Fateful Findings (2013)

Eight year old Dylan and his friend Leah are playing in the woods when they  find a mushroom which has a box underneath filled with beads and a black gem. Leah takes most of the beads to make a bracelet, and Dylan takes the gem. Then Leah and her family move. There's no context for the time frame so it's not clear if it was a day, a week, or an hour.

Now an adult, Dylan is a successful novelist.  One day he's hit by a car while crossing the street. The gem from his childhood gives him some sort of super healing power and he checks himself out of the hospital without consulting his doctor.  

Once home Dylan gets into the shower even though his head and half his face are covered by a bandage.  By the time his wife - or girlfriend - Emily notices he's back from the hospital, his bandage is soaked with blood. There is also a massive amount of blood running down his legs and on the shower floor.  Oddly enough Emily is completely unconcerned with this turn of events and joins him in the shower. The excessive blood loss is never mentioned.

Dylan abandons his novel writing to become a computer hacker.  He targets corruption by using his multiple laptops.  He also reconnects with his childhood friend Leah who just happened to be his doctor when he was in the hospital. He didn't recognize her until she dropped her childhood journal at a barbecue, which revealed the page written on the day they found the mushroom. Because all well adjusted adults carry around their diary from when they were eight, even in social situations.  

Meanwhile supporting characters Jim and Amy are on the brink of divorce or murder. Jim is a drunk and Amy is so angry she's withholding all intimacy. Their teenage daughter thinks Dylan is dreamy so she repeatedly tries to seduce him.  When she drops her towel, he runs over, grabs it and wraps it around her. The narrative is supposed to make Dylan seems like a good guy. Yet it's super creepy to run over to an exposed teen to pick up her towel, when you could just shut the bathroom door to give her privacy.

Meanwhile Dylan and Emily are having problems due to her addiction. It doesn't help that Dylan is pursuing his childhood love interest. After Dylan consummates his love with Leah, he comes home to find Emily dead in their bed from an overdose.  He reacts by holding her and saying, "No! No!"  Well there isn't actually any dialogue on the soundtrack but he mouths it. He doesn't check for a pulse or call 911 like a normal person. 

The death of Emily leaves his schedule open so Leah moves in. Is this a day, week, month, year?  No idea. At one point, they sit in his office while he eats a salad and Leah laughs.  Then you realize it's not a salad. It's a pile of uncooked spinach. No dressing, no other vegetables, no nothing. It's like someone bought a bag of spinach at the supermarket and dumped it on a plate.  Just another thing to add to the bewildering tone of this movie.

As if the narrative isn't crazy enough, Leah gets kidnapped, and Dylan rescues her by teleporting through the a trailer door. Then the movie ends with Dylan giving a press conference in which he calls out the corruption in politics and big business, and the big wigs take responsibility for their actions. Oh and then they all commit suicide.  What the hell, movie?!  

Made by the same guy who made Double Down, this follows some of the same tenets: the main character is a hacker/computer expert who is fighting for the people; a gem gives the owner magical powers; meeting the love of his life before he's ten;  the actress who plays his love interest appears to be half his age even though they are the same age in the film; he gets naked and shows his butt; and nothing really makes sense.

I highly recommend checking it out. Just know what your'e getting into - it's not good, but it sure is  entertaining, and isn't that the most important thing?  If you like Ed Wood or Tommy Wiseau, then you should like this one.

It's not enough to find a mushroom,
you must behold it

The worst diary entry every - no context,
no date, no nothing

I didn't realize that when hit by a car,
you land perfectly aligned

Hope he doesn't really need that oxygen
since they put it on over his bandage.

Nothing awkward about a man leaving the 
hospital looking like this

And we ramp up the awkwardness

Shouldn't you take him back to the hospital
based on the massive blood loss?

Even a blood soaked bandage
can't stop the passion

Another awkward bandage.

Passing out and spilling coffee on the keyboard
is the sign of a true hacker

Why yes, this is a perfectly normal way
to meet with your psychiatrist.

The second psychiatrist takes a different approach
which is also exceedingly uncomfortable

His friends teenage daughter who is 
totally into him

This looks less like a love connection and more 
like a hostage situation

You're using the mic holders incorrectly

the green screen corruption press conference

Ouija Mummy (2019)

Oh, so your mind was blown when you heard there was a ouija shark?  Well ouija's are expanding their skills because now they're also conjuring mummies.

Archaeologist Cassandra is not someone you want to hire. She returns from a dig with a necklace she stole because it spoke to her and that pesky museum already has plenty of new artifacts to study. She hopes to restore it, (it looks new).  Then she lays down in bed and takes an entire bottle of pills while she has visions of a man in a rubber dog/wolf mask. Uh what?

Cut to an unidentified later time where newly weds Chase and Natalie move into Cassandras old house. Chase finds a box on a shelf in the laundry room because apparently they never did a walkthrough or looked around before moving in. The box contains the stolen necklace which Chase decides to give to Natalie as a gift.

The newlyweds decide to have a house warming party. Although it's not much of a party since the only people invited are Natalie's friend and her boyfriend, and Pauls brother, who brings his sponsor.  Chase hasn't seen Paul in years because he blames him for their parents death. Paul had nothing to do with their death. A drunk driver hit them when they were on the way to Pauls wedding.

Part of the evenings activities are using a ouija board that Natalie owns. Chase hates the board and wants nothing to do with it. But he agrees to use it one last time if she gets rid of it.  Unfortunately, the combination of the ouija and the cursed artifact result in... Ouija Mummy.  Also unfortunately, you wouldn't realize it's supposed to be a mummy unless they told us.

Ridiculous dialogue:

Dude, that's antique as fuck.

The lower half of the cameraman can be seen
in the mirror on the upper right

He's dead, but has to hold up the item that killed him

It looks like a sad glee club performance

This is the very-unlike-a-mummy mummy

The mummy has rubber monster hands

The Unwilling (2016)

After the death of their abusive father, a family gathers at the home of the son with obsessive compulsive disorder who is afraid to leave his house.  While there, a mystery box is left on the porch. There are no instructions as to what it is, or how to open it.  Upon further inspection, there appears to be a badly molded octopus on the top of the box.

One person theorizes that maybe their father rigged the box so that it's like a DNA test and only the right people can access it. So they each prick their finger on the six nails sticking out of the box. A more ridiculous idea has never been had, especially since one of the people isn't even released to him. This is just the start of the nonsense in this film.

People are possessed, disappear into mirrors, and find that they can't drive away because all roads lead back to the house.  So basically they are just as trapped as the guy who hasn't left his house in years.

The characters are mostly unpleasant and overall the film is bland. There are some actors you'll recognize, and that is what will lead you astray into thinking, hey this may be interesting to watch.  Sadly, you'll be mistaken.

The box that makes you ask, is that an octopus?

Amityville Witches (2020)

aka Witches of Amityville

After three old witches are put to death in the 1600s while mumbling about Nosferatu, we are catapulted into present day where Jessica is heading to Amityville Academy.  She's not at all suspicious that she received an invitation to the academy even though she never applied for entry.  Jessica's roommate didn't apply either, and is equally excited to be there.

As with all unwanted invitations, it is best to decline. For later that night, they are dragged from their beds by the other girls.  They plan to kill Jessica and her roommate on order from the headmistress Dominique Markham. Turns out it's an academy for witches and sacrifices are needed to release the demon.

Lucky for Jessica, she's the reincarnation of a witch from the 1600s and is rescued by the three witches in the opening scene, who are somehow alive in the current day.  They're good witches and are keeping an eye on Dominique since she's a bad witch.  Basically the rest of the movie is the two sides fighting, but not in any exciting way.

Silly things that happen are:

• the academy is supposed to be a five minute walk from the road, but it takes Jessica until after dark to get there
• the witches position a bowl under a girls neck and cut her throat.  the blood spurts in an arc that completely misses the bowl
• a new student pushes on a closed door to see if it will open rather than trying the doorknob. She walks away when it doesn't open.
• Jessica accepts without question that she is the reincarnation of an old witch 
• one of the witches pronounces lineage as lin-age. How was this not reshot?

And it's unclear in what country the academy is located.  The steering wheels in the cars are on the right hand side. Yet the only people with a British accent are Dominique and the taxi driver.  

Ridiculous Dialogue:

Catherine - Were you surprised to get your invite to Amityville Academy?

Jessica - Yes, because I never actually applied.

Ants on a Plane (2007)

aka Destination: Infestation

aka Swarm 

Surprisingly, this is not a comedy. But it does have some unintentionally hilarious dialogue, stereotypical characters, and ridiculous situations. Here are our main characters:

• Cassie - mother who is too busy with work to pay attention to her teenage daughter
• Jamie - teen who think she knows better than mom
• Pilot - this is his last flight before retirement
• Paul - college student pounding shots in the lounge and obnoxious drunk on plane
• Ken - sick of having to take care of and apologize for Paul
• Kayla - newly engaged flight attendant
• Ethan Hart - single hunky Air Marshall
• Jason - misogynist ignorant hick
• Beverly - sweet, pretty, married to Jason and about to be surprised he's a jerk

An obnoxious American boards a plane in Colombia rather than heed the advice of a doctor. I'm not sure why he would go to a doctor if he was going to ignore their diagnosis. He keeps asserting that he feels bad due to drinking muddy water and he's getting on that plane. And what the hell is he doing drinking brown water anyway? Never do that, not even in your own town.

Shortly after the flight starts, he vomits on another passenger and is then covered with ants. It’s very confusing. How did those ants get on him? Did he vomit ants onto himself? Why aren't they on anyone else?  The mystery is solved when Ethan attempts to give him CPR and discovers the ants are coming from a hole in his chest. More confusion abounds. Shouldn't the passenger have noticed this? 

So that's what we're dealing with and now we have ants on a plane. But not just any ants. These are Black Bullet Ants, whose venom is the most painful in the world. 

Thankfully this plane has an expert in the exact problem that plagues it. Passenger Cassie is an entomologist who works for the Center for Disease Control.  She is concerned about the ants since it isn't normal for them to burrow through a human chest.  When the pilot calls for an emergency landing, the air traffic controller scoffs and tells them ants are not a priority.  Maybe they should be since they've already murdered a man and an expert from a government agency is telling you landing the plane is a necessity.

Soon the ants have sabotaged the wiring, fuel line, autopilot, gauges, and seem to be making calculated attacks on the passengers and crew. No one will authorize the plane to land since they don't want the ants in their town. Whatever will they do?

General nonsense follows including, but not limited to:

• Jason pushes for survival of the fittest and doesn't care if others die. Then later protests "you're killing him" when a passenger covered with ants is locked in the restroom
• How did Beverlys miss all the red flags and character flaws that Jason has? It's not like he was likable before things went badly. 
• Hank and Cassie get flirty at the worst time. She's mixing toxic chemicals and any mistake in her calculations could kill them all. And why are you flirting when everyone's life is at stake?
• Hank and Cassie walk through 1-2 inches of jet fuel on the cargo floor, which would surely burn their skin and now they're going to track this mess back up into the passenger compartment. The fumes would be dangerous.
• the military can't complete their mission of blowing up the plane because a news crew shows up
• They find a dog in the cargo area and give it to Cassies teenage daughter Jamie. Shouldn't they make sure it isn't owned by one of the living passengers?
• Jamie decides to change the dogs name from Buddy to Lucky, showing us that she has no concern for the dogs ability to adapt to a name change midstream in his life
• the actress who played Beverly was also in Snakes on a Plane, so hurrah!

Ridiculous Dialogue:

I'm sorry that I need to work so hard that I can buy expensive things like iPods. - Carrie, passive aggressively to her daughter

Captain, these ants aren't normal!

These ants could be extremely dangerous.

These aren't normal ants. They killed a passenger.

The captain's been attacked by ants!

If my survival comes at the price of someone else being hurt, so be it.

I should have listened to you. These ants are a lot more dangerous than I thought.

June 9 (2008)

A group of shitty teenagers heads to Boston Mills where they harass locals and ask about the town history. The locals are happy to help with what believe is a school project, until the kids start passive aggressively asking about the history of witchcraft in town. Because if there's one things teens love it's cool pranks, and by cool I mean they suck.

As if you won't hate lead asshole Derek enough, he's always wearing a woolen hat at a jaunty angle. It's not clear why anyone would want to be friends with this guy since he's always trying to goad people into doing really stupid things. 

You'd think one trip to Boston Mills would be enough, but it's as if the town is a nerd and these kids are bullies. They repeatedly go back there.  They harass locals, make fun of people, ring doorbells, hurl insults, and vandalize stuff. When they are told to get off someones land, they pretend they are looking for a lost dog.

On a dare, two of the guys enter what appears to be an abandoned building, but once inside they find it's filled with stuff. It's obviously still an in active use. Do they leave? Nope, they continue to explore. They up the ante on later trips to town where they target one house and film people through the windows at night. On a later trip, they break into the same house with the intent on stealing something.  

The teens appear to lack fully functioning brain stems since they don't understand why, after days of harassment, another car would be chasing them.  The teens scream, "Why don't they just leave us alone?" and "what do they want?"  They can't put together that if repeatedly harassing strangers, you may end up pissing off the wrong person.

By the end of the movie, you'll be hoping the town reigns blows down upon them, and since it's a found footage film, you know from the start that they aren't going to make it out alive.  The one teen I feel sorry for is Berty, who seems more like a tagalong, and who I also kept mistaking for a middle aged soccer mom.  Who's that lady? Oops, sorry Berty. It's not that he actually looks feminine. It's the haircut and glasses.

Ouija Shark (2020)

Jill. an unpleasant girl who is always irritated, finds a ouija board at the lake and brings it with her to meet up with her friend who is house sitting. She's introduced the other girls at the house and they have a cookout and swim in the pool.

When she brings out the board, one of the other girls isn't keen on using it, but Jill bullies her into joining them.  The girls end up conjuring the spirit of a shark. Now you'd think since its a shark that it would only be an issue if they were near water. Nope. This thing can go anywhere, and kills most of them in the woods.

Due to poor planning, one of the girls goes to get more groceries, and walks on a path through the woods, or what may be a park. It's very confusing. Since when do parks lead to grocery stores? And didn’t they drive to the house? 

This is not good. The shark looks like a superimposed puppet and the acting is uncomfortable.  It's like someone had a camera and people volunteered to be in the movie. Also I had no idea these women were supposed to be teens until I looked at the IMDB entry. They've left the teen designation a long time ago.

Ridiculous Dialogue:

Police: You know how kids are.

Mom:  What's that supposed to mean?

The Haunting of Whitlow House (2018)

An insufferable couple uses their life savings to buy a cursed murder house with the intention of turning it into a haunt.  This seems to be a questionable purchase, not only because it's in bad taste but it's in the middle of nowhere. I don't see how they're going to make a year round income off this thing. And don't even get me started on their props which look more like something you'd see in a department store, rather than something you'd see in a real haunt.

Perhaps the strangest thing about the house is the size of the basement. When the real estate agent shows it to them, it appears that they are on the catwalk in a warehouse. They explain the maze of hallways and this huge room by saying the basement is twice as big as the rest of the house. That's just weird.

Kate and her husband (whose name I can't remember) relate to each other with this sarcastic flirty banter that will make your eyes roll so far back in your head, you'll need a crowbar to set them right.  They are trying way too hard and seem very uncomfortable.  People only talk to each other like this in movies, or in bars. It’s so insincere.

Kate's brother is a policeman who can't believe she's gone along with her husbands lame idea of investing their savings in this house.  Kate asks if he can give her access to the case files for the murders because she wants authenticity.  Surprisingly he does and brings her a VHS tape of the murder scene of several college kids.

Kate has some creepy experiences in the house, as does her husband. At one point the lights go out and he yells that she's slammed the door so hard it shut off the lights. Is that really a thing?  I've been around a lot of door slamming and never once has a light turned off.

Before the opening of their lame haunt, they consult Penny, a local psychic with a vaguely European accent. At first she’s bored and then she ends up fleeing the home.  Then Kate spends some time washing the wall. Why Kate, why? What is the purpose of washing the wall?  And if your dream is to open your own haunt, and you've spent years in this profession collecting props, then why are your hallways covered in plastic and masking tape? And why are you using department store Halloween masks?  As expected, they don’t call it a murder house for nothing and things go horribly wrong.

Ridiculous Dialogue  

"The place has a lot of history. We've done our research. There's a lot of buzz." 

Truth or Die (2012)

Truth or Die is a fairly unpleasant movie about unpleasant people.  A game of Truth or Dare goes horribly wrong when awkward Felix picks truth and is forced to admit the girl he'd want to be with is Gemma. Her boyfriend Chris gets all alpha, although really he's not alpha at all. He's just insecure and aggressive.  In retaliation for Felix finding his girlfriend attractive, Chris humiliates Felix who runs out of the room.

Later on they all get an invite to a birthday party for Felix. Even though they don't really like Felix, they attend because they've heard his father is rich.  But when they arrive, they find the main house is closed, the caretaker doesn't know they were coming, and eventually they are told the party is down the dirt road which they'll have to walk.

At the end of the road is a small house where they meet the Felix's brother. They also find out they are the only ones invited because his brother wants to know who sent Felix the postcard that made him want to take his own life. Here comes the torture.

There are no likable people in this film. Even worse at the end, you find out one person was even more vile than you thought, and there is no penalty for their horrible actions.

Enforcer From Death Row (1976)

aka Ninja Assassins

The World Organization for Peace (WOP for short) receives a letter requesting 45 million dollars or a terrorist named Nomad will destroy Manilla.   WOP decides to hire T.L. Young, the most lethal man alive who is due to be executed for a murder he didn't commit.   I can't help but think maybe T.L. should be executed for all the murders he did commit.

After a convoluted plan which involves acid, smoke pellets, and paying people off, T.L. is carted out of the gas chamber, revived in a secret location, and goes to meet with the head of WOP.  When they offer him the job, T.L. says "How much money? And who do I kill?"   After informing him the hit is $100,000, they hand him a plane ticket, some money for incidentals, and send him on his way with the words, "have fun and stay sober." A more confusing send off has never been uttered to an assassin.

T.L. goes to Manilla under a new name but isn't low key enough not to be noticed by the villains, who are hip to the fact that WOP is sending agents to watch them.  But T.L. is not to be cowed by anyone, even when they send ninjas after him. For reasons unknown, this group has a ninja training academy with a creepy trainer. The shiraken training consists of three steps and makes me wonder how any of the ninjas are competent.  T.L. can beat them senseless. However there was a ceiling ninja in someone else's room, and lord knows how he concealed himself. 

This movie is alternately tedious and hilarious.  There is horribly stilted acting,  flubbed lines, crazy polyester shirts, leisure suits, bad haircuts, labels on every dangerous liquid, car chases, questionable dialogue, and ninjas in a small boat in the daylight which is as far from an invisible assassin as they can be.

There are several problems with continuity when T.L.'s mustache returns unexpectedly or when he drives a car that previously blew up. I've seen this film several times and it never ceases to amuse me. The premise of the World Organization for Peace hiring an assassin is hilarious.

Ridiculous dialogue:

If I seem over confident... it's because I am.

Now here's the plan. This special package contains a smoke device. Substitute it for the cyanide pellet. And in this jar contains liquid which will neutralize the acid.

Hotel Clerk: I'm sorry sir. But uh it's against our hotel policy to let anyone into our guests rooms.

T.L.Young: Oh it's okay. Jose told me to tell you to let me in.

Maybe the World Organization for Peace shouldn't 
use a slur for their acronym.

Is that a picture of a hobo clown on the wall? 

I didn't realize the gas chamber dispensed gas this way.

Leisure suit, complete with polyester shirt 
with wide lapels and huge cuffs.

An even more amazing polyester shirt.

Just when you thought leisure suits couldn't 
get worse, you find out they come in plaid.

The clearly labeled acid vat.

T.L's. car is a speck in this shot, but he still drove 
directly into the Molotov cocktail and barrels they
left in the road. He essentially blew up his own car.

Clean shaven T.L. chases the ninjas. But what's this...

a mustache makes an entrance after his car explodes.

A paper backdrop for the news broadcast,
note the seam near the bottom left

Lured (2019)

Filmmaker Jason flies to Asia to see Kate, a fellow filmmaker who he’s been chatting with online for six months.  Jason claims to have traveled  around the world, but based on the stupid decisions he repeatedly makes that is hard to believe.  He's also pretty narcissistic. He films himself trying to sleep, with her photos  spread out next to him on the pillow. 

The next day he meets Kate on a country road and films the entire thing. Jason doesn't get that it’s creepy to meet someone for the first time with a camera in your hand and film them.  Kate is uncomfortable but Jason doesn’t care because he lacks normal boundaries.

Jason also lacks a brain stem because he gets in a car with Kate and drives more than two hours into the middle of nowhere and then walks down a path deep into the woods to get to her home. Dude, don't do that. You’re in a foreign country with a person you don’t know. People can be anyone they want online. Even if she is being honest about what she does reveal to you, she can still hide major issues and you have no idea of her true intentions or real personality.

The village seems deserted. Jason doesn’t ask if she’s the only one there, why she would stay there alone, or anything about the history of the village or structure. When Kate gives him a glass of water, he spits it out because it has bugs in it. Am I the only one who looks at what’s in my glass before I drink?

At dinner time, he calls his college friend and asks when she’s coming to visit. It seems weird to invite a friend to someone else’s house.  He also ramps up the creep factor when he arrogantly says to his friend, “Trust me. I will not be sleeping alone tonight.” Good god man, you just met Kate and there has been absolutely no innuendo or flirting. She is polite and reserved.  Also she must be able to hear you because you're in the same room. 

From the first night, weird things happen and Jason repeatedly shows poor judgement.  Kate says she’s starving, but doesn’t eat any of the dinner she made. Jason eats it even though he later says it tastes horrible.    When Jason goes off into the woods to film and runs into two people who say, “shhhhh”,  Jason replies, “Hi I’m Jason. I’m… what do you mean Shhh?”   Although every person in the village other than Kate has been violent, when he sees a man in the middle of the night, he goes after him because he thinks he might be hurt.  He tries to be stealthy when filming at night but it’s pointless because he is using a spotlight.

The best thing about this movie was the village. It’s architecturally interesting. Unfortunately, Jason isn't likable and the characters act like they don't have full cranial functioning.

Ridiculous dialogue:

I was born here. I grew up here.  The law and order in this village are really good. (Said after everyone they’ve seen has attacked them)

Wow look at all the trees. Jason it’s so beautiful here. How can there be anything scary here?

Exit Speed (2008)

On Christmas Eve, ten people board a bus for a six hour ride across Texas. Unfortunately the trip goes very wrong when a band of nomad bikers messes with the bus and one biker couple lagging behind the others is accidentally hit. Oh damn, never mess with bikers.

When the driver is killed, the rest of the passengers manage to get the bus going. But one makes the ridiculous decision to turn down a side road rather than continue on the main route the bus would normally take.  They also overlook that the bus could be used as a weapon against the bikers. Yes, they’re shootings at the tires, but they’re riding beside you. They are vulnerable to a hit from the bus. And while most people don’t want to kill anyone, if murderous bikers are trying to kill you, do what you must to survive.

The road turns into dirt fifty feet after the turn and they end up in an abandoned junk yard. Now this group of strangers needs to work together to survive the night and hopefully find a way to escape the bikers. But it won’t be easy because we’ve got an expert with a crossbow that is opposed to violence, a stereotype misogynistic high school coach spouting his toxic jock mentality,  a female in the military who’s gone awol, and a mom who knows how to run but is very awkward about it. 

The coach hangs onto their only weapon because he’s a man. This is unfortunate since he can’t hit the side of a barn and one of the woman is in the military. And you haven’t lived till you’ve seen Marty McFly’s mom kill a biker by putting a plastic bag over their head while repeatedly screaming, “I’m a Mom. I can’t die!”

Ridiculous dialogue 

“I coach high school football. I know first aid and cpr.”  Ten minutes later another incident occurs and a passenger asks, “Does anyone know cpr?”  The coach says nothing.

The Barn( 2016)

Sam and his friend Josh are doing a bit of a haunted house for Halloween. I’m not really sure what to call it since Sam tells the kids stories before he gives them candy and then Josh pops out to scare them.  Uptight preacher Mrs. Barnhart wants to shut it down, but Halloween is Sam’s thing and he knows all the rules.  Wait how many rules are there for Halloween?  I thought there were two -  leave the porch light on if you are giving out candy and you’re too old to trick or treat once you’re over twelve.

After intentionally scaring Mrs. Barnhart, Sam’s punishment is to provide her with candy.  But Sam’s got to follow the rules so he says he needs to trick or treat to get the candy rather than buying it. This makes no sense since he’s a senior in high school so that’s definitely against the rules of Halloween. 

Sam, Josh and some friends take a van to go to the barn in a nearby small town.Legend has it that if you say trick or treat three times on Halloween night, the barn door will open and three demons will appear. We know this to be true because the first scenes in the film were a child being smashed in the cranium with a shovel after summoning the demons.  The child was so obnoxious that it seemed like fair play.

When the barn door opens, the group goes in to check it out.  The lights work, there are chickens and I’m wondering why they’re in someone’s barn.  They notice a bad smell. Most of them leave but one decides to stay and find the source of the odor. Good god man, never be alone in a barn rumored to be the source of demons when you smell a horrible odor.

Sam and Josh go trick or treating to get the candy they owe Barnhart, and promise to be back before 11:59 when the band Demon Inferno is supposed to have a concert that the group plan to attend.  Somehow they end up at the Harvest Hootenanny where a band that could best be described as hillbilly Smashmouth are playing their rockabilly songs. 

Meanwhile the demons they unleashed are trying to kill everyone, and descend on the hootenany to take care of the townies. Also for someone who insists on Halloween rules, when the miner demon steals his candy, Sam just stands there. Candy stealing is not acceptable.

I almost didn’t watch this one because the miner on the cover looks so stupid. This is supposed to take place in the 80s ,which I woudln’t have known by looking at it. The hair styles and clothing aren’t specific to the time period, but I did notice no one had cell phones.  While there’s nothing special about it, overall I enjoyed it. 

Sadly mistaken dialogue:

No ones ever going to forget Sam and Josh. Two guys who took on bitchy Barnhart and destroyed her. That’s one hell of a legacy to leave behind. Kids are going to be talking about this forever. -  Josh (uhhh they are literally trick or treating for candy to give to her, it’s not that impressive)

Amityville No Escape (2016)

George is doing a thesis project on fear, which involves taking his friends into the woods and asking them what they fear.  Based on George's research methods, he is definitely going to fail.

He manages to get hold of a VHS tape from 1997 of a woman who lived in the infamous Amityville house, and unbeknownst to his friends, they will be camping near the house. Oddly enough George never tells them and the house is never an issue.  He brings his girlfriend there one night, but it seems odd he insist they camp there, but never use the house as a way to test fear for his thesis.

The movie switches between footage of George and his friends, and the 1997 VHS footage of Lina. She and her husband, who is deployed overseas, bought the Amityville house without knowing it's history. They also never saw the house in person and didn't do a walk through before signing the papers because Lina is surprised to see how much stuff the previous owners left behind. 

Lina records messages every day for her husband, which includes her doing aerobic routines.  I'm not sure if she is randomly doing moves on her own, or there is supposed to be a video playing with the sound off.  She is overly cheerful to the point of discomfort. There's a lot of laughing even though she's not saying anything funny. It's more how you'd talk to someone you weren't comfortable with, rather than a spouse.  

Meanwhile George goes to investigate a sound in the woods and runs into a man with a gun. The man warns George the woods are dangerous at night and to stay at their campsite to avoid the animals. George gets huffy but heads back to the campfire. When another member of his party sees a little girl in the woods, they go out to look for her.  They theorize she saw their fire and wants help. Yet that makes no sense since the little girl is nowhere to be seen. If she saw you and wanted help, you'd see her. Yet they continually tromp through the woods looking for her. 

George raises a big red flag by asking her girlfriend if she loves him and would do anything for him.  Of course, she says.  Soon George is forcing her to go into the woods with a camera all by herself so she can  face her fears. When she asks if they'll come get her if she's scared, he says no. They'll wave flashlights and she can find her way back to them. Damn, George is cold.

The only thing that matters to George is his fear thesis and he pressures the group into staying or doing things they don't want to by saying they are there to document fear for his thesis. Since everyone is afraid, that is good for his thesis.  What a tool.

The sad thing about movies with Amityville in the name is you know they're going to be terrible.  It's a way for low budget films to get people to watch them.  And it's not like I don't know it's going to be bad going in. I'm just curious as to how bad it will be.  Add found footage to the mix and you've sunk down another notch because FF films are a cheap way for bad films to be made.  

I will give credit to them for one thing though. The footage was shot so that it didn't induce nausea.  If you're making found footage, at a minimum you should incorporate professional filming techniques so that the viewer doesn't get motion sick.  So kudos on that aspect.

I found Lina's incisors very distracting. 

Mutilations (1986)

Astronomy Professor Jim, his secretary Ann, and some of his students travel to the town of Berryhill where there have recently been sightings of strange lights in the sky.  Before he leaves, another professor mentions that there have also been a recent spate of cattle mutilations. Jim is not concerned.

On the way there, they pass a skinned claymation cow and stop the van to stare at it. When they leave, the van is buzzed by a spaceship, which sends them running to the nearest place around which is the local diner.

When they start asking questions about the recent sightings, the counterman  informs them the locals don't cotton to strangers sticking their nose into their business. The professor says they're doing legitimate research. When he mentions they might be able to help with the problems, a local sitting nearby mentions there is a hermit they may want to visit. Well who wouldn't want to visit a hermit?  

Unsurprisingly the hermit was not happy to see them.  But when a sudden storm appears, he allows them to shelter inside and provides information about the sightings. Chaos breaks loose when both the storm and the aliens hit.

This is a regional film from Oklahoma which has claymation, budget effects, and stilted acting. It's got some charm and clocks at a little over an hour.  

Ridiculous dialogue:

Counterman: His story remained the same down to the last detail.

Professor: What detail was that?

He was a strange man, but I was beginning to like him.

Roger: When I even mention the possibility of aliens from other worlds, people look at me as if I'm crazy.

Professor: Roger, people react that way because 1) they're ignorant and 2) because many are frightened by the possibility that they exist.

Roger has a shockingly horrible mullet.

His eyes almost fill his glasses.

The group stops to look at the claymation cow.

The diner sign that tells you what you can do there.

Spaceship attack!

Roger has gone from a bad mullet to Farrah hair.

Good god man! Don't touch that!
It used to be Eugene.

Bunny man Vengeance (2017)

Bunny man comes back to find someone built a haunted attraction on his home site. The men welcome Bunnyman and they work together to get the haunt ready to open.

Apparently they’ve done good promotion because there is a huge line of people waiting to get in. When the first girl hands her ticket to the man at the door, he hands her a flashlight and says “You’re going to need this.”  This doesn’t bode well for their profit margin if they need to hand out flashlights.  The girl looks positively bored and I’m wondering why she is even there.

Two girls wander down hallways until they get to a dead end. Then they keep banging on the door asking to be let out.  The weird thing is that sometime haunts have fake doors, so it seems odd that they just stand there and irritatedly yell at a wall.  Soon they’re dead in the hallway and the line of bodies keeps increasing. When will the other patrons notice no one is coming out?

This is horrible and at almost two hours, it makes it seem even worse. I had to fast forward through parts of it because I couldn’t take it. But I was curious how it would end. There are no redeemable characters and you’ll hate everyone except one poor guy who’s mentally challenged. Even the patrons of the haunt have bad attitudes. And who the hell brings their five year old child to a haunt, especially one that’s on the site of real murders?  

Best exchange of dialogue: 

Mom: Are you okay honey?

Five year old kid: No.

Mom: We’re never coming back here again!

Psycho: Ok

Bunnyman Massacre (2014)

Bunnyman Massacre jumps out of the gate with Bunnyman getting on a school bus full of children and carnage ensues.  Continuity goes out the window when we see a child who already climbed out the emergency window running down the aisle again.

A hillbilly store owner sells jerky made of Bunnyman’s victims, which should be a lesson to never buy jerky in ziplock bags from a creepy guy.  When two hikers wander into his store and verbally trash the place, he takes it upon himself to kidnap them and bring them to his barn. 

One girl tells him she saw four other hikers in the area, and she’ll bring them to the barn if he will let them go.  While he agrees, she forgets the rule that you should never make a deal with a criminal and expect them to honor it.

After they are set free, instead of running as far away as possible, the hikers do a slow walk and then stop in the middle of the road to argue about what is going to happen to the girls in the barn.  Unlike the viewer, they are surprised to see Bunnyman pull up in a truck. They stand there as he walks up to them.  Oh my god people, have some sense of self preservation.  

And why is this two hours long?  It doesn't need to be. It's just creepy guys killing women. I had to fast forward through some of it because it was so tedious and just plain icky. Ugh this was a rough one to watch.

Bunnyman Grindhouse Edition (2019)

A group of twenty somethings on a road trip get in a pissing contest with a dump truck, and eventually the truck driver gets mad enough to ram them. Fearful of what else could happen, the group has the brilliant idea of pulling over and apologizing.

One woman walks over to the truck to talk but the driver won’t roll his tinted window down.  Her lack of cranial functioning increases when she gets so annoyed at his lack of response, she tries to open his door. Because if there’s one good thing about an apology, it’s when you force the other person to take it.

Ridiculous things keep happening culminating with a crash car, a death, and the survivors walking off to try to find help.  As expected, nothing good comes from this. 

The original Bunnyman was released in 2011 and in 2019 the director made a new cut released as a grindhouse film. Based on watching all three Bunnyman movies, I don't think I would have liked the original Bunnyman.  The recut grind house version subjects us to notices of missing reels, sound drop outs, intermission ads, stock footage, and voices dubbed by people with decidedly non-American accents.  These things kept me amused as they reminded me of seeing movies in the theater when they actually used reels of film.  

Intentionally stilted dialogue over inappropriate stock footage:

“Wow! The nature round here sure is remarkable. In fact, I think that species of animal is instinct.”

“That’s right, Rachel. What a great observation. In fact, that’s a California Grizzly Bear that went extinct in 1922. Look over to your right. Look at the random indigenous people.”

American Scarecrow (2020)

When a developer disappears and their checks bounce, Drew Stone’s construction company is left with over $40,000 in debt. While the bank won’t give him a loan, they do offer him the chance to make money by doing the rehab on a home they foreclosed on. They neglect to tell him the last person they sent to the house died.

Drew, Allie and the rest of his crew head to the Dean farm, with a stop at a local tavern on the way. While they’re there, we see footage of a cowboy with a shotgun getting out of a pickup truck and heading into a cornfield.  He is quickly killed by a guy in camouflage with a Halloween mask and burlap draped over his head.  Is this supposed to take place on the Dean farm?  Is that the scarecrow referenced in the title? Why did this man walk into a cornfield with a gun? No explanation is given. 

The crew arrives at the farm after dark and explores by flashlight before they manage to get the electricity working.  Planning is not their strong point since they don’t seem to have brought anything with them, such as food or extra clothing. I also haven’t seen any tools, but maybe they’ve left them in the truck. However they do find moonshine which they promptly drink.  Drinking unknown liquid stored in mason jars found at an abandoned farm is not a great decision.

Allie find a young girls journal hidden under a floorboard. She stays up late to read it and even carries it into town the next day like a lunatic. The next night when a girl appears in the hallway, Allie tells her she’s safe, and promises to be her best friend forever.  I’m assuming Allie is supposed to be concerned and caring, but she comes off as obsessive and needy. Later she tells the girl she loves her even though they’ve probably spoken for less than an hour. Little girl, run away now!

You’re probably wondering where the scarecrow is, which is a legitimate concern since more than half way through the film there are only two deaths. One of a bank employee who went to the farm, where we don’t see who killed him. The other in the cornfield whose location wasn’t established and was committed by a guy in camouflage.  So… scarecrow?

Sadly, the camouflage guy is supposed to be the scarecrow, and he’s the brother of the little girl. I seriously wonder if the distributor just slapped the name scarecrow on it since it takes place on a farm.  But since there isn’t even a page for this film on IMDB, I have no idea what is going on. 

There are so many ridiculous things that happen in this movie:

• The shadow of the cameraman can be seen on the walls
• When the scarecrow chases Allie he is holding a sickle, but once they are in the cornfield, he is holding a scythe
• A man gets his hand cut off but still manages to get from the barn to the house, have long conversations, and go back out to the barn to look for his missing hand
• The crew sleeps on the beds in the abandoned house, yuck that bedding can’t be clean
• Why is Allie so invested in this girl? 
• Drew says the scarecrow must have “excaped”.  How did they not shoot that again? Does everyone associated with the movie mispronounce escaped?

Ridiculous dialogue:

I hit him with the sickle.  I saw sparks.  He’s got to be made of metal or something.

Stay (2021)

Olivia is a model who wants to grow her following and her brand. So she starts vlogging in hopes of becoming an influencer and winning a big modeling contract. She goes on auditions, talks about herself a lot, and trains to keep in shape - although I can’t take anyone seriously who trains while wearing lingerie as a top.

Life is good for Olivia. She books a prestigious event that gets her tons of press, starts getting good shoots, her boyfriend Jules arrives from the UK, and the two start looking for an apartment together.  What could possibly go wrong?

The couple decides to take an apartment that comes with a creepy manikin. They also decide to start filming everything, you know, for the fans. “If it’s happening in my life, it’s probably on my channel….My channel is very raw and real….Good night, I’ll see you guys in the morning”

Oh Olivia, you’re channel is the opposite of real.  It’s all manufactured. She and Jules relate to the camera rather than each other. They aren’t capturing memories or daily life. They think about what they can film to increase their fan base or what their fans want to see. There is nothing real about that. At one point, Jules apologizes to Olivia for being inconsiderate which would be great other than the camera he’s pointing in Olivia’s face, which makes his concern disingenuous.

With Olivia’s career on the rise, she starts acting strange. Is she unable to take the pressure of her new modeling career? Is it the need to always be on camera to show her fans her every move? Or could it be the creepy manikin and the ghost that reportedly haunts the new apartment?  And why doesn’t Jules notice how her demeanor has changed? She was a fairly sweet, happy person before they moved in, but now she’s negative, mean and often tired.

After being a jerk and stomping off a job for an important photographer, Olivia loses her important gig and their only source of income becomes their channel.  This is unfortunate since Olivia is hoping to  revive her modeling career, but no one is going to want to hire her after seeing the videos they’re posting. Since this is a found footage film, we go into it knowing things aren’t going to go well for poor Olivia. 

There’s not a lot going on in this movie. It’s mostly people talking to the camera, rather than each other. The scares only occur in the latter part of the movie and they’re what you expect in a found footage movie.

After the Dark (2013)

The last day of school is usually an easy day where you just kind of show up and hang out. Well unless you’re taking the advanced philosophy class where the teacher decides they must do thought experiments on apocalyptic scenarios which will impact their final grade.

The premise is there is a bunker with enough supplies for one year which can accommodate ten people. There are twenty people in the class so how will they pick who gets the chance to survive.  

There are three scenarios that they discuss. The teacher provides each student with a piece of paper detailing their occupation and the class decides who can have a place in the bunker.  For the second scenario, the teacher reveals each piece of paper has additional info that might change their decision making process.

To make thing super weird, in several of the scenarios the teacher murders at least one student.  He also proposes that the girls need to have sex with all the males in the bunker to continue the human race, and girls who refuse will be forced to comply or be murdered.   Not only creepy but not a great plan to propagate the human race since each female that dies decreases the chances of babies. Also why do they need babies right now?

The movie is essentially a reenactment of what they talk about in class. So you find out who is creepy,  selfish, strong, or more manipulative than they appear . It’s kind of pointless since none of what happens is real. Also maybe it’s different over seas, but if any of those kids told their parents the teacher said he’s going to force you to try to conceive or murder you, the parents would demand he be fired.  Plus it would completely change any positive feelings you had toward your teacher. I don’t even know how to classify this movie other than pointless since nothing that actually happened took place.

How to Kill a Zombie (2014)

 

Survivalist Mack takes his son Jesse into the woods to teach him survival skills and make a man out of him. Jesse isn’t that interested in roughing it, and uses most of their gas to burn ant hills.

While heading to buy more fuel, the two discover there is a zombie apocalypse. Jesse makes his Dad stop for a young woman who was stranded because he wants to be her hero.  When they get back to the city, such as it is, they see people hanging out of an office building yelling for help. Their solutions is to crash through the zombies to get inside and try to save them.  Not the best decision since they end up stuck inside as well.  

There we meet some stock characters and hear a joke that will be ongoing for the rest of the movie. While repetition can be funny, but it didn’t work here. The joke wasn’t that great the first time and it was annoying to see them setting up the pitch over and over again.

This is a horror comedy but both genre fall flat.  It’s a super low budget movie made in the less populated part of Maine. Two of the writers plays the leads so the plus side  is you know it’s played how the writers intended.  Jesse was kind of endearing but Mack’s mugging was a bit too over the top.

You Die (2018)

Aka Decarga Siniestra; aka You Die: Get the App, Then Die

One night a stranger asks Asia if he can use her phone and she agrees. This is unfortunate since he downloads an app onto it that is going to kill her. You see it’s a chain mail type app. Once someone downloads it onto your phone, the only way to restart the clock on your death is to load it onto someone else’s phone. So you need to to do this every day or you die.

The most surprising thing about the plot is someone would let a stranger use their phone. If someone asked to use my phone, my first thought would be they’re going to steal it. Also the time it takes to download an app is suspiciously long to be concealing the phone from the owner. It’s just plain weird, even if you let a fried borrow it. And I can’t think of a single time I let a friend borrow my phone because they always have their phone. 

This was better than most of the other films I’ve seen about evil apps on cell phones.  Also holy moly, why are there so many death apps?  

 

Tigers Are Not Afraid (2017)

After a shoot out in the street outside her classroom, Estrella goes home to find her mother gone. She waits for her return, but her mother never comes back.  Estrella’s teacher gave her three pieces of chalk to make wishes on.  She uses the first one to wish for her mother to appear. Soon she hears a whispery voice and sees something supernatural which may or may not be her mother.

Being fearful of staying at home due to the mysterious presence, Estrella goes looking for Shine, a young boy who is the leader of a small gang of boys. They’re orphans due to the drug cartel and gun violence in their city.  They steal food and sleep in tents on the roof of a building.

When the cartel shows up, the children run and Shine threatens cartel tough guy Caco with a gun. Caco recognizes this as his own gun and also realizes Shine has his phone. Everything starts spinning out of control as Caco vows revenge and the kids try to survive.

This film has been compared to work by Guillermo del Toro, whose films I enjoy. While this is a good film, I didn’t care for it.  Del Toro’s work is more removed from reality. Plus I’m not even sure if I would call this a horror film since the ghosts are more on the periphery. It felt more like a drama with supernatural overtones.

1,2,3... Scream (2011)

Aka End of the Road

A cameraman and sound guy are asked to work on a new reality show pilot where they will be ghost hunting.  The on air personalities are two random women hired to provide curb appeal, but have no background in the paranormal.  The other is an uptight guy but at least he has knowledge of the subject.

They end up in the middle of nowhere in farm country at a huge cabin nearby the haunted location.  There is a local woman hired to be a guide and provide information on the areas history.  She’s unable to get through a conversation without saying things like, “I’m with you, cowboy” or “we’ll make a country boy out of you yet.”  It gets old fast.

On the first night of shooting, a chandelier rips loose and hits one of the hosts, sending her flying out a second story window.  By the time the cameraman gets outside, the uptight guy says she’s dead because “her neck snapped like a twig.”  No one shall ask how he contributed to her death since he has her head cradled in his lap, and that is definitely not what you do with someone who has a neck injury.

When they bring her body back to the house and review the footage, they find something on the film that shows it was not paranormal, nor an accident.  At this point, things go off the rails.

The most difficult thing about this movie is the background music. It’s totally inappropriate.  It’s runs the gamut from music you’d hear on a soap opera, or a sensitive drama, or a video game.  There are times where something humorous is supposed to be happening and there’s light humor music like you’d hear on Bones or NCIS Los Angeles.  This is a pretty tame movie since it was made for TV, which definitely explains why they’d use this type of needle drop music.