Thursday, January 9, 2014

Ghoul School (1990)

Two thugs break into the local high school because they've heard the janitor keeps... something... hidden in the basement.  The janitor is a drunken loser who drinks hand sanitizer, but when he's tortured he won't give up the location of his secret stash of whatever.

When the thugs find a hidden room with nothing in it, they are oddly enthralled as if it might be the key to what they are seeking. They push a button on the wall and something I can't identify happens - is anything happening here? Are water drops falling on them? - which makes them slowly crumple to the floor. Whatever that button did, it also causes water to spill out of the faucets, drinking fountains, and a hose going into the pool where the swim team is practicing.

The mystery liquid causes the swim team to turn into zombies. But you won't realize they're zombies until other characters start referring to them as such.  The zombies have pointy teeth and blue skin. Sometimes just their faces are blue, other times it's their whole bodies. Perhaps since these zombies are wearing swimsuits, props ran out of blue makeup at some point? Or there was no continuity person?

Meanwhile in the auditorium, the band Bloodsucking Ghouls is practicing for their big show.  There is lots of unintentional laughs since the music doesn't match up to what their actions.  There is a keyboard solo, but no keyboard player.  There are big drum fills, but the drummer isn't playing fills.  And most obvious of all, the guitar player drops to his knees for a wailing lead to end the song, but the music ends - and he keeps playing while the soundtrack is silent.

The film comes to a screeching halt when there appears to be randomly inserted footage of an awkward Joe Franklin being assailed by the dated unfunny jokes of Jackie the Joke Man, whose support of this film is obvious due to half the cast wearing t-shirts with his name on them. Also has Joe Franklin ever used a phone before? Because he seems to have a problem holding it up to his ear, and it usually hovers an inch or so away his head.

This is one messed up movie. In the commentary, the director keeps apologizing for how bad it is.  Even though it's not good, I kind of enjoyed it. It's relatively short and makes no sense. Highlights of ridiculousness include:
  • a basketball team that doesn't sink a single shot and doesn't seem to know how to do a lay up
  • multiple horrible poofy mullets
  • a lady with a Dee Snider wig (commentary from the director mentions he has no idea why they thought it was a good idea to put this horrible wig on her)
  • the kid with the glasses and a droopy lip - is he imitating Bill Murray from Caddyshack, or did he have a stroke at some point in his life?
  • the lead singers girlfriend who wants to manage the band (right out of Spinal Tap)
  • the principals saying that there is a natural spring in the basement and the school bottles it's own water (if it weren't for the fact that they bottle the water and nothing ever happened prior to the thugs entering the mystery room, I'd think this was the source of the zombies)
  • the premise that there is a room in the basement with mystery liquid that can turn people into zombies - where the hell did this room come from? Why would anyone put it in a school? Why hasn't there ever been this problem before? Why would someone put a button in there that releases something to make people turn into zombies? Who is responsible for this fiasco?
Bad Dialogue-

"I think they're putting a little too much chlorine in the pool." - the running joke in the film

"I'm feeling very, very peculiar. Very, very... something." - Joe Franklin

Can there ever be too many Jackie the Joke Man shirts?
The inconsistent zombie make up,with the strange pointy teeth
The band's going to drive the kids crazy with excitement
Dee Snider?
Joe, the phone goes next to your ear, not an inch from it.
Mullets galore! The guy on the top left is the poufiest swirliest mullet.
After the blue faced zombies, I didn't expect this

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