Monday, April 7, 2014

Scorpion (1986)

The 1980s were a time of fast cars, big mustaches, and shirtless bullies, all of which you'll find in this middle of the road action movie.  Scorpion is the code name of top DIA agent Steve Woods. He has a military and martial arts background, which proves to be useful when he beats up an entire bar prior to getting his first assignment.  Steve drives multiple Porsches, wears slacks, and looks like a Sears catalog model.

Steve is called in to defuse a terrorist situation and rescue the hostages, which he accomplishes by donning tiny white shorts and kicking the crap out of anyone who gets in his way.  After the melee when he's asked about the hostages, Steve reports  they're all okay. Yes, they're fine. Other than the trauma of being taken hostage by four people with automatic weapons, threatened with imminent death, and witnessing a female hijacker get shot to death, every one's fine... especially the children.

After putting a surviving terrorist in protective custody after he says he'll spill his guts about the organization, Steve's best friend is mortally wounded while guarding the prisoner in a location that turns out to be not so secret.  Angry Steve is determined to find out who has the big mouth.  He's got everyone breathing down his neck because the only witness to the shooting has disappeared and only Steve knows where he is located.  

From this point on, the film slows down as Steve argues with the muckity mucks in charge, poses in his Haggar breathable fabric slacks, and is stalked by a weird German guy who is one of the killers.

Be forewarned - the first ten minutes of the movie are in a foreign language. There are no subtitles, but luckily nothing important happens, except to establish that Steve can beat up an entire town of foreigners.

Aw yeah, you don't want to mess with that font
Top agent or Sears catalog model? you make the call
This town is serious about their bar fights.
They shut off the jukebox any time a fight starts.
Wearing jean jacket with no shirt?
You'll never be a catalog model.
The most disturbing thing about the guy disrobing in the
control room while they negotiate with the hijackers?...... 
... Steve is now wearing his short shorts. 
Oh crap, it's the weird German guy
Hey! It's Lloyd Bridges and Julie Hagarty in Airplane! 
This looks like something out of Chorus Line
Nothing says I'm a top agent like senseless vandalism

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