Hands of Steel (1986)

"Vendetta dal futuro"

If I told you there was a movie starring an arm wrestling cyborg, would you want to see it?  Hell yeah, you would.  How could you not?  Well, here you go. And I'm not talking Stallone in Over the Top (although it could be argued that his acting is mechanical.)

Evil industrialist Francis Turner doesn't care for blind wheelchair bound Dr. Mosley, a leading environmentalist with a political agenda.  So he sends a cyborg named Paco (snicker) to assassinate Mosely.  But the scientists working on the cyborg project hadn't considered that Paco is only 70% bionic, and thus his human side resurfaces and he thoughtfully maims Mosely instead of terminating him.

Paco goes on the run and ends up with the FBI, Turner and eventually a group of arm wrestling truckers chasing him. What's that? You heard me. Because when Paco runs, he ends up in the middle of the desert at a small cafe/bar where he enters the strange world of trucker arm wrestling.  The bar is covered with photos of the champions, who in real life are pro wrestlers like Hillbilly Jim and Bruno Sammartino. (Side note - when I was a little kid I thought his name was Bruno Sam Martino).

Linda, the lovely bar maid, takes him in and you just know that's going to be trouble. As he looks at the photos on the wall, she says, "You ever arm wrestle?... it's a big deal around here. Those are the champs from the past ten years." (Pan to photo which has Champ of the Year written on it in Sharpie)

Yup, jealous truckers, arm wrestling competitions (including one match where whoever is pinned  releases a snake to chomp on the losers arm), evil Turner (John Saxon) and his henchmen, clear plastic skirts, more killer cyborgs (one with the annoying voice of a bird), and the unanswerable question - are they greasing up the cyborg or does he have the ability to sweat? And if he can sweat, good god why?! What more could you ask for?  Well, I guess you could ask for something slightly more interesting, but it's so ridiculous that it's got good entertainment value.  This has to be seen to be believed.

Questionable dialogue:

Paco: I need a place to stay for a couple days.

Linda: Sure. And in exchange you help me out around here until you cut my throat.  And take off with the few bucks I've got in the till.

Paco: I could have done that already.

Linda: Ok, I'll take a chance.

The hard to read title

What's an intimidating name for a cyborg? Let's call him Paco.

You just know they recycled those plastic walls
from some cheap Italian space movie.

George Jones demands an answer

This is the shape of the object that hit him.
It could be one of the following items.

Cyborg surgery.

Oh damn, the cyborg with the plastic skirt has gone crazy.

Really tough bikers roll up their pants legs
and wear plastic chest protectors.

Huh? The unexpected ending statement.

R.I.P.  Claudio Cassinelli who died in a
helicopter crash during filming

Not to be totally depressing, but if you want more info on the helicopter crash that killed Cassinelli, you can check out Arizona Aircraft Wrecks.

Mummy Maniac (2007)

Okay, it starts and the picture isn't even in focus.... and it stays that way for quite a while.  Was this a creative attempt at atmosphere, a way to mute the horror of a flashback, or just plain incompetence?  Sadly enough, it didn't matter because this was so bad I don't think we even got ten minutes into it before we couldn't take anymore.

Plus there aren't even any mummies in it. It's just some loser psycho with mommy issues who wraps up the heads of the girls he kills. Terrible.

The Hanged Man (2007)

A group of whiny, unhappy people bond in a chat room where they decide to meet up in real life and commit suicide together.  The leader, Dwarfstar, is supposed to bring poison so that it will be over quickly and not hurt.

Eventually they all show up and wait around for Dwarfstar to show up.  One of the guys gets tired of waiting and decides he's going to hang himself.  One of the girls tries to stop him, and after he walks off, she insists that someone go look for him and stop him.  Um, isn't that what they came there to do anyway?

For a group that came together to end their lives, they're spending an awful lot of time avoiding death.  There are other examples, such as a gun is pulled and the intended victim is afraid she'll be shot, or someone being upset when the gun goes off during Russian roulette.  Who cares? You're there to end your miserable lives.

There's lots of talk from characters you don't care about, and  - I'm going to spoil it right here for you - after much emotional baggage is dumped on each other, people have flashbacks about their past, and hurt feelings are shared, no one dies. That's right, the whole gang of suicidal idiots who were so into ending their lives that they made a special trip to a farm in the middle of nowhere end up running away scared because they might die.  Yeah, so that was a waste of time.  Oh and apparently ghosts use Internet chat rooms. It's not as clever as it may sound.

Snow White: A Deadly Summer (2012)

After being arrested for joy riding in a stolen car, Snow White's father and evil stepmother (played by Eric Roberts and Maureen McCormick) send her off to a camp for out of control teens run by a former Navy Seal.  Eve, the stepmother, talks to herself in the mirror and wants Snow out of the way so she can monopolize her husbands time.

They may have wanted to check out this camp a little more in depth. The only building appears to be the camp office which has a huge deck.  The little delinquents are provided with daily medication and spend the nights in sleeping bags outdoors.  Their days consist of doing calisthenics (watch for the one girl who doesn't know how to do jumping jacks), moving rocks, and collecting firewood.  There is only one other employee besides the former Navy Seal, and when campers start turning up dead, not only do they decide to cover it up, but they continue having the kids sleep outside.

While the kids eat their meager lunches, one mentions there's a legend that twenty five year ago this used to be a summer camp.  But it was closed down after a camper killed another camper.  In true spooky story tradition, no one ever caught the murderer and some say she still lives in the woods.

Snow is having nightmares where she sees her fellow campers death and she's seeing someone in a hoodie hiding behind trees. Is she hallucinating or is this person real? Is it the murderer who was never found, come back to murder some more kids?

Well the first thing you need to know is that other than the lead character being named Snow White and having an evil stepmother, this has nothing to do with the fairy tale.  Second, it's a David DeCoteau film.  Enough said.

Snow's house is the same all white home used in DeCoteau's other recent movies.  The night scenes are filmed during the day.  The deaths all occur off screen and there is no blood or any marks on the bodies. The outfit provided to all the kids at the camp is a black tshirt, and they all wear jeans.  It's a typical DeCoteau film with lots of filler and not much of a story.

Clear Lake, WI (2009)

Fifteen years after the small town of Clear Lake, WI was rocked by an unexplained deadly illness, a self appointed Reverend who brainwashed teens into participating in the kidnapping and murders of sinners, and a government evacuation based on toxic contaminants in the town, reporter Kyra has the bright idea to round up the surviving teens (now adults) and bring them back to the long abandoned town so she can do a documentary on what really happened. Yes, because it's always good to bring people back to the scene of their trauma, even after they repeatedly tell you they don't want to go.

Kyra, who is determined to get to the truth but lacks any people skills or critical thinking ability, tells everyone to trust her because she wants what is best for them and thinks the trip will help them. This prompts the justifiably suspicious question, "what do you think we need help with?"  Oh Kyra, you amateur.... how could anything possibly go wrong?

Kyra shows her bias and lack of cranial processing when she states her belief that the teens who helped the Reverend are victims who can't be held responsible since the Reverend asked them to commit the crimes.  Yes, sounds like Kyra's really looking for the truth, especially when her best friend is the wife of Sam, who was one of the Reverends teen followers.

When subject Michael, who at first refuses to go on the trip, tells her, "This isn't a game. People died.  People's lives were changed!" arrogant Kyra haughtily replies, "Don't patronize me.  I've read the court transcripts and even seen pictures of the bodies, which you probably haven't.  So... I get how serious a subject this is." Oh yes, of course you do. Because if there's one thing that everyone knows, it's that reading about ritualistic serial murders in the safety of your local library provides a person with so much more insight than being a participant in the actual horrific events.

To make sure she gets the whole story, Kyra hides a recorder under the back seat of the van so she can catch all the groups conversations. So you can see how she's totally trustworthy and just wants to help. Kyra may want to consider that it's not a great idea to repeatedly pressure people who were part of a religious cult to go to the location of the murders and recall the events.

When the group asks what they should do while she's interviewing each individual, she casually responds that they can do whatever they want, or whatever they need to do because she's trying to help them.  This doesn't go over well and I suspect her documentary isn't going to fare much better.

I'm not sure why everyone agreed to be interviewed. Other than her friendship with Sam,  she doesn't know any of them.  She's a stranger asking them to open up about a horrific tragedy they were involved in, and they were on the wrong side of it. Plus she tries to be hard hitting and edgy, but is just annoying and irritating.

Not surprisingly Kyra proves to be the worst documentary maker ever and misses out on deeply personal conversations and revelations. When Michael remarks that if everyone had listened to him fifteen years ago things would have been different, Reed asks what he means by that.  Instead of laying back and listening to the revelations unfold, Kyra cuts them off and tells them they need to get back on track because they have a schedule to keep. Argh!  This was some big time, long buried stuff coming to light and she's more concerned with her preplanned, pseudo hard hitting, lame ass questions.

Also of note, for a fifteen years abandoned town, it is spectacularly clean. The floors are shined and there is no dust on anything.  And this movie has the worst cat scare I've ever seen.  Two people stand outside talking when a cat suddenly falls from above and hits the front of their jacket. Huh? Are they even near a tree? Did someone just throw a cat at them?  It precedes nothing and is totally pointless.

Dracula's Widow (1988)

Wow, a movie about Dracula's window?  Why would he have a window? They let in light so that's not such a great idea.  Yup, misread the title on this one and was slightly disappointed when I realized it was his widow.

A wax museum gets a delivery with an extra crate. Owner Raymond decides to keep it even though he know it's not his and has no idea what's in it. I guess he figured he'd get some free antiques.  Well he certainly did since the crate holds Count Dracula's widow, Vanessa. Oddly enough, she's well versed in modern fashion, wears a smart little business suit, and has a business woman's ugly haircut.

Vanessa takes control of Raymond since she needs someone to do her bidding.  His girlfriend isn't too happy with his odd behavior.

It all boils down to a not so interesting plot where Vanessa wants revenge on Van Helsings grandson, and a hard boiled detective is trying to figure out what the hell is going on with a new rash of murders in town. Also Raymond is a little late for the New Romantic movement with his poncey hair and accent.

Top Line (1988)

aka Alien Terminator

Ted Angelo, a hard drinking writer with a big mustache and a shirt that should be buttoned more often, is looking for a new story while on a bender in Columbia.  He hears stories about a treasure of gold, and in true Indiana Jones and Goonies fashion, he discovers an old ship inside an underground cavern. Oh and there's also a UFO in there. 

Ted's looking forward to writing a great story, but everyone on Earth including the CIA, KGB, mob and Nazi's beg to differ.  Soon Ted is being chased all over the island and drunkenly bedding down with women. Then the cyborg shows up. Yup, that's right, a cyborg.  He's got a gun and Ted is his target. Luckily for Ted he's not a very good cyborg assassin because he fries his own face with fireworks and then his melty face is destroyed by a bull. Ridiculous.

And that doesn't even touch on the gooey, slime drooling alien and the assertion that aliens have lived among us for thousands of years. Or George Kennedy as a villian and how disconcerting it is to hear his voice dubbed by someone else.  While this film is sometimes amusing, it's not very exciting.

This does not make me want to watch

Wow, that is some outfit

Goonies are good enough

A mustache of Tom Selleck proportions

Good god, put on a shirt

This Alien is full of green goo

The four faces of incompetent cyborgs

The Expendables 2 (2012)

Stallones second Expendables movie is better than the first one, and features the same cast along with Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Jean Claude Van Damme.  This time the team is sent to the site of a plane crash in order to recover a box from a hidden safe - the safe whose combination changes every 120 seconds, thus insuring that our team will almost blow themselves sky high.

After recovering the box, the evil Jean Claude swoops in, steals it, and takes the life of one of their team.  Well now you've gone and ticked Stallone off. So you just know there's going to be some mighty action and this doesn't disappoint.

There's some really funny lines, like "I now pronounce you  man and knife"  which needs to be seen because it won't be funny otherwise.  Chuck Norris shows up out of nowhere whenever the going gets trough. And if you like action that's entertaining and fun, this is a good one. Glad everyones ego can handle being in a film together. Let's hope the next one is even better.

Howling III: The Marsupials (1987)

Good job, Howling III, what were you thinking? Marsupial werewolves? Admit it - you just wanted to film in Australia so you slapped a pouch on a werewolf.

After Jerboa runs away from her werewolf family who live in the outback she ends up in the big city where she sits on a park bench until she's discovered by Donny, who works in the movie business.   When Donny sees her on that bench, he stops his car, and convinces her to be in the film he's working on.

After a few days working on the movie (and sleeping with Donny), the film wraps and there is a big after party complete with flashing lights. Apparently werewolf don't only turn at the full moon, they also change from flashing lights.  To avoid becoming a werewolf, Jerboa runs out of the party and is hit by a car.  At the hospital, doctors discover her anatomy isn't normal, and also note that she appears to be pregnant.  Somehow the wolf pack tracks her down, murders those who are in their way, and takes Jerboa back to her hometown.

When the police question Donny, he proves to be an atypical man. Most twenty something guys who slept with a girl they'd known for only a few days would be horrified to find out she was pregnant. But Donny doesn't even blink an eye when he's told he's going to be a father, and by the way, your child is a wolf. Even when he reunites with Jerboa and sees their little wolf baby in Jerboa's hairy pouch, he is abnormally happy. Blurgh!

This is one strange movie and not at all scary.  People turn into werewolves with big heads and there is an annoying Russian Ballerina who is from a different wolf clan.  Also the wolves claim they only kill to protect themselves.  So why did they kill the doctors? They could have just pushed the doctors out of the way rather than kill them. Plus the Ballerina becomes a wolf during a performance and kills her partner. What's up with that?

Urban Massacre (2002)

You know that awful feeling you get when the movie starts and you realize it was a bad idea to decide to watch it?  That's exactly  how I felt about this one, but it threw me a curve. Because it's an even worse feeling when you get at least a half hour into a movie and begin to wonder if it's supposed to be a comedy.

Hip hop group Tha Supanatchralz are an up and coming group who everyone wants to manage.  They hook up with the wrong guy who rips them off. Then a mafia guy comes along who wants a piece of the action.  And all the while, a stupid clown is starting to off their acquaintances.

There are lots of characters in this film. Every time you think you've seen everyone, they introduce a new character. It never stops and it's pointless other than needing more victims for the clown.

And what's up with that ending? We've caught the clown so let's take off his mask.... oh no, we're not going to show you who the killer is until part two. Yup, they actually tried to pull that trick. Hasn't everyone learned that all that does is piss off the viewers who've just dedicated an hour or two to a film that doesn't pay off?  And now you're saying I have to watch another crappy movie? Screw you!

They must have got a less than stellar reaction to the ending since there's a tacked on segment that says the killer was really the twin brother of the mafia guy. Yeah, another screw job because there was no twin brother in the movie.

Yup, it ends like this.

Cutthroat Alley (2003)

Jacobs is having a party at his mom's house to celebrate being accepted to college. He's invited his boyeez to the party because they always have his back.  But you know those gang bangers aren't going to be cool with a normal party, and when Jacobs tutor accidentally bangs into one of the guys, they punch the poor kid out. Aw yeah.

Jacob's is a bit worried there may be more trouble because his buddy Bones, who was recently released from jail, used to date Jacob's girlfriend.... .in Junior High. Yeah, because you know how hard it is when your ex from junior high starts dating someone else five years after you broke up. Damn. That's harsh, girl.

Meanwhile the town is gripped by terror because there's a killer on the loose whose cutting people with a huge knife.  Jacobs theorizes it's got to be a white guy since a brother would just use a gun.  But suspicion soon turns to Jacobs as the murder victims are all people he knows.

Even though everyone is afraid of the serial killer on the loose, most of the characters leave their doors open or unlocked. This wouldn't be good even if there weren't a killer since there are gangs in the area.  The other strange thing in this film is no one seems to have much of a reaction to their friends deaths.  One girls boyfriend is killed in her bedroom and she barely mentions it, and continues in her daily activities.

I'm not sure if it was because we watched a bunch of terrible movies before this one, but it didn't seem half bad.  It's not a good movie by any means, but I've seen worse.

The Ridge (2005)

Overbearing Noah invites his girlfriend, a couple of friends, and his annoying brother Brett up to the family cabin for the weekend. The group arrive to find the last people who rented the place didn't clean up before the left.

Later that night after everything is clean, the group sits around drinking and talking, and Brett gets on everybodies nerves.  Brett and Ian both tell stories about the Ridge Runner. Legend has it that he lived in the area and considered the land his own. So when families built houses on the land, he killed them. Oh and coincidentally their house is right in the same area.

Soon the bickering brothers and the other uninteresting characters have discovered a dead body in the pool and decide it's a good idea to get the heck out of there. Except Brett has moped off into the woods after getting in an argument with Noah and no one can find him.

There's nothing compelling about this film. The first half of the movie is the kids bickering and annoying the viewer.  The characters aren't particularly endearing, and there's no explanation why the Ridge Runner is killing people or if it's just a coincidence that a serial killer has chosen their home.

Cyborg Soldier (2008)

Meet Isaac. He's an Intuitive Synthetic Autonomous Assault Commando, aka a convicted murderer who was reprogrammed to be the ultimate killing machine. What could possibly go wrong?

Well the first problem is he escapes from the research facility and goes on the run. He ends up in a small town with some goons tracking him who will destroy anyone or anything that gets in their mission to recover him.

When there is a report of a stranger on one of the farms, Deputy Reardon goes to investigate and runs into Isaac. After a car full of goons from the research facility open fire on them with heavy artillery, they end up on the run and hiding at a vacant cabin in the woods. Since Isaac doesn't understand our strange human ways, the Deputy keeps having to explain things to him, as we humans do with all cyborgs.

Now both Deputy and Isaac are the targets of a police manhunt because the goons have framed the deputy at a murder scene. Oh no, will they ever survive? Well he's a freakin' cyborg, so what do you think?

Isaac is played by MMA fighter Rich Franklin. So I guess it's a good thing he's supposed to be robotic. The deputy is played by Tiffani Thiessen who was Kelly on Saved by the Bell.

Chronicle (2012)

Andrew has a rough life.  His mom is terminally ill, his dad is abusive, and he's picked on at school. So it seems like an odd idea when he decides to start filming everything that happens to him since a large video camera will attract more negative attention and he doesn't have anything good to remember anyway.

When his cousin convinces him to go to a party, Andrew reluctantly agrees and brings his camera.  After an altercation inside, Andrew ends up alone again until his cousin and a football player (who is friends with his cousin) ask him to bring his camera with them.

The three end up in the woods where there is a hole in the forest floor. Andrew follows the others into it and they find a tunnel with a huge glowing object at the end of it.  It knocks them out and they wake up later not having any recollection of what happened.

They also notice that have acquired some sort of power and can move things with their minds.  The more they practice, the better they get and Andrew discovers he can fly. Soon they're all zipping through the clouds which seems kind of stupid for any number of reasons.

After an incident where Andrew sends a tailgater off the road causing the other two to rescue the driver  from his overturned truck, they agree never to use their power against any living thing. But Andrew's got ideas of his own and whereas the others use the power for fun, Andrew practices night and day to increase his control and his overall power. Yup, no sign to be alarmed. Just a bitter non-social teen with the power to destroy anything that gets in his way.

Now here's where the movie goes off the rails.  A sympathetic character has to be justified in their actions, or righting a wrong,  in order to remain sympathetic instead of just becoming a psychotic asshole.  So guess which way Andrew goes?  It's like when the family member of a serial killer says he was a good guy, and everyone else is thinking, well then he shouldn't have slaughtered tons of people then.

Death Machines (1976)

Madame Lee, an Asian women with an overly large hairdo and a knack for sounding like she has a mouth full of glue, picks three martial artists to comprise her squad of Death Machines. Each one was the winner in a fight.  No one shall mention the lack of technical prowess in their opponents or that the white Death Machine used a gun to defeat his opponent.

Lee, who reminds me of a Madeline Kahn character, has decided to corner the market in assassins. So anytime someone hires a hit man, Lee sends her Death Machines kill the hit man. 

Then for some unimaginable reason, the Death Machines wipe out an entire karate dojo.  The teacher and all his students are killed, except for one guy who turns out to be really whiny.

The surviving student, Frank is missing a hand and swears revenge. Forgive me for being skeptical, but the Death Machines killed everyone in the building and took your arm. I don't really think you're up to the challenge.

Frank's nurse is a little too attached and once he's released from the hospital, she shows up wherever he goes, bringing a slightly stalker-ish vibe with her.  She is very encouraging and tells him he's not useless just because he lost an arm. And here the film takes a left turn into a love story between the nurse and only survivor Frank, who is soon beat up by an old codger at the bar. Granted, the guy beats up everyone in the bar, but still it's not going to help Frank's self confidence.

At one point the cops actually catch the white Death Machine, but thankfully for him they are the equivalent of the Keystone Cops and he's soon back on the streets to kill some more.

All I know is that the words "What the hell?!?" were uttered quite often while watching this ridiculous mess. Although I do love the teeth on the logo on the cover.

Pretty sure this bridge is in one of Sho Kosugi's Ninja films

Nothing better than dropping a dummy

Nice three piece suit. It goes well with the carpet.

Death Machines! 

Low rent Hal Linden does not approve

The days of colorful sports coats and serious smoking

Something is very wrong with his makeup, and it
looks like he was wearing goggles when it was applied

Note the chalk outline around the hand.... which
is not attached to the arm

Framing is important - don't be the guy who has a fountain
of water streaming from your nose

Madeline Kahn?

The Sears Catalog model Death Machines

High Plains Invaders (2009)

Outlaw Sam is standing on the gallows when he is accidentally saved due to huge metallic alien bug creatures invading the town, killing almost everyone and then drilling down into the ground.  The small group of survivors try to figure out what the creatures want, how to get out of town, and how to kill the creatures.

Meanwhile the local bounty hunter is more concerned about getting the reward for Sam and his buddy, while Sam's old love interest tends to a wounded woman whose husband was killed  by the bugs while doing work with Uranium. What? Who works with Uranium? Oh wait, there's a Uranium mine in town and you know how much aliens love Uranium.

This is typical syfy channel stuff (although I don't know if it was produced for them). It's cliched and lacks any excitement.

Hillside Cannibals (2006)

A group of teens head up into the mountains to go spelunking and camp outside the cave for the night. Unfortunately they chose to go spelunking (did they even bring any equipment?) right near a cave full of cannibals.

After killing or capturing all but one of the group, the cannibals thrill us with their lack of speech and limited movements.  Good god, this makes for a tough watch when most of the movie is looking at a girl wandering around alone, with the scenes only broken up by a stupid, creepy cannibals who make annoying grunting sounds.

Also of note is that this super old looking group of teens are actually of high school age which is determined when a Ranger recognizes the lone girl as the girl who ran away from her foster family.  To which she replies it's only got two months until she's 18.

Once our trusty Ranger gets her in his rangermobile and calms her down, his brilliant plan is for both of them to get out of the car and walk back to the scene of the crime, i.e. the cannibal bloodbath area.  Why wouldn't he call it in? Or if no phone, drive back to get some help?  Report it to someone. Don't just wander off into the rocks looking for the multiple murderers you're been warned about, and good god why did she willingly go with him?

This one is brutal - not for the victims but for the viewer -  and I'd recommend watching it in fast motion. You won't miss much since the cannibals don't talk anyway.

Machete Joe (2010)

Damn you, Machete Joe!  You've lied to me more than once and I demand retribution.  First, I picked you out of the discount bin, but when I got you home found I'd been charged full price. Liar!

Second, when I went back to the store to ask for the discounted price since the price sticker with the word bin was stuck over the regular price sticker, the clerk said that didn't necessarily mean it was supposed to be sold at the discount bin price.  Liar!

And third, to add injury to insult, the description (which is why I picked up this terrible thing) was written by someone who never watched the film. Damn you, you liar!

The description starts out, "A group of urban legend busters sets out to discover the mysterious truth behind a disfigured killer.... "  Really?!  Urban legend busters? I don't ever remember anyone ever busting legends.  Investigating? Sure. Trying to prove legends are real?  Yes.  But legend busting? Well that sounds exciting...no, it really doesn't but I was excited to see how they bust up the old legend and what kind of wacky capers they would have.  Well the joke was on me because there isn't even a real legend, let alone any legend busting, going on in this movie.

Instead we get a story about a film crew and actors who go to this old stone house to shoot a movie.  They are told not to film in the desert because it can be dangerous, but of course they do anyway. The movie they are shooting is based on an old newspaper article about a guy who killed someone with a machete.  They call their lead character Machete Man.  But now people on the set are dying. What the heck? Is there really a machete man come back to life?  No, of course not.  Are there any urban legend busters? Of course not. Is there a secret? Well yes, and though it's been well contained for over ten years all of a sudden whoops, it's set free and running wild. Damn those secrets, always killing you when you least expect it.

Penny Dreadful (2006)

The worst self help expert in the world decides that Penny, who is afraid of cars, should go on a long drive to the mountains where years before she was in a car wreck that killed her parents.  From Penny's freak out reactions, it seems like they should have worked up to this. And this is one hell of a long ride since they start out in the day and when it's pitch black they're still driving.

As they drive along an isolated road, they accidentally hit a hitchhiker.  Counselor Orianna gets out to check on him and when she comes back tells Penny they're giving the creep a ride. It's the least they could do after they hit him with a car.  After settling in the back seat he says nothing but at one point he offers to share a skewer of raw meat with them.

His destination is a camp down a deserted overgrown road. When the car gets closer, they discover the camp is closed which causes some panic.  But our little hitcher gets out without incident, and as they peel off he waves good bye. Oh what a polite little maniac.

Less than a minute later, Orianna stops for Penny to throw up, and they discover a knife in their front tire.  Let's consider the idiocy of this turn of events.  You've just dropped off a creepy hitchhiker who was eating a skewer of fresh raw meat.  Wouldn't you refuse to pull over and tell Penny to stick her head out the window to puke? And if you did make the mistake of pulling over, only to find a big knife in your tire, wouldn't you leave it in there to avoid the air escaping? And wouldn't you push freak out Penny into the car when she said she couldn't get back in? (In Penny's mind being in a car is worse than being alone at night in the middle of the woods with a crazed maniac).

And once in the car, wouldn't you drive like a bat out of hell rather than refusing to move until Penny wipes the condensation off the back window to see if the maniac is standing behind the car?  And once you drove off and the tire became totally flat, wouldn't you keep driving - even if you were on the rim and it was throwing up sparks? Wouldn't your goal to be get the hell away from there and find civilization? Or at least put many miles between you and the maniac?

And if you decided the best point of action should be to stop so you don't damage your car,  and walk around to try to get a signal on your cell phone, wouldn't you stop walking once you connected with 911? Or would you just keep walking and lose the signal? Good god! Worst. Counselor. Ever.

Honestly, you'll get so annoyed by Penny screaming that you'll have to fast forward or mute the sound eventually. Most of the movie takes place in the car so yeah, that's real exciting.

Bloody Mary (2006)

Oh boy, another movie about Bloody Mary.  Look in the mirror, say her name, oh god why did I do that, now I'm dead.  That pretty much sums up every Bloody Mary movie you'll ever see.

But this one changes things up a little bit by adding a tunnel, an insane asylum, and a stupid detective.  Not enough of a change if you've watched any other Bloody Mary movies, unless you have a desire to see every Bloody Mary movie in existence - in which case, enjoy.

I don't know what these nursing students who work at the local asylum are doing, but one is forced to disrobe completely, go into the tunnels under the asylum, find the room with the mirror, and call Bloody Mary.

As you'd expect when you call a killer ghoul, things go horribly wrong. As the poor girl reaches up for her friends hands, she is  dragged back into the tunnel and never seen again.  Instead of reporting this or trying to get help, the girls decide to cover it up since they are afraid of psycho mean girl Jenna who says she got what she deserved.

Soon the missing girls sister, who happens to be a reporter, is in town investigating her disappearance. But luckily for the nursing students, she's working with an incredibly stupid detective who seems to think that she's trying to show him up if she has an independent thought or theory about her sisters disappearance.

When she mentions she heard her sister was playing the mirror game, the detective scoffs that it's probably some hippie thing (?!?) that has nothing to do with her sister.  When she mentions they found her sisters bracelet in the tunnels, he says it's not big deal (even though we've been told the tunnels have been closed for years and are off limits to patients and staff).  It all basically boils down to the detective going, "Oh you think you're so smart.  You're just a stupid woman. I'm a cop."

And I don't know who runs this asylum, but it's got to be the worst asylum of this century.  Patients wander around at night and unsupervised. Orderlies bargain for the rights to take advantage of the patients.  And let's talk about Scooter - when he's asked to take care of a patient, he replies "I'm on a break" and makes a call on his phone.  Oddly enough, later when Scooter decides to leave town due to fear of Bloody Mary, he gets a call asking him to come in immediately for a double shift. And all of a sudden, he can't say no (even though he says yes begrudgingly). Why is he all of a sudden responsible? He's been a tool the whole movie.

The most ridiculous part is when the Doc suddenly decides he should take care of things, even though no one suspects he has any involvement in anything going on.  It prompts numerous questions, such as:

• Why did he he ever mention Bloody Mary? How about pleading ignorance?
• Why did he insist on going into the tunnels?
• Why didn't he use misdirection to point her sister to someone else? It's an asylum full of lunatics. Blame one of them and set them up. You've already got people wandering around unsupervised.
• Why is an eyeball collection kept in a cabinet at the asylum? Shouldn't you hide that better?
• Why didn't he let the detective leave?  The detective already stated he didn't believe the sisters theory, didn't care if the doc could find the paperwork in question, and said he couldn't wait to leave, so why not just let the guy leave? The detective is an idiot! He doesn't suspect a thing. Let him go or people will start looking for a missing detective.

Ugh, stupid movie.

A Lure: Teen Fight Club (2010)

When a number of teenage girls disappear over a period of months, the police assign female detective  Maggie to go undercover and pose as a high school student.  The police aren't anywhere near to solving the case, but they figure she can protect the girls. But Maggie actually solves the case by getting hit in the face with a shovel and  kidnapped by a gang of freaky weirdos intent on... well the title tells you right where this one is going.  Way to go, Maggie!

Maggie was a star field hockey player so she joins the team and ticks off the popular girls. As in many high school films, the most popular girl in school humiliates and bullies her friends, and treats everyone else even worse. This begs the eternal question, why the hell is this bitch popular?

So when the popular girls ask Maggie for a ride to a rave (since none of them have a way to get to there), Maggie says sure.  Too bad no one realizes that their invitations were switched out by the creepy janitor. So the girls end up in the middle of a park where a gang of creeps eventually grabs them, and throws them in tiny cages in a barn where they'll stay until they are brought out to the ring of the teen girl fight club. Yes, it's the underground club where grown business men can bet thousands of dollars on teen girls with shock collars and lingerie. The fights last hundreds of seconds so not sure why they'd waste their money, but then again, I'm not some pathetic wretch watching a teen fight club.

The film is pretty stupid, but it looks professional.  So I guess it's got that going for it, but that's about it.

I, Madman (1989)

Virginia works in a used bookstore and loves reading old horror pulps. The problem is when she reads them, she gets scared and has to call her detective boyfriend to come over and stay with her.  Well, I guess that's not really a problem.

After reading a book by Malcolm Brand, Virginia becomes obsessed with locating the other book he's written.  She can't find the one the store just got in an estate sale, but when she finds it  outside her apartment door, she assumes it was left there by her friend Mona who works at the store also.

Soon Virginia finds that not only is she scared of what she's reading, but she believes she is seeing the protagonist in real life.  Since he's a guy with a scarf covering his face, and a missing nose and mouth, he shouldn't be hard to identify.

Then she notices that after she reads a chapter in the book, someone she knows dies in the same manner.  As if that isn't bad enough, the ultimate goal of the protagonist is in getting the missing parts of his face, attaching them, and trying to win the heart of the girl he loves, who he believes is Virginia.

The police think Virginia is crazy and who wouldn't? So her boyfriend is totally embarrassed, especially since Virginia keeps trying to convince them there are going to be more murders and they're all committed by the same person, who has been coming into her apartment. Hooo boy, yeah, we're getting nowhere with this chick.

This is a neat little movie and the make up is decent. The sewn together face is gross and there is a claymation monster.  The scariest thing about this movie is that Virginia works in a used bookstore piled high with old highly flammable paperbacks and she smokes at work. What a nut.  

Wages of Sin (2006)

Sue inherits an old house and invites her bryfriend and another couple to drive up to see it with her. Since there aren't any hotels in the area, they decide to sleep in the car and park right in the middle of the one lane dirt road they're on. Nice.

When they continue the drive the next day, Sue tells them that she suffered some sort of tragedy in her past that she's completely  blocked out.  Then when they stop at a nearby country store to get some supplies, they are warned that there's evil afoot at the house and they shouldn't mess around there.  Needless to say, the warning falls on deaf ears. But I'm sure everything will work out just fine. 

Since the only food they have is candy bars from the gas station, the guys are thrilled to find a freezer full of meat. Even though Sue tells them the steaks are twenty years old, the guys decide they know how to cook it to make it taste great, and they'd rather eat meat than chocolate bars.  So has the electricity been on the whole time? And even if it has, yuck! So glad they're willing to chance food poisoning rather than eat chocolate.  Sadly enough, it does not make them ill.

After a lawyer scare (where a lawyer raps on the window in the middle of the night), gives them paperwork and tells them the place has a reputation (and leaves without providing any info), the kids decide to have a seance against Sue's wishes. Nothing to worry about, even though Sue's been acting weird since they got there and she's hallucinating. 

As anyone could have guessed the seance doesn't go well, and soon the gang is running for the car. But since this is cursed land, they just keep ending up at the house, and you'll hope that they die. But it's never that easy, is it?  And so we're subjected to another half hour of misery as Sue works out her family problems with her friends, her families curse, and the ghost of a psycho preacher.  All the while her friends think, "thanks for the invite, Sue."

If there's a red light in your attic, you've either
got hookers or pure evil up there

Good god, this doesn't look good, no matter what the age.

The kids pondering the twenty year old meat.

When someone passes out at the Ouija, it's a bad sign.

Continuity blunder - it's dark outside the car....

...but it's light outside the house.

The Citadel (2012)

While they're moving out of their apartment, Tommy witnesses a violent attack on his pregnant wife which leaves her in a coma and causes labor to be induced.

Nine months later, Tommy is still suffering from agoraphobia and flinching at the slightest sound or the sight of an unexpected visitor, especially when they are children in hoodies as that is who attacked his wife.  So I don't get the best feeling when the hospital decides it's time for Tommy to be released. He's free to take his baby back to the same neighborhood, which seems odd based on his continued trauma, and especially since he's recently had to make the decision to take his comatose wife off life support.

Tommy's afraid of his own shadow and that first night he sees and hears children outside the house. He also suspects thinks he sees them inside.  The next day a sympathetic nurse tries to help him face his fears by providing emotional support and reiterating some advice from his therapy sessions - stop looking like a victim since  fear is palpable.

But the children in hoodies seem to be everywhere, waiting to attack Tommy and anyone who knows him.  So when his baby disappears, Tommy decides he has to act and his child is more important than his fear. He enlists the help of a local man who knows where the children live and they both head out to the abandoned high rise in search of Tommy's child.

This is not your typical horror movie as it's more about atmosphere than flat out scares or gore. I liked it, but wasn't too fond of the ending.

Waxwork (1988)

A group of friends goes to a late night private party at a local wax museum that hasn't opened yet.  The group is pretty annoying, but two of them turn out to be temporarily smarter than your average bear when they decide it is too creepy to go in.

They have some drinks and then enter the museum, where they split up to look at items on their own.  Two of the four end up entering the displays and when they pass the ropes, they find themselves in the actual scene.  Tony ends up in the woods and thinks he's been dosed and must be hallucinating.  Too bad he's in the werewolf scene as soon Tony is facing a hulking wolf with no were to turn.

When Marc decides he's ready to go, he can only find Sarah as the other two friends have disappeared. When the others are still missing the next day, Marc contacts the police who aren't too keen on his theory that they disappeared in the wax museum which isn't even open for business. Oh my, whatever will they do?

I've got to be honest. I've never been a fan of Waxwork. I'm not sure if it's the anthology style of the story telling, or just that some of it creeps me out, or that the Marquis de Sade seems like an odd choice for a segment of the film. But if you like 80s horror, it's one you should probably check out. It features David Warner as the evil waxwork owner and Patrick McNee shows up near the end to fight the monsters.