Saturday, March 9, 2013

Berserker: Hell's Warrior (2004)

A Viking king seeks help from his ostracized son Boar, who has become a berserker and wears a bears head and pelt. Boar agrees to help defend the kingdom if his brother Barek will agree to become a berserker too.  The King agrees, but reneges on his promise after vanquishing the enemy and dooms Boar to a fiery death.  But Barek can't bear to see this happen and screams to Odin, a Norse god, to save Boar in exchange for his soul.

In an abrupt jolt, we switch from dirty men wearing animal pelts to a modern psychiatric hospital. It's like the projectionist has put on the wrong reel and we're in a different movie.  Nope, there's Barek chained up in a cell. How did he get there? Why is he wearing the same clothing?  What the hell is going on?

See the cover?  That's how they've got him chained up.  Every time someone goes in to see him, they chains suspend him from the ceiling. But they let him wear his leather suit, so he's got that going for him.

Anya, the new doctor, decides Barek doesn't need to be chained because she's unprofessional and feels drawn to him. Oh maybe that's because they both keep being reborn or never die or whatever the hell is happening because they're both from the Viking period and are repeating the same patterns over and over because stupid old Boar is still alive.

Soon Boar and his filthy, animal covered men holding broadswords showing up at the facility and begin taking lives.  How does everyone end up in modern times, but is still dressed like dirty Vikings?  They look like people right out of central casting.  How did they get to the hospital?  Can they just materialize?  What's up with that?

They call them Valkyries, but they glow and have fangs.  Now I don't remember any legends about Norse vampires, so I think they're either very confused, decided their target audience wouldn't know  the difference, or decided to take huge liberties with the story and go for broke.  It's hard to suspend disbelief when the movie isn't super interesting or exciting.

This is a super wordy, dialogue driven movie.  Every time they start talking in their low, deliberately slow voices, I just started hearing blah blah blah Odin blah blah.  Characters keep screaming "Odin!" as if they're some crazed drunk at a party.  And Odin must be the most popular guy ever because no one can stop talking about him.  Odin this and Odin that. Oh I need Odin to save me. No, he's going to save me. No, Odin likes me better.

Bottom line - with a title of Berserker, I expected to see a whole hell of a lot of berserking, and I was sorely disappointed.

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