Thursday, January 2, 2014

Moon Stalker (1989)

A family vacation in a snowy campground is interrupted by an old man in an old car towing a crappy camper.  At first Dad is upset that someone is encroaching upon the private space he's found for the family.  But that night the family decides to visit the old mans campfire to keep him company. They listen to him tell stories of his son Bernie and the fun the two used to have camping before Bernie got sick.

Things go well until the old man gets a little too angry, slams down an ax, and creeps everyone out.  The family quickly excuse themselves and go back to the safety of their camper, which ends up not being so safe. Because it turns out Bernie is actually still alive, has a bag over his head, and is chained up inside the crappy old camper.  Soon Bernie is chopping away at the family who have a might nice microwave that the old man wants.

Meanwhile over in another part of the woods, there is a Wilderness Counselors Camp. Yes, it's a camp to train counselors, which is odd on it's own but it's even stranger since it's in the middle of the woods and check in is at night.

Soon Bernie has found his way to the counselors campsite, people are disappearing, and two counselors go off looking for the cabin, where legend has it, Bernie used to live.  Aaaaand the counselors end up in their underwear in the cabin after falling into a stream.

I'd heard this was really bad, which is why I wanted to track it down, but it's actually just a low budget, not so great movie. It doesn't get into the pantheon of so bad it's good, or so bad I loathe it. There's questionable acting and a practically nonexistent plot which boils down to crazy Bernie kills everyone he meets with an ax.

Ridiculous dialogue-

"Don't let her get away, boy. She's one of them that put you away. She's a camper!" - Pops

Amorous couple going to tent to be alone (and a girl who's going to be very disappointed):
Girl - We have to be back at the campfire in a half hour.
Boy - That's twice as much time as I need.

You know it's the 80s with a title screen like this
The worst family vacation ever
poster board and markers
Driving at night with sunglasses?  No wonder he got lost 
The headband, the hair... what the hell?

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