's on one of these cheapie DVD packages.  Locking themselves in with a killer is ridiculous and the twist as to who the killer is, well not real surprising.  I guess the best thing I can say about it is that it's better than two of the other movies that I've watched on this DVD set.

One Dark Night (1982)

I picked this up because I thought Jimmy McNichol was in it.  There's a guy on the cover who has a similar haircut and I was always curious about McNichol doing a horror movie since he was a teen idol for awhile.  But then the credits started, and I discovered he's not in the movie.  While I was originally disappointed, it turned out to be decent.

Julie has always wanted to be one of The Sisters, the coolest group in school, what with their three members, their satin jackets with the neon word Sisters emblazoned across the back, and the girl who chews a toothbrush all the time. But Julie is dating the ex-boyfriend of the Sisters leader, who wants him back and hates Julie.

The Sisters haven't exactly been nice to Julie so it's odd she wants to join.  They've been hazing her mercilessly and have one more initiation.  If she passes the test, they'll let her in the club.  Trouble is that their plan is to make sure she fails and ban her from group.  Oh well, that's high school for you.

The last test is spending a night inside the cemetery's massive mausoleum.  The Sisters drop her off and tell her they'll be back in the morning to pick her up.  However they plan to come back in the middle of the night to scare the hell out of her. Then when she runs away in fright, her chances of joining their group will be ruined.  And to make things even freakier, they've given her a pill to take if she gets scared. It turns out to be acid but I'm sure that won't cause her to have any sort of nightmare visions.

Coincidentally earlier that day, famous psychic Raymar was interred in the mausoleum.  Raymar was found dead in his apartment, along with a bunch of women who died during a psychic experiment.  Good old Raymar doesn't intend to let something like being dead hold back his telekinetic powers. So pretty soon we've got lightening blots and dead bodies flying all over the place.

The mausoleum reminds me of Phantasm.  Although the corpses movements, or lack thereof, are kind of silly, there's still something creepy about them gliding along the floor towards the girls. It's even creepier with the shots of the feet about an inch above the ground. There aren't really any big scares, and it looked silly but somehow it still creeped me out.  Most of the action is in the last half hour.

So although I bought this by mistake, in the end it was a good decision because I liked it.   Shriek Show has a double CD with the directors cut of the movie on the second disk.  I haven't watched the directors vision yet. It's a rough cut of the film, and I believe it's supposed to be a bit darker without the teen angst and perhaps less satin.  I'll have to check that out too.