Dead Before Dawn (2012)

Casper is asked to watch his grandfathers shop, The Occult Barn.  But Casper has avoided going there since his dad died there as a result of an accident involving a giant urn.

When his friends and a girl he has a crush on come into the store and want to see a huge urn on the top shelf, he refuses.  But peer pressure and an attempt to impress his crush makes Casper pull down the urn so they can look at it.  Of course you know there's going to be an accident, which is unfortunate since an evil spirit lives in the urn and he's up to no good.

So when the kids jokingly quote cliche horror plot lines to come up with a big convoluted curse which includes that anyone they look in the eye will kill themselves and come back to life, the spirit in the urn makes it so. Before they know it they are fighting for their lives from Zemons - a combination of zombie and demon. I know they wanted that to be clever, but it just sounds stupid.

The trailer I saw for this one looked pretty funny, but the movie was only okay. Even the scenes that were funny in the trailer weren't funny within the context of the scene. If you put your funniest lines in the trailer and then the movie can't live up to it, it's just going to be a disappointment. And honestly the concept of Zemons was pretty lame. Just make them zombies and be done with it.

Ground Zero (2010)

Jairus and Greer are cleaners, i.e. people who discreetly clean up dead bodies and blood after a company feels the need to eliminate a so-called problem.  They're given big money to clean up five bodies in a warehouse. Since they're on a tight deadline, their employer calls in two dorky cleaners they've never met to help with the job.  Jairus and Greer are not amused since the two strangers have a less than professional demeanor.

What the teams don't know is that one of the bodies is an activist who broke into a lab and injected himself with a virus so that he could expose the evil dealings of the company.  While one of he cleaners is alone with the bodies, the activist comes back to life and bites him.  When he tells the others what happened, they don't believe him.

The virus is transmitted through saliva or bodily fluids, so now we have a cleaner who's coughing up massive amounts of blood before dying and - you guessed it - coming back as a zombie.

This is a low budget film, and while it's not the worst thing I've ever seen, it's not that good.  The characters are boring and involved in a profession that makes them not very likable.  The idea to show the zombie at ground zero is okay, but nothing new. There are only four zombies in the film, which would be fine if the script was engaging in some way, but it's just an uninteresting zombie flick.

The Bell Witch Haunting (2013)

Brandon and his family move to a new city just in time for Brandon's birthday party where he gets some fancy new video camera so he can start working on becoming a filmmaker. Like all found footage movies, this means he's going to shoot all the time, even when terrible things happen and he should be getting help or calling the police.  It also means we're going to be subject to lots of filler since we'll essentially be watching home movies of mundane things until the supernatural stuff starts.

Anyone who gets motion sickness is going to have a hard time watching this film as the footage truly looks like it was shot by a teenager with no knowledge of cinematography. The damn camera waves around and constantly shakes, which made me feel like I was going to puke.

In the first two weeks in their new house: the garbage disposal spits up blood all over Dad; there's what appears to be a pool of  blood near the foundation; strange noises are heard from the basement; kids who were guests in their home end up dead; their daughter wakes up screaming every night;  Dad cuts his arm, wanders off in the night, gets tasered and blobs of ectoplasm or blood fall out of his mouth; the worst electrician in the world is hilariously electrocuted; and every time they call 911 for help, the phone goes dead in the middle of the call.  Yet when a distraught Mom calls a priest, she ignores the big stuff to tell him that they have a lamp that keeps blinking off and on.

The common denominator in all the teen deaths is that they were last seen alive at Brandon's house. Yet the police don't seem to be able to put this together. Perhaps it's because there seems to only be one policeman in town. Office Bungalon is the one who finds all the bodies, responds to all the calls, and has a name which makes me think he's going to bungle everything.

So in case you haven't guess, this does not get high marks for watchability - except for Officer Bungalon.

Ghoul School (1990)

Two thugs break into the local high school because they've heard the janitor keeps... something... hidden in the basement.  The janitor is a drunken loser who drinks hand sanitizer, but when he's tortured he won't give up the location of his secret stash of whatever.

When the thugs find a hidden room with nothing in it, they are oddly enthralled as if it might be the key to what they are seeking. They push a button on the wall and something I can't identify happens - is anything happening here? Are water drops falling on them? - which makes them slowly crumple to the floor. Whatever that button did, it also causes water to spill out of the faucets, drinking fountains, and a hose going into the pool where the swim team is practicing.

The mystery liquid causes the swim team to turn into zombies. But you won't realize they're zombies until other characters start referring to them as such.  The zombies have pointy teeth and blue skin. Sometimes just their faces are blue, other times it's their whole bodies. Perhaps since these zombies are wearing swimsuits, props ran out of blue makeup at some point? Or there was no continuity person?

Meanwhile in the auditorium, the band Bloodsucking Ghouls is practicing for their big show.  There is lots of unintentional laughs since the music doesn't match up to what their actions.  There is a keyboard solo, but no keyboard player.  There are big drum fills, but the drummer isn't playing fills.  And most obvious of all, the guitar player drops to his knees for a wailing lead to end the song, but the music ends - and he keeps playing while the soundtrack is silent.

The film comes to a screeching halt when there appears to be randomly inserted footage of an awkward Joe Franklin being assailed by the dated unfunny jokes of Jackie the Joke Man, whose support of this film is obvious due to half the cast wearing t-shirts with his name on them. Also has Joe Franklin ever used a phone before? Because he seems to have a problem holding it up to his ear, and it usually hovers an inch or so away his head.

This is one messed up movie. In the commentary, the director keeps apologizing for how bad it is.  Even though it's not good, I kind of enjoyed it. It's relatively short and makes no sense. Highlights of ridiculousness include:

• a basketball team that doesn't sink a single shot and doesn't seem to know how to do a lay up
• multiple horrible poofy mullets
• a lady with a Dee Snider wig (commentary from the director mentions he has no idea why they thought it was a good idea to put this horrible wig on her)
• the kid with the glasses and a droopy lip - is he imitating Bill Murray from Caddyshack, or did he have a stroke at some point in his life?
• the lead singers girlfriend who wants to manage the band (right out of Spinal Tap)
• the principals saying that there is a natural spring in the basement and the school bottles it's own water (if it weren't for the fact that they bottle the water and nothing ever happened prior to the thugs entering the mystery room, I'd think this was the source of the zombies)
• the premise that there is a room in the basement with mystery liquid that can turn people into zombies - where the hell did this room come from? Why would anyone put it in a school? Why hasn't there ever been this problem before? Why would someone put a button in there that releases something to make people turn into zombies? Who is responsible for this fiasco?

Bad Dialogue-

"I think they're putting a little too much chlorine in the pool." - the running joke in the film

"I'm feeling very, very peculiar. Very, very... something." - Joe Franklin

Can there ever be too many Jackie the Joke Man shirts?

The inconsistent zombie make up,with the strange pointy teeth

The band's going to drive the kids crazy with excitement

Dee Snider?

Joe, the phone goes next to your ear, not an inch from it.

Mullets galore! The guy on the top left is the poufiest swirliest mullet.

After the blue faced zombies, I didn't expect this

Evil Dead (2013)

A group of friends goes to a cabin in the woods owned by David and Mia's parents.  They are there to help Mia detox and plan to stay for the weekend. Mia keeps saying that something smells awful, but no one else notices it.

Eventually they go into the basement and find a room full of dead animals hanging from the ceiling.  They also find a book which they bring upstairs.

Now if you found a book and it said DO NOT READ in huge red letters, and also told you not to read, speak, or think of the words, would you ignore its warning? Hell no! You should avoid that book like the plague.

We had an interesting discussion regarding going into the cellar and finding the book and dead animals.  At first we all said these kids were stupid for bringing the book upstairs and reading it. But after thinking some more, Michelle said she would probably do the same thing (she owns a bookstore and it would definitely peak her curiousity).

If a book had DO NOT READ on it, I probably wouldn't pay any attention to the warning. But when said book is found in a room with recently deceased animals hanging from the ceiling, that's a whole other story.  I would want to get the hell out of that cabin due to the dead animals.  If the animals were just bones, I would figure they'd been there a long time. I'd be creeped out but probably stay.  But newly dead animals tells me whoever killed them might be around and might come back.

So these stupid kids stay at the cabin and things go all wiggedy whack and people die.  It's actually not a bad movie, but I didn't care about the characters. But if a jeep falls on your arm and the ground is muddy, it will mess you up, but your arm will sink into the mud.  When my brother was a kid, his leg was run over by a 600 pound ox cart that was full of kids. The only reason his leg wasn't crushed was because it had been raining and the weight of the cart pushed his leg down into the mud.  Sure he was sore and used crutches for a week or so, but he didn't even break anything. And that was his freakin' leg....so there.

Ghost Team One (2013)

When roommates Sergio and Brad find out that Fernanda, a girl they're both interested in, believes in the paranormal, they say  they're making a documentary about a ghost Serg caught on camera upstairs in their home.  Fernanda volunteers to join their paranormal team and while doing research on the house, discovers that several murders occurred in the home.

The guys decides to set up cameras all over the house, and attempt to contact the ghost using a Ouija board.  But any time something happens, the guys flee the house in terror.

This is supposed to be a parody of paranormal found footage movies, but the problem is it's not funny.  There were only three  things in the whole movie that made me chuckle.

• the lights go out in the middle of a seance, but turns out to be due to all the video cameras overloading the circuit breakers.
• When an argument breaks out while using the Ouija board, Serg yells, "It's not a game!" and Brad shouts back, "It's not a game?!? It's made by Hasbro!"
• After Brad has an intimate encounter with the ghost, he's referred to in in interview footage as a paranormal sex survivor

Along with a lack of laughable moments, it's not scary either, and most of the characters aren't very likable. 

The Demons of Ludlow (1983)

Hey, it's another Bill Rebane movie!

The town of Ludlow is celebrating it's Bicentennial and the deceased grandson of the founder sent an old white piano from the UK. It's never explained how a deceased person sent a piano, but it makes about as much sense as many of the random unexplained scenes in this movie.

Debbie, a reporter who lived in Ludlow until she was nine, is there to report on the Bicentennial celebration, which seems to consist of a barn dance.  But she's heard stories about the town from her grandfather and recalls that the piano was previously in town. So she's curious as to why that wasn't mentioned when the mayor introduced the celebrated gift. When she starts looking into the history of the town, she can't find anything which strikes her as odd.  Also all the old timers get cranky when she asks them about the towns history and the piano.

Turns out the town is cursed and the Preacher is the only one concerned about it.  Ludlow was cast out of town for being evil and vowed revenge on everyone for cutting off his hands. Why he waited until the Bicentennial to get revenge is beyond me. It seems it would have been much more satisfying to get revenge against the people who actually wronged you, rather than on their descendants.

The best thing about this movie is that there's a piano demon.  The worst thing is that the movie is slow paced and we never really see the demon, other than it's hand. We see Ludlow in ghost form, but that's not the same as a piano demon.  Also I actually nodded off a few times during the last part of the film. So if the demon did appear in the film, then I must have been asleep at that time.

The Cold (1984)

aka The Game

Three millionaires invite nine people, (a band and some twenty somethings), to an island mansion so they can participate in a game.  While the band plays, everyone else dances and parties until the millionaires sit down and explain what's going on.  Well, it's not so much an explanation as a vague reference.

The millionaires reveal three things about the game.

1. It's called The Game
2. The survivor wins 1 million dollars.
3. Everyone will want to leave once the game begins, but if they do, they're disqualified.

They have until the next morning to decide if they want to leave, but no one does since they all want the million dollars.  As soon as the game begins, strange things start happening, including a strange fog which is accompanied by freezing cold air.

People begin disappearing, there is blood on the floor, the millionaires chuckle and dance down the hallways, plus there's a strange hunchback living in an abandoned house  - which begs the question why is there an abandoned house on the millionaires island retreat? Sometimes peoples mouths move as if they're talking, but there is no dialogue. Oh and did I mention the shark in the swimming pool?

This is a low budget movie filmed in Wisconsin.  The acting isn't very good, and there's an especially bad performance by Shelly, who I hope is putting on that terrible accent rather than that being her actual speaking voice. 

The film is book ended by rhyming narration, with the ending narration basically confirming that the viewers confusion is well founded.  The creature on the cover does appear in the film, but only a couple of times. It looks creepier in the movie.

This film was directed by Bill Rebane, who also did The Capture of Bigfoot, The Giant Spider Invasion, and Monster A-Go Go.  The latter two were each an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Silly Dialogue:

"We'll be playing a game that we call... The Game."

"Don't be so edgy. Come on you'll get me going too."

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to.... want some pickles?"

G.I.Joe: Retaliation (2013)

The Joes are sent on a mission that turns out to be a set up meant to eliminate the team, and destroy their reputation by casting them as traitors to their country. Only three of the Joe's survive an attack on their camp, and somehow make it back to the US where they begin investigating who set them up.  The stupidest Joe wants to let someone in charge know they're alive, but luckily the other surviving Joes let him know the error of his tiny brain.

Meanwhile Storm Shadow rescues the Cobra Commander from his watery prison, but an injury while escaping causes Storm to go into hiding at a retreat on the side of a sheer mountain face.

Back in the US, The President announces that since the Joe's are disgraced and incredibly dead, they are unable to fulfill their duties. So he is appointing a new security team, and that team is Cobra. Um, did everyone forget about the destruction Cobra has previously done? You'd think that would be a sign that there was something wrong with the President, even though no one would  guess it was a double who was in league with Cobra.... except the Joes. Dun dun dah!

Well, there's a whole bunch of plot holes here, plus people getting injured whenever it's convenient to the plot.  There's dialogue that makes no sense, and cringe worthy puns. But I did enjoy the ninja scenes. In fact, it would have been better if it had been focused on the ninjas.  Also it would be better if Hollywood stopped making movies based on toys and board games.

Moon Stalker (1989)

A family vacation in a snowy campground is interrupted by an old man in an old car towing a crappy camper.  At first Dad is upset that someone is encroaching upon the private space he's found for the family.  But that night the family decides to visit the old mans campfire to keep him company. They listen to him tell stories of his son Bernie and the fun the two used to have camping before Bernie got sick.

Things go well until the old man gets a little too angry, slams down an ax, and creeps everyone out.  The family quickly excuse themselves and go back to the safety of their camper, which ends up not being so safe. Because it turns out Bernie is actually still alive, has a bag over his head, and is chained up inside the crappy old camper.  Soon Bernie is chopping away at the family who have a might nice microwave that the old man wants.

Meanwhile over in another part of the woods, there is a Wilderness Counselors Camp. Yes, it's a camp to train counselors, which is odd on it's own but it's even stranger since it's in the middle of the woods and check in is at night.

Soon Bernie has found his way to the counselors campsite, people are disappearing, and two counselors go off looking for the cabin, where legend has it, Bernie used to live.  Aaaaand the counselors end up in their underwear in the cabin after falling into a stream.

I'd heard this was really bad, which is why I wanted to track it down, but it's actually just a low budget, not so great movie. It doesn't get into the pantheon of so bad it's good, or so bad I loathe it. There's questionable acting and a practically nonexistent plot which boils down to crazy Bernie kills everyone he meets with an ax.

Ridiculous dialogue-

"Don't let her get away, boy. She's one of them that put you away. She's a camper!" - Pops

Amorous couple going to tent to be alone (and a girl who's going to be very disappointed):

Girl - We have to be back at the campfire in a half hour.

Boy - That's twice as much time as I need.

You know it's the 80s with a title screen like this

The worst family vacation ever

poster board and markers

Driving at night with sunglasses?  No wonder he got lost 

The headband, the hair... what the hell?

Murder Mansion (1972)

aka Maniac Mansion, aka La mansión de la niebla

Various characters in multiple vehicles end up crashing, going off the road, or stopping due to a horribly thick fog. All of them end up at a mysterious mansion next to a cemetery.  The young woman who owns the house advises them not to leave until the morning when the fog should be gone.

When her guests ask about the portrait of an older woman above the mantel who resembles her, she explains is is her grandmother who was thought to be a witch. Her grandmother and chauffeur were killed one night when their car crashed into a wall.  She also mentions the town being abandoned after a rash of vampire incidents, but no one seems all that concerned about any of this news - other than the woman who was slowly chased by the chauffeur and old lady.

There are also some flashbacks to the roaring twenties parties that her grandmother used to have during the houses heyday.  But I can't tell you much about this movie since it couldn't hold my interest.

I picked up this movie on Chilling Classics, one of those 50 movie packs which means the picture is full screen and the quality of what you'd see if they were showing it on late night TV in the 1980s - soft and washed out.

When I started watching it, I realized I'd seen it before, but I couldn't remember much about it. After seeing it again, I realized that I didn't remember much because it didn't hold my interest.  I'm still not sure what happened after they decided to go to bed. There's a hidden passageway, wrestling with the ghost chauffeur, guests start dying, and someones got daddy issues.

The Colony (2013)

After an apocalypse that left the world covered with snow and ice, small pockets of survivors exist in under ground buildings.  When Colony 7 gets a distress call from Colony 5 and can't get in touch with anyone, they decide to send a search party.

When the three man team arrives, they find lots of blood and a seemingly deserted station. After hearing banging and locating a locked room, they pick the lock and find a lone man inside.

The survivor states that their colony had picked up a broadcast from people who were in an area without snow. They had sun and soil, but no seeds to plant for food.  When his colony sent a party looking for it, they found no one, but something followed them when they came back home. Oh yes, and he was not the one doing the banging.  In fact he's hiding and won't leave the room.

The rest of the movie involves meeting the menace that attacked the colony and trying to get home without leading it back to their own colony. It's kind of slow to build up to where the team is in trouble. Before that it is a fairly standard plot. There's trouble in their own colony with one guy getting more militant and less compassionate about anyone who gets sick since it puts the rest at risk for survival.

There's not a lot of action until the last third of the movie. The first part is introducing the main characters and showing the splintering of the colony's vision with characters starting to go rogue. No one can ever get along after the apocalypse, can they? Overall it's not great, but okay. The menace they face is kind of stupid and so is their plan of resistance. There's some nicely done green screen work, which is evident if you watch any of the Making of... video.

Buried Alive (2007)

A group of friends finds themselves buried alive in elaborately rigged coffins and tries to figure out why they've been chosen for this fate.

Meanwhile above ground, Melanie is worried about her girlfriend Sage. It's been 24 hours since she was talking to Sage on a web cam and saw her attacked by a masked man with a crowbar.  Oddly enough she doesn't notify anyone or do anything until 24 hours has passed. Could it be a prank? Well, yeah if your friends are total dicks, it could be. 

Then instead of calling the police, she calls her brother Travis to help her figure out what's going on. She vlogs about the missing Sage hoping someone can help her figure out what has happened.  She also breaks into Sage's place to see if she can find any clues. Oh and did I mention she's been given a link to a website where she can see Sage and other people in the coffins? Again, the police aren't contacted.

Travis tapes everything they do. The movie also includes flashbacks to tapes of his high school friends, which is relevant since they are in the coffins. Hmmmm... but the coffin kids suspect it is weirdo Tommy, the nice but unpopular outcast they always picked on and beat up. Tommy's relationship with Travis is unclear since Travis often tortures Tommy along with his friends, but also sometimes hangs out with him.

I picked this up because I liked the cover and it was only $3.00. But I was pretty sure it wasn't going to be any good.  Yup, called that one right. Since it's supposed to be video footage from Travis's tapes, it's  like watching video your untalented friend shot, mixed with surveillance footage of the kids in the coffins.  And most of them aren't particularly likable so you don't care if they die.

Troll (1986)

The Potter family moves into a new apartment and while everyone is bringing in boxes, little Wendy manages to get abducted by a troll in the basement.  Don't you hate when that happens?

No one notices Wendy is gone since the troll has a magic ring and turns himself into Wendy's doppelganger.  But everyone thinks Wendy is acting up since she's growling, running around like a crazy person, and eating like a beast. She's a royal pain in the ass and an embarrassment when she does strange things to or around the new neighbors. But mom and dad are overwhelmed and just sort of shrug as if to say, what's up with her?

Soon older brother Harry figures out that something is seriously wrong with Wendy. After watching some sci fi on TV he begins to think she's not really Wendy at all, but an alien. Close enough, but who is going to believe him?

Luckily he's moved into the only apartment in the city which has a witch waiting to stop the troll when he makes his attempt at taking over the world.  The weird thing is that the troll takes over all the apartments except hers and the Potters before she decides to do anything about it. Not sure if that's the best idea for someone who's spent centuries being the guardian against this sort of thing, but oh well. She's got Harry to help her fight the troll and his little minions who are sprouting up in all the apartments.

This isn't a scary film and it's pretty silly at times. There are little troll and goblin puppets, and some are quite cute. Sony Bono melts after being touched by the troll, and that's kind of yucky.  The movie is entertaining enough, especially if you like 1980s movies. You don't need to watch it to understand Troll 2 since they don't seem to have anything to do with each other.

Cannibal Campout (1988)

Four college students go to the woods for the weekend and run into trouble when they beep their horn at some slow driving hicks on a one lane dirt road.  The hillbillies get out of their car,  approach the van, and get in a confrontation in which they  express their interest in a sexual encounter with the women and pull a knife. At this point, the kids drive around them and continue to look for a place to pull over and camp.

Now keep in mind before they started on their trip, Jon was warned by a friend that there have been some disappearances and deaths in the woods they're planning on camping in. But Jon dismisses this by saying he's sure they'll be fine as there are four of them going.

As you can tell, these aren't the brightest kids. They don't seem to be able to grasp the simple concept that they should pack enough drinks for the weekend, and run out of soda while driving to the campsite. They aren't worried in the slightest about the crazy hillbillies, even though they are traveling the same way down a one lane dirt road which has no turn offs. Plus their ideal camping spot is near a bunch of abandoned cabins and they are thrilled by the sight of a large rock.

Needless to say the two hillbillies - and their mentally deficient brother who wears a flight helmet with face mask - stumble upon the campsite and decide to get even and get something to eat. As you can tell from the title, the hillbillies are cannibals. They're in need of a good meal, and there's four hunks of beef camping right in front of them.

Again our kids prove they lack cranial functioning when Jon finds a ripped piece of cloth with what appears to be blood, but quickly gives up on that premise when Chris suggests it's probably berry juice. Because you know how everyone in the woods gets their clothing and hands covered in berry juice. Damned juice is everywhere.

This is a shot on video movie and about as low budget as you get.  Seriously it's probably around a $500 budget.  The thing about '80s shot on video films is that unlike today - when anyone can make a movie since we all have computers for editing, and something that will shoot video - most people didn't have camcorders.  You had to be really committed and passionate about making a film in order to scrape together the means to do it.  Today any idiot can randomly think, "it would be cool to make a movie", walk out his door and start shooting immediately. Well I guess you could say that about the shot on video films of the '80s, but it's amateurish feel was often it's selling point.

Consequently, like many '80s shot on video films, this has some charm in it's ineptness.  What is amazing is that McBride was able to get a distribution deal for both his amateur videos.  So props to him for that.

While I was entertained by the over the top acting and other flaws of Woodchipper Massacre (Jon McBride's other SOV movie), Cannibal Campout is hard to sit through.  It's a plus that the dialogue is ridiculous, the acting non-existent, the musical score repetitive and sounds like a Casio, but there's a whole lot of nothing happening.  I don't particularly care about gore, but if that's something you like, then you're set. But you'll have to wade through tons of padding to get to it.  There's lots of walking, mullets, annoying hillbillies, stupid kids, and chatter that has no bearing on the plot, which is barely a plot anyway.

Also it boggles the mind that women are actually willing to get naked for films like this. What could possibly be the upside, unless you're an exhibitionist?

Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000)

After the nightmare of tracking down Jack Frost - a serial killer who became a killer snowman when he was accidentally sprayed with liquid used for experimental genetic research - small town Sheriff Sam and his wife head to the Bahamas for a little vacation and to attend the wedding of Marla, his co-worker.

Sam's wife is tired of hearing his continued worries about Jack and whether he is really dead or not. She just wants him to relax in the tropical paradise and forget everything that's happened. Sam finds that hard to do, and it becomes even harder when he runs into Agent Manners, who worked the killer snowman case,  has retired to the Bahamas, and is the hotel detective.

And of course where there's science, there's an accident waiting to happen. Dead snowman Jack is brought back to life again, and since Jack's whole purpose is revenge, he travels down to the Bahamas, where no one would ever expect a snowman to go. And just as no one believed Jack existed previously, no one believes he exists again. And let's face it, who would believe there is a killer snowman in the tropics?

Besides Jack, there are little killer snowballs with long teeth. There are also a lot of icicle deaths and bad comedy. I saw this years ago and thought it was funny. I didn't enjoy it so much this time. But then again, it's a killer snowman and killer snowballs. So it's go that going for it.

Jack Frost (1997)

A prison van carrying serial killer Jack Frost to his execution is involved in an accident with a tanker carrying genetic research material. During Jacks attempt to escape, the experimental liquid in the tank sprays all over  him, causes him to melt and some of his blood merges with the snow.  So instead of dying, Jack becomes a snowman who is bent on revenge against the small town Sheriff who arrested him.

That about sums it up.  The rest of the movie is Jack killing people and no one suspecting it is a snowman. Then when the Sheriff figures it out, no one believes him.  There are deaths by icicle, Christmas tree decorations, and a beheading with a sled. So if you like wise cracking killers, and want to see a killer snowman, here you go. The comedy falls flat, but what the heck, how many times do you see a killer snowman.

Shake, Rattle, and Roll 9 (2007)

Another DVD from the search for a new Christmas horror story - this is an anthology made up of three stories, but only the first is about the holiday.

Christmas Tree
After an accident claims the life of the father, a mother and her children travel to grandmothers house for Christmas.  Uncle has purchased a one of a kind Christmas tree, which everyone enjoys.  The problem is the tree is alive and it's hungry.  I liked the evil eyes looking out of the branches, but once it starts killing, it no longer looks like a Christmas tree. The change in appearance is never explained.

Bangungot
Marionne is in love with Jerome who works for her. Too bad since Jerome just announced he is getting married tomorrow.  So Marionne decides to use a spell to get Jerome's affections. The spell will make them dream about each other, but if they don't wake up before the candle burns out, they will never leave the  dream.  Now Marionne and Jerome are being stalked by a figure in a red cloak, which Marionne relates to her grandfather since she believes his nightmares killed him.

Engkanto
A tour bus gets lost on an isolated road while trying to get a band to their next show. When they stop to ask directions at a small store, a drunken man sitting nearby warns them to watch out for the enchantress in the woods. She stole his son, and will soon take them.  No one pays much attention to him, but soon their bus runs out of gas and set off walking to find help.  When they stumble upon an old resort, they are optimistic but no one is there. Soon strange things start happening and a strange lady appears. Sadly enough, they don't realize that when a strange lady suddenly shows up at an obviously long abandoned resort, it is most likely the enchantress and not a good idea to follow her around.

Kazuo Umezz's Horror Theater: Volume 3 (2005)

I stumbled across this when I was searching for some sort of Christmas horror that I hadn't already seen.  This is an anthology and only the first segment has a holiday theme.

The Present
A little girl has nightmares on Christmas eve. Later some college students have a party and a few couples leave to go to a hotel and run into a killer Santa.

Death Make
Legend has it that five girls went somewhere and disappeared.  Now no one goes there anymore.  Five people who met on a paranormal web site and have various levels of psychic ability decide to go wherever the hell the girls went and spend the night to see if the legend is true.

I'm not sure if something was lost in the translation, but I didn't find either story scary.  The Christmas story had some gore in it, as well as a Santa with a huge throwing star on a chain. Damn that thing can do some damage.

Apollo 18 (2011)

History states the last mission to the moon was Apollo 17. But there was another mission which was kept a secret until someone posted video footage online revealing what really happened.

Made from video shot by the Astronauts and from the ships video feed, the film reveals three men were sent to the moon on the Apollo 18 mission in order to secretly set up some surveillance equipment.  

One guy stays in orbit while the other two land and work on completing the mission.  While working outside the ship, they find footsteps which lead to an empty Russian ship with a trashed interior, and eventually to a dead Russian cosmonaut.

Strange things start happening. Noises are heard outside. Their flag goes missing. There is radio interference and their antenna is damaged.  Something gets into one of their helmets, and a space rock gets under ones skin and his cut gets infected. Oh, this is not looking good. Can they complete the mission, get off the moon, and get home safely?

This found footage movie is different from others I've seen.  It's set in the 1960s where they would have used film rather than video.  It's not overly scary, but is based more on atmosphere (no pun intended).  The majority of the film takes place in the capsule so it's a bit claustrophobic, and there's tension as to whether they will be able to get back to the ship orbiting the moon or back to Earth.  Will they suffer the same fate as the Russian? Will they run out of air?  What is causing the problems they are encountering? Is there something alive on the Moon? If so, is it after them?

I was interested to see if they would be able to make it back to the ship and go home.  But there were  some major holes in the story.  Why would a distress call made from the Russian ship end up connected to the Defense Department? (We certainly weren't friendly with Russia at that time.)  How did they get the film that was shot by the Astronauts? Why don't Russian boots have treads? How did that thing get into his helmet outside the ship?  And most importantly, if a guy with a hammer repeatedly smashing the window is a problem, then they may want to rethink the construction of their ships.

Mask of Death (1996)

Lorenzo Lamas stars as Mason, a Russian killer with a heart of ice, and Lorenzo Lamas stars as McKenna, an easy going cop with a mullet, bushy mustache, and a nose and chin made of putty. So it should be easy to press him back together when he gets shot in the face.

During a deal gone wrong and an FBI sting, killer Mason and gangster DeLeo drive a power boat onto the shore near McKenna, his wife, his partner, and a friend. This meeting results in the death of his friend, wife, and Mason, and leaves McKenna with a bullet to the face.

When DeLeo's lawyer mistakes the facially injured McKenna for Mason, the FBI come up with the brilliant idea that since McKenna needs plastic surgery anyway, he should get his face done to look like Mason. Then he can go undercover to impersonate Mason since it's a matter of national security.

McKenna agrees because he wants to get DeLeo, who is responsible for his wifes death.  So McKenna goes under the knife, comes out looking like Mason, and proves to be the worst undercover agent ever. Instead of being the Russian killer with ice in his veins, he tries to help people. He knocks over a guy on crutches and asks if he's okay. He balks at killing someone who DeLeo says squealed to the cops because he wants proof that he squealed. More importantly, Mason's girlfriend says McKenna is a fraud after spending a night in the sack with him.

Yup, this is one stupid, but entertaining movie.

Gallowwalkers (2012)

Gunfighter Aman has a problem.  When he kills people, they come back from the dead as supernatural beings who need the skin of the living to avoid looking like the muscle models you'd see in biology class.

Since Aman is cursed and his bullets won't put them down, he picks a guy with a bad blond wig to fight along side him to make sure the gang stays dead. (I really kept hoping the wig would come off with the hat, just for my own amusement.)

Kansa, head of the gang of undead thugs, ends up in a town where a Sheriff and albino populace exact justice by hanging everyone who is shipped to town.  Why Kansa goes there, I have no idea - unless he was there when Aman shot him, but honestly I don't know because there's a lack of clarity in this movie.

There are some visually stunning shots, especially at the beginning of the film when the three men in red dusters are in the bright desert sun.  Also on the plus side - scenes right out of Mortal Kombat where Aman rips off a head which comes off with bloody spine attached, and Kansa before he grabs someones skin and is just muscle. On the other side, there are tons of bad wigs throughout the film, and a story that is confusing and disappointing in execution.

Too many questions - why does Aman leave for five years after finding out his woman is pregnant from being assaulted by a gang? What kind of man does that?  Why does he pick blond Fabulos to be his partner? Who is Fabulos? How does Aman know Fabulos can even shoot straight?  Who the hell is the prostitute and why is she even in this film?  Why is there a town of albinos?  And who is transporting all these prisoners to the albino death town where the Sheriff hangs them without a trial? Why did one of the gang pick two iguana tails to put on the back of his head?  What the hell is going on here?

Invasion of the Pod People (2007)

Disjointed story about Melissa who works at a modeling agency. She has to deal with a bitchy boss, obnoxious models, and a boyfriend with whom she has the most awkward sex, which takes place in a window and on a chaise lounge. It's not supposed to be awkward, but her boyfriend looks so angry and uncomfortable. Perhaps that why he won't commit to their  relationship, well besides that he may be dating other women.

Melissa starts to notice personality changes in her boss, models, and others at work. Oddly enough it all seems to start after they are given a strange plant.  Well, to them it's strange and other worldly, but to anyone who's shopped in the produce section of the supermarket, it's a ginger root in a plant pot.

The other thing that's odd is that everyone who is taken over by the plant becomes a space lesbian. Well, I guess that's a twist on the old body snatchers formula.  Even Melissa, who isn't interested in women, can't resist the advances of the space lesbians and has a dalliance for which she is rewarded with a mysterious creepy plant (aka a ginger root).

This movie had us laughing out loud, while other times we wondered when the hell it was going to be over.  The sound is often hard to hear due to ambient noise in the room. Maybe they should have shut off the air conditioner, or done some ADR on the audio?  It's ridiculous to have this problem in a movie put out by a real studio.

Also there is just too much nonsense going on.  Why do people keep going off on their own once they know there are pod people who look just like them?  Why doesn't the guy who breaks into Melissa's apartment to warn her, say anything useful so she'll know what the hell he's talking about?  Why do people in movies have no knowledge of any horror or sci-fi film ever made? Has no one ever seen Invasion of the Body Snatchers or the multiple remakes? And why did they hire a woman whose plastic-y face seemed to be a plot device that would clue the viewer in to who had turned into a pod person, but just ended up being her real face?

Clones of Bruce Lee (1977)

Gold smuggling, drug shipments, and Bruce Lee clones. What do these things have in common?  I have no freakin' idea.  I'm not sure if I was day dreaming at some point or if they just never bothered to explain things. So I'm really of no use here.

What I can tell you is that Colin of the SBI (Special Branch of Investigation) releases the recently deceased Bruce Lee's body to  Professor Lucas who needs Bruce's DNA to make clones.  Once the clones appears (which is pretty damn quick), the professor  slaps a collander on their heads to exert mind control and instructs them to obey only him. Then Bruce Lee 1 goes undercover as an actor - which doesn't seem like a great undercover operation since he's supposedly Bruce Lee -  and the other two Bruce's on a mission with Chuck, a third guy who looks just like them, but isn't a clone.

For some reason Bruce 2 and 3 are to go after Dr. Nye, who can turn men into bronze. Ah yes, the ultimate fighting machine, as every evil scientist deems their particular brand of indestructable man.

From here out we have lots of fighting, and even less sense than the beginning of the film.  This is a ridiculous movie with three Bruce clones and another guy named Chuck who has the same haircut, same sunglasses, same build as Bruce 2 and 3, and could also pass for a clone. In fact, sometimes you'll get them confused when the three of them are standing together.  See that poster above?  Only two of those guys are clones.  

And why doesn't Bruce 1 ever hang out with Bruce 2 and 3? Were they not able to get them on the set at the same time?  And why not cast someone who looks different as Chuck?  And why do the bronze men have to be in only their underwear? Couldn't they have gotten swimsuits or something less disturbing for them to wear?

There is footage of the crowds at Bruce Lee's funeral, close ups of still photos of Bruce, and brief footage of Bruce wearing his sunglasses.  The movie stars a plethora of Bruce's -  Bruce Le, Bruce Lai, Dragon Lee and Bruce Thai - and Bolo (who was in Enter the Dragon).

The sound effects are ridiculous.  If you look away when during the fights, you'll swear someone is punching Curley from the Three Stooges.  This is a movie that you'll either find mind boggling and amusing, or stupid and boring.

Ridiculous dialogue:

"The clones of Bruce Lee. What a scientific achievement this will be."

"Couldn't you be a bit more explicit?"   ( the appropriate word would be specific)

"You have a new life.  Your name is Bruce Lee 2 and you will do as I say.... Take him to the recuperating room and bring in Bruce Lee 3."  - Professor Lucas

"They run and they hide! They are frightened of my steel men. ahahahah. " - Dr. Nye

"The professors gone made! He's already ordered two of the Bruce Lee's to fight to the death."

Can you tell which one isn't a clone?
Isn't it obvious? Chuck is on the left.

Bruce Lee 1, who doesn't work with the other clones

The incredible clone computer

Nothing says clone mind control like a collander

The pre-broken board (lined up with his fist)

Someone really likes Paris

The least threatening foe? White guy in a track suit.

No one needs to see this.

Why does Dr. Ray have a kiddie slide at his hideout?

Nothing says luxury like a portable cassette player

The achilles heel of bronzemen

Dead End (2003)

During a long drive to grandma's for Christmas, a bickering family exhausts their supply of snarky remarks and falls asleep, which is unfortunate since Dad is still driving.

After waking to the sound of screeching tires and a swerving car, they discover that Dad has decided to take a short cut (good god man, no!) that is an unfamiliar, isolated road because he wanted a change from the well lit, safety of the highway.

After making sure car and family are okay, they continue their trip until Dad spots a young lady in white holding a baby.  When he stops, the woman is gone. As the family argues over whether he imagined her or not, she pops up by the window. Being the gentleman that he is, Dad offers her a ride. But since there isn't enough room, the daughter gets out for some alone time and a walk back to the little shack they passed. Yup, and the horror begins here folks.

If you watch a lot of horror movies, you'll probably be able to figure out the end. I found the characters annoying, but along the way you'll have unexpected death, a black car who takes away the dead, a road that never ends, and Ray Wise as the Dad.

Death of a Ghost Hunter (2007)

Seth Masterson hires Carter Simms, a renowned ghost hunter, to do a three day investigation of his uncle's house to determine if it's haunted.  Seth's uncle, aunt, and two cousins were found murdered thirty years earlier, and no one has lived there since. A gardener and maid have been employed to keep the place neat, but now the maid won't go back due to a frightening experience she had while trying to clean at night.  Seth won't go in the place either due to the creepy vibe.

Carter is joined by cameraman Colin, journalist Yvette (whose acting is right out of community theater), and nut job Mary, a member of the youth group where the Masterson's used to go to church.  No one was expecting Mary so they are surprised to see her.

Carter proves to be not so good an investigator when she doesn't call Seth to ask why this unannounced house guest is there,  especially when Seth only left three keys.... and Mary makes four.  Well, that doesn't make me too confident in her paranormal skills if she can't even use any cranial processing to figure out Mary doesn't belong there.

Obviously things go horribly wrong - I mean, just look at the title. Mary causes problems every step of the way, but says she is just there to protect the Mastersons reputations. Yes, because when it comes to protecting the church, there's nothing like someone going psycho on a journalist to make sure you get good press.

The movie is passed off as a recreation of Carters journal entries. Many scenes remind me of listening to books on tape.  It's just someone reading journal entries to provide exposition, rather than scenes that actually go anywhere.  And the sound is pretty annoying. Sometimes it's super loud, but others it's so soft you can't hear the dialogue. If there's one thing that takes you out of a movie, it's when you have to have the remote in your hand to constantly adjust the volume. Good god! Stop doing that crap with the sound!