Saturday, May 4, 2013

Total Retribution (2011)

aka Earthkiller

Fighting the undead in space?  I'm all in, that sounds fantastic. Oh. Well this was a mistake.

The movie starts with boobs before the credits.  After the opening set up, it cuts to a number of years later.  Well those are two of the signs it's going to be a bad movie.  The third would be if there's a quote, especially from scripture..... and we have the triumvirate!

After falling from outer space and thudding onto a beach, an android ends up naked and 200 years in the future on a spaceship where two warring factions of bad actors try to exterminate the seven or eight undead plodding around the ship. Oh and they want to destroy the big gun located on the ship. 

Yeah I know. It doesn't make sense, and it won't.  There's no real reason for the android to be naked. Yet that damn android is naked for a long, long time.  We kept pleading with film to make the android put some damn clothes on. It didn't help. Then we started theorizing that either the android was the writer or was dating the director as we could think of no other reason for the excessive nudity. 

If you put a shag haircut and platform shoes on the android, it would resemble Ziggy Stardust.  Sometimes the face seemed to resemble Marilyn Manson, Nic Cage, or even Alice Cooper at one point. The biggest problem with this is that the android is a woman.   

At a certain point, the nudity was so ridiculous that I started hoping it would never get any clothes because it would ramp up the comedy level.  At that point, it found some clothes.

Please note there is nothing in the movie that even slightly resembles the cover.  Not the shapely chick in the short black dress, not the large spaceship, not the military, not even the explosions. It's inexplicable
Their walls remind me of old car cushions.
Nicholas Cage? Marilyn Manson? 
The characters stand in the window and
their heads are near the top. So how
big is this space ship supposed to be?
Android Ziggy wakes up. 
Damn it Ziggy, put some clothes on!

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