Monday, March 25, 2013

1313: Bigfoot Island (2012)

If you know anything about the 1313 series or about David DeCoteau, then you know what you're in for and it's not pretty, except for the shirtless guys. But it's Bigfoot Island, so how could I not check it out?

The film starts with scenery of forests, waterfalls, and a ferry going across the water. A shirtless teen goes hiking on Bigfoot Island. He hikes and hikes and hikes.  He keeps hiking.  Then he hikes some more.  A girl peers at him from behind a tree.  He keeps hiking.  He jumps over a bent tree. He makes a cell phone call to a friend - although maybe he's a lonely shirtless lunatic pretending someone's on the other end of the line since we only hear his side of the conversation.  He resumes hiking and jumps over a bent tree.  It's the same footage we've already seen. The girl peers at him again and ducks back behind a tree.  This is the first seventeen minutes of the film.

Is anything going to happen?  Are we going to keep having to watch this kid hike?  Where's Bigfoot?  Is the girl the Bigfoot?  Was she supposed to be replaced by a CGI creature and someone forgot?  We begin to fast forward eventually stumbling upon something that looks like it could be the creature.  It turns out to be the mangiest rental ape suit we've ever seen. They only give you flashes of it, but even so you can tell it's not a prize winning costume.

This movie is mostly padding.  There are other shirtless and semi-shirtless guys who hike and run on Bigfoot Island.  They're all friends and Bigfoot doesn't seem to like them.  In between hiking scenes, we see the girl doing some sort of hippie ritual.  Does this have anything to do with Bigfoot?  Just fast forward to the last six minutes of the movie.  Everything will be explained, although not to your satisfaction. But then again, what did you expect from a movie called Bigfoot Island whose title screen boasts a font that makes 1313 read like 7373.

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